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  #1201  
Old 24-08-2017, 12:48 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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People always ask me why Im single?

Im single by choice..

Unfortunately its not my choice.

....................

Stephen Hawking had a heart attack earlier.

I didn't know whether to take him to A&E or PC world.

....................

Wayne Rooney retired from international football today saying, "I can't possibly manage to put all my energy into England, Everton and Elsie from Edgehill.

....................

The singer Cliff Richard has been suffering from much online abuse.
Hes got himself some spying, talking, tweeting, stalking, living trolls.

....................

I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay earlier, I couldn't help but Wonder what his handicap was?

....................

Me and my flat chested wife went to see a marriage counsellor today.
The counsellor asked us; "What seems to be the problem?"
"Well," I said, "Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic."

....................

I read a history book about World War II that was only four pages long.
It was abridged too far.

....................

My mate signed up for one of those 'learn to be a plumber in 6 weeks' courses you see in the papers.
His final exam was at 9am yesterday.
He turned up at 3pm, looked at the exam paper and said, "Looks like I am going to need a pen for this job - I will have to pop round to my suppliers for one. Be right back."
He came top of his class.

.....................

"Give it to me! .... Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to, I was keeping the umbrella.

.....................

I've just walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read: 'One day this could be you.'
So I put my pound back in my pocket, just in case he's right.

.....................

The old woman who lives next to me is a strange one.
She's got hundreds of pet bluebottles.

.....................

I've just made it through to the next round of the fetish wear cup.
Now Im in the semi vinyls.

.....................

I lost my virginity when I was sixteen.
I found it again after I got married....

.....................

The woman at the Job Centre said, "You're always late, you ignore the queue of people and you are rude to everyone."
I said, "What's your point?"
She said, "Have you ever thought of becoming a bus driver?"

.....................

Today my bank manager sent me a camouflaged bull.
Its those hidden charges you have to watch out for.

.....................

It's our 'health a safety officers' night out tonight.
We're going to paint the town in a hypoallergenic red paint, but only to a height of 2 metres, therefore eliminating the need for anyone to climb unsafely or overstretch themselves.

.....................

I hate prejudice, and because of my name, I can't get a job counselling sex attack victims.
The last rejection letter started the same, 'I'm sorry Mr. Ray Piste. . .'

.....................

Office Managers, need to reduce staffing levels but can't decide who to lay off?
Have a game of musical chairs.
The loser is made redundant and has already had their leaving party.

.....................

The Transport Secretary has thought of a way to reduce both the frequency and the fatality of train crashes; he's going to slash services by a third and raise fares by 80%.

.....................



.....................
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  #1202  
Old 25-08-2017, 01:00 PM
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Have you heard about that new Elbow tribute band called Arse?
They're so good you can't tell them apart.

.......................

I went to a fetish restaurant last night.
I got toed in the hole.

.......................

A new owner has been found for Liverpool FC.
Sheikh Anvac claims he will put the freshness back in to the club.

.......................

How many McCanns does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to take it away and bury it when they realize it's dead, and one to write a book about how much they miss the light bulb and wish they hadn't left it on it's own while they went out enjoying themselves at a tapas bar.

......................

Aim for the stars!
But do remember to first take care of the bodyguards.

......................

So this guy comes into a bar.
No, wait, a horse! So this guy comes into a horse.

......................

I've just bought a house with old period features.
She fucking hates it when I call her that.

......................

They're always telling me to live my dreams.
But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for.

.....................

Advert: Make a splash with a beautiful website...

I do, with Porn Hub.

.....................

Those three little words can mean so much.
Now why would my wife get so upset?
All I said was: "Ja Mein Fuhrer"

.....................

I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.

.....................

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  #1203  
Old 26-08-2017, 05:38 PM
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My girlfriend is useless at MMA, but you should see her box! #MayweatherVsMcGregor

..................

I bought my missus a sexy maid's outfit in the hope that it would improve things in the bedroom.
Unfortunately it hasn't worked, the place is still a shithole.

..................

I'm afraid it's cancer.
Benign.
Thank fuck for that.
No,let me finish; be nine weeks at the very most.

..................

As I was walking through the park I saw an old man feeding the birds and I thought to myself, "I wonder how long he's been dead?"

..................

What do you call a Muslim gangster?
Halal Capone

..................

I think my job interview to be a Bug Sorter went well.
I boxed all the right ticks............

..................

NEWS HEADLINES Man arrested at Buckingham Palace had a 4 foot chopper.
Linford Christie denies any involvement.

..................

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  #1204  
Old 27-08-2017, 05:53 PM
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Looking at my bank balance and I'm ready to have an accident at work that wasn't my fault.

..................

I've written a book about a young girl who takes drugs and encounters all kinds of strange creatures talking in almost incomprehensible dialect. It ends up with her getting pregnant and becoming a single mother, living on a shitty estate and surviving of benefits.
It's called "Alice in Sunderland".

...................

So much for all this equal opportunities bollocks.
I still haven't seen a white guy working in an Indian restaurant.

...................

I was in a pub in Watford today when i saw a procession of LGBT people marching along singing and waving colourful flags. They looked like they were having a great time so i said to the barman 'these Pride events are great don't you think? How long have they been doing this in Watford?' He said 'That's not a Pride parade mate - that's the away fans - Watford are playing Brighton today'.

....................

A girl came up to me in the club and said, "I haven't had a cock for nearly two weeks now."
I asked her back to my place and we started fooling around.
We got undressed, and that was when I noticed that she still had the scars from the operation.

....................

My son can't pay attention in school, is always getting into fights, and he constantly disrupts the class. His teacher thinks he's ADHD.
All dickhead, half douchebag.

....................

I said to the missus "You should go without a bra more often" "Why "? she giggled, "Is it because it's sexy to see my titties jiggle up and down and my nipples poking out"? I said "Naw, neither, it pulls the fucking wrinkles out of your face".

...................

A man walks up to a lass in a night club and says "Hi, the names Bond."
She says "Don't tell me - your first name's James?"
"No," he replies "it's Uni - I'm here to fill your crack."

...................

"What's your new girlfriend called?" asked my mate.
"It's Clare" I replied, "but everyone calls her Barbie."
"Wow! Is that because she's got blonde hair and big tits?" he smiled.
I said, "no, it's 'cos she smells of burgers."

...................

Didn't watch the Mayweather-McGregor fight.
If I wanted to watch a black guy ravage some white cunt, I'd have just spent the night on Pornhub.

...................

"Major security flaws revealed in Parliament after terror simulation shows 100 MP's could be killed in five minutes"
Not everyone would consider that a flaw if it included Theresa
May and Jeremy Hunt

...................

I remember this guy from a couple of years ago who used to cry after sex.
I used to put my arm around him and tell him, "now remember, if the guards ask, you fell, OK"?

...................

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.

...................

I've decided not to donate any money to the victims of hurricane Harvey, I saw a Yank being interviewed on Sky News last night and the twat had three luxury yachts in his back garden

...................

I bumped into an old friend the other day.
I said "You're looking very smartly turned out, what grooming products do you use"? He replied "Facebook and Haribos"

..................

My boss called me into his office earlier.
He said, "Do you think it's acceptable to stagger into work at 11am stinking of booze?"
I said, "Yeah, go for it mate."
I'm now unemployed.

..................

A man approached me in the high street. "I've got no money ,no job and haven't eaten or washed for a week." "Could you spare a few coppers" I reached into my old,tatty guitar case and gave him a handful of the change I collected. Fucking Students!

..................

I went to see the doctor about a rash on my cock today.
He asked me to drop my pants then he examined it.
"Hmmmm, how long have you had it?" he asked.
"About 7 inches on a warm day," I replied.

..................

I always find a good wank is spoilt when I am watching a woman masturbate on Pornhub and then a man arrives with his cock out and joins in.
"Fuck off, Dad, and watch your own porn!" I said.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

My boss has this reward system that, if you are excelling at your job, ...you're expected to do everyone else's too.

..................

I'm not on the autism spectrum,have no problems concentrating, no behavioural concerns and I've been extremely successful in my education, yet my doctor reckons I've got APHD

..................

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  #1205  
Old 28-08-2017, 12:24 PM
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I used to be in a band called The Hinges.

We supported The Doors.

.....................

Marriage: The process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

.....................

Me: A nice bunch of flowers for the wife please.
Florist: Certainly, sir. Are you looking for anything particular?
Me: A blow job hopefully.

.....................

What's the difference between West Ham and Theresa May's knickers?
Nothing, they're both always hanging around the bottom of the premier.

.....................

Newsflash: A Pakistani has been found battered to death in Glasgow.
Those fucking Jocks will deep fry anything.

.....................

Professor Stephen Hawking reached seventy five in January this year.
That is one fucking awesome wheelchair.

.....................

My black neighbour was reading the runners and riders at Goodwood.
He was going on about the jockey colours, trainers, owners and course and distance winners.
Typical Leroy, Always uses the race card!

.....................

I went for a night out in Newcastle town centre and ended the night with a 6 inch gash across my face.
Those Geordie girls are proper slappers.

.....................

The two lorry drivers responsible for the M1 crash have landed on their feet, they've already had job offers from another company - ISIS

.....................

What's the difference between Alzheimer's and Parkinson's??
I'd rather have half a pint than forget where I left it.

.....................

What's the difference between an Afghani Military Base and a Pakistani Elementary School?
I don't know, I just fly the drone.

.....................

Having a beard is a lot like having a penis.
If you have one, you're definitely going to end up stroking it all the time.

....................

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  #1206  
Old 28-08-2017, 02:33 PM
miniondave miniondave is offline
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Having a beard is a lot like having a penis.
If you have one, you're definitely going to end up stroking it all the time.

That's why I've got two hands.
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  #1207  
Old 29-08-2017, 11:51 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by miniondave View Post
Having a beard is a lot like having a penis.
If you have one, you're definitely going to end up stroking it all the time.

That's why I've got two hands.
Love it.....
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  #1208  
Old 29-08-2017, 12:22 PM
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As I get older and I remember all the people Ive lost along the way
I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasnt for me after all.

....................

Do you think when a Jehovah's witness dies God pretends he's not in.

....................

My last boss was a cunt. I came into work two hours late once.
He asked, "Why are you two hours late?"
I replied, "I fell down the stairs."
He said, "That doesn't take two hours..."

.....................

My mates say I'm the worst Atheist ever.
Well, they can all burn in hell.

.....................

So a German nurse is on trial for killing 84 people.
She must be the most prolific killer in German hist... oh wait no what am I talking about.

.....................

The Bible is 100% accurate.
Especially when thrown at close range.

.....................

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  #1209  
Old 30-08-2017, 12:26 PM
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I spent all week erecting a new fence in my garden.
My neighbour commented on my Facebook page that it wasn't straight so I unfriended him.
That's the last time he comments on my posts!

....................

I grew up in a rough area. When I was a kid people used to cover me in Chocolate and cream and put a Cherry on top of my head.
Life was tough in the Gateau

....................

If these flood waters get any higher, Mexico should really think about making a start on that wall.

....................

My parents made many sacrifices for us when we were children..
They were pagans.

....................

People said I would never get over my obsession with Phil Collins music.... Just take a look at me now

....................

My wife asked me if I believed in reincarnation.
I told her no but that I did in my other life.

....................

There's a new A to Z being created for Texas.
The H to O.

....................

BREAKING NEWS: Divers searching for missing persons in Houston , have discovered Malaysian Airlines MH370 !

....................

I wonder how many of the christian right in Texas who voted for Trump remembered to build an Ark ?

....................

Dave's wife was in labour with their first child. She was shouting out, 'Get this out of me ! Give me the drugs !' Then she looked at him and said, 'You did this to me you baaaastaaaard !!!!!' He casually replied, If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, itll be too painful!

....................

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Old 31-08-2017, 08:04 PM
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After many years of trying I can finally say the name of that Welsh railway station.

"Cardiff."

................

I don't agree with Vodafone's advertising campaign.
It states, "Be part of the worlds largest mobile community"
Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but that's the fucking Gypsies!

................

I phoned my bosses mobile this morning.
"I'm on the train heading to the south coast now."
"What?" He answered, sounding a bit annoyed.
"It's 5 o' clock in the fucking morning! What are you doing on a train?"
"You tell me," I replied. "You're the one who told me to be in Brighton early this morning!"

................

What happens if you mix Islam with capitalism?
No more jokes about the profit.

................

"By the time we got back to my flat, she was dripping like a fucked fridge" said my mate about a one-night stand recently. "She must have been as desperate as you then, for a bit of action", I replied. "No" he said, "She was special needs, drunk, and double incontinent, but beggars can't be choosers!"

................

"Save the whales."
Collect the complete set.

................

Got my TV licence through today.
Framed and proudly displayed on wall as you come in front door.
Can't wait to see the wife's face when she comes home and sees me legally wearing her knickers and tights.

................

My wife has worked as a magician's assistant for years now. I think she has picked up a few tricks. I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom. She said, "Abracadabra!" and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked. Poor bastard must have wondered what the fuck was going on.

................

I was sitting in my car outside my ex-girlfriends house, when she approached me and said, "Everyday for the past week, I've noticed you sitting here, are you fucking stalking me or something?"
"Don't fucking flatter yourself," I replied, "I've been using your internet connection."

.................

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Old 01-09-2017, 05:06 PM
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I left a packet of Quorn at the supermarket checkout today.
I went back and asked the assistant, "Have you seen my vegetarian mince ? " She said, "No, but walk up and down that aisle and I'll give you my honest opinion"

...................

Glen Campbell has recently arrived in Heaven. Shortly after being checked in by Peter he is allocated an angel to be his guide, and is led into a beautiful courtyard full of happy people talking, and laughing. The angel says, "any questions?" Campbell asks, How long before we get a halo, and wings? "Fifty years for the halo, and a hundred for the wings". But that's princess Diana sitting over there. She has a lopsided halo around her neck, and she only died twenty years ago. "That's not a halo, that's the steering wheel."

...................

My next door neighbour was showing me her rape kit, pepper spray, a whistle, a torch, a disposable camera, pens, paper, her phone tracking device, and a billiard ball in a sock.
Fuck me, mine's only a balaclava and a knife.

...................

My grandson came round to visit yesterday and when my wife went to the kitchen to make a cup of tea he said, "Grandad, why does Grandma always smell of wee?"
"Well, you're six years old now so I guess that I should give you an honest explanation", I said, putting an arm around his shoulder. "Now tell me Charlie, have you ever heard of a golden shower?"

...................

What's the difference between your girlfriend and a prostitute ??
Ones contract the others pay as you go !

...................

I used to be in a band called A/C Unit.
We were pretty cool.

...................

Single?
Don't worry, there is a man, or five cats out there still waiting for you.

...................

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Old 02-09-2017, 07:14 PM
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"Can you read that car's number plate from here?" asked my instructor. "YYYEEESSSSSSS!" I replied, "Now can you please open the parachute!"

....................

So much has changed since my girlfriend told me were having a baby.
My name, address and telephone number!

....................

I hate it when people speak to you as if you're a thicko or something.
Only yesterday I was in the shop buying my first ever telescope when the salesman said, "whatever you do, don't look at the sun through it."
As if I am going to try and read a fucking newspaper through a one and a half thousand zoom lens.

Anyway the skies are blue and I'm just going to get a closer look at that big old yellow planet shining brightly in the sky!

....................

Not the first time Wayne Rooney's been caught inside an old banger after a few drinks.

....................

I don't want to panic anyone, but I'm posting this from Intensive Care. Apparently the Dyson Ball Cleaner isn't meant to be used for what I thought.

....................

Chelsea have signed Danny Drinkwater.
Everton have got Wayne Drinkdriver.

....................

I took my grandma to a fish spa centre where the little fish eat your dead skin for only 50.
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

....................

I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night.
It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.

....................

ARSENAL: See what six points look like by having a look at Wayne Rooney's driving license.

.....................

Keep seperate.
No Coloureds
Whites Only.
Washing instructions for a KKK cloak and hood.

.....................

I asked for a back, crack and sack wax.
Should have gone for lavender.
These candles smell disgusting.

......................

My teenage daughter must have terrible luck with other drivers.
That's twice this month I've overheard her saying she really got her rear-end smashed in by an Escort.

......................

As me and the wife headed off on a romantic holiday we talked about what kinky things we'd like to do to each other.
She said, "I've always wanted to be handcuffed."
So I planted a kilo of coke in her suitcase.

......................

Jimmy Savile wasn't all that bad. He had a profound and lasting impact on the music industry.
Backstage on top of the pops, it was Savile that brought cream to the small faces.

......................

My dad always used to leave everything until the last minute.
Great father, terrible bomb disposal technician.

......................

I went for a job interview the other day. One of the questions I was asked was "what is your motto?"
"Whatever you do, never quit" I replied.
Today I received a letter. "Dear Sir, unfortunately your application for the position of manager of the Stop Smoking campaign was unsuccessful."

......................

When you see a deaf couple holding hands, maybe it's not romantic.
Maybe they just want each other to shut up.

......................

Christianity is like a library: you have to keep your mouth shut and there's always people being inappropriate in the kid's section.

......................

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Old 03-09-2017, 12:15 PM
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There's a bloke on here called Buster, who keeps sending me loads & loads of videos of the 1970's group, The Sweet.
Does anyone know a Way?
There's got to be a Way,
To Block Buster.

...................

News: 98-year-old woman marries 94-year-old man in New York.
If you would like to get them a gift Hurry.

...................

People reckon I'm too patronising (that means I treat them as if they're stupid).

...................

Had sex with my new girlfriend for the first time last night.
She said after "that was like sleeping with Nicholas Cage"
"Was I like a Hollywood hunk?" I beamed.
"No" she said..." you were Gone in Sixty Seconds"

...................

Me and the missus were lying in bed last night, face to face.
I looked into her eyes and said "Looking at your face reminds me of the lottery"
She replied "Oh, does that make you think I'm worth millions"?
I said "No, it makes me want to roll over"

...................

My missus's fanny reminds me of a jumper I once got from my Gran on my birthday. Three sizes too big and made me itch.

...................

I noticed a sign on the bookies window.
It said 'Open on Sunday 11-2.'
I'll have a few quid on that - it was open last Sunday !!!

...................

I was at the pub and lost an arm wrestling contest, and all my mates started taking the piss out of me. "What?" I asked, "People in wheelchairs often compensate for their disability by developing very strong arms." "True," said Dave, "But I don't think that Stephen Hawking falls in this category."

...................

I'll tell you how lazy I am I don't even listen to music just in case I'm moved by it.

...................

A poll showed 87% of women like to yell out instructions during sex.
And 79% shout instructions while men are driving.
Apparently, in both cases, it's, "Slow down! You're going the wrong fucking way!"

...................

My wife has gone away for the week, so I decided I was going to sample a different steak every night for tea. Last night I had Rib-eye...
Tonight I had toast, 'cause I couldn't be arsed to clean the frying pan.

...................

I've started to wear a balaclava when I go to bed.
That way, if there's ever a break in, the burglars will think I'm part of the team.

...................

I've got an Emo pet whale.
Mopey Dick.

...................

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Old 04-09-2017, 07:00 PM
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I was stood outside the school dropping my son off earlier when a mother started crying beside me.

"Are you OK?" I asked.

"It's my daughters first day," she said."I'm just worried that she won't fit in because of her weight."

"Well the doors are a little narrow," I replied.

.................

BREAKING NEWS : Apple have abandoned plans to build cruise liners after their prototype "The iTanic" kept syncing whenever it docked.

..................

I wonder if Serena Williams will name her daughter Tennisy

..................

I wrote a book called 'My permanently exposed penis'.
It's out now.

...................

Camilla Parker Bowles has released a statement to say how delighted she is at the news of another Royal baby.
And that's straight from the horses mouth.

....................

News: "Hunger Games" theme park to open in South Korea.
It's called North Korea.

....................

I have a condition that makes me eat when I cant sleep.
Its called insom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nia.

....................

A pal was telling me that he uses a dominatrix who clamps a battery charger to his nut sack.
I just had to ask "How much does she charge?"

....................

I got myself a penis extension the other day.
Now my house looks ridiculous.

....................

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Old 05-09-2017, 12:38 PM
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After waiting ages for a reply, I've finally got a letter from the Royal Mail confirming my job application has been successful.
I start last Monday.

..................

Have you ever noticed the irony behind 'hyphenated' and 'non-hyphenated' ???

..................

The lady next door ran over my cat.
She said she'd replace it, so I asked her how good she was at catching mice.

..................

Since the success of The Rock, fans suggest more wrestlers should participate in acting.
They are. It's called wrestling.

..................

I recently lost my wife. Some card game that was!

..................

Insomnia is awful.
But on the plus side only three more sleeps till Christmas.

..................

What's got 4 wheels, weighs a ton, only goes 5kmh, but you will never beat it?
A mobility scooter at an all you can eat buffet.

...................

What's the difference between a pound and a kilogram?
I can't kilogram your wife's arse.

...................

Same shit, different day.
Probably should change my undies...

...................

"Daddy, when will mummy be home?" My four year old asked, "I don't like it when there's just us two in the house."
"I don't know," I replied, "Now stop ringing me when I'm in the pub and go and see why your little sister's crying."

...................

I thought Benefits Street was a budget box of chocolates that you could buy at Lidl

...................

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Old 06-09-2017, 04:06 PM
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North Korea's leader needs to explain why his barber is still alive.

....................

It's good to see the weather is still British, even if the population isn't.

....................

Prince Harry is said to be quietly upset that he's now going to be one further removed from the throne...
He should really be worried that he's only a DNA test away from being cut out all together !

.....................

The Daily Mail has a special pullout for the royal baby.
A royal pullout would've saved us all a fucking fortune.

.....................

Don't use Superdrug: It's shit, I couldn't even score an eighth.

.....................

I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night.
The ungrateful bitch spat it out.

.....................

GENTS: Satisfy the most demanding of sado masochistic girlfriends by using crunchy nut peanut butter instead of KY jelly.

.....................

The X Factor: The Special Olympics of music.

.....................

I fell out with my mate because I shagged his ex girlfriend.
I thought he would have been over her by now.
She's been dead for three years.

.....................

Was reading that Big Ben is to go four years without it's " Bong ".
I'd be lucky to last a week.

.....................

After sex last night my new girlfriend snuggled up to me and said, 'You know, youre easily the biggest Ive ever had.'
Apparently, 'Ditto' wasnt the correct response.

.....................

Liam Neeson struggles with being unappreciated after saving his family several times......
Taken 4 : Granted.

.....................

Under a bridge, harrassing goats...
That's how I troll.

.....................

I was heating my dinner the other night and nipped out while it was cooking. When I returned half an hour later it had disappeared. Fucking McCann Oven Chips.

.....................

Funny how names match up in the footy world.
Arsene at Arsenal
Klopp at the Kop
Kuntze at Man Utd

.....................

A guy from Louth has been convicted of performing an act of sexual penetration with a Staffordshire Bull Terrier.
I can sympathise with him. I've seen a picture of his girlfriend, it's an easy mistake to make.

.....................

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Old 07-09-2017, 12:51 PM
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My wife's fanny smells like roses.
But Rose's fanny is tighter.

..................

Facebook is a bit like checking your underwear after a fart, most likely there's nothing new, and if there is, it's probably shit.

..................

Time to rename the Virgin Islands.
They are about to get fucked!

..................

The mother in law has got a massive case of diarrhea.
She wont find out until she gets home, and unpacks her luggage.

..................

My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding. She got mad and said shes never playing Scrabble with me again.

..................

So there are 73 terrorists sitting together in paradise.
One finally speaks up.
"Well this is awkward"

..................

If you like listening to music while having sex, choose a live album.
That way, you get applause every 3 to 4 minutes.

..................

"What did your Christ ever do for you? " Asked my devout Muslim pal.
"Well, he saved my bacon, " I replied.

..................

Inspired by Back to the Future I decided to try time travel by driving at 88mph. Unfortunately I didn't go back in time, but the fucker I hit went into the middle of next week.

..................

Royal Doulton is commemorating the court case win Kate Middleton has had with French magazine 'Closure' for stopping them publish pictures of her topless, by unveiling two small jugs

..................

Samurai on the Toilet.
A film by Takeshi Kitano.
(>_<)
(o_o)
(0_0)
(^_^)
The End.

...................

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flushes.
Male menopause - you get to date young girls and ride motorcycles.

...................

My wife walked in on an argument between our son and I.
When he ran out of the room crying, I turned to the wife and said, "I wish I'd used a condom now."
Horrified, she said, "What? You wish our son had never been born?"
"No," I replied. "I've got his girlfriend pregnant."

...................

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Old 08-09-2017, 12:29 PM
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All my friends keep saying that my new girlfriend is imaginary...
Joke's on them, so are they!

...................

My sex doll & I have been together for exactly a year today.
To celebrate our anniversary, I decided to get her a book.
Sex tips for Dummies.

...................

Whilst having sex I suddenly stopped & didn't move.
Girlfriend said 'What are you doing?"
I said I've seen this online it's called buffering.

...................

If you had a choice between buying FIFA18 and taking your girlfriend out to dinner.
What club would you start your career with?

...................

The Magnificent Seven appeared in a series of adverts for an aftershave.
It was filmed at Liverpool's Anfield football ground.
Only six of them took part, because Yul never wore cologne.

...................

"It's times like these I wish we lived abroad," I said to my wife, staring out of the front window.
"Yeah, the weathers shit isn't it?" She replied.
"Not the weather," I said. "Your mother's coming up the fucking drive."

...................

I sent my ex wife a picture of my flaccid penis.
Just to let her know I was thinking of her.

...................

Dating is a lot like fishing.
Sure theres plenty of fish in the sea.
But until I catch one, Im just stuck here holding my rod.

...................

If Scotland gets independence will the Duke of Edinburgh become...
"The Prince formally known as"

...................

"I made a new discovery at work today," I said to my wife with a chuckle. "You've worked at Land Rover for a week, and that joke's already wearing thin," she groaned.

....................

Following the devastating damage caused by Hurricane Irma, Rhyl has applied to be twinned with Barbuda.

....................

I feel sorry for all the Brians in the world.
If there is an outbreak of dyslexic zombies they'll be in real trouble.

....................

I've recently passed my test, and have discovered that driving is a lot like wanking: The faster you go the better it feels, and your girlfriend will never be able to do it as well as you can.

....................

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Old 09-09-2017, 04:04 PM
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The guy to convince the first blind man he needed sunglasses must have been one hell of a salesman.

....................

My goal in life is to piss off at least one person a day.
So far I am 3 years 9 months and 27 days ahead of schedule.

....................

I thought that a loaf of bread was calling me names in the supermarket earlier.. On closer inspection it read "thick cut"

....................

I went to my next door neighbours BBQ today.
Did you bring any beer? He asked.
No, I replied, I was chilling out indoors and I couldnt be bothered to walk to the shop.
You must be the laziest bastard in the world, He said.
Yeah, the taxi driver just told me the same thing.

...................

The inventor of the USB stick has died.

Thanks for the memory.

...................

I sat down next to a woman on her own at the bar last night.
"My wife doesn't understand me" , I said.
Unfortunately she was Polish, and didn't understand me either.

...................

Do you know what separates the men from the boys ?
Operation Yewtree.

...................

Came home to find my missus stood in the hall wearing riding boots and holding a whip.
"Oh great," I thought. "Where the fuck are we going to keep a horse?"

...................

People often comment that my wife is a double of the actress Emma Stone. Emma weighs 9 stone, whilst my wife weighs 18 stone.

...................

WARNING: People of Miami, if your fifth-floor apartment window is hit by a Dolphin... Do not go outside to see if it's OK.

...................

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Old 10-09-2017, 01:02 PM
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"How's the diet going?" I asked my mate.
"Not good" he sighed, "I had eggs for breakfast this morning."
"Oh dear", "Fried?"
"No Cadbury's."

.....................

My girlfriend dumped me because of my obsession with plants.
I asked "where's this stemming from petal?"

.....................

My mother-in-law was very pleasantly surprised by the shepherd's pie I made for her.
"This is brilliant," she said, "But tell me, what kind of meat did you use?"
"Dunno," I replied, "But there was a cat on the tin."

.....................

I walked into a corner shop in Liverpool and picked up a chocolate bar.
I asked, "how much is this love?"
She said, "you're not from around here are you?"

.....................

My parents spanked me as a child. I now suffer from a psychological condition known as ... "Respect for others"

.....................

"I'm sorry," said the barman, "we don't serve time travelers."
A time traveler walks into a bar.

.....................

After my Xfactor audition, everyone said how much I'd touched them. Should've known they couldn't keep their fucking mouths shut.

......................

My shrink said that time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him.
Now we wait...

......................

I was going to give a lecture about Catholic birth control methods today....... ...but I had to pull out at the last minute.

......................

William has bought Kate a bird bath to relax her during her pregnancy.
He's seen two small tits already.

.......................

I have never worked out the moral to Humpty Dumpty.
Is it, Dont let horses perform medical procedures ?.

.......................

40 years ago, Rupert Murdoch said, 'Topless Women Sell Newspapers.'
Now I've been in loads of paper shops and it's usually some Blooming Asian.

.......................

The best way to smuggle drugs is to place them up a dog's arse.
That way, if the sniffer dog suspects anything, the officials will think they're just being frisky.

........................

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Old 11-09-2017, 12:39 PM
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Two Irish blokes are out hunting in the woods when Paddy says,"I'm dying for a shit,but I haven't got anything to wipe my arse with." Mick says,"Have you got a fiver Paddy?" "Yes," says Paddy."Well use that," replies Mick.So Paddy goes off for 5 minutes and comes back with shit all over his hands and clothes.Mick says,"What the fuck happened to you?" Paddy looks at him and replies,"Have you ever tried to wipe your arse with four pound coins and two 50 pence pieces?"

.....................

I went to the Jobcentre yesterday to see if they had anything for me.
The advisor said, "There's a position in Data Entry available."
I replied, "Sorry, but I can't use a computer."
She said, "You can't use a computer? In this day and age? Do you have learning difficulties?"
I replied, "No, it's one of my bail conditions."

.....................

There's been a lot of debate in the news recently about how to tackle the growing problem of children being attacked by 'fighting dogs' such as Bull Terriers, which are often owned by Chavs who use them as weapons and status symbols. I think the only reasonable solution is to have the lot of them rounded up and humanely destroyed. And their dogs re-homed.

.....................

I see KFC have reintroduced the commemorative 9/11 meal deal for one day only. You get 4 hot wings, 2 flaming towers and a Big Apple crumble!!

.....................

When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.

.....................

Apparently it's Suicide Awareness Week.
Wasn't sure what that entails, so I've just been looking up when walking past tall buildings.

....................

A report in Psychology Today magazine says that happy people talk a lot more than unhappy people.
And they also report on what would make unhappy people happy.
If happy people would just shut the fuck up.

....................

Germany have expressed their sympathies to the Florida victims.
They remember well the damage hurricanes did to them during WW2.

....................

I remember when Jimmy Savile visited my school sports day.
I was first in the egg and spoon race, and Savile came in a little behind.

....................

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Old 12-09-2017, 02:17 PM
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When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.

..................

I had a dream last night that I was getting a blowjob from the blonde one from ABBA. I only woke up because his beard was tickling my balls.

..................

Just thinking they might want to change the names of Hurricanes.
Harvey, Irma and Jose aren't very scary.
Name them Deathdealer 9000, Nukatron and Ex-Wives Rage and everyone would evacuate without hesitation!

..................

On the label it says "Please drink responsibly."
Well, I've got my seat belt on..

..................

After we had sex, she walked funny for a week.
That's how hard she was laughing.

..................

Pussy is like the weather; when it gets wet its time to go inside.

...................

An Englishman, Welshman and West Indian are in hospital, waiting for their wives to give birth. There is quite a bit of pacing up and down when the nurse comes out and happily announces that they are all fathers of bouncing baby boys.

"There's just one problem" she says. "Because they were all born at the same time we got the tags mixed up and we dont know which baby belongs to whom. Would you, as their fathers, mind coming to identify them?" The men agree and walk into the delivery room and look at the babies.

Immediately the Englishman stoops down and picks up the black baby. "Yes, this is definietly my baby" he says confidently.
"Um, excuse me" says the West Indian "but I think it's fairly obvious that this is my son"
The Englishman pulls him aside and says "I see where you're coming from mate but one of these babies is Welsh and I'm not prepared to take the risk"

.................

My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!"
I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.

.................

Today a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance.
Long story short, my girlfriend said no.

................

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Old 14-09-2017, 06:07 PM
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I need a minutes silence as my best joke page has died, hence no jokes yesterday. Without it there is very little new or interesting stuff out there, so here's what I can find.........

Words cannot describe how beautiful you are.
But numbers can, 6/10

....................

How many tenors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they can't reach that high.

....................

Here's one for FT....

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

1 because they work efficiently and they're not very funny.

.....................

Just read a book entitled 'The French Army During World War II, 1939 to 1945'. For those not familiar with the 24 Hour clock, that's twenty one minutes to eight until a quarter to eight at night.

......................

A vegetarian looked at my burger and said, "you know, a cow died so you could have that burger."
Mid-bite, I looked at his salad and responded,"maybe he died because you keep eating all it's fucking food!"

......................

I jumped into a taxi with my date last night. I said to her, "What would you say to a blow job when we get back to my place?" She said, "You seem like a nice guy and I've had a good time... so why not? Okay!" "Great!" I replied, reaching over to the taxi driver. "Is that okay with you mate? I'm broke."

......................

American scientists have managed to revive a caveman who was frozen for thousands of years. Communications so far have consisted of monosyllabic grunts, but the caveman is confident he can teach them some words.

......................

An Irishman, Aussie and a Scouser are in a bar and spot Jesus drinking on his own. They each send him a drink over and he sips each one slowly. When he's finished he walks over to the Irishman and shakes his hand and thanks him for the Guinness. "Fuck me, my arthritis has gone!" Jesus then thanks the Aussie for the Fosters. "Fucking hell mate, my bad back's cured!" Jesus approaches the Scouser who runs away screaming, "Fuck off, you cunt - I'm on disability benefit."

.......................

My wife thinks that she's "giving in" and that she's "let me win" if we have sex. That's okay though, I'm winning 6-0 against her sister. And the first one was a header.

.......................

You can't spell "Advertisements" without "semen" between the "tits"

.......................

If some puts up Christmas decorations before October 31st, You are allowed to kill them and use their corpse for Halloween decorations ..

.......................

Well it's that time of the month again where my wife's mood changes.
I've just been paid so the bitch is all happy and friendly for a fucking change.

.......................

I thought my girlfriend told me Im her 32nd lover.
Turns out what she meant was Im her 30 second lover.

.......................

On holiday here in Japan and they're all mad on Newcastle United.
Hundreds are running past me shouting Tsunami, Tsunami.

.......................

Money doesn't buy you happiness they say, but it does buy you drugs, cars, prostitutes alcohol and loads of other cool stuff, so it's pretty damn close ..

.......................

News Headlines: Emile Heskey's family missing in Barbuda for over a week. That's fuck all he was missing most of his career.

........................

I urgently need a colonoscopy, but there's a 6-month waiting list on the NHS.
As I can't afford to go private, there's only one thing for it.
I'm going to grow a beard and take a copy of the Koran through airport security.

........................

Last night my wife found me in the pub, threw a pint over my head, and called me a 'fucking cock'.
Every year she has to go and ruin our wedding anniversary.

.........................

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Old 15-09-2017, 02:01 PM
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Have YOU had to walk 500 miles?
Were you advised to walk 500 more?
You could be entitled to compensation.
Call the Pro Claimers now!

......................

I want to stop smoking so my mate said to me, "try the E things"
It's not worked, I'm still smoking but now I can't stop dancing.

......................

Do you know what rhymes with Friday?
Alcohol

......................

How do you milk sheep?

Bring out a new iPhone and charge 1000 for it.

......................

If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it's considered responsible. But if you do that with your girlfriend, it's called "cheating."

......................

A transvestite from Greater Manchester walked into a bar.
He had a Wigan address.

......................

Police say that the bomb on the tube luckily didn't kill anyone as it was a badly made, cheap knock-off. Which is pretty typical of most things you'd find in a Lidl bag.

......................

What starts with an 'S' and ends in 'ex' and gives Muslims a hard on?
Semtex

......................

I've had THE most terrible day !!!
First my ex got hit by a bus.....
Then, I lost my job as a bus driver !!!

......................

"Man left unable to get erection after being scratched by a cat in his home" How about that, one bad experience with a pussy, and he's shit scared of all of them.

......................

I've just released my own fragrance.
But nobody on this bus seems to like it.

......................

If life gives you melons, Then you're probably dyslexic.

......................

PLEASE JUST CALM THE FUCKK DOWN?
It was only an innocent 'Asian' carting a dodgy fridge around on a tube train that just happened to be covered in the wrong kind of cladding.

......................

I'm teaching my eldest daughter to drive, when I said "Depress the clutch pedal"
She looked down and said "The brake pedal hates your guts and the accelerator pedal is much better looking"

......................

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Old 16-09-2017, 06:28 PM
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We call our grandad "Spiderman".
He hasn't got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.

....................

I think I banged a Chinese celebrity.
She kept screaming "I'm Wei Tu Yung."
Like I was supposed to know the name.

....................

The bomb was so bad not even ISIS want to take responsibility ..

....................

The teacher asks a pretty female student: "Name three plays by Shakespeare."
"4 inches, 8 inches and 12 inches."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Much Ado About Nothing, As You Like It and A Midsummer Night's Dream."

....................

After the recent bombing attempt at the Parsons Green tube station, security chiefs are fearing a copycat attack by Aldi Qaeda.

....................

I have just burned myself cooking dinner.
I am waiting for ISIS to claim responsibility.

....................

Due to the partial failure of the non- suicidal attack at Parsons Green tube station yesterday, ISIS are now resorting to more drastic ways to maim and kill innocent people.
They're now recruiting Polish HGV drivers.

....................

My wife bought me a Fitbit to count steps.
I said, Theres still five of them, but H is looking a bit peaky.

....................

I used to date an opera singer, but it didn't work out.
She was all mi, mi, mi.

....................

The foreman on a large worksite noticed a new labourer one day and barked at him "what's your name?" "John", the new bloke replied. The Forman scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of wishy-washy worksite you were on before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It's weak and wastes time. I call my employees by their last name only -Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. If I want a job done, I yell, Baker, get this or Jones, do that! Now that we have that straight, what's your last name?" The new bloke sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling." The foreman paused briefly for a couple of seconds, then said quietly, "Ok John, the first thing I want you to do is.....

.....................

Have you ever met someone for the first time, and immediately had an overwhelming desire to buy them a toaster for their bathtub?

.....................

"Most dangerous sex positions revealed, according to doctors"
When her Royal Marine husband sneaks into the bedroom to surprise her, having returned from Afghanistan a day early, and finds you on top.

.....................

I went back in history and changed world war II so the cookie monster killed Hitler by battering him to death with a 14 inch dildo.
I love editing Wikipedia pages.

.....................

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Old 17-09-2017, 12:37 PM
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When spider man shoots a sticky substance all over someone from the roof, he's 'amazing' But when I do it, I'm 'a pervert'.

....................

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."

....................

The Police knocked on my door yesterday and asked me to take down my Islamic State flag.
Turned out I had black tablecloth hung out on the line and a bird had shit on it!

.....................

The Goal: Reduce UK binge drinking by half.
The Plan: Scottish independence.

.....................

Just bought a copy of What Car? Magazine.
It turns out. It's not full of photos of people whove just been run over.

.....................

First rule of Vegan club.
Tell fucking everyone about Vegan club.

.....................

My mate asked me, "Whats the difference between an egg and a wank?"
"That's an old one, you can beat an egg, " I replied.
"No," he answered, "you don't get put on the sex offenders register for having an egg in public."

.....................

Scientists say, that one day, it may be possible to live on Mars.
What a load of rubbish.
I tried it for a month, gained nearly 3 stones in weight and developed, type 2 diabetes.

......................

Give a Nigerian a fish he'll eat for a day.
Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince and start e-mailing
people.

......................

My mate John just got himself arrested in China.
He said all he did was go down on 'one knee'.
But Wun Nii told the headmaster and now John has also lost his job !

......................

If a Muslim man is successful and provides for his family....
What is he said to be bringing home?

......................

A bloke comes home from work and finds his wife all dressed up and looking gorgeous. She greets him with "Hello Darling, have you ever seen five pounds crumpled up"? He replies "No, why"? So she undoes three buttons of a see through blouse, gives him a sexy wink and pulls out a crumpled fiver from her ample cleavage, he looks on, now very interested. She then says "Darling, have you ever seen twenty pounds crumpled up"? He gasps and says "No" This time she gives him a sexy pout, lifts up her skirt and pulls out a crumpled twenty from a pair of sheer black panties. By now sweat is appearing on the husband's forehead, when his wife says "Darling, have you ever seen twenty five thousand pounds crumpled up"? The husband, who is now shaking with anticipation says " No, Darling ,never". So she holds him tight, looks him straight in the eye and says.............................................. ..................................
"Well go take a look in the garage"

.......................

Summer of 69?...bit boastie if you ask me... I was lucky if I got a hand job during the holidays!

.......................

What's the difference between recent Crystal Palace managers and Joseph Stalin's henchmen?
Stalin's henchmen only wasted 40 million.

.......................

I just got an email from TripAdvisor entitled: Syrian migrant crisis, what will you do to help?
So I immediately logged in and gave Syria a great review.
Maybe that way they'll all fuck off back.

.......................

I'm become vegetarian because i now only consume things made from plants.
Tobacco Weed Beer & Whisky

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My favourite sex position is the JFK...
I splatter all over her.

.......................

guns don`t kill people ... politicians do

.......................

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  #1227  
Old 18-09-2017, 12:29 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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Dear Monday, I want to break up.
I'm seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday.
It's not me, it's you.

....................

I've just had a near-sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.

....................

And for our next band, would you please welcome the bailiffs.
Take it away boys.

.....................

News: U2 cancels St. Louis concert after white policeman acquitted of killing black man.
Finally, some mercy for that city.

......................

"Hi I'm Alex,i thought i was Irish Caribbean today i found out I'm a Viking".
Ancestry DNA have well ripped you off .
Take a look in the mirror, you're Pakistani.

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I was sat watching TV last night,switching between a fishing program and a porn channel.
The missus came and said "For God's sake, keep it on the porn channel, you already know how to fish"

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My son and I were having a kickabout at the park.
I accidentally tripped him and he fell to the ground clutching his knee, crying and wailing like a little girl.
Anyway, a Liverpool scout saw the whole thing and signed him on the spot.

........................

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

..........................

Guys, want to find out all of your flaws in under a minute?
Just ask your girlfriend if she's gained weight.

..........................

"How Welsh devolution has evolved over two decades"
I wouldn't have thought they'd have noticed, unless Charles Darwin got it wrong.

..........................

"Georgia Tech police shoot LGBTQ student dead"
This is part of the new police diversity program; next month they'll be shooting a white lesbian and someone in a wheelchair.

..........................

My new French girlfriend hates it when I pull her hair during sex.
She says it makes her armpits sore for days.

..........................

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  #1228  
Old 19-09-2017, 10:04 AM
vienna vienna is offline
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I loved your jokes, especially the French girl one Hope it isn't true though.
Everytime I'm bored at work I just read jokes, so I'm making this my bookmark and I'll click it probably every two hours.
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  #1229  
Old 19-09-2017, 12:37 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vienna View Post
I loved your jokes, especially the French girl one Hope it isn't true though.
Everytime I'm bored at work I just read jokes, so I'm making this my bookmark and I'll click it probably every two hours.
Glad you like them, though I am usually only on once a day... Time depending on what's going on......
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Old 19-09-2017, 01:07 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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Posts: 7,612
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I was on the train today when the inspector asked to see my ticket. He said, "This is yesterday's ticket."
I replied, "Yes I know it's yesterday's ticket, that's when I got on this fucking train."

.......................

For a film entitled "What Women Want" I was expecting it to be a hell of a lot longer than 2 hours.

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I'm so convinced about reincarnation I'm writing my will to myself!

.......................

What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?
Icy dead people.

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For a laugh i shoved my girlfriends brother into the swimming pool when i was round her house.. They took it really badly, said i was disgusting and none of them want anything to do with me again, bit of a strong reaction.. maybe they didn't want the wheelchair to rust.

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My wife and I went to see a psychiatrist. "What can I do for you?" He asked. "Our son has got an imaginary friend," said my wife. "There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child to develop, and this is very common and nothing to worry about at all." Said the psychiatrist. "We haven't got a son." I replied.

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I own a chain of sporting stores in the Middle East.
Last year we sold 100,000 ski masks but not a single pair of skis.

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I don't like the term 'Anal Bleaching'.
I prefer to call it 'changing my ringtone'.

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When moths die do they hear a voice telling them to fly towards the light?

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The missus said to me, "You know how my mother has bad dementia, well I'm going out to get an informative DVD on the subject, so I will be able to cope with her"
The silly cow came back with "La La Land."

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I'm a second hand vegetarian.
Cows eat grass.
I eat cows.

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Vince Cable believes Donald Trump's state visit should be cancelled because his racism might embarrass the Queen.
For fuck's sake, she's married to the Duke of Edinburgh!

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My dad always advised me "If you choose something to do that you love, you'll never work a day in your life."
And the bone-idle cunt certainly loves collecting those benefit cheques.

.........................

How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Not sure, first they have to figure out which way to spin it.

.........................

Just bought a new GoPro and thought I'd sneakily set it up in the bedroom to take a picture every 30 seconds while the missus and I were going for it. Missed the whole fucking thing!

.........................

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