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Old 18-02-2007, 08:45 PM
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Exclamation Hello America!

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately. Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will
resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories
(excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister,
Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for
further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1.
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. 2. The
letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'.
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
letters, and the suffix 'ize' will be replaced by the suffix 'ise'. 3.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels, (look up vocabulary). 4. Using the same
twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
now" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. 5.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'U and the elimination of -ize. 6.
You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save the
ueen. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. 7.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not adult enough to be independent. 8. Guns
should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone, or speaking to a therapist then you're
not grown up enough to handle a gun. 9. Therefore, you will
no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a
vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a
vegetable peeler in public. 10. All American cars are hereby
banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you
German cars, you will understand what we mean. 11. All
intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving
on the left with immediate effect. 12. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
British sense of humour. 13. The former USA will adopt UK prices
on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get
used to it. 14. You will learn to make real chips. Those things
you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on
calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. 15.
The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred
to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of Further confusion. 16.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in
Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater. 17. You will cease playing
American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it
soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body
Armour like a bunch of nancies). 18. Further, you will stop
playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World
Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1%
of you are aware that there is world beyond your borders, your error is
understandable. 19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been
driving us mad. An internal revenue agent (I.e.tax collector) from Her
Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of
all monies due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your co-operation.
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Old 18-02-2007, 09:01 PM
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John Hopkins John Hopkins is offline
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It's not bad is it...It could do with a small mention of Hardly Davidson, maybe upgrading it to Triumph quality...but all in all a pretty good effort! John
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Old 18-02-2007, 09:23 PM
critch critch is offline
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been on john cleeses website have we
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Old 19-02-2007, 12:19 AM
J Top J Top is offline
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Come on JH we don't want them to down grade Harleys to Triumph status, think of the price crash, then any plonker could have one.
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Old 19-02-2007, 07:42 AM
odie odie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by J Top
Come on JH we don't want them to down grade Harleys to Triumph status, think of the price crash, then any plonker could have one.
I thought plonkers did have them already (harleys that is, over rated, over priced, under braked and over here)
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Old 19-02-2007, 09:44 AM
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RebuiltYorkie RebuiltYorkie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by critch
been on john cleeses website have we
No! A mate sent me it....So I though I'd start a War...Just like the Yanks do/did...Beats just sitting watching the goggle box on a Sunday!
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Old 19-02-2007, 10:44 AM
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remember last yr? someone sent it to an american bike forum, and they all threw their dummies out of the pram.
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Old 19-02-2007, 10:47 AM
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I remember that, there was death threats and evryfin......
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Old 19-02-2007, 10:47 AM
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one thing... disbanding the Senate and Congress - They're both in democrat hands so let them kick off at Geedubya first!! Democrats won at the mid-term elections so they hold the purse strings.

one other thing... 'you must go metric'...? Fuck off, we're trying to fight that over here too That would mean no pints of milk or beer, no half a pound of anything, no half ounces of tobacco, no miles, no inches - the list goes on!!!
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Last edited by Mitch; 19-02-2007 at 10:51 AM.
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Old 19-02-2007, 10:52 AM
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That sig of yours is so releveant to that post, Mitch.
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Old 19-02-2007, 04:55 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RebuiltYorkie
Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will
resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories
(excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Wouldn't that just be the original 13 states or something?
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