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  #1321  
Old 14-12-2017, 05:48 PM
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Naked man arrives at a fancy dress with a girl on his back
"I'm a turtle" he says
Oh.. Who's on your back?
"That's Michelle" he replies

...............

Last year I left my Christmas shopping too late and ended up getting it all done at a petrol station on Christmas morning.
I thought the limited selection would leave me in the shit but my 17-year-old daughter squealed with delight when she opened her ‘L’ plates and ran over to hug me.
I don’t know why she went out to look on the driveway though.

...............

A man's life is like a lush, green meadow.
It's a beautiful thing until some cow comes along and shits all over it.

...............

Our young son has been crying a lot at night, so my wife asked me to go out and get a baby monitor for him.
But he seems even more freaked out now with the big lizard crawling all over him...

...............

I'm not sure what's worse.
Women who make you try and figure out what's bothering them?
Or the women who actually tell you.

...............

What weighs 8lbs and won't be plucked this Christmas?
At this rate, Chris Rea's guitar.

...............

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  #1322  
Old 15-12-2017, 04:05 PM
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Mrs: How's the ventriloquism going?
Me: Not great
Mrs: But I got you that ventriloquism for dummies book?
Me: I don't think he read it.

................

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she's American and asks her students to raise their hands if they're American too.
Not really knowing why, but wanting to be like their teacher, hands explode into the air like fireworks.
There is, however, one exception, a girl named Becky isn't going along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not an American."
"Then, what are you?" asks the teacher.
"I'm a proud Canadian!" boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red and asks Kristen why she feels she's Canadian.
"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."
The teacher is now angry and screams, "That's no reason! What if your mom was a moron and your dad was a moron!? What would you be then?"
A pause and a smile.
"Then," says Kristen. "I'd be an American."

...............

Give a Nigerian a fish he'll eat for a day.
Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince and start e-mailing people.

................

I walked into Asda in Glasgow and there's a man sobbing at the entrance.
"What's up, pal?" I said.
"Nothing", he replied, "I'm the greeter."

................

When my wife left me, I missed her so much, I bought a blow up doll.
It's almost as if she is still here.
I just put it on the sofa in front of the TV and go have a wank upstairs.

................

My co-workers are like my Christmas lights…
Half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t that bright.

................

Have you heard of those George Foreman grills?
I got a Frank Bruno toaster.
It was fucked after 2 rounds.

................

No more work Christmas parties for me,I woke up drunk, in a forest of pubic hair searching for the clitoris,"I'm too pissed I can't find it"I lamented, "just above my balls" he said!

.................

If aliens are monitoring our media and 98% of the internet is porn, they're not giving us anal probes.
They're just trying to speak our language.

.................

If multiculturalism is such a great moral virtue to display, why then do Leftists hate the British for their historical initiative?

.................

Civvy street is an Imaginary place where Squaddies dream of going so they can talk of "The Good old days in the Mob."

.................

Kirk Douglas is mentioned in the Domesday Book.

.................

I was arrested yesterday for Shoplifting, The Officer said, "You are being charged with Stealing Two Bottles of Wine".
I said, "You can't Charge me for Stealing Two Bottles!"
Officer, "Why not?"
"It was buy one get one free!" I replied

.................

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  #1323  
Old 16-12-2017, 05:37 PM
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Can't believe they fired me from the clock factory, after all the extra hours I put in.

..................

I was asked to help design the first Monopoly board.
I thought, I'll give it a go.

..................

Irish animal rights protesters broke into a Turkey farm outside Dublin last night, they escaped with 5,000 Turkeys. A spokesman for the gang said, "We will be releasing the birds back into the wild, just as soon as they have been defrosted!"

..................

I've just appeared in my first gay panto and by fuck you don't half know about it when he's behind you.

...................

It didn’t matter how many times I said ‘focus’ to my wife while she was practising her reverse parking.

She still hit it.

...................

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse
The candle burned dimly the light was quite naff
It made it quite hard to burgle the gaff.

....................

"Desperate search continues for missing Daniel, 15, not seen for days"
I gather he left on a plane last night.

....................

My girlfriend always asks me to text her when I get in.
That's how small my cock really is.

....................

It will be January soon.
The time of year when everyone joins the gym for two weeks.

....................

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  #1324  
Old 17-12-2017, 01:18 PM
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I have a real habit of acting out the names of any towns that I visit.
For example, when I went to Poole, I went swimming.
When I went to Rugby, I played Rugby.
When I went to Bath, I took a bath.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, I need bailing out of Blackburn police station.

.................

4 x Peter Kay tickets for sale for 2018, only want face value as someone can't make it.

.................

My mother-in-law bought a talking parrot, but she took it back a week later.
"This parrot hasn't said anything!" she complained.
"I haven't had a fucking chance yet!" replied the parrot.

..................

There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female...
If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.
If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

...................

Whats large, round, ginger and found in the biscuit section of a supermarket?
Adele

...................

It's funny how the word 'Snowflake' is used in a derogatory way to describe people who are concerned about the well being of others. Yet every snowflake that ever fell was unique. Unlike all the homophobes, racists. and religious bigots who all seem to share the same hateful brain cell. Anyway after thinking about it I managed to find a word to describe all these people in a similar way they use snowflake.

Tories.

...................

Where do you hide if you kill a black man?
Behind a badge.

....................

Just because she weighed as much as two women... doesn't mean you had a threesome.

.....................

I decided to do research about my family tree.
Turns out it was bought from asda for christmas

.....................

I put my penis in your mouth.
Your mouth is filled with teeth.
Don't you dare tell me I have trust issues.

.....................

I was about to pull out of a parking space when I asked my wife, "Are there any cars approaching?"
"No," she said, looking out of the passenger window.
As I maneuvered onto the road she added, "Just a lorry."

.....................

I saw a passed out drunk guy at the nudist camp.
So I drew a face on his penis.

.....................

Ann Summers have brought out a new gadget to help men find the G spot on their ladies.
They're hoping the "TwatNav" will be a best seller this Christmas....

.....................

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  #1325  
Old 18-12-2017, 07:42 PM
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The police phoned me to tell me my wife was in hospital.
"How is she?" I asked.
"Very critical," replied the officer.
"What's she fucking complaining about now?" I said.

..................

If you're happy and you know it can you please get along to the theatre where Snow White and the other six dwarves are waiting for you.

..................

My kids are at an age where they still believe Santa is real and Mo Farah is British.

..................

You know you're fat when you drop something and think to yourself "Do I really need it?"

..................

As Wayne Rooney nears the halfway point of his community service, working at a garden centre for people with learning difficulties, he has developed a particulary strong bond with one down syndrome sufferer, Andrew Smith.

"It has been really rewarding so far, although at times also very tough. Teaching him to count, whilst trying to make sense of his grunts and dribbles has probably been the hardest point so far", said Andrew

..................

The wife still won't talk to me, even after two weeks in the Bahamas.
Worst welcome home ever.

..................

BBC News: "Conservative elected Chilean president".
I really hope it's Theresa May.

...................

Rowan Atkinson's next film role is to play a comical character who is unable to satisfy his wife.
'Missed her Bean' is showing in cinemas from Friday.

...................

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $200.00.
That's why, in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

...................

I once mistook a glory hole for a peep hole.
Now I'm cockeyed.

...................

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  #1326  
Old 19-12-2017, 08:01 PM
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Why does Santa always come through the chimney?
Because he knows better than to try the back door.

.................

Will someone take pity on Chris Rea and give him a fucking Sat-Nav?
Poor bastards been trying to get home since 1988.

.................

A woman with a clipboard just knocked on our door and asked if we would have a refugee for Christmas.
We normally have a turkey but fuck it, I'll try anything once.

..................

An elderly Jewish woman wins $30 million in the lottery...
She goes to her rabbi to discuss what to do with the money.
She says, "I'd like to spend $10 million on myself and my family."
The rabbi replies, "It would be good to enjoy your winnings and family is important."
She then says she'd like to donate another $10 million to the synagogue and the charity they run, since the synagogue has always been there for her, she'd like to give back.
The rabbi says they could always use the money.
Then she says, "I'd like to spend the last $10 million on a ten-foot golden statue of Adolf Hitler."
Naturally the rabbi is quite horrified.
"Why would you want to memorialize such a monster?" he cries.
She rolls up her sleeve and responds, "He gave me the winning numbers."

.....................

Just heard that the Queen Elizabeth is suffering a leak.
Well , she's not getting any younger you know.

.....................

What’s long and hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber.

.....................

I went for a bite to eat at an upmarket burger van last night...
It had 4 Michelin tyres.

.....................

Christmas these days is a lot like having sex, the build up is great but when it finally comes, I regret spending all that money.

.....................

Woke up this morning after a huge night out and it felt like a badger had shat in my mouth.
Why did I agree to go to Bear Grylls's stag do?

.....................

"Crash victim was drug dealer involved in 130mph chase"
Ironic, isn't it? A drug dealer killed by his own speed.

.....................

Where do Muslims buy their car parts?
Halalfords.

.....................

Couldn't reach the Northamptonshire Police website because it "took too long to respond."
No change there, then.

.....................

My driving instructor told me that I should wear a seatbelt because if I were to crash, the force could throw me out of the car.
I can't believe that he thinks star wars is real.

.....................

I bought an Internet Explorer advent calendar.
It takes fucking ages to open a window.

.....................

The EU has ruled that obesity qualifies as a disability.
From next month, every space in McDonald's car park will have a wheelchair painted on it.

.....................

Star Wars:
Incest, intergalactic racism, beings with disfigured bodies and six fingers and others covered head to toe in body hair.
Does anyone else think "a galaxy far, far away" is actually Norfolk?

.....................

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  #1327  
Old 20-12-2017, 07:01 PM
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The wife said my cock reminded her of a supermarket.
I said "because it's well stocked and supplies your every need?"
She replied "No because it's Lidl"

.................

My wife asked me if we could have something more 'Christmassy' on the television.
So I put Fifa on and played in snowy conditions.

.................

As a child:
'You are grounded. '

As an adult:
'Your package will be delivered between 8am and 6pm. '

.................

"You can be a right cunt sometimes." Said the Mrs.
"Great. Can I choose Wednesdays and Saturdays?" I replied.

.................

I slept like a baby last night.
I pissed the bed 3 times and woke up covered in sick.

.................

All this politically-correct palaver has gone too far.
I hear we're even supposed to say 'gender fluid' now.
What nonsense. There's nothing wrong with the original terms, 'spunk' and 'fanny batter'.

..................

Just found a pair of my 14 yr old son's underwear stuffed under his bed.
I'm no archaeologist but if I had to guess, I'd say they were from his crustation period.

..................

A guy goes to the doctor and says, "doctor my leg keeps talking to me."
So the doctor takes out his stethoscope and listens to the guys thigh and he hears, "lend me a fiver!"
The doctor then takes a listen to the guys knee and hears, "Lend me a tenner!"
The doctor then takes a listen at the guys shin and hears, "Lend me twenty quid!"
"So what's the problem doctor?" the guy asks anxiously.
"It's your leg - it's broke in three places," says the doctor.

...................

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  #1328  
Old 21-12-2017, 07:30 PM
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With Paul Clement gone, this is now the third December in a row that Swansea have sacked their manager.
Some people will do absolutely anything to avoid buying a Christmas present.

................

After seeing those cute puppies on the Andrex advert, I decided to get the kids one for Christmas.
I can't wait to see their excited little faces when they open up their extra-soft toilet roll.

................

I'm looking for volunteers for Help for Heroes.
Cadbury need help filling the other three-quarters of the fucking tub.
(And if you like this joke (or not), please donate a few quid to the real Help for Heroes this Christmas - they have my total respect.)

................

Jose Mourinho says he can't think of any other year when Manchester United suffered so many injuries.
Twat!!
What about the year of the fucking Munich Air Disaster?

.................

What do you call a Russian with Tourettes?
Yukanol Fukov

.................

Government to update sex education classes, to cover topics like sexting, online porn, and everything else kids might need to become an MP......

.................

It was Xmas Eve and I could hear faint Latin rhythms and long guitar notes coming from behind the fireplace.
Santana was stuck up the chimney.

.................

Dear Deirdre,
When I was 16 and got an erection, I could not bend my cock with both hands!
I'm now 73 and can bend it with one, does this mean I'm getting stronger?

.................

Donald Trump has just passed massive tax cuts for the rich.
Confirming that 'Trickle-down' economics is where the 1% piss all over everyone else.

.................

Damian green.
Late night five knuckle shuffle leads to cabinet re-shuffle .

.................

What do you call a body bag in the ghetto?
A gangster wrapper.

.................

It is that time of year again for the tradition of drunk people stuffing their hands up a fat bird's arse.
Or is that just our works party?

.................

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  #1329  
Old 22-12-2017, 07:42 PM
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IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

Tea is more dangerous than beer. Please avoid drinking tea.

I discovered this last night, I had 14 beers till 3am at the pub while my wife was just drinking tea at home.

You should have seen how violent and angry she was when I got home. I was peaceful, silent and headed to bed as she shouted at me, all night and even into the next morning.

Please ladies, if you can't handle your tea, don't drink it.

................

Why did the chicken commit suicide?
To get to the other side...

................

While in town today I saw a homeless woman and I remembered seeing something on facebook about giving them feminine products instead of money. Feeling suddenly very generous I rushed into Boots and two minutes later presented the homeless woman with a carrier bag. She thanked me, looked in the bag and with tears in her eyes asked me, "Where the fuck am I going to plug an iron in?

................

Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
Except for a Scouse

He's in through your window
He's out with a sack
To take to his dealer
To swop for some crack

.................

At the National Gallery a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'
After the curator left, a man approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.
'Because I'm the man who painted it,' he replied.
'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all! They're just three Welsh coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.

................

I'm absolutely knackered from my French self-defence class last night.
I've never run so far in all my life.

................

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost?
Nothing, it’s on the house.

.................

Disney now owns Star Wars, Marvel, Indiana Jones, Disney World and the Simpsons.
If they acquire my parent’s divorce, they'll own my entire childhood.

.................

"I've always though its nicer to give rather than receive at Christmas" I said," "quit your shit and pick up the soap" replied buba!

.................

Whenever someone says “There’s no way that can happen!” just respond “Trump happened...”

.................

I don't know what's going to be tougher this Christmas
Telling the kids there's no spare money for presents this year, or the look on their faces when they see my new Ferrari.

.................

Whenever someone plays a rap song, I have the feeling I've heard it before.
My Doctor says I've got Dre-ja-vue.

.................

When I said I wanted to find a girlfriend with no gag reflex, I didn't mean no sense of humour.

.................

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  #1330  
Old 23-12-2017, 06:46 PM
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I got up for a piss in the night and noticed somebody sneaking around in next doors
garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and twatted him around the head with a shovel, killing him instantly. He then began to dig a grave with the shovel and bury him.
Astonished I got back into bed. My wife said "darling you're shaking, what's the matter?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen" I replied, " that cunt next door has still got my fucking shovel!!"

...............

London zoo fire. Meerkats missing.
Insurance job. Simples.

...............

There is a knock on the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks out, and a man is standing there. Saint Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears.
A moment later there's another knock. Saint Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, but the man disappears once again. "Hey, are you playing games with me?" Saint Peter calls after him, rather annoyed.
"No..." the man's distant voice replies anxiously - "...they're trying to resuscitate me....."

................

Saw my Ex today.One thing led to another and we ended up having sex.
The Police were a bit pissed off though ,I was only supposed to identify the body.

................

Make Christmas more entertaining by sending a Christmas card to your neighbours with things like "To the prick with the noisy dog hope you have a shite Xmas " Then sign it from an other cunt of a neighbour.

................

I put the name Tourettes on the back of my Sunday league jersey.
Now I can curse the referees all I want, and they think it's normal.

................

Latest Google Home Mini, TV ad...
"What temperature do I cook a turkey at Google?"
"175"
Well, that should successfully wipe out the OAPs of the U.K. that still use Fahrenheit.

...............

You still can't snort coke through a rolled-up bitcoin.

...............

"'Not what we come to work for' Fury as police beaten black and blue in Mad Friday violence"
Makes a change. Usually it's the blue beating the black.

...............

I was kept awake last night by the bloke next door giving someone a right good fucking.
And as I lay in my bed unable to get back to sleep, I thought, "Thank Christ I'm not his cellmate."

...............

The American military will be using NORAD to track Santa Claus this year.
It was tough having to sit my kids down and explain to them the meaning of 'Friendly Fire' and why Santa and his reindeer may not make it to ours.

...............

Some anti-abortion activists were in town today, protesting and waving their graphic and disgusting posters around.
But at least they reminded me to take the giblets out of my Christmas turkey.

...............

I took my son to school for the first time today and I was amazed at the number of mums turning up in four-by-fours. I thought to myself, "They will never use those for off-roading."
Then I saw them trying to park.

...............

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  #1331  
Old 24-12-2017, 09:22 PM
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"Can you get some bleach, washing powder and some shake and vac while you're out?" My wife asked.
"Can you not wait until you’ve opened your presents tomorrow?" I replied

................

I hate Christmas Shopping for my wife.
Just wasted 35 minutes in a queue discovering Poundland don't do Gift Vouchers.

................

Just went into the pub and asked for a pint of anything except Stella.
"What's wrong with Stella?" Asked the Barman.
"I had 12 pints of Stella last night and the next thing I remember, I was fucking skint." I replied.
"12 pints of anything costs roughly the same, mate." He said.
"Yeah, I know." I replied. "But Skint is my dog."

.................

My Wife was running a temperature so I rang the doctor.
He said, "Is she very hot?".
I said, "Well, with a bit of make-up on she's not bad..."

.................

I convinced the wife to work for MI5.
So she wouldn't be allowed to tell me about her day.

.................

Santa Clause had better watch out. If you are going to grow a massive white beard and live in a grotto its only a matter of time until the Americans bomb you.

.................

A 29-year-old man has been charged after a snowman holding a rocket launcher was painted on the window of an office in Londonderry.
It's political correctness gone mad. Is a traditional Irish Christmas not allowed nowadays?

..................

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...
I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors.

...................

I didn't realize that Santa was gay. I held his sack, while he came up my chimney.

...................

"In two hundred metres, take the third reich."
Nazi Sat-Nav.

....................

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Old 24-12-2017, 09:28 PM
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Wishing you all a Merry Christmas
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Old 25-12-2017, 09:39 PM
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We've just played the Christmas edition of Cluedo.
The wife murdered Christmas dinner, in the kitchen, with the oven!

...................

Paddy gets arrested for beating his wife
The judge asks "why do you keep beating her"
Paddy replies "I think it's my weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork.

...................

Look at all the sad cunts logging onto here on Christmas day...oh wait!

...................

Last night, I found a young homeless girl hidden among the bins.
She was dirty and smelled horrible, but I knew under that grime was a pretty girl.
I took her in and bathed her, as I toweled her down I became aroused.
One thing led to another and before I knew it I was frantically fucking her on the bathroom floor.
At one point I was banging her so hard, that you'd think she was still alive...

....................

What do you say to a Pakistani on Christmas Day?
20 Bensons & a pint of milk, please?

....................

Jesus was in a foul mood after shagging his new girlfriend for the first time.
She asked: "What's up with you?"
Jesus replied: "Oh, nothing... It's just really fucking annoying to hear a bird scream your dad's name while she's having an orgasm."

....................

Well that's embarrassing,My father walk in on me fucking a bird last night,He's not talking to me now because he says the Turkey's ruined!

....................

Christmas tip - Don't ask the lesbian couple next door if you can borrow their turkey baster.

....................

I was directing a play and I thought I'd spice it up a bit by adding a lesbian shower scene.
Some say I'm the fresh and bold thing theater needs, others that I ruined the nativity.

....................

For Xmas I got a great self help book, I think it’s going to do wonders for my sex life , it’s titled ‘ Men’s guide to getting Tits and Pussy whenever you want it’ by Caitlyn Jenner

...................

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  #1334  
Old 26-12-2017, 08:25 PM
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I remember when my parents died, all they left me was a globe..
It meant the world to me.

....................

I got a can of Newcastle Brown Ale stuck in my foot.
It's an ingrowing toon ale.

....................

For Sale: 20 pairs of socks and 8 lynx sets £10 no offers!

....................

My wife is so naive.
I just told her that the reason it's called Boxing Day is that us men don't have to come home from the pub until we've done twelve rounds.

.....................

If you're wondering what to do with your Turkey carcass after Christmas...
Pop it in your bed and imagine you're David Beckham.

.....................

Why is it that a lot of Ford car names sound better when you put 'anal' in front of them?
Probe, Ranger, Explorer, Escort, Fiesta, Galaxy and Cougar.

......................

There is 364 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up already!
Unbelievable

......................

Walking past our local furniture shop during the Boxing Day sales I noticed a sign advertising "1/3 off all our 3 piece suites!!"
I thought "Well that's a 2 piece suite then."

......................

I shagged my best mate's wife the other night and now I feel terrible......
Reckon she had flu or something.

......................

How many policemen does it take to change a lightbulb?
It doesn't matter, they just beat the room because its black.

......................

What’s more dangerous than running with the scissors?
Scissoring with the runs.

......................

I went to japan recently, and my mate told me the women's pussy's go sideways!
Well they don't..... and I took harmonica lessons for fuck all !

......................

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Old 27-12-2017, 07:54 PM
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Tough game for Newcastle tonight.
Football.

.................

When hiring a prostitute on holiday in Amsterdam, never ask her to sit on your face in a "shilly Dutch akshent"

.................

I tried to re-marry my ex-wife, but she figured out I was only after my money.

.................

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
The stables have turned.

.................

I entered what I ate over the past few day into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

.................

I was walking down this street and this really sexy woman tells me, 'Oh my god. You are so hot. I want you to fuck me right now!'
It's true. You can ask Brad Pitt, he was right behind me.

.................

"I'm sorry for your loss," I said to the guy taking flowers into the funeral parlour.
"Thanks mate," he laughed, "but I'm just delivering for Interflora! "
"I know, and some kid has just stolen your van."

.................

Society has changed so much.
30 years ago I played a shepherd in my school nativity.
This year my son played an Infidel.

.................

Yet another Christmas day spent pacing the floors at the A & E.
16 hours not knowing what's going on, out of my head on crack.
They told me there's a new doctor on his way.
Then I can finish my shift.

.................

I used to have a job holding a Flag.
But now a Pole has got it.

.................

Remember for New Year's weight loss that chocolate oranges aren't a fruit.

.................

I ended up in hospital due to a really bad reaction after trying peanut butter for the first time.
My rottweiler bit my bollocks.

.................

Donald Trump has been on the phone to Vladimir Putin.
Putin replies , " It's very kind of you Donald, but I honestly don't need any help to get me re-elected."

.................

Happy Birthday to you
Those nails just won't do
They are looking, worn and rusty
So I've bought you some glue...
Happy birthday Jesus!

..................

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Old 28-12-2017, 06:58 PM
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Old MacDonald had tourette's.
E-I-E-I TWAT

................

I used to get so excited about French lessons!..
Sometimes a little "oui" would come out.

.................

An East Texas couple, both real-life rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this.

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

.................

So, Virgil van Dijk is off to Liverpool for 75 million.
I wonder if his Scouse accent will be as accurate as his dad's Cockney in Mary Poppins.

.................

My wife and I were out for dinner celebrating our anniversary.
"Who do you think I need to speak to about getting rid of this genital wart?" I said to her over a bowl of soup.
"I didn't know you had one of those" she replied. "When did you discover that?"
"My third spoonful. I thought it was a crouton"

.................

I got sacked from my job with the Samaritans today.
Who would have thought having Muds "Lonely This Christmas" was inappropriate hold music.

..................

I always wanted to join the mile high club but couldn't afford an airline ticket.
So I filled my sex doll with helium.

..................

Facebook game requests are like the jehovah's witnesses of the internet

..................

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Old 29-12-2017, 06:17 PM
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Just bought Cluedo: Swingers Edition,
Turns out they all did it........in every room!

..................

I went to the pharmacy this morning and asked for 50 condoms.
The girl winked at me and said, "Oh, someone has a busy weekend ahead of them!"
"I know," I said. "I'm making a raincoat for my pet snake."

..................

It's so cold tonight my nipples are the same size as my cock.

..................

Played the new ‘Monopoly - NHS Edition ‘ at Christmas. The game abruptly ends in bankruptcy when someone lands on Chance, and gets the card that says, ‘Each player must pay hospital car parking charges.’

...................

My missus isn't speaking to me anymore, just because I didn't open the car door for the bitch.
Well, to be honest, I panicked and swam like fuck to the surface.

...................

If you eat your cake fast enough, your Fitbit thinks you're walking..

....................

Kodak and Durex..... they both capture that special moment.

....................

My wife asked me to buy her clothes for Christmas. She said, "Make sure you buy them in a size 12"
Judging by her face she doesn't likes her shoes.

....................

I went through three magazines on a train yesterday.
I'd killed a dozen people by the time they wrestled the gun off me.

....................

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  #1338  
Old 30-12-2017, 06:27 PM
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I'm going to a deodorant party tomorrow...
Roll on Saturday

.................

I went to the cemetery yesterday and laid some roses on my wifes grave.
Just the coffee flavoured ones though I like all the others.

.................

"I take it you're from America madam."
"You condescending arse, just because I'm a little overweight you assume I'm American?"
"No madam, this is Tesco and we don't sell guns."

.................

On his last tour of Ireland , the Pope was asked what he thought of County Down .
" I preferred it when Carol Vorderman was in it " , he replied .

.................

Got arrested for racial assault because i tackled this Indian man to the floor.
I was only protecting him from a sniper.
Lucky for him i saw the laser sight before the guy took one in the head...

.................

Raising your voice: The next best thing to being right!

.................

" Margaret Thatcher refused to travel in plane with Giant Panda"
If I remember correctly , it was the other way round.

.................

Three words that sum up the honours system...
Sir
Jimmy
Savile

.................

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Old 31-12-2017, 01:30 PM
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I took my wife to Scotland to see if we could spot the Loch Ness Monster. We were only there for a couple of minutes when I noticed something in the water.
"There it is!" I shouted. "There's something fucking horrible looking right at us."
"That's my reflection," said my wife.

..................

"Diana!" I said greeting my Mother-In-Law as she walked through the door...
She said, "My name's Anna."
I said, "Yeah, I know."

..................

I see an American police swat team has killed an innocent man outside his house. Expect a week of protests, followed by rioting and looting........Oh, maybe not. This bloke was white.

..................

What do you call a woman who talks too much after sex?
A taxi.

..................

Whenever I see a respected actor in panto I always like to shout 'It's beneath you!

..................

Storm Dylan?
The answer my friend is blowin' in the wind.

..................

If I travel through time and have sex with my past or future self, would that be gay? Or just an elaborate form of masturbation?

..................

It's two years since Lemmy died, so as a tribute to him we should all have a minute's noise.

..................

My missus went to have some hair extensions put in yesterday.
It put me right off when she came home and I could see them dangling beneath her skirt.

..................

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Old 01-01-2018, 04:34 PM
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Yesterday was so last year.

.................

My missus reckons she's "staying dry in January"
Fat chance with a hunk like me knocking round the house!

.................

I had a central heating engineer round this afternoon and while he was working away he said, “I see you’re a darts man, like myself.”
I asked how he worked that out and he replied, “That photo on the fireplace of you and Jocky Wilson.”
I replied, “That’s my wife mate.”

.................

Paddy goes to a florist & says "I'd like to buy some flowers for my girlfriend."
The florist says "Certainly, what is it you're after?"
Paddy says "a blow job"

.................

Norwich city trophy room has been broken into and all the contents have been stolen.
Police are looking for a man with a green and yellow carpet.

.................

I played football for the first time yesterday, after a long lay off with health issues
I heard someone in the crowd shout "You've still got it mate"!
Unfortunately, it was my doctor with my latest test results.

.................

I wonder how many calls 'We buy any car dot com' have had from the Liverpool area today...

.................

My New Year resolution.
1600 x 1200

.................

Just seen this hot babe working out at the gym. So I asked her if she had made any New Year resolutions. " Fuck you ", she said.
Looks like a great 2018 for me already then.
Hope you all have one too.

.................

I woke up this morning and said to the missus.
"Wow! that was fantastic last night, you weren't faking it were you"?
She replied "No, I really was asleep"

.................

Bill says to Ben, flobba...lobba...lobble...and Ben replies....For fuck sake Bill....if you loved me you'd swallow.!

.................

I got totally pissed last night and ended up shagging a woman with a really tight vagina and the most massive clit I've ever seen.
I think she said her name was Derek.

.................

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Old 02-01-2018, 06:14 PM
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My new years resolution is to give up my two bad habits of masturbation and smoking.
I'm now down to 15 a day and doing well at packing in smoking as well.

....................

After the horse meat found in Tesco burgers scandal a few years ago they have now found thousands of camel toes in Primark leggings.

....................

My new girlfriend says that a small penis will not affect our relationship.
That's all well and good, but I'd be a lot happier if she didn't have one at all.

....................

I went into the local chemist and said to the assistant "Could I have a dozen condoms please miss"?
She said "Don't you miss me"
I said "OK, better make it thirteen then"

....................

You'll never walk alone, especially when you park in Liverpool.

....................

“Should old acquaintance be forgot
And never brought to mind”

- said Kevin Spacey’s defense lawyer.

.....................

Here are 7 things you never knew about me:

1. I rarely finish anything I start.

.....................

The local Weight Watchers club meets in the room above Domino's Pizza.
Which I suppose is a good way of filtering out those whose heart isn't really in it.

.....................

"Holy shit!", yelled the nurse as I pulled my pants down. "That is hands down the biggest one I have ever seen".
"Really?", I said blushing, I didn't think my penis was that big.
"No", replied the nurse, "but that hemorrhoid hanging out of your arse is".

.....................

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  #1342  
Old 03-01-2018, 06:07 PM
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If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, why don't Daleks hide in orchards?

.................

Michael Barrymore reportedly turned down the chance to do panto this year. Barrymore was offered a role but said ‘No I done Aladdin a few years back and never again’

.................

My late Mother-in-law is famous for her 9 dart finish.
The pygmies said they'd never killed anything that big before.

.................

Saw a Scouser running out of the Echo arena doing a cracking Kings Of Leon impression on New Years Eve...
He was like...
"Ehhhhoohohoohoh, my Vectra's on fire"

.................

Five unshakable facts:
1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing them.
2. We all love to spend lots of money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.
4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was killed by the woman's husband.
5. Arguing over a girl's breast size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

...................

I was attacked last night by a bear that had escaped from the zoo. I thought my time was up but luckily it just mounted me and fucked me up the arse. I think it must have been bi-polar.

....................

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Old 04-01-2018, 06:23 PM
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If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive then you should try swimming with sharks. Cost me a bloody arm and a leg.

....................

Royal Mail has just released a Game Of Thrones themed set of stamps.
Winter is coming.
Yeah, a damn sight quicker than my fucking post.

....................

Reef knot, Granny knot, surgeon's knot, hangman's knot, square knot.
I can't do any of them, but my headphones sure as Hell can.

....................

A vagina is like the weather - Once it gets wet, its time to go inside.

....................

I don't know which is more annoying. The new self service check-out at my local ASDA, or all the weirdo's that watch me shouting at it.

....................

I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my sixpack for a good couple minutes.
But then I got really thirsty and drank the lot.

....................

My wife is so good at multi-tasking.
She can have sex and fall asleep at the same time.

....................

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Old 05-01-2018, 06:03 PM
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Just dropped my phone in mayonnaise.
Fucking hellman!

................

Friday is my second favourite F word.

................

Why is Thor's brother so relaxed all the time?
He's just low-key.

.................

We're so skint after Christmas that I've had to get my wife to sell one of her kidneys.
If things get any worse I might have to cancel Sky Sports.

.................

Disgrace that Black cab Rapist John Worboys to be released from prison.
On a positive note, he is now qualified to work for Uber.

.................

when it comes to nuclear war the main difference is:-
Korea have a desk with a button, and America have a desk with a knob.

.................

Jesus died on the cross for all our sins and still only had twelve followers.
Fuck me, Facebook must've been hard in those days.

.................

I was at the self serve checkouts yesterday and I noticed that the ginger guy next to me had "unauthorised item in bagging area" on his screen. Condoms.

.................

'dietchef.com healthy meals delivered right to you door.'
Let's face it, if you can't be bothered to walk to the shops, you're not going to be losing weight anytime soon.

.................

Just listening to some Eric Clapton, and got thinking about how his music is going to sound when he's older. It's a tad worrying, actually.
I don't fancy hearing numbers such as "I Shat The Stair-lift".

.................

For sale: Slightly damaged, old style toilet.
No upward chain.

.................

I just rang Alcohol Concern.
Told them I was worried I didn't have enough beer in the fridge.
They're quite rude, aren't they?

.................

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Old 06-01-2018, 07:43 PM
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As the sperm dripped down my wife's chin, I looked in her eyes and asked " Do you like that ? "
"No" She relied. " What the fuck is in this sandwich ? "

..................

Terrorists will NEVER beat this country of ours ever.........
unless they use snow as a weapon.

..................

Apparently Wi-Fi laptops can damage your sperm.
In my experience, not as much as sperm can damage your Wi-Fi laptop.

..................

I've just been on Trip Advisor.
There's fuck all information about a twisted ankle and a skinned knee.

..................

I was playing a round of golf yesterday, when who should turn up at the course but Donald Trump himself?
As he was teeing off I asked, "What's your handicap?"
He replied, "Not sure whether it's Alzheimer's or neurosyphilis, to be honest."

..................

Donald Trump has claimed his two greatest assets are his mental stability and “being, like, really smart”.
Nonsense. Clearly his greatest asset is his sense of humour.

..................

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Old 07-01-2018, 01:46 PM
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Suggs will be giving a talk on racial equality and diversity next week.
It’s Madness gone politically correct, I tell you.

...................

I want to go down on you and make you really happy, then I want to come back up slowly and fuck you real good.

Yours sincerely, Petrol prices.

...................

Steven Hawkins reached 75 today....seriously how fast is his wheelchair?? If he reaches 88 he surely travels back in time.

...................

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Old 08-01-2018, 05:12 PM
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Just put some trousers on I last wore at a wedding in 2001 and found a Nokia 3210 in the back pocket.
It's still got 2 bars of battery left on it.

...................

Bloody millennials, walking round like they rent the place.

...................

Face: Is it slumped on one side?
Arms: Can they raise both?
Speech: Is it slurred?
Time: To call an ambulance.

Time is of the essence in treating stroke victims. The sooner they get to A & E for a five-hour wait until a doctor becomes available the better.

....................

I called into Jessops today to pick up some photos I'd taken of my wife naked.
"Would you like the negatives?" Asked the guy as he handed me the package.
"Yes please!" I replied.
He said, "Your wife's got saggy tits and a fat arse."

....................

Last night a gunman burst into the Celebrity Big Brother house and killed everyone.
Victims are yet to be identified.

....................

I grew up thinking I was Irish.
But thanks to Ancestry.com
I now know I'm just a drunk.

....................

I went to see my doctor the other day, I said "That hemorrhoid cream you prescribed me, I applied it the other day as you directed and I got a very angry reaction to it"
He asked "Where exactly did you apply it"?
I replied "When I was going home on the bus"

.....................

There have been more than 24,000 attempts to access porn from the houses of parliament since the last election.
It looks like they are trying to pull more than just the wool over our eyes then.

.....................

Oh dear, he's missed the blue after avoiding brown and dropped the green. " I said.
"I didn't know snooker was on, I thought it was over for this year, " replied my wife.
"It is, " I answered, "I'm watching the council bin man. "

.....................

Yank : FBI agent,
Brit : MI5 agent,
Russian : KGB agent,
Pakistani : News agent!!..

.....................

I text my wife this afternoon “ Darling, I had a bad accident at work this morning and fell from great height, Sarah kindly rushed me to the hospital, the doctors have examined me and tested me, they have xrayed the damage in my legs and say I may never walk again, and will possibly stay in a wheelchair for the rest of my life.”
She text back “Who’s Sarah?”

.....................

Alexandra Burke has announced she is engaged to her boyfriend Joshua Ginnelly by posting a snap of her ring on Instagram.
Fucking hell, these youngsters nowadays have no class at all.

.....................

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Old 09-01-2018, 07:29 PM
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I've finally reached the age where Happy Hour is a nap.

..................

As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way.
I think, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me after all.

..................

I'm Having trouble finding out what
51, 6 and 500 are in Roman numerals!!!
I'm LIVID

..................

I was feeling a bit kinky, so I went to a brothel and ask for some
"shit play"
The girl showed me a video of West Ham's last couple of games.

..................

As speculation mounts about Oprah running for President, an opposition group has already formed calling itself No Oprah.
Asked how they plan to defeat her, a spokesman said "Easy!..No Oprah backwards"

..................

I had a game of Candy Crush today.
I throw a mars bar into a weight watchers class.

..................

I walked out of a club with a girl last night.
She slipped her hand inside my jeans, squeezed my cock and said, "Yours or mine?"
I said, "That's mine."

..................

RELATED

The marriage counselling service in Norfolk.

..................

"Red and yellow and pink and green, purple and orange and blue..... "
Dana - beautiful voice, absolutely fucking terrible snooker player..

..................

Bought some sexy lingerie today from Anne summer.
"Surprise for the Wife?" asked the assistant
"Only if she catches me wearing it" I replied.

..................

I think Barry Bennell is having a harsh time.
Back in the day i used to watch Crewe Alex youth team and believe me they needed fucking.

..................

There's plenty of fish in the sea, but until I catch one, I'm stuck here just holding my rod.

..................

BBC News -
'Coach abused boy more than 100 times'
With what?! It's exhaust?

..................

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Old 10-01-2018, 10:03 AM
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It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Centre.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see

"It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

They were all hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.

"SHIT!!" shouted Claude.

It took them three days to completely clean up the Senior Citizens' Centre and Claude was never invited back again.
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Old 10-01-2018, 05:19 PM
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Traffic Update:
A Vick's Vaporub lorry has overturned on the motorway.
Police have confirmed that there will be no congestion for 8 hours!

.....................

Every time Theresa May goes into her house at 10 Downing Street, she knocks on the door and waits for somebody to let her in.
How can she run a country when she can't even remember her bloody key?

.....................

A lollipop lady cleaned the snow off my windscreen this morning.
Although, I think the impact helped her a bit.

.....................

My dad always said, "When one door closes another one opens."
Lovely fellow, shocking submarine captain.

.....................

With the rise of self-driving vehicles there will soon be a country song about how your truck left you too.

.....................

Women are a lot like video games.
When they get too difficult, you have to cheat.

.....................

Paddy is sat having a quiet drink in the bar when Murphy walks in cradling a lizard. Paddy exclaims "Bejeezus Morph, what the hell have you got there, looks like some mad kind of swivel eyed dinosaur type of thing?"
Murphy carefully sets his new pet down on the table and replies "He's a Chameleon."
Paddy lowers his head to the table until he's almost nose to nose with the animal and says "Go on then, tell me a joke!"

.....................

I lost my job at the fertility clinic today after a guy called in and asked, whats the best way to give anonymous sperm donations?
I told him Rohypnol and a balaclava.

.....................

Eric Clapton reveals he's going deaf.
That would explain his last two albums.

.....................

An elderly Italian man went to his parish and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son." said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans, so I hid her in my attic and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess." said the priest.
"It gets worse, Father! I was weak and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors." continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time and you took a large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil and judge you kindly." said the priest.
"Thanks, Father." said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son." said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

.......................

I'm playing cowboys and Indians with my neighbour.
I fixed his roof, and he's arguing about the price.

.......................

My wife says it's disgusting to piss in the bath.
I suppose she has a point. I should have waited until she got out first.

.......................

I hate people that dislike football but go along to games to deliberately cause trouble and ruin it for everybody else!
Fucking referees.

.......................

“A sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. Personally, I think its bollocks.”

.......................

The bra section - the only place in the world where you fail if you get an A.

.......................

My mates reckon I'm a legend after I told them I'd kicked the crap out of 2 Green Berets down the docks on the weekend.
Although I think most people prefer to call them Boy Scouts.

.......................

The Army's new recruitment advert has come under criticism for being "too politically-correct".
I can see it now:
"Left! Right! Left Right Left! Pick them feet up, you 'orrible little man!"
"Did you just assume my gender?"

.......................

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