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  #1  
Old 23-05-2012, 07:06 PM
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John Hopkins John Hopkins is offline
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Default Idiot!!!

I took the VT700 out for fuel tonight, I had just filled the VT1100 and the weather is nice so a 10 mile round trip to blow the cobwebs out seemed like a good idea, It started without choke which suprised me a bit, and off I went, as I went round the roundabouts I got the feeling I wasn't getting the same control as on the VT1100 and when I stopped for fuel I knew something was wrong..The revs were far too high..

Ok so I think I can do many repairs on the shadow without too much help..so..air filter cover loose? carb mounting rubbers loose?? throttle adjust screw needs adjusting???

Easiest first adjust the throttle screw..hardly any difference..air filter cover..No thats tight...that only leaves carb mounting rubbers..Screwdriver to the rubbers on the throttle adjust side (left) no difference..tighten the right..still no difference..then I notice a wire that shouldn't be there..

Some time ago I did a 520 mile round trip on the bike, and to make the journey easier I fitted a GPS unit on the handlebars, I ran the cable to a cigarette lighter socket which I mounted by the battery.. Yeah..then I unplugged the lead so that I wouldn't run the battery down..The plug was caught in the throttle return spring on the right side of the bike holding the throttle open..

John.
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Old 24-05-2012, 11:51 AM
wurzel wurzel is offline
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I did similar once - had my gt550 carbs rebuilt and after mounting them tried to start bike. Wouldn't start so pushed it round the corner to the top of a hill and tried to bump it. At the 3rd attempt and right at the bottom of the steep bit of hill it fired.

And took off like a bat out of hell - straight past the bike shop that used to be there (RMD on Northumberland Ave reading who were a Harley shop before HD went big dealer only and they shut) - they must have thought i was a total twat as i tore past at about 70 in a 30.

It wouldn't slow and if I pulled the clutch it redline so I just kept changing up - went round the roundabout (which at the time had a rough pub on it who's beer garden regulars also thought i was being a twat) with both brakes hard on slipping the clutch and set off back up the hill. Kill switched it to slow for junction at the top and when I flicked it back to run it back fired so loudly a guy sat in his BT van at the side of the road reading his paper ripped it in half and spilt his coffee all over himself.

Pulled into the drive and got off shaking with fear/adrenaline - when i calmed down i took the tank off and realised I had mounted a jubilee clip on the carb rubbers wrongly thinking i was making it easier to take on and off - instead the throttle had opened past it but then it would not let it return so I had a min throttle opening of about 80%, no wonder it was hard to start.
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Old 24-05-2012, 05:13 PM
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pmsl hahahahahahaha oh ya f***er
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Old 24-05-2012, 06:33 PM
PeteHaddock PeteHaddock is offline
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lol bet that made the old arse cheeks nip a bit!
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Old 30-05-2012, 10:20 AM
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My bike would not fire let alone start after pressure washing it off at my local filling station and so I sat patiently waiting for it to dry out. I mean, it was obvious water had got into the electrics so I continued to sit astride it and occasionally hit the start button whilst pondering why it may have suddenly developed a dislike of water or as to where the water had got in.
After nearly 40 minutes of puzzlement ... I removed the plastic bag I had used to protect the air filter... fired her up and rode swiftly home. Twat.
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Old 30-05-2012, 12:05 PM
Gregg1100 Gregg1100 is offline
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Default Idiot!!!

Glad to know it isn't only me that does things like that.
At nearly 66, I have a bit of an excuse though--age, puddled, senility--call it what you will. Lol
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Old 30-05-2012, 01:34 PM
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You have all heard about blondes being dumb right?

An ex girlfriend of mine. We had been having serious rows for a few days and I was not in the best of moods. She was about to go out but stormed back in the house shouting and swearing at me. She had started the car and by some bloody miracle had noticed the oil light was on and even managed to turn it off without being told to.

Mouthy cow demanded I go and see what was wrong. I was in no mood to help her in any way so told her, "You fucking know so much about everything sort the fucker out yourself". Off she flounced again amid much cursing and swearing.

20 minutes later the dumb bitch had managed to get the bonnet open. I looked out the window and was a tad surprised she had managed to get that far. I was even more surprised that she managed to find the dipstick!! She brought the dipstick to me, dripping oil all over the carpet and demanded to know if it was OK. I just barked at her "How the fuck should I know, it ain't my car". Much more swearing and curing from the blonde fuckwit. Mouthy bitch could swear and shout for England.

I was absolutely stunned that she figured out that the car needed engine oil. She then stormed into my garage and found several cans of oil, all marked and labelled. She dragged out one can and demanded if that was the right one. I looked and tried not to snigger when I told her that it was power steering fluid and she better not use that one. Off she goes and returns moments later with a can that says ENGINE OIL!! When asked if that was the right one I told her "The clue is in the title" Bitch glares at me and sneers before calling me a smug bastard. Then asks me where she should put it! I snapped and told her "It is no fucking good putting it in the boot, put some in the engine".

Off she storms slamming the door on her way. Some time later I hear the car start up again and off she roars with a squeal of tyres. One of my mates called me a bit later and asked if I was alright because he had seen the fire brigade at the side of the road and my soon to be EX mouthy drunken bitch girlfriend stamping her feet and having a real tizzy nearby while the firemen were busy putting the fire out IN HER CAR!

The dopey cow had tried to put engine oil in the engine via the tiny little hole in the dipstick tube and poured oil all over the exhaust manifold and from what I could make out, most of the engine too. She told me later, as I was gathering her clothes to throw her out, that as she drove off she could smell something funny and she noticed that other drivers were flashing thier lights and waving at her!! A driver behind had tried to overtake and warn her that the car was kicking out loads of smoke, but she thought he was being rude to her so she ignored him and carried on. She only stopped when the inside of the car filled with smoke.

Bitch said it was all my fault because I should have done it for her! Shame 'cos she had a lovely arse.

Chopper
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Old 30-05-2012, 02:09 PM
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many moons ago i was dating the luvvly alithon (alison with a lithp) a beauty strawberry blond (ginga to you n me) who rang one cold jan. a.m. to say her car wouldn't start....as she lived on a hill i said to give it a bump start....

I got there 20 mins later: she was bouncing up n down on the bonnet while her equally daft mate turned the ignition....

pmsl? you betcha
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Old 30-05-2012, 05:09 PM
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On the topic of silly mates and G/Fs.
Once was called to help a mate and fellow club member whose bike would not start after she left work.
Quick check i couldnt see anything so suggested we bump start it.
She agreed,told her to put it in second and off we set.
Her riding me pushing.
After what seemed to be a mile of pushing i asked her when she was going to let the clutch out.
"Didnt know that was what you did" was the retort
I didnt have the breath for a reply .
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Old 31-05-2012, 12:06 AM
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Talking of dumb ex's. My thankfully ex drunken, drugged up, money grabbing fuckpig bitch wife was not exactly the brightest when it came to things mechanical.

Despite numerous rows about her drinking, the bitch thought she knew better and kept quoting bullshit facts and figures about the amount of alcohol you drink before driving and the amount of time required between your last drink and being safe to drive.

The bitch got absolutely hammered one saturday night and had a real drunken rant at me because I wouldn't go and get her more booze. I just ignored her and went out on the bike. I got back and she was nowhere to be seen...... NOR WAS HER CAR! She appeared soon after and fell out of the car with another bottle in her hand. I was livid and had to go out again rather than slit her fucking throat or punch her stupid face in. She was falling over drunk all day Sunday and still drinking when I went to bed on Sunday night.

Before the bitch surfaced in the morning, I had jacked the car up and put two breeze blocks under the back end so the rear wheels were just off the ground. Knowing that she would just jump in and drive off to work almost certainly still way over the limit. I went off to work.

I got a phone call soon after, telling me that she had called the RAC as the clutch had gone in the car!!

Same fucked up bitch. Trying to sweet talk me, brought coffee out to the workshop one night. She wanted a lift somewhere. While she was chatting me up I took a plug out of my old FJ 1200 chop. I had just fitted high performance Dyna Coils. I put the plug into the cap and asked her to hold it for me, then hit the starter button. Made her dance I can tell ya.

While I was onto a good thing, I says to her "Whoops, sorry about that, it doesn't normally do that. Hang on a second". I took another plug out and fitted it back into the cap and gave her that one to hold as well. Dumb bitch fell for it.

Chopper
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  #11  
Old 31-05-2012, 08:26 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChopperFXR View Post
Made her dance I can tell ya.

While I was onto a good thing, I says to her "Whoops, sorry about that, it doesn't normally do that. Hang on a second". I took another plug out and fitted it back into the cap and gave her that one to hold as well. Dumb bitch fell for it.

Chopper
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  #12  
Old 31-05-2012, 08:46 AM
devon-tony devon-tony is offline
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some proper funny tales, my great wife is a genuine blonde, also born and bred in Essex, so it would take far too long to actually list all the things she has done

the immediate one that always springs to mind was the night we went out to the cinema in Southend, we went every Friday night, taking it in turns to chose films, was her choice this particular Saturday, she rushed straight over to the sales booth thing and asked about tickets for Titanic.

there was 10 friggin screens at this new cinema and she chose titanic, wouldnt mind but she had just got back that week from a trip away to the titanic exhibition.

so I moaned a little, then a little more, in fairness she had been and watched some films that I chose, but I really had to draw the line somewhere, and it was at the titanic movie that the line had to be drawn

words were exchanged and I then just shouted at her, "hey yeah great film, big ship, sails off, hits giant ice cube, sinks, most people die, roll credits"

with that she screamed at me, "thanks for ruining it you wanker"

??? I just laughed, now thats one sure way to wind people up even more when they are angry, and it certainly had the desired effect

she went off on one, I had ruined the film, I told her how it ended, well what did you expact I asked, she had met Eva Hart one of the survivors, been to the london exhibition, visited the harland and woolf dock etc, yet somehow thought that maybe they might end the film in a different way???

in the event that your reading this dear wife, I typed it slowly so you could keep up
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  #13  
Old 31-05-2012, 09:27 AM
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talking of oil, a mate of mine was a mechanic at the local vauxall dealer in town, he was busy servicing a car, when a woman came in and informed them the oil light was on and she needed assistance. so my mate sent the new apprentice to go get a couple of pints of oil and top her engine oil up.
10 minutes later the apprentice came back and proudly declared he done it!


14 pints of oil later, he`d managed to top the oil up, right to the top of the filler neck of the rocker cover!!
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