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  #61  
Old 31-01-2015, 05:15 AM
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A guy goes into a Polish shop and asks the shopkeeper,
have you got the new Nigel Farage book?
The shopkeeper says, F ***off, get out and don't come back.
The guy says, Yes that's the one.
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Old 31-01-2015, 12:58 PM
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This thread is turning into an advert for the Ewok and Tuck Joke books Plc.

John.
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  #63  
Old 31-01-2015, 01:18 PM
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Too true, page 132 of the Ewokandtuck Bumper Book of Jokes....

Blonde In First Class
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her.
He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what should he do.
The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

Just want to keep this thread going as it is always good to have a laugh......
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  #64  
Old 31-01-2015, 01:50 PM
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Page 57493.....

My mate rang earlier asking if I wanted to go out for a pint:

"I can't, I'm at death's door" I said.

"Sorry mate, I didnt even know you were ill" he replied.

"I'm not" I explained, "the wifes dragged me round to her mothers house, we've just arrived."

.................................................. ...........................

Burglars have become very clever recently. Just last night my wife turned to me in the middle of the night and said "Wake up! There's somebody downstairs!" So I got out of bed and quietly checked every room.

Suddenly I realized that I don't have a wife.

.................................................. ............................

I failed my history test today. Apparently, "three centuries of inbreeding" is not the correct answer to "how did the American people evolve?"

.................................................. ..............................

The football at the Olympics had to be stopped today when it turned into Chaos. One of the Somali players was shown a red card and the supporters all rushed onto the pitch as they thought he was getting a passport.

.................................................. ...................................

When my girlfriend screams "harder.. deeper" I respond by yelling "Wetter.. tighter..." Who the fuck does she think she is?

.................................................. .......................................

As the train pulled into Bradford station, I heard 2 people talking about how the city had lost its identity to immigration.

I wanted to go and educate them about the positive influences that cultural diversity could have in a community, and the many ways in which us Pakistanis were integrating into British society.

But I was too busy trying to get a good seat on the roof.

.................................................. ........................................

I'll never forget what my Grandfather said to me just before he died.

"Are you still holding the fucking ladder?".

.................................................. .............................................

It's Holocaust week and I bumped into some people who had survived the camps. I spoke to them and said they were lucky to survive, unlike my Grandfather. They asked "How did he die" I replied "He fell out of the Machine gun tower".......
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  #65  
Old 01-02-2015, 01:40 PM
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Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told
his wife, Carolyn that
the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with
him.
Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said,
'Honey, now I only have
18 hours left to live maybe we could make love again?'
Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight
hours of life left.
He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,
'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.'
She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he
tossed and
turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
'Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?'
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,
'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny...
but I have to get up in the morning and you
don't.'
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  #66  
Old 01-02-2015, 04:32 PM
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The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and polite.
One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.
While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh sir, did you know that your barracks door was open."
He did not understand her remark, but later on happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.
He decided to have some fun with his new employee.
Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"

.................................................. ............................

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints.
All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
"Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinkin.
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  #67  
Old 02-02-2015, 12:48 PM
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While walking down the street one day, David Cameron is hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." says Cameron.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says Cameron.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts the politician to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven."
So 24 hours pass with Cameron joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
He reflects for a minute, then Cameron answers, "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and Rubbish. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the Mess and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the politician and lays an arm on his neck.
"I don't understand," stammers Cameron. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable."
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us."

.................................................. ................................
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  #68  
Old 02-02-2015, 02:06 PM
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My Mrs is a midget, she's a bit fed up of me taking the piss all the time, so, tonight I am going to treat her, nice candle lit dinner, smoochy music, nice bottle of wine and then I'll go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.....
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  #69  
Old 02-02-2015, 09:21 PM
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Jim Leslie, an elderly Scottish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

"Tell me about your staff," he asked Jim.

“Well," said Jim, "There's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful,” said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Jim.
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  #70  
Old 03-02-2015, 12:34 PM
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The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quick bout of love
making' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the
street activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:...
'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by!'
'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike!'
'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
'Jason's on his skate board!
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having a shag
Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know that?'
'Jimmy Cooper's standing on his balcony eating a Mars bar
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Old 03-02-2015, 12:36 PM
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Bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points towards employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.......but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."
The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am
to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment you know. "What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the
interviewer says,
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and
scratching our bollocks.There's no point in you coming in for that."
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  #72  
Old 03-02-2015, 01:26 PM
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My wife used to be a size eight.

Now she's a figure eight.

.................................................. .....................

Ticket to the fifty shades of grey movie £10, popcorn £5, drink £5.....the smug satisfaction that we blokes can get the same thing on pornhub for free...priceless!!

.................................................. ....................

I met a girl in the park last night. We got chatting, and things were going well, so I thought I'd try my luck.

I said, "Simon says take your top off." Off it came.

"Simon says take off your bra." Out came the tits.

After I'd groped them for a while, I said, "Simon says get naked and bend over."

I fucked her hard and came inside her. I then pulled up my pants and walked one way, as she ran off the other way, screaming.

It's great having a knife called Simon.

.................................................. ............

Anyone here with one leg?
I have a ton of socks you can have.

.................................................. ................

Really Google Autocomplete? You
honestly think I want to search for
"hardcore poem"?

.................................................. ....................

Unexpected sex – that’s a great way to wake up. If you are not in a prison…
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  #73  
Old 04-02-2015, 06:54 PM
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Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

.................................................. ..........................

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office. “Since we weren’t actually at war,” the General began, “I can’t give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What we’ve decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We’ll start on the left, boys, so what’ll it be?” Soldier 1: “The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!” General: “Very good son, that’s 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds” Soldier 2: “The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!” General: “Even better son, that’s 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds” Soldier 3: “The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!” General: “That’s a strange but fair request, son! As the general begins the measurement: “What! Son, where is your left pinky?” Soldier 3: “Falkland Island, sahr!”

.................................................. ............................

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

.................................................. .............................

The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.
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  #74  
Old 05-02-2015, 05:35 AM
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Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Stan, your nearest neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a New Year's Eve party. Thought you might like to come. It'll start at about 6:00."
"Great", says Jeff, "after six months out here I'm ready for a bit of civilization. Thank you."
As Stan is leaving, he stops and turns around. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinking"
"Not a problem" says Jeff. " I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can handle myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks again."
Stan starts to walk away, but turns around "More'n' likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem" says Jeff, warming to the idea. "I've been all
alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."
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Old 05-02-2015, 05:39 AM
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Just a warning, if John knocks on your door inviting you to a party....!
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Old 05-02-2015, 12:54 PM
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Bring some condoms......
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Old 05-02-2015, 01:05 PM
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One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, “We’re making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off.” Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, “Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don’t know whom to fire.”

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, “Barbara, I’ve got a problem. You see, I’ve got to lay you or Jack off and I don’t know what to do?” Barbara replied, “You’d better jack off. I’ve got a headache.”

.................................................. .....................

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”

The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to shag your brains out, and suck your tits dry.”

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”

He replied, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.”

.................................................. ........................

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..I just lost it.
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
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Old 05-02-2015, 05:37 PM
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A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Of course, she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

''Go ahead,' she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please ..... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?''
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Old 06-02-2015, 10:27 AM
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Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons,watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.


A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Russ!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud, that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.’
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Old 06-02-2015, 05:23 PM
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A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship". The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat". The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft". Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says. She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!" Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?" And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a motorcycle in there!"

.................................................. ....................

There's a fellow who is an avid rider. Actually he's a motorcycle fanatic. He has not missed a weekend of motorcycle riding in years. Every Saturday and Sunday morning he gets up very early and goes meets his buddies for a nice long ride. On this one morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his riding gear out of the closet, and goes out to the garage to prepare to leave. While out there it started raining a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing at 40 mph. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the Weather Channel. From there he finds it's going to be bad weather all day long. So he puts his bike back into the garage and comes back inside. He quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out riding his bike today?"

.................................................. ..........................

Q: What does a fat girl and a moped have in common?

A: They're both fun to ride, but you don't want to be seen on one!

.................................................. ..............................

Astride his shiny new 125, Frank was thoroughly excited about going riding in the mountains for the first time. After going only a few miles, Frank was surprised to see what appeared to be a half-acre of brown fur just off the trail ahead. Recognizing it as a huge grizzly bear, Frank nailed the throttle hard, hoping to get by before the bear could react. The bear was too quick, though, and with one leap was totally blocking the trail. Frank had no choice but to stop.

"Now that you've disturbed my sleep", said the bear, "you have two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." Frightened beyond belief, Frank decided to bend over.

Still sore a week later, Frank vowed revenge. Back to the cycle shop he went, where he traded in the 125 for a hot 250. Soon he was back on the mountain, heading down the trail. It wasn't long at all before he spotted the grizzly again, napping beside the trail. Feeling certain he had the necessary power this time, Frank nailed the throttle and shot ahead. But once again the bear was too quick, and again he blocked the trail. "That was a big mistake, Frank", said the bear. "But, you know the drill. Either I maul you to death or we have sex... rough sex." Fearful for his life, Frank again decided that it would be wise to comply.

This time it took weeks before Frank recovered enough to get around. But still outraged at the bear, he traded in the 250 and got the hottest 500 money could buy before heading back to the mountain. Now he could outrun the bear, and now he'd prove who was the master! And with the faster 500 under him, it took no time at all before he looked ahead and saw the huge grizzly again. Frank lowered his head, down shifted, and confidently nailed the throttle hard, rocketing ahead so quickly he was barely able to hang on. Incredibly, however, the bear was quicker still, and Frank had no choice but to come to a sliding halt in front of the bear now blocking the trail. A chill ran up his spine as he waited for the bear to speak.

"C'mon, Frank", said the bear. "Admit it. You don't come here to trail ride any more, do you?"

.................................................. ............................

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his. "Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.

"I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.

"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"

So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.

"Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off."

"And so?" asked the first flea.

"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again!"
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Old 07-02-2015, 05:57 AM
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British Hospitals - True Stories

1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . . 'My wife's going to
have her baby in the taxi'.

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and
began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the
lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the
wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St.. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow



2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,'. I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient..

Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St. Thomas’s Bath



3 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.. Not more than
five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the
rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.


4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that
he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one ?'. . .. I
asked.

'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and
now I'm running out of places to put it!'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before
applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St.. Clair , Norfolk General



5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How
long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered .'Why, not for about
twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent



6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while
checking up on a man I asked . . ... 'So how was your breakfast this
morning?'

'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get
used to the taste.' Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled
'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary.



7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple
hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos,
and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined
that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an
immediate operation..

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff
noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there
was a tattoo that read .. . .'Keep off the grass'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on
the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London

Dr. wouldn't submit his name
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Old 07-02-2015, 05:59 AM
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Bobbi, take note of no.3 Are you sure you had a heart attack?
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Old 07-02-2015, 02:42 PM
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"What the fuck are you doing!?" I said to my wife, "You've reversed the car over my Motorbike!"

She said, "It's your own fault for leaving it in the shed!"

.................................................. .......................

A Motorbike is great for quickly getting to the front of queues.

The other people in the post office are always terrified though.

.................................................. .........................

This bloke goes to see his doctor and says, "every time I fart, it sounds like a Honda Motorbike."

So the doc asks the chap to pull his pants down and bend over. Sure enough, the man farts loudly and its sounds like a Honda Motorbike.

The doc says, "you've got an abscess up your arse."

The bloke says, "surely it can't make my arse make noises like that."

The old doctor says, with a cheeky smile, "abscess makes the fart go Honda!"

.................................................. ..................................

Anyone who says marriage is an equal partnership is talking utter bollocks.

I gave up my mates, my Motorbike, drinking, drugs, gambling...

All she gave up was sex.

.................................................. .........................

I can't wait until they add Motorbike racing as an event in the olympics, just so they downgrade it to mobility scooter racing in the paralympics.

.................................................. ................................

I was picking up the new girlfriend on my Motorbike for the first time.
"Ooh what shall I wear?" she texted.

"Well if you've got any leathers I'd wear them," I replied back.

I shan't be seeing her again now ...
But the lads at the vintage motorcycle club said her gimp mask was hilarious.

.................................................. ...............................

My wife keeps falling off her new Motorbike, but she gets back on and tries again..

She's definitely got some grit in her!

.................................................. .................................

Had my 5 yr old son sat on my knee before telling him all about my favourite Christmas story..

"...and at the stroke of twelve, The Snowman came alive! We then proceeded to have the greatest adventure. We danced, we laughed, we cried, we even rode a Motorbike. At one point I was soaring through the air high over London with The Snowman and I could hear a beautiful angelic choir voice singing in my ears."

"..and that son", I finished, "Is just how good the pills really were in the 90's".
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Old 08-02-2015, 07:03 PM
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Three Cajuns go down to Mexico to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, Henri, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I just graduated from Nichols State in Thibodaux, Louisiana and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees; beg for Henri’s forgiveness, and release him. The second, Gaston, is strapped in and gives his last words, "I just graduated from McNeese State in Lake Charles, Louisiana and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.." They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees; beg for his forgiveness, and release him. The last one, Boudreaux, is strapped in and he says, "Well, den, I'm from the University of Louisiana in Lafayette and I just graduated wit ma degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug dis ting in."

.................................................. ................

A tough looking group of Bikers were out riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man gets off his bike and says "what are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide" she said

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked..."well before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does....And it was a long deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, " Wow! Tha was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl"

.................................................. .....................

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
****************************************
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products
****************************************
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
*************************************
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
*************************************
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...Good!
****************************************
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening....Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
****************************************
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
*************************************
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!!
*************************************
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me

.................................................. .............

A nasty old biker named "TAZ" walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window "I want to open a damn checking account." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old biker, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!" "I see, " says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
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Old 09-02-2015, 07:05 AM
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I made my girlfriend's dreams come true and married her in a castle. You wouldn't have thought it though from the miserable look on her face as we were bouncing around !
***
After having sex with Kylie Minogue yesterday I think there are two things you all need to know. She really is as sexy as hell, secondly the staff at Madam Tussauds are miserable b**/?rds with no sense of humour!!
***
Took the other half to a Disco last night. There was a bloke on the dance floor giving it large, breakdancing, backflips, moonwalking in fact the works. Other half says "That guy proposed to me 20 years ago and I turned him down" I replied "Looks like he is still celebrating"!
***
The Queens Royal Corgis are delighted to see Prince Phillip back at The Palace as they will no longer be blamed for peeing on the sofa!
***
Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a Nurse's outfit, a French Maid's outfit, and a Police Womans uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's definitely not for him.
***
I got sacked from my job as a Bingo Caller the other day, apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69!
***
Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"
Paddy replies "No, I only live round d'corner."
***
After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.
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Old 10-02-2015, 01:07 PM
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This valentines day I'm going to do what I do every year. Cry and masturbate on the sofa.

It really freaks out my girlfriend.

.................................................. ...............

My sex life has not been normal since I was introduced to anal fisting and bestiality videos as a kid. My mum sat me down in front of the TV and put on Sooty.

The noises that Sweep made still haunt me to this day.

.................................................. ...............

My friends and I had a competition to see who could refrain from ejaculating, I came first.

.................................................. ..............

I've smoked so much weed,I can now speak French.

Thanks,Rosetta Stoned.

.................................................. ..................

My grandad never speaks about the war, but yesterday he said to me, "Right at the beginning of the war I had the chance to shoot and kill Hitler and I totally regret missing that opportunity."

I said, "God grandad, think of all the Jewish people you could have saved."

He said, "Fuck them. With me in charge of the Nazi Party we would have definitely won the war."

.................................................. ...................

I'm starting a charity so that we can all finally help little girls in the middle east who suffer through so much.


"razors for young girls moustaches" launch their first shipment of aid this week.

.................................................. .....................

I've just been wanking over 50 shades of grey.

I bloody love Dulux colour charts.

.................................................. ........................

I always bullied myself when I was a kid.

But that's just life when you're a ginger.
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Old 12-02-2015, 01:30 PM
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Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?

I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.

So...is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?

.................................................. ...............

A Biker walks into a bar, he takes a seat at the bar and growls:

"Bartender! Get me a drink!" The bartender obliges, and the biker scarfs down the drink. Slamming the glass down on the bar, he growls:

"Bartender! Get me another!" The bartender pours him another drink. After a few more rounds, the bartender attempts some conversation:

"Sir, he says, it seems that you're visibly upset. What's the problem?" The biker looks at him and snorts:

"I just went home and caught my ol' lady screwing my best friend!"

"Oh man," says the bartender, that's rough... "What did you do?" The biker says:

"Well, I grabbed her by the hair, threw her out nekkid, threw her clothes out after her, and told her never EVER to come back."

"Wow," says the bartender in awe: "That's tough man, what did you do to your friend?"

"Well," says the biker, "I marched right back upstairs, I grabbed HIM by the scruff of the neck, and I said: BAD DOG."

.................................................. .....................

An old man went into a bar to have a drink, and watched all the girls
sitting at the counter, so he said to the guy next to him: Wow I would
sure like to have one of those girls.
The guy replied: Hey that's possible coz all the girls works for me, which
one do you want ?
The old man pointed at one of them and said how about her ?
Ok come with me, so you can meet her.
The old man replied: Hey wait a minute !! How much is this gonna cost me ?
Well it all depends on your age, how old are you ?
I just turned 89 years old.
That'll be $89 then !!
"89 DOLLARS" ??? the old man yelled, are you putting me on ?????
No that'll be $5 extra !!

.................................................. ................

Biker rolling through town on his custom, fastest bike in town. He's going around a bend when he rolls up on a cop. The blue lights come on and out rolls the cop. The biker thinks, "He'll never catch me in that car" and takes off. Several miles later the cop is still behind him as he pulls over.

The cop walks up to the biker and asks for his license. Then the cop says, "OK. I've had a crappy day, and I'm ready to head home. Come up with a good excuse for speeding away from me and I'll let you go."

The biker looks at the cop and replies, "The old lady left me last week for a cop. I was afraid it was you and you were trying to bring her back."

Cop hands him his license and tells him to have a nice ride home.

.................................................. ......................................

A biker, who worked on a horse farm, got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. Since it was a rural road with no traffic, the biker tried hard to get the trooper to let him off with a warning. Instead, the trooper started to lecture the biker about his speed, and in general began to give the biker a big hassle.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The biker said, "Having some problems with Circle Flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of Circle Flies." So the biker says--"Well, Circle Flies are common on farms. See, they're called Circle Flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a minute he stops and says, "Hey - Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The biker says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

As the trooper hands him the ticket, the biker says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
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Old 13-02-2015, 06:30 AM
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An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theatre.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,

"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The old man just groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the old man just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.


Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the disheveled man, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked,

"All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.


With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,

"The balcony."


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Old 13-02-2015, 06:32 AM
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Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

"It's Freddy. The midget."
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Old 13-02-2015, 01:26 PM
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Patient: Doctor, doctor. I've come out in spots like cherries on a cake.

Doctor: Ah, you must have analogy.

.................................................. .................

I stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly-swatter. When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered: 'Yeah, three males and two females.' Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference. He said: 'Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.'

.................................................. .................

A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.' The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.

The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'

.................................................. ............................

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages.

When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.

After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied: 'That would be fine with me.' Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

.................................................. ........................

During sex, Sam suddenly stops and remains motionless.

He then starts again and after some time stops to remain motionless once again.

This goes on for quite some time.

His wife: What the hell are you doing???

Sam: I have seen this new technique on an internet porn site... It's called 'Buffering'

.................................................. .......................

My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’

I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’

.................................................. ......................

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank fuck for that !"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"
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