100% Biker & Trike Magazine Forums

Go Back   100% Biker & Trike Magazine Forums > 100% Biker > Down The Pub

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1171  
Old 26-07-2017, 12:22 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,766
Default

My boss yelled and said "You've been late 5 times this week do you know what that means?"
Apparently "It's Friday" wasn't the correct answer

...................

For those who list their occupation as full time mummy on Facebook stop sending me candy crush requests and do some fucking parenting.

...................

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me either."

"Fucking great," I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

...................

A Sailor met a good looking blonde at the bar and was trying to get laid without much success.

"I don't date servicemen," she said, "but I am curious as to why you sailors have those two rows of buttons on your pants."

"Why, that's because we have two 'members'," the sailor replied.

"Interesting, probably twice as much fun," replied the blonde, "let's go to my place and try them out."

So they did, and after the first time the blonde says "Boy that was sure nice, now that I'm rested and still in the mood, I want the other one."

Whereupon the sailor undid the other side of buttons, pulled out a tired, weary one, looked at it and sadly declared - "Well, I'll be dammmnnned! He's pouting because he wasn't FIRST!"

..................

I'm emotionally constipated.
I haven't given a shit in days.

..................

I have OCDC, it's like OCD, but it fucking rocks!

..................

What"s the difference between the McCanns and Gary Glitter?
Gary Glitter comes back from his holidays with more kids than he left with.

..................

I wear a stethoscope everywhere, so that in a medical emergency, I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

...................

DUNKIRK - looks like every time we Brits try and leave Europe, it's a shambles!!

...................

I met a transvestite from the Greater Manchester area in the pub last night. He had a Wigan address.

...................

I asked my best mate if it was wrong to lick the fanny of an elderly lady who's been giving me the come on.
He said it's a bit of a grey area.

...................

Just seen the news that Police are holding three men over a fire in London. That seems harsh, i wonder what they did?

...................

I said to my colleague today "can you smell burning?" he turned to me with a pained grimace look on his face.
Well 23 years we've worked together in that crematorium.

...................

"Have you ever thought about children"? asked my girlfriend.
Apparently, "Only whilst wanking" is an inappropriate answer!

...................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1172  
Old 27-07-2017, 05:12 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,766
Default

I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.

...............

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

...............

Scientists have built an AI computer that can beat any human chess player in the world.
Well, I switched the cunt off at the wall.
1-0 to me I think.

...............

It's the London to Brighton Cycle Race September 17th 2017.
Suppose that means there will be more lycra clad men hobbling around Brighton with sore arses than usual

...............

Head of lettuce.
Sounds like a boring job.

...............

I auditioned for MasterChef and they asked me to do a rabbit 3 ways.
I failed. I'm not sure which upset them most, the missionary, oral or anal.

...............

I got badly drunk at the office party and spent the night with a girl from accounts. Apprehensive about going home I asked my neighbour to pop round and find out how angry my wife was. Ten minutes later he phoned back. "She's barely speaking except to scream what a cunt you are," he said. "She's got a face like thunder, there's broken crockery everywhere and you can cut the atmosphere with a knife." I sighed with relief and thought "great, everything's normal."

................

I'm writing a book based on extensive research into global internet Porn habits.
I'm calling it "What's the World Coming To ?"

................

I took a bird back to my house for sex last night.
Twenty seconds into it, my cock went floppy.
She looked at me and said, "You can do better than this, surely?"
"Of course I can," I said, "But you shouldn't put yourself down like that."

...............

Why did the Mexican take Xanax ?
For Hispanic attacks.

...............

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish and he will be calling sick into work a lot.

...............

I'm selling a limited edition bottle of Tippex.
It's a corrector's item.

...............

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1173  
Old 28-07-2017, 01:08 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,766
Default

BREAKING NEWS: Reports coming in that Spurs have bid £50m + Sissoko for Ross Barkley.
Everton are holding out for just the £50m!

................

I was sitting on a bus behind a mother and her young son.
Her boy kept looking around and pulling funny faces at me.
After a few minutes, I tired of his antics, so I said, "When I was young, my mother told me that if I made an ugly face and the wind changed, I'd stay that way."
The little shit replied, "Well, you can't say you weren't fucking warned."

................

University students, now that you have your exam results remember
1.you tried your best
2. I don't like pickles on my big mac.

.................

I visited this Latino porn site, but all the girls on it had big hairy bushes. Should've gone to Spicshavers.

.................

I think my loan shark must fancy a game of cricket.
He's walking down my drive holding a bat.

.................

I offended somebody at the gym today when I commented that they looked like Mr T..
I thought it was a compliment, but, she didn't look happy...

.................

They were called jumpolines till your mum got on one.

.................

What do you call a Indian with pink hair?
Gandhi Floss.

.................

Rowntrees have announced a new chocolate assortment.
It contains a 50/50 mix of white and dark chocolates...
Equality street.

.................

The wife bought a hammock for the garden.
She's just got twenty minutes of resistance training trying to get out of it.

.................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1174  
Old 29-07-2017, 12:18 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,766
Default

During plane flights, I get really bad earache!
This year, I've found a solution that'll help.
I've booked my wife's seat ten rows back.

..................

When I told my girlfriend I had been screwing her sister you could hear a pin drop.
Then I saw the grenade in her hand!

..................

I was fixing up my mate's car, and he asked me to put a spoiler on the back of it.
So I carved into the boot - 'Bruce Willis is a ghost in The Sixth Sense'.

.................

I drank a pint of tipp-ex last night And woke up this morning with a massive correction.

..................

My new girlfriend told me she's an atheist.
I was like, "O M .."

..................

News: WebMD sold for $2.8 billion.
The owner said he's tired, but WebMD says it could be chronic fatigue, poor diet or stress.

...................

"I named my daughter Nevaeh" said a woman at the park, "it's Heaven backwards - I love it.
What's your daughter called?"
"Lana" I replied.

...................

I've just noticed that Jesus is on Twitter.
Mind you he’s only got 12 followers.

...................

Update the force Luke.
Adobe Wan Kenobi.

...................

"I can't take it anymore!" He shouted.
So I pushed the poor bloke under a lorry to end his pain.
What a sad day.
I only went to the recycling centre to get rid of some asbestos.

....................

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.

....................

My wife said I care more about my fantasy football team than I do my own children, in my defence I have...
Kompany, Cahill, Bailly and Luiz....

....................

Dr Dre announces first album for 15 years.
15 year for a follow up. He may be a real Doctor after all?

....................

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

....................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1175  
Old 30-07-2017, 01:17 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,766
Default

I just bought a vintage Rolls Royce, but the budget didn't cover a driver.
So I spent all that money, and I've got nothing to chauffeur it.

...................

Due to the forthcoming ban on all petrol engines in favour of electric ones, it has been announced that the 2040 Formula one season will be sponsored by scalextric!

...................

The voice behind Postman Pat has sadly died. As a fitting tribute to the most famous postman, the coffin will be temporarily lost and the funeral will be two weeks late!

...................

My wife was sitting on the sofa last night reading a book called, “100 ways to please your man.”
I said, “Don’t bother reading any of that nonsense, you only need to do two things for me and I’ll be the happiest man ever.
She smiled and said, “Aww, what’s that then?”
I said, “Pack your bags and fuck off.”

...................

I'm in the shit again at home, the wife's not talking to me.
Be fair, has any man ever won a game of 'notice anything different about me?'

...................

I walked into the pub and shouted, "All Muslims are cunts!"
A bloke stood up and said, "I'm very offended by that."
"Why," I asked, "are you a Muslim?"
"No," he replied, "I'm a cunt."

....................

I took my son to school for the first time today and was amazed at the amount of mums turning up in 4 x 4's.
I thought to myself, they will never use those for off roading. Then I saw them trying to park.

....................

I was playing Scrabble and put down S-P-A-S-T-I-C.
Got a cripple word score for that.

....................

Because of all the weight she's put on lately, I'm only able to have sex with the wife doggy style now.
It's just regular sex, but I have to give her a treat afterwards.

.....................

I'll never understand women, my wife said to me earlier: "Babe, I'm stuck on 6 across. 8 letters, fixed the highway?"
"Retarred." I replied.
Ungrateful bitch just threw the paper at me and stormed out.

.....................

My mates call me gay because I can't stay on a skateboard for longer than a minute.
I'd like to see them try it with high heels on.

.....................

A Chinese friend of mine left a strip of wood in my path and I fell over it, I can't decide if he did it on purpose or not, although he did say it was a prank..

.....................

"Oh come on," said the nurse, "It's just a little prick. You'll hardly feel it."
The fucker lied to me. He had a massive cock and I could not sit down for two days afterwards.

.....................

If i was to ever trace my wife's family tree, it will probably be a cactus. They're all pricks.

.....................

My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I’ve slept with.
"Eleven," I replied.
"Wow! You must be a player," she laughed.
"No," I said, "I’m their coach."

....................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1176  
Old 31-07-2017, 12:23 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,766
Default

Just lost a court case to a fabric softener!
I fought Lenor, and Lenor won!

.................

I was on the last train home last night and the carriage was empty except for me and this sexy brunette sitting opposite.

I'd had a few drinks and was feeling a bit confident so I gave her a wink and a smile. She winked back and gave a little giggle.

Knowing that I was well in, I leant forwards and gently ran my finger up her leg. She gave me a look of shock, but didn't protest.

I caressed her thigh and gave it a gentle squeeze. She furrowed her brow but still no complaint.

With that my desire took over. I dived into the vacant seat next to her and grabbed one of her breasts and pulled it out. She squealed as I licked it all over and gave it a cheeky nibble.

Then I slowly sat back down in my seat and we exchanged stares. After a minute of silence she looked at me, with a little tear in her eye and said,

"You've ruined my fucking KFC."

...................

The bright young Jewish boy in my class handed in an absolutely fantastic essay about the Holocaust.
It was so good that I gave him a gold star.

...................

I have just seen the wife at the bank, that's not good news.
I was hoping she'd wash further downriver.

...................

I've grown tired of being called chauvinist pig, so today I decided to go undercover as a woman in my girlfriends clothes to find out if sexism is real or not.
Not much was different but it turns out women get called faggot a lot.

...................

A man in Barnsley has piles and calls into his local shop for treatment. "Excuse me, do you have any arse cream?"
"Aye lad. What does tha' want? Magnum or Cornetto?"

...................

I noticed google were advertising job vacancies.
I called them and asked if i could apply, and they said "no need we have all your information and will get back to you."

...................

I accidentally sent my wife and girlfriend the wrong text messages and now I'm really in the shit, My wife now thinks I love her.

...................

There are no bad dogs, just bad cooks.
~Old Korean proverb.

...................

My mate asked me the other day, if my new puppy was house trained yet.
I said "Yes, he can already tell the difference between Daft Punk, 808 State and Phuture".

...................

Watching the women's football... when someone shouts "come on England's women!"
it's not a challenge and I'm now barred from my local.

...................

There were loads of fit birds at a climate change protest today.
Sea level's not the only thing rising around here.

...................

My wife's been sobbing tonight because apparently it was 30 years ago to the day that she lost her virginity to me.
"At least you still have the same tatty old box it came in," I said, trying to console her.

...................

A man goes into a library, and asks for a book on how to help his disabled brother go to the toilet.
The librarian says, "I'm holding it for someone else."
"That's the one." The man replies.

...................

So I sent my ex-wife a letter with S.W.A.L.K. on the back.
Sealed With Anal Leakage & Kleenex

...................

"Woman, 82, strangled with own dog lead in brutal attack"
Man's best friend indeed. I hope they put it down.

...................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1177  
Old 01-08-2017, 12:18 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,766
Default

My wife told me she thought we'd have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic.

I told her 'I think you mean fewer'.

..................

How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.

..................

Bookies have started paying out on the British Summer lasting longer than Liverpool's title challenge.

...................

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking tea when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You Sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look, you´ve obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson´s nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr. Mandela smiles and says "look young man...you've got the wrong man" The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson Mandela yells at him, "Look, I don´t want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says, "Aren't you Nissan Main Dealer?"

.................

"Why have you got lipstick on your shirt?" yelled my wife.
"I wiped my dick with it," I replied.

.................

My wife said she didn't need me anymore.
So I sneaked into the kitchen and tightened all the lids.

.................

I was astonished to learn that the meat in Subway was slaughtered in a traditional Muslim way.
How do they fit a rucksack on a cow?

.................

The girl I slept with last night was so ugly that I sneaked out of the house in the middle of the night and ran away.
I just hope she looks after my goldfish.

.................

I am very pleased to announce that I am to be President Trumps new pre... Oh, I've just been fucking fired.

.................

I wish I'd known what 'mastectomy' meant before I saw my friend's wife earlier.
I probably wouldn't have said, "let's hope it's a one off."

.................

It's a good thing that terrorist attacks aren't happening In ice cream vans. There would be a tragic loss of hundreds and thousands.

.................

My lesbian neighbours are celebrating one year of marriage today.
I've sent them a 'Happy Fannyversary' card.

.................

Ever think Trojan may have picked the wrong name? A nation who let a piece of wood enter their realm without caution, which then discharged its devastating load overnight? For condoms?

.................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1178  
Old 02-08-2017, 12:25 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,766
Default

What idiot called it 'telling the future through tea-leaves' and not 'brews foresight'?

..................

Man Utd have done a sponsorship deal with Tinder.
Luke Shaw probably still won't get a match.

..................

Anyone else find it slightly ironic that the A580 dual carriageway linking the two cities of Liverpool and Manchester spells out the word "ASBO?"

..................

I phoned the Child Abuse Hotline.
A kid answered, called me a cunt and told me to fuck off.

..................

"I bet it hurt when you fell from heaven, didn't it?" I asked the girl at the bar.
"Yeah" she laughed, "but what can you do?"
I said, "You could have tried landing on your feet rather than your face."

..................

I went into sports direct on Tuesday and asks for some condoms and KY jelly. "We are a sports shop." said the assistant. On Wednesday I asked for a dual action 12 inch black dildo, on Thursday, some anal beads and a gimp mask, on Friday some love eggs and a whip. Always with the same reply. Saturday as I walked in the assistant took me to one side and said "mate you keep coming in and it's getting embarrassing you know we are a sports shop, what the fuck do you really want?" I summoned up all my courage took a deep breath and said "can I have a Liverpool home shirt please."

...................

It's cold in Motown this morning.
According to The Weather Girls it's Three Degrees, Four Tops.

...................

Don't believe it when they say you can keep a turkey in the freezer for months. I put one in last night and this morning it was dead.

..................

The best things in life are free.
Plus postage & packaging*

..................

Knock knock
Who's there?
Worst mistake Anne Frank ever made..

..................

I've just convinced my wife that the dog shock collar I've just given her is the new style Fitbit.
Let the fun begin.

..................

I've just read an article in a Prog Rock magazine where Jethro Tull's Ian Anderson explains that he took up the flute because he couldn't compete with Eric Clapton on guitar.
I can't help thinking that maybe Pete Townshend should have had the same idea.
Maybe not the flute though - perhaps he could have taken up fiddling........oops'

..................

Scottish guy sits in the dentists chair. Dentist says "Comfy?"
"Glasgee." He replied.

..................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1179  
Old 03-08-2017, 02:01 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,766
Default

"The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars. First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn. Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph! Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way. Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car. Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my driver’s license to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving license, so they will take it off me! See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW! "

....................

BBC News: An Indian builder has fallen through a roof at a Lionel Richie concert, a spokesman said "The last thing I saw was Dan Singh on the ceiling."

....................

I went to my girlfriend's funeral today.
It was the first time I'd met her parents.
What a pair of miserable bastards.

....................

Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.
If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

....................

L'Oreal anti aging/anti-wrinkle skincare...
Because you were fit.

....................

Bear Grylls' wife said she had butterflies in her stomach when they first met. Whereas he had squirrel shit in his.

....................

News: Amazon founder was world's richest person last week for several hours.
I hope he can quit his job soon. I hear it’s a horrible place to work.

....................

The best thing about marriage is that you can have sex at anytime you want. As long as you're the wife.

....................

A man goes to the doctors with a lightbulb stuck in his arse.
Before the doctor could speak, the man says "The answer must be more than one".
"And what is the question?," asks the doctor.
"How many assholes does it take to change a lightbulb," replies the man.

....................

I have a job interview today. I'm frankly unqualified for the position and I never know what to say to the guy I'll be talking to. But they're insisting I hire a new press secretary so I'd better get on with it.

....................

My wife and I always do Doctor and Patient role play when we have sex.
I play the Doctor and she plays dead.

....................

I went into Toys R Us earlier, I said to the assistant: "Where are the Schwarzenegger dolls?"
He said, "Aisle B, back."

....................

I phoned the Premature Ejaculation hotline.
She said, "There's a meeting on Monday."
I said, "Aaah, oooh, oh my God."
She said, "Okay, I assume you're coming."

....................

My mate is such a grammar Nazi.
His girlfriend missed one period and he acts like his life is over.

....................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1180  
Old 03-08-2017, 06:48 PM
Peirre's Avatar
Peirre Peirre is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Madam trixy`s house of ill-repute somewhere on the outskirts of doncaster
Posts: 3,435
Default

A Somali arrives in England as a new immigrant. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr Englishman for letting me in this country!" But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am a Pakistani". The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in England!". The person says "I no English, I flom Hong Kong". The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful England!" That person says "I am from Iran, I am not English". He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you a English citizen?". She says, "No, I am from Romania!"So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the English?"The Romanian lady looks at her watch, shrugs and says "Probably at work".

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for £44."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card." he says.

As the lady bent down to pick up the card, she accidentally farted. She was embarrassed by this but said nothing, hoping no one noticed.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44. How did you get to £58.50?"

He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ten Catholic priests were killed in a road accident.... at the Pearly Gates St Peter says "If any of you are paedophiles you can f**k off down to Hell." Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out "....and take this deaf bastard with you!"
*
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled"
"No" she replies "...it’s just regular porn, you sick bastard!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "Probably" said Paddy "She burns everything!"
*
__________________
USA tour 2018?
Reply With Quote
  #1181  
Old 04-08-2017, 12:11 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,766
Default

The postman left me a note to say my package was too large.
My wife disagrees.

.................

I've just heard the official song for the England Women's Euro campaign.

Steam Irons on the shirt.

.................

I can't find my little boy and I can't find the duct tape.
I've got a bad feeling about this?

.................

My wife says i never take any interest or pay any attention to her.
I asked her today if she was gaining weight, and she went nuts.
I can't win.

.................

When you make a joke about gay people They normally take it the wrong way...
How fucking ironic!

..................

A pirate went to see the doctor about the moles on his back.
"I wouldn't worry about it," said the doctor, "They're benign."
"Count 'em again doc," said the pirate, "You'll find there be ten."

..................

Some refugees were on the telly again tearfully telling their stories; the gutted buildings, abandoned and screaming children, drugs being sold everywhere, and militant Islamic fanatics taking control and dictating all aspects of life. "If this gets any worse, we'll have to leave Bradford," sobbed Abdul.

..................

If you have sex with your clone are you gay or just masturbating?

...................

Last mothers day, Tesco had a competition to find the best mother from all its customers.Somehow I don"t think the slogan they decided to use, "Enter your mother today", was that well thought out.

...................

I'm a giver in bed.
Well, a carrier, actually.

...................

Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When am I going to die?"
The fortune teller replies: "You will die on a major Mexican holiday."
Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"
The fortune teller replies: "Any day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"

..................

Apparently, someone has been shot with a starter pistol at the athletics track.

Police think it was race related.

..................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1182  
Old 05-08-2017, 12:23 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,766
Default

After almost 5 years of regular hospital visits, tests, wanking into test-tubes etc, my wife and I are no nearer to having a child.
So we have decided that we've had enough of all this and we are going to take drastic measures.
I'm just going to have to fuck her.

..................

Wife rang me today screaming down the phone. "You gave me fucking crabs you bastard! How could you do this to me?!"
I said to the bitch, "Before you start blaming me for those crabs you want to go and talk to that dirty whore of a sister of yours."

.................

When I was younger my mum used to say "whatever you want to do, the sky's the limit." Which really upset me, I wanted to be an astronaut.

.................

I opened a pack of biscuits earlier and found someone had drawn around their bollocks on a piece of paper.
To be honest, it wasn't a surprise - it said 'May contain traces of nuts' on the packet.

.................

The wife came into the kitchen last night and caught me drinking wine from the bottle.
"What the hell are you doing?" She says"
"Following the recipe," I replied, "It clearly says reduce the wine."

.................

What do you call a Horse with Three Legs ?
A Reliant Dobbin.

.................

Mobb Deep rapper Prodigy choked to death on an egg - pretty sure this isn't what he meant when he said the whites were out to get him.

.................

My mate called me up the other night and said, 'Is the clitoris round the front or round the back?'
'Round the front, why do you ask?', I replied.
'No reason', he said, 'Just means I've spent the last half hour licking a hemorrhoid.'

.................

Smoke started billowing out of my new lap top I bought on ebay, so I took it to PC World. . I handed it over, and said to the bloke on the counter ' what can you do with that mate ? ' He said ' Probably a cheese toastie mate, it's a fucking breville'.

.................

What do vaginas and the mafia have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

.................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1183  
Old 06-08-2017, 06:55 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,766
Default

You're all invited to my recycling party tonight at 8pm.
Bring a bottle or a few cans!

..................

My Dad said to me, "If you really want something in life, you've got to get out there and grab it with both hands." So I did.

Now the barmaid with the big tits at the 'Rose and Crown' has reported me to the police.

..................

What's the difference between a tramp and an MP?

One sits about on a bench all day, usually falling asleep, enjoys long liquid lunches and contributes nothing to society.

The other's a tramp.

...................

Diego Maradona decides to come out of retirement and play for Chelsea, he goes into the changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" He asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Liverpool. They're shit and we can't be bothered".

Maradona looks at them and says "Well I know I'm a bit fat and old, but I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Maradona goes out to play Liverpool by himself and the rest of the Chelsea team go off for a few beers. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the TV on. A big cheer goes up as the screen shows

"Chelsea 1 (Maradona 10 minutes) – Liverpool 0

He is beating Liverpool all by himself! Anyway, a few more beers later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on" They put the TV on.

"Result from Stamford Bridge: Chelsea 1 (Maradona 10 minutes) – Liverpool 1 (Sturridge 89 minutes)

They can't believe it, he has single handed got a draw against Liverpool! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down I've let you down"

"Don't be stupid Diego, you got a draw against Liverpool all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!"

Maradonna says "No, No, I have, I've let you down!. I got sent off after 12 minutes!"

.................

After our child was born, I turned to the doctor and said with a wink: "Stick a couple of stitches in for me would you." "It shouldn't be a problem sir, it was a cesarean birth" he said. I said, "I meant in her mouth, otherwise I'll never hear the end of it."

..................

Sadiq Khan can not tell us where the 400 returning Jihad fighters are living in theUK, but the head of DVLA knows exactly where every untaxed motor is . These cunts need to swap fucking jobs and sharpish.

..................

Failed another Job Interview today...
Apparently taking part in an orgy isn't proof that I can effectively work as part of a team.

..................

"Formed in 1977 in Coventry, England, they are an English 2 Tone ska revival band whose music combines a steady rock beat with punk attitude. Jerry Dammers and his bandmates achieved fame and notoriety with classics like 'Ghost Town' and 'Too Much Too Young".
"Well, that's true", I said to the waiter. "But it's not what I meant when I asked you to tell me about the specials".

..................

I was asking my co-worker what he was up to at the weekend and he said that he and a group of friends went up to their local woods to do a bit of felching.
I'm not totally sure what that is but I know if we don't preserve these ancient rural skills they'll be lost for future generations.

..................

I went to the fertility clinic today, the receptionist asked if I would like to masturbate in the cup...
I said, "I'm good, but I'm not sure I'm ready for competition."

..................

I think it's interesting how people sleep differently.

I usually sleep on my back, my brother sleeps on his stomach, and my ex sleeps with half of this town.

..................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1184  
Old 07-08-2017, 12:20 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,766
Default

I'm sure there's a bouncy castle inside our local mosque, everytime I go past there's always a load of shoes outside.

...................

I went round to Paddy's house yesterday.
I looked up and said, "You've got a high ceiling."
He replied, "Yes, the wife wanted two rooms knocked into one!"

...................

I've never felt the need to ask a woman to dress up as a police officer or a nurse for sex.
They often turn up soon after, anyway.

...................

All the girls in the office have been laughing at my man bag.
You'd think they'd never seen a shaved scrotum before.

...................

"I was disqualified from the dog race yesterday."
"Why?"
"I'm not sure. I only followed the instructions as my wife read them out to me."
"Really? What were they?"
"Wait for the judges to call your name. Then, wave to the crowd and enter course with your dog..."

....................

I was on this blind date with a girl and I started telling her all about how I was Scottish and part of a clan.
"Ooh, which one?" she asked, "Campbells, MacGregors?"
"No, Ku Klux."

....................

My mates dad says he used to be a cook in the Veitnam war.
Well, he actually dropped napalm on the Veit cong. Same thing I suppose.

....................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1185  
Old 08-08-2017, 02:32 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,766
Default

The Internet has become too politically correct. What's all this nonsense about disabled cookies? In my day, they were called broken biscuits!

..................

This anti-bullying campaign in schools is all very well but where is the next generation of traffic wardens going to come from?

..................

After a night out and a heavy session I got pulled over by the police in the early hours of the morning.
As I fell out of my car the copper started checking my number plate, got on his radio and said, "Charlie, Whiskey, Tango."
I thought, "how the fuck does he know what I've been doing?"

..................

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."

..................

My neighbours keep banging on our wall whilst I'm trying to listen to my music.
"A little respect please!" They shouted.
I'm not a big Erasure fan but OK this one's for you!

..................

I was stood in the pub talking with my mates ' So anyway I flew in like this, meeeeeeeeooowww, and opened up machine guns and killed 20 rag heads. Then I flew around like this,wooooooo, and saw this wedding, wedding my arse, full of terrorists, so I went woosh and boom, took it out with an AGM. Fucking muslim carat everywhere. All this from the comfort of an easy chair whilst eating a packet of Hobnobs and drinking coffee.' This women tapped me on the shoulder . 'Excuse me, but that sounds like a terribly racism game, I think i'll have to complain about that. What is it called?' 'Game?Game?I'm talking about what I do as a drone pilot in the RAF'.

...................

The wizard of oz is the ultimate chick flick, two women trying to kill each other over a pair of shoes.

....................

My girlfriend has just found out that I'm married. "I can't believe this!" she screamed, "We've been together for five years and you didn't think to tell me?" "I knew it would upset you," I replied, "So I just didn't say anything." "How long have you been married for then?" she asked. I said, "Just over six months."

....................

The Mrs wants to start trying for a baby. She said “Is your sperm active?” “Well it regularly leaps over magazines and computer screens.”

.....................

I used to think I was descended from the Irish but thanks to Ancestry.com, it turns out I'm just a drunk.

.....................

If you're a hot woman and someone abducts you, and stuffs you into a massive sack, don't worry. I told Santa I wanted you for Christmas!

.....................

After years of trying, my mate's girlfriend has finally just been offered a modelling contract by a Polish guy in Milan.
She's been told it's definitely in the bag this time.

.....................

For her birthday, I'm paying for my wife to go and see the Northern Lights. "Oh thank you" she said "it's something I've always wanted to do".
God knows why she's so excited, it's only Blackpool for fuck sake.

.....................

News: Colorado marijuana tax revenue exceeds $500 million.
It's generating so much money, Colorado can now afford a cocaine habit.

.....................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1186  
Old 09-08-2017, 12:51 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,766
Default

When EE said I'll get unlimited calls and texts with my new mobile contract, I didn't realise it would be from PPI insurance companies.

...................

Stupid Answers

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for "cherrypickers" and "cheesemongers" ?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:
Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. . .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence.)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues. What do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're . .?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten' s first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So, who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What's the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: Prison or the
Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO, Wolverhampton
DJ Mark: For £10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?
GWR FM, Bristol
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

RTE RADIO 2FM, Ireland
Presenter: What is the name of the long-running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The. .?
Caller: Mohicans.

RICHARD AND JUDY (C4))
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry; I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Q: What is the world's largest continent?
A: The Pacific

RICHARD AND JUDY (C4))
Presenter: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. . .
Presenter: He makes bread. . .
Contestant: Err...
Presenter: He makes cakes . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?

BREAKFAST SHOW (RADIO 1)
Chris Moyles: Which 's' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?
Contestant: Ummm. . .
Moyles: It begins with 's' and rhymes with 'perm'.
Contestant: Shark.

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth. . . er . . . Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er . . . Mexico?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.

THE VAULT (ITV)
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what?
Contestant: Basketball.
DOG EAT DOG (BBC1)
Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord Of The Rings?
Contestant: Enid Blyton.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and . . ?
Contestant: Jelly.
FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)
Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED and PIT.
Team: Chedpit.

SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)
Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?
Contestant: Six.
Tufnell: Higher!
Contestant: Five.

NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM)
Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest?
Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is it?

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'j' is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway?

QUIZMANIA (ITV)
Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with T.
Contestant: Doctor.
Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango.
Contestant: Oh, (pause) Doctor.

BIG QUIZ (LBC)
Gary King: Name the funny men who once entertained kings and queens at court.
Contestant: Lepers.

DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)
Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?
Contestant: I need a clue.
Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?
Contestant: Cartons?

TALKSPORT
Andy Townsend: How many wheels does a tricycle have?
Caller: Two.
Townsend: The Beatles were known as the Fab...?
Caller: Five.

MAGIC 52 (NORTH-EAST ENGLAND)
Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm...
Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
Contestant: 1965?

WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE? (ITV)
Chris Tarrant (asking the audience): 'Jambon' is the French for which food?
11 per cent of the audience: Jam.

DAVE LEE TRAVIS SHOW (BREEZE FM)
DLT: In which European country are there people called Walloons?
Contestant: Wales.

JANICE FORSYTH SHOW (BBC RADIO SCOTLAND)
Forsyth: What is India's currency?
Contestant: Ramadan.

OWEN MONEY SHOW (BBC RADIO WALES)
Money: In 30 seconds, name as many well-known politicians as you can.
Caller: Er. . . Tony Brown. . . and Nigel Benn. (Silence.)

...................

So there I was, sat on my sofa naked. I had a Tyrannosaurus glove puppet on one hand, and a triceratops glove puppet the other. On the table I had a big tub of lube and plenty of tissues.
How stupid did I feel when I put the DVD on and realized it was called WALKING with Dinosaurs.

...................

Was walking down the street earlier and saw my doctor get knocked down by a bus. ''Help me, please, help me' he pleaded.
So I walked over and said 'Sorry, I'm busy right now, but take two aspirin and if it's not better by the morning phone for an appointment'.

...................

The French Army is to increase workplace health screening, this follows a recent spate of reports of soldiers feeling run down.

...................

I'll never forget the first time I ate pussy.
The police soon shut down that dodgy curry house.

...................

World Athletics news - The IAAF has announced that in the 400-metre relay race the baton will be replaced with a toilet roll.

...................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1187  
Old 10-08-2017, 12:28 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,766
Default

Apparently, Googling 'how tall is Buster Bloodvessel?' Whilst people are trying to talk to me is the height of bad manners!

..................

I am the social club secretary for our local dyslexia society.

I arranged a trip to the Maritime Museum.

Half said they loved it, half said they hated it.

..................

Northumbria Police have confirmed that they paid a paedophile £10K to work for them. I can't help feeling he was hard done by, if he'd signed up with the BBC he'd have got £Millions!

..................

One of my most horrific experiences when I was younger was getting fucked by a black bishop. Cost me the under 12s chess championship.

..................

The wife says that I never do anything around the house, so today I planted two acorns 14ft apart in the garden.
She asked what I was doing. I replied, starting work on my new hammock.

..................

"Please don't upset yourself," said the doctor. "Premature ejaculation can be distressing, but it's easily treated nowadays."
"I'm not upset," I replied, "but I still need that tissue."

..................

A sign in the cubicle in the pub said "PLEASE LEAVE THIS TOILET AS YOU WOULD WISH TO FIND IT."
So I left a rolled up 50 pound note and 3 big lines of cocaine on the cistern.

...................

Apparently, in his early days, Glen Campbell assisted referees at football matches in Derby.
He was a Linesman for The County.

...................

I approached this girl at the bar and asked her if she was from Tennessee. "Why?" she asked with a wink, "Because I'm the only 'ten you see'?"
"No, you look like a product of severe inbreeding."

...................

An imminent thermonuclear war against a brainwashed, fanatical, militarized populace lead by a crazed, irrational lunatic heading a regime that spends everything on a massive military complex, leaving the sick to die. North Korea has their work cut out for them.

...................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1188  
Old 11-08-2017, 04:21 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,766
Default

Saw two druggies having a '69' in the park earlier on.
He was on crack, she was on blow.

....................

I'll never forgive the Germans for the way they treated my grandfather at Auschwitz.
Three times he was passed over for promotion!

....................

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

....................

I'm so disappointed that both my children have grown up to be single mothers.
Especially as they are boys.

....................

I asked my Dad what his views were about abortion. He said, "Ask your sister."
I replied, "But I don't have a sist......"

....................

I went to complain to my local MP about his immigration policy today. "My brother and his wife were kidnapped by Somalian pirates" "That's awful" he said " but I don't see what that has to do with our immigration policy" "Really?" I replied. "They were on Basildon boating lake at the time"

.....................

Water Polo: One shark away from being the greatest sport on the planet.

.....................

I was in court today when I completely lost it.
"lock them up and throw away the key!", I yelled.
"Mr smith!", said the judge sternly, "do you want custody of your children or not?"

.....................

I was telling my neighbour "We thought there was an outbreak of measles at the school, but it actually turned out to be German measles"
"How do you know?" he asked.
"It's killed all the Jewish kids" I replied

.....................

I've just been awarded an advanced degree in Bra Design .
It's a Ph.DD

......................

My mate went for a penis enlargement yesterday.
Apparently it's now a foot.
Worst plastic surgeon ever!

......................

I managed a personal best in my 100-metre race today.
I got to 58 metres.

......................

Just saw a woman feeding the ducks at the lake.
Who knew that ducks like breast milk?!!!?

......................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1189  
Old 12-08-2017, 01:18 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,766
Default

Do you get a courtesy dog if you have pet insurance and yours is in the vets?

..................

Men with beards 50 years ago: “I'm going to the woods to chop down some trees.”
Men with beards today: “I'm going to the shops there's a new face mask that’s gluten-free.”

..................

It's amazing, replace North Korea on a map with a mushroom and all of a sudden, every fucking American can find it.

..................

I was just interviewed by a journalist who asked: "Do you think Brexit will affect you?"
"Massively" I replied. "There are 3 cars in our family and I'm probably going to have to wash them all."

..................

Well I've put my wig and gown on ready for my 100th day in court.
The police really fucking hate transvestites in Rochdale.

..................

They say education is the key to success. Wrong, look at Albert Einstein – he was a dropout.
Yet he still ended up being the first man on the moon!

..................

Guam is set to become this year's tourism boom venue after some experts predicted record temperatures with some experts predicting these might reach 150,000,000°F.

..................

Trump has reassured the world that there's no need to worry after pulling the USA from the Paris Climate Agreement. "We've merely switched from running on green power to White Power," he says.

...................

I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour. On my last two dates, the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had sex. Not sure of the brand but it had a distinct sharp, peppery smell.

...................

A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a film.
At the funeral, his mother said, "Jesus died for your scenes."

...................

How is it that Teresa May looks fit as fuck on Pornhub but looks rougher than a dogs arse in the House of commons.

...................

"The Great American Eclipse: How to watch safely"
From thirty thousand feet when North Korea nukes Washington.

...................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1190  
Old 13-08-2017, 12:46 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,766
Default

When I was younger a selfie was something we had to do when the wife wasn't in the mood.

...................

Man found hanged in his flat, 8 years after committing suicide.
Sort of proves his point, really.

...................

I've just started a club for recovering anorexics.
Weight Wishers.

...................

'You da bomb!'
'No, you da bomb!'
In America – a compliment.
In the Middle East – an argument.

....................

My wife gets annoyed if I mess with her red wine, so I added fruit & lemonade to it.
Now she's sangria than ever !!!

....................

It's true what they say, people do start to look like their pets. Last night I was so drunk my dog looked the spitting image of my wife.
Well, that's my excuse anyway.

....................

My Grandfather was an electrician during the second world war.
How do I know this? in the picture of him wearing his uniform, his army cap has two bolts of lightning on it.

....................

Making my debut for my new football team today. The coach said he'll give me the first 45 minutes then he'll pull me off at half time.
Wow, at my last club we only got half an orange.

....................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1191  
Old 14-08-2017, 11:40 AM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,766
Default

I went into a Chinese takeaway last night. The owner of the shop said, "What do you do for a riving?"
I said, "What do I do for a living? I'm a bit of a comedian."
So the Chinese chap says, "Go on then, change colour."
I said, "No! I'm not a chameleon, I'm a comedian."
So then he says, "Tell me a joke, make me raff."
I said, "You want me to tell you a joke and make you laugh?"
Just then his wok caught fire, so I said, "Wok! Wok!"
And he said, "Who der?"

....................

Our dog went missing yesterday, the missus told me to go and find him.I looked every fucking where, in the park,down by the river, out on the common,nothing. So I went home and told the wife, she went ballistic and told me I should look harder, so I went out, had my head shaved and got a tattoo but I still can't find that fucking dog.

....................

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A genealogist looks up your family tree
A gynecologist just looks up your bush.

....................

Einstein's girlfriend walked up to him and exclaimed ''I need two things from you, time and space.''
He looked at her inquiringly and asked ''What's the second thing?''

....................

I once dated a Jewish girl, but it didn't work out.
One time I invited her round to my place for a curry.
She turned up and said, "How's dinner coming along?"
I replied, "Well, I've just put your Naan in the oven."

....................

I must have really pissed my missus off after trying erotic asphyxiation during sex. She's been lying there now for three days still giving me the silent treatment.

....................

I was in IKEA earlier when the fire alarm went off.
We all went outside to the self-assembly point.

....................

My missus said that my cock reminds her of her favourite supermarket.
I said, "Why, because it's well stocked and capable of supplying you with your every need?"
"No," she replied. "Because it's Lidl."

....................

I've just been invited to follow Holly Willoughby on Twitter.
I wish she'd make her mind up, last time I followed her she had me arrested.

....................

I've never been a great fan of Rap, much prefer 1980s middle of the road stuff.
50c is all right, but Dollar are twice as good.

.....................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1192  
Old 15-08-2017, 01:20 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,766
Default

What's the difference between a triangle and Liverpool FC?

A triangle has 3 points.

................

My doctor told me to have 5 a day.
My arm is fucking killing me.

................

My wife calls my cock 'The Firework.'

Not because it lights up her evening, but because she likes to keep it at arms length since it went off in her face that one time.

................

Isn't it amazing they can find Richard III but not Madeleine McCann?

.................

Its always flattering when someone says "You've got a nice bum."
Except when you're having a prostate examination.

.................

On a first date...
'I work with animals every day.'
'Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?'
'I’m a butcher...'

..................

Have you noticed how every time an American cop shoots a black teenager, it's the kid who pulls his gun first? The police must have some fucking great quick draw instructors in their academies.

..................

I bought my son an inflatable Tardis for his birthday.
Took me three weeks to blow the fucker up!

..................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1193  
Old 16-08-2017, 12:21 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,766
Default

I attended a speech at a local wheelchair convention about benefit cheats.
When the guy finished I gave him a standing ovation.
Then the bastard reported me for benefit fraud!

....................

At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me, "Isn't the bride a right ugly dog"
"Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...
"I'm not . . . I'm her fucking mother.

....................

Donald Trump: Proof that you don't have to be poor to be white trash.

....................

The boss of Ryanair, Michael O'Leary, walks into a Dublin bar and orders a pint of Guinness. The Landlord says, "That'll be one €uro please Mr O'Leary." O'Leary replies, "You're a man after me own heart, do you know all the other bars around here charge five €uros for a pint of Guinness?" The Landlord responds, "I have to be honest Mr O'Leary I took a leaf out of your book, slashed the cost of everything and business is booming." O'Leary hands over one €uro with a smile, the Landlord asks, "Will you be wanting a glass with your Guinness sir ?"

....................

Why is it the longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look?

....................

Donald Trump was recently asked " do you know the difference between Sunni and Shia?"
He replied " I don't know which is which but I know they sung I got you babe"

....................

My wife has got so ugly .When she gives me a blowjob it counts as anal

....................

My missus suffers from Dyson's Syndrome.
She doesn't suck and whines like hell"

....................

I had a rude awakening this afternoon. I was asleep at my desk when the boss walked in and shouted: "Wake up, you cunt!"

....................

How to get over your fear of the dark: As soon as you turn the lights off, start masturbating. No monster wants to see that shit. While doing it, stare at the corner and whisper tenderly, "this is for you"

....................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1194  
Old 17-08-2017, 02:08 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,766
Default

I refused to believe I was gay & dyslexic.
I was in Daniel.

..................

Went to the sperm clinic earlier.
The lady asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup?
I said 'I'm good but not ready for competition yet'

..................

First woman: My next door neighbour Mr Patel has given his son an Indian name; he must be daft.
Second woman: There's nothing daft about that. What's he called him?
First woman: Crazy Horse.

..................

One thing that was kept out of the media was that at the last Paraplegic Games, ten people died during the Epileptic Clay Pigeon Shooting event.

..................

This gay rights thing has gone too far. Even my local cafe is selling a Bi, Lesbian and Transgender sandwich.

...................

"i cnt wt 2 gt th rsltz of my enlsh xms 2day."
I can tell you what you're results are now if you want.

...................

I've never understood why they always sack the manager when a football team doesn't do well.
Why don't they sack the goalkeeper instead?
If he didn't let in any goals, the team wouldn't lose.

..................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1195  
Old 18-08-2017, 12:22 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,766
Default

I went into a cake shop today and asked "Is that a custard or a meringue?"
She said your not wrong it's a custard.

.................

I left a trail of rose petals from the front door, up the stairs, and to the bedroom. I sprinkled some more over the bed. I sat in the corner wearing nothing but her beautiful silk robe with a bottle of vintage wine on ice on the end table. I heard the door open and her walking up the stairs, I wanted this to be the most romantic evening ever. I was quite nervous.
Now all I needed was the perfect way to introduce myself.

................

Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "Fuck" or "Fucking" 506 times.

That actually beats a record set by my Dad in 2003, trying to put an Ikea wardrobe together.

................

I said to the baker.. "How come all your cakes are 50p and that one's £1"
He said..." that's Madeira cake"

.................

I bought a sat-nav from Fat boy Slim but it just keeps saying "Right here, right now."

.................

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what's happening.

.................

I'm shagging this blind woman at the moment.
It was hard at first.
Took me ages to get her husbands voice right.

.................

A chicken walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian asks, "What the fuck would you want that for?"
The chicken replies, "To get to the other side."

.................

"Scratch and Sniff" Or as I call it, 'Foreplay'

.................

My girlfriend is so dumb; I sent her out to buy some speed, and she came back with a motorbike.

.................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1196  
Old 19-08-2017, 12:29 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,766
Default

I'm sure my mate Dave is having an affair with my wife.
He's been proper miserable lately...

....................

"This is all your fault!" My wife moaned this morning.
"Fucking hell, what have I done now?" I asked her.
"Give me a chance to think," she said, "I've only just woke up."

...................

A mate asked me if I wanted to place a bet on a butterfly race.
That's worth a flutter, I thought to myself.

...................

Good to see the Muslim's picking up their game; attacking the French was beginner level stuff. But now they fucked with Finland, a county most famous for bitch slapping Russia so hard even Putin hasn't tried it again...

....................

Lassie became obsolete the day Timmy got a mobile phone.
"Dad? Yeah, I've fallen down the fucking well again."

....................

I was walking home pissed and asked a bloke, "Where's the other side of the road, mate?"
"Over there," he pointed.
"Fuck's sake," I replied," I was just there and some cunt sent me over here."

....................

The Doctor looked me squarely in the eye. "You seriously need to reduce your alcohol intake or you'll ruin what's left of your liver completely."
"Fuck off, Doc," I replied. "You always say that when it's your round. Get the beers in, you tight cunt."

....................

what's the difference between 10 men and a joke?
your mum cant take a joke...

....................

What do you call a midget Mexican?
A paragraph as he's too short to be an essay.

....................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1197  
Old 20-08-2017, 01:01 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,766
Default

I put this ad in a lonely hearts column in the local paper. 'I like to go for long walks stopping regularly for nice cool drinks. I enjoy good food and at the end of a day I would love to curl up on the sofa with you and stroke your hair.'
I only got one reply.

....From a Golden Retriever.

....................

The pub is ten minutes from my house.
However, my house is two hours from the pub.

....................

Just become the leap frog world record holder.
On the down side i`m now banned from entering any mosques.

....................

I'm not racist but....
The Ku Klux Klan all look the same to me.

....................

Japanese biologists have discovered a new species of snail. Apparently they migrate by letting themselves be eaten by birds, and then they're later shat out somewhere else.
To my mind that still sounds more attractive than flying with Ryanair.

....................

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack can lick Jill's fanny, But all he got was a mouthful of cock cause Jill is a fucking tranny

....................

I like my women like i like my computer.
Turned on, on my lap & virus free.

....................

I saw a bloke on the train wearing a T-shirt that read, "This is what a feminist looks like."
And right enough, he had a flat chest and facial hair.

....................

Jeremy Hunt - don't fucking start a sentence with "Stephen Hawking is wrong about the numbers".

....................

Jet2 have demanded an answer from the French Government as to why an armed French armed fighter jet was stalking their flight LS1204 from Malaga to Birmingham. Fairly straightforward I imagine, the French pilots had worked out it was a passenger plane, therefore unarmed and incapable of returning fire.

....................

If prayers worked, who would have a dick less than 8 inches?

....................

A woman has just come up to me holding an unlit fag. She said, "Have you got a light cock?"
I replied, "Well it floats in the bath!"

....................

Porn film titles that should of been...
'Inspect her Gadget'
'Womb raider'
'One blew over the hooker's chest'
'Night of the giving head'
'Ass ventura'
'Hannah mounts Anna'
'Edward dildo hands'
'Reservoir dogging'
'Three willys'
'Cumblob squidgypants'
'Shaving Ryan's privates'

...................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1198  
Old 21-08-2017, 02:37 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,766
Default

My girlfriend bought a home waxing kit the other day. She asked me if she should just do the sides or leave a strip down the middle. I said I would prefer it if she didn't have a moustache at all.

..................

I've got a French stepdad.
He's my faux pa.

..................

After making some butterfly cakes I handed one to the wife to try.
She said, " Tastes really nice but what's this black thing."
I said, " Dunno? Probably a leg."

..................

An old Yorkshireman's dog dies so he decides to have a statue made out gold in remembrance.
He says to the Jeweler "Na then then can tha mek me a stature of yon dog aht a gold"?
The Jeweler replies "Certainly, 18 carat"?
" No yer daft bugger, chewin a booann" was the reply.

..................

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

...................

To avoid doubt I have this bumper sticker.
My wife's driving is not terrorist related.

...................

In the event of a nuclear war the only things that will survive are the cockroaches. Which means Britain should still have a functioning government.

....................

On a Ryanair flight to Spain a woman stripped completely naked and had to be restrained by flight attendants. Ryanair immediately charged all the other passengers a £256 'entertainment fee'.

....................

I've just bought a JVC LCD 4K 3D UHD TV.
The rest of the alphabet was out of stock.

....................

What does a Mexican and a cue ball have in common?
The harder you hit it the more English it knows.

....................

There's a new magazine for gay Servicemen.
It's mainly just photos of Privates.

....................

During my marriage I never had to pay for sex...
During my divorce I learned I was actually on the lay away plan.

....................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1199  
Old 22-08-2017, 12:39 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,766
Default

I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

...................

I wonder if any Policeman has ever managed to keep a straight face while telling a woman she has the right to remain silent.

...................

I was sitting on a park bench watching the children play.
The bloke next to me pointed at a little girl on a swing and said, "That one's mine. Which is yours?"
"I'm not sure," I replied, "I haven't chosen yet."

....................

Alexander Graham Bell picked up the ear piece and trembled in anticipation as he heard the voice on the other end say, "Your call is important to us, please hold and an operator will be with you shortly. "

....................

So that's it then, this one in 2017 and now the next is not until 2024.
Still though, a blow job from the wife is always welcome.

....................

I must be the unluckist person in the world???
I have just found a wage packet outside Morrisons, and the bastards had 3 days off.

.....................

I can't believe my wife went mental with me just because I painted our little girl's face like a tiger for the big day.
But anyway, we wound up having a closed casket funeral.

......................

In the paper today, a warning over how mouthwash can decrease your fertility.
Well, now we know why all the toothless twats on The Jeremy Kyle Show are breeding like rabbits.

......................

A very strange thing happened last night. There I was in the kitchen, having stripped the carburetor on the work surface and de-greasing some other parts from my motorbike in the sink, when my wife came home, looked at me in a very peculiar way, then, for no reason whatsoever her mood ring just exploded?

......................

I asked a fortune teller to read my future. Suddenly, she went pale and sprinted from the room.
So I grabbed the crystal ball, chased the bitch down and beat her to death.
I wonder what the fuck she saw in that thing.

......................

My son’s classmate was caught with a fag in his mouth, and was suspended from school.
The fag was given 18 months and put on the sex offenders register.

......................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1200  
Old 23-08-2017, 03:20 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,766
Default

My wife dropped her epilepsy medicine in the washing machine.
Her clothes don't fit anymore.

....................

My wife says I don't satisfy her anymore.
That's probably because I'm not a fucking cake shop...

....................

"And this is where the magic happens," I said with a wink to the young lady as I pointed at the shower.
And that was my last day as a tour guide at Auschwitz.

....................

At first i thought i could handle being a police detective with schizophrenia.... But now I'm starting to question myself !!!

....................

I hate being a depressed Atheist.
Nothing to live for, nothing to die for.

....................

I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died.. which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine.

....................

I don't care what anyone says, I've always thought wanking yourself off is pretty gay. Sitting there groping a cock and loving it is for cissy's! I'm so hetero, I pay a guy to come in and do it for me.

.....................

Arsene Wenger's Champions League preparations are coming along nicely... He's just ordered a new Sky box.

.....................

Have you ever read the sequel to Anne Franks' diary?
'Anne goes to camp'.

.....................

"As a doctor, I find religious zealots sickening. I had to let a 12 year old die because his parents are Seventh Day Adventists who don't believe in blood transfusions.", I complained to my friend.
"Isn't it Jehovah's Witnesses who don't allow blood transfusions?" he asked. "Oh fuck!"

.....................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:16 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.