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  #1081  
Old 30-04-2017, 12:27 PM
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Think your life's tough? Try buying a Wii in France.

......................

Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried wiping their arse with an iPad.

......................

My bullying support group starts tonight at 8.
You'd better fucking be there.

......................

"Black really is slimming on you, you've never looked sexier!" I assured the wife.
"Turn the light back on you twat!" she replied

......................

I heard my son chanting: "DOMINE... BACTERIUM... LACTOBACILLUS... CASEI... SHIROTA!"
I think he's dabbling in the Yakult.

......................

I lost my job as a stage designer.
I left without making a scene.

......................

As my wife was reading Cosmo, she looked up at me and asked, "Darling, if there was one thing you could change about me, what would it be?"'
I thought for a second and then replied, "Your identity."

.....................

That story about Goldilocks And The Three Bears isn't all that far-fetched. Once upon a time a little girl was found in my bed, and I ended up doing porridge.

.....................

I'm looking forward to tonight's fight.
The wife doesn't want to watch the boxing.

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I played the 'Hook a Duck' on the fair this afternoon and won a three-day countdown timer.
Well a goldfish, but same fucking thing.

.....................

My gay Syrian cousin was thrown to his death from a tall building by ISIS militants last week.Well to be fair, his Grindr profile did state that he wanted to be tossed off by other men.

.....................

A math teacher has sex with one of his students

How many times does 42 go into 15?

.....................

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  #1082  
Old 01-05-2017, 12:07 PM
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Dirty Derek the local flasher was thinking about retiring, but he's decided to stick it out for another year!

..................

I lost a good friend and drinking buddy this weekend in a tragic accident...

He got his finger caught in a wedding ring!

..................

I went for a testicle check up last week. The little Thai nurse cupped my balls and said, "Don't worry, it's quite normal to get an erection during this procedure." I said, "I haven't got an erection." She said "No, but I have."

..................

Did you know that pigeons die when they have sex?
The one I fucked did, anyway.

..................

Today I took the afternoon off and got 18 holes in.
Maxed out my credit card at the brothel, but it was totally worth it.

..................

My daughter’s pet lamb died today. The grieving process was delicious!

..................

'Tampax Pearl, Outsmart Mother Nature'
Being born with a cock has done the trick for me.

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I bet all those Red Hand of Ulster types are delighted to see an orange man in the White House.

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"Honey!...I'm Home"
Winnie the Pooh could be a right prick after a hard day at work.

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Choosing who to vote for in the upcoming election is like having to choose a sexually transmitted disease.
They're all unpleasant and some are worse than others, but you really don't want any of them.

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I bought my cat a litter tray and all he does is shit and piss in it, The little bastard hasn't put any rubbish in there at all.

..................

My new neighbor turned out to be a Jewish terrorist.
He was making Mazel Tov Cocktails.

..................

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  #1083  
Old 02-05-2017, 12:41 PM
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That Prince William is such a tight bastard. He named his son George so that he can buy his school clothes from Asda, without having to get any name tags.

.....................

Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Donald told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened.

About one hour later Donald sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?" asked Trump.

"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.

The driver replies,
"I'm Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."

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I have just purchased a new 50" T.V to watch the Championship play offs. Nice telly but there's no Leeds.

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I bought two new washing baskets and labelled them 'Darks' and 'Whites'. My wife said I can't do that as it's 'laundry segregation' but I prefer to think of it as 'ethnic cleansing'

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I sold some heroin to this tramp and as he was shooting it up he said, "This is fucking shit to what I'm used too. I used to be on top gear you know. " "Shut the fuck up Jeremy, " I replied, "no one gives a fuck anymore. "

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I went to buy a new television in Currys yesterday, I told them I wanted one that was made in Britain. Just as they were scanning it at the till I noticed it said built in Antenna on the box so I made them take it back, there was no way they were going to palm any of that Antennese rubbish off on me.

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If pussy wasn't made to be eaten, why is it shaped like a taco?

...................

That fortune teller I visited in Luton certainly was accurate.
"When you leave here, you will meet a tall dark stranger," she said.

...................

Facebook Status: MILF fucking horse while midgets watch
Pornhub Search: I'm bored, gonna make some chips!
Oh Fuck.....

...................

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  #1084  
Old 03-05-2017, 01:36 PM
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I got an e-mail saying 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!'
I thought, "That's just spam!"

..................

The inventor of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral.

..................

If a women changes in front of you without a problem you're either;
a) The significant other.
b) Gay
c) So deep in the friendzone she sees you more like a brother.
d) She has no idea that you're in the bushes outside her windows with night-vision goggles on.

..................

I walked up to a bloke in a pub last night and said, "My wife is due to give birth any day now."
"That's great," he smiled, "What are you having?"
I said, "A pint of Guinness please."

..................

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed and driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball."

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, you don't stand a chance of hitting her from here."

..................

I'm not saying I'm a pervert or anything.. But if I stopped paying the subscription fees on all the specialist porn sites I use, I could probably afford an albino amputee dwarf of my very own.

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Life is like a box of chocolates.
Pretty shit if you're a diabetic.

..................

I'm the kind of person who calls a spade a spade.
The police, however, insist on calling it Exhibit A.

..................

Why are the Irish crap at basketball?
Because their players aren't that tall, at all at all.

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When Theresa May and her pals complete the Brexit 'negotiations', I just hope the people of Syria and Iraq are willing to take in British asylum seekers.

..................

I said to the Antiques Roadshow expert, "They're chipped but they are King Edward."
He said, "Take your chips and fuck off."

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Whats do call it when you stuff a vegetable in to a pair of football boots? Aaron Lennon

..................

I was a bit surprised when my son told me that he wanted to wear a wizzard outfit last Halloween.
I had no idea he was a fan of glam rock.

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Crack opens in Antarctica, I thought there wasn't a thing more frigid than my wife but apparently I was wrong

..................

North Korea have a combined active and reserve military of 7 million soldiers. The U.S.A. only have a combined number of 2 million. So if it came to war America would outweigh the Koreans 3 to 1

..................

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  #1085  
Old 04-05-2017, 12:21 PM
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Yesterday my neighbour played the same Lionel Ritchie song over & over at full blast!
I wouldn't mind normally, but it was all night long.

...................

My brother was so mean when I was a child.
He used to glue the pages of his porn magazines together so I couldn't look at them.

...................

Kevin is doing really well on Who Want's to be a Millionaire. He's got £125,000 with three lifelines left.

Chris says, "OK Kevin, for £250,000 which one of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers? Was it A) Ronnie Biggs B) Ronnie O'Sullivan C) Ronnie Corbett D) Ronnie Wood. Take your time."

Kevin says, "I'll take the money Chris."

Chris replies, "Are you sure Kevin, you've still got three lifelines left?"

Kevin says, "I'm sure Chris, I'll take the money."

Chris replies, "OK audience, give Kevin a big round of applause, but before you go Kevin I'm sure you'd like to know the answer?"

Kevin says, "I already know the answer Chris."

Chris replies, "You know the answer? You just turned down a quarter of a Million quid, are you mad, are you mental?"

Kevin says, "I may be Mental Chris, but I'm no frickin' grass!

.....................

News: Trump would be "honoured" to meet North Korean dictator.
“He’s my kind of guy — crazy, overweight and has a ridiculous haircut." Said North Korea's dictator.

.....................

I took the wife to an art gallery today, she was looking at picture when she said, "
I suppose this monstrosity is what you call art." I said, "No, that's a fucking mirror."

.....................

My Grandad gave me some sound advice when he was on his deathbed.
He said "it's worth investing in some decent speakers".

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My mate just told me he needs major surgery: he's having half his intestine removed.
(excuse my grammar that should be a semi-colon)

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I took an old vase to The Antiques Roadshow, and they told me it was 'absolutely priceless'.
Well I just got eight quid for it at a car boot sale, so who's laughing now?

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My grandfather was too old for the war , but his body was never found after the blitz. He was declared missing in Acton.

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A passenger turned violent at Tokyo Airport on a plane bound for the United States. I don't blame him. If any bastard tried to fly me to that shithole, I'd turn violent.

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When I was younger I was adopted by two gay men. I had to leave shortly afterwards. I didn't like the way I was being reared.

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Last night, I got questioned for two hours about a young girl found raped and murdered behind the MiniMarket at the weekend.
Weirdest pub quiz I've ever taken part in.

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I was hoping the big news coming from Buckingham Palace was , they were moving because of the bedroom tax.

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What's the difference between whatsapp and my wife?
Whatsapp went down on me last night!

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How can anybody belong to a religion where some of its adherents believe in beheading people? Why can't they belong to something nice like the Church of England, founded by our very own Henry the Eigh.....oh shit.

....................

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  #1086  
Old 05-05-2017, 12:22 PM
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Women are like cheese. They come in different shapes, colours, and with various sized holes. Mature one's have blue veins running through them. And they always go down easier with wine.

...................

I walked up to a girl in a bar last night and said,

"You look like somebody with a boring sex life.
My mission tonight is to get you drunk, take you back to my house and give you the best love you ever had."

She said, "My boyfriend is right behind you."

"Good," I replied. "I'm glad I've got his support."

...................

A young Jewish boy was knocked down and killed on the road outside my house last night. His family have been out there all day, drawing flowers on the lamppost.

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I put my phone under my pillow last night.
When I woke up it was gone and there was a pound coin in it's place.
Fucking Bluetooth fairy!

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If you kill yourself , it's called suicide .If you kill someone , it's called homicide .If you kill thousands , it's called genocide .If you kill the King , it's called regicide .If you kill your brother , it's called fratricide .And , if you have 2 Premier League teams , and neither have won the League for over 20 years , it's called Merseyside .

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Last week I updated my CV by adding 'Heavy Indian accent with limited English Speaking Vocabulary.'
Just been offered three jobs at call centres.

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I treat my women like I treat my cars.
I get drunk and drive them away.

....................

My Dad keeps a picture of me in his wallet, next to the condom where I was supposed to be.

....................

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  #1087  
Old 06-05-2017, 05:35 PM
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My girlfriend said if I don’t do page 7 of the Kama Sutra she will leave me.
It put me in a very difficult position.

..................

I caught the wife masturbating during a Rowan Atkinson movie earlier.
She loves a good Bean flick.

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I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper.
ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!
£35,000 - £40,000
So I rang them and said, "The answer is -£5,000"

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I've just split up with my girlfriend.

She's an English teacher.

She disapproved with my misuse of the colon.

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'Alpacin Caffeine shampoo, German engineering for your hair'
Anyone else concerned about trusting German shower products

..................

A woman stopped me in the street this morning and asked if I'd ever considered changing my energy provider.
I said, "No, I'm quite happy with food."

..................

I got fired from Metropolitan police today.
Apparently, it's inappropriate to yell "Pikachu!" While I taser people.

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Guys with fake tans - Because there's no sunlight in the closet.

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A woman in the street holding a clip-board stopped me and asked me which grooming products I used.
I don't think "Haribo's and puppy dogs" was the answer she was looking for.

..................

What do the Special Olympics and a hand job have in common?

You appreciate the effort but you could do it better.

..................

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  #1088  
Old 07-05-2017, 02:40 PM
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Poo jokes aren't my favourite but they are a solid number two.

....................

Tottenham Hotspur have just announced the discovery of a natural spring under the White Hart Lane pitch.

They're bottling it.

...................

It's 3:00 A.M. and Goldie wakes up to see her husband pacing the floor. "Morris, why can't you sleep?" she asks him.

"You know our next door neighbor, Sam. I borrowed $1000 from him, and it's due tomorrow morning and I don't have the money.
I don't know what I'm going to do." Morris replies.

Goldie gets out of bed and opens the window. "Sam!" she shouts, and several times more, "Sam! Sam!"

Finally a very groggy Sam opens the window opposite her and yells back, "What, what is it? It's 3 AM, what do you want?"

Goldie says, "You know the $1000 my husband owes you? He doesn't have it."

She then slams the window shut and turns to Morris and says, "Now you go to sleep and let Sam pace the floor."

..................

Some local yobs stole 20 crates of Red Bull from our local corner shop.
I don't know how the bastards sleep at night.

..................

Whenever I get in the car after my wife has driven it I always have to put things back where they were.
The seat, the mirrors, the airbags....

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Mum: "Oh dear, our lads underpants were covered in spunk when I put them in the wash this morning. "
Dad: "Now't wrong with that, just not cleaning his cock properly when he's had a wank. All us blokes have done it you know. "
Mum: "The stains were in the back. "

...................

In their 2010 manifesto, the Conservative Party promised 'to put thousands more police on the streets of Britain'.
And they've kept their promise.
This week alone I've met four tramps who used to be coppers.

...................

The Monkees have anounced dates for their unpcoming UK tour
London 6th May
Manchester 13th May
Glasgow 20th May
Hartlepool CANCELLED

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A woman is like the roof of a shed.
If you don't nail them hard enough, they'll go next door.

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It's 2 years ago today Errol Brown died.
You don't remember him do you?

...................

A gay friend of mine was watching a Gorilla in the zoo playing with irs huge cock. He said to me, "Do you think he'd mind if I stroked it?" I said, "Give it a try". He stroked the gorilla's cock and the Gorilla promptly dragged him into the cage and gave him a good shafting. I visited him in Hospital and asked, "Does it still hurt?" "Of course it fucking hurts", he said. The bastard hasn't even bothered to phone or ask how I am".

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I used to date a Jewish girl, but it didn't end well. One time I invited her round to my place for a curry. She turned up and said, "How's dinner coming along?" I replied, "Well, I've just put your Naan in the oven."

...................

kim kardashian has 99 problems because her IQ is one.

...................

Why do riot police like to get to work early?

To beat the crowd.

...................

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  #1089  
Old 08-05-2017, 12:29 PM
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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

.......................

What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year?
A trophy.

.......................

There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female.
If it squirts in your eye without warning, it's a male.
If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

.......................

If you say "strong and stable" three times into a mirror then Theresa May will appear and close your local A&E

.......................

I couldn't pick the criminal out of the police line up.
They all looked the same with their uniforms, badges and guns.

.......................

If Theresa May wants a strong and stable cabinet she should just go to Ikea and then shut the fuck up about it.

.......................

My mate was hit by a drum kit the other day.
The doctor says he's got percussion

.......................

When I was younger, I jammed a scrabble tile into my Nerf gun and shot my brother at close range in the forehead, killing him instantly.
I didn't mean to kill him though, I thought it was a blank.

.......................

I just put nearly 400 pounds on a horse.
My wife wanted to go riding, poor fucking horse.

.......................

So I just heard the news--a macaroon just defeated a pen for the french presidency.

.......................

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  #1090  
Old 09-05-2017, 01:09 PM
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I'm pissed off with my girlfriend!
She's got a new top that says "Stop staring at my tits!"
In braille!

..................

The police raided my flat this morning and arrested me for growing cannabis.

Thank fuck for that, I thought the were after my laptop.

..................

My mate went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back. Half way through he said, "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand." The tattooist said "For fuck sake, give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban!"

..................

How many Diane Abbotts does it take to change a light bulb?
One wait...
Two wait...
3.9 billion

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So after winning the game, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd, like they do on the T.V...apparently.... it's unacceptable in bowling.

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I'm banned from coming within 100 yards of the local nursery.
I'm not bothered... I'm not that keen a gardener anyway.

..................

Worst Chat-up line ever....
Are you a school? Because I wanna shoot kids inside you.

..................

What do you call an Indian man who works on a telecomms help desk?
Brian

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Some would say the cup is half-full. Others would say the cup is half-empty. I just say it's about time I found a girlfriend with bigger tits.

..................

What do you call Will.i.am's lazy brother?
Will.i.fuck

..................

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  #1091  
Old 10-05-2017, 12:46 PM
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Mate asked me to be usher at his wedding.
I said I'd try & learn couple of his songs but I won't be able to do the dance routines.

...................

I've had a terrible day so far.
I tried to remember the Macarena and wound up telling a deaf bloke I fucked his wife!

...................

I want to stop smoking so my mate said to me, "try the E things."

It's not worked, I'm still smoking but now I can't stop dancing.

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Halal meat - how you greet your friends if you live in Newcastle.

....................

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.

The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'.''

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb fuck put him up there to begin with."

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If you say "gullible" really slowly, it sounds like lemons.

...................

Old McDonald made a bomb
i e, i e, d

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I'd been fucking this woman for ages, just as I was about to cum, I whipped my cock out and shot all over my her face: "You dirty bastard" she moaned, "you could have told me." "No chamce" I replied, "I'm a bus driver, I don't give any warning when I'm pulling out."

...................

My dads been struggling with his funeral business and asked me if I could help out. Reluctantly I've said yes, and start this coming Monday.
On the phones at the Samaritans.

...................

Unlucky to be Robert Miles.
When you say he's died and people are like ? who was he.
And you say he was the guy who did children....

...................

My boss fired me today for indecent use of the office computer. I thought I had managed to close the porn browser just before he came into the room. I was right. I was fired for masturbating to the company's balance sheets.

...................

My wife researched her family tree recently and discovered she is a direct descendant of the Hitler family, which has shocked me to the core. She's the nicest, most tolerant person I've ever known and wouldn't harm a fly, so I'm finding it incredibly hard to believe. Although it does explain the moustache.

....................

Some people believe it's lucky if a bird shits on you. There is a name for these people.... German pornstars!

....................

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  #1092  
Old 11-05-2017, 01:13 PM
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I put my phone under my pillow last night.
When I woke up it was gone and there was a pound coin in it's place.
Fucking Bluetooth fairy!

..................

An entire city has gone missing in Yorkshire!!
Police are looking for Leeds.

..................

Can bald people get hairline fractures?

..................

Two cows in a field in Scotland, which ones on holiday?
The one with the wee calf.

..................

Women can argue for 3 hours straight!
But..
Two minutes into a blowjob their "jaw is aching"

..................

ITV1+1 So that people on benefits don't have to get up so early to watch Jeremy Kyle.

..................

Somewhere in Ireland a teacher asks her class:

"Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend?"

Young Paddy raises his hand and says, "Trudy Glenn Miss”.

"No Paddy ," says the teacher. "The answer is Maid Marion."

But Miss, what about that song we used to sing,

"Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding Trudy Glenn."

.................

I got chatting to a bird last night and went back to her place.
After having sex, she turned to me and said. "I hope you're not one of these guys who's gonna get up and leave in the morning without even an explanation!"
"Not me," I replied. "I'm leaving now."

.................

How many dyslexics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Steven.

.................

After a night on the session I got pulled over by the police in the early hours of the morning, As I stumbled out of my car the copper started checking my number plate, got on his radio and said " Charlie, Whiskey, Tango"
I thought "how the fuck does he know what I've been doing tonight"

.................

On the way home from the pub I was stopped by a cop.
"You've only got one eye," he said, "You shouldn't be driving a motor vehicle."
"It's alright," I replied, "I'm so pissed, I've got double vision."

.................

Thinking about it now,when she said "we should spice up our sex life" smearing chilli powder on her fanny was probably not what she meant!

.................

I found a young homeless girl hidden out by the bins last night. She was dirty and didn't smell too good but, underneath the grime, I could see she was pretty and had a good body. I brought her inside and gave her a bath. As I was toweling off her naked body, I became aroused and one thing led to another. Before I knew it, I was making passionate love to her. I was banging her so hard that a couple of times you'd have sworn she was alive.

.................

Can't wait to go on the new ride at Drayton Manor.
The Air Ambulance

.................

I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.

That priest is in jail now.

.................

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Old 12-05-2017, 02:51 PM
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The Beach Boys walk into a bar.....
'Round?'
'Round?'
'Get a round'
'I get a round?'
'Get a round.....'

.................

Sick of hearing about the Labour Party and the Conservative Party when everyone knows there ain't no Party like an S Club Party!

.................

The mother of a 7 year old muslim boy from Oldham who was kidnapped and taken to Syria to fight for Isis has made an emotional appeal.
Can someone please cover his shift in the shop this weekend?

.................

Andrew the drover from a huge cattle station in the Australian outback appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the drover offered.
"Once, on a trip to the back blocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off, or I'll kick the shit out of the lot of ya!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"A couple of minutes ago."

...................

My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with.
I probably should've stopped when I got to her.

...................

I remember my first time like it was yesterday, the long golden locks, noises like you've never heard anyone make before...
The jumpsuit...the Cigar...the sore bum.

...................

We sat with tears of laughter in our eyes and as the programme ended my wife said, "God that was funny, when is it on again? "
"Don't worry, there will be plenty more Conservative broadcasts on before the election" I replied.

..................

"Dead or alive, you're coming with me."
Great movie quote, terrible chat-up line.

.................

I won first place in a political correctness competition the weekend...
Though to be fair, so did everyone else.

.................

I shared a 99 with the wife earlier.
It was a 69 with a flake in her fanny.

.................

A big thanks to my legal team getting my rape charge reduced to "Assault with a friendly weapon"

.................

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Old 13-05-2017, 01:04 PM
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I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer.
I said 'I want to sue the airline'
He replied 'You don't have much of a case'.

.................

Three Irishmen are sat in a pub. Mick says, "Women are so stupid. My wife just bought a car and she can't even drive!" Seamus says, "That's nothing. My wife's on a diet and she's not even fat!" Paddy says,"That's fuck all. My wife's taken 30 Condoms to Benidorm and she hasn't even got a cock!"

.................

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.

He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him.

When she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's cocks in your mouth?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my FRICKIN' cooking again!!!!!"

...................

There once was a girl called Alice
Used a dynamite stick as a phallus
They found her vagina in North Carolina
and her arsehole in Buckingham Palace

...................

No matter how hard you push a pencil, it'll still be stationary!

...................

I got barred from Weight watchers today. It wasn't even my fault, it was the fat bitch next to me who spilled her box of Maltesers onto the floor in the middle of the room. All I did was say that it was the funniest game of Hungry Hungry Hippos that I had ever seen.

...................

I've Just heard that the Llib dems are promising to legalise Weed if elected.
I'm voting Lib Dem.
My dealer's voting Conservative.

...................

Dear Deirdre. My boyfriend's a right dick! He told me the best cure for constipation was anal sex. I didn't believe him but after some persuasion, he talked me into it and I let him stick his big fat knob into my tiny little arsehole. He shagged me up the bum really hard then after a while, shot his muck, deep into my bowels. He's just rung me this morning saying he wants to try it again as he's still constipated. What should I do?
Sharon of Essex

...................

The NHS has been crippled by a massive cyber attack that will need to be resolved by an IT specialist.
Unfortunately the average appointment wait time is 8-10 months.

...................

If an American ever says "If it wasn't for America you would be speaking German" Gently remind them "If it wasn't for the English you would be communicating in smoke signals"

...................

Whats brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr Dre

...................

How many people with ADHD does it take to change a...ooh, BUTTERFLY!

...................

The NHS has been brought to its knees today by a cyberattack.
I guess they'd better privatise it as soon as possible. That'll keep amoral money-minded scumbag types from trying to bleed every penny they can out of it.

...................

I'm not surprised at what has happened with the NHS today.
They couldn't sort out my virus either.

...................

Hacker: NHS, give us all your money.
NHS: HAHAHAHAHAHA! What, both pound coins we have to spare?
Hacker: ...But what about that 350 million you won't be paying to the EU, don't you have that?
NHS: Lets not go there, shall we...

...................

I can remember being traumatised as a kid when I saw a woman with two dicks on one of my favourite shows.
I don't know why, but Rod, Jane and Freddy just freaked me out.

...................

I'm not suspicious of ATOS and the DWP but after the hacking of the NHS I decided it check my medical records online and would you believe it, my leg has grown back.

...................

Why did the French chef commit suicide?
Because he'd lost his huile d'olive

...................

the NHS have issued a statement that as consequence of last nights cyber attack this will result in a poorly managed service........no fuckin change there then !!

...................

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Old 14-05-2017, 12:46 PM
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I'm in a band called "Dyslexia"
We've just released our greatest shit album!

...................

My mum asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public.
I said maybe...

...................

I saw a neighbour jogging yesterday and thought, "Wow, finally she's decided to do something about her fat arse."
Then I realised she was running after the ice-cream van.

...................

I can't believe that you can still get Linda McCartney sausages.
I thought that they would have used her up by now.

...................

I went to a colostomy support group with my mate Dave last night.
I wish I never went, it was a bag of shit.

...................

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  #1096  
Old 15-05-2017, 12:43 PM
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My mate just asked me, "If you were stuck on a desert island, and you could have 3 records, what would they be?"
I said, "The long distance swimming one would be good!"

..................

I said to my four-year-old son, "Now, what noise does a cat make?"

"Miaow!"

"Good, but do you know what noise a dog makes?"

"Woof woof!"

"That's right! Now tell me what noise a cow makes?"

"David, if you even think about going out to that pub with your friends then you can forget about ever being let back in this house!"

"That's my boy."

....................

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it."

The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch.

"Wow," says the driver to his wife.

"I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!

....................

When it comes to fucking up the punchline I've been there, done that, got the tea cup.

....................

I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them.
He said, “By mistake?”
I said, “Oh fuck off, not you as well!”

....................

News: Company introduces robot that makes salad.
Finally, a robot that won't take any American jobs.

....................

I found out two things today.
1. My computer will always be better than me at chess.
2. I'm better than it at kick boxing.

....................

I took my old man out for a pint yesterday. I'm now barred from the pub, and due up in court for indecent exposure.

....................

Wife is going through the menopause so I bought her a cake to cheer her up...
dry sponge cake with no jam in it...

....................

'Yo mama' jokes are old, common and have been done by everyone.
Just like yo mama.

...................

The news that Ian Brady is receiving compassionate care on his deathbed has caused outrage amongst the people of Britain. Come on people......the man was an Arsenal legend for fuck sake.

...................

My Wife burnt a 1000 calories yesterday.
Silly cow left the pizza in the oven.

...................

When I was very young my Grandfather would take me along a little path into the middle of the woods. There was a stream with a narrow rickety old bridge and we'd spend ages stood there playing poo sticks.
It didn't half make my bum sore!

....................

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Old 16-05-2017, 01:14 PM
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Paddy asked his wife what she want's for her birthday. She said, "I'd love a black iPad."

So he punched her.

.................

I went to Dubai recently on holiday and I was offered 20 Camels in exchange for my wife.
I don't actually smoke but I thought fuck it, best offer I'm likely to get.

.................

Ed came home drunk, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife
and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ed."

Ed was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to
live for. Send me back!" St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm
near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with
feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past.

"So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"

"Not bad," replied Ed the hen, "but I have this strange feeling
inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've
never laid an egg before?"

"Never," said Ed.

"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard... "Ed, wake up! You shittin' the bed!"

.................

Moors Murderer Ian Brady has died at the age of 79.
Hopefully they'll bury the cunt in an unmarked grave and then refuse to tell his relatives where it is.

.................

I rung up work this morning.. "My wife died last night."
I explained. "I'm going to need some time off."
"Oh my goodness, that's awful." Replied the secretary. "We understand though, take as much time off as you need."
"Thank you." I said. "It'll be about eighteen years, if I behave myself."

..................

I bumped into my ex-wife in town today.
I had to mount the pavement first though.

..................

I'm having some problems with my new Staffordshire Bull Terrier- I rang the vet for some advice.
I explained he was brown, stupid, aggressive and liable to attack anyone for no good reason.
The vet replied " Muzzle 'im? "
No, I said- I think he's an atheist.

..................

Went to a quiz night the other night and this question came up:"Who was the last member of the royal family to be executed?"
Apparently "Diana" was incorrect.

..................

Can anyone help me? I'm stuck on a crossword puzzle.
The clue is "Where they nailed Jesus" - 2 across.

..................

"Here's my chihuahua in a Gucci hat and sunglasses. And here she is with her Chanel coat and booties," said my blind date.
It seems we had very different ideas when she said, "back to mine for some doggy fashion..."

..................

I went out on the piss with my mate last night and he said I could crash on his sofa. His living room is now wrecked and my car is a fucking right off.

...................

A women on the street asked me if I could spare a few minutes for cancer research.
I said alright, though we won't get much done

...................

What do you called a doped-up Jamaican?
Tokemon

...................

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Old 17-05-2017, 01:12 PM
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Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask
You something...

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if
I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage,

why then did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied, "Because this is Halfords."

...............

A cash machine just charged me £2 for a transaction but still told me to cover my PIN to prevent me from being robbed. Pretty ironic if you ask me.

................

A woman hurriedly went into the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.

She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP.

Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag.
He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home.
Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.

She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday; I was in prison for car theft."

The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional.”

..............

How do you milk sheep?
Release another iPhone

..............

I was watching porn last night when my Nan walked in. Not the best way to find out what she does for a living.

..............

My girlfriend pulled up a chair and said "we need to talk about our future"
I said "Yeah, it's gonna be fucking mental, we'll have flying cars. shiny silver space suits and holidays on the moon"
I'm now single

..............

Monopoly 2012 UK edition:-
the jail has no spaces left - there's no free parking - no-one can buy any houses because they can't get a mortgage - win or lose, you still have to bail out the banker

..............

A Jamaican walks into a bank with a 25kg bag of marijuana and hands it over to the cashier...
Shocked, the cashier asks..'What's this for?'
The Rastafarian replies..'Me here to open a joint account'

..............

Ian Brady and Myra Hindley are reincarnated as brother and sister,
"This isn't so bad after the shit we got up to last time, " said Brady. "Do you think so?" replied Hindley, "Jimmy Savile's our dad. "

..............

I took my misses out yesterday
Fucking brilliant shot

..............

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Old 18-05-2017, 01:47 PM
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The only way you'll lose weight from drinking green tea is when you climb up a mountain and pick it yourself.

...................

A new version of the world map has been drawn. The North Pole is at the top, the South Pole is at the bottom, and all the other poles are in Britain.

...................

I'm going to a fancy dress party as a sweet shop owner.
I just tried on my outfit and my wife said "give me a twirl", I thought blimey, it must be convincing.

...................

I have a tendency to not listen to people properly.
The doctor says it's because I've got 80HD.

...................

There's a new Gillette razor designed for dyslexics.
It's the best thing since sliced beard.

...................

I think my wife sells drugs.
Just as I was going to work this morning the phone rang and when I answered it the bloke on the other end said " has that dope gone yet ?"

...................

Me and my mate went to a sex club where absolutely every fantasy is catered for:
"I feel like a kid in a sweet shop" I said.
"I know, so what are you going to go for?" he asked.
"You heard."

...................

Suicide bombers
What makes them tick?

...................

I tried to do a good deed today by raising money for the family of the girl who died at Drayton Manor, and I got called an 'insensitive cunt'!
That's the last charity wet t-shirt competition I host.

...................

I told my mate I was going to the capital of Burkina Faso for a holiday. "Ouagadougou?" he asked
"Push pineapple shake a tree" I replied.

...................

Theresa May just said, “I like my democracy like I, like my ballot boxes – interfered with, like my child abuse investigation”

....................

The person who invented human cloning has died.
He will be attending his funeral tomorrow.

....................

I got called into the office today, to get bollocked for delegating all my work out.
Well, my twin brother did.

....................

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Old 19-05-2017, 01:15 PM
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Went to the gym & there's a new machine!
Used it for an hour & felt sick
Its good though, it does everything Kitkats, Mars bars, Snickers

................

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

...............

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless reply.

...............

My wife's an animal in bed.
Pity it's a fucking sloth.

...............

"Tell me honestly, are you guilty?" asked my lawyer, "It doesn't make a difference to me, but I don't want to be surprised in court."
"Yes, I raped and murdered all of those prostitutes," I admitted.
"That's very interesting," he said, "But let's get back to this shoplifting charge now."

...............

Donald Trump has claimed he is the worst-treated politician in history.
JFK would be shaking his head. If he had any of it left.

...............

What's blue and fucks old ladies? Hypothermia, (yawn).
What's blue and fucks everyone? The Conservative 2017 election manifesto.

...............

I had to give up my seat on a United Airlines flight today.
Apparently, I was selected for my lack of upper body strength.

...............

My wife has a foot fetish.
Sadly, I can only give her four inches.

...............

My missus has OCD and it's an absolute nightmare.
Everytime I get turned on, she turns me off again.

...............

Since splitting up with my girlfriend, I’ve been feeling pretty lonely at times. Last night it came to a head, lying naked and horny in bed I did something I haven’t needed to do for quite a long time. I rolled over and cuddled the wife.

...............

My window cleaner knocked on ma door today shouting and swearing.
I thought, Fuck me he's lost his rag!!..

...............

I was standing at the urinals next to a midget when i noticed him winking at me.
I turned my back a bit but when i looked around he was still winking at me, So i said, What's your problem do you fancy me or something.
He said, No you cunt, Your splashing my eyes.

...............

I can't afford anti-depressants so I'm just drinking No More Tears Shampoo.

...............

David Cameron got caught with his cock in a pig.

He's not as brave as John Major, he stuck his in a curry

...............

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Old 20-05-2017, 12:29 PM
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Just been in hospital having a large mole removed from my penis.
Won't be shagging one of those again!

.................

I was going to tweet a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.

.................

I don't mind going to work, it's just the 8 hour wait to go home I can't stand.

.................

We couldn't decide whether to have Granny buried or cremated.
So we let her live.

.................

I asked a Jamaican triangle player what kind of sound he made.
He told me to fuck off.

..................

Winnie the Poo
Possibly the most vindictive chapter in Nelson Mandela's Autobiography.

..................

Rolf Harris was asked by a reporter whats he doing tonight?
"Might get a DVD" he replied.
"Aladdin maybe?
Fuck off I'm in enough shit already

..................

It was only after I'd shot my 4th Zombie that I wondered why they were carrying sweets and ringing my doorbell.

..................

There were ten in the bed and the little one said, "These fucking N.H.S. cuts are ridiculous."

..................

When I was a kid I bought a chocolate bar and inside the wrapper it said 'You're a loser'. I wouldn't have minded if there was some sort of a competition on.

..................

I lost my job teaching bluegrass music at the summer camp.
Too much fiddling with the kids, I guess.

..................

Most Americans suffer with an overactive...... Knife and fork.

..................

Police Officer: "Did you know you were doing 60 in a 30 zone?
I have reason to believe you're taking drugs."
Driver: "You're only saying I'm on drugs because I'm black."
Police: "It has nothing to do with you being black."
Driver: "How do you know I'm on drugs then?"
Police: "You haven't got a fucking car."

..................

My time machine landed slap bang in the middle of Hitlers living room in 1940, I thought now's my chance to change the world,

"Please sir," I pleaded, "don't gas the Jews."

"Gas the Jews?" Hitler replied, "h'mm, I hadn't thought of that."

..................

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Old 21-05-2017, 06:46 PM
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Last night I bought an alcoholic ginger beer.
He wasn't happy about it.

....................

So Katie Price was on Celebrity Deal or No Deal the other day.
Jesus Christ, it's been a bloody long time since she can claim to have been the owner of a tightly sealed box.

.....................

McDonald's were giving away 18-month old, badly behaved, kids and 10 Mayfair fags to any white girl in a tracksuit aged between 12 and 15 yesterday. Or so it seemed.

.....................

Jeremy Corbyn is an idealistic , quietly spoken , decent human-being who is shortly going to get slaughtered at the polls.
Pity he wasn't an idealistic loud-mouthed xenophobic ignorant sexual predator. He might have got elected.

.....................

"G'Day mate, Aussie help line here..........What's the problem,.... Cobber?"
"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."
"Bummer, mate...!!!"
"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that. Bye."

.....................

I was watching a porn clip online earlier.
It was titled, 'Lawyer fucks client'.
It was filed under the category 'Reality'.

......................

'If you and your mate are arguing over who should get the last slice of pizza and one of you shouts out "Dance off!" what happen?' I asked. 'Well, the two of you dance until you decide which one has the better moves, then give that person the slice of pizza,' the Judge replied. 'But what does it have to do with the rape allegation?' 'Well, the lass and I were arguing over a bus seat and she yelled "Fuck off!"'

......................

Giving a speech in Saudi Arabia, Donald Trump called for Muslims to 'drive extremists out'.
Afterwards, the Saudis sent a limo for him.

......................

I hate it when people say 'size doesn't matter'.

It makes me feel as if I have a huge cock for nothing.

......................

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Old 22-05-2017, 06:55 PM
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I once got an erection during a routine prostate examination.
I tried to laugh it off but it was so obvious.
Anyway.. I'm no longer a GP!

.................

I hate being the only drunk person at a party!!
I've totally ruined my 5 year old's birthday.

.................

Women are like fine wines.
You can get them cheaper if you go abroad.

.................

My best mate passed away yesterday so I went to see his wife today.
I said, "Look on the bright side, at least he's not suffering anymore."
She said, "He wasn't ill, he died all of a sudden."
I said, "I know, I meant being married to you!"

..................

"I love you lots, snuggles." The girlfriend announced earlier.
"And I love you tons." I replied.
"Oh, I see." She said, in a huff. "You've got no nickname for me, then?" Sometimes I swear the fat cunt's going deaf.

..................

When you think about it The Merry-go-round is just a sushi restaurant for paedophiles

..................

I remember going to see Dr. Hook in the 70s.
Worst prostate exam ever

..................

News: Trump to visit Saudi Arabia, Israel and the Vatican this week.
The cradles of America's three great religions -- Christianity, Judaism and Oil.

..................

The Conservative election manifesto promises to create 10,000 new mental health nursing posts in the UK.
Christ, we'll need a lot more than that if those cunts get in again.

..................

I got my missus absolutely shitfaced last night.
I introduced her to coprophilia.

..................

Newton's Third Law of Women:
For every male action, there is a female overreaction.

..................

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Old 23-05-2017, 03:36 PM
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What do Theresa May and Wayne Rooney have in common?
They both want to fuck your Nan.

.................

I hate breakups. Especially when they try to let you down gently
"Its not you, its me"
"I just need some space"
"We can still be cousins"

.................

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor, and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if he was alright.

The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself.

Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here alone?"

"Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the frickin’ goalie."

....................

I met a girl in the club and we got on so well I asked if I could go back to her flat and have sex.
"I'm sorry" she said "but I'm on my menstrual cycle"
"That's OK " I said "you lead the way and I'll follow on my Honda 50"

....................

Just got the new Renault Mccann.
I parked it outside earlier and now I can't find it.

....................

I think my wife is going insane.
She said "Honey, can you unload the dish washer please?"
Next thing you know, she'll be asking the marmalade to take out the bins.

....................

My young daughter asked me this morning, "Daddy, what were you and Mummy doing in the bedroom last night?
I could hear a buzzing noise, then Mummy started to scream."
"Nothing, darling," I replied. It was then I burst out laughing as my wife walked down the stairs with her half-shaved head.

....................

Going to watch the new Fast and Furious film to see if I can spot Theresa May.
She's amazing at doing 180 degree turns!

....................

I was in the park yesterday, watching an old man feed the birds and after a while I thought to myself...
I wonder how long he's been dead...

....................

I think Captain Scarlet was Asperger's; he was definitely in The Spectrum.

....................

I went to a vegan restaurant once.
Wait no..It was a florist.

....................

I've just bought myself a Theresa May voice pack for my Sat Nav.

All it says is: "Perform a U-turn where possible."

....................

Gillette. The best a man can get.

There's me thinking it was two hookers, some Jack Daniels and a bag of coke.

....................

My neighbour stuck her head over the fence and said 'Hey..how would you like to come over and fuck my big fat ass?'
I said 'Eh..sure why not!!'
She said 'Good..hes sitting on the couch asking for sex...im off to the pub'

.....................

I persuaded my wife to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse.
I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

......................

After years of having to explain the rules of football to my wife, she decided to take a refereeing course, and its completely ruined my sex life.

Any contact in the box and it's an instant red card.

......................

I bought a self-help tape the other day.

It was called "How to handle disappointment."

When I opened the box, it was empty.

......................

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Old 24-05-2017, 12:38 PM
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Because of the hot weather over the next few days my boss has said we can bring shorts in.

Jack Daniels it is then!

..................

My Mum always used to say to me, "Always go for ugly women, that way you know they'll always be faithful."
Clearly she's never fucking watched the Jeremy Kyle show.

..................

I'm opening a gym today that teaches people power walking and door knocking.

I'm calling it, 'Jehovah's Fitness'.

..................

Apparently, Trump was a bit uncomfortable on his recent trip to Saudi Arabia. "These aren't the types of men in white robes that I'm used to," he said.

..................

I farted today and it smelt so bad I blamed it on the dog.
It's a good job he's been dead 6 months otherwise I'd have never got away with it.

..................

I got kicked out of my local library today. . .
Just for moving the McCanns' book, "Madelaine", to the Murder Mysteries section.

..................

Viagra have released their new pill:- the "Viagra 007".
It enables a man to Roger Moore....

..................

Daddy, what are clouds made of?

Linux servers, mostly.

..................

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Old 25-05-2017, 04:24 PM
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The football season is now over, better talk to my wife.
I wonder what she's been up to for the past 9 months?

................

79% of accidents happen in the home.

Finally some good news for the homeless.

.................

A grandson came to visit his grandparents & noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocker, wearing only a shirt, naked from the waist down.

"Grandpa, whatcha' doing? Your privates are out in the wind for all to see!" he exclaimed.

Grandpa looked off in the distance, not answering.

"Grandpa, whatcha' doin' sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

Grandpa looked at him & said, "Last week I sat here with no shirt on & got a stiff neck. This is grandma's idea..."

................

The death penalty for terrorists is being discussed in parliament and the house of lords again.
Those suicide bombers must be shitting themselves.

................

Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples. "Thirteen glasses of water please," Jesus said to the barman, winking at the others.

................

I've decided to enter the TV singing contest for schizophrenics - The Voices

................

The Irishman thought Mow the grass was a Jewish informer

................

Why do women have to put a label on everything?
Can't we just be two people who enjoy spending time together?
But no, I have to be her "stalker."

................

News: Florida parents outraged over classroom video showing students twerking and lap dancing.
Or as it’s called in America, Career Day.

................

My girlfriend is really kinky but really hard to understand.
She tells me that she is into donkey punching during sex, then freaks when I buy a donkey.

................

What's the difference between the Titanic and the US intelligence agency? The Titanic had less leaks!

................

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Old 26-05-2017, 08:08 PM
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I think the wife's taken the news of James Bonds death really badly.

I came home from work early, and she's upstairs in the bedroom screaming "Roger, more, Roger, more"
So I left her to it.

.................

The 2022 World Cup will be held in Qatar, a country where you cannot drink alcohol.

This will be the one World Cup the Scots will ironically qualify for.

.................

Thinking of getting rid of the wife, British Gas say they will give me £50 for my old boiler.

.................

A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby.

Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him, “Congratulations, your wife has had quins, five big baby boys."

The redneck said, "Well, I'm not surprised. I have a penis on me like a fucking chimney."

The nurse replied, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned. They’re all black.

..................

Sometimes when you cry, no one sees your tears.
Sometimes when you are worried, no one sees your pain.
Sometimes when you are happy, no one sees your smile.
But fart just one time...

...................

My boss called me yesterday and said, "Where the hell are you?"
I said, "I'm relaxing in my garden with my mate Dave, I'm already on my 4th can of lager."
"I don't fucking believe you!" He shouted.
"Hang on," I said, holding the phone away from me, "Dave, isn't this my 4th can?"

...................

I once used my boobs to get out of a speeding ticket.
I flashed them at the policeman and he walked off in disgust saying, "Jesus, you need to go on a diet mate."

...................

Boy gets home from school and says,
"Dad, I've got a part in the school play
as a man who's been married for 25 years."
"Never mind Son," his Dad says,
"Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part !!

...................

I asked the wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?

...................

I was so embarrassed when I spilled a pint down myself.
The woman at the sperm bank asked, "Christ, how long have you gone without a wank?"

...................

I was at work yesterday and one of the women from the office asked me what my ring tone was.
'Light brown like everyone else' I replied. These women are certainly a lot more forward than they used to be !.

...................

I was thinking...It's a funny old world we live in...We had Empires run by Emperors...Then we had Kingdoms run by Kings...Now we have Countries run by...???

...................

I told my girlfriend i had a cock like a computer.She asked if it was cos it had loads of ram and a hard drive.
Oh, the surprise she got when she found out it was actually microsoft and full of viruses!!.

...................

Daily Mail online: "Masturbation may help prevent the common cold."
Hope so, I've got no tissues left..

...................

I'm a born survivor. My birth mark is in the shape of a coat hanger.

...................

I decided to try the ancient Chinese practice of using needles to get rid of back pain.
The heroin worked a treat for me.

...................

It was so hot today, I went to the park and battered some random Tosser to within an inch of his life.
Just for the downdraft from the air ambulance.

...................

That stupid bitch living across the road has only gone and phoned the police on me AGAIN! She stands in her bedroom window stark bollock naked and watches me while i have a wank, but apparently I'm the one who's a pervert!

...................

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Old 27-05-2017, 01:11 PM
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A 73 yr old woman is in court for streaking at the Chelsea Flower show.
She was let off with a caution but was awarded 1st prize for best dried bush arrangement.

..................

I must get my dyslexia sorted out.
I bought a car off ebay last week with no reserve.
The fucking thing won't go backwards.

..................

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.

..................

I went to the solicitor to change my will today but it turns out I can't leave all my money to an imaginary friend unless they have a church

..................

My colleague told me today he loved bank holiday weekends with a Monday off because he can say "See you next Tuesday" when he leaves and no-one bats an eyelid.
I just shouted "Theresa May" as I left. Same thing.

..................

"Katie Hopkins' TV chatshow axed"
Katie Hopkins axed sounds a lot better.

..................

Trampoline: Lube for hobos.

..................

Why does Theresa May always wear nice shoes?

Because she saves the flip flops for her manifesto.

..................

I will never forget the time i almost won Family Fortunes.

Who'd of thought that my wife wasn't something you would find in the kitchen.

..................

I stole some chocolate, by putting it under my cap; now there's a bounty on my head!

..................

The wife is complaining that the tumble dryer is shrinking all of her clothes and asked me to get rid of it.

I decided to cut out the middle man and get rid of the fridge instead.

..................

Today I donated a watch, a phone and my wallet to a poor guy.
You can't know the happiness I felt as I saw him put his knife back in his pocket.

..................

My wife as left me because i spent all our savings on a penis enlargement.

She couldn't take it any longer.

...................

Just bought some blue and white Tesco viagra, only gave me a semi but every little helps.

...................

"Will you shut up about snooker and make love to me, " said my wife.

"Of course darling I replied, "would you prefer I took the easy pink or shall I try for the tight brown?"

...................

My wife said, "I think we should do something really scary for the kids this Halloween."

I said, "We could take them to your mother's."

...................

Went in the motorway services today to buy a can of coke and a sandwich.

Got to the counter and said to the cashier "Sorry love, i've only got a £20 note."

"That's fine" she replied, "Just put the sandwich back."

...................

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Old 28-05-2017, 12:38 PM
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My wife turned to me in bed and said "I'm going to make you the happiest man in the world!"
I turned to her and said "I'll miss you!"

...................

The wife is the only one I've ever been with.
The rest were all 7's or higher.

..................,.

A plumber goes to a psychic and before he can say anything she says, "I can see great wealth in your future. "
"You could be right, " he said, "I'm here to fix your heating. "

....................

To the dickhead who accused me of following is wife home last night...
I know where you fucking live!!!

.....................

Q: How many Tory U-Turns does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Under the Strong And Stable™ leadership of Theresa May there will be no changes to any lightbulbs.
Clarification: Under the Strong And Stable™ Leadership of Theresa May all changes to lightbulbs will be means-tested.
Re-clarification: Under the Strong And Stable™ Leadership of Theresa May the number of changes to lightbulbs will be capped. Details of the cap will be announced after the General Election when we are pretty sure that voters will have forgotten about the original Tory Policy on changes to lightbulbs.

......................

The person who invented decorating needs fucking And the person who invented fucking needs decorating

......................

When one door closes, another opens.
These IKEA wardrobes are shit!!

......................

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Old 29-05-2017, 12:30 PM
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A man is like a shoelace.
He has to go through many holes before he ties the knot.

..................

When it's sunny I think 'Beer garden.'
When it rains I usually go to the pub for a while.
When it's snowing I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of Beer.
I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather.

..................

"This next song is about subtraction."
"Take it away boys."

..................

This girl on the bus was talking very loudly into the mobile glued to her ear.
"Excuse me," I said. "The whole bus doesn't want to hear your conversation."
"Chill out man," she replied. "I is jus' rappin' wiv me bro innit?"
I felt really guilty. If I'd known she had learning difficulties I wouldn't have mentioned it.

..................

A man walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. Librarian: "They're right behind you!"

..................

I don't see why Labour are always complaining that Tories don't care about climate change.
We closed all the coal mines back in the 80's, what more do they want?

..................

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as an alarm clock but I left early in a bad mood.
The people there kept winding me up all night

..................

The instructions on my microwave meal say 'stir and recover'
How tiring do they think stirring actually is?

..................

That advert where people aren't allowed to use an escalator or go to a park because they haven't voted is a bit one-sided.
They should show what happens after they've voted. . .
The same group getting stabbed in the back and kicked in the bollocks.

..................

When I travel, I always keep my drugs inside a little tub.
No customs officer is going to anal cavity search a fat eight year old boy.

..................

There is no such thing as 'American English'
There's the English language, and there are mistakes.

..................

Got pulled over by the police:
Police "Turn around"
Me "Every now and the I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round"
Police "Turn around"
Me "Bright eye's"
That's when I got tasered...

..................

I don't have time to write a joke about the death of John Noakes.
Here's one I prepared earlier.

..................

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