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  #961  
Old 02-01-2017, 12:36 PM
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Nice one, based on a true incident where a German nude sunbather got his nuts stuck in a wood slatted sun lounger ....
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  #962  
Old 02-01-2017, 01:34 PM
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Wife says to doctor "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep, what should I do?"
Doctor "Give him a chance to speak when he's awake"

............................

It's official!
Today is the hottest day of the year so far!

............................

For those who know nothing about how to satisfy a woman:
The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.

............................

An English tourist was driving through New Zealand when he noticed a man on the side of the road having sex with a sheep. A few kilometres further on he came upon a small town, so he parked his car and went into the pub for a drink. He grabbed a cold beer, sat at a table, and then took a look around the bar. He immediately noticed a one legged guy sitting over at a corner table, masturbating without a care in the world.
The English tourist turned to the Bartender next to him and said, "What sort of country is this? A few kilometers back down the road there was this guy having sex with a sheep, and now that guy in the corner is furiously masturbating in full view of everyone.
The bartender said, "You heartless Pommie bastard. He's only got one leg. How can you expect him to catch a sheep?"

...............................

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the arse are interchangeable.

.............................

My wife is not buying that autocorrect changed “You’re psychic” to “You’re psycho.”

.............................

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  #963  
Old 03-01-2017, 11:25 AM
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If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks...
Cost me an arm and a leg!

.........................

After the horse meat found in Tesco burgers scandal a few years ago they have now found thousands of camel toes in Primark leggings.

.........................

Really fed up with all these new years sales. Went to Selfridges and they don't sell fridges. Went to Currys and they don't sell curries. Went to Boots and they don't sell boots. I wasn't very impressed with the Virgin Megastore either.

.........................

I bet the "YMCA" dance is harder to do in Chinese.

.........................

"If you win the lottery' the first thing I want is a boob job and a face lift"
said my 49 yr old girlfriend as I was checking my numbers,
"Actually the first thing I would buy is a recon engine and a respray for my mondeo" I replied
"Why bother tarting that old thing up she said you might as well get yourself a new one!"
My point exactly.

.........................

My wife took her driving test the other day.
She got 8 out of 10, the other two jumped clear......

.........................

I bumped into an old school friend today.

He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's an optician."

.........................

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  #964  
Old 04-01-2017, 04:30 PM
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I answered the door this morning.
A 6ft beetle punched me in the face & called me a fat twat.
Apparently there's a nasty bug going round!

......................

I don't know why people think I'm boring?
The police often call me a "person of interest".

......................

My mate Dave was obsessed with cough drops.
He ended up in a menthol institution.

......................

A local charity called asking me to donate old clothes for starving people.
I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving.

......................

I'm going to nickname my penis 'The Truth'...
Because you can't handle the truth, and sometimes the truth hurts.

......................

The Celebrity Big Brother house was burgled tonight.
Police are still trying to identify the victims!

......................

A teacher asks her class what their parents do for a living.
Mary says, "My dad's a doctor." The teacher says, "That's great, can you spell doctor?"
"Yes, miss," replies Mary, "it's D-O-C-T-O-R."
"Well done," says the teacher, "Who's next?"
Billy puts his hand up and says, "My dad is in the police and he's a constable."
"That's very good, Billy," says the teacher. "Can you spell constable?"
"Yes, miss, it's C-U-N ..." at which point the teacher interrupts and says "No, Billy, try again."
"OK, miss, it's C-U-N ..." at which point the teacher jumps in again and says to Billy, "Not quite, why don't you practice in your spelling book and we'll come back to you in a minute? Right, who's next?"
"My dad works for Ladbrokes, miss," says little Johnny.
"Oh," replies the teacher. "Can you spell Ladbrokes?"
To which little Johnny replies, "No, miss, but I'll give you 5/4 on that Billy writes cunt in that book."

.....................

I went in a sex shop today, and was shocked to find out how much all my wife's vibrators cost. ...
She's sitting on a small fortune.

......................

Harry is visiting his grandma. She complains about the high cost of living. "When I was a girl, you could go out with a shilling and come back home with a dozen eggs, two pints of milk, a pound of bacon, half a pound of tea and a fresh chicken." Harry says, "that's inflation for you." Grandma says," it's nothing to do with inflation, it's all them fucking security cameras they have nowadays."

......................

Why do cows look so depressed when being milked? Well if someone woke you up early, rubbed your tits for two hours and didn't shag you, you`d be pissed off too!.

......................

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  #965  
Old 05-01-2017, 06:20 PM
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Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is safe

..........................

Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are discussing family. Englishman says, "My son was born on St.George"s Day so I called him George!" The Scotsman says, "What a coincidence my son was born on St.Andrews Day so I called him Andrew" the Irishman says, "That's fucking amazing!, wait til I go home and tell our Pancake"!!

...........................

A German lorry driver in a pub in Newcastle is gobbing off how lazy British truck drivers are. He's bragging that he drives his load from Hamburg, goes through Holland, Belgium up to Newcastle and back to Hamburg in just two days. This old Geordie man mutters up, "Ah, way ay I used to pick up me load in Newcastle, drop off in Hamburg and be back in Newcastle for a fish and chip supper the same day". The gobby German trucker says, " Oh yah, vot rig were you driving then?" After taking a long swig of his Pint of Newcastle Brown, the old fella replies..........
"A LANCASTER BOMBER!!.

..........................

I sat my son down and said, "Look son, in life if you act like a pussy then you'll never get any pussy"
My wife said, "shaun, how dare you use that language in front of him"
I said, "Sorry dear, it won't happen again"
My son said, "I see what you mean Dad"

..........................

ADVICE for all men out there. .
Always love a woman for her personality.
They have 10 on average so you can choose..

..........................

My new Girlfriend's car got a Flat Tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, '' Mum, I'm going to be late, my Girlfriend's got a Puncture."

"Oh Dear" she sighed.

*

"I thought you had a Real One this time."

...........................

The missus just phoned me and the conversation went like this:-

Her: "You know that Gladiator movie that I got you?"

Me: "Yeah."

Her: "Wind it forward one hour, 16 mins and 28 seconds."

Me: "Right, I've done that"

Her: "Okay, you see the gladiator at the front fighting the lion!"

Me: "I can see that, yeah."

Her: "Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other!"

Me: Okay, I see them."

Her: "Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the screen, there's a gladiator holding a spear."

Me: "Yes! I can see him!"

Her: Right..! Those are the Sandals I want for my Birthday.

............................

To the lady in front of me, it's a speed bump, not a fucking land mine!

............................

FOR SALE

Slightly used Christmas tree, only one month old. Paid £60. Looking for £40.
Serious inquiries only........ Ewokandtuck PLC

............................

My son is such a miserable twat, bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry

............................

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  #966  
Old 06-01-2017, 02:26 PM
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A co-worker nearly died in front of me at work today...
but then I counted to 10, calmed down and put the scissors back in my desk.

.........................

I tell people my kid manages funds for a multibillion dollar corporation...
it sounds a lot better than saying he's a cashier at McDonalds.

.........................

Me: I'm exhausted from all the Crossfit this morning.
Her: It's pronounced 'croissant' & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!

.........................

Why doesn't Viagra work on Chavs..
Because they only get hard when they have ten mates behind them.....

.........................

My nephew fell asleep at a recent house party we had, so for a laugh I decided to shave his eyebrow's off and draw a cock on his forehead.
My sister went fucking mad when she looked in his pram .

.........................

Two old guys were chatting.....

One said to the other: "My 85th birthday was yesterday.

The wife gave me an SUV".

Other guy responded: "Wow, that's amazing!!..... Imagine, an SUV!!..

What a great gift!"

First guy: "Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

..........................

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless reply.

...........................

Took this bird out last night and she ordered the most expensive items on the menu.
I thought you money grabbing bitch, I said "Does your mother feed you like that at home?" she replied "No, but my mother's not expecting a blow job and a shag tonight!" I said "Good point, bon apetit!!

............................

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  #967  
Old 07-01-2017, 05:57 PM
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My first workout back at the gym was great! I did 15 minutes of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in hospital.

............................

"I bumped into your wife yesterday"
"Oh, where?"
"You know the café opposite the S&M club?"
"Yes"
"Opposite that café"

.............................

My New Year's Resolution was to stop making innuendo jokes about my sexual stamina.
Day 7 and so far so good.
I just hope I can keep it up!

.............................

I can't stand those people who hate football but still go along to games to deliberately cause trouble and ruin it for everybody else.

Fucking referees.

............................

Today I celebrate 18 months of being dry.
It hasn't been easy at times and I've got to say a big thanks to my umbrella for helping me through the hard times.

............................

Liverpool.

The only place in the world where your wallet gets off the bus two stops before you do.

.............................

I bought one of those cd's that teach you Spanish while you sleep. Unknown to me there was a big scratch down it. Now I'm fluent in stuttering in Spanish.

.............................

Two new members of a hunting lodge get introduced to its oldest member.

They ask him to tell his favorite hunting story, and he agrees.

“Well, back in 1944 in Africa,” the old man starts, “we went big-game hunting. Didn’t have much luck at first, but on the third day I was resting by a tree when I heard a noise. Next thing I know the biggest lion I’ve ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this…RO-A-A-R-R-R! Well, I just shit my pants.”

The young men are amazed.

One of them says, “I don’t blame you. I’d crap my pants too if a lion jumped at me like that!”

The old man shakes his head and says, “No, no, not then—just now when I said roar!”

........................

The blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.

The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.

The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor in disgust took a paper sack with a hole to see through, and put it on her head to cover up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.

As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.

"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get upset about getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

......................

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

.......................

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  #968  
Old 08-01-2017, 12:32 PM
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Advice for office managers: Keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom draw.

That way, when she goes to get one you'll get a great view of her arse.

.............................

Apparently Facebook may allow kids under 13 to join.
The Chinese government has lodged a complaint saying that none of their workers will get anything done now.

............................

Don't use boomerangs as drumsticks, or there will be re-percussions!

............................

I went to a disco last night.
They played the twist, so I did the twist.
They played Jump, so I jumped.
Then they played come on Eileen.....
I got thrown out for that one.

............................

I just realized the joke “Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side” was a suicide reference.

.............................

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  #969  
Old 09-01-2017, 02:39 PM
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My wife said that my penis closely resembles a Tic Tac.
She was proud of her remark, until I asked her why her sister still had bad breath.

..........................

My mate from Norfolk has got ten perfectly formed fingers.
On his left foot.

..........................

My mate died after taking an E.
Countdown's security staff don't fuck about.

..........................

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without WiFi.

..........................

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

.........................

My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers... so I did. She's 25, and her name's Candy.

.........................

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a
cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two
hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."
Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little
Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"
Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"
Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece
around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"

..........................

The path to inner peace begins with four words
.
.
.
Not my fucking problem!

..........................

Dad with his little girl in the garden.
Girl asks "is that a mummy-longlegs underneath that daddy-longlegs?
Dad says "no sweetie there are no mummy-longlegs,only daddy-longlegs"
Dad felt very proud of her inquisitive mind until she stamps on both of them saying..
"we'll have none of that gay shit in our fucking garden!!

..........................

I asked a bloke in the pub today, "Hi mate, so where are you from?"

"Speke in Liverpool," he replied.

"Ok, arrr eh lahhh, where ya from like?"

..........................

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Old 10-01-2017, 11:19 AM
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My wife said "Do you know that hippopotamuses kill more people every year than guns?"
"Yes" I replied, "but a gun is easier to conceal"

.........................

Drugs and alcohol are never the answer!
Unless someone asks me, "What are you doing this weekend?"

.........................

Would anybody like to come over and watch porn on my 55" flatscreen mirror?

.........................

My mother-in-law came in to work at lunch today and I must admit, I was genuinely pleased to see her.
I'm an undertaker

.........................

In an attempt to use Sex to encourage me to do more jobs in and around the house.

My Wife said to me, "If you go outside and Trim the Hedges, I will Shave my Pussy for you"..??

*

I told her, "Don't be so stupid woman, we can't both use our Hedge Trimmer at the same time"

..........................

Mike Dean's four sons have angrily denied that their dad is a United fan. He's a fair and honest man is our dad", said sons Alex, George, Bobby and Schmeichel.

..........................

Latest news from the African Cup of Nations:

Nigeria 8 Ethiopia didn't

..........................

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Old 11-01-2017, 01:58 PM
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My indoor clothes dryer broke this morning..
It was the end of an airer.

.......................

WARNING TO ALL MEN!!

Women are using date rape drugs called blowjobs to lure men into scams called relationships.

.......................

Putting the decorations away in the attic, I found an old copy of the 1977 Radio Times, or as its called now, The Sex Offenders Register.

.......................

The wife walked in last night and took her bra off, with a cheeky wink she said "Suck my titties".
"Fuck off" I said, "They've been on the floor"

.......................

Mary had a little skirt with splits right up the sides, every time she bent down you you could see right up her thighs, Mary had another skirt with splits right up the front, but she never wore that one!.

.......................

I was showing my mate some of my grandfathers valuables in his living room after he passed away.
I said, "this is his old knife, he stabbed a German with this!"
My mate said, "in World War 2?"
I said, "No, last year in Majorca. They had a row over a sun lounger!"

.......................

A bloke takes a very nice young lady on a date. At nights end he said to her, 'I've had such a wonderful time tonight. You are so beautiful, you remind me of a climbing rose. May I take you out again?" She replied, 'Certainly. I enjoyed the night too." So he fronts up two nights later, rings the doorbell, and it opens to see her standing there. Without a word, KWwWHACK., Fair in the chops. "Whats that for?" he asks. She said, "I googled climbing rose after you left.And it says, no good in open bed. Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence."

.......................

My sister in law sat on my glasses and broke them.

I suppose it's my fault really, I should have taken them off first

.......................

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Old 11-01-2017, 09:34 PM
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A Passenger in a taxi taps the driver on the shoulder

The driver nearly shits himself, swerves across the road narrowly misses a bus full of school children mounts the kerb and stops inches from a shop window.


Damn you’re jumpy says the passenger

Sorry says the driver apologetically but this is my first day on the job. Up until yesterday I drove a hearse for the funeral director.
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Old 12-01-2017, 04:38 PM
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The Met Office have just issued a yellow warning!!!
Do not eat yellow snow!

.........................

That strange moment when you walk through a big spider web and instantly turn into a karate master.

.........................

My friend can only sleep on stacks of old magazines.
He's got back issues.

.........................

"Boss, I've got a probl..."
"There are no such things as problems!, only opportunities"
"Oh, ok.. I've got a serious drinking opportunity"

..........................

I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!
I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."
I said, "I think my dick tastes funny.

..........................

Some bloke knocked on my door at 9am this morning and said, "Have you got a Dog"..??

I said, "Yes, Why"..??

He said, "Is it White, Overweight, Quite Hairy and has a really buck, ugly Face"..??

I said, "Yes, Why"..??

He said, "I think I've just Killed It with my Car".

"Well it can't be mine", I replied.

"Cos mine is in Bed, Eating Toast and Watching The Jeremy Kyle Show"...

..........................

I thought I was going to have Anal Sex last night.

*

*

Luckily, the Jury found me Not Guilty.

...........................

When I was a young boy my mom would always tuck me in,
She really wanted a daughter.

...........................

Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and Chips, please."

"Certainly, Sir," I replied. "Will you be Eating In or Taking Out"..??

"Fuck off you twat," he snapped, before walking off with his Food.

I just fucking love, Working in the Prison Canteen...

...........................

My missus was so clever at school.

She got more A's than a Scouser trying to break up a fight.

...........................

My wedding day was a disaster.

The limo broke down. The vicar was drunk. The best man lost the rings. The bridesmaid tore her dress. There was a fight outside the church.

We got to the reception & the wife was rushed to hospital after a severe reaction to something she ate. It was the icing on the cake.

............................

In a recent survey when asked if immigration was a problem 28% of people said yes.

The other 72% said ديموقراطية.

...........................

Former Arsenal goalkeeper Wojciech Szczesny is the only person on the planet who has a login username that is more complex than his password.

It is essential that he remembers his password at all times otherwise he is faced with the prospect of trying type in his mother's maiden name to reset it.

...........................

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Old 13-01-2017, 02:24 PM
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A friend of mine in the parachute regiment has been stationed in Switzerland for the last 2 years.
He recently married a local girl who can wash up with one hand, cook tea with the other, dust with one foot while sucking his cock as she opens a beer with her ass.
She's a Swiss army wife.

..........................

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia.
The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming."
"You still didn't come to a complete stop.
License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently.
The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it.
The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

...........................

Ahhh snow.

The only 3 inches that can keep a woman in bed all day...

...........................

"Mummy, does Barbie come with Ken?"
"No dear, Barbie comes with GI Joe, she fakes it with Ken!"..

...........................

I had my first UFO experience this morning. I walked into the kitchen and said to the missus "Morning fat arse."

Next thing there were flying saucers coming at me from fucking everywhere!

...........................

I was in a nightclub last night when a Scouser came up to me.

She said, "Do you like avocado?"

I said, "No, sorry love, I don't drive."

...........................

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick ".

...........................

A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then the interviewer asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my test-icles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls.......no point in you coming in for that."

............................

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Old 14-01-2017, 01:59 PM
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What's the difference between a well dressed man on a a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a tricycle?
Attire!

..........................

Be careful driving today, conditions are bad! Just came off the road & hit a Chelsea fan.
It took me 2 fields & a golf course, but I got him!

..........................

The job interviewer asked, "whats your full name?"
"It's Peter Fucking Bastard Piss Flaps Smith."
The interviewer asked me, "do you suffer from tourettes Peter?"
"No" I replied, "but the vicar at my Christening did."

..........................

I went to my ex girlfriend's funeral today.
First time I'd met her parents....
Right miserable fuckers they were

..........................

Girls mature faster than guys because men don’t usually develop breasts until their mid 40’s.

..........................

Apparently 4 out of 3 people struggle with maths.

..........................

Paddy was walking through a town one day when he say a shop with a notice in the window. The notice said "We sell everything". Paddy could not believe this so he went inside. He walked to the counter and asked the salesperson, "Do you really sell everything?" The salesperson said "Yes, everything".
Thinking this was too good to be true Paddy said "OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?". The salesperson said "A jumper for a chicken?, hold on I will have to check the stock out the back"
Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag. "Here you go, one jumper for a chicken"
"How much?" asked Paddy.
"Three quid." replied the salesperson.
"Three quid for a jumper for a chicken - excellent." said Paddy. So away he went. When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe he was done, so he looked inside the bag. At the bottom of the bag was a condom.
He was mad and stormed back into the shop. He screamed at the saleperson "Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken and you have given me a condom - whats going on?"
The salesperson replied, "Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens, all we had was a pullover for a cock!!

............................

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to get it 'on'?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

"Yes," she replied.

Then I said, "I'd like to phone a friend."

That's the last thing I remember after waking up in Hospital.

..........................

British weather: it's just like a Muslim, either Sunni or Shi'ite.

..........................

What’s the best part of sex with a transvestite?
Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through

...........................

What's the difference between Frenchmen and toast?

You can make soldiers out of toast.

...........................

I've just seen mourhino speeding down the road!
He's finally got three points.

...........................

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Old 15-01-2017, 12:46 PM
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My wife was crying because the clothes in a +size catalogue wouldn't fit her. "Don't let it get you down" I said, "you're bigger than that"

...........................

Humpty Dumpty's wife has given up oral sex.
Says she's sick of ending up with egg on her face

............................

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.

Truth be told, he is virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring ,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten .

I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask.

Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request .

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her ...

'You want ... Garlic Chicken wif flide lice..???

................................

Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.

.................................

Paddy says to Mick,"I found this pen, is it yours?"
Mick replies,"don't know, give it here."
He then tries it and says, "yes it is."
Paddy asks, "how do you know?"
Mick replies,"that's my handwriting."

..................................

Did you know you were supposed to pull anal beads out slowly?

Well, I didn't. I've just started the wife up like a chainsaw.

..................................

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Old 16-01-2017, 02:01 PM
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Pretty sure my spell Czech is broken.

..........................

I got a new job as a litter collector.
I asked about training,
and was told I'd pick it up as I went along!!

...........................

My mate said, "Imagine Scarlett Johansson sucking your cock, squeezing your balls with one hand and sticking a couple of fingers up your arse with the other hand. How long do you think you could last?"
I said, "Pass me some tissues, would you mate."

...........................

Sometimes ... when you cry ... no one sees your tears... Sometimes... when you are in pain... no one sees your hurt... Sometimes... when you are worried.... no one sees your stress...Sometimes ... when you are happy ... no one sees your smile ......But try masturbating in Asda car park just one fucking time & see how much fucking attention you get. Can you pick me up from the police station?.

...........................

*Music News*

Country singer Shania Twain has announced the birth of her son this morning.

'Choo Choo' was born at 7am weighing 5lb 6oz.

...........................

A man walks into a bookshop owned by a Polish bloke and asks him, "Do you have any books on Brexit?"
The Polish bloke looks at him horrified and shouts, "Get out, stay out."
The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

...........................

An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter. As he's drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says "Hey, what's that little green thing down there?"

The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a raspberry, "SPLBLBLBLT!," right in the face and runs back to the Irishman.

The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, "Hey, what is that thing, anyway?"

The Irishman replies, "Have some respect. He's a leprechaun."

"Oh, all right." the Englishman says sullenly. They all go back to drinking beer.

An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered.

"Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard!" he says. The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again- SPLBLBLBLBT!

This time the Englishman is really mad!

"Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I'll cut his dick off!" he shouts "You can't do that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have dicks."

"How do they pee, then?" asks the bewildered Englishman.

"They don't," says the Irishman. "They go SPLBLBLBLBT."

............................

An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a Podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist.

Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, "Stick it through that curtain."

Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his p**is and sticks it through the crack in the curtains.

"That's not a foot!" screams the receptionist.

"Holy cow, Lady. I never knew you had a minimum!"

..........................

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Old 17-01-2017, 02:29 PM
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Yesterday I gave a surprise bukkake party to my roommate.
Everyone came.
You should have seen her face.

..........................

I went on "Dragons Den" the other night and showed them my Dad's Old Shotgun.

Peter Jones said "Great. And what's your idea "..??

I replied "It's quite a simple concept Peter".

"Just shut the fuck up, and put your Money in the Bag..!!.

..........................

After being diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder, I phoned my boss to tell him I'd need time off.
"You're self-employed you stupid bastard," I said..

..........................

I've just finished competing in the World Championship Blindfolded Wanking contest
I haven't a fucking clue where I came though.

..........................

I was chatting up this bird last night. I said, "is your dad a thief?"
She said, "why, because he stole the stars and put them into my eyes?"
I said, "No, because you've got a Scouse accent!"

..........................

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.

Mom forgot until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding, the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious, so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.

While she was in the bathroom, she opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no, it's short, pink and wrinkled!"

Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"

.............................

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Old 18-01-2017, 01:34 PM
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eBay is crap!

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 14,983 matches

............................

My Thai girlfriend assured me that a small penis should never be an issue in a loving relationship.
I still wish she didn’t have one though.

............................

My wife pulled out a strap-on and said, "Tonight I want to be the man."
So I handed her a porn mag and made her sleep on the sofa!!..

.............................

I was struggling to give my girlfriend an orgasm during sex. I asked her what she wanted me to do and she said 'just use your imagination'.
I listened to her advice and it was amazing. I imagined that she had an orgasm and then I went to sleep.

..............................

My new girlfriend just said, "After an orgasm, I like to kiss and cuddle, then fall asleep in each others arms. What about you?"

I said, "I usually delete my browsing history and throw the tissues away....

..............................

Top Tip:
Never do a runner from an Ethiopian restaurant!...

...............................

I was chatting to a bird in a nightclub. She whispered, "do you fancy coming back to mine, I've got a fanny the size of a polo?"
I said "Oh yes" .
When we got back to her place I pulled down her knickers and gasped.. She said, " surprised?"
I said "Totally. I thought you meant the mint not the fucking hatchback!"

................................

Suicide bombers.
If you really want to see 72 virgins, simply pop down to GAME at midnight when a new Call of Duty game comes out.

.................................

A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club.

One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy was quite amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join he explains. The biker asks; "Do you have motorcycle?

The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish. I'll drink everyone in your club under the table."

The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple more in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

.........................

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Old 19-01-2017, 03:21 PM
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Bought the wife a Pug dog.
Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes, rolls of fat & being ugly, the dog seems to like her!

.........................

If you rearrange the letters of "Postmen", they get very annoyed.

.........................

Anyone had to deal with erectile dysfunction?
It's not as hard as you think!

.........................

A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:
"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later the guy gets a second text: "Really should use spell check! That should be 'wifi'."

..........................

A wife is a bit like an old television.
It used to look good, but now it's too big for the room, but you know you can't afford a newer model so you bang it anyway to keep it going!

..........................

I saw someone on Facebook earlier post their status, 'Is Feeling Annoyed.'
That was nearly 4 hours ago and nobody has posted a reply. I bet the attention seeking twat is feeling really fucking annoyed now!

..........................

Got to love the magic of the F.A Cup when a small team like Liverpool beat the Mighty Plymouth Argyle.

..........................

I went to the Doctors today to have my prostate checked.
He gave me the thumbs up!

..........................

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Old 20-01-2017, 12:16 PM
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ATTENTION: A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 FA Cup Final, both box seats. He paid £2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...
...it's at St Paul's Church, Peterborough at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too.....She'll be the one in the white dress.

........................

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the cunt. Jane rolled around in agony, but manages to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees.".

...........................

My mate just rang me in tears.

His wife has left him, taken his prized Bob Marley collection and the satellite dish!

Poor bastard.

No woman, no sky!

............................

My neighbours always having a dig at my weight. He just said "eh lad how come your such a fat bastard?".
I said "Because every time i fuck your wife, she gives me a chocolate biscuit."That shut him up.

............................

Just received this back from Channel 4...

On behalf of Channel 4, may I firstly thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new upcoming reality TV show. Also the charming photograph you enclosed of your wife. Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected, I would point out that there appears to be some misunderstanding of the programmes content and the correct title of the series, which is actually, "Fact Hunt".

Kind regards,

Director of Programmes Channel 4.

..........................

A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed by a black truck towing a boat containing the coffin.
A passer by remarks "He must of been a very avid fisherman."
Oh, He still is," replied one of the mourners, "He's headed of to the lake as soon as we've buried his wife."

..........................

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Old 21-01-2017, 01:46 PM
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My wife dragged me round the shops yesterday for 3 hours, eventually she got tired and said 'please get out of that sledge'

............................

Went to an Indian restaurant last night and had a pelican curry.
Food was OK, but the bill was enormous!

.............................

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn’t have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don’t worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you’ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don’t worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper and then you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The bartender noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this act pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don’t think I can do any more of this. I’m drunk and me knees are killin" me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third pub!..

............................

The other day I bought some flavoured condoms and asked to the wife if she would like to go to bed and see how many flavours she could guess.
She jumped into bed and dived under the sheets "cheese and onion" she yelled
"Slow down woman" I said "give me a chance to put one on"..

............................

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes, turns out to be the fridge...

............................

Apparently it's only a matter of time before the Machines rise up against the Human Race..

*

*

I REALLY hope I'm nowhere near a Dildo Factory when they do......

..............................

It's been two weeks since I propped up a scarecrow in the corner of our bedroom.
And the wife's still not noticed the mirror's missing...

..............................

Sky Breaking News -

*

*

Suicidal Irishman kills his Twin by mistake..

...............................

I've just noticed Casualty is up to series 31, and to keep it true to life, some of the patients from series 1 are just being seen.

................................

Some people walk into your life and leave footprints on your Heart.
Others walk into your life and you want to leave footprints on their faces.......

................................

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Old 22-01-2017, 01:51 PM
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Just managed to burn 1500 calories in 30 minutes!
The pizza's ruined though.

.........................

My mother used to beat me as a child with a camera.
I keep having flashbacks.

.........................

My mum always used to say "40 is the new 30".
Lovely woman, banned from driving.

.........................

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia?
She whispered, "They're behind you"

.........................

I'll never forget the night when I looked into her eyes I felt my knees go weak had butterflies in my stomach and my heart was beating like mad.
That's when I realised I'd spiked the wrong fucking drink..

.........................

I went to a job interview. The first thing they told me was "We are looking for somebody responsible.
I replied "I'm just the man you're looking for. At my last job every time anything bad happened they told me I was responsible."

.........................

Martin McGuinness won't stand for re-election.

Most likely a problem with the kneecaps.

.........................

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Old 23-01-2017, 12:46 PM
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Me to mate, "My wife keeps pestering me to dress up as an Alice in Wonderland character!"
Mate "Are you mad at her?"
"Don't you start!"

........................

My pet mouse Elvis died today.
He was caught in a trap.

........................

I'm seeing this girl with eczema.
She's got a cracking body.

........................

Just seen 2 blind men fighting in the street.
You should have seen them run when I said my moneys on the one with the knife...

........................

Whether you love him or hate him, Donald Trump has given us something we haven't had in decades, a First lady we can wank to.

........................

My girlfriend said she wanted to try and get rid of her love handles.
I said she would look fucking stupid without any ears.

.........................

You'd be surprised how quickly the sales people at B&Q try and assist you after ignoring you for the past 15 minutes when you try and start a chainsaw.

.........................

I had been seeing this girl for a while and she asked how many sexual partners I'd had.

"I've been very unlucky," I said. "Only four."

"Four?" she replied. "That's not unlucky."

"It is when they were Jimmy Savile, Rolf Harris, Gary Glitter and Fred Talbot," I answered.

..........................

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Old 24-01-2017, 02:39 PM
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A terrorist attack has blown away two local houses, one made of straw & the other made of wood.
Police think that its probably a lone wolf.

........................

I asked my wife to act like a "naughty school girl".
She forged a note from her mother saying she didn't have to participate.

........................

Jose Mourinho has promised fans of Manchester United that they will be in a major European competition next year.
Even if he has to write the song himself..

........................

I said to my Doctor “I’ve badly bruised my penis in a surfing accident”.
He said “Did you fall off your board?”
I said “No, I had to slam my laptop shut because the wife walked in!!"

........................

A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!"
The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a 1/2 gallon stein of beer that will never empty and always be ice cold", and immediately a foaming mug of ice-cold German ale appears in his hand. He takes a long swig and when he puts it down, it's still miraculously full!

The Frenchman and Englishman are, of course, amazed.
"I wish," said the Frenchman, "For a wall to be built around France, ten miles high and ten miles thick, so that nobody can get in and nobody can get out."

The fish screws up its eyes in concentration for a moment then says"Done!". He looks at the Englishman and asks "And what do you want?"

"I'm curious about this wall" asks the Englishman

"Yes." replies the fish.
"Is it ten miles high and ten miles thick?"
"Yes."
"And can nobody get in, and nobody get out?"
"Yes."

The Englishman ponders for a moment, then says "Fill it with fucking water!".

...........................

Woman in labor screaming her head off in pain.
Hubby with her trying to console here.
Screaming she says to him, "you did this to me you bastard."
He leans over and says, "if you recall dear, I wanted to stick it up your arse and you said, fuck that, it'll hurt too much. So suck it up princess."

...........................

Just watched an interview with Lance Armstrong, and he lied so much, I'm beginning to wonder if he ever landed on the moon at all.

...........................

Unopened pack of Polo's for sale.

Mint condition.

............................

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Old 24-01-2017, 03:04 PM
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I was standing at a bar one night when this large, ugly lady came over, grabbed my backside and said " You're kinda cute...you got a phone number?"

I said "You got a pen?"

She said "Yeah, I've got a pen"

I said "Well you better get back in it before the farmer misses you!"

That cost me 6 stitches, but when you're over 60, who cares?



Cowboy..."Can I have a packet of condoms, please"

Assistant..."Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy..."Nah...She's purty good lookin'"

When you're over 60, who cares?



I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night. She said "If you cut your hair, lost a few pounds and had a shave, you'd look all right"

I said "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

Cost me a fat lip, but when you're over 60, who cares?



I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born, just by feeling her breasts.

"Really?" she said "Go on then...try"

After 30 seconds of kneading, she lost patience and said "Come on then...what day was I born?"

"Yesterday" I replied.

Cost me a kick in the nuts, but when you're over 60, who cares?



I got caught having a pee in the swimming pool the other day....the lifeguard shouted at me so loudly, I nearly fell in....

Cost me a bloody nose, but when you're over 60, who cares?



I went to the pub last night and saw this really BIG girl dancing on one of the tables...

"Good legs" I said...

"Really? Do you think so?" she giggled

"Definitely" I replied, "Most tables would have collapsed by now"

Cost me 6 more stitches, but when you're over 60, who cares?



I was at my job at the supermarket checkout when this girl came up with just two items.

"Eating alone?" I asked

"Yes " she said "How could you tell...because I've only got two items?"

"No...because you're really ugly" I replied.

Cost me my job, but when you're over 60, who cares?
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  #987  
Old 25-01-2017, 01:08 PM
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Last night I watched 'Last of the summer wine, the program where 3 creepy old men roam the countryside trying stupid stunts and getting hurt.....
My mistake, it was 'Top Gear.'

............................

What's got no teeth and smells?
The gearbox in the wife's car...

............................

Just bought some Tesco value Viagra.
It only gave me a semi but every little helps...

............................

I don't cook much.
Does anyone know how much vodka you're supposed to add to cheese on toast?

.............................

I had a central heating engineer round the other day and while he was working away he said, "I see you’re a darts man, like myself."
I asked how he worked that out and he replied, "That photo on the fireplace of you and Jocky Wilson.”
I replied, "That’s my wife mate."..

.............................

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said "Mum, I have something to tell you... I'm gay".

His mother made no reply or gave any response. Silence. Just as the man was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly "You're gay? Doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?" The man said nervously "Uh, yeah, mum, that's right".

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!"

..........................

I looked out the window and it was pissing it down.
I thought, 'Fuck it, I'm not going out in that. I'll pick the kids up from school tomorrow.

..........................

Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turned the lights off, because they were unable to see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decided to find a solution. "Honey," she signed. "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For example, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis fifty times.".

............................

I was in a nightclub in Liverpool the other day and I thought I'd try my luck with a girl standing at the bar when all of a sudden a big shaven headed tattooed thug with a moustache knock me over.

What the fuck her mum was doing there with her I'll never know?

............................

Cadbury have announced they are set to sponsor the Premier League next season and have decided to assign each team with one of their products:

Liverpool will be Turkish Delight as nobody likes them.

Chelsea will be a Freddo as they continue to become more and more expensive.

Arsenal will be a Creme Egg because you won't see them after Easter.

Leicester will be a Flake because they appear to be quite good but then they just crumble.

............................

A father walks into a book store with his son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's tes-ticles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."

.........................

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Old 26-01-2017, 01:56 PM
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I stopped breast feeding at 5.
How was your day?

.......................

How do Mexicans feel about Trump's wall?
They'll get over it.

.......................

A rich man and a poor man were sitting at a bar having a few drinks and they got chatting. after a while, they realize both of their wedding anniversaries are the next day. Poor man, “What did you get your wife for her wedding anniversary?” Rich man, “I got her a pink Ferrari and a diamond ring.” Poor man, “What made you choose those gifts?” Rich man, “She loves fast cars and I wasn’t sure about the ring so if she doesn’t like it, she can take it back in her new car… ” The poor, “Man nods in agreement.” Rich man,”What did you get your wife?” Poor man, “I got my wife a pair of cheap slippers and a dildo.” Rich man,”Why did you choose those gifts?” Poor man, ” Well if she doesn’t like the slippers she can go fuck herself.

........................

My wife's locked herself in the kitchen in a rage, after a massive argument over how miserable and tight I've become since we've been married.

She's in there now, ripping all our paper plates in half.

.........................

Have you ever had a shit so big that you needed a midwife?

.........................

I see Southampton have found the coach they used the last time they went to Wembley.
Unfortunately the horse that pulled it has died.

..........................

They say I have the legs of a dancer but until they find the rest of the body they can't prove anything.......

..........................

My girlfriend said we could work on my prostate problem together....
I said 'There's no we....'

..........................

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Old 27-01-2017, 02:19 PM
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They say I have the body of a Greek God.
I think they said Hermaphrodite...

........................

Anyone want to swap some arse gags?
I've got piles...

........................

I saw a car parked in the street completely covered in dust. Someone had wrote on the car, I wish my wife was this dirty, So I wrote underneath: Trust me, She Is..

........................

You will never guess who I bumped into, in "SpecSavers" earlier today ....???

*

*

Basically fecking everyone, including 2 Prams, 9 Customers and 3 Display Stands.....

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Beckham gets in a cab, he sees driver looking at him in rear view mirror, after abt 5 mins, driver says, ok give me a clue. Bex says, I had a glittering career at Man U, played in USA and got over 100 caps for England, is that enough?
Driver says, no you thick twat, where you going ?

........................

I just went down to PC World and splashed out on a brand new keyboard........
That'll teach them not to block porn on their demo computers...

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4 years ago Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. At the same street corner he passed a hooker standing there every day. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. “One hundred and fifty pounds!” she’d shout. “No! Five pounds!” He said from the side of His mouth, just to shut her up. This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She’d yell, “One hundred and Fifty pounds!” He’d yell back, “Five pounds!” One day, Camilla decided to accompany her ‘husband’. As the couple neared the hooker’s corner, Prince Charles realised she’d bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he’d really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he’d better have a good explanation for his Wife As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass. Then, the hooker yelled: “See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!”.....

.......................

My uncle once ejaculated on me..
Glad I got that off my chest.

.......................

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Old 28-01-2017, 01:47 PM
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Nearly lost my job as a roofer when the boss caught me wanking on the job.
It was OK though, he said I could wipe the slate clean....

.........................

I was on my way to work today, when I saw a woman driving with her hazard lights on.
I thought to myself, "At least she's honest."

.........................

My idea of dieting is blowing the sugar off a doughnut...

.........................

What's the difference between Fagin and Jurgen Klopp?

When Fagin sent his boys out they came back with Silverware.

.........................

I bet my mate £20 just now that I could make him speak like a Red Indian.

"How?" He replied.

Easy money!

.........................

I'm in a band called Dyslexia.

We've just released our greatest shit album.

.........................

I was in a job interview today. The interviewing manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."
So I put the laptop under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.
Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I said, "£250 and it's yours."

I didn't get the job

.........................

People say I'm a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine

.........................

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