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Old 16-12-2005, 09:24 PM
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Default Stupid Idea

My girlfriend is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to “Well, I have outdone myself once again.”
No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future.
Here goes...
Last weekend I spied something at the pawn shop that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my “fancy” is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for my wife.
The occasion was our 1st anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.
You simply jab the prongs into your 15 stone tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you’ve never seen one of these things in action, then you’re truly missing out—way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don’t need no stinkin’ directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing!
I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I’d get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so.
Awesome! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop! Yipeeeeee!
I’m easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to her what that burn spot on the face of her microwave is.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, etc., etc.
There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.
I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. He is such a sweet pup, after all.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? It seemed reasonable to me at the time??
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
All the while I’m looking at this little device (measuring about 5” long, less than ¾ inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, “No friggin’ way! “Friggin’ way - trust me, but I’m getting ahead of myself.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.
Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I’m sitting there alone, the dog looking on with his head cocked to one side as to say, “Don’t do it buddy,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil’ ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn’t you agree?).
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.
(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight—always 20-20. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don’t ya just hate that?)
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY*********! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!!
I’m pretty sure that Arnie Schartzenegger ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The dog was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, “Do it again, do it again!”
(NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Taser, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You’re not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor . . . Then, if you’re lucky, you won’t dislodge one of the prongs ¼” deep into your thigh like yours truly.)
FUCK ME ; that hurt! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My glasses were on the TV across the room. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 10 stone, give or take an ounce or two, I’m pretty sure.
By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I’m offering a reward. They’re round, ! kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss ‘em; sure would like to get ‘em back.
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  #2  
Old 16-12-2005, 09:28 PM
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Reader's digest condensed book format.................YOU ARE GIVING YOUR MISSUS A STUN GUN FOR A PRESENT...ARE YOU INSANE!!!!
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  #3  
Old 16-12-2005, 09:30 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by excalibur
My girlfriend is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to “Well, I have outdone myself once again.”
No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future.
Here goes...
Last weekend I spied something at the pawn shop that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my “fancy” is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for my wife.
The occasion was our 1st anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.
You simply jab the prongs into your 15 stone tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you’ve never seen one of these things in action, then you’re truly missing out—way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don’t need no stinkin’ directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing!
I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I’d get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so.
Awesome! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop! Yipeeeeee!
I’m easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to her what that burn spot on the face of her microwave is.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, etc., etc.
There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.
I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. He is such a sweet pup, after all.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? It seemed reasonable to me at the time??
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
All the while I’m looking at this little device (measuring about 5” long, less than ¾ inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, “No friggin’ way! “Friggin’ way - trust me, but I’m getting ahead of myself.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.
Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I’m sitting there alone, the dog looking on with his head cocked to one side as to say, “Don’t do it buddy,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil’ ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn’t you agree?).
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.
(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight—always 20-20. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don’t ya just hate that?)
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY*********! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!!
I’m pretty sure that Arnie Schartzenegger ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The dog was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, “Do it again, do it again!”
(NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Taser, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You’re not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor . . . Then, if you’re lucky, you won’t dislodge one of the prongs ¼” deep into your thigh like yours truly.)
FUCK ME ; that hurt! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My glasses were on the TV across the room. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 10 stone, give or take an ounce or two, I’m pretty sure.
By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I’m offering a reward. They’re round, ! kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss ‘em; sure would like to get ‘em back.
Yeah, you wanna watch them things!
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  #4  
Old 16-12-2005, 09:33 PM
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If you're getting one for someone as a christmas pressie remember to get batteries!
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  #5  
Old 16-12-2005, 09:52 PM
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I can hardly read this for the tears of laughter............................you are aplonker...........................
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  #6  
Old 16-12-2005, 09:58 PM
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LMAO !! Ya silly sod !

Just a word of warning, dont get caught with the bloody thing, as the plod frown on such items
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  #7  
Old 16-12-2005, 10:13 PM
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quality................ .........................
next time,try it in the bath...........................lol
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  #8  
Old 16-12-2005, 11:04 PM
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Try it on yer knob!Gwan!You know it makes sense!
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  #9  
Old 16-12-2005, 11:10 PM
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Outstanding Private Pile........funniest read yet. Hilarious.

You pilchard.........
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  #10  
Old 16-12-2005, 11:41 PM
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would make a great party piece!! shall we book him for the 14th???
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  #11  
Old 16-12-2005, 11:56 PM
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Excellent idea. I'll go a tenner......
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Old 17-12-2005, 12:00 AM
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Ruth and myself are still laughing, having seen one in action, I was pissing myself all thru, cheers mate you have made a bad day brilliant!!!
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Old 17-12-2005, 12:00 AM
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havnt laughted that much in years.
Do it again with a video cam there
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  #14  
Old 17-12-2005, 12:02 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by griff2000
Excellent idea. I'll go a tenner......
i,ll mactch it that makes £20
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Old 17-12-2005, 12:05 AM
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excalibur thats one of the best reds in ages



giggling like a loon here

oooh definitely video cam next time
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  #16  
Old 17-12-2005, 12:10 AM
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ROTFLMAO Read my sig you know how e felt now and he pissed himself but he didn't have much say in it and i kinda lost track of time but he sure deserved it, fucker

Last edited by SatinBlack; 17-12-2005 at 12:13 AM.
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Old 17-12-2005, 12:15 AM
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what a great idea.......................................
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Old 17-12-2005, 12:19 AM
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fecking brilliant mate..

bet you wont do that again eh!!
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  #19  
Old 17-12-2005, 12:28 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by happybiker
Don't know whether thats real or made up but it had me PMSL.

Just a couple of points though. It is not a Taser as they are a trademarked device that fires darts attached to wires to provide contact points. A Taser has a range of about 3 metres.

Shocking devices (or 'stun guns' as they are commonly known) are section 5 prohibited weapons in the UK and will almost certainly fetch a prison sentence for anyone caught with one. Selling or transferring one carries harsher penalties than just owning the item.

I therefore presume that this is a made up story as no one in their right mind would admit to owning one.
Sorry to piss on your chips !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's also illegal to break the speed limit and etc etc, like i give a *****
Hope for your sake you don't piss her off when she's got PMT mate
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Old 17-12-2005, 12:31 AM
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whatever its still a dam good tale for tonight
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  #21  
Old 17-12-2005, 04:43 AM
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You Strange Strange man.

Theres an old short-short-story: it goes:
" A mad scientist made a machine to destroy the world. He pushed the Button to see if it worked and NEVER FOUND OUT."

Gawd help us if they ever sell Thermonukes on Ebay, they'll be silly sods trying to check if they've been ripped off or not.....
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  #22  
Old 17-12-2005, 06:20 AM
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BTW, stun guns, pepper spray, and CS gas cans are all classed as Firearms now, just so you know
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  #23  
Old 17-12-2005, 06:31 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by excalibur
My girlfriend is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to “Well, I have outdone myself once again.”
No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future.
Here goes...
Last weekend I spied something at the pawn shop that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my “fancy” is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for my wife.
The occasion was our 1st anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.
You simply jab the prongs into your 15 stone tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you’ve never seen one of these things in action, then you’re truly missing out—way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don’t need no stinkin’ directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing!
I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I’d get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so.
Awesome! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop! Yipeeeeee!
I’m easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to her what that burn spot on the face of her microwave is.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, etc., etc.
There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.
I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. He is such a sweet pup, after all.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? It seemed reasonable to me at the time??
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
All the while I’m looking at this little device (measuring about 5” long, less than ¾ inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, “No friggin’ way! “Friggin’ way - trust me, but I’m getting ahead of myself.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.
Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I’m sitting there alone, the dog looking on with his head cocked to one side as to say, “Don’t do it buddy,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil’ ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn’t you agree?).
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.
(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight—always 20-20. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don’t ya just hate that?)
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY*********! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!!
I’m pretty sure that Arnie Schartzenegger ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The dog was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, “Do it again, do it again!”
(NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Taser, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You’re not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor . . . Then, if you’re lucky, you won’t dislodge one of the prongs ¼” deep into your thigh like yours truly.)
FUCK ME ; that hurt! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My glasses were on the TV across the room. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 10 stone, give or take an ounce or two, I’m pretty sure.
By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I’m offering a reward. They’re round, ! kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss ‘em; sure would like to get ‘em back.
OMG Just fell of my chair laughing so much my sides are splitting........
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Old 17-12-2005, 07:01 AM
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Priceless..................!
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Old 17-12-2005, 09:29 AM
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feking brilliant what a laugh im wetting myself here omg hahahahahahahahahahaha
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  #26  
Old 18-12-2005, 08:30 AM
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I haven't larfed so much in ages! I could see what was coming but still pissed myself!

What is it when a bloke gets a "new toy" he just has to try it out, whatever the outcome,or consequences?
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Old 18-12-2005, 09:16 AM
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Very very funny story, funny but painful. Have your testicles come back now or are they still sulking in a corner somewhere?
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Old 18-12-2005, 01:07 PM
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Funny as fook, crying up here, by the way I've just seen your testicles on the A1 heading north
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Old 18-12-2005, 01:36 PM
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Where is excalibur !! hasn't been on since he posted that, wonder if he tried it again
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Old 18-12-2005, 01:37 PM
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Spike Spike is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2004
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Good job he dont have a heart condition !!
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