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  #991  
Old 29-01-2017, 02:04 PM
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I used to be a motorcycle courier.
God! Those things are heavy...

.........................

My wife said she's had enough of me because I always get my directions mixed up..
So I just packed my bags and right...

........................

I remember one time I brought my report card home and said, "Hey Dad, I got a B in Reading!"
He just said "That's a D, you idiot."

........................

Lollypop ladies make me cross

........................

BREAKING NEWS: In a last ditch attempt to save their season, Liverpool have dug up the pitch to plant potatoes. That way they'll have something to lift in May...

........................

The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur,"Since you've been such a good man and your Motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of women? "God said, "Ah, yes. " "Well, " said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention." God was somewhat taken back, and when He asked what the flaws might be, Arthur Davidson produced a list for Him to read. 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds. 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. 4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust and finally, 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous. "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there and it may be true that My invention is flawed... " God said to Arthur. "But the last time that I checked, more men are riding My invention than yours."

....................

I said to my heartbroken friend don't worry there are plenty more fish in the sea.
And if you can't drive a trawler,you can always have a tug!!..

....................

I came home from the pub four hours late last night.

"Where the fuck have you been?" Screamed my wife.

I said, "I've been playing poker with some blokes."

"Playing poker with some blokes?" She repeated. "Well, you can pack your bags and go!"

"So can you," I said. "This isn't our house anymore."

....................

Did you know that the Americans pray before they eat...
Can you imagine praying 18 times a day?

....................

I went on a blind date last night.
Didn't start that way but she bought pepper spray.

....................

I know it's a bit early but for those who are thinking of buying an advent calendar next year, do not by the Microsoft one.
I had one this year and if you opened more than five windows, they all shut down again......

....................

I just had lunch of curry and Uncle Tom's rice.
It's like Uncle Ben's but a bit more racist.....

....................

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  #992  
Old 30-01-2017, 01:56 PM
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Paddy pulls along side a Lorry and shouts, "Oi mate, you're losing your load!" The driver replies, "Fuck off!"
5 miles further along, Paddy again shouts, "Oi, you're losing your load!" The driver then again replies, Fuck off!"
5 miles further along, Paddy yells, "I'm not joking, you're losing your load!"
The driver then shouts, "Will you fuck off you thick twat, I'm gritting!".

.........................

"If you build it, they will come."
Field Of Dreams 1989.
"If we built it, they won't come."
Donald Trump. 2017...

.........................

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that the wife is having sex with me because she can't afford the batteries.

.........................

Just got out the ER with a broken nose & 3 cracked ribs, word to the wise here...
When your wife asks you where you're taking her for her birthday. Apparently "Up the shitter" is not an acceptable answer.

........................

My wife just called me a lazy prick.
Cheeky cow, it took me an hour to take the Christmas tree down this morning.

........................

Dave was in a bar looking very dejected.

His friend, Adam, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"

"It's my mother-in-law, " Dave replied, while shaking his head sadly.

"I have a real problem with her."

"Cheer up," Adam said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law. "

"Yeah, sure," Dave answered. "But not everybody gets theirs pregnant!"

..........................

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen, the roaches hang themselves......

..........................

I got pulled by the cops and got out and danced to their lights thinking I was in another club...
I'm in court next week......

..........................

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  #993  
Old 31-01-2017, 01:50 PM
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Dry January nearly done...
I've not pissed the bed once.

...........................

I asked a prostitute who had no fingers for a handjob, but she just palmed me off!

...........................

Slept like a baby last night.
Woke up every hour and just cried about my life.

............................

I saw a microbiologist today,....
He was bigger than I imagined..

............................

Valentines day............ Dinner: £80.... Taxi fare: £10.. Hotel: £250... And the look on your face when she says "I'm on my period:....... "Priceless !!..

............................

Did you know that anal sex is still illegal in Iceland?
Not sure if it's the same in Farmfoods so be careful..

............................

"You're going to have to change the ringtone on your phone," my wife said to me.

"What's wrong with The Final Countdown?" I said. "You know I love that song."

"You work in a Nursing Home for fuck sake!" She replied.

............................
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  #994  
Old 01-02-2017, 03:03 PM
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Rose are Red
Violets are Blue
I suck at poetry
Show me your TITS!

.......................

My mum always used to say "Give your food a rinse before you eat it."
Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.

.......................

Breaking news..
Donald Trump has announced that he’s going to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese.
He wants to make America grate again!

........................

It was like a scene out of Crocodile Dundee on his wedding night.
“Call that a penis?” said his Thai bride.

........................

Jurgen Klopp goes in to church to confession and says,
"Forgive me father for I have sinned!"
The priest replies, "Come forth my child!"
Klopp retorts, "Come forth? We'll be lucky if we come bloody tenth!"

........................

Clubbers in Leeds have taken to using dental syringes to inject liquid Ecstacy directly into their mouths.

This dangerous process is known as 'E by Gum.'

........................

Irish fella takes his mates back to his new flat.
After a few beers one of the lads asks what's the big brass gong hanging on the wall?
Paddy says "It's my speaking clock!"
"How does it work?"
"I'll show you"
He hits it full pelt with a claw hammer. A voice from next door yells "For Fucks sake you cunt, it's twenty to three in the morning!"....

........................

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  #995  
Old 02-02-2017, 02:32 PM
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You know that tingly sensation you get when you fancy somebody?
That's common sense leaving your body.

........................

Why does Kermit the frog have the internet?
Frogspawn.

........................

Congratulations to my wife who reached a new culinary milestone today by setting off the neighbours' smoke alarm!.

........................

Paddy... look at that flock of cows.
Murphy... Herd of cows you daft bastard!
Paddy... Of course I've heard of cows, there's a whole flock of them over there.

........................

I had a well dodgy curry last night & said to the wife
"My arsehole is on fuckin fire love"
"Ring Sting" She says
"How the fuck will calling that twat help?" I said....

........................

Just been to the hospital to pick up an X-ray

He's called Rachel now

.........................

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  #996  
Old 03-02-2017, 01:30 PM
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Wife: "Look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits!"
Husband: "For God’s sake woman, it’s a scarf!"

...........................

My uncle was jailed for his beliefs.
He believed he could wank on the bus.

...........................

Me and the Mrs bought a waterbed to spice up our love life, it hasn't worked though!
If anything we've drifted further apart.

...........................

If you can't say "something nice".
You probably have a lisp.

...........................

My new years resolution was to lose two stone by the end of the year.
Just three stone to go!

...........................

A young man went to his grandfather's place to stay for the weekend.

He was sitting down to lunch when he noticed that the spoons and forks were encrusted in a thin filmy substance.

He asked his grandfather,"Are you sure you washed it properly?"

"As clean as cold water can get it" was the reply.

So the young man shrugged and started eating.

The next day at breakfast he noticed that the plates were dirty and grimy. It also smelled a bit like dog.

Are you sure you washed it properly?"

"Clean as cold water can get it" was the reply again.

The man, a bit suspicious for his health, looked at his grandfather, than at his plate and started eating.

As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog jumped out in front of him, growled and generally blocked him from going forward.

"Cold water, leave the poor boy alone!" shouted the old man from inside.

............................

Today I was taking the piss out of an old guy with a ridiculous wig on.
He got his own back though, sentenced me to six months.....

............................

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  #997  
Old 04-02-2017, 03:25 PM
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Man goes to the doctors with a lettuce sticking out of his bum. "Tell me Doc is it serious?"
Well sir this is just the tip of the iceberg.

..........................

Gutted that one of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.

..........................

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it...
Then my illegal logging business is a success!

..........................

A teacher asks the class to name things that ends with Tor and that eats things

First boy: Alligator
Teacher: Very Good that's a big word

Second boy : Predator
Teacher: Yes, That's another big word.Well done

Little Johnny: Vibrator.

After nearly falling off her chair

Teacher: That is a big word,but it doesn't eat anything

Johnny: well my aunt has one and she says it eats fucking batteries like there's no tomorrow!!!..

.......................

I woke up with a throbbing hard on earlier, so not one to waste a golden opportunity I thought I'd have a wank...
I was quite embarrassed as I opened my eyes and realised I was just coming round from the general anesthetic.

........................

I think the bin men in my area have got a cheek going on strike for being underpaid.
They only work one day a fortnight, the lazy fuckers..

.........................

I just opened my freezer and saw a little alien having a wank.I said, "What the fuck are you doing?"
He said, "Please don't hurt me.. I cum in peas".. !

.........................

I told my girlfriend that sex might be more exciting if she got a Brazilian.
Now she's shagging a guy called José.

.........................

A guy was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.

The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied.

"Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

" Not exactly answered the doctor.

"She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

......................

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  #998  
Old 05-02-2017, 11:48 AM
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Mama Mia:
a classic Abba song or a Yorkshire lad telling his mother he's arrived?

......................

I'm tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment!
I did it once and killed a cyclist.

.......................

Why do you never see a church with free Wi-Fi?
Because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

........................

Jimmy Saville, Rolf Harris & Stuart Hall walk into a pub in Ireland.
Barman says "not yew tree again"

........................

Men who tie their hair into a tiny ponytail on top of their heads are statistically more likely to shave their vaginas than men who don't.

........................

Upon reaching 65, old Tom decided to retire. After having him under foot for a few months, his wife became very agitated with him.

She suggested he go and do something to occupy his time, like join a club or get a hobby

Old Tom obliged and went out for a couple of hours. When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys. And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club.

"What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

"Yeah, look I even got a membership card."

"Old man, you need glasses! This is a membership in a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

"Oh, great! now what am I going to do? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!"

.........................

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  #999  
Old 06-02-2017, 01:59 PM
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What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey.

........................

Mr "I had to show my grey chest hair to get my pension today"
Mrs "You should show them your cock, we'd get disability allowance as well!"

........................

"You wouldn't like me when I'm angry... Because I always back up my rage with facts and well documented sources."
The Credible Hulk

........................

Theresa May, Donald Trump,
and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask
what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is
for calling back to Earth.
Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes.
When he was finished the devil in forms him that
the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a
cheque..
Next Donald Trump calls the U.S. and talks for 30 minutes.
When he's finished the devil informs him that the cost is
6 million dollars, so Trump writes him a cheque.
Finally Theresa May gets his turn and calls England for 4 hours. When he's finished, the devil informed him that there would be no charge and feel free to
call England anytime.
Putin and Trump go ballistic and ask the devil
why Theresa May got to call England free.
The devil replied, "Since Theresa May became
Prime Minister of England, the Country has gone to hell,
so it's a local call."

......................

A Chinese family of 5 , named Chu, Bu, Hu, Tu and Fu decided to immigrate to the United States.

In order to get a Visa, they had to adapt their names to American Standards.

Chu became Chuck.

Bu became Buck.

Hu became Huck.

Tu became Tuck.

Fu decided to stay in China...

......................

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

......................

My Chinese neighbour said he has opened a crows shop.
I said, "ah, you mean a clothes shop?"
He said, "no, a crows shop - come in and have a rook"..

......................

English Stiff Upper Lip
On a train from London to Manchester an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood. What do you say to that ?"
The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"

.......................

Dulux have just brought out a new shade of emulsion called deep blonde.
It's not very bright but spreads really easily..

.......................

Dirty Derek our local flasher was thinking about retiring, but he's decided to stick it out for another year...

.......................

Hubby gets 'I LOVE YOU' tattooed on his knob and goes home 2 show his wife.
She says 'there u go again u bastard... trying to put words in my mouth!''

.......................

Last night, I lost my Wife of 25 years.

Fuck Me.

*

What a Game of Poker that was......

........................

A bloke goes into a Welsh pub and asks for a gin and tonic.
All the pub falls silent, then the landlord says "Where are you from boyo, you sound English"?
"Er, I'm from Bristol actually" he replies nervously.
"Bristol you say, and what do you do in Bristol, look you"? says the Landlord
"I'm a Taxidermist" says the man
"Taxi.... what"? says the Landlord, "is that something to do with transport boyo?
The man says "No I stuff and mount animals"
The landlord shouts "It's OK lads, he's one of us"!

........................

I stayed at my mates house in Liverpool last night. It was so bloody cold this morning. I went out to the car and it was minus four.
Minus four fucking wheels, Bastards!

........................

A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to himself.

"Sorry, he doesn't live here anymore, we're divorced!"

Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results.

He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who it is that keeps calling.

"Look, Bozo! We're divorced! Finito! End of story! When are you going to get that through your fat head?"

"Oh, I know! I just can't hear it enough!"

.......................

There was a German, an Italian and a Redneck on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. to be shot
2. to be hung
3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." (Boom, he was dead instantly).

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.)

Then the Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the redneck fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Redneck said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did.

Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over. Finally the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

The Redneck replied, "You guys are so stupid.....I'm wearing a condom!"

.....................

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  #1000  
Old 07-02-2017, 12:57 PM
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When I drink alcohol, everyone says I'm an alcoholic.
But when I drink Fanta, no one says I'm fantastic.

....................

I was having sex with a girl earlier.
We did it doggy style and I lasted thirty minutes.
That's 4 mins 30 secs in human time.

....................

Before I got married I was miserable and lonely.
Now I'm just miserable.

....................

How Long is a Chinese name.

....................

I accidentally got some hemorrhoid cream on my fruit bowl, and now my grapes have disappeared..

....................

For Valentine's Day this year I want something to leave my wife breathless.......
if anyone knows someone that's selling a treadmill please can they let me know.

....................

The fuckin dog ran off last night.
I walked round the park calling his name for 20 mins & still couldn't find him, my wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head & got a tattoo.
I still can't find the fucking dog..,

....................

After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that was enough,
as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife
didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a big firework, light it,
put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the
world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at
which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex, inner London..

....................

Got a new job with the Samaritans last week.
Tried to phone in sick this morning and the bastards talked me out of it!..

....................

Barcelona made an incredible 859 passes the other night.
Liverpool could only manage that if they got Steven Gerrard out of retirement and put him on Mastermind.

....................

The second Fifty shades of grey film is set to be the sexiest film ever, unless you're Welsh in which case it's the Shawn the Sheep movie.

....................

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  #1001  
Old 08-02-2017, 02:24 PM
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Got the missus a new bag and a new belt for Valentines Day.
She'll be made up!
The hoovers as good as new now.

............................

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face...

............................

What type of fish do two Sodium atoms make?
2Na

............................

My girlfriend asked me to buy some pills, so that I could finally get an erection.
I bought her some diet-pills.

.............................

My wife just said to me,"Why is there a shirt and tie on the telly?"
I said, "Because it's a smart ..TV

.............................

Here's a few Valentines card quotes if you're struggling for ideas!...

Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

I bought this Valentine's card at the store
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish you wasn't a hundred quid a night.

You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big fat ass.

Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled, so make me a sandwich

Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown but not as much as your ass.

I don't wanna be soppy or silly or corny
So,i'll get right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!!..

..........................

Morrison's are doing a Valentine's Meal deal for one this year.

It's a 9 inch Pizza, a litre of Vodka, and 48 Paracetomal.

..........................

My gay dyslexic mate can't wait for February 14
He thinks it's Vaseline day...

..........................

Paddy asked the pet shop owner for a Goldfish.
Do you want an aquarium?" Asked the salesman.
"I don't really care what Star sign it is " said Paddy.

..........................

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local which is only two blocks from the house. I got him a Fosters, he didn't like it so I had it. Then I got him a Carling Black Label, he didn't like it, so I had it.
It was the same with the 1664 Lager and Premium Dry Cider. By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the fecking pram back home.

..........................

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  #1002  
Old 09-02-2017, 01:28 PM
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Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I've got memory loss
Cheese on toast!

........................

What do you call a dinosaur with a very big vocabulary?
The saurus

.........................

I was arguing with my girlfriend in Nandos when my best mate ran off with the garlic bread & coleslaw.
I wish he would stop taking sides!

.........................

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."

.........................

A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies: "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful.

"Christ!" he says, "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I had sex on the snooker table in front of all my mates?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher."

.........................

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Old 10-02-2017, 02:13 PM
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Roses are red
Violets are glorious
You'd better not surprise
Oscar Pistorious

.......................

Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, or is it just one of Granny's myths?

.......................

An Australian Love Poem (An Aussie Valentine).
Of course I love ya darlin
You’re a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you’re gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don’t mind a bit of flab
It means that when I’m ready
There’s somethin there to grab
So your belly isn’t flat no more
I tell ya, I don’t care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
Yurs just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I’m tellin’ ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you’ve got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna’s grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I’ll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footballs’ on
And fetch another beer.

.......................

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End.
On their way to Kakadu he was describing the amazing abilities of the Australian Aborigines to track man or beast over land, through the air and under the sea. The Americans were incredulous.
Later in the day, as the group rounded a bend on the highway they discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line, whilst his left leg was held high in the air!
The bus stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine...
"Hey Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"
The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute... It's a red one… the left front tyre is bald... The front end is out of whack, and him got bloody dents in every panel... There are 9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 4 dogs on the front seat."
The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge. "Good Lord man, how do you know all that" asked one.
The Aborigine replied:... ‘I fell out of the fucken thing about half an hour ago!"

.........................

Burglars are getting really clever lately, I was in bed last night when my Wife woke me up and said, "I can hear a noise downstairs."
It wasn't until I checked every room that I thought to myself "hang on I'm not even fucking married."

..........................

What's the difference between a 69 and driving in the fog?
In the fog you can't see the arsehole in front of you.....

...........................

A man was visiting his elderly neighbour and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion.

The neighbor asked, "When did you bag him?"

The old man said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife."

"What's he stuffed with?" asked the neighbour.

"My ex-wife," replied the old man.

............................

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Old 11-02-2017, 02:37 PM
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I’ve been single for so long now, when somebody says to me, 'Who are you with?’, I automatically say: 'Vodafone'

.........................

Roses are red,
Leather is black,
I like bondage,
So give me a smack!

...........................

MUM!!! I'm being called gay in school.
Who is calling you that son?
A bunch of cute boys.

............................

My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.
Last night I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself

............................

Two old ladies are sitting in the laundrette waiting for their wash to finish.
One of them says '' That washing machine is laughing at me''
''No it's not'' replies the other
'' It's just taking the piss out of your knickers''

.............................

My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes today.
She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.

.............................

A cruise ship hired a magician to entertain the passengers. Since the passengers changed every four or five days, the magician was able to perform the same tricks over and over.

Unfortunately, the Captain of the ship had a parrot who sat around and watched the magician perform his tricks, over and over.

Eventually, the parrot learned how the tricks were done and would interrupt the act.

"It's in his sleeve" the parrot would say. "He switched balls." "It's in his pocket." Etc., etc.

Naturally, the magician was quite disturbed by the parrot but could do nothing about it, since it belonged to the Captain.

Unfortunately, the cruise ship had the misfortune of hitting an iceberg and sank to the bottom of the sea in a matter of minutes.

As fate would have it, the magician and the parrot managed to grab hold of the same floating piece of furniture.

For 3 days, neither said anything. The magician stared at the parrot and the parrot stared back. Finally, on the 4th day, the parrot cracked and said: "OK, I give up, where on Earth did you put the ship?"

........................

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Old 12-02-2017, 12:06 PM
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Got back from hospital.
Had a mole removed from my penis.
Surgeon said i'll be OK, but the RSPCA said they'll prosecute if I do it again.

......................

I've just been watching Family Fortunes and the question came up, "We asked 100 people what they would do if it started snowing?"
I thought "tell everyone on facebook" would have been the top answer.

.......................

Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice,"What's the trouble?"
"I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. I'll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He never heard a thing!"
After apologizing, I got her parcel.
"Oh good!" she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages!"
"What is it?" I asked.
"My husband's new hearing aid."

.........................

Vincent Price is taller than Katie Price, but heavier than Alan Price.
I found all of this out on a price comparison website!

..........................

An Irishman's wife calls the doctor, stating that her husband has taken ill.

The doctor asks if she had taken his temperature; she replied that she hadn't but would and then call back.

When she hadn't called within a half hour, the doctor called and asked her what had happened.

She said, "Well, I didn't have a thermometer, so I put a barometer on his chest and it said dry, so I gave him a pint and he went off to work!"

...........................

Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says,
"Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing.
I hope you can forgive me."

His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long
gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive
you." They embraced and kissed.

On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back
swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've
been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since
we're being honest with each other, I have something to
tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change
operation. I was a man before I met you. I hope you can
forgive me."

The husband, froze at the top of his back swing, then threw
a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the
ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf
cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by
one, then started on hers.

He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable
deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart
and soul...and all these years you've been playing off the frickin'
ladies' tees!"

........................

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Old 13-02-2017, 02:18 PM
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I just read the worst page in the entire dictionary.
It was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

.......................

My neighbour said to me today:"How come you have so many cars?"
"Well," I said "The wife and I have been doing a bit of swinging recently"
"Oh right" he said embarrassed "Do a lot of them stay over then?"
"No" I said "It's just that every time she pulls a set of keys out the hat, the owner fucks off".

.......................

I think I might have used too much softener when I washed my underwear.
I haven't had an erection for a week.

.......................

Is blowjob one word or is it spelt as two words like blow job.
I hate writing Valentines day cards.

........................

I saw an advert in the local paper.

It said "Are you an Alcoholic"..???

If so ring 1234567890.

So I did.

It turned out to be the Bargain Booze shop just down the road..!

.........................

My 4yr old son was struggling to open his yoghurt, When he suddenly mumbled, "Fucking shitty lid ! ".
My wife immediately looked at me and said, "I wonder where he's got that from?".
I said, "The fucking fridge, you silly cunt.".

.........................

It's Jamaican hair style day at work tomorrow.
I'm already dreading it.

.........................

You can't please some women. I bought my wife 250 flowers for Valentines Day.

So what if they spelled out 'Grandad'

..........................

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Old 14-02-2017, 02:01 PM
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Just got 15 Valentines cards! It's left me completely breathless.
That security guard at Clinton Cards gave quite a chase.

.................

My Mrs threatened to leave me over my obsession with Red Hot Chilli Peppers memorabilia.
She said give it away give it away give it away now.

.................

Wife rang "Three girls in my office just received flowers, they're absolutely gorgeous"
I said "That's probably why they received flowers"

.................

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Rhyming is hard
Like I am for you

.................

Roses are red
Violets are blue
God made me sexy
What happened to you?

.................

Steven Gerrard is going to be releasing a book about his time at Liverpool, it doesn't have a title yet!

.................

Knock knock.
"Who's there?"
"Dejav."
"Dejav who?"
Knock knock.

.................

A lion, a witch and a wardrobe walk into a bar.
The barman says, "I'm serving Narnia!"

.................

The local football team I play for have just been sponsored by Wonga.
For our pre match talk last week we were told to go out and give 1479%.

................

I told my cat I was going to teach him to speak English.
He looked at me and said "me how?"

................

It's always exciting getting a Valentines Day Card shoved through your door, no stamp, just your name on the envelope.

Except, when you're in prison..

................

Me and the wife were in the bedroom with the Sex toys.
She said "Shove the big one right up my quim"
I said " Is that nice"?
She said "Oh yes, now shove the tiny one up my bum"
I said "I can't see a tiny one"
She said "I know, I was talking about your cock"

................

My girlfriend rang me at work. She said "Two packages arrived today.
One's your PlayStation 4 & the others the Rampant Rabbit vibrator we ordered.
I can't wait for you
to get home & play with me for hours".
I said "You'll be fucking lucky... I've only ordered one controller..

................

I went into the library and asked if they had a book called, "How to spot a lady-boy."
He said, "I'm sure we do, it's probably tucked away somewhere."
I said, "That's the one."

................

"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?"

Always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me.

................

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Old 15-02-2017, 02:22 PM
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For the past 20 years, I've had a Valentines card from a secret admirer.
I was sad I didn't get one this year!
First my gran dies, now this!

........................

To all you beautiful sexy girls! Happy Valentines Day!
To all you fat birds! Chin up its Pancake Day soon!

........................

My girlfriend asked for something black and lacy for Valentines Day.
Apparently she didn’t mean football boots.

........................

Mrs "Babe what we doing tonight?"
Me "How about Paris?"
Mrs "OMG!"
Me "Barcelona?"
Mrs "OMG, OMG!"
Me "Perfect btsport 19:45 it is!"

........................

I went into a Chinese takeaway last night.
The owner of the shop said, "What do you do for a riving?"
I said, "What do I do for a living? I'm a bit of a comedian."
So the Chinese chap says, "Go on then, change colour."
I said, "No! I'm not a fuckin' chameleon, I'm a comedian."
So he says, "Oh right. Tell me a joke then, make me raff."
I said, "You want me to tell you a joke and make you laugh?"
He replied, "Yes." Just then I noticed his wok was on fire in the kitchen, so I said, "Wok! Wok!"
And he replied, "Who der?"

.........................

Teacher : What’s your favourite letter ?
Student: The letter G.
Teacher : Why is that Angus ?

..........................

It's a fucking sad day when the lamp post near my house had more cards and flowers than me on Valentines Day.

..........................

I'm treating my wife to a romantic dinner for Valentine's Day.
Soft, slow cooked pasta.
The finest petits pois.
Finely diced, soft soya flakes.
A beautiful chicken stock marinade.
Finely seasoned with fresh basil and mixed herbs.
Then I just tip in water to the fill line, add the soy sauce sachet and I'm done.

............................

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Porsche 911 Turbo in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he was getting out, a truck came barreling down the road, drifted right and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the now door-less Porsche with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his precious Porsche, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again, would never be the same.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief, "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said, "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OHH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. . . "My frickin' Rolex!"

...........................

Two guys were picked up by the cops for selling drugs and appeared in court before the judge.

The judge said:

You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and persuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one:

"How did you do over the weekend..?"

"Well, your honour, I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever."

"10 people..? That's wonderful. What did you tell them..?"

"I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)

"Well, your honour, I persuaded 50 people to give up drugs forever."

"50 people..! That's amazing..! How did you manage to do that..!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your arsehole before prison...."

.......................

50 shades of Grey 2
The heartwarming tale of a Vajazzler in an old folks home.

........................

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Old 16-02-2017, 04:29 PM
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I call my Mrs Bambi
She thinks it's because she has brown eyes.
It's really because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.

........................

If 666 is the evil number.
Then 25.806975... is the root of all evil.

........................

I just found human hairs in my McDonald's burger.
Fucking hell, when did they start using natural ingredients?..

........................

Men use love to get sex.
Women use sex to get love.
Me? I use coupons to get pizza.

.........................

I phoned my boss this morning an said I cannot come to work today I have vaginal issues, He said "Grow up your a man."
I said, "I know an you're a cunt".

..........................

I went to see an escort last night.
She advertised a real girlfriend experience.
When I got there she opened the door and said, "You're late, I bet you've been down the pub."
We didn't speak for the rest of the night and I ended up sleeping on the sofa.

...........................

Scientists proved there is a link between heading a ball and Alzheimer’s after Liverpool players couldn’t remember the last time they won something.

...........................

How many Perverts does it take to put in a lightbulb?
One, but all of A&E to get it out.......

...........................

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

An American Indian named "Little Feather" came along on horseback and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse, and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes Little Feather would let out a "Yeeee-haaaa!" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Yeeee-haaaa!" and rode off.

"What on earth did you say to Little Feather to get him so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered. "I just sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

The attendant laughed and shook his head. "Lady," he said, "Little Feather doesn't use a saddle!"

........................

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Old 17-02-2017, 01:45 PM
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Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers?
He would stop at nothing to avoid them.

....................

Went out last night and got really wasted.
I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!.

....................

They say that if you are from Liverpool you are either a comedian or a musician.
John Bishop must be fucking awesome on the flute!

....................

Saw the Wife at the Bank today, not good news..!!

To Be Honest...

*

I was hoping she'd Wash-Up further down River.

.....................

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or
"foreplay" as she likes to call it..

.....................

Donald Trump and Barack Obama went to the same barbershop for a shave.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Trump was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, if my wife smells that she will think I've been in a whorehouse,'
The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'How about you?'
Obama replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what a whorehouse smells like.'

.....................

2 Asian Brothers were killed last night after falling through the Ice on a Frozen Pond in Bradford.
ITV are making a Documentary about the 3rd brother who actually survived.

"Dan Singh on Ice" will be screened sometime in March.

......................

Kiwi and an Aussie go to a pastry shop.

The Aussie whisks three biscuits into his pocket with such speed the baker doesn’t notice.

The Aussie says to the Kiwi: "You’ll never beat that!"

The Kiwi says to the Aussie: "Watch and learn!"

He says to the baker: "Give me a biscuit, I'll show you a magic trick!"

The baker gives him the biscuit which the Kiwi promptly eats.

Then he says to the baker: "Give me another biscuit for my magic trick."

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.

Then he says again: "Give me one more biscuit."

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.

The Kiwi eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and yells: "Where's your famous magic trick?"

The kiwi says: "Look in the Aussie's pocket."

......................

As my wife lay in the coma the doctors approached the life support machine.

"No, no, please," I sobbed, "just a little while longer. "

But my pleading didn't help. They woke her up.

......................

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Old 18-02-2017, 01:57 PM
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I've just rang Babestation TV & the hot girl on the other end said "Hey sexy, what can I do for you?"
I said "Call me back its cheaper!"

.......................

I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead I bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me, because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again!!!

........................

I always wondered what it would be like to have sex with a Chinese girl.
So last night, when I was fucking my wife, I stuck a slice of lemon in her mouth.

........................

To prove my love for my Wife, I climbed the highest mountains, swam the deepest oceans, crossed the hottest deserts, now the bitch has left me because I was never home.

.........................

I was really shocked when I got a phone call from my credit card company telling me someone had cloned my card.
There's now some stupid bastard out there as skint as I am!

..........................

My girlfriend found lipstick in my pocket, I told her straight away I was cheating on her, there was no fucking chance I was going to tell her that I was an Avon Rep.

...........................

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.

Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Connie....Connie. "

"Is that you, Joe?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex
twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Joe you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."

.......................

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat.
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down?"
The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down?"
She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "what's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were 'Fuck or Drown'."

..................

By the will of Allah !! I decided to go to the local mosque in Bradford for the first time to see what it was all about: I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Allah and the prophet Mohammad - you will walk today." I told him I wasn't paralysed, But I did have a small bunion on my left foot. He came back and laid his hands on me and looking skywards, earnestly repeated his mantra: "By the will of Allah and the prophet Mohammad - you will walk today." Once again, I told him there really was nothing wrong with me. After prayers I stepped outside…. And Bugger me ---- MY CAR WAS GONE !

...................

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Old 19-02-2017, 01:25 PM
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Been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately.
Most common one seems to be "You said you'd be home from the pub 3 hours ago!"

.......................

Son: "Dad, Am I adopted"?
Dad: "Not yet. We still haven't found anyone who wants you."

.......................

I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly.

My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, "Don't do that again."

"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."

"Fair enough," he said, "But there was no need to hold the microphone to your arse.".

.......................

You know the romance is over when you come to bed, ready to screw your wife, and she is on the phone, and she tells whoever she is talking to that she will call them back in a couple minutes!!..

.......................

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this VEET as previous shaving attempts
had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus’s birthday as a bit if a treat.I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types…Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have have long to wait.At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn’t featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering arhhh ooooohhh that feels good ahhh Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect..

.........................

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
"Fucking great," I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

.........................

AMERICANS:
Next time you go to an All-You-Can-Eat buffet, it's an offer, not a challenge

..........................

To the person who stole my shoes while I was on the bouncy castle....
Grow up, you bastard!

..........................

A woman walks into a bar and the Barman says "Why the long face?"
Two and a half hours later he Bitterly regretted asking that question.

..........................

Went to the library and asked if the book on impotence was in yet
The Librarian tapped away on the computer and said " It's not coming up."
I said " That's the one."

...........................

I hate being a depressed atheist.
Nothing to live for.
Nothing to die for.

...........................

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Old 20-02-2017, 12:49 PM
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A woodworm goes into a bar and asks..
"Is the bar tender here?"

....................

My girlfriend said if I don’t do page 7 of the Kama Sutra she will leave me.
It put me in a very difficult position.

....................

I caught my gynaecologist stealing, he had sticky fingers.

....................

I once tried to quickly make a square but I ended up with an octagon... That's what happens when you cut corners.

....................

Some parents don’t allow vaccinations for religious reasons.
If you don’t want anything stuck into your kid, don’t take them to a priest.

....................

My friend said he didn’t understand cloning.
I said “that makes two of us”

.....................

I just broke up with a psychic medium, I think she’s seeing other people.

.....................

Trump is like a nappy, white, a little shitty, touches people's genitals

.....................

I got into a fight with an armless alcoholic.
He couldn’t hold his liquor

.....................

A friend asked if I wanted to play tennis on grass?
I said I don’t do drugs
He said did you want clay?
I said are you a pot dealer?

......................

How many dance instructors does it take to change a light bulb? Five...Six...Seven...Eight...

......................

How to give a cat a pill....
Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.

Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11.. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.

................

I told my mate that I'm having problems in the Bedroom.

Him, being a Doctor.

He prescribed me Viagra.

How the fuck's that going to help me assemble my new IKEA Wardrobe..???

.................

I told my mate that my parents had gone on a sex tourism holiday to India.
"Mumbai" said my friend.
I replied "Yes, and I think my Dad is too."

.................

I went into Mothercare this morning and asked the saleswoman if they sold maternity dresses.
"Yes, Sir" she replied "What Bust?"
I replied "The condom."

.................

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Old 21-02-2017, 02:24 PM
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I went for a job interview today and was asked to describe myself in three words.
"Violent when disappointed"
I hope to get hired tomorrow

....................

Thank goodness I went to a psychic, she told me someone was going to swindle me out of some money.
Best 100 quid I've ever spent.

....................

An ice cream van crashed on my street yesterday the whole area was coned off.

....................

I accidentally sent a picture of my dick to everyone in my address book today.
Not only was it really embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.

.....................

I don't see why we should have to pay to go on the bus when the drivers going that way anyway!

.....................

I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow.
I plan on dressing as a clown and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels.
I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to fuck the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I'll take a shit on the floor and then i'll escape in a van shaped like a giant pink cock.
Let's see Crimewatch stage a reconstruction of that fucker

......................

Today the Government have announced the new national symbol is the Condom because it more accurately reflects the government stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a sense of security while you are actually being screwed.
Doesn't get more accurate than that!

.......................

They say a woman's work is never done...
That's probably why they get paid less.

........................

Roses are Red
Violets are pricey
Flowers from an accident black spot
They'll do nicely....

........................

I think there must be some truth in the claims that cigarette smoking can harm an unborn child.
My wife, who was on 20 a day gave birth to a black child.
Must be all that tar......

.........................

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
so Jack could lick her fanny
Jack got a shock
and a mouthful of cock
because Jill's a flipping Tranny

.........................

When my new Indian girlfriend said I could give her a facial, I almost came on the spot.......

.........................

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Old 22-02-2017, 02:56 PM
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I bought a new strimmer today.
It's cutting hedge technology.

........................

Before you get married, you should try and assemble IKEA furniture together.

........................

I've just invented a perfume made from holy water.
Eau my God

........................

If women are always right, why do they always keep picking the wrong men?

........................

I got a can of Newcastle Brown Ale stuck in my foot.
It's an ingrowing toon ale.

........................

Last night I dreamt I was having sex with the blonde one from ABBA,
but his beard kept tickling my balls!!!..............

.........................

I was shagging this bird in the gym when she looked in my eyes and said "this isn't working out"

.........................

My mate said he caught his 14 year old son wanking in the bath......
I said "What's wrong with that? It's natural for young lads to that...."
He said "Not when the bath's still in fucking B&Q it isn't!!!"

.........................

A Russian Spy, a Sexual Predator and a Billionaire walk into a bar.
The Barman says "What can I get you, Mr. President?"

........................

What's the difference between Rolf Harris and Woody from Toy Story?
Only one of them goes limp when a child enters the room.....

........................

Looked out the window in horror as a crowd gathered round a crashed motorcycle.
I rushed outside yelling "Let me through! Let me through!"
A man in front said "Thank god for that, Are you a doctor?
I said "No! That's my Pizza."

........................

BBC News Latest:
A man who blew himself up in Iraq two days ago Was Ronald Fiddler an ex Guantanamo Bay inmate.
"We are all devastated." Said his Brother, Kiddie....

........................

My patient nervously asked "Have you ever circumcised an adult Bef...?"
"No" I replied, cutting him off short.

........................

In my teens, I fell in love with a one armed potholer.
I still carry a torch for her.

........................

Even though he's resigned, at least Sutton United Goalkeeper Wayne Shaw has gone out on a high....
Cholesterol....

........................

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Old 23-02-2017, 06:55 PM
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My son's class is having a pyjamas day tomorrow.

Great to see the education system is getting them ready for unemployment!

......................

The lottery gives you 1 in 2 million chances you won't be at work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game, I'll play mine.

.......................

Donald Trump has announced that America is going to get tough on countries that harbour Islamic Extremist's.

France has already surrendered.

........................

I once went on a date with a girl who didn't swallow.

Soup everywhere.

........................

A black guy in a library asked me where the coloured printer was.

I replied, "Dude, it's 2017, you can use any printer you want."

.........................

Does anyone know which page in the Bible it explains how to turn water into wine?

..........................

There should be a millennial edition of Monopoly

Where you just walk around the board paying rent, never able to buy anything.

...........................

The moon landing was staged and it was shot by Stanley Kubrick, the reason it looks so real is because of Kubrick's obsession with filming on location.

...........................

Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day

Give a woman a fish and you're "that weird fish guy."

............................

I've only been in jail for 5 minutes and I've already been raped twice.

My uncle doesn't fuck around when playing Monopoly.

............................

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine," I said, "I want to die when Liverpool win the premier league."

"You crafty cunt," said the fairy.

.............................

I missed when I threw a punch at my wife's chin.
Luckily, I hit the one below it.

..............................

Eric Clapton was on 6 Music earlier saying how Savile's career really took off in 1967 when backstage at Top of the Pops, he introduced Cream to the Small Faces.

..............................

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Old 24-02-2017, 02:25 PM
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Just wanna say a big thanks to Dave at number 26 for the gazebo it looks lovely in my garden.

.......................

A man has gone to A&E after a bizarre sex game went wrong leaving him with 6 toy horses stuck up his arse.
Doctors have described his condition as stable!!!

........................

When one door closes, another one opens.

These IKEA wardrobes are shit!

.........................

Apparently Leicester City have signed Lenny Henry up as their new manager.

It's the only chance they have of staying in The Premier.

..........................

ɹәʌo ʞooqәɔɐɟ ʎɯ ʍәlq puıʍ әɥʇ

..........................

I think it's pretty cool how the Chinese invented a language made entirely of Tattoos

..........................

When you first meet her, she says she's "bi", then later you realise she meant " polar"...

...........................

Sometimes when I turn off the lights and masturbate, it feels like Jesus is watching me.

Mexican prison is shit.

...........................

I was in bed with a woman and she said, "I want tonight to be magical".

And it was. After we had sex, I disappeared.

............................

Whats the difference between a rocker and a jazzman?

A rocker plays 4 chords in front of 4000 people and a jazzman plays 4000 chords in front of 4 people.

..............................

Conspiracy theories are like moon landings.

They're all fake.

...............................

The people of Pompeii...

Mannequin challenge champions since 79AD.

................................

The Japanese flag is actually just a pie chart about how many of them are scared of Godzilla.

................................

What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F.

................................

What do Donald Trump & the iPhone 7 have in common?

They both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs.

................................

A bus station is where a bus stops; a train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station.

................................

I think it's important to remember that we just can't be good at everything. For example, look at Freddie Mercury...
He was a great singer/ songwriter, but he sucked on the organ.

...............................

What have my penis and a BMW convertible got in common?
When you pull the hoods back, both reveal a cheesy little bellend.

...............................

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Old 25-02-2017, 03:11 PM
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Dentist: This will hurt.
Patient: OK.
Dentist: I've been having an affair with your wife since last year.

...................

Southern Rail Announcement:
Please mind the gap between the timetable and reality.

...................

I said to my wife, "lets go out to eat tonight." She came back with the classic, "I have nothing to wear" reply.
So I said to her, "just wear what you had on the last time we went out, you looked beautiful."
So there we were in the local steak house, me in jeans and a T shirt, and her in her wedding dress!...

....................

To spice up our sex life my wife said she would dress up as my favourite Star Wars character.
After walking into the bedroom and seeing her i said, "Jabba the Hut is not my favorite character !"
She replied "Fuck off you cheeky bastard, I haven"t got changed yet!!..

....................

Last year my mate Dave found out that he couldn't have kids.
He was absolutely devastated, so being the kind of guy I am, I offered to have sex with his wife, which they both agreed to.
Dave called me today and said, "Look, you've been shagging my wife twice a day for the last six months and she still isn't pregnant."
"That's probably because I had a vasectomy back in 2009." I replied..

....................

How do you think the unthinkable

With an Ithberg, Thtupid!

.....................

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with goats...

Meh!

.....................

Hands trembling I checked the numbers again.
9-15 21-04 20-17
I simply couldn't believe it, after all this time trying, I finally done it it....
I'd got a doctor's appointment.

.....................

While on a helicopter trip around Miami, my wife asked the pilot "Where's that place, named after a shape, where planes disappear without trace?"
"I think you must mean the Bermuda Triangle." He replied.
I said "I think you'll find it's the Pentagon."

.....................

What do you call a homosexual Russian knight?

Sergei.

.....................

I just lost my job at the swimming pool as a life guard.

Apparently tapping the "No Bombing" sign as a Muslim family walks past isn't acceptable.

.....................

You Know What Is The Difference Between Girls Aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68?

At 8: “You put Her To Bed And Tell Her A Story”
At 18: “You Tell Her A Story And Take Her To Bed”
At 28: “You Don’t Need To Tell Her A Story To Take Her To Bed”
At 38: “She Tells You A Story And Takes You To Bed”
At 48: “You Tell Her A Story To Avoid Going To Bed”
At 58: “You Stay In Bed To Avoid Her Story”
At 68: “If You Take Her To Bed, That’ll Be A Story“

.....................

I got a new job making nursery rhymes for mentally retarded underprivileged kids.

Or rap music as it's more commonly known.

......................

I went on one of those open Mosque visits the other day, the ones that try to explain the Muslim religion to westerners.
Just inside there was a Guy boasting that he had the whole of the Koran on DVD.
The trouble kicked off big time when I asked him to burn me a copy.

......................

Came home to find my missus stood in the hall wearing riding boots and holding a whip.

"Oh great," I thought. "Where the fuck are we going to keep a horse?"

......................

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client. "Alan, I have some good news and, I have some bad news." The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first." The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right." Alan replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?" The lawyer replied, : "The pictures are of you with your secretary....

.......................

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Old 26-02-2017, 03:05 PM
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Remember to use condoms!
Because if she'd sleep with you, she'd sleep with anyone.

....................

Watched all 3 Matrix movies, they're completely unbelievable!
As much time as they spent on computers, not once did Adobe ask to be updated

....................

My dog’s just blown his kennel up!
Bloody Yorkshire Terrorist

.....................



1,
2,
3,
4,
5..
Once I caught a fish alive...

6,
7,
8,
9,
10..
Just been banned from Sea World again.

...................

I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something...
I forgot that I'm fat and I can't run for more than 2 minutes.

....................

I went on a rollercoaster and the woman next to me wouldn't stop screaming.
Seriously, it was like she'd never seen a penis before.

....................

2 reasons why I don't give money to homeless people:

1. They need money for drugs;
2. I need money for drugs.

....................

I hate it when my Korean girlfriend gives me those puppy dog eyes.
The only way I can swallow them is to imagine they are cherry tomatoes.

....................

I call my penis 'The Pizza'.
It isn't twelve inches, but it is covered in cheese, and the occasional mushroom.

....................

I asked my girlfriend what my spunk tastes like.
"Like your brother's," was not the answer I was hoping for.

....................

There's a sign above the door where I work that says, "Once you go black you never come back".
You've got to have a sense of humour in the crematorium.

....................

After wiping my arse I looked down at the huge turd in the bowl. I thought it looked fantastic, started to get hard and felt feelings of love towards it.

I thought, 'hold on a minute. I'm not falling for this shit.'

...................

Against my advice, my daughter has just gone to a bukkake party.
Oh well, on her own head be it.

...................

A successful businessman decides he has had a good year and wants to trade his BMW for a Mercedes,

"This is as good as it gets, " said the salesman, " everything about this car is luxury, from the sleek leather interior to the self cancelling indicators, this car has everything. "

"Self cancelling what? " replied the businessman.

....................

My wife has left me because I'm too insecure.
No wait she's back.
She just went to make a cup of tea.

....................

"Oh look, it's Ian McKellen, one of Britain's greatest actors!" I said to my mates upon seeing him in my local pub.

"Actually," he said, "I'm Sir Ian."

"My mistake," I apologised to my mates, "it's one of them refugee cunts."

.....................

I went to the doctor and said, "I'm having trouble 'satisfying' my wife."

He said, "You should try what I do."

I said, "What's that?"

He said, "Earn £100k a year."

.....................

My young daughter has just asked me if she could watch the Justin Bieber movie:

"It's rated 12," she said.

"Out of a fucking hundred I assume?"

.....................

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Old 27-02-2017, 02:49 PM
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Women are natural born artists.
From drawing eyebrows to drawing conclusions.

....................

The government says that smoking weed causes memory loss.
That's nonsense, next thing they'll say smoking weed causes memory loss.

.....................

The local farmer has grown the first ever field of vibrators!
He’s now having a problem with squatters.

.....................

"I watched that programme the other day, the one with all the cheap nasty antiques on it." I said to my mate.
"You mean Bargain Hunt?" He replied.
"No, Loose women!"

.....................

My brain said "Crunches", but my stomach Auto-Corrected it to "Cupcakes".

.....................

What's the difference between a tenor and a baritone?
Your sister won't blow me for a baritone.

.....................

A Scottish pedophile has raised a complaint with Ebay.
He says the Wii Gameboy he ordered was not what he expected.....

.....................

Grab your Taco.
You've pulled a dyslexic Mexican...

.....................

Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and he can rob the world.

.....................

I had a crazy dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
I was, like, 0mg

.....................

My daughter came running down the stairs and said, "Dad, Dad... Mummy is limp and lifeless in the bedroom."
I said, "Don't I fucking know it!"

.....................

I said to a mate at work, "My son is so fucking stupid. Yesterday he stole my next door neighbour's phone and got caught."

He said, "Did the police do a trace on it?"

I said, "No, they followed the cable to my house."

....................

I was reading that scientists have discovered that the Tyrannosaurus Rex had a 'cousin' that was vegetarian.

It must have been a bloody nightmare to have a vegetarian in the family when your arms are too short to cover your ears.

....................

Report: Men who took advantage of cheap holidays to Benidorm in the 1970s are now dying of melanoma.

Unlike my Dad who took a beach holiday to Blackpool in the 1970s, and died of hypothermia

....................

My 16-year-old nephew is a real slacker, never has the motivation to do anything with his life. To try to jar him into action I wrote him a 'letter from himself 20 years from now'.

Anyway, now he reckons he can just laze around because he's going to invent a time-travelling postal service when he's 36.

.....................

My Grandad was highly decorated in World War Two.

In fact, many people believe it was the tinsel on his helmet that got him shot.

.....................

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