100% Biker 148

100% Biker 148
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How did you lose your rally virginity? Me, being quite old, I lost mine at the MAGna Carta the year they held it at Stretham in Cambridgeshire, when I had a rope tied around me ankle and was towed (quite gently) round a particularly muddy field behind a Zed 1100 by a bloke who was a master at finding the deepest and wettest muddy bits and unerringly aiming me right through the middle of them. When the ride (?) was over, I’m not kidding, I looked not unlike Papa Lazarou if Reece Shearsmith hadn’t had access to proper face make-up and decided to use the contents of a Portaloo after an especially heavy curry evening.

I only ask as in this issue, and in a fair few others too, we’ve a cracking picture of some unfortunates losing theirs. And, it seems to me, the actual act of relieving someone of their rally maidenhood has got a lot less unsubtle over the years. These days just dumping a load of… umm, stuff of a fairly dubious origin over the top of an innocent’s head seems to be the be-all and end-all, doesn’t it? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that we shouldn’t do it, far from it, it’s been a rally tradition as far back as I can remember, but a little bit more imagination in the way it’s done could be used… a little more lateral thought.

Take, for example, the way in which my mate Andrew was relieved of his ‘chastity’ – knowing that he was at his first event, and knowing what generally happens to folk at such, he was very wary and ready to be off on his toes at the first hint of a bucket. But the hosting club, the now sadly defunct Defunct MCC, having been warned of this, arranged for his amusing humiliation in more subtle ways; the highlight of this being him losing the Wet Y-Fronts competition to a woman… To this day, you know, he’s convinced that he out-witted us all and didn’t ever get done, but the truth, ladies and gentlemen, is that during that evening at the Poodleburger he copped it far worse than anyone who simply accepted what was coming to them. And he still doesn’t know it.        

So, rally organisers, you who put so much effort into your silly games, try putting some of that wonderful ingenuity you use to come up with the games that have us all in stitches (sometimes literally), into dealing with your virgins please. Most of you, I’m sure you won’t mind me saying, are evil-minded bastards at heart; so I’m sure you can think of something that’s a bit more than just bucket after bucket after bucket of goo, can’t you?