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  #1021  
Old 28-02-2017, 02:23 PM
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Happy Pancake Day!!
Tossers!

.................

The police have raided Justin Bieber's house looking for some dope.
They found him.

.................

"I got fired today," I told my mate,"for downloading porn on the work computer and causing everything to crash."

"That's a bit harsh", he replied.

"They don't fuck around at Air Traffic Control", I said.

.................

Of course Mo Farah is on drugs.

Silly fucker claims Quorn is tasty!

.................

I hate waking up hungover, eyebrows shaven off, with a dick drawn on my forehead.

Especially when I was drinking on my own last night!

..................

I pulled a Gypsy bird last night and she asked me if I wanted to go back to hers for a good time......
She wasn't kidding, I went on the Waltzer, the Ghost Train and the Dodgems and came home with a Goldfish....

..................

If a deaf kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

..................

I rang the RSPCA hotline to tell them that I had found six Badgers in a suitcase by the road.
The operator asked "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure" I replied "but that would explain the suitcase...."

...................

Why are Americans so good at shooting?

They have the best schools for it.

...................

Her parents wanted her to date someone of her own ethnicity.

But Polly wanted a cracker.

....................

A German walks into a library and asks for a book on war.

The librarian replies, "No mate, you'll lose it."

....................

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."
So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.

They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."

So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians."
There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd... "

..................

I think Google's a woman...

Because it won't let you finish a sentence without coming up with other suggestions.

..................

Pretty soon the only place you will be able to buy a Confederate flag will be the black market.

Oh the irony.

..................

Grandma's last words were, "Will you pull the...."

So I pulled the plug and then she was gone.

Sometimes I wonder if she was going to say, "curtains."

..................

What is the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?
I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

..................

My blonde wife called me at work and said she can't find her glasses, so I told her to use her contacts.

She rang me back an hour later to say she had called everyone in her phone and none of them knew where they were either.

..................

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  #1022  
Old 01-03-2017, 02:16 PM
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A bloke on a tractor has just driven past me shouting "The end of the world is nigh!!"
I think it was Farmer Geddon.

...................

What's the difference between a golf ball and a Nissan Leaf?
A golf ball can be driven 300 yards.

...................

A recent survey asked 100 sexually active woman if their twat twitched after sex.
Ninety-eight per cent replied, No, he just rolls over and goes to sleep.

....................

As i lay in bed,i felt a hand slowly reach down my boxer shorts, play with my balls and stroke my cock. It was nice but i wasn't in the mood. Not tonight i whispered. Im tired........
"It doesn't fucking work like that in here" , said my cell mate...

....................

Asked the missus for a wank last night, she started rubbing me with a key ring, perhaps it's just me but I felt like I was being fobbed off ..

....................

I phoned the local Radio Station today.

The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our Grand Star Prize"..

"That Fantastic!" I squealled out in delight.

"Feel Confident?" The presenter asked, "Its a Maths Question."

"Well, I've got an Oxford University Degree in Maths," I proudly replied, "and teach it my local college"

"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats to a Justin Beiber concert and to meet him back stage, what is 2+2"..???

"7" I replied..

.....................

There is now a proven link between smoking and depression.
At nearly ten quid a packet it's hardly fucking surprising, is it?.

.....................

I was devastated when my mother-in-law announced she only had three weeks left to live.
I'll never learn to dance in that time...

.....................

What do Liverpool and Richard the third have in common?

They both got buried in Leicester!

.....................

I'm not calling my wife fat but she woke me up at 3am this morning saying that she thought there were some burgers downstairs.

.....................

I wonder if Hitler might have been nicer to people if once in a while if someone had high-fived him back.

.....................

My girlfriend had a ladder in her tights.
The best shoplifter ever!

.....................

My girlfriend texted me earlier and asked me to do her when I got home and I'm not looking forward to it....
I'm useless at impressions.

.....................

Told my girlfriend to meet me at the gym and then stood her up.
Just wanted her to know 'We weren't working out'

.....................

My girlfriend treats me like a God.
She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she wants something....

.....................

I call my shoulders Corbyn and Blair because they ruined Labour for my mum.

.....................

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  #1023  
Old 02-03-2017, 02:31 PM
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Found a box of Viagra last night.
Bloody things didn't work.
Turns out they're past their swell by date.

..................

Neil Armstrong makes it to the moon and takes 5 pictures.
Girls go to the Pub and take 57!

...................

Dear Timex,
I'm pretty sure that if I end up 500 meters under water, I won't need a fuckin' watch anymore.

...................

Theresa May: "In some parts of Britain there are three generations of families where nobody has ever worked."

I think she's referring to Buckingham Palace....

...................

Can anyone remember the good old days when 'Binge Drinking' was known as 'Getting Pissed?'..

...................

I went on a blind date last night, we were getting on really well, and I asked her where she worked? she replied "at the supermarket"
"Cooperative" I asked?
she said "well I may be after a couple of Vodka's you smooth talking devil!".

...................

Men's Pearls of Wisdom😍
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......
15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't
16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, ' Don 't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!
18. Breasts are proof that men can focus on 2 things at a time!!

................

Women fucking drivers! I was behind one on my way home from work and she indicated to turn left and what does she go and do? She actually turns left!
How am I supposed to prepare myself with these fucking mind games?

................

As I started playing with my girlfriends pussy it was getting so wet ..

" you bastard " she shouted

" Stop squirting the water pistol at the fucking cat ! "

.................

How do you pull an American girl?
With a JCB and heavy lifting chains.

.................

Apparently it's Lent this month...
I hate having a Chinese landlord.

.................

What's the difference between a Scotland fan entering Hampden and a Syrian refugee getting in a dingy?

The Syrian has a chance of making it to Europe.

.................

My mum said, "You treat this place like a hotel!"

She will regret that when I give her a low score on TripAdvisor for 'rude staff'.

.................

My wife keeps dropping hints about a sexy gift she wants.
"It begins with 'D' and ends in 'O' .. and it fits snugly in there", she winked as she pointed suggestively at her crotch.
I said, "Where the fuck am I gonna find a didgeridoo?"

.................

My girlfriend said she'd leave me if I didn't stop living in a fantasy world. So I stopped.

Now she's fucking disappeared.

.................

My girlfriend just got a very interesting fortune cookie:

'Every exit is an entrance to a new experience'

"Wow" she said, "are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

I fucking hope so.

.................

On next week's X Factor, the
winner of last year's contest will
make a guest appearance.
It's nice of his manager at
Burger King to give him the
night off for it.

.................

What's the difference between a holiday camp and a prison?

You are more likely to find a 70s entertainer in prison

.................

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  #1024  
Old 03-03-2017, 06:15 PM
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I love playing mind games with my wife.
Cluedo, Scrabble and today I even bought her some flowers and I haven't done anything wrong!

..................

In my time on Earth I've encountered a lot of stereotypes.
Sony, Bose, Crutchfield, Bang & Olufsen. The list goes on.

..................

Did you know that your Anal nerve is connected to your Optic nerve?
Don't believe me? Pull a hair out of your Arse and see if your Fucking
eyes water.

...................

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on...

...................

Guy walked into the doctors surgery with a Golf Ball wedged firmly up his rectum.
The doctor examined him and said "Its up a Fair way!" Guy said don't you start Doc!"..

....................

Paddy goes for a job at a chemical factory, the factory manager asks "Have you worked with chemicals before?"
"Yes!" Paddy replies.
The manager asks "Can you tell me what nitrate is?"
Paddy replies "I"m hoping its going to be time and a half!!.

...................

Paddy won £6 million pound on the lottery: Camelot rang him to inform him that they can pay him £500,000 this week followed by £500,000 the week after and £500,000 the week after that until it is paid in full....
Paddy screamed! "Listen if you're gonna fuck me about I want my pound back!"....

...................

I walked in from work this evening to find my wife lying on the couch, naked, with her legs in the air, sliding a coat hanger in and out of her minge.
"Oh for fuck's sake, you tart!" I said. "Have some fucking dignity about yourself and at least use a fucking dildo or something."
"Oh piss off, " she snapped. "What do you think I'm looking for?"

...................

Brummie walks into a tailors.
"Alroit, mate. I'd like a 70s suit, please."
The tailor says, "Certainly sir, and would you like a kipper tie?"
Brummie says, "Thanks mate, two sugars please."

...................

The blind Korean kid next door is a thick as shit.
Manged to lose eight guide dogs in a month.....

...................

I've just finished reading an article about the USS New York that will be constructed from steel taken from the Twin Towers site.
Only the Yanks would tempt fate by constructing a ship out of the only building in history to sink......

...................

My cock was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records once.
But it really pissed off the librarian and she kicked me out.

...................

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  #1025  
Old 04-03-2017, 01:44 PM
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A dad took his little girl to the barbers.

While he sat in the chair having his hair cut, the little girl stood close to him, nibbling on a cake.

The barber smiled at her and said, "You're going to get hair on your muffin."

She replied, "I know. I'm going to get tits too."

..................

Last night I accidentally saw the woman who lives next door masturbating naked on her bed....
I was so shocked I nearly fell out of the tree.

..................

Women call me Subway......
Because I have low quality meat and lie about 6 inches.

..................

My mate tried some Walkers mystery flavour crisps last night & swore they tasted like his wife's fanny.
He thought it was his imagination, but everyone in the pub said he was right..

..................

I got thrown out of the pub last night because I can't speak Japanese.
How am I supposed to know the difference between Karaoke and Bukkake?

..................

I just finished reading a book called "How To Give Constructive Criticism".

It was fucking shit.

..................

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  #1026  
Old 05-03-2017, 12:13 PM
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That fight last night was the greatest Scouser vs One legged opponent since Paul McCartney and Heather Mills got divorced.

...................

Two Scousers are on holiday in Amsterdam and visit a brothel.
"Have you got a fat, ginger bird with no teeth, a heroin addiction and a minge like a vandalised bus seat?" They ask.
"You boys are really kinky," says the madam.
"Are we fuck!" they reply. "We're looking for our mum."

....................

I recently read that the first thing Heather Mills bought with her divorce money was a plane.
She still uses Veet on her other leg though....

.....................

What's the best way to turn on a TV?
Reach under his skirt and tickle his bollocks.

.....................

I'm heading down to Autopsy Club later.
It's open Mike night....

.....................

The label said 'Please drink responsibly'.
That's why I'm wearing my seatbelt....

.....................

Non-alcoholic beer is like muff diving your sister.
It may taste the same but it is just wrong....

.....................

Why did the pisshead cross the road?
To get to the other Cider...

.....................

I've finally come to terms with my dyslexia...
You know a leotard can never change it's posts.

.....................

How do you recognise a dyslexic Yorkshireman?
He's the one with a cat flap on his head.

.....................

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Old 06-03-2017, 01:03 PM
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I got thrown out of a strip club last night for using Monopoly money.
I don't see why I should use real money to see fake boobs.

....................

"Hello everyone, welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous"
"I see a lot of new faces here tonight"

....................

Taylor Swift's song 'We are never getting back together'

Is about her legs.

....................

When I got married my dad promised me an acre of land and a cow.....
*I'm still waiting for the acre of land..

....................

Aguero looks a different player when he's the main man.
Things might be a bit different with Jesus expected to come back at Easter.

....................

My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive...
Apparently the response of, "Don't worry babe,your tits cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for!
...................

Women constantly carry on about how they can fake an orgasm for the sake of the relationship, but we all know the real heroes are men, we can fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm.

...................

My blind wife has started seeing a therapist.
He must be good.....

...................

A duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came up to him and said "Don't bother,mate, You'll never hear the end of it."

...................

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Old 07-03-2017, 02:19 PM
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I've got a new job working shift work making chess sets.
I'm on Knights next week.

..................

My son suggested I register for a donor card.

He's a man after my own heart.

...................

My wife was in labour when the nurse said it was time to push.
She gave it everything she had, until a fart, that from sound and stench, had obviously followed through. She was mortified.

"Don't worry," i said, patting her head. "I've heard this kind of thing is perfectly natural during birth. Isn't that right nurse?"

"Yes," said the nurse gagging, "But it's usually the mother not the father!"..

....................

"Janet across the road has just called me in and showed me her tits, " I said to my wife.
"WHAT! I'll fucking kill her, " she yelled, and stormed out of the house.
Oh dear, I hope she doesn't damage her aviary!

.....................

My granddad always used to say, "As one door closes another one opens. " Lovely fellow, shit submarine captain.

.....................

The bloke who created the sign CAUTION HOT SURFACE in braille was an evil genius.

.....................

Quit pretending the Queen might be embarrassed by a state visit from Trump.
She is married to Prince Phillip.

.....................

After shagging Cheryl Cole yesterday, I think there are 3 things you should know.....
First, her fanny is tight as fuck, a real struggle to get in, secondly she takes it over her face without any complaint (good girl) and thirdly the staff at Madame Tussaud's are miserable fuckers with no sense of humour.

......................

So, Donald Trump has chosen Mickey Pence as his vice-president....
....not even Walt Disney could've imagined that one day Mickey and Donald would be running America!!

.......................

I just heard that the inscription on the Statue of Liberty is to be changed from "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free", to "Fuck off out of it, Abdul."

........................

This is not the first time there's been a massive cum stain causing a fuss in the White House.

.........................

You know electing Trump was a bad idea when even Leonard fucking Cohen becomes too depressed to go on living.

.........................

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre.

.........................

If a tree falls in the forest .....
Does the Forestry Commission know that I'm the only fucker in the village with a log burner and a chainsaw?

.........................

On her release from prison, Karen Matthews who famously faked her daughters kidnapping says she's "found god."
Was he under the bed as well?

.........................

I got arrested yesterday and while searching me the copper asked "do you have anything in your pockets you shouldn't have?"
"Yes" I replied. "Your fucking hands"

........................

Bumped into my ex today...
Well, the police say it's vehicular manslaughter. So, yeah whatever.

........................

I did a shit load of drugs last night with my shoelaces undone.
Big mistake.
I was tripping all night.

........................

I drove to the hospital today & there was a sign that read "Car thieves operate here".
Now I'm all for encouraging community service but that's taking it too far.

........................

In America, anyone can dream about becoming the next President.
Although I would actually prefer it, if someone was dreaming about becoming the next Lee Harvey Oswald.

.........................

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  #1029  
Old 08-03-2017, 02:18 PM
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My Nan has found a lump in each of her breasts.

Turns out it was just her knees.

.....................

Mrs just said Gavin from Autoglass came round & injected special resin into her crack.
I'm not normally suspicious but she hasn't got a car

.....................

If you're depressed, try drinking 2 pints of water before going to bed.
It'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

.....................

A man was at a grave yard.

He began to moan, "Why did you die, oh why did you have to die?"

A passer-by knelt down next to the man and said:

"Was this person very close to you?"

"No, actually I never met him!" replied the man.

"Why are you moaning then?" asked the passer-by.

He was my wife's first husband!”

.......................

My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances.
Well, she’s in for a shock.

........................

After the recent destruction and feeling of hopelessness in Aleppo, the city has just been twinned with Wolverhampton

........................

Let´em build their god damn wall.
The minute they start running out of cocaine, they´re gonna´tear it down themselves.

........................

I found a DVD the other day called Bald and Barely legal.
I rushed home to watch it, as I sat there with my cock in hand. I couldn't hide my disappointment.
Turns out it was a safety DVD from the department of transport on tyre depths..

........................

Following Trump's inauguration, the life expectancy of the average American has been revised down from 79 to March or April.

........................

In case you are wondering, the male G-Spot is located in the back of a woman's throat.

........................

If you had the choice of all of Bill Gates money or world peace...
What colour Ferrari would you buy?

........................

My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.

........................

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Old 09-03-2017, 04:39 PM
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I just saw a sign that made me shit my pants!
It said, "Toilets Closed"

...................

Farts are like children.
I'm proud of mine but disgusted by yours.

...................

My wife has told me that she has quit smoking.
To see if she's telling the truth, I've gone to the pub & left the gas on.

....................

When I was young, I was adopted by a man called Daz.
He was my non-biological father.

....................

I read that, by law, you have to turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it's raining in Sweden?..

....................

WHO SAID FOOTBALLERS AREN'T INTELLIGENT?

My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7." - David Beckham

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league." - Mark Viduka

"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day." - Neville Southall

"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable." - Paul Gascoigne

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona." - Mark Draper

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.” - Ugo Ehiogu

"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesbrough." -Jonathan Woodgate

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." - Stuart Pearce

"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right." - Lee Hendrie

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country." - Ian Rush

"Germany are a very difficult team to play. They had 11 internationals out there today." - Steve Lomas

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock." - Barry Venison

"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet" - David Beckham

"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European" - Phil Neville

"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed." - Mitchell Thomas

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best." - Alan Shearer

"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd." - Johnny Giles

"Sometimes in football you have to score goals." - Thierry Henry

......................

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in.

The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"

The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."

The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.

A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in.

The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"

The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.

The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"

The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."

The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?"

The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret
Service!

.....................

A quick guide on "How to fall downstairs":
Step 1
Step 6
Step 8, 9, 10, 11.

.....................

I was quite impressed that there was a nature documentary on this morning. Hairy, odd-shaped beasts, with snarling, manky teeth, communicating in a way that only they can understand.
Then my girlfriend told me I'd been watching the Jeremy Kyle Show.

.....................

Jose Mourinho has said he wants to go back to Portugal and never be seen or heard from again.
The McCanns have offered to help.

......................

Just got my results from E-Harmony.. They matched me with a computer chair and a tub of lotion.

......................

What did the slug say to the snail?
Big Issue?

......................

Shooting at Arabs and Muslims no drama,
Especially if your name is Barack Obama,
Killing the farmers who grow for Zimbabwe,
It's second nature to Mr Mugabe,
Steal all the land, we are doing it daily
It's all part and parcel of being Israeli,
But taking a country without even shootin'?
There can only be one Vladimir Putin.

......................

Ishmael goes to the synagogue and kneels down "God please help me win the lottery, I have the wolves at the door and cannot make ends meet" The following Friday he does the same asking God to help him win the lottery. The third Friday he arrives and throws himself down, "Please god I beseech you, help me win the lottery, the bailiffs are coming I owe lots of money, my wife will leave me; please God let me win the lottery!" All of a sudden a massive thunder clap and a hand with pointing finger comes through from heaven.... "Ishmael, meet me half way and buy a fucking ticket"

......................

Jesus is at the last supper, he takes some bread and blesses it, he says "take this bread and eat it for this is my body", he then takes some wine and blesses it and says, "take this wine and drink it for this is my blood", he then goes to pick up the milk but Saint Peter turns around and says "You can fuck right off!".

.....................

What do you call a pissed off Muslim?
Amin Amood.

......................

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Old 10-03-2017, 02:26 PM
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Stevie Wonder - 8 kids
Ray Charles - 12 kids
I think it's safe to say it's not wanking that makes you blind.

......................

I was married to the woman who's voice they use on Sat Navs, when she left i didn't know which way to turn...

......................

I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my future wife walking down the aisle towards me.
My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable.
It seemed to take an age but eventually there she was, I gave her a wink and said, "Get that trolley here love! They're doing 3 crates of Stella for the price of 2."

......................

My daughter thinks that the bigger a mans feet, the bigger his cock.
She doesn't half bring some clowns home.

......................

Just think, if the witch from Hansel and Gretel had of moved to America she would still be alive.
No need to fatten the kids up there.

......................

What's the difference between Katie Price and the Grand Old Duke of York? The Grand Old Duke of York only had 10,000 men!

......................

Every time I see a painters radio I think of my sisters face.

......................

I don't like to blow my own trumpet.
Which is why the rest of the brass section have herpes too.

......................

Bono is at a U2 concert when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone... "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice from near the front pierces the silence... "Well, fucking stop clapping then!"

......................

A well dressed African walks into a bar and says in a broad Nigerian accent, "Landlord, could I ask for your recommendation on a good Port?" The Landlord replies, "Certainly, Dover, now fuck off!"

.....................

It's a medical fact that if a woman drinks two glasses of wine it increases the chance of a stroke.
If you let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it as well

.....................

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy." The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes." "What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"

.......................

Fifa have announced plans for a minutes silence for all victims of historical sex abuse !
Surely 30 years silence is enough

.......................

My doctor told me to take up an activity that gets me out of the pub.

So I've started smoking.

.......................

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Old 11-03-2017, 02:30 PM
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Doing a crossword I asked the wife "What's a 4 letter word for a female relative, ends in UNT?"
Wife said "aunt?"
I said pass the tippex!

.....................

God: How many animals do I have left to make?
Angel: 2
God: How many legs do I have left?
Angel: 100
Centipede: Dibs!
Snake: You twat!

.....................

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk shouts, “Yes, I am!”

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, “Brother, have you found Jesus?”

The drunk replies, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.”

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, “Have you found Jesus, brother?”

The drunk answers, “No, I haven’t found Jesus!”

By this time, the preacher is at his wit’s end and dunks the drunk again – but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus?!”

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

.......................

Chris Eubank has written a book about Ethics.

If it sells well he's going to write a book about Kent as well.

.......................

I was a little surprised when I learned "pain au chocolat" wasn't French for anal.
Not half as surprised as the girl serving me in Greggs.

.......................

I started a band called "999 Megabytes".
Still haven't got a gig.

.......................

Ho Hum.
The smell of prostitutes.

.......................

Just wanted a bit of support mate, my band has had 27 gig's and not one person has come to see us ever.
If you see us advertising in your local please pop in, we're called private function..

.......................

I had to throw a dyslexic out of my restaurant last night.
Dirty fucker was spitting in the tips jar.

.......................

I unfortunately mixed up my sleeping pills with my Viagra.
I ended up having forty wanks.

.......................

Either somebody’s revving a motorcycle that runs on biofuel under my sofa or the wife needs to rethink her diet.

.......................

Me, my black wife, our mixed-race son and my father-in-law went to the hospital together to get my son's diagnosis; he had been complaining of pains in his leg after running - and winning - the 100m in his Year 7 sports day.
As we walked in to the doctor's office, my father-in-law (a huge, ripped bloke) said firmly 'what is it then doc?'
The doctor gave the leg a good look at and hit the top of my son's shin with a hammer a few times, before asking whether my boy does any sports.
'He does, yes. He recently won the Year 7 sports day 100m in a school record time!' I said.
'Well,' said the doctor, 'it appears to just be growing pains worsened by the running.'
'How come he's been in so much pain then?' I asked curiously.
The doctor said: 'that's just what happens when your knee grows fast.'
To cut a long story short, my father-in-law is now in jail and the doctor is on life support.

.....................

The pedometer on my phone is quite worrying, its literally picking up more pedofiles in range with every step.

.....................

I have a Polish friend who has a job as a sound engineer, i have a Czech one too.

.....................

My wife offered to get her tits done for me.
I said, they're a fucking pain love, but I wouldn't be without your mum and
dad.

.....................

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Old 12-03-2017, 12:02 PM
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My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner...
So I took the battery out of the smoke detector!

.......................

She looked across the room at Mr.Darcy with his clothes dripping wet....
It was then she regretted taking that job in the old folks home.

........................

You won't see me taking the piss out of midgets, I'm bigger than that.

.........................

Female drivers:

The reason people look both ways when crossing a one way street.

.........................

Me and a mate were standing in a club.
As a group of girls walked past I looked at one and said to my mate, "She'd get it."
She stopped and said, "How rude, you'll never get it."
She looked quite smug and rather pleased with herself until I told her we were discussing people who would be eligible for disability allowance.

..........................

Why does Gaza keep firing rockets at Israel?
It keeps them occupied.

..........................

My young daughter asked me this morning.
"Daddy, what were you and mummy doing last night? I could hear a buzzing noise then mummy started to scream."
"Nothing darling," I replied.
It was then I burst out laughing as my wife walked down the stairs with her half-shaved head.

...........................

I went into JJB sports and asked for " a pack of condoms please"
"Sorry this is a sports shop" was the answer.
The next day I did it again then on the third day same again.
Then on the fourth day I asked again " a pack of condoms please"
"What do you really want?" The cashier asked.
After plucking up the courage I asked " can I have an Arsenal home shirt please"

............................

I went to volunteer at The Tourette's Society but they told me to fuck off.

............................

*BREAKING NEWS*
It has come to light that Fred West was innocent all along. Police have now found a receipt for 30 tonnes of top soil from Lockerbie.

.............................

Seeing my ex for the first time in months left me with just one thought. I wish the neighbour's dog would stop digging up my garden.

..............................

"well Nan," I said. "this is where you will be staying eventually, do you like it?"
"Will you fuck off and let me visit your grandad's grave in piece?!" she shouted.

..............................

Another roadside advert shows I've missed yet another gig from the popular band Fatal Collision.

...............................

Some people are like a fine wine and get better with age...........
I am like coffee....... Drunk in the morning..

...............................

How many dyslexic's does it take to change a lightbulb.
Steven

...............................

Just ran over chumbawamba with my car at 80mph
Lying bastards

...............................

I remember when me and my wife had just started seeing each other. She walked into Asda to see me on a step ladder stacking up boxes of washing powder.
She said "You liar. You told me you were a stunt pilot."
I said "No I didn't. I told you I was a member of the Aerial display team"

................................

Fucking auto correct, trying to find some pictures of busty babes and all I keep getting are pictures of dead Manchester United footballers.

................................

This man approached me in town, "Would you like a big issue Sir?" He asked. "No thanks," I replied. "I'm sure my wife will already have something lined up when I get home."

................................

What's the difference between St. Patrick's day, and Martin Luther King day?

On St. Patrick's day everybody wants to be Irish.

................................

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Old 13-03-2017, 01:58 PM
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So, Nicola Sturgeon isn't happy with the England vs Scotland result and wants the game to be re-played.

.........................

One afternoon three elderly ladies were sitting around a table enjoying tea.

One woman said to the others "you know, sometimes I find myself in front of the fridge with a jar of mayonaise in my hand, and can't remember if I am supposed to put it away or make a sandwich"

Another woman chimed in saying "you know, I have the same problem.... sometimes I find myself at the stairway landing and can't remember if I'm going up or coming down".

The third woman proclaimed "well, I'm glad I don't have your problems - knock on wood" as she rapped her knuckles on the table three times and said "oh!, that must be the door, I'll get it!"

...........................

My girlfriend says I know how to push her buttons.....
Unfortunately I haven't been able to find the mute button....

...........................

Apparently, only 95% of men know how to turn on a dishwasher.
Personally I always find that licking her nipples and lightly fingering her pussy does the trick.

...........................

My wife's not talking to me because I stuck it in the wrong hole last night. Her sister's.

...........................

'Hello Microsoft support, what's the nature of the problem?'
'Eggshell'
'Eggshell??'
'Yesh'
'Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?'

...........................

I just bet on a horse called "Bukkake", It's a 50 to 1 shot.

...........................

I've just read that too much texting ruins your command of the English language.
OMG! FFS! PMSL

...........................

The wife's insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits.
She's got a point, I suppose...
I work in a hammer factory.

...........................

I went hunting rabbits this morning, shot 2 in the head and 1 in the leg. Everyone in the petshop went mental.

............................

What do you get when you cross an Octopus with a Cow?
Suspension of your funding and a visit from the ethics committee.

............................

To those of you with skin conditions, Merry Eczemas.

.............................

My wife gets really annoyed when I use the word 'cunt.'
I suppose she has a point, I really should make the effort to learn her mother's real name.

..............................

My wife has asked me to buy her clothes for her birthday. She said, "Make sure you buy them in a size 12."
I hope she likes her shoes

..............................

A Tory, A Sun reader and a Asylum Seeker are sitting at a table drinking tea. The Tory reaches over, takes 11 of the 12 biscuits on the table then says to the Sun reader " I'd watch out if I was you, that Asylum Seeker's going to take your biscuit".

..............................

My relationship with my wife ended when she let herself go.
Rock climbing wasn't the best idea for our honey moon.

..............................

Who needs Amazon Prime for The Grand Tour when I can see May and Hammond cause a huge fucking crash in the Houses of Parliament.

..............................

I just watched 'American Sniper', and I was quite surprised.
I was expecting him to be a high school kid.

..............................

Apparently they're bringing out a new exorcist movie.
In it, the Devil pulls the Priest out of the child.

..............................

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Old 14-03-2017, 03:25 PM
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Tips For Cheltenham Festival
Lunchtime - 12-1
V Neck - Good Jumper
Dusty Carpet - Never Been Beaten
Ronseal - Good Over Fences

...................

I've just seen a French footballer playing on a games console.
I think it was Thierry on Wii.

....................

I'm in so much in debt...
I could start a government.

.....................

What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
Envelope!

......................

I gave up playing rugby at school.
All the teacher kept saying was "nice try"

......................

I was eating my Chinese last night and it made me think!
There's thousands of Chinese restaurants and take-a-ways all over this country which means there are loads of Chinese people!
But how many Chinese funerals have you seen?
I've never seen one!
So what are they doing with them?
Then looking at my sweet and sour chicken balls, I'm thinking, chickens don't have balls that big!

.......................

My wife gets everything mixed up.
I get my Steaks well done and my Blow Jobs Rare.

.......................

Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack.

.......................

R.I.P. Jodi Sledge from Sister Sledge.
She went down hill quite quickly apparently.

.......................

My wife has eczema on her chest.
She has a cracking pair of tits.

.......................

For me worrying about grammar too much is like worrying about getting bowel cancer.
Both leave you worrying about using a semi-colon.

.......................

Fuck me the life expectancy in Scotland must be short.
Nicola Sturgeon's "once in a generation" vote to leave the UK means that a generation in Scotland is only 4 years!

.......................

I've just taken part in the filming of a pilot for a new BBC quiz show, Guess That Penis.
I didn't win, unfortunately, but I did get through to the boners round.

........................

Sometimes I hold my wifes face in my hands and wish I'd kept the rest of her...

........................

Thinking of opening a strip club with only Jewish women dancers...
I'll call it "The Gash Chamber."

........................

Bought some new vinyl, wanna have an album party #analbumparty

........................

I played the Health Lottery at the corner shop today.
Bought sixty Capstan Non-Filter and a litre bottle of Scotch.

........................

My gran had a nasty trip last night...
thought she was being eaten by a purple dragon

........................

just got back from a bulimics disco last night.
The place was heaving.

........................

Donald Trump has a book out, i tried ordering it.
Amazon said, 'Customers who bought this book also bought a rope and a stool'

........................

What if, all this time, Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady, but we didn't know since he can't stand up?

.........................

Dad is obsessive compulsive about his vinyl and owns every single Beatles record except for one...
I think he needs Help.

.........................

I invented the sandal for people with one leg.
It was a flop.

.........................

I was on a disabilities awareness course and the instructor asked me, "You see an intending passenger at a bus stop with a white cane with red rings around it, what do you do?" "Well," I answered, "I would pull up, speak very slowly and clearly, give him time as he will be a lot slower than everyone else, and try not to make his disability obvious to other passengers. " "Which is? " asked the instructor, "He's a Manchester United fan, " I replied.

..........................

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Old 15-03-2017, 03:46 PM
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I went dogging with the girlfriend last night..
Never again!!
By the time she'd finished parking the car everyone had fucked off!

...................

I'm not going to bother with the Cheltenham Gold Cup this year.
Last year my horse started off at 33/1 and ended up at 2 for 1 at Tesco's.

...................

A new vibrator has gone on sale.
It's so realistic that just before the women reaches orgasm it cums,coughs,farts, goes limp then switches itself off!.

...................

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!”

.................

Going deep sea diving?
A single packet of walkers crisps contains enough air for up to four hours.

.................

Noah's diary : Day 39.
Unicorn pie is fucking delicious!

.................

A bikini is an outfit where 90% of a woman's body is exposed.
The amazing fact is that men are so decent, they only look at the 10% that isn't.

.................

I saw some black guys spraypainting their names on a wall and decided to join in.
I'd only done the first three letters of my name when they started beating the shit out of me.
They obviously don't like people called Nigel.

................

A Doncaster man has appeared in court after allegedly having sex with a Shetland Pony.
And I'm thinking, "How sick, depraved and perverted do you have to be to have sex with a man from Doncaster?"

................

My company does random urine tests.
To detect any traces of hope or optimism.

................

My mate asked me, "What's that legal thing in Islam called again? You know, that stops a man from going down the pub or the bookies or sleeping with the women he wants to?"
I replied, "Same thing they call it over here; marriage."

................

Because of my obsession with ladders, I joined Ladders Anonymous.
I am on their twelve step programme.

................

A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded.
I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.

................

I was driving through a village when I noticed a sign that said 'Max speed 20' I thought 'happy birthday Max, have a great day'

...............

I don't understand Christians.
They say that gambling is wrong, but they bet their entire life on there being a heaven.

...............

Will.i.am has just learned he has a long lost brother from Yorkshire he said "he can't wait to meet Will.i.eck.as.like

...............

Just joined a band called Catholic Rhythm Method.
We were going to have our first gig last night but I pulled out at the last minute.

...............

Weeks excerpt from the diary of Anne Frank - .......
29th July 1944: Hid.
30th July 1944: Hid.
31st July 1944: Hid.
1st August 1944: Hid.
nd August 1944: Hid.
3rd August 1944: Hid.
4th August 1944: Fuck!

................

"What did your Christ ever do for you? " Asked my devout Muslim pal.
"Well, he saved my bacon, " I replied.

................

What's the difference between Bono and God?
God doesn't think he's Bono.

...............

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Old 16-03-2017, 04:52 PM
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Respect to the Manchester City fans who are doing a sponsored silence for Comic Relief.

.................

I made the mistake of asking Siri "What do women want?"
My phone's not stopped talking for three days.

.................

My Manc cousin asked me if I knew anywhere good for a holiday?
I told him you can't beat Monaco this time of year.

.................

Exercise?
Sorry, I thought you said extra fries.

.................

Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.

.................

Bill Gates agrees to pay for Trump's wall as long as he can put windows in it..

.................

A lorry driver goes on a date with a girl.

Afterwards they go back to her parents place.

They were just beginning to have sex on the couch.

When he feels the cold steel of a gun barrel on his neck.

Before he could turn around her father said,

"If you are a real lorry driver, you'll be able to back out of there with a full load!!..

..................

My girlfriend said, "Pssst."....I said, "What?"
She said, "Psssssst."...I said, "What?"
She said, "Psssssssssssst."....I said, "What?!"
Then I realised she was punctured.

..................

My missus just said what are your plans for Easter? I said the same as Jesus!
Disappear Friday then turn up again on Monday.

.................

I'm thinking about joining the KKK.
I'm not racist or anything, I just want to know how they get their sheets so fucking white.

.................

Why did God create women?
Because hopes and dreams don't crush themselves.

.................

Paddy and Mick has just won investment on Ireland's Dragon's Den....
They invented a pedal powered wheelchair

.................

In an attempt to save money car manufacturers will be replacing the traditional airbag with bags of Walkers crisps.

.................

Paddy & Mick are in Iraq. Mick steps on a land mine and screams...
"Paddy, Paddy.... I've lost my legs so I have".
Paddy looks and says "You lying fecker, they're over der!"

.................

What do you call the son of a Welsh window washer?
Shammy Davis, Jr.

.................

Guy and girl having sex in the street.
Semi truck was bearing down on them and honks the horn.
As the truck gets closer, he honks the horn again.
Finally, he honks the horn and slams on the brakes, just stopping short of hitting them.
Trucker says, "Why the hell didn't you move, didn't you hear the horn?"
The guy says, " I was cumming, she was cumming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes!"

..................

Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but hollow points expand on impact.

..................

What do you call a woman with two cunts.
Mrs neville.

..................

Saw a woman driving a van this morning with ' B.J. Cook' written down the side; I thought "crucial boxes ticked, she'd be a keeper".

..................

I learnt everything about drugs at school.......
Especially when I was in Class A .

..................

What does Donald Trump and J.F.K. have in common ?
Nothing, yet !

..................

What are the 3 words you don't want to hear while making love ?
" Honey I'm home. "

..................

There's a blonde on the top deck of a London bus wearing a short skirt and no knickers, she shouts down to the conductor : " Is this Ealing?"
The conductor looks up and says : " Fuck me, from where I'm standing it looks like it could do with three or four more stitches!"

.................

I like my women like I like my computer.
Turned on .
On my lap.
Virus free.

.................

What is the biggest city in America ?
Obesity.

.................

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Old 17-03-2017, 02:08 PM
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I've invented a new game, it's called "Quiet Tennis"
It's pretty much the same as normal tennis, but without the racket.

.................

I love playing that game where you knock on someone's door and then run away...
It's called Yodel

.................

Isn't it ironic that my girlfriend has got 6 cats and the one that hasn't brought a bird in the house is the Ginger one?..

.................

I bought a book on eBay called, 'How to scam idiots on eBay'.
That was 3 months ago, and it's still not arrived yet!

.................

Hawaii court overturns travel ban , Says Muslims are welcome.
Aloha Akbar!

..................

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, "I want to sue the airline."
"You don't have much of a case," he replied.

..................

To all the yank twats
1. Schools are for educating children not murdering them.
2.Hamburgers are to be ate FOR meals not in between them. And finally a TRUMP comes out your arse you don't fuckin elect it.

...................

Yesterday, I went to the Air and Space Museum.
There was nothing there.

....................

"Been drinking tonight sir?" The policeman asked me last night.
"I had one earlier, but that was all," I replied.
"I think you've had a few more than that sir. Would you step out of the van please."
"Why?" I asked.
"Because the Postman Pat ride isn't really designed for adults and there's children waiting for their go."

....................

Just had sex with a panda.
Serves the coppers right for leaving the petrol cap off.

....................

Just seen an obese man dancing to Maroon 5......
moobs like Jabba

....................

Dunno about you lot, but I don't have one of them Fitbits. But I do have a couple of fat bits.

.....................

I went to the gym today worked out for one hour and ended up gaining twenty pounds.
Some idiot left the key in his locker.

.....................

Some people think Comic Relief doesn't really help Africans....
Well without it, Lenny Henry would have starved to death.

.....................

In west Syria born and raised, on the shooting range where I spent most of my days. I was screaming Allah along with my crew, shooting non-believers outside of a school. Then a group of Americans who were up to no good, started carpet bombing in my neighborhood.I set off one little car bomb and my mamma got mad and said "you're going to get a job driving trucks in France!"- Fresh prince of ISIS

.....................

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Old 18-03-2017, 02:34 PM
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Boss: How good are you at Power Point?
Me: I Excel at it
Boss: Was that a Microsoft Office pun?
Me: Word

..................

I used to transport large amounts of shallots between Liverpool and Manchester by canal.

I was an onion bargee.

..................

My grandad is always complaining about how much things cost. '£1.50 for a cup of tea, £2.25 for 3 custard creams...
' I said 'Look grandad, you just popped round I didn't fucking invite you'

..................

My wife came home with a new pair of shoes, "I've bought a pair of fuck me shoes, " she said, "great, get them on and lets get upstairs, " I said, "no, it's not those type, it's the type that are going to make you say, 'Fuck me!' when you see the price, " she replied.

..................

So George Osborne now has six jobs.
He really is over compensating for all those years doing fuck all as Chancellor.

..................

I find it funny how every time Pixie Lott comes on the telly so do I !!

..................

It cost me thirty grand when my wife was kidnapped.
Hell of a party, though.

..................

My teacher said, "If you have two apples and, when you get home, your father gives you one... What have you got?" I said, "Two apple and a sore arse, sir."

...................

Breaking News:
Today, five thousand Israeli troops entered Jordan.
Early reports say that she's tired and has got a sore arse, but she's willing to keep soldiering on.

...................

Theresa may has appointed Arsene Wenger to lead the Brexit negotiation because he knows how to get out of Europe Fast!

...................

Back in 2008 a lot of racists claimed that electing a black President would be the start of a slippery slope for America.
It turns out they were right.
Fast forward eight years, and they've got a fucking Oompaloompa.

...................

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Old 19-03-2017, 01:28 PM
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Strange beer to the left of me, cheap biscuits to the right.
Here I am, stuck in the Lidl with you!

..................

Wife comes home early and catches Hubby having a wank in the kitchen.
She rushes over and gives him the blow job of his life.
Afterwards he says "We haven't had sex for 6 months and suddenly this. Why??"
She answers "I only washed the floor this morning. I'd rather clean my teeth than get the mop out again!!"..

..................

If online bullying has taught us anything it's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.

..................

My son said, "Dad, can I ask you a question?"
I said, "Of course you can."
"It's a bit awkward..." he began.
I said, "No problem, fire away."
"Why have you got your cock in the hoover?"

..................

I told my wife that I keep hearing voices coming from our electrical appliances.
"I know, like the TV and the radio," she sneered.
"I told you she wouldn't believe you," laughed the kettle.

..................

I accidentally bathed using a fabric softener that promises 'no more creases'. My scrotum is now down to my knees.

..................

"Suicide is not the answer." I said to my mate.
But he insisted it was and we lost the quiz by one point.

..................

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together.
The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”

.................

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Old 20-03-2017, 01:26 PM
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It's been reported by the NHS that masturbating twice a week increases your life expectancy by 20% now i have done the calculations and found out that I'm immortal ..

......................

Paddy goes into work one Monday and says to his workmates, "My brother dropped dead on Saturday, He was only 37, in perfect health, never smoked or drank, worked out everyday, he just dropped dead."
His workmates said, "Fucking hell, Paddy, what happened?"
Paddy said, "His parachute didn't open!"

......................

There was a knock on my door, "Hello sir, we have reason to believe you have a TV in your house, could we see your license please. "
"Fuck me, " I replied, "I know my son is a bent little sod, but it's the first I've heard of needing a license for him. "

......................

Having trouble understanding top heavy fractions?
Our helpline is open 24/7.

......................

I phoned my Jewish mate today and said, "Are you coming down the pub for a pint?"
"No," he said, "I'm not coming out , it's raining."
"It's only a shower," I said, "it won't fucking kill you."

......................

I went to the library today and asked, "Have you got any books about modern trains?" The librarian replied,
"Sorry Sir. It should have been here this morning, but it's not arrived yet."

.......................

I don't need a naked picture of my wife on my phone to remind me of what I am missing.
The screen has a massive crack in it.

.......................

A real woman is a mans best friend,she will never stand him up and never let him down.She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.She will inspire him to do things that he never thought he could and enable him to express his deepest emotions.She will enable him to express his innermost desires, whilst making him feel confident, sexy, intelligent, invincible and............................................... ...........hang on, I'm thinking of alcohol.
It's alcohol that does all that...........Sorry.

........................

Does anyone else find that cucumber makes them burp a lot?
Or am I just shoving mine up too far?

........................

I had to rename by house extension as the "man cave" before applying for planning permission.
The architect didn't think it would pass as a "Wanktorium"

........................

It has been announced by the family of Dame Vera Lynn that she has sadly passed away on the day of her 100th birthday.
A family spokesman has asked that they are allowed privacy to grieve, adding, "OK, so we probably shouldn't have given her the bumps!"

........................

Mrs just shouted down from the bedroom "I've had a stroke."
" I would have like to watch that" I shouted back.

........................

I'm not saying it's rough where I live but, They sell Father's Day cards in packs of five.

........................

I'm writing my girlfriend a poem.
What rhymes with "your sister's better"?

........................

I named my kids after the place they were conceived.
Although I'm almost 100 percent sure Intheass isn't mine.

........................

Apparently it was the bathroom cleaner that had given me the rash.
The bitch had herpes.

........................

What do you do if you see your wife in bed with someone else?
Your sister-in-law.

.........................

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Old 21-03-2017, 03:27 PM
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Keep your potatoes wrapped in tin foil and in a cupboard, these are a welcome consolation if your house burns down.

.....................

I was explaining to the wife that when you die you are reincarnated but must come back as a different animal.
She said "I want to come back as a cow."
I said " You obviously haven't been listening....."

.....................

My therapist set down half a glass of water, asked if I was an optimist or a pessimist.
I drank the water & told him I was a problem solver

.....................

What do you call two blokes sitting on top of a window?
Kurt and Rod

.....................

I realised my parents favoured my twin brother when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

.....................

Seeing a lot of my friends accounts have been hacked, if you see anything unusual on my wall like class, good taste and a complete lack of bad language, it isn't fucking me!.

.....................

man comes home to find his mate shagging his wife so he stabs the fucker to death ...
his wife says "carry on like that and you'll have no mates left !!...

.....................

A brand new car is being launched in Portugal, which includes space in the boot for a child.
It's called the Renault McCann.

.....................

My daughter has been on the carousel for over an hour now.
I would get her off if I could remember which suitcase she was in.

.....................

I was showing an American colleague who was over on a business conference the sights, "Wow, " he said, "I can't believe how small and compact everything is.
Your cars, your buildings, your TV's even your food portions. " He said.
Then I introduced him to my wife. That shut him up.

.....................

Whenever anyone asks me what I do for a living I tell them I'm a gynaecologist.
I'm really a cloakroom assistant in the Houses of Parliament but it's the same thing, I spend all day looking at cunts.

.....................

Marriage....because your shitty day doesn't have to end after work.

.....................

The sound of my wife gasping for breath in the hospital bed still haunts me to this day.
Maybe I should change my ringtone.

.....................

How easy is it to impersonate Victor Meldrew?
a) don't
b) leave it

.....................

So IRA man turned peacemaker Martin McGuiness has died of a heart condition.
If he'd turned into a pacemaker he might still be alive.

.....................

I've just downloaded a copy of the Bible from the internet.
When I'd finished it said, 'Saved'.

.....................

What's a ISIS member's favorite clothing brand?
Jihadidas.

.....................

I can't believe Volkswagen have the balls to criticize Google about their operating practices.

.....................

When I went to pay for my items in a spiritualist shop I noticed a sign saying 'Queue on the other side'.
So I killed myself.

.....................

A bloke knocks on the door of a terraced house in Liverpool, a Scouse woman answers it. The man says "Good morning Madam, I am a Technical Operative from the Council's Enviro-Sanitation Department, and I understand that you have a water controlled ablutionary device that has ceased to operate within its design parameters" She says "What the fucks does all that mean" The bloke says "OK, I've come about the shithouse that doesn't work" "Why the fuck didn't you say that" she replies, "Come in, he's in the front room watching Jeremy Kyle"

.....................

I've been asked by Martin McGuinness's family to help select some music that was reflective of his life's work for the funeral service.
I can't wait until everyone joins in with the chorus of 'Boom! Shake the Room' by Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince.

.....................

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex." The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep. The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!." The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick."

....................

A Chinese man walks into a pub in West Belfast.

He orders a pint of stout, drinks half of it and then goes to the toilet.

When he gets back to the bar, he picks up his pint and is about to take another sip when he sniffs it suspiciously and turns angrily to the man next to him.

"You fart in ma Guinness?"

And the guy replies, "No, I'm Gerry Adams."

.....................

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Old 22-03-2017, 01:57 PM
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I was gutted when my cat drowned in the washing machine...
At least he died in Comfort.

..................

I was watching porn last night when my mum walked in.
Not the best way to find out what she does for a living.

..................

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table.

Said the mysterious old woman,
"For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."

Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said,
"I can see that you have no girlfriend."

"That's true," said Paul.

"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"

"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted.

"That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"

"Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters."

...................

Cant believe i missed going to the gym today.
That's 15 years in a row now.....

...................

Martin McGuinness arrives at the Pearly Gates.
St Peter: What are you doing here? Theres no room in here for you...
MM: I don't want to come in. I'm giving you lot a 5 minute warning to get out.

...................

After an Earthquake in Pakistan, rescue volunteers searching in the rubble were all but ready to give up, when a faint Asian voice could be heard coming from under the rubble, it said "Don't go yet, we are still open"

...................

I got pulled over by the police yesterday."Do you know why I've stopped you sir?"
I said "Listen mate I already pay your wages, I'm not doing your fuckin' job for you as well."

...................

Not a lot of people know that Robert Palmer's 1986 hit single was actually meant to be a sly dig at Michael Jackson.
"You might as well face it, you're a dick with a glove"

...................

Swampy the eco-warrior has died of a heart attack.
They offered him a bypass but he wasn't having any of it.

...................

I fucking hate predictive text.
Now my mate is telling everyone that I fucked an emo when in actual fact it was an emu.

...................

Martin McGuinnes is to be buried in an unknown location which will not be revealed for forty years.
It's what he would've wanted.

...................

I was at a dinner party at the weekend, and found myself seated next to a girl in a wheelchair.
It was a little uncomfortable at first, but a few drinks in, I started getting a bit flirty..
"So, tell me and be honest.." I said. "Have you ever been fingered under a table?"
"No, I haven't." She replied. "But I once got fucked under a bus."

...................

I wish people would stop making jokes about Martin McGuinness's death.
I actually knew the guy and we had a blast together.

...................

I was close to tears when my ex-wife told me she was getting remarried.
I really do feel sorry for him.

...................

The wife has tits like coconuts......hairy as fuck

...................

I've been in a same sex marriage for a few years now.
I'm not gay, my wife's just really boring in bed.

...................

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Old 23-03-2017, 03:15 PM
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That ball flew right over Joe Hart's head and shoulders.

.................

Why do men get confused between hide and seek and sex?
In both cases after one minute, us men shout, "Coming ready or not!!"

.................

My wife said, "Tell me you love me."

I said, "Give me a fucking chance, I'm only on my 8th pint."

.................

Heard something brilliant as I was walking down the street earlier, some lad about my age in his mid 20's had someone from TV licensing at his door so I pretended to look in my bag for my sons juice bottle so I could have a cheeky listen 😏
Glad I did.

"Do you watch live TV sir?"

"Nah mate, TV's shite, don't even own one. Prefer my music me"

"May I pop inside and look so I can confirm and put that on our system?"

"I don't have to let you in do I?"

"No sir, but if you're not letting me in when you say you don't own a TV, that gives me reason to believe that you could have a TV and therefore require a licence"

"To be fair mate, the lass at number 23 won't let me in her knickers, that doesn't mean I've got reason to believe she could have a cock..."

With that, the door was closed.

.............

For Sale: Homeless guy, still in box! Offers

.............

Bored? Broke?
Do you find yourself with over 35 spare hours to fill every week?
Would you like to earn hundreds of pounds every month?
Then get a fucking job like the rest of us, you lazy bastards.

..............

The UK version of Storage Hunters is so unrealistic.
It's been going for a few years now and not once have they come across a container full of illegal immigrants.

..............

A girl just walked past me who was so pretty I nearly forgot to look at her tits.

..............

Don't worry everyone.
The fucking prime minister is OK.

..............

My dad always used to say "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more".
Good man, terrible anesthetist.

..............

Just bought a new car radio.
Shout 'Rock' it plays rock music, shout 'Soul' it plays soul music.
Some children ran in front of my car.
I shouted 'Fucking kids !!' It played Gary Glitter

..............

My grandads motto was 'if at first you don't succeed, try try try again.' Lovely man. Worst Dignitas employee ever.

..............

I've recently started carrying a Doner Card.
It allows someone to eat my kebab in the event that I'm too pissed to do so.

..............

I've been making loads of money since I opened my new shop called, 'Drums and Guns'.
Every time someone comes in and buys a set of drums their neighbour comes in the next day and buys a gun.

..............

New study says dinosaurs may have originated in the UK. Of course the did, they are still here sitting in the house of lords.

..............

I feel sorry for those foreign school kids caught in the London terrorist attack.
Must be fucking awful being French.

..............

When the wife and I divorced, she hit me hard in the pocket.
I was lucky though, she was trying to punch me in the balls.

..............

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Old 24-03-2017, 03:08 PM
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FACT

You can make a waterbed more bouncy by using spring water.

.................

Viagra crisis line.
In case of an overdose, you can call a toll-free number and they'll try and talk you down...

..................

Me and my girlfriend had sex in my car last night and it was pretty uncomfortable.

I wish we'd dropped her parents off first.

..................

My mate Paddy was in the armed forces and taking his first parachute jump,he said "when I got to the door I couldn't jump".
The huge instructor unzipped his fly and drops out 14" and says 'If you don't jump you're gonna get this right up your arse."
I said, 'Did you jump?' He said, 'A bit, when it first went in.'.

..................

Adam Johnson may resume his football career when he gets out of prison.
Just as long as he's not in defence. After 6 years inside, he won't be very tight at the back.

.................

Everyday is Red Nose Day when you're an alcoholic.

.................

what's black and brown and looks good on a terrorists neck ?
A rottweiler.

.................

My conjoined twin told me a great joke earlier.
It was so funny, I almost pissed himself.

.................

"You won't need condoms, I've had the snip, " I said to this easy girl.
"Fuck me," she replied, "you're not kidding, just how much of it did they snip off? "

.................

I'll never forget the time I met J.K. Rowling.
I got to ask her about Harry's father.
She thinks it's James Hewitt too.

.................

I reported Stephen hawking to BT the cunt keeps ringing me up and telling me I have no new messages.

.................

I was out shopping yesterday and I bought myself a ring binder. I haven't been able to have a shit since.

.................

After another failed attempt on the vault, I ripped my leotard.
Some of the blokes don't think I'm quite cut out for bank robberies.

.................

I made the decision to turn off my wife's life support machine today.
I've been meaning to defrost that fridge for ages now.

.................

I rang the incontinence hotline this morning.
The bastards put me on hold.

.................

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Old 25-03-2017, 02:08 PM
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It's a mystery to me how a corpse can be identified sometimes by dental records, if they don't know who you are how the fuck do they know who your dentist is?

..................

I hate it when the clocks go forward an hour.
It means for a week afterwards I get my usual wake-up erection when I'm on the bus to work!..

...................

A man is like a shoelace.
He has to go through many holes before he ties the knot.

...................

I was talking to my mate today and he said, "Don't forget the clocks go forward this weekend."

I replied, "They go forward all the time, you stupid prick."

....................

At breakfast this morning, my wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.

I almost choked on my #Brown.

....................

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to solicite his donation, saying "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh, no."
"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.
"Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident," the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."
The lawyer then says, "...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"

...................

Sir - Your obituary states that Martin McGuinness left a widow. In fact, he left hundreds of widows.

...................

My son just asked me if there was such a thing as a seven leaf clover.
"No, son." I replied, "why do you ask?"
"Because there seems to be loads growing in the loft."

....................

During our divorce, the wife and I agreed to split the house.
I got the outside.

....................

I've contributed to children in need this year, I gave some children what they desperately needed.
A fucking good hiding.

....................

I've got to that age now, where I'd rather have a sandwich than have sex. After a sandwich, I don't have to look for a canal to throw the knife into.

....................

I bought my Obsessive/Compulsive mate a picture of the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
He's going fucking nuts trying to hang it straight.

....................

The only time a Terrorist is going to make me shit myself is if I buy a dodgy kebab from one.

....................

Comic relief?
Get a clown to give you a wank.

....................

I have the ability to time travel.
Into the future and very very slowly.

....................

Used to piss the bed at 7!
Now i get up at half 6!

....................

What's white and doesn't work?
Seamus Coleman.

....................

I went to the library today and the librarian caught me trying to steal a book about catheters.
She said, "Don't take the piss."

....................

What's the difference between a knife and a fork?
I've never had a mate ask me to hide a fork behind my wardrobe and keep my fucking mouth shut about it.

....................

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Old 26-03-2017, 12:19 PM
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A man was laying in bed with his new Chinese bride.
"How do you fancy a 69, love?" he asked.
She replied, "If you think I'm cooking this time of night, you can go fuck yourself."

...................

I was driving around the other day and started feeling really horny. So I decided to swing by this well known dogging spot that was close by. There were a few other cars there so I pulled up and joined in.

I had a great time, but I think I failed my driving test.

...................

My grandmother was involved in a street mugging the other day so I phoned her to make sure she was OK.
"Yes, I'm fine," She replied, "But he only had £9.40 in his wallet."

...................

My wife thinks our sex life is boring and I get distracted too easily …
Well, I guess I’d better get back to it.

...................

I walked in with a bunch of flowers today and my wife said, "Ok, what have you done now?"
"I slept with your sister," I replied.
"What? And you think a bunch of flowers are going to make me forgive you?" she screamed.
"What the fuck are you on about?" I replied. "They're for your sister."

...................

I stopped my car in a lay-by last night and had sex with a complete stranger.
As I sat there with one hand on the steering wheel, she suddenly climbed on top of me and said, "The deal is you must pull out just before ejaculating."
I agreed and a few minutes later, as I got the urge to shoot my load, I quickly pulled out.Knocking some poor cunt off his motorbike.

..................

My wife said " this form I'm filling in needs my weight.
Should I do it in kilograms or stone and pounds
"100 weight" . probably wasn't the right answer

..................

I'm not saying my wife's a fat cunt..
But her Pac-Man fancy dress costume was just a tin of yellow paint.

..................

Whenever I go shopping, I like to take my 4 year old daughter to the pet aisle, and watch people's reactions when I make her try on dog collars.

..................

It is World Euthanasia Day today.
Happy Smothers Day.

..................

The guy at the job centre told me a joke about a job vacancy ...
I didn't get it, but the Polish fucker behind me did ..

..................

The difference in the cultures between Glasgow and Edinburgh in Scotland. If you see a bloke walking down the street in Edinburgh carrying a golf club, It's a pretty good chance he's off to play golf.

..................

What went wrong at Fukishima Nuclear Plant;
it had received several glowing safety reports.

..................

I just set up a Facebook page for Chinese Nazi's, it already has 3 reich's

..................

Two Dinasaurs holding hands on a beach watching a ship sail away into the sunset.
One turns to the other and says "That Noah's a Cunt"

..................

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Old 28-03-2017, 01:03 PM
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This girl just posted a status on Facebook which said:

"FUCKING PHONE!!!!!!!!!"
Apparently, "Can I watch?" is not an appropriate reply....Bugger.

.................

I saw Cliff Richard in my local Chinese takeaway recently.
The owner said to him, "You sing my favourite song I give you free meal!"
Cliff replied, "Sure, what do you want to hear?"
The man said, "itchy sore fanny!"
Cliff looked confused and said, "Sorry, that's not one of my songs" "Yes" said the man."Itchy sore fanny how we don't talk anymore!"

..................

Wish me luck in this year's London Marathon. I managed 3 hours, 12 minutes and 9 seconds last year.

This year I will try to beat that, but I usually get bored and turn over to watch something else.

..................

Turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.

...................

Hillary Swank. Make yourself more accessible to men by changing your forename to Gloria.

...................

Whilst attending marriage counseling, the counselor said had we tried role play.
"Yep. I was the plumber and she couldn't pay"
"And how did that go?" asked the counselor.
"Awful" sobbed my wife. "The bastard said he's taking me to the small claims court."

...................

Help! I’m playing Scrabble with Midge Ure.
I’ve only got 4 letters left, but they mean nothing to me: OVNR.

...................

A man walks into the library and asks the Liberian, "Excuse me, would you have any books about Jimmy Savile?".
The Liberian replies, "Actually we have sir, some boy just took it in the shitter".
"That's the one", the man replies.

....................

I was sacked today for having sex with a customer in the back of my taxi.
I say taxi... technically it's a hearse.

....................

What do you get when you insert human DNA into a goat?
Banned from the petting zoo.

....................

Due to how fucking fat my wife's become, I can only have sex with her doggy-style.
It's just regular sex, but I have to give her a treat afterwards.

....................

According to reports, the SNP's calls for a second Scottish independence referendum is set to be supported by the Greens.
Scottish politicians were appalled and said, "What a shame. I thought we were having chips again."

....................

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  #1049  
Old 29-03-2017, 02:00 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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My mate needed a bone marrow transplant.
We found a match in Argentina.
The operation was a success.
Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor.

....................

My mate was rushed into hospital this morning suffering from a severe case of premature ejaculation.
I phoned the hospital to get an update of his condition and they replied, "it's touch and go at the moment."

....................

I tried to sell my Thomas the Tank Engine train set at an antiques shop today.

"You would have got more for it if the fat controller wasn't missing." Said the assistant.

"Yeah, you're probably right." I replied. "She's good at haggling."

....................

In the event of a nuclear war, all that will be left is Cockroaches, the DFS Sale and KEN BARLOW!

....................

I was washing my car just now when my annoying neighbour shouted over to me, "You can clean mine next if you want, Ha ha?"
Jesus, it's bad enough I have to fuck his wife for him.

.....................

My driving instructor told me, NEVER brake if there's an animal in the road. You should have seen the look on the copper's face as I knocked him off his horse.

.....................

When I die I want Justin Bieber to play at my funeral just so that my death is not the worst thing to happen to people that day.

......................

The UK Government has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country if they try and vote again for independence.
I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.

......................

Most people think former game show host Michael Barrymore is a Cockney, but he actually hails from the quaint English village of Oldham Under-The-Water.

......................

My grandfather was on the Titanic.
As far as i know, He still is.

......................

After 4 Karate classes, I can now break a 2 inch board with my cast.

......................

My wife and I were sat eating breakfast.
"Look at this," she said as she read the paper, "There's a story here about a man who was married to a woman he didn't love for fifty years.
Can you even imagine that?"
I just sobbed quietly.

......................

Trump’s talking to Putin at a summit.
He says, “Hey, Vlad, whip your dick out.”
Putin says, “What? No way.”
Trump says, “Come on man, whip your dick out.”
Putin says “Why should I?”
“I’m getting sore.” Replies Trump.

......................

Last time I visited the aquarium, this shark kept coming up and rubbing his anus hard against the glass.
It was a Hammerhoid shark.

......................

I've fucked every woman I've dated
Oh wait no, I mean sedated.

......................

Did you hear about the Dyslexic boyfriend?
He spent all night looking for his girlfriend's vinegar.

.......................

I've just made a video showing people how they can test the IQ of their dogs It's so simple, if you pay me £10.99 for the video, then your dog's IQ is higher than yours.
P.S. The Yanks are falling over themselves to buy it.

.......................

I'm the security guard at The National Sausage Museum and I'm bored shitless because we get no visitors.
I just sit here all day long, staring at the same four Walls'.

........................

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Old 30-03-2017, 03:12 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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Posts: 8,568
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The police came to my house and asked where I was between 3 and 5?.

I told them Pre-school.

.....................

A lad goes on holiday to Magaluf and texts his mate saying "Weather out here is just like your mum... 36 and fucking hot"
His mate replies "Weather back here is just like your sister..... 18 and soaking wet"

.....................

I was really shocked when my wife gave birth and the baby was black.
Is there anything that woman can't burn?

.....................

I stopped a guy in the street and said, "Can you help me? I'm looking for a rubbish tip."
He said, "Arsenal to win the Premier League."

.....................

It's only my second day in prison, and I've already been brutally bummed in the showers three times.
I'm starting to think maybe I'm not cut out to be a guard.

.....................

Made love to the wife last night, just like they do in the movies.
I was fast, she was furious.

.....................

Gandalf finds himself bent over a table and being violently butt-fucked by Frodo.
"You fool of a hobbit!" screams Gandalf. "When I said 'destroy the ring'... "

.....................

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital…

He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.
"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."

.....................

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