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  #1381  
Old 09-02-2018, 06:58 PM
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I had my lunch outside a supermarket yesterday, or as the Italians call it...
"Al Tesco"

.................

Last night I bought an alcoholic ginger beer.
He wasn't happy about it.

.................

Morrison's are doing a Valentine's Day Meal Deal for one this year.
It's a 9" Pizza, a litre of Vodka, and 48 Paracetomal.

.................

Everyone is going on about how well Kylie Jenner did to hide her child for that long.
I think Gerry and Kate McCann won that one.

.................

the Winter Olympics: giving white people a chance to win at sports that no black people can afford to learn.

.................

My girfriend has been working out a lot recently.
For instance, today she worked out that I've been shagging her sister.

.................

Camila Parker Bowles goes into the butchers and says "You've got a horses head in the window?"
The butcher says "That's a mirror".

.................

As a child my parents played Madness & The Specials all day every day.
It was horrendous.
They proper Ska'd me for life !!!

.................

Wife asked her Husband for £10,000 to get a Gastric band fitted
He said "Here's a fiver, get a padlock for the Fridge"

.................

Donald Trump's wife has offered to give up her pubic hair, so Husband, Donald can have a much needed transplant.
A top American Surgeon said,"This is a first; we've never transplanted hair from one cunt to another, before".

.................

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  #1382  
Old 10-02-2018, 09:37 PM
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When a woman says, "we need to talk"
Why is it never about football?⚽

.................

First rule of Thesaurus Club...
You don't talk, converse, discuss, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gab, gossip or natter about Thesaurus Club.

.................

A man is walking home with his nine year old son, when the boy asks "Dad, what are those little boxes on the back of all those satellite dishes?
His father replies "Council houses son."

.................

Why are there no mods in Syria?
Who the fuck, would ride a slow, Italian scooter through the streets of Damascus with a target on their back?

.................

Didn't realise my mate was so knowledgeable about Korean Ice Skaters.
He told me he was looking forward to seeing Poon Tang in the Ladies Singles.

.................

That awkward moment when you phone your child and tell her how proud you are of her.
On Babestation.

.................

Definition of irony:
Advertising the opening of a sperm bank with the words " coming soon".

.................

I like to give most of my money to charity...
I work for Oxfam and charity is my favourite hooker.

.................

The four ISIS 'Beatles' are all now either dead or in custody.
An ISIS spokesman said they will be succeeded by a new act, Taking Heads.

.................

I was minding communications at base when I got a call on the radio from Lance Corporal Sanders...
I said, "Sanders, you're breaking up!"
"Hold on a minute," he replied, "Let me try something...... How about now?"
"No, it's no good, " I told him, "your wife's still leaving you."

.................

I call my wife Bambi, she thinks its because she's cute with big brown eyes.
Actually it's because I would like someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.

.................

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  #1383  
Old 11-02-2018, 12:54 PM
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As I lay in bed I was gently nodding off when I felt a warm hand slip inside my boxer shorts and gently start to caress my balls. It was very nice, but I wasn't in the mood. "Not tonight" I said "I'm tired."
"It fucking doesn't quite work like that in here" said my cellmate.

..................

My mate said, 'Who's your favourite solo artist?'
I replied, 'The Bee Gees'.

..................

This Valentine's Day, I will almost certainly be inundated.
Sorry. *In, undated.

..................

2 Yanks are on holiday in Amsterdam and visit a brothel. "Have you got a fat bird with no teeth, a heroin addiction and a minge like a vandalised bus seat?" they ask...."Fuck you boy's are really kinky".. says the madam..
"Are we fuck" they say "We're just looking for our mum!"

..................

My Hotdog stall at the Winter Olympics is going well.

..................

Did you hear about the Irishman who thought that a cortisone injection was a sports car.

...................

I got a call on the radio from the head of my battalion, he said, "we're under heavy fire, we need more ammo."
"Hang in there, " I told him, " I'm only a few clicks away! "
Unfortunately, they all died before I could get there, but I wasn't going anywhere until I'd completed that rubix cube.

..................

I got a call from my sister in Australia yesterday. She told me my nephew has got himself addicted to heroin.
He's really shot up since I last saw him.

..................

Having a fetish is nothing to be ashamed of, unless your fetish is being totally humiliated then you are a dirty little pervert.

..................

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  #1384  
Old 12-02-2018, 03:17 PM
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What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.

.................

FACT

If humans stood in a single file line around the equator, most of them would drown.

.................

Paddy got a job as a Bus Driver and on his first morning he just sat at the Depot waiting.
The Bus Inspector came over to see and asked what the problem was.
Paddy said, "l'm waiting for the Ticket Conductor."
The Bus Inspector informed him that all the Buses were now One Man Buses.
So Paddy drives off in the Double Decker Bus.
Twenty minutes later there is a call to the depot "one of your buses has been involved in a traffic accident."
The Bus Inspector goes down to the Crash and there is Paddy and the Wrecked Bus.
Bejesus Paddy, "How did this happen?" Asked the Bus Inspector.
Paddy shrugged his shoulders, and said.....
"Fucked if I know. l was Upstairs collecting the Fares at the time."

..................

My wife came into my shed yesterday, "you're wasting your time and money on all these inventions!'' She said. It was at this point that the Slap-a-Twat-automatic 3000 proved her wrong.

..................

I bought a 24ct gold necklace the other day, but when I put it on my skin started going a funny blue colour, so I suspected it was fake.
Turns out it was a bracelet.

..................

I met Prince Harry earlier at a civic function. Although things got a bit confusing when I invited him to take part in my triathlon charity event by asking, “Sir, how would you like to enter a mixed race?”
He gave me a wink and said, “I already have mate, I already have ....”

..................

The Irish have an easy way of telling the difference between an apple, and an orange.
There is no such thing as an apple bastard.

..................

My wife's into S&M.
She sleeps, I masturbate

..................

God how I hated school in the 80s
"Sir, I've forgotten my bag"
"You'll have to do the lesson in your underwear then, boy!"
Worst History teacher ever!

..................

I farted earlier in the classroom and 4 people turned round....
......I thought I was on The Voice.

..................

Knock Knock
Who's there?
One Direction.
One Direction who?
Oh well that's show business.

..................

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  #1385  
Old 13-02-2018, 09:08 PM
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Happy Pancake Day!!
Tossers!

......................

My business making clothes out of cheese has gone bust...
Turns out that fromage frays.

......................

Donald is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun. A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"
Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous.
I meant to shout "Donald, duck!"

......................

Who understands Roman Numerals?
I for one.

......................

Everyone has a little racism in them, unless you're a Conservative, then it's a bit like money,
you probably have more than you need.

......................

IS have already recruited a new group to replace the Beatles....There called Jihadiwaddy.

......................

During my girlfriends labour, the nurse came up to us and said, "How about Epidural Anaesthesia?"
"Thank you, that's a great idea." I replied. "But we've already picked a name."

......................

Have we all somehow forgotten the real meaning of St. Pancake's Day?

......................

A wealthy Arab Sheikh was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "
Aye laddie, but I have Scottish blood in ma veins now".

.........................

Pancake Day is over-commercialised these days.
Eggs, flour and milk have been in the shops for months.

.........................

A Conservative MP walks into a library and asks for a book on irony, The librarian replies, "Sorry but no, this is Pawn shop, you closed all the libraries...."

.........................

That 500kg German WW II bomb causing havoc near the City Airport in London, why not repatriate it back to Germany ?
I understand the Battle of Britain Memorial Flight is currently looking for more flight training time.

.........................

I'm so successful with the ladies, a TV documentary has been made about my numerous conquests.
Although they didn't call it a documentary. They called it a "series of reconstructions".

.........................

Arm-wrestling.
Two men sitting close together across a table holding hands, grunting and sweating , while staring into each others cum face.

.........................
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  #1386  
Old 14-02-2018, 01:32 PM
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I splashed out on some new lingerie in Ann Summers.
Now the assistant says I have to pay for it.

...............

Just noticed the wife is wearing her sexy underwear today!
This can only mean one thing...
She’s behind with the washing!

................

Wife rang "Three girls in my office just received flowers, they're absolutely gorgeous"
I said "That's probably why they received flowers"

................

I've been getting a Valentine's card from the same secret admirer for the past 20 years.
So I was sad not to get one this year.
First my Gran dies and now this!

................

Jeremy Hunt announces new plan to reduce burden on NHS by asking Daniel Sturridge to retire.

................

I was showing an American colleague who was over on a business conference the sights, "Wow, " he said, "I can't believe how small and compact everything is. Your cars, your buildings, your TV's even your food portions. " He said. Then I introduced him to my wife. That shut him up.

................

Valentine's Day.
A day where you can find both single men and women with a box of tissues and a film.

................

Awwwwwww Valentines is so romantic, someone has left lots of flowers on a lampost by the busy main road, must be where they first met.

................

I woke up this morning with a one pound coin stuck up my arse.
I must have been completely trollied last night.

................

Roses are dead. Love is fake. Weddings are basically funerals with cake.

................

My mornings play out like a nursery rhyme
Hump
Tea
Dump
Tea

...............

You can't please some women. I bought my wife 250 flowers for Valentine's Day.
So what if they spell out 'Grandad'

...............

It’s not often you find the perfect match on Valentine’s Day.
But Real Madrid v PSG tonight looks pretty fucking good.

...............

I just got 34 valentines cards, I'm totally shocked & breathless.
That security guard in Clinton's gave quite a chase.

...............

As I was snorting cocaine off Kelly Brook’s tits, whilst having my cock sucked by Megan Fox on a beach in Hawaii, I thought ...
Where the fuck has it all gone wrong?

...............

Well pleased - just went down to my local cheapo store and got a cut-price copy of a Mott The Hoople album.
Aldi Young Dudes.

...............

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  #1387  
Old 15-02-2018, 10:02 PM
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I gave blood earlier today.
I know it’s not the usual sort of thing you give your wife on Valentine’s Day, but it came from the heart.

................

Do Americans use the metric system?
Yes....they use 9mms at school.

................

For Dads .. Fathers Day
For Mothers .. Mothers Day
For Lovers .. Valentines Day

but for Wankers .. Palm Sunday

................

It's getting like Ethiopia in some parts of America.
The kids never get old.

................

What's orange, 25 metres long and smells of kebab?
The queue for the morning after pill in Chelmsford today.

................

I remember the first time i had sex.
As she unzipped my jeans and pulled out my cock she said, "Is that all you've got?"
I said, "Yeah, why, how many cocks did you expect me to have?”

................

I dunno why women are always bragging about being able to multi-task.
It's really just a side effect of their complete inability to make up their mind.

................

Going to school in America?
It's safer to go on your holidays in Syria.

................

"'Outcast' charged as Trump reacts to school massacre."
They're sorry Ms. Jackson. They never meant to make your daughter cry.

................

Guns don’t kill people.
Americans with guns kill people.

................

Roses are red,
and fucking expensive,
buy guns instead,
and launch an offensive

................

I'm as broke as the Tooth Fairy in a meth den!

................

With all the talk of suicide prevention this week, I want to say to everyone that's having a bad time.....
........ hang in there.

................

My wife asked me how she compared with past girlfriends?...
...So I told her she was the only one I had been with!..
... The others were all eights and nines.

................

My wife sent me to the local health food shop to buy some vegetarian sausages.
The woman behind the counter said "Do you want Linda McCartney's?"
I said: "Won't they be stale? She's been dead since 1998".

................

What’s has arms and often goes under a desk?
An American schoolkid.

................

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  #1388  
Old 16-02-2018, 09:47 PM
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"Does this uniform make me look fat?"
Insecurity Guard

..............

"Can I have a pack of condoms?"
I asked the pharmacist..
"A small box?" she asked..
"I hope so!" I replied.

..............

Sick & tired of hearing these Olympic athletes say "how much work they've put in & the sacrifices they've made"
What do they want?..
A fucking medal?

...............

I bumped into J K Rowling yesterday so I asked her about Harry's father and she thinks it's James Hewitt too!

...............

Nowadays when you see a news report saying smoke has been seen coming from the Sistine Chapel, you don't know whether the Pope has died or he's just torching his hard drive.

...............

I'm not saying staff at my local Tesco are inept, but I've used self checkout twice and I've already been named Employee of the Month!!

...............

"Come into the bedroom, and I'll show you a good time" I said to the wife. When she came in I showed her pictures of me and my mates before we got married.

...............

What have to Florida shooter and Barry Bennell got in common?
They both unloaded on to unsuspecting teenagers.

...............

You've got to give Barry Bennell some credit, he's the most prolific attacker that Manchester City have ever seen.

...............

Sperm Donor
Worst kebab you'll ever try

...............

London News Headlines: A man spends 3 days trapped in London sewer after he falls down drain. He wandered through the pipelines for up to 72 hours desperately trying to get out. When he was finally rescued and realised he'd wandered into Romford, he asked his rescuers if they would kindly put him back.

...............

In Australia, not even SPF50+ protects you from all the harmful rays.
Just ask Steve Irwin.

...............

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  #1389  
Old 17-02-2018, 10:10 PM
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Lizzie Yarnold takes Team GB’s first gold medal of the Winter Olympics and becomes double Olympic champion and immediately thanks David Beckham for his great input of how to ride a skeleton over the years.

..................

The Irish bobsleigh team at the Winter Olympics are refusing to race until the course has been gritted!

..................

I can't believe the racist tone of some of BBC commentators at the Winter Olympics.
Just heard one saying" and now over to the slopes for some skiing action"

..................

I'm setting up a help group for bike riders who ignore red lights.
Please fell free to join Cyclists Unable to Notice Traffic Signals.

..................

My 5 year old son just asked me what a 'Cunt' is.
"Don't ever say that word again." I said firmly. "It's a very naughty word. It's another word for a vagina."
"Daddy, what's a vagina?" He asked.
"Erm. Well, it's something very special." I told him.
"Oh that's good." He answered. "I heard Mummy talking about you to her friends today and she thinks you're something very special."

..................

Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.
Terrible joke. Only three stars.

..................

Former UNICEF consultant Peter Newell, a leading children's rights campaigner who led an anti-smacking campaign, has been jailed for raping a 13-year-old boy.
What a fucking hypocrite. Told the rest of us not to give children a sore arse.

..................

If crime doesn't pay how come the police get wages?

..................

For those of you who voted for Brexit, you will be pleased to know that thanks to today's earthquake, we are now 2cm further away from Europe.

..................

The United States of America
The only country in the world, where Man v. Food is advertised as a diet show.

..................

My ex-wife just texted me, "Guess what, I now know what a real dick is like."
I replied, "Yeah, I've seen you with him."

..................

I just passed a skinhead on the street, who told me he was on his way 'to torch that place where all them kiddy-fiddlers hang out, hiding behind their so-called religion'.
So as soon as I get home I'm calling Father O'Malley to warn him.

.................

I said to my mate in the pub, “It could well be fight of the year tonight.”
“Oh! You mean Groves v Eubank Junior?” he interrupted.
“No mate”, I sighed, looking down at my new text message.
- "The wife’s just found out I've been shagging her sister.”

................

Six Sigma is by far the most useless martial art.
There was a bloke down the pub last night time boasting about having a black belt in it. Wiped the floor with him.

................

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  #1390  
Old 18-02-2018, 09:50 PM
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"Have you ever seen a dinosaur? have you any proof they existed? The so called relics can easily be man made, " said Father O'Malley.
"Have you ever seen God? have you any proof he exists? religions can easily be man made, " I replied.

.................

"You have to tell me the truth," my barrister said. "It doesn't matter to me if you're guilty or not, I just don't want to be surprised in court."
"OK, I raped and murdered those prostitutes." I admitted.
"Interesting, but can we get back to this shoplifting charge please?"

.................

A war hero is walking along the street dragging his right leg along the pavement due to an old war injury. As he's walking he sees another man coming towards him dragging his right leg along the pavement aswell. As he's passing this man he points down to his foot and says "Vietnam, 45 years back". The other guy points down at his foot and replies "Dog shit, 45 feet back!"

.................

Why are teenagers like earthquakes?
They both get felt in Swansea on a Saturday.

.................

A man hates his wife"s cat so much he drives to the next town and dumps it.
When he gets home, it"s there.
Next day he drives 50 miles and dumps it.
When he gets home, it"s there.
So the next day he drives to the other side of the country and dumps it.
One hour later he rings his wife and asks, "is the cat home?"
"Yes, why?" asks his wife."
Put the cunt on," he says, "I"m fucking lost."

..................

I paid off all my gambling debts, it only took me a second...
mortgage.

..................

What has only one finger and is very demanding ?
A Ransom Note.

..................

As soon as I got my cock out, my one night stand said:
“That looks like a bit of a monster doesn’t it?”
“Really?” I smiled, “I didn’t think it was that big.”
“It’s not” she replied, “it’s fucking green.”

..................

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  #1391  
Old 19-02-2018, 08:47 PM
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I'm not saying my last girlfriend was a bit of a slag,
But, when I first met her, she had a higher sperm count than me.

..................

I went to visit my son not long after he had been sent down to prison. When I saw him, I was shocked to see he now had two "teardrop" tattoos under each of his eyes, and also the word "KILLER" inked in huge letters on his forehead.
"I guess the new tattoos are a bit shocking, huh dad," he said to me.
"You stupid cunt," I said to him, "You've ruined your fucking life."
"Sorry dad," he replied, "If it's about the tattoos, I just wanted to not get fucked with in here and maybe even one day be top dog in prison."
"Top dog in prison !" said to him, "You're serving one month for cheating on benefits. How the fuck will you get a job now ?"

..................

I've got a Crystal Meth Lab.
He's a fucking nightmare to walk.

..................

Harley-Davidson began as a sewing machine company, which explains why they often leave their riders in stitches.

..................

So I’m at a Sushi restaurant and they ask me what I want.
I tell them I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
And now I know what Basashi is.

..................

I once won silver for curling and bronze for the Bob ... yet hairdresser of year still eludes me.

..................

I was watching the FA Cup highlights there and I just bumped into my TV and Dele Alli fell over.

..................

I got my fathers double chin, receding hairline and big stick out ears....
...It was the strangest will reading I've ever attended.

..................

The first time I saw Back to the Future, it was at a cinema in Norwich.
As I was watching, I thought "Oh my God, he's going to fuck his mum !"
Thankfully though, before they were actually able to do it, the usher came and chucked them both out.

..................

The inventor of the jigsaw puzzle died today.
His wife is said to be in 1500 pieces.

..................

This bloke just came in my workplace shouting “Vodka, tequila, sambuca!”
I said “Hey! I call the shots round here!”

..................

People tell me that my grammar stinks...
What do they expect? She’s 89.

..................

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  #1392  
Old Yesterday, 07:23 PM
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The RSPCA have said I can’t keep my pet dolphin in the bath.
Apparently it’s not fit for porpoise.

.................

A bad football team is like an old bra, no cups and very little support.

.................

They say that football is a game of 2 halves.
Not for me though.
I can get through at least 6 pints.

.................

I said to the wife, "it's my birthday tomorrow so why don't we try something from the Kama Sutra?"
"Lovely," she said, "I'll have the Chicken Biryani."

..................

If DHL are delivering to KFC restaurants, perhaps the chicken is behind their bins?

..................

My Grandfather had Parkinson's disease.
He could never stop interviewing people.

..................

If we manage to convince the Chinese that Jihadists' testicles are aphrodisiacs, within ten years they'll have disappeared...

..................

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To strut past the closed KFC.

..................

One day a Rochdale blind man went to visit a brothel for the first time. Because he couldn't see the ladies who were on offer he ended up with a pox ridden old hag. When they got to their room upstairs they both undressed and got into bed. As he ran his hand over her spotty arse he recoiled in horror. "It's okay" she said "It's just a bit of acne"
"Thank God for that" he replied "I thought it was the price list"

..................

One of my mates has told me he's gay! Although not in so many words ... said he watched the figure skating with his mum last night.

..................

Kirsty Sharman needs to pray that she doesn't need the services of the Stoke ambulance service in the next few years.

..................

Couldn't get the wife her hormone replacement therapy medication today ... KFC were bloody shut.

..................

I’ve just lost my job at Argos.
I was only offering some Jewish pensioner some advice as I told him he was missing a number from the code he had seemed to write on his arm.

..................

BIG SHOUT OUT to the partially deaf....

..................

Why would anyone trust their mental health to someone whose professional title is Psycho the rapist?

..................

Midgets don't like being called Midgets...
And they really REALLY don't like being called "People McNuggets"

..................

I just won 10 million on the lottery and gave my brother a new home....
....it was the box from my new 70 inch TV.

..................

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Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
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