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  #1531  
Old 08-07-2018, 06:34 PM
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Gonna try again.....

Cannabis is not a gateway drug that leads to harder drugs.
It's more of a drive thru drug that leads to burgers and fried chicken.

...........

I’m thinking of having a sex-change. Or, as I call it, "Ditching my wife for somebody much younger."

...........

I finally found my wife's clitoris last night. Well I thought I had. It turned out to be a piece of chewing gum stuck in her pubes.

...........

Apparently men think about sex 150 times a day, whereas women only think about sex 30 times a day. This is because men don't bother thinking about that foreplay bullshit.

...........
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  #1532  
Old 09-07-2018, 05:54 PM
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Posted the first few and then blocked my second post, one more try and I give up.....

Last night my date said, "So how come you haven't already been snapped up?"
I replied, "I've been married before, but it didn't work out. She said I was far too inattentive."
"Oh, that's so sad! Did you have any kids?"
"Probably."

............

One of my mates found a lump and then had one of his testicles removed .
That's how serious he is about mashed potato.

............

I thought I'd wear my new 'budgie smugglers' to the swimming pool today.
Anyway, long story short, budgies can't hold their breath for forty minutes.

............

For anyone having doubts about Brexit.
An anagram of Neymar is Remayn. Appropriate for losers who cry like bitches.

............

I was just watching them heroic rescuers coming out of the Thailand cave , all chained together with little red helmets on.
It just reminded me of pulling love beads out of the wife.

............

The World Cup this year is no different than the fat bird you see sat on a wall at 3 am crying after a night out. We all know, its coming home!

............

Boris Johnson has resigned.
At least now he can go back to his first love of advertising Sugar Puffs.

............

Boris is going to be a hard act to follow. It's unlikely Theresa May will be able to find someone with that level of incompetence so quickly, Dianne Abbot is already spoken for.

............

What's the difference between IKEA and Theresa May?
A cabinet designed by IKEA doesn't fall apart so easily....

............

Why is no one ever the right amount of whelmed?

............

I once went on a date with a girl who didn't swallow.
Fucking soup everywhere.

............

When I bought myself a coat today, I made sure it was recycled material.
It used to be a leopard.

............

I've been suffering from depression and making a lot of visits to McDonald's.
I don't eat. I just look at the customers to feel better about myself.

............

It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys. Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty.

............

Now that my son has turned 14, my wife suggested it was time that I sat down with him and talk about having sex. It was a complete waste of time. He prefers girls.

............



............
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  #1533  
Old 09-07-2018, 05:58 PM
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I am trying to post the picture separate in case that was the problem...
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  #1534  
Old 10-07-2018, 05:19 PM
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BREAKING NEWS

Thai rescuers on their way to Downing Street to help Theresa May get out of a massive hole

............

Me and my girlfriend stopped at the motorway services recently for some breakfast.
We got two fry ups, two coffees and two jam doughnuts. I got to the cashier and I said, "I'm sorry, love, but I only have a £50 note."
"That's okay," she said, "just put the doughnuts back."

............

If this hot weather continues, we're going to have to start hassling the Nigerians for £3 a month.

............

On one hand we've got the sour-faced cow Theresa May fucking up the country, and on the other we've got the England team being the closest to a football world cup final since 1990.
So does anyone else find it rather fitting that an anagram of "a solemn bitch of gloom" is "football's coming home"?

............

Top Tip For Women:
Prove that your ex didn't have a lucky escape from an obsessive, bitter and twisted psycho
By not constantly sharing bitchy memes about exes on Facebook.

............

I don't think my parents wanted me as a child, as my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

............

Paddy was talking to Mick in the pub about the cave rescue. "I don't know what all da fuckin fuss is about Mick, the tunnels cant be that small if they managed to get 12 footballers and the fuckin coach down there"

............

What's the difference between Theresa May and a prostitute?
A prostitute will fuck the rich as well as the poor.

............

My son keeps taking the mickey out of my impotence.
I said to my wife, "I'm going to kill him."
She replied, "Just don't be too hard on him."
I said, "Don't you fucking start."

............

A team of divers have just begun the tricky operation to place Piers Morgan deep in the Thai cave system.

............

David Cameron
Nigel Farage
David Davis
Boris Johnson

The four horsemen of the incompalypse

............

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said "Who's speaking please?"
And a voice said "You are."

............

I asked my girlfriend's father for his permission before I proposed to her.
Not out of tradition, just they're from Norfolk, so I didn't want to cock block.

............

I'm far less bothered about MI5 reading my emails than the MI55U5.

............

All passengers are advised to have their electronics charged when they get to the airport for extra security checks.
You're fucked if you own anything by Apple and live more than a 20 minute drive away!

.............

Why do women have to put a label on everything?
Can't we just be two people who enjoy spending time together?
But no, I have to be her "stalker."

.............

This morning, my grandad accidentally got his sleeping pills mixed up with his viagra.
He ended up having 40 wanks.

.............

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  #1535  
Old 10-07-2018, 05:20 PM
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Separate picture again......
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  #1536  
Old 11-07-2018, 06:44 PM
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For the life of me, I can't understand why fat, unsophisticated loudmouth James Corden is so popular with Americans...

............

My son pointed up at the big blonde amorphous blob in the sky, and he said, "Look dad, they're flying the Trump in a nappy balloon already !"
"No son, it looks like Boris Johnson just got stuck on a zip line again.

............

"Jeremy Hunt: What are the challenges for new foreign secretary?"
Judging by the number of clips on YouTube from when he was Health Secretary, I'd say his first challenge is to ensure people stop mispronouncing his name.

............

I've always considered myself a lover more than a fighter.
Which made my first bar fight one to remember.

............

"I hope you're fucking happy," screamed my wife.
I don't think she meant it.

............

I sent a girl a picture of my cock this afternoon. "Sorry, I think child porn is depraved and disgusting." She replied.
Cheeky bitch.

............

I asked the librarian if he had the new book about erectile dysfunction.
He tapped his keyboard, and peered at the screen. "It's not coming up", he frowned.
I said "That's the one."

...........

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  #1537  
Old 11-07-2018, 06:46 PM
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  #1538  
Old 12-07-2018, 06:03 PM
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It looks like there will be a night of rejoicing in that dark foreign land tonight, with drinking and singing in an incomprehensible tongue whilst they celebrate England's defeat. Scotland.....

............

To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing"
Have you ever considered being more interesting?

............

BBC News: "Illegally downloading pirated films is costing hundreds of millions of pounds a year"
Fuck, what site are they downloading them off? It's free for me..

............

Had shit sex with the wife again last night, it was like Eleanor Rigby's funeral ,Nobody came.

............

If France win The World Cup, then geographically it's coming closer to home.

............

This weather is so muggy it's just beat the fuck out of me and stole my wallet.

............

The American Ambassador has lodged a formal complaint with the Foreign Secretary due to the likelihood the sight of a grotesque blimp in the shape of a giant baby may cause offence to the President of the United States during his visit to London.
The Foreign Secretary has responded by saying, "As far as I know James Corden isn't even in the country."

............

I'm Scottish, but I'd be quite happy to see England win the World Cup.
Seriously, I've got three quid riding on it.

............

I have a horse named mayo...
Mayo neighs.

............

A twenty four year old man from Liverpool has been killed in Syria after going over to fight ISIS. A family member said,
"We did try to warn him that his broken bottle would be no match for their AK 47s. "

............

"Aw, look at those adorable pandas sleeping with their backs to each other, they remind me of me and you in bed," said my wife.
"They certainly do," I replied. "They hardly ever have sex either."

............

"Someone's been eating my porridge!" said Father bear.
Mother bear sighed and poured him another bowl. Life was tough and draining for her, now that her husband was suffering from Alzheimer's.

............

BBC News: A 14-year-old girl from Bedfordshire with an allergy had to go to hospital after a kiss from a boyfriend had traces of nuts on his lips.
Not the best way to find out your bloke is gay, one would assume.

............

My wife has been seeing a faith healer three times a week. I thought she was wasting her money, but I've been proved wrong.
Despite doctors saying I am completely infertile, with the power of prayer, she is finally pregnant.

............

My wife is a bit of a tree-hugger, so she went ape shit when I ran over a frog.
I said, "Well I couldn't avoid him and it's not like they serve any purpose."
She shouted, "He was on a bloody bike and you're supposed to be driving on the right."

............

If it wasn't for heroin and crack cocaine I wouldn't be where I am today.
On a private beach In the Caribbean.

............



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  #1539  
Old 13-07-2018, 05:47 PM
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I saw an advert on TV today:
"Our over 60's plan will pay your funeral expenses when you die. You wouldn't want your loved ones to have to find the money to bury you"
Fuck me! Why don't I also build my own casket and dig the fucking hole for the lazy bastards too?

.............

I Just vaped so hard they elected a new pope.

.............

Imagine if Rylan Clark ridiculed Mike Tyson for losing to Lennox Lewis
Bit like Scotland ridiculing England for not winning the world cup.

.............

“It doesn't matter if you're black or if you’re white”
It would if you were a penguin. That would be a genetic defect, leading to being ostracised by other penguins.
Wish folk would think before they speak.

.............

Seagulls are truly the Chavs of the air.

They breed uncontrollably, steal anything they can get a hold of, mess up your car when you leave it parked, skwawk aggressively at you while you're just going about your business, and for some ridiculous reason you can get into a lot of trouble if you shoot a few in the street.

.............

According to my wife, putting the wasp's nest inside the kid's pinata wasn't remotely funny.

.............

I've got 2 GCSE's. In biology & metalwork. So if you need your cat welding....

.............

Dinosaurs were the original hipsters because they existed before the world became cool.

.............

There's actually no such bird as a 'sea'gull.
The correct term is 'airborne ASBO wanker'.

.............

Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.

.............

I tried to have sex with a Great White shark once, but lost my erection...
my leg, and half my arse.

.............

I've just been to the doctor and was diagnosed with low blood pressure.
He wrote me a prescription for two sets of Ikea self-assembly wardrobes.

.............

I was at church the other day and when the collection came around I put some Monopoly money in the basket. The priest said to me, "What are you doing? That's not real money!"
I replied, "Well, let's talk about this god of yours..."

.............

Scientology has now been officially recognised as a religion in the UK, rather than just a cult.
A cult being a group who believe in bizarre theories and superstitions, practice daft rituals and accept ridiculous restrictions on their behaviour.
Whereas a religion... erm...

.............

Why does the Bible rant on about how wrong incest and homosexuality are?
With Adam and Eve dumped in the garden of Eden with just two sons, they weren't exactly left with many options, were they?

.............

If you believe in creation as proposed in the Bible, then Adam and Eve's children would actually have had to have sex with one another for the Earth to have become populated.
This is surely proof that Alabama was at one time the Garden of Eden.

.............



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  #1540  
Old 14-07-2018, 08:59 PM
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I was sat at the dining table with my grandparents when my gran asked me "Have you found yourself a nice girlfriend yet? Such a waste, a nice handsome, young man like you."
"Well gran" I said "I'm actually seeing a girl I met on the internet."
"Oh that sounds like fun! Was that on one of those dating sites?"
"Erm, yeah something like that" I mumbled
"What's the lucky lady's name then" she asked
"AnalSlut69" I said.

............

"Pity about your boys only coming third or fourth in the world Cup, " joked Trump to Theresa May.
"Yeah, " she replied, "shit happens, pity about your boys coming second in Vietnam....Oh, you weren't there were you?"

............

Jumped the queue at the bus stop this morning.
Needn't have bothered, they don't allow stuntbikes on the bus anyway.

............

Had one of the managers at the hospital had a go at me, I am hospital radio discjockey.
He said "its wearing thin playing do they know it's Christmas all the time in the dementia wards".

.............

What's grey and comes in pints?
An elephant.

.............

My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius. Commander of the Armies of the North. General of the Felix Legions. Loyal servant to the true Emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son. Husband to a murdered wife.
And I am an alcoholic.

.............

Been watching the Wimbledon men's semi's. They can't hide them in those tight white shorts.

.............

My mate jock showed me a old Scotland flag he's had since Scotland last qualified for the world cup ' it still had a Vauxhall Viva attached to it.

..............

I have a legless dog named cigarette.
First thing, every morning, I take him out for a drag.

..............

I've finally found a condition that can be cured with homeopathic medicine.
Thirst.

..............

I'm having an African themed party....there's no food and the drinks are 10 miles away!!

..............

"Eggs, milk, bread, cheese, coffee."
(Schindler's other list)

..............

I've nicknamed my cock Nicolas Cage. It hasn't been in anything good for a very long time.

..............

I just found out my wife is having an affair.
I asked, "What the fuck does he have that I don't?"
She said, "Sex."

..............



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  #1541  
Old 15-07-2018, 06:04 PM
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Burglars broke into my house last night and said they were searching for money...
...So I laughed like fuck and searched with them.

.............

For Sale:
Used football shirts. Tunisia, Panama, Sweden, Croatia and Belgium. Only worn once (except the Belgium shirt: twice)
Contact Big Davy, 99 Argyle Street, Glasgow.

.............

When we moved to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch in Wales, I thought I'd take my son along to give the local football team some support.
That was until some twat started shouting.. "Give us an L ..."

.............

France have won the World Cup!
They ran away with it in the end .... No surprise there then.

.............

I get really pissed off with people contaminating our waters. Like yesterday, I caught some guy emptying ash into the ocean.
"You do know you're not allowed to dump your waste in the ocean?" I said, angered.
"It was my wife," he sobbed.
"Yeah right, I just saw you doing it," I replied, before punching him in the face.

.............

How is it you can throw a burnt match out of a car window and start a forest fire, but you can use two boxes of matches, a box of fire lighters, 500ml of lighter fuel and a Sunday paper but still can't light the fucking BBQ.

.............

I told my therapist I keep hearing voices in my head.
She told me I don't have a therapist.

..............

Leroy, my 83 year old Nan's physical therapist, has really helped her with the arthritis in her hands.
You should see the grip she keeps on her purse while he's around.

..............

After our side had won in the final seconds, I sprinted across the pitch and in my excitement swapped shirts with the goalscorer.
Anyway, long story short, I'm now banned from all future matches of my daughter's under 16s league.

..............

Having a cock like a horse has always proved more of a hindrance than a help to me, especially when it comes to women.
I always get the usual "Oh my god!" but more often than not, it's closely followed by "Why the fuck has it got four legs and a tail?"

..............



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  #1542  
Old 16-07-2018, 05:57 PM
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England the fourth best football team in the world.
Scotland the fourth best football team in the UK.

.............

I had a traditional English Sunday morning breakfast today.
Three quarters of a pint of flat Stella and a half eaten cold chicken tikka masala.

.............

I was enjoying my gay midget orgy, but had to leave early.
I came over a little queer.

..............

Incontinent, Incontinent, Bowel, Incontinent, Bowel, Incontinent.Bowel, Bowel, Incontinent.
Ailments in the front row of the Countdown audience.

..............

My wife said to me, "You remind me of a ninja."
I said, "What, fearless, agile and cunning?"
She relpied, "No, you're in and out before I've noticed."

..............

Two policemen were horrified to find a number of the England football team playing football with a hedgehog yesterday.
They were just about to phone the RSPCA when they realised the hedgehog was beating them four nil.

..............

British rail have developed a new high speed locomotive. Apparently it can get from London to Manchester before the fares go up again.

..............

I was speeding down the motorway at 100mph in my lorry when a motorbike came up along side me.
He looked at me...did a handstand on his bike, then tapped my window.
"You haven"t got a fag have you mate?" he said.
"A fag....you"re going to fucking kill yourself!" I shouted.
"No......I only smoke 10 a day," he said.

..............

I accidentally drank some holy water with my laxative.
I'm about to start a religious movement.

..............

My wife hates it when I pee in the shower...
Especially when her mum's using it.

..............

Neil Young has stated that he is going to stop offering music to online streaming services due to poor sound quality.
If that's the reason then maybe he should stop singing as well.

..............

People always say that two heads are better than one.
Until it's their baby.

..............



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  #1543  
Old 17-07-2018, 06:17 PM
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It was my birthday last week and my girlfriend asked me if I wanted a pair of Nike Air Max trainers for my present.
I told her to just give me head and i would be more than happy.
Anyway, I've got a brand new pair of Head trainers size 8 if anyone wants them.

............

I spotted a geezer on the bus wearing a T-shirt that read, "This is what a feminist looks like."
Fair enough, he had a flat chest and facial hair.

...........

New "Southgate" brand viagra launched:
Will get you a semi' in even the most hopeless of cases.

...........

What TV programme does Peter Sutcliffe like to watch in jail?
Whores under the hammer.

...........

A hosepipe ban? What am I supposed to beat the kids with now?!?

...........

My Grandad shrugged and said to me "This is not the country I fought for lad." I said "I know Grandad. You were a Messerschmitt pilot in the Luftwaffe."

...........

Hosepipe ban coming into to force in the north of England...
Oxfam ad currently being aired in Ethiopia “Dave has to walk 4 miles for clean drinking water, from a dirty corner shop filled with parasites.
If you can send just £3, he could get the bus!

...........

The generation who claimed the older generation ruined their future by voting Brexit are the generation who 2-years ago were chasing imaginary Pokemon.

...........

I told the wife, "My mate Dave went deaf at a Justin Bieber concert he took his daughter to"
"Was he standing to close to the stage?"
"No, he shoved his car keys through his ear drums"

...........

I was leaning over a wall in complete agony.
A lady was passing by and I asked if she could help by administering my medication.
"Sure, I will help," she said, but wasn't so pleased when I handed her my haemorrhoid cream.

...........

I was chatting to a girl on a dating website and during the conversation she messaged me "ROFLMAO PMSL"
I thought "Great, she's Welsh" and logged off.

...........

Microsoft to axe 18,000 jobs.
Can't they just let the employees run in the background?

...........

Warning: This movie 'MAY' contain nudity?
Either it does or it doesn't, don't waste my fucking time.

...........



...........
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Old 18-07-2018, 06:37 PM
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If a woman ever pulls a knife out on you during an argument, pull out some bread, butter and cheese.
Her instincts will kick in and she'll make you a sandwich.

...........

A Vegan is someone who cries at the sight of a leather shoe.
Yet feeds their pet cat Tuna flavoured horse from a tin.

...........

Today, in honour of what would of been his 100th Birthday.
I have just seen a bunch of dyslexic Africans putting flowers at the door of Nissan Main Dealers..

...........

The only diet I seem to be able to stick to is the one that just involves saying no to food.
"Is that enough chips for you?"
"No."

...........

Tried phoning marriage guidance counselling earlier but had trouble making myself heard.
They said, you're breaking up ….
The wife took the news very badly.

...........

I’ve just called my new Rottweiler ‘Names’.
Let’s see what the Chavs up the road say about sticks and stones now.

...........

Just watched a really shit Ethiopian Shadows tribute band
They were all Hank Marvin....

...........

Save money instantly by turning your sofa into a sofa bed simply by forgetting your wedding anniversary.

...........

Apparently, Fifty Cent's name before his fame was Arthur Dollar.

...........

Boots chemists are doing 3 for 2 on all hearing aids. Who the fuck has 3 ears?

...........

My wife has long brunette hair and still looks just like my favourite singer from when I was younger... and a lot of guys probably think that this would be awesome.
But unfortunately, my favourite singer is Meat Loaf.

...........

And as the sperm wriggles its way towards the egg, I cannot help feel I may have ruined my full English breakfast.

...........

I switched off my wife's life support machine last night and realised how strong a person I am.
You try unplugging something while four doctors try to wrestle you to the ground.

...........

Me and the wife have just been for our 12 week scan.
The doctor said, "Mr and Mrs Keemier, I'm pleased to say you are having a baby boy."
The wife won't let me call him Luke.

...........

When my wife caught me in bed with her sister she said, "You're dead to me"
I said, "Well at least that explains your sexual performances for the last fifteen years".

...........

I'd tell you what my sexual fetish is but then I'd have to kill you. Which is ironic really.

...........



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Old 19-07-2018, 05:59 PM
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A boy is watching tv with his dad when a sex scene comes on...
"Well son, time for bed" the dad says, "But dad I'm 16" complains the son... the dad replies "I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me wank".

............

My girlfriend was brushing her teeth before bed and shouted through to me "The mouthwash seems to be lasting a lot longer than usual."
"That's because I've been spitting it back in to the bottle babe, saves a few quid." I shouted back.

............

Went on one of those gay pride events .
I got bummed by a lion.

............

My wife's a really bad loser, she's divorcing me for cheating .
For fuck sake it was only monopoly.

............

BBC = Beaten By Cliff.

............

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat...
'Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden' she said.

............

Saw some Australian geeza put on his snapchat, ‘Going to catch some rays.’
I thought he was going for a sunbathe but next thing I see is ‘RIP Steve Irwin’ all over the news

............

Important Information For Females On Facebook:
If you take the trouble to inform us all that you 'don't give a fuck' what anyone thinks of you...
You do.

............

Don’t you just hate it when your finger rips thru the toilet paper and you get shit all over your hand and down your fingernails?
I’d say it’s the worst part of my job in the care home.

...........

A new search of Cliff Richard's mansion has yielded some upsetting and shocking results.
The cunt has recorded a new album.

...........

Live at home?
Wait until your Dad falls asleep on the sofa, change the channel to Gay TV, dot a few tissues around him.
Watch the hilarious reactions from your mother.

...........

If a lesbian "cock blocks" another lesbian, would it then be considered a "beaver dam"?

...........

My lesbian sister enthusiastically showed me her new strap on.
Not only does she get more girls than me, she now has a bigger penis too.

...........

So the U.S. is now allowing gays to serve openly in the military. It gives a whole new meaning to "never leave your buddies behind".

...........

Did you hear about the gay truckers? They exchanged loads.

...........

Recently a mate of mine told me the best way to rid yourself of your fears is to "flood" yourself with whatever scares you until you are no longer worried by it.
I have to say that it was a very painful way to deal with my homophobia.

...........

I was on Family Fortunes recently. Where I was asked: "to name something associated with fairies".
Apparently, "Brighton", wasn't the answer they were looking for.

...........

I keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia.
Which is the one about being in a closet?

...........

I'm going to sue McDonald's.
I ate six Happy Meals today and now I hate myself.

...........



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Old 20-07-2018, 04:43 PM
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Rudyard Kipling may be accused of being a racist but he did write some exceedingly good poems.

...........

I had the Hiroshima Breakfast this morning.
One giant mushroom and loads of burnt soldiers

...........

I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend.
He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.

...........

I like to play hopscotch with my little girl.
Every time she hops, I have a glass of scotch.

...........

What's the difference between James Corden and a man-eating lion?
Hopefully, about 6 inches.

...........

Theresa May has announced proposals to remedy the Irish border problem.
It's simply a question of how many Megatons the device needs to be.

...........

How to survive a schoolshooting?
Don't commit suicide when the cops arrive.

...........

On a flight back from Russia, a flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately. “Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened, and the man she is with, is a fat, sweaty old slob who looks like a sexual deviant!” The captain responds, “You must be new here. This is Air Force One.”

...........

How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
It takes two, very tiny people, to screw, in a lightbulb.

...........

If I had a choice of being gay or owning a Mac, I'd choose being gay. Because if I chose the Mac, I'd be gay and own a shitty computer.

...........

I invited the lads around for an afternoon of booze and sport. But apparently rosé wine and rhythmic gymnastics makes me "gay".

...........

What should a wife do if she finds out her husband is gay? Take it like a man.

...........

I did two hours straight in the gym earlier. Then this really cute guy walked past.

...........

Some people are begging for trouble. I never have to work that hard.

...........

"When the pupil is ready, the teacher will come."
Great Chinese proverb. Horrible defense in court.

...........

Went to the doctors with my girlfriend today to get the results of her scan.
"I'm afraid it's bad news. We've found an ugly looking growth in her uterus" he explained.
"Holy shit! She's got cancer?" I cried
"No, it's worse" he said, "She's pregnant with your child"
Bastard.

............

It's been reported that George the VI on meeting Hitler pre-war said "He seems really decent"
To be honest I thought that when I married my wife but she also turned out to be an evil dictator.

...........

I just walked into my son's bedroom to find him performing a horrific homosexual act. He was sat there reading Twilight.

..........



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Old 21-07-2018, 05:12 PM
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Me and my workmates had a great laugh in the office today, drawing offensive caricatures of the Prophet Mohammed.
The only guy who didn't do one was Abdul, but he said he'll be in tomorrow with something to blow us all away.
It must be a cracking drawing if he's working overnight on it.

..........

While in town today I saw a homeless woman and I remembered seeing something on facebook about giving them feminine products instead of money. Feeling suddenly very generous I rushed into Boots and two minutes later presented the homeless woman with a carrier bag. She thanked me, looked in the bag and with tears in her eyes asked me........"Where the fuck am I going to plug an iron in?"

..........

I was hopeless at asthma,until I discovered I could cycle.

..........

My five year old son said he wanted a tree house in the back garden.
Twenty years growing a tree and now the cunt doesn't want it anymore.

..........

I'm not saying that this heatwave is going on a bit, but I've just had an Ethiopian filmcrew turn up at my front door.

..........

So.... When the machines rise up against the humans....I REALLY hope I'm nowhere near a dildo factory....

..........

The British government is in trouble today for using google translate to provide the German edition of the White paper on Brexit. I have managed to obtain the one page 'janet and john' summary :

eine Nation ein Volk: Englisch, nein nach Europa, zwei Weltkriege und eine Weltmeisterschaft. Doo Dah, Doo Dah.

..........

Peter Sagan won another stage of the Tour de France today. I'm just trying to work out how close the colour of his jersey is to his urine sample.

..........

As I arrived at the prison showers I realised I'd forgotten my soap.
However, I was amazed at the number of bars of soap left abandoned on the shower room floor for no apparent reason.
"Well, I'll be buggered" I thought.

..........

Prison rape is a bit like prostate cancer, it all begins with a bad cell and before you know it, your arsehole's in tatters.

..........

When life gives you lemons...
Be glad it wasn't herpes.

..........

As I sailed in to harbour in my yacht, the customs boarded it to inspect me for smuggling. I don't have any drugs on board whatsoever I told them.
You can ask any of my 634 Syrian crew members.

..........

"Would you have sex with the lights on, or is that too kinky?" I asked my new girlfriend.
"No, that's not kinky at all," she replied.
"Great!" I said. "You stand there with your arms spread and I'll go and get the Christmas tree box."

..........



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Old 22-07-2018, 06:57 PM
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Why don't people in Coronation Street ever look at the TV magazines in the newsagents to find out what is going to happen to them next week?

...........

1, 2, 3, 4, 5 once I caught a fish alive
6, 7, 8, 9, 10 then I let it go again
Oh! Why did you let it go?
Because the EU told me to.

...........

I bought some garden furniture today. The box said the wood was from a well-managed forest.
They must've chopped up Brian Clough's old desk.

...........

Japan has been suffering a severe heat wave this summer, with over 30 people having passed away. Max temps up to over 105 degrees f. An former mayor of Hiroshima described it as "a bit parky in comparison really".

...........

I forgot to go to Hypochondriacs Anonymous today
I bet it's early on-set Alzheimers

...........

You can judge how low class an area is by the amount of times you find yourself asking this question:
"Is that her boyfriend or her dad?"

...........

Sky News: " Call for total ban on Duckboats "
The NDA have protested that Duckboats don't kill people , People kill people.

...........

I don't like to brag, but I have a huge sex drive.
It's up to almost 5 TB.

...........

I'm starting a magic show where the final reveal is me feeling a woman's breasts.
My stage name is going to be David Coppafeel.

...........

The Pope has admitted that there is a 'gay lobby' at the centre of the Vatican.
I thought the Catholic Church didn't tolerate homosexuals, far less build them their own waiting area.

...........

Doctor said I need to lose weight.
"What's the heaviest you've been?" he asked.....
"18 & a half stone" I told him.
"And what's the lightest you've been?" said the doc....
"7lb 4oz" I replied.

...........

I've been smoking cigarettes since 1992.
Since then I've tried nicotine patches, hypnosis, cold turkey, gum and e-cigs, but to no avail.
Still, if the Government puts them in plain packaging I'll never touch another one.

...........

Teacher: "Today, children, I want to know your pet hates"
Little Jonny: " Me flicking his bollocks, miss"

...........



...........
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Old 23-07-2018, 05:05 PM
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Give a man a fish, and he can eat for a day.
But teach a man to fish, and he will bore you to fucking death with fishing stories.

.............

After being told the EU had made a formal application to the UN for help in dealing with the African migrants in the Med, President Trump has offered to send a fleet of duck boats.

.............

I don't know why chavs are so fat and lazy.
Considering the amount of fucking energy drinks they consume.

.............

The Hitler salute seems to be popular form of acknowledgment between fellow bus drivers.

..............

Someone told me that Frankie Boyle was dark and sick.
The lying cunt, there I was imagining a dying Ethiopian but turns out he’s a pale, ginger Scot.

..............

Two members of "The Beatles" are to go to America where they may face death.
But as John discovered , that's the risk you take.

..............

Paddy sitting in a pub in London. All of a sudden Theresa May walks in and wanders straight up to Paddy.
“Have you any ideas on how to sort out the Irish border after Brexit?”, Asks Theresa.
“No sorry”, replies Paddy. “This time the joke is on you”

..............

I had a letter come through my letterbox this morning addressed to 'The Occupier'.
So I've sent it to the correct address, the state of Israel.

..............

If you leave a child in your car during this hot weather please ensure a window is open so they can at least have a fag.

..............

What do you call a man who combines necrophilia and bestiality by fucking dead animals?
No, it isn't a joke, I'm trying to fill in the 'Hobbies and interests' section of my job application.

..............

I've just done a 2 month spell in jail, and I can confirm that the rumours about the "soap" are 100% not true.
They use shower gel now.
Which actually acts as a handy lubricant.

..............



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Old 24-07-2018, 05:09 PM
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Paddy phoned the hairdresser and said, "I would like to book a haircut but I need to know if your salon is upstairs or downstairs". The hairdresser said, "why do you need to know that?" Paddy replied "Murphy told me if you get your hair cut down below it makes your knob look bigger"

..........

Every time Theresa May makes a promise........
She Brexit.

..........

My Gran broke her leg in 3 places today.
Landing, stairs and hallway.

..........

When I came home from work yesterday, my missus told me that two builders doing an extension on a house across the road had been wolf whistling her and shouting "Gerrem off,sexy" as she walked past.
This had upset her and she demanded that I do something about it.
So this morning I confronted the two builders and did the only honourable thing that a husband and gentleman should do.
I said that I'd booked them both in for an eye test at Specsavers.

..........

Why is it called Virgin media if my internet goes down on me every single night?

..........

My ex has fallen on hard times and has taken a job cleaning at McDonalds.
Let's see if she can start by wiping this smug grin off my face.

..........

I think if I had a choice of having either a demon or a priest inside me, I think I'm going to go for the demon. At least when the demon's exorcised, it's cast back into hell instead of just being relocated to another parish.

..........

Whenever I'm in trouble, I think: what would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.

..........

I rang my insurance company to let them know I was going to a bukkake party. They assured me I would be covered.

..........

Sex is like a drug to me.
I need to go into town at night to buy it.

..........



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Old 25-07-2018, 06:12 PM
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I've been watching highlights of the Tour De France and, admittedly I'm no expert, but it seems that the best way to win is to wear a yellow t-shirt....

...........

My Dad said he was fed up with brown people coming here and not bothering to learn the language.
So he retired to the Costa Del Sol.

...........

I just got diagnosed with the big C
Dyslexia.

...........

Never mind Novichok , Salisbury is soon going to be covered in Dog-shit:
"Do Not Pick up Anything that You have not Dropped Yourself!"

...........

Birkenhead McDonalds are doing the wrap of the day.
Today is heroin.

...........

"Pakistanis vote after bitterly contested and violent campaign"
I hope Councillor Khan retains his seat; Rochdale won't be the same if he doesn't.

............

The speed in which a woman says "Nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the coming storm.

............

Judging from the covers of countless women's magazines, the two topics most popular to women are:

1) Why all men are disgusting pigs
2) How to attract men

............

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So now I have two.

............

When my wife finally awoke from her coma in the hospital this morning , I decided to give her the good news first.
" Darling , the doctors say you're going to pull through."
" Tell me the bad news ", she whispered.
" You've failed your driving test. "

............

Church booked - Check
Flowers - Check
Cars - Check
"Get your suit on lad," I said to my son. "We're going to be late".
"But Dad," he replied. "The doctor's said that she's still got a faint pulse".

.............

For Friar Tuck....Whenever my wife uses the phrase “I was thinking.” that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.

.............

After watching some soppy film my girlfriend texted me:
'Love, if I waz turkish wud u lern turkish 4 me?'
I replied, 'Yes, of course darling. Would you learn English for me?'
'yh, corse I wud'.
'No, I mean, please, would you?'

.............



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Old 26-07-2018, 08:17 PM
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Greece are now trying to pay Their debts by burning their country for the insurance money.

............

I pity the life of Anne Frank. First she gets her diary published which is every girls nightmare. Then she doesn't even get to profit from it which is every Jews nightmare.

............

Discovered a great new dating website for meeting Greek women. It's called Cinder.

............

I got a corporate gig at Sadiq Khan's office, so my opener was:
"What do you call a caribou with two shorts legs and two long ones?"
But before I could finish my joke, someone shouted from the back, "Oi, no jokes about moose limbs."

............

All those captured isis fighters who flew the black flag of islam in thier black uniforms and black head scarves.
Off to Guantanamo, it seems that orange really is the new black.

............

The goverment has set up a task force to see if they can introduce a subscription service offering products with recyclable/reusable packaging, delivered by electric vehicles.
I had a Milk round 25 years ago, we used glass bottles and an electric float i wonder if that would help them?

............

I've been invited to a neighbour's later for drinks with nibbles!
They treat that cat like royalty!!

............

My Grandad was a bit of a hoarder. He never liked to throw anything away.
He died in the war holding a hand grenade.

...........

I never thought that I'd have any sexual feelings towards another man, until I got drunk with Simon and his partner.
I got bi with a little help from my friends.

...........

Security has been stepped up at Heathrow Airport, and armed police are patrolling every terminal.
It's done nothing to hold down crime at the airport, though.
They're still charging four pound fifty for a cheese toastie.

...........

I said to my lover, "Our relationship is like a Disney movie."
"That's cute," she giggled, "I'm your princess and you are my charming prince?"
"Not exactly, I've shagged seven dwarfs."

...........

My trip to the farm was completely ruined when I caught my wife in a barn having sex with one of the animals. I think it was Eric Burdon.

...........

Paddy's wife came home after a long day at work and said, "I'm fucking sleepy."
"How could you?" he demanded, "Cheating on me with a dwarf !"

...........

I was lying on the sofa watching the football when my wife knelt beside me, unzipped my jeans, and took my cock in her mouth.
Anyway, one thing led to another ... and it went into extra time and we won on penalties.

...........



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Old 27-07-2018, 06:22 PM
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We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare.
Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

............

Went to see a concert performance by the royal bermuda philharmonic orchestra .
Half way through the first symphony the triangle player vanished.

............

A bloke goes to an optician carrying a violin case. The optician sits him down at his desk and asks " before I test your eyes do you have anything concerning you ? ". The bloke puts the violin case on the table and snaps it open and inside there is a shit the length of the case and nearly as wide.
The optician jumps up and screams " You dirty bastard ,get out of my fucking office and take that with you " the bloke casually says " I did that " . The optician says " you did that ?, its a fucking doctor you want not an optician, now fuck off out" . The bloke says " you don't understand... every time I do one of them , my eyes water"

............

I got a phone call yesterday, "Hello Sir, please could I speak to the bill payer in your household," He asked,
"not a problem mate, hang on a minute while I go and find the DWP,s phone number for you," I replied.

............

Very exciting and emotional to see Geraint Thomas on the verge of winning Tour de France.
This has been my dream ever since I became a cycling fan earlier this week.

............

Fuck me, it's hotter than Demi Lovato's kitchen spoon out there today.

............

The conductor of my wife's lie detector test revealed that my wife had been unfaithful.
"How reliable are these results?" I asked him.
"Very," he replied, "She sucked me off in the car park earlier."

............

I just broke up with my girlfriend and burned every single picture I had of her. Now I need a new phone.

............

A buddy of mine inquired as whether I ever stooped to paying for sex.
I reminded him that I have children, so yes I've paid dearly for it.

............

A picture of a British police officer helping an elderly black man with his shopping has gone viral.
Americans are wondering at which point did the officer shoot and kill him.

............

Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.

............

I tried a vegan recipe book last night.
It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.

............



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Old 28-07-2018, 05:01 PM
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This really fit woman with massive tits and a short skirt got into the lift with me. The lift then stopped.
"Great she said how long are we going to be stuck in here for?"
"Dunno, " I replied, "maybe hours. " and as she got hotter she started to unbutton her top a little more. Then she noticed my erection and started to smile, after a few minutes I had her naked and was balls deep in her. We finished our fuck and she started to get dressed, "I've never seen you in here before, what department do you work in? " She asked.
"Oh, I don't work here, " I answered, "I'm just here to fix the lift. "

...........

Did you know that by placing your genitals in the freezer for 5 minutes lowers your body temperature quicker than any other body part.
It is also the quickest way to get a lifetime ban from Lidls.

...........

I'm at a good place in my life right now, not emotionally, I'm in the off licence.

...........

My mates fruit and vegetable business has gone into liquidation.
He now sell smoothies.

...........

My new neighbour chapped the door earlier and asked.."what's with all the melted plastic spoons in the back lane?"
"Don't worry about that." I said.
"That's just Paddy, the local junkie."

...........

When my girlfriend and I got together 4 years ago she used to say "I love putting my head on your chest when you're sleeping so i can hear you breathe."
This morning I got "I recorded you snoring last night so you can hear how fucking loud you are and why i can't fucking sleep."

...........

Leotard- A moron born at the end of July...

...........

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, it's been a good day.

...........

My friend said to me "Why do women cheat?"
"We've all been there, mate" I replied
"You've been cheated on?" He asked.
"No, I meant your girlfriend".

...........

We should've known communism would fail.
There were a lot of red flags.

...........

If I'm ever on life support, unplug me...
Then plug me back in, see if that works.

...........
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Old 29-07-2018, 06:25 PM
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I think as part of the UK citizen test, the applicant should be made to eat a full traditional English breakfast.

.............

Jack and Jill went right downhill
Cuz Jill was in denial
Jack sold smack and pimped Jill's crack
And went on Jeremy Kyle

.............

When I moved into my country cottage, I was told that the deeds entitled me to graze animals.
So I've been dragging cats behind my motorbike.

.............

It used to be called "methamphetamine"
But they renamed it "meth" so it's easier to say when you have no front teeth.

.............

After hearing about Kanye West's recent suicidal thoughts, I started a collection just to let him know we're thinking of him.
So far I have rope, sharp knives and 5 litres of petrol.

.............

Well so much for the Great British Summer eh? You can't plan a fuckin barbeque or a picnic in the park in this fuckin country without it pissing it down.
I'm off to Greece.

.............

Recent Results for Lion King FC:

A win, away,
A win, away,
A win, away,
A win, away.

.............

How times have change:

DAILY MAIL front page, January 15, 1934: "Hurrah for the Blackshirts"
DAILY MAIL front page, July 28, 2018: "Corbyn loses the PLOT over anti-Semitism scandal as second rebel MP brands party a 'sewer'"

.............

"Prepare for a united Ireland, says ex-DUP leader Peter Robinson"
I think it's more likely the Irish Republic will be annexed by Nigeria.

.............

I think historians are wrong when they claim Beethoven was def.
Dat sucka couldn't rhyme fo' shit. Word up.

.............

My wife reminds me of a newspaper.
Because there's a new issue with her every fucking day.

.............

In my minds eye I can imagine a world without war, a world without hate, a world of peace and love...
Then I can imagine us attacking that world, because they'd never fucking expect it...

.............

She wanted to try role play phone sex - so I suggested I be IT technical support - It worked it treat, it turned her on, then off, then on again.

.............

Stunning High definition. Super slow-motion replays. Pause Live TV.
The Commonwealth games, women's gymnastics, just got interesting.

.............

I'm a vice chairman.
Although the cops prefer the term 'pimp'.

.............

Scientists have finally agreed that the closest we will ever get to perpetual motion is the Palestine/Israeli conflict.

.............

"How did you get on?" I text my dyslexic friend after his boxing match.
"OK" he replied.

.............



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Old 30-07-2018, 05:33 PM
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Jewish MP Luciana Berger says that she gets anti-Semitic abuse in language reminiscent of the 1930s.
Give that girl a star for speaking out.

............

My girlfriend moaned, "I had to walk home in the rain and now I'm really wet."
"You get turned on by the weirdest shit," I replied.

............

Whilst shopping earlier I noticed that certain types of shampoo are now vegan friendly.
It seems those cunts will eat anything but animal products.

............

I burnt my betting slip in disgust earlier. I had a Grand on the Welsh guy to win the Tour de France but I've just heard some British cunt won it.

............

Knock, knock
"Who's there?"
Biggest mistake Anne Frank ever made.

............

Doctor: I'm afraid you have asthma
Patient: What do you recommend?
Doctor: A bike.

............

To the guy who stole my antidepressants,
I hope you're happy now.

............

The only thing Flat-Earthers fear
Is sphere itself.

............

Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.

............

I'm willing to bet the most popular auto correct on Lil Wayne's phone is, 'Did you mean to say, bigger?'

............

The Welsh are making a remake of a popular Nicolas Cage film. Goat rider.

............

What's the most popular bumper sticker in Afghanistan?
"My other car is ticking."

............

99% of Japanese are cremated, the highest rate worldwide It has remained popular since it was introduced by the Americans in 1945

............

If Palestine were spelled Palestein, Israel would probably leave them alone.

............



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Old 31-07-2018, 04:26 PM
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An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scot are captured by the Iraqis.
The Iraq troop leader says, "we"re going to shoot you, but we will give you one last request."
He says to the Welshman, "what"s your last request?"The Welshman says, "I want a thousand Welshman singing "Land of my Fathers".""Okay, you"ve got it.
What about you?" he says to the Scotsman."I want a thousand Scots pipers piping Scotland the brave," says the Scot."You"ve got it" says the Iraqi.
"What"s your last request?" he says to the Irishman."I want a thousand Irishman doing the Riverdance" says Paddy."It"s yours" says the Iraqi.
Turning to the Englishman, he says, "and your last request?"
The Englishman says, "fucking shoot me first".

.............

Stormy Daniels is doing porn again. Say what you want about Donald Trump, but he fucking gets people back to work.

.............

What job ads really mean

Competitive salary
We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.

Join our fast-paced company
We have no time to train you.

Casual work atmosphere
We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

Some overtime required
Some every night and some every weekend.

Duties will vary
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

Must have an eye for detail
We have no quality assurance.

Career-minded
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

Apply in person
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the position has been filled.

Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience
You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.

Problem-solving skills a must
You're walking into perpetual chaos.

Requires team leadership skills
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

Good communication skills
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

...............

My wife came into the lounge and asked why our two year old son was crying.
"He kicked me in the balls," I snarled.
"It's not his fault," she said, "he doesn't understand that it hurts."
"He fucking does now," I replied.

...............

I went on a date with a woman whose online profile said she had an 'infectious smile'.
She had cold sores.

...............

If I become a Zombie the last thing I'd wanna do is walk around. Are there any Reclining Dead?

...............

"'Impossible' to make Mars like Earth with current technology - NASA study"
On the other hand, it would be easy to make Earth look like Mars, especially if Donald Trump declares war on Iran.

...............

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said, "thanks, how do you know I’m not a serial killer?" I replied, "the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical."

...............

If there's one thing I learned growing up, it's that everyone has to pay for their own mistakes.
Except for the government.
Somehow you have to pay for theirs too.

...............

My African friend told me he had two wishes: To be a millionaire, and to live in a land where blacks aren't persecuted.
So I've had him deported to Zimbabwe.

...............

Capitalist Americans have worked very hard, for decades, to make only one country in the whole wide world a 'Superpower'. Who own almost everything and control all the money on the planet.
Communist China.

...............

"I'll be making my wife moan later."
"Ah, because it's National Orgasm Day?"
"No, because I'm bound to have done something wrong."

...............

My wife hates it when I tell her that she's just like her mother.
Especially when we're having sex.

...............

Britain's 3 most popular piers are Brighton, Blackpool and Eastbourne.
The least popular is Morgan.

...............



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Old 01-08-2018, 05:21 PM
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Jeremy Hunt got home from the office after a hard day of killing off the poor and finds his wife being fucked by Jacob Rees Mogg,
"Darling, I'm sorry for my mistake but this is outrageous, " He yelled.
"Oh I'm so sorry honey I thought it was you, " she replied, " you tory MPs all look the same to me. "

.............

Woman's Quote of the Day:
"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."
Man's Counter-Quote of the Day:
"Women are like a fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a fucking headache."

.............

With all this media attention on celebrity abuse during the 70's
I'd like to press charges against Pan's People who made me abuse myself at 7 o'clock every Friday night from the age of 11.

.............

Teamwork is essential,it allows you to blame someone else.

.............

Jeremy Hunt loves wanking.
Especially when the spunk shoots out of his Chinese eye.

.............

Boris Johnson and Jacob Rees-Mogg both went to Eton.
Surely this indicates there is a strong case for it being placed in special measures.

.............

To all those women who complain about there being no decent men around:
Have you ever considered that they may be too smart to invest all their emotions into someone who watches Love Island?

.............

Disney announces Toy Story 7....Andy is in his 60's. His Buzz and Woody are from medical marijuana and Viagra..

.............

Labour are being criticised for comparing holocaust victims and those killed by Israeli soldiers, when there's no comparison.
Holocaust victims families weren't invoiced for Army expenses.

.............

BREAKING: David Villa signs for Villa, Antonio Valencia signs for Valencia, Nile Ranger signs for Rangers & Danny Shittu signs for Liverpool.

.............

It's always amazed me just how many wars there are and always have been in the Middle East, and it got me thinking...
What they could do with is a religion of peace.

.............

"Can I still be the guitarist I used to be?" I asked the surgeon before my operation.
"You'll be the same as ever." he promised.
"Are you sure, with no hands?"
"Trust me," he said, "I've seen your band play."

.............

My job interview didn't go too well last week.
'WE ARE LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY WHO WOULD LIKE TO BE PART OF A TEAM'
I painted myself black, wore loads of jewellery, got my hair cut into a Mohawk and I still didn't get it.

.............

I’ve been dating a homeless woman and it’s starting to get serious.
She’s asked me to move out with her. . .

.............

Watched Twilight earlier and thought it was shit. Three fucking films based on that pathetic love triangle with Bella unable to choose between Edward and Jacob.
Have they never heard of a spit roast?

.............

Why is it that Tampax adverts always show women ice skating, dancing or playing volleyball?
The only activity my missus partakes in at that time of the month is biting my head off.

.............

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?
Church.

.............



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Old 02-08-2018, 05:10 PM
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My friend decided to play a game. He scrolled down his Facebook newsfeed and had a shot of whiskey every time he saw a woman whining about something
He's dead now.

.............

I was so fed up with being cheated on by girls I brought one of those Ai robotic sex dolls for companionship.
Just caught her in bed with the hoover!

.............

All 103 passengers survive mexican aircrash in durango .
Trump's worried that it was just a practice run, he said "Those Mexican bastards will do anything to get over my wall!"

.............

Listening to the reactions of my wife and her friend talking via facebook messenger last night I think it should be re-named two facebook.

.............

What's the difference between the UK and Celtic?
Celtic will be out of Europe by the end of September.

.............

I had just hung up my phone on the bus this morning when I got a tap on the shoulder, "Excuse me," said a teenage girl, "I wonder if you could settle an argument for us? Me and my friend just overheard your phone ringing just then and I'm pretty sure it was Beyoncé, but my friend is adamant it was Rihanna..."
I said, "You're both wrong, it was my mum."

.............

I've just been through a security check at the airport and I was asked if I'd left my suitcase unattended at any time?
I said "Yes, its been in the attic for the last 10 months you twat!"

.............

"And how would you describe my daughter?" my girlfriend's mother quizzed me on meeting her for the first time.
"She reminds me of a glass of milk."
"And why is that?" she asked.
"Because she came out of a cow," I replied.

.............

As I looked at my wife in her coma, I said to the doctor, 'That's it. Turn off the machine, I've given up hope'.

'Sir', he replied 'Your wife has been in that coma for 6 minutes'.

............

My girlfriend caught me measuring my dick and kicked me out.
For what it's worth, it just reaches to the back of her sister's throat.

............

My girlfriend said we should experiment more in the bedroom.
This morning we synthesized a new protein chain.

............



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Old 03-08-2018, 05:54 PM
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Jeremy Corbyn has just issued a statement saying the Labour party is not anti-Semitic and anyone that says it is should keep their big nose out.

.............

Whilst Fred Astaire danced down the steps, his brother Stan just slowly carried an old woman up them....

.............

My daughter recently got severely beaten up because she said the N-word several times to a black man in a pub in Brixton.
"No."

.............

I'd share a joke about affordable healthcare, but not everyone will get it.

.............

I'm skint but at least I have my health.
Which means I'll be poor for a very long time.

.............

An Irishman has been killed working in a food warehouse when a pallet of potatoes fell on him.
That's a first, an Irishman being killed by having too many potatoes.

.............

I had to give a lift to my mother-in-law today as she has recently had to give up driving.
In order to make conversation I asked her if she remembered the vehicle that she learnt to drive in
"It was a Panther, dear"
"What the Ford ?, that's an impressive bit of kit"
"No, the Panzer V"

..............

Did you hear about the drummer who decided to name all his daughters the same name?
Anna 1 Anna 2 Anna 3 Anna 4.

..............

I've been reading in the papers that The WHO are really concerned about the Ebola virus in Africa.
I'm sure that's very admirable, but surely it would be better to consult a bunch of doctors rather than Pete Townshend and Roger Daltrey

..............

BBC news: Which form of execution goes wrong in the US most often?
If I had to pick one I would say the English language...

..............

I went for a job as a toilet attendant. In the interview the boss told me to grab a stool.
I didn't get the job.

.............

"Let people know where you're going" my driving examiner said as we approached a roundabout.
"OK" I replied, as I quickly updated my Facebook status.

.............

"No, daddy, please no, daddy, I'm begging you, please don't make me put it in my mouth and swallow again, it will make me sick like it did before."
"Come on now, sweetheart, it's not that bad, and your mum's cooking has improved a little."

............

My doctor told me my liver is ruined.
I think it's because I've been taking too much paracetamol.
Two every morning to help cure my hangover.

............

Two French tourists have sparked outrage after a video emerged of them luring a squirrel to the edge of the Grand Canyon, then booting it over the side.
I was really quite surprised to see Frenchmen standing up to a squirrel.

............

I phoned my mother-in-law and said, "Your daughter hasn't been home in days."
She replied, "I know, she is here with me, she's not coming back."
"I know, I'm just going through my phone book to tell everyone the good news."

............



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