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  #1351  
Old 11-01-2018, 05:59 PM
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Science reveals that women have cleaner minds than men...
Due to the fact that they change them every 10 seconds or so.

....................

I couldn't undo the buttons on my jumper, so i tried pulling it over my head but got it stuck.
I'm in A&E now waiting to see a cardyologist.

....................

I came home the other night and my wife said "Have you seen my flip-flops?"
I said "I've seen them before, now put your bra back on"

....................

I got home from work to find my Wife dressed in sexy underwear and sprawled on the bed.
"What the fuck have you done to my car?," I said.

....................

Donald Trump supporters are like the overly optimistic parents of the fat, retarded kid on school sports day.

....................

I am great believer that the current stupidity problem and the lack of common sense issue can be eliminated by removing warning labels.

....................

"You're just trying to sugar-coat it," scowled my girlfriend.
"No I'm not!!" I protested.
"The answer's still no," she said. "So you can stop pouring that honey over your cock."

...................

Donald Trump has tweeted; "Russia & the world is laughing at the stupidity they are witnessing."
Yeah, erm, there's a reason for that, mate.

...................

"Extraterrestrial stone found on Earth"
It's Keith Richards. He's finally stopped smoking that dodgy stuff and come back down.

...................

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  #1352  
Old 12-01-2018, 05:53 PM
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I had to divorce my wife because she loved sex in the morning.
Right after I left for work.

.................

If you lose one sense your other senses are enhanced.
This is why people with no sense of humour have a heightened sense of self-importance.

.................

How's my New Years resolution going so far?

Well allow me to explain.

Exercise
Exercis
Exerci
Exerc
Exer
Exe
Ex
Ext
Extr
Extra l
Extra la
Extra lar
Extra larg
Extra large
Extra large d
Extra large do
Extra large don
Extra large done
Extra large doner kebab

..................

"I'm proud of you for going to the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting last night," said my wife.
"Ah," I thought, "so that's where I fucking was."

..................

Drugs and alcohol are never the answer.
Unless someone asks me "What are you doing this weekend?"

..................

Victoria Beckham has admitted she spends a staggering £1,204 on her daily beauty regime.
That's got to be the biggest waste of money since Chelsea spent £30million on Andriy Shevchenko.

...................

I went to hospital with a toilet brush stuck up my arse.
The doctor said, "How did this happen?"
I said, "Well I met this bird in a club, one thing led to another an we ended up back at mine..."
He said, "Into the kinky stuff was she?"
I said, "No ... my wife came home".

...................

CES 2018 has unveiled hands-free, cord-free, rechargeable, use-anywhere breast milk pumps retailing for only £350. Well I've come up with a version that performs all the same functions and is completely free.

My mouth.

...................

I asked my gay friend "How did you become gay in the first place?"
"Well," he said, "when I was about 15, a man followed me into the woods and forced himself upon me."
"Why didn't you try to run away?" I asked
He said, "What? In high heels?"

....................

I asked the guy in the Greek Delicatessen this morning if he had any feta cheese.
He replied "yes. I love to smear honey over my nipples and have my teenage daughter lick it off".

....................

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  #1353  
Old 13-01-2018, 05:19 PM
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They say English surnames all had a meaning, as in, "Smiths" Where Blacksmiths.
"Taylors", Where Tailors
What the fuck did the Dickinsons do?

...................

I've been going through some real money troubles. Realising this, my Gran gave me her pearl ear rings.
"They've been passed down through the generations" she said. "But needs must".
Great. Now I'm broke and I look super gay as well.

...................

I went to the hairdressers and asked for a number 2 all over.
He gave me a shit haircut.

...................

My mayonnaise is trying kill me - or so my sauces tell me.

...................

How many emotions does it take to change a lightbulb?
1.
Love, love changes everything.

...................

Apparently, the average male erection contains enough blood to keep three gerbils alive.
Yet here I am, with three dead gerbils, one still stuck on my cock.

...................

My granddad said " It's going to be horrendous on the roads this weekend,snow is forecast".
" Tell me something I don't know" I replied.
"I can get my whole fist up your Nanna's arse " he said .

...................

If you can't buy happiness................... then you're in the wrong Pub.

...................

If the story about Trump and a porn star is true it could be very embarrassing.
At some point that porn star will have to face her friends and colleagues.

...................

Is it just me or does the KFC logo look like Rolf Harris?

...................

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  #1354  
Old 14-01-2018, 12:09 PM
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I saw a group of neighbours jogging past my house last night and it really inspired me to get up and close the curtains.

...................

If you’re a hostage and the gunman says
“Who shall I shoot first?”
Saying, “It’s WHOM shall I shoot first?”
Is not the best answer.

...................

Female wanted; must have own pub.
Apply with Inn.

...................

Two cavemen are talking, one says, "I'm going to teach my woman to speak."
The other one says, "What harm can it do."

...................

So we've got Australian flu, Japanese flu and now French flu over here.
Bloody foreigners, coming over here and stealing all our jabs.

...................

With the latest British Army recruiting ad's that actively promote homosexuality, the Dads Army line, "They don't like it up 'em", is no longer true I guess.

...................

My local Tourette's support group had a bake sale today.
I bought some shutthefucupcakes.

...................

If you're flying on an aircraft and your hear the infamous announcement "Does anyone know how to fly a plane?" Your answer should always be "Yes".
-If you're going to die, you may as well die flying a jumbo jet.

...................

An Irishman had a one night stand with an Israeli woman, and in the morning they were both unhappy with the way the other had performed.
"I thought you Jews were meant to be tight", he said.
She replied: "I thought you Irish were meant to be thick."

..................

I don't like the term 'Anal bleaching.'
I prefer, 'Changing your ring tone.'

..................

It's no surprise that Donald Trump knows so much about 'Shitholes'.
He's been talking through his for fucking years.

..................

My wife got flashed at in the park today. She said it was a lot like Brexit, she didn't care if it was hard or soft, she just wanted it to go away.

..................

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  #1355  
Old 15-01-2018, 05:24 PM
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Phoned the ramblers club - and this bloke just went on and on.

................

Turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.

................

What's the difference between Kim Jong Un and Dominoes?
Dominoes can deliver a hot crispy Hawaiian in less than 20 minutes.

................

I love taking pictures of myself standing next to boiling water..
Doctor says I've got selfie steam issues..

................

A couple of guys started on me and my mate in the pub last night, my mate looked at me and said, "Shall I knock one out..."
I said, "I'm not sure wanking is going to help here."

................

My mum has had the same washing machine since my little brother Callum died 27 years ago...
I guess washing machines do live longer with Cal gone.

................

What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.

................

A pretty young blonde woman stopped me in the city centre today, "Excuse me, handsome," she said, "How would you like to be the face of a brand new enterprise? You're just what we're looking for."
"Really?" I said, shocked, "I've never been asked to model or anything before, I'd love to..."
"Great!" She smiled, "I just need your signature on this form, and we'll go through the details.
"DSA, eh?" I said as I noticed the logo on her T-shirt. What is it, some new hip fashion design?"
"Nah!" She replied, "It's Down Syndrome Awareness.."

................

I see Carillion has gone down the tubes.
At least that cunt Fish will be out of a job.

................

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  #1356  
Old 16-01-2018, 07:04 PM
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Smoking will kill you...
Bacon will kill you...
But..Smoking bacon will cure it.

................

"That woman who played Pussy Galore in the Bond films has split her fanny open." Said Paddy to Mick.
"Honor Blackman?" Replied Mick.
"No." Said Paddy. "On a massive fucking dildo."

................

When me and my mates go out on the pull, I'm known as "The cat"
It's not because I'm sleek and stealthy, or anything like that,
when I turn up the birds scatter.

................

I came home from the pub, went upstairs and said to my wife, "I'm sleeping in the spare room tonight love."
"That's thoughtful of you," she said, "you're pissed and don't want to disturb me?"
"No, I've brought a woman back with me."

..................

I stayed over at a friends recently, and after a cheeky wank, he woke to find me wiping my cock on his curtains...
Fuck him, that hairstyle hasn't been cool since the 90's.

..................

Bet the coroner never thought he would be pulling the Cranberry out of the fridge this soon after Christmas.

..................

My mate gave me a nudge and said, "I heard you have a new African girlfriend, and that she's a model."
"Yeah, but unfortunately the photoshoots she did were for Oxfam."

..................

I keep having recurring nightmares about fruit machines.
My wife has been really supportive, she wakes me up with a nudge, and then holds me.

..................

I was swimming with my wife on our Gran Canaria holiday. She was on her period and, unfortunately, attracted a full grown white shark.
She managed to dislodge the fin of the shark and bite a deep wound on it's tail before I was able to separate the raging maniacs.

..................

New idea for a movie.
A man is told he only has 30 days to lose several hundred million pounds and must have nothing left to show for it at the end -

Brewsters Carillions

..................

I call my ex-wife Carillion
She's also fucked about 20,000 men

..................

Find out how securely your hair is attached to your scalp by investing a large amount of money into Bitcoin!

..................

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  #1357  
Old 17-01-2018, 05:55 PM
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Reliant Robins, giving hedgehogs no fucking chance since 1973.

.................

Research shows the first five minutes of life can be the most risky.
Somehow I think that the last five minutes aren't so hot either.

.................

After hearing a beloved Irish lead singer of a band died and then reading about I was gutted. I was hoping it was that self important cunt Bono.

.................

I was shocked to hear the Home Secretary say that Britain's prison population has been balooning for the past ten years.
My God! Has the world gone mad?
Those people are there to be punished, not to be given "thrill of a lifetime" experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of.

.................

BBC News : ‘Man dies after gorging himself to death on Aeros.’
His family described him as 'bubbly.’

.................

After I lost the house, I slipped into a deep dark depression and attempted suicide on several occasions.
After waking up in Intensive care my wife said she won't take me to bingo anymore.

.................

BREAKING NEWS!
A Pakistani woman has been arrested in Rotherham on two charges of indecent exposure. Yoseen Mamuff, 22, will appear in court on Friday.

.................

Where’s the biggest loch in Scotland?
The one on a Scotsman’s wallet.

..................

John Wilkes Booth, 150 years ahead of his time.

..................

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  #1358  
Old 18-01-2018, 06:12 PM
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I pulled my 3-year-old son to playschool in his sledge this morning.
After finally arriving there twenty minutes later I realised that he was no longer sitting in it.
So I quickly turned the car around and drove the same route back.

..................

Diane Abbott was asked to comment about Carillion.
"How many is a Carillion?" She said.

..................

Save money on noise cancelling headphones.
Just tell people to shut the fuck up.

..................

My girlfriend said she was going shopping for a new dildo.
I shouted “Make sure it looks like mine!”
Bitch came back with a Vick inhaler.

..................

A woman goes into a shop and asks for a maternity Bra.
The assistant asks, "What Bust?".
She says, "The fucking Condom!".

..................

Met this girl at a party. She said people called her Vivaldi. I asked " Is that because you're a brilliant violinist". She said " No, it's because my name is Viv and I work at Aldi."

...................

"Awe, you love me that much you've had my name tattooed on your arm, " gushed my wife.
"Don't get excited, " I replied, "I've just been diagnosed with alzheimers. "

...................

If an English lesbian speaks English,
and a Welsh lesbian speaks Welsh,
does an Irish lesbian speak Gaylick.....

...................

My girlfriend said she thinks anal sex is wrong.
So I had her arrested for homophobic hate speech.

...................

TV host Chris Tarrant has been fined £6,000 and banned for a year after he was convicted of drink driving.
He should have phoned a friend.

....................

The day when Jesus was supposedly miraculously resurrected from the dead falls this year on April Fools Day.
Seriously, they just write themselves .......

....................

What's a cue ball and a Pakistani have in common?
The harder you hit them the more English they pick up!

....................

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  #1359  
Old 19-01-2018, 05:05 PM
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People who say, what goes around comes around ...
Have never waited by the luggage carousel at Gatwick airport.

..................

Since The Doctor put my wife on her new tablets we have had sex every night.
Seems nothing wakes her.

..................

You wouldn't believe the amount of global warming I had to scrape off my windscreen early this morning.

..................

This is Motown weather
Three degrees
Four, tops

..................

My friend is half Indian.
Ian

..................

My friend's allergic to rice.
He's basmatic.

..................

I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment about their moustache, and suddenly... she’s not your friend anymore.

..................

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Old 20-01-2018, 04:58 PM
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Did you hear about the French cheese factory that exploded?
There was de Brie everywhere.

...............

Tried to sign up to a website the other day.
I put my password as “beef stew” but it said password wasn’t stroganoff.

...............

What's the toughest part of the Chinese Marathon?
That moment you hit the wall.

...............

"Sorry I'm late home," I said as I arrived back from work.
"Some bloke had lost a £20 note in Tesco."
"Were you helping him look for it?" Asked my wife.
"No, I was standing on it." I said.

...............

It's funny how my missus sits up all night, waiting for me to come back from the pub..
Just to ask me what time it is.

...............

A hotel mini-bar allows you to see into the future and what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020.

...............

The priest pulled me aside as I was leaving the church, and he told me that he was worried for my wife's eternal soul.
"She's clearly been over-indulging in the deadly sins of Gluttony and Sloth !" he said.
"Indeed," I replied, "But she more than makes up for it by having no Lust or Pride."

...............

Farmer Brown goes up to a lady and says; "Mrs Smith, your son is spoilt"
"My son is not spoilt" she says
"Oh yes he is, come and see what my combine harvester has just done to him"

...............

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  #1361  
Old 21-01-2018, 12:52 PM
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QUEEN Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity".
The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, and drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, "ok, your Majesty, you may go in".
Dolly is outraged and asked,"What was that all about, I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me"?
"Sorry, Dolly says the Angel, but even in Heaven A Royal Flush Beats a Pair No Matter How Big They Are".

................

New Year resolution going well, no chocolate. Not even thinking about it. Not even in my vocadbury.

................

I've just noticed Casualty is up to series 30, and to keep it true to life, some of the patients from series 1 are just being seen.

................

I just read a book on marriage that says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date. So after dinner tonight I'm dropping her off at her parents' house.

................

I bumped into Sheikh Mahand today...
The world's friendliest Arab.

................

So Theresa May has appointed a minister for loneliness.
Shouldn't there be more than one?

................

Who the fuck does this dickhead Will on The Voice think he is??
Giving it the big I.Am....

................

I went to pick up my new girlfriend for the first time and her granddad was sitting on the couch.
He seemed like a pretty cool guy so I asked him what he did before he retired?
"I had a little tattoo studio for several years. I must have inked thousands of hot girls."
"That's pretty cool... I'm surprised you'd even retire from that."
"Well, I had to give it up once they liberated Auschwitz."

................

I was going to hire a smoke machine for a special party.
Then I thought, why not just get the wife to start cooking something.

................

I don’t take shit from anyone!
Hence, I was sacked as manager of the sewage treatment plant..

................

Ryan Giggs has worn his brother’s dressing gown more times than his Wales kit !

................

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Old 22-01-2018, 06:19 PM
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Marriage is a relationship where one person is always right and the other is the husband.

...................

My wife broke up with me recently because I’m a compulsive gambler.
All I can think about is how to win her back.

...................

Just managed to burn 2000 calories in 30 minutes!
The pizza’s ruined.

...................

Paddy and Mick are sent to prison. Desperate to stay in touch with each other, they invent a code and tap messages to each other by banging on the hot water pipes with a spoon. The system worked perfectly for a time,but sadly it broke down after they were transferred to separate cells.

...................

"Your wife has given birth to a little girl but there are problems, the baby will not suck or swallow. "
"Fuck me, only a few minutes old and she already takes after her mother. "

...................

My weight loss goal is to no longer care about the crumbs at the bottom of a bag of crisps.

...................

Do you know who I blame for the rise of drugs in schools?
The supply teachers.

...................

Donald Trump had a colonoscopy during his medical examination last week.
They found Mike Pence.

...................

I've never told anybody this, but my mother was a runner up beauty queen, who was beaten by her abusive husband...
Fuck knows how he won it!

...................

My girlfriend said she didn't like the tank-top I got for her birthday.
Ungrateful bitch, that's an authentic piece of Nazi memorabilia.

...................

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Old 23-01-2018, 06:32 PM
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I turned up at Dragons Den earlier in full armour with a broadsword.
They looked just as confused as I was.

...............

What do you call a man who doesn’t own a car or motorcycle?
A taxi.

...............

What's purple and stiff....
Tinkywinky

...............

"Mysterious Dead Sea Scroll deciphered in Israel"
"Free Palestine - smash the Roman Occupation!"

...............

I'm sorry to hear about Neil Diamond quitting showbiz after developing parkinsons disease. On the bright side though his wife says his foreplay has improved.

...............

I don't need sex anymore......
I get fucked by the government every day!

...............

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Old 24-01-2018, 06:01 PM
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The guy who stole my diary has died.
My thoughts are with his family.

................

My girlfriend dumped me because of my obsession with plants.
I asked “Where’s this stemming from petal?”

................

A tortoise climbs a tree, reaches the end of a branch and falls on the ground. It slowly climbs the tree again, reaches the end of the branch and hits the ground once more. And again and again
2 pigeons staring at the tortoise say to each other "We should tell him he's adopted".

................

This old couple are walking around a car boot sale , when they notice on a stall-an offer of 5 toilet brushes for a fiver, both impressed they buy the toilet brushes, the following week the old lady is again on the car boot-and she passes the same stall when the owner says "How are you getting on with those toilet brushes?" and the little old dear says " Well i"m persevering , but the old man"s gone back to paper"

.................

Why do we believe conspiracy theories?
Because the bastards want us to.

..................

Some good news at last:
The Rupert Murdoch multi-media empire has finally been told to Fox Off!

..................

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Old 25-01-2018, 10:01 PM
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Mixing cannabis with cod liver oil is..
Bad for your joints.

...................

I was walking through Dudley and I saw that there was a muslim Book Store. I was wondering what exactly was in a muslim book store, so I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the assistant stopped me and asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of the UK Immigration Departmen't Policy on muslims and illegal immigrants?"
The assistant said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!"
I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

..................

I woke the wife up this morning by shoving her E-reader up her pussy.
I'm trying to rekindle our sex life.

..................

Research shows that the Amish have a lower rate of cyber bullying.

..................

Are you a peado if you wank off to pictures of yourself as a child ?

..................

I was shitting myself when a Muslim came into the WHSmith and shouted " Allah Allah Allah Allah Allah Allahhhhhave a bar of Galaxy please.
Fucking stuttering bastard.


..................

I wonder if Simon Weston realises that Burns night is not about him?

..................

The Pope has spoken out against the 'fake news' phenomenon.
He told reporters, "Stay the fuck off our patch in future."

..................

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Old 26-01-2018, 10:43 PM
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Why do French people eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food!
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Old 26-01-2018, 11:07 PM
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My wife apologised for the first time ever today!
She said she's sorry she ever married me.

................

If you ever Google 'GRANDFATHER CLOCKS' for fuck sake don't forget the 'L'.

................

Scientists in China have successfully cloned two macaque monkeys.
It's quite impossible to tell them apart , said one of the monkeys.

................

I just saw a black guy running down the road with a Cape on.
I shouted, "Are you a Superhero?".
He said, "No, I haven't paid for my haircut!".

................

A Scottish lottery winner has announced he'll buy Glasgow Rangers FC.
The man was not available for comment but his wife told reporters..
"He's over the moon and who knows what he would have done if he'd got a fourth number up"

................

Just got a job working in a full size cuckoo clock.
It's not great, but it gets me out the house.....

................

I think my doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear...
I overheard him telling his colleague that I had "Serious healthy shoes."

................

I was stroking my cock while gently caressing a bird's leg this morning...
Terrible idea taking ecstasy before a trip to the animal sanctuary.

................

Why did Donald Trump cross the road?
He didn't. Fake news! You can't prove anything.

................

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Old 27-01-2018, 06:06 PM
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The local football team I play for have just been sponsored by Wonga
For our pre match talk last week we were told to go out and give 1479%

..................

Vaping is weird. You leave the pub and walk passed a group of tough looking football fans and they all smell like strawberry muffins.

..................

My Wife just said to me, Ive got something to tell you, you better sit down
I said, "Whats wrong"
She said, "Ive met someone else and Im leaving you".
I said, "Thank fuck for that, I thought you was gonna tell me that the TV was fucked!".

..................

Humanity has finally figured out how to get a Frenchmen not to surrender in a fight.
Offer them cheap, cut price Nutella.

..................

I was in London earlier this week and hailed one of them black cabs.
I said to the driver "Waterloo please"
He asked "What, the station"?
"Well, I'm a bit fucking late for the battle" I replied

..................

When I die I want my remains scattered across Disneyland.
I don't want to be cremated though.

..................

I want to have a threesome with Rachel Riley.
Because that would be 9 letters and I would win a Countdown mug.

..................

I'll never mix my tourettes medication with strongbow again!
The cider fecks were terrible

..................

Does anyone else give their mobile phone a nickname? I always have done...

My first one I called 'Diana', because it always went dead in tunnels.
My second one I called 'Maddie'. I lost that one on holiday in Portugal.
The one I have now I call 'Rihanna', because sometimes I have to hit it to turn it on.

..................

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Old 28-01-2018, 12:06 PM
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My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewellery.
In my defence, I didn’t even know she sold jewellery.

.................

I changed my Facebook password to "Liverpool's defence" but Facebook notified me that it's too weak. Any advice?

.................

What's the difference between Fagin and Jurgen Klopp?
When Fagin sent his boys out they came back with Silverware.

.................

If liberal groups do not believe in biological genders, why are they marching for women's rights?

.................

Just found out I've failed my German exam.
Sacre bleu!

.................

A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm."Sure!" she says, "He"s at home taking care of the kids ..

.................

If you're a pensioner worried about the cold weather, do the same as my neighbour and block out the cold draught by leaving your mail in the letterbox.

.................

Paddy the Irish haemophiliac died after trying acupuncture to cure his condition.

.................

IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad has died aged 91.
His family are in pieces.

.................

Why is there enough tarmac to make speed humps, but not enough to fill the pot holes?

.................

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Old 29-01-2018, 06:12 PM
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Ikea founder Ingvar Kamprad has died at the age of 91.
It's not known how his vast wealth will be divided by his family, as his solicitor says he left no instructions.

...............

Arsenal last won the Premier League way back in 2004 and the 'Crazy Frog' was Number 1 at the time.
14 years on and he's still Manager.

...............

My blonde girlfriend doesn't think much of my ribbed condoms.
Apparently they don't taste like rib.

...............

My Dad always told me “Don’t be quick to find faults.”
Good man, terrible geologist.

...............

Just seen a claim that there are more than 60,000 illegal immigrants in Australia.
Aboriginal estimates, however, put the figure at nearly 24 million of the bastards.

................

Saw a great "Elbow" tribute band last night, called "Arse"...you can barely tell them apart!

................

Just had a cockney admire my prowess as a philosopher.
Well I think that’s what he meant, when he called me a Kant.

................

Coming soon, the quickest Ikea assembly ever.
The reading of Ingvar Kamprad's will.

................

I was mortified when I caught my dad dressed up in my mum's clothes for the first time.
That skirt with those shoes?

................

Let’s go buy a bunch of blow-up dolls, fill them with helium, and freak out people waiting for the rapture.

................

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Old 30-01-2018, 06:17 PM
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Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidently swigged from a bottle of tippex.
I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

.................

Just a word of warning, when typing "I want to kick Teresa May out" please be aware that the letters "k" and "L" are very close together on the keyboard.

.................

Necessity is the mother of Invention.
Chavs always come up with such stupid names.

.................

Germany has been testing the effects of diesel fumes on humans and monkeys.
Well if any country is qualified to test the effects of gas on living things then I guess that would be Germany.

.................

Why do people think Jesus is coming back?
He wasn’t nailed to a fucking boomerang.

.................

300 million year old Himalayan rock salt best before 10 March 2018.......... I am glad I bought this just in time then.

.................

My wife said I was the most gullible man on the planet.
I thought £50 for a piece of the iceberg that sank the Titanic was a fantastic deal to me.

.................

" Ireland to hold Abortion referendum in May "
The Question will be : Baby Remain or Baby Exit ?

.................

Special effects in horror movies are amazing these days.
Although they still can't compare to a piece of fluff in the corner of the bathroom pretending to be a spider.

.................

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Old 31-01-2018, 06:08 PM
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During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

.................

I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman...
I will never keep lube and glue in the same drawer ever again.

.................

I spent my whole life being proud of my British heritage, until I found out that my great grandfather was actually from Transylvania...
Now I can’t even look myself in the mirror...

.................

After taking my time and giving it due consideration, I've decided I'll go for dry January.

.................

Just sold my car on the internet,everything was going fine until this gypsy turned up and tried to pay me in traveler's cheques .

.................

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Old 01-02-2018, 06:08 PM
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This old chap in the office rolled his sleeve up because of the heat to show an old number tattooed on his arm.
"I never knew you were Jewish, let alone in a camp," I said to him,
"Yes, I'm Jewish, " he replied, "but I'm to young to have been in the camps, that's the serial number of a ten pound note I once lost. "

................

What do you call a 3 ft Jamaican?
A Yardie.

................

I bought one of those cars with a voice activation system to start the engine.
It's absolutely shit as it can't understand a word I'm saying after 7 pints.

................

After years of trying I finally managed to suck my own cock today.
I've just got to go to hospital now to have it stitched back on.

................

If I had £1 for every time I'd been told to fuck off, I'd be somewhere nice now.

................

As I've gotten older I've realised that I can only get by on charm for ten minutes.
After that, I have to stalk them with the hope that they will eventually give in.

.................

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Old 02-02-2018, 06:03 PM
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Just been chatting to Phil Neville at his first England training session.
I asked him who the lady was in between the sticks?
He replied "I think that's Annette?"

..................

"The problem with quotes on Twitter is that you can never tell if they're genuine"

Winston Churchill 1944.

..................

Cyclops: Hun, how do you spell Hawaii?
Wife: (biting lip).. I think you need 2 'i's.
Cyclops: (puts pen down)...You think my life is just a fucking joke to you?

..................

My wife won't watch Game of Thrones with me 'cause she says it's too far fetched...
Strange talk from someone that was raised by a dragon.

..................

Have you ever gone down on an Italian Women?
Its like eating sushi off a barbershop floor!!!

..................

I’m so quick with comebacks. Some guy came up to me and said “ Mate, I’ve fucked your girlfriend.” And quick as a shot I was like “Ha, paedophile”

..................

Just seen an advert on TV for the latest Sony LED flat screen dogs bollocks television ONLY £699.
My wife said "Look at the picture quality, shall we get one?"
For fucks sake, why did I get married.

..................

Donald Trump has angrily responded to reports that he will give a crumbly chocolate treat to every American who votes for him in the next Presidential election.
He's sick of yet more Flake news.

..................

These jump leads are shit.
I've been skipping for an hour now and my car still hasn't started.

..................

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Old 03-02-2018, 06:40 PM
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I'm on a health kick. I've decided to stop using the drive-thru at McDonald's!!
I'm going to park the car and walk in.

.................

Which spice girl can hold the most petrol?
Geri can.

.................

TO ALL OUR FEMALE FRIENDS
You know you're getting old, when you look outside on a beautiful day and you think to yourself:

"hmmmm I'm going to make the most of this"

And then start filling the fucking washing machine.

.................

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your
willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance
compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing
is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch."
The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how
many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your
wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a
nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one
before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might
be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken
with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're having granite worktops"

...................

Just heard the local priest singing a bit of "Nuns N' Moses"....
"Take me down to the Vatican City where the mass is keen and the boys are pretty."

...................

"You can't take it with you when you go."
Fucking Customs officers spoil everyone's fun.

...................

Lady Gaga cancels final ten dates of Joanne world tour due to ‘severe pain’
People’s ears couldn’t take it any longer.

...................

Oh the grand old duke of york, he had ten thousand men.
90% are on zero hours contracts and only work from 9 till 10
Only paid bare minimum wage
Benefits docked though because they get paid
But unemployment's down don't ya know say the stats, and the media won't be swayed.

...................

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Old 04-02-2018, 12:19 PM
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A Brummie walks into a tailors, "Alroit mate, I'd like a 70's suit please."
The tailor says, "Certainly sir, and would you like a kipper tie?"
The Brummie says, "Thanks mate, two sugars please."

................

I took this fat girl home and wound up showing her my basement.
She took one look at all the contraptions I had down there and started screaming, "Oh fuck, a torture chamber !"
"Will you relax," I said to her, "This is just my home gym."

................

My girlfriend out of the blue asked "when are you going to put a ring on my finger?"
With my reply being "only when I can put my finger in your ring"
I am now single.

.................

The doctor just came into the hospital waiting room after my wife's accident, "How is she, doc?" I asked.
He said, "I'm afraid your wife's got a nasty gash!"
"Well, I know that, doc," I told him, "but what about her injuries?"

.................

I see the Spice Girls are getting back together.
They get a lot of stick, but as a band they've really stood the test of time.
They're still shit.

.................

The first rule of Jacob Rees-Mogg Fight Club is non loqui de pugna clava.

.................

Valentine's Day soon, Ladies!
But don't bother getting me what you got me last year.
I've got enough fucking restraining orders as it is.

.................

Wife: "What do you prefer; family size, fun size or bite size"
Husband : "Are we talking tits or chocolate ?"

.................

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Old 05-02-2018, 05:56 PM
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Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
Mars - future home to human colonies.
Venus - 860 degrees F and rains sulfuric acid.
Sounds about right.....

................

It's all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ships kitchen.

................

I once knew a bloke who could only count to three and I asked it if it had held him back in life,
"Quite the opposite," he said, "it helped me get a good paying job. I count the crisps they put in Walkers crisp packets. "

................

My missus said she was taking me to see 'Fifty Shades Of Grey'.
All fucking morning in B&Q.

................

I was shocked when my neighbour knocked on my door earlier and asked if he could borrow my hosepipe...
I didn't even know my missus had a pipe.

................

Don’t run with Bagpipes. You could poke an Aye out.
Or worse, get Kilt.

................

A man goes into the library and asks, “Do you have a book on tortoises?”
The librarian said,” Only hardback.”

................

I used to find it incredible that a supposedly advanced civilisation like the Ancient Egyptians worshipped a beetle.
Then the Americans elected Trump.

................

Whats the most British hip-hop name?
Black T.

................

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Old 06-02-2018, 05:59 PM
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FACT

You can make a waterbed more bouncy by using spring water.

..................

Went to a Yodel party at the weekend.
We played pass the "sorry you weren't in note."

..................

I was eating my Walkers bag of air earlier when to my surprise, I found a crisp.

..................

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2am this morning and said, "Bob, I can't fucking sleep."
"Well it's your lucky day." I said, "I've got a party going on in here, come in."

..................

Reading flyers more carefully substantially lowers the risk of being the only one at Slimming World wearing speedos and goggles.

..................

John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

.....................

I was having a quiet drink at the bar, when this gorgeous oriental bird came up to me and whispered in my ear:
"Can I suck your cock."
Correcting her I said, "I think you'll find that it's MAY I suck your cock."
"Okay then, you go first," she said.

......................

Did you hear about the American who thought that a Royal Enfield was somewhere the Queen keeps her chickens.

......................

White supremacist Ethan Stables, who planned a Gay Pride attack, has admitted to being Bi-sexual.
When asked what sort of men he was into, he replied.."I like mine camp"

......................

A man goes to a Library and asks for a book about men with tiny cocks.
The librarian says "I will have a look and see if its in"
The man replies "That's the one"

......................

My lady isn’t happy with me this frosty morning, she just told me she’s going out scrape the car.
“Against what” was not the right reply

......................

Luna scientists have said that due to 40 odd years of constant exposure to intense ultraviolet, unfiltered rays from the Sun, the 6 American flags that were planted on the Moon by astronauts have now been completely bleached white.
More fucking bragging rights for the French.

......................

"Zimbabwe's opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai 'critically ill'"
He must be suffering from Parkinson's disease; that's the third time he's fallen down the stairs at the police station.

......................

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Old 07-02-2018, 07:05 PM
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Being white has its disadvantages too, you know.
It can be super hard to find a rap song on iTunes when you spell all the words correctly.

..................

A mugger follows a lone woman in to a dark alley, waits till he is sure they are both alone then pulls out a knife.
"Give me all your money"
The woman says, "Excuse me young man, but don't you know who I am? I'm Theresa May."
The mugger replies, "Okay then, give me all MY fucking money"

...................

I was walking home from work tonight when I saw a fight between an illegal immigrant and a known paedophile...
....it was Alien V Predator.

...................

I bumped into an old mate yesterday who I haven't seen for years.
He said, "What you doing these days?"
I said, "I help hand over clothes to poor people."
He said, "That's very charitable."
I said, "Not really, I'm just a checkout assistant in Primark."

...................

Congratulations to all the suffragettes who made it possible for women to vote.
Its taken them 100 fucking years to give us Diane Abbott.

...................

The Grand Tour is so dreadfully shit that they have fired the stig and a tesla to Mars in the hope of finding a new target audience who actually find the three wankers funny.

...................

Horse is in the pub having a few when spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living"
horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter",
Donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach" ,
then he asks "did you win anything" horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”, they arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks,
"I need to impress this guy he's done everything" , so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace, the horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall",
donkey replies " that's me when I played for Juventus.

.....................

A Scouser started working at our place today.
About fucking time, Hes been here two years.

.....................

The real proof that there are intelligent alien civilizations is that they have not contacted us.

.....................

Policeman pulls over a speeding car and sees the clearly drunk driver behind the wheel.
"Excuse me sir, would you mind blowing in to this?" He says.
"Depends, what is it?" Asks the pisshead.
"It's a breathalyser sir, it's a bag that lets you know when you've drank too much"
The drunk replies, "No need for that mate, I've got one of those fuckers waiting on me when I get home".

.....................

In the News: Katie Hopkins has collapsed in South Africa after taking Ketamine.
'This is the risk you take, coming to a foreign country with a face like a horse.' Said the Vet whose treating her.

.....................

When I was a teenager, I went through various stages of drug use.
It all started with cigarettes, then cannabis, amphetamine, then ecstasy, cocaine and finally heroin.
With hindsight, it was a stupid thing to do. It ruined me.
But fuck me, what a night.

.....................

So there’s a Tesla car orbiting earth after been launched into space.
The lengths people will go to to stop Scousers nickin their Motor is unbelievable.

.....................

"Does your holiday pass the human rights test?" asks the BBC news website.
Not if you fly Ryanair.

.....................

'Doctor, let me in the Tardis, I have some terrible news.'
'What is the matter?'
'It a strike by the Cybermen.'
'Oh no, which planet are they attacking? Cyberus?Galifray?Don't tell me it's Earth?'
'No, they are not attacking anywhere! They have found out how much the Daleks are earning, and they are picketing the BBC offices.'

.....................

100 years since women were given the vote. Yet it still takes my Mrs two hours to decide which pair of shoes to wear.

.....................

My new black neighbour popped his head over the fence and said, “Yo my man, what’s going down?”
I said, “The price of my proper ... My God! Is that you Anthony Joshua?”
“It is.” he said, looking me directly in the eye.
“In which case its, West Brom.”

.....................

Word of advice – If you’ve been working on your broken down car. Get oil on your fingers. Absentmindedly wipe snot away from under your nose with same fingers. Then decide to leave your car, raise your arm to hail a cab ...
DON’T do it in Germany. Five fucking hours I’ve been in this police station.

.....................

Why don't British cricket fielders have pre-tour travel injections?
Because they never catch anything

.....................

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Old 08-02-2018, 07:54 PM
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My son has been bugging me for weeks to help him build a tree house in the garden, so I have just been out to cut up some wood.
Maybe he'll shut up now the fucking tree has gone.

................

MISSING: Two year old black and white cat with green collar. Very intelligent.
Felix, if you're reading this please come home!

................

BBC News: 10,000 year old cheddar man identified as black.
Daily Mail: UNCOVERED: Somali illegal immigrant smuggling ring going on for 10,000 years.

................

My Doctor told me if I don't make some changes to my lifestyle I probably won't see my next birthday.
Meh. I'm a 41-year-old Scotsman, I've had a pretty good run.

................

1st rule of business. Know your customers.
Greggs have the widest entrance of any shop.

...............

At the recruiting office:

"Tell me in your own words why you want to join the British army? "
"I want to kill Muslims and bomb fuck out of their shithole countries. "
"Really? son, this is the British army, we only fight when we are attacked to uphold our way of life. We just don't kill and indiscriminately bomb Muslim countries. You'll need to join the American army for that. "

...............

As I slowly went down on my wife, I thought ...
“Get out the fucking way bitch! ... I can't control this parachute.”

...............

See there’s a bloke in the news by the name of ‘Cheddar Man’.
Coincidentally, that’s the name my wife gave me after her first AND last blowjob.

...............

"Face of Cheddar Man revealed - and he had dark skin"
Nick Griffin will be cheesed off to learn he's descended from blacks.

...............

People say there are safely in numbers.
Tell that to 6 million Jews.

...............

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