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  #1441  
Old 10-04-2018, 05:17 PM
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What's the difference between the Italian Mafia and the Scottish Mafia?
The Italian Mafia make you an offer you can't refuse, the Scottish Mafia make you an offer you can't understand.

...............

I was driving on the motorway today when i saw a sign that read Turnoff 1 mile ahead.
Sure enough, a mile later at the side of the road was Theresa May practising her lizard like smile in a vain attempt to look human.

..............

I was out on the piss last night & pulled this georgeous bird.
We made love several times & i went down on her. Then we fell asleep in each others arms.
When i got up in the morning though, i had the shock of my life. She had put on 5 stone during the night.

..............

There's a new shop opened in Barnsley today, selling second hand underpants.
It's called Skidmark.

..............

I am still waiting to meet a flat earth believer who has lived life on the edge.

..............

Yulia Skripal was discharged from hospital today so I asked her out for a drink to take her mind off her recent ordeal. Unfortunately she stormed out of the pub after less than a minute.
Maybe "what's your poison?" wasn't the best opening line.

..............

I've got a new job where I give people paper to put in the bin.
Management prefer to call it "handing out leaflets."

..............

Poor families burying relatives in their back garden because they cannot afford a funeral, MP claims.
That's what I told the jury ten years ago after my wife committed suicide by stabbing herself in the back seven times.

..............

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  #1442  
Old 11-04-2018, 05:48 PM
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My girlfriend is off out to buy a dominatrix outfit on Saturday.
Although she prefers to call it a wedding dress.

.................

Henry Vincent, the dead gypo was said to be some kind of Robin Hood.
Yes, a Tory version, robbing from pensioners to keep families who have never worked or paid taxes in a lavish lifestyle.

.................

Back in Biblical days after the great flood,God speaks to Noah.
He says "Noah, now that the ark is empty, I want you to make it bigger"
Noah replies "Your wish is my command My Lord, what do you need"?
God says "Noah, I want you to add another twenty decks to the ark and fill it with fish"
Noah says "It will be done My Lord, what fish would you like"?
God says "I want it full of Kois, Noah"
Noah replies "Why just Kois,My Lord"?
God says "Because I want a multi-storey carp ark"

.................

Manchester City are like Oscar Pistorius.
They lost both legs but still managed four shots on target.

.................

The Moody Blues
A band named after a Smurf on her period.

.................

ACTUAL QUOTE ON AN AMERICAN FORUM.

"Is there like, any kind of like, video rental store but for books?. It would make it a lot cheaper, plus when one person had read it another person could get enjoyment from it"

Fucking scary.

..................

At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog he is adopted?

..................

I notice Kwik Fit are charging more to dispose of old tyres now Winnie Mandela has died.

..................

I couldn't afford to take my kids to Sea World.
So I took them to a Fish Market, saying, "Shhhhh ... they're all asleep."

.................

The government have released a statement condemning burglar Henry Vincent who was killed while robbing a pensioner. The statement read,
'Her Majesty's government are appalled that a pensioner could have been robbed and left destitute by this man. That is our job'.

.................

I phoned the council about a lot of potholes.
"Where abouts are they, Sir?"
"Pretty much all over the front of my shirt," I complained.

.................

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  #1443  
Old 12-04-2018, 05:24 PM
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Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are aiming to go off on honeymoon after their wedding 'for two weeks of living in pampered luxury', followed by a lifetime of ...

the same.

...............

Theresa May ‘orders submarines to Syria as Britain prepares to strike’
As in, "I’m fucking up these Brexit negotiations, let me distract you with World War 3”

...............

I was thinking about buying some twelve year old scotch....
....but then I thought "Fuck off, she can buy her own fuckin scotch".

...............

Jermain Defoe is in a nightclub when he spots a good looking bird on the dance floor.
He goes straight over to her, sticks his hand down her knickers, & asks if she fancies a shag.
"Blimey" she says " Your a little forward, aren't you?".

...............

A new chain of female gender reassignment clinics are opening all over the UK.
They are called Gashconverters.

...............

I'm drinking vodka and orange juice in tribute to Henry Vincent.
I heard he has a special place in his heart for screwdrivers.

...............

A bloke on my Ryanair flight refused to turn off his mobile before takeoff.
He was kicking off so much that he got taken off by the police and ended up doing 3 weeks in prison.
Most Ryanair passengers would call that “an upgrade.”

...............

My wife's tits are both a different size.
One's an E and the other is a GG.
She's an egg cup.

...............

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  #1444  
Old 13-04-2018, 05:39 PM
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Radio 4 has just been announcing that people in the U.K. will spend a record £30 billion on their pets this year.
I heard it while I was driving over to my rabbit's apartment.

..................

Marriage in a nutshell. When the man does something wrong, the woman voices her objection, and things generally get resolved when the man apologizes. When the woman does something wrong, the man voices his objection, and things generally get resolved when the man apologizes for voicing his objection

.................

I recently took up meditation.
Beats sitting around doing fuck all.

.................

The Queen's having to take a paycut over the next four years.
She's also thinking about how the Royal family can cut costs by getting rid of stuff that they don't use anymore ...
like Australia.

.................

My mate, who's an Arsenal fan, is so pissed of with the way their season is going , he went to the park yesterday & nailed his season ticket to a tree.
He had second thoughts today & went back to get it.
Some cunt had nicked the nail.

.................

I'm going to France tomorrow for the world "Flicking A Ruler On The Edge Of A Desk" championships.
It's held annually in the Dordogne.....

.................

A couple of weeks after surgery, I went to my doctor and he asked what I'd been doing.
I replied, "Just lounging around all day, looking at the internet on my computer, drinking coffee, texting my mates."
He got angry and said, "I told you not to go back to your job at the council for at least a month!"

.................

Researchers have found that every beer you have per day knocks about half an hour off your life expectancy.
Fine. I'd just have spent it drinking a beer anyway.

.................

Don't be fooled with that Natwest advert offering you emergency cash if you lose your cash card.
Happened to me last night and after several calls they threatened to get the police onto me.
Apparently you have to have an account there.

.................

I just saw that France has passed a new law which makes it harder to become a French citizen.
At that point most people just get lazy and give up ...
and that's exactly when they're named a French citizen.

.................

Avoid crying when chopping onions by imagining James Corden on fire.

.................

Kim Jong Un, the North Korean Supreme Leader, has officially agreed to suspend its nuclear program.
He saw one episode of "The Only Way Is Essex" and realized that the UK doesn't need any help in destroying itself.

.................

A study done by researchers at King's College Hospital say that 1 out of every 10 deaths are caused by red meat.
That's very disturbing.
Because it means that 9 out of 10 people are killed by vegetables.

.................

What's the difference between Theresa May and a cat?
A cat doesn't pretend to care about you.

................

I saw a man at the beach going "Help! Shark! Help!"
I laughed because I knew that the shark wasn't going to help him.

................

Sunbathing on the beach, the wife came up to me asked what I thought of her flip flops?
Bloody horrible I said "Put your bikini top back on."

................

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  #1445  
Old 14-04-2018, 08:20 PM
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Nothing shows compassion for the Syrian people quite like bombing them.

.................

Dear Mr Putin, could you find it in your heart to just kill the leaders who ordered the airstrikes please.
Because the citizens of USA, Britain & France couldn't give 2 fucks about the Syrian civil war, many thanks.

.................

In the news today, a new report says that Ryanair is the most hated airline in the country.
Ryanair has apologized to its passengers ...
and charged them a £50 Apology Fee.

.................

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings'.
Apparently Gollum was once a normal man. But wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life.
Must be the same ring I put on when I got married.

.................

I was sitting next to a man on the train & he had jelly in one ear & custard in the other ear.
"Are you a trifle deaf" i asked him, laughing my tits off.
"No" he replied "I'm mentally ill".

.................

About time we have another World War. We haven't had one for a while. Can the USA step in before France surrender's? Instead of pissing about like they did in the last two and joining in when the hard work had been done.

.................

Horse walks into a bar and gets himself a pint. A donkey is sitting beside him and says "you're a big lad, did you ever win anything?". The horse turns round and says "yeah, I won the Derby on the flat and the Grand National on the jumps". The donkey, thinking "fuck, how can I match that, that's impressive", goes to his phone and gets up a picture of a zebra. He shows it to the horse who responds "what the fuck is that?". The donkey replies "That's when I used to play for Juventus".

..................

The government is raising vehicle tax for diesel engines as they are bad for the environment.
In other news, several bombing raids on poison gas factories went really well...!

..................

Sex is better when you're on holiday.
That's what my wife just texted me from Portugal.

..................

How many Chelsea managers does it take to change a light bulb?
Fuck knows. The light bulb always outlasts them.

..................

The UK has participated in missile strikes against Syria, in retaliation for the recent alleged chemical weapon attack.
Maybe we'd be better off tackling the problem at its source, by bombing the country that sold them the chemicals and equipment in the first place - oh, wait...

..................

Just want to thank a few people for helping with my preparation for this years London marathon.
SCS for the sofa, LG for the TV, Hovis and Danish for the bacon sandwich.

..................

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  #1446  
Old 15-04-2018, 06:30 PM
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I have blue eyes. I got them from my dad.
My mum has black eyes. She also got them from my dad.

.................

Germany refused to take part in the strike against Syria, as they fail to see what's wrong with gassing one's own population.

.................

I gave my daughter away at the altar today.
"She's been shagging the best man!" I yelled.

.................

There's a new superhero just been brought out by DC Comics ... its first-ever transgender character.
"Wonder If It's A Woman."

.................

Was walking with my Geordie mate along the coast, when he shouted from behind a rock, “I’ve found a limpet!”
I turned to him to say, “Big fucking deal ....”
He was holding a dismembered arm!

.................

I nervously stepped through the door of the local brothel today.
First time i've seen the outside world in weeks.

.................

As I reviewed the distressing footage of the gas attack in Syria, it dawned on me that the Donald went to war over some asthmatic kids doing the Ice Bucket Challenge.

.................

People reckon I’m too patronising.
That means I treat them as if they’re stupid.

.................

My local swimming pool has far too much chlorine in it, thankfully there's a 'no bombing sign'... but I don't expect that'll stop Theresa May.

.................

Asked my son the other day what he wanted to be when he grew up. He told me he wanted to be an astronaut. I asked why and he said "because I want to be shot into space" I went on to tell him that if I wasn't pissed he would've been.

................

Where do vegetarians go on holiday?
Quornwall.

................

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  #1447  
Old 16-04-2018, 05:36 PM
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Kate Middleton made her final public appearance today before she has her baby and goes on maternity leave.
What I want to know is, “Maternity leave from what?”

................

Apparently 30 percent of under-6's in the U.K. know how to use an iPad.
Whereas 100 percent of under-6's in China know how to make one.

................

The Pope's come out and said he won't judge priests who are gay.
Gay priests said they won't judge Pope Francis for wearing that gorgeous robe with those terrible shoes.

................

I bumped into Jeremy Kyle.
He asked, "Do you watch my show?"
I said, "On and off."
"And how do you like it?" he asked.
"Off," I said.

................

On the Daily Mail's website today; Uk Braced For Russian Cyber Attacks In Revenge For Syria Airstrikes.
Yeah, that would be just terrible if someone were to use the Internet to spread propaganda and misinformation in Britain.

................

Three football teams with swearwords in their names
1. ARSEnal
2. sCUNThorpe
3. Fuckin man United

................

Don't think much of this new Chemical brothers duo.
Vladimir Putin and Bashar al-Assad.

................

D.C. Comics are introducing their first female Muslim Superhero who flies.
Sorry, with flies.

................

I've demanded £50million from the government as I won the lottery last weekend and Camelot won't pay up.
They keep demanding I show them a winning ticket as evidence, but according to Theresa May you don't need to show any evidence if it's obtained from 'sensitive intelligence' sources.

................

So we bomb people that use chemical weapons on its people?
Can’t wait to see cruise missiles targeted on the headquarters of Monsanto.

................

What's white & full of cobwebs?.
An Ethiopians fridge.

................

24 hours in A&E on CH4 has just shown a paramedic ask a 73 year old obese woman if she has angina.
"I'll just check, son" she said, as she slipped her fingers towards her crotch....
"ANGINA!!!!" screamed the paramedic.
That's an image I'm never getting out of my fucking head.

................

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  #1448  
Old 17-04-2018, 05:27 PM
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Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures.
Girl goes to Starbucks : 47 pictures.

..................

The Royal Mail have just put the price of a first class stamp up from 65p to 67p.
They would have rounded it up to 70p, but that would have made the line at the Post Office go way too sodding fast.

..................

£100,000 for a funeral. Begs the question..
Who the fuck's buying all these clothes pegs?

..................

A 15-year-old girl's become the youngest person to climb Mount Everest.
She didn't even realise it.
She was just FaceTiming her mates and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.

..................

I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it

..................

I brought some ornamental carp for my pond. when I woke up next day my pond was fucking wrecked shit every where. all the other fish gone even a supermarket trolley.
Turns out they were didi koi.

..................

Emirate Airlines say that they're going to start offering first-class passengers a suite with bedrooms, a kitchenette, and a wet-room.
You can enjoy the same luxuries from Ryanair if you cancel your flight and stay home.

..................

Apparently a giant tortoise escaped from a back garden in Chertsey and got onto the M25.
Drivers were shocked to see something moving past them so fast.

..................

I was able to recreate the Pamploma Bull Run this morning.
I dropped 10p in Primark.

..................

Wikipedia have been struggling for funds in order to keep going.
So they're now accepting donations using the online currentcy, Bitcoins.
That means you can now support information you’re not sure is true ... with currency you’re not sure is money.

..................

I was in a pub in Kilburn last night when an Irish fella came over rattling a tin and asked if I'd like to make a donation towards the cause.
"Fuck off" I said. "Tell the cunts if they're skint to write some new material and make a new fuckin album"

..................

I see that online activist group 'Anonymous' hacked into the Twitter account of the KKK.
Apparently the KKK is furious.
They said Anonymous are just a bunch of cowards who don't have the balls to show their faces.

..................

"Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner."

..................

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  #1449  
Old 18-04-2018, 06:24 PM
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My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.

................

The 2018 BMW 7 Series lets the driver just press a button on the key fob, and the car parks itself.
Of course, because it's an expensive BMW 7 Series, it'll park itself across the middle of two spaces.

................

The toothbrush was invented in Norfolk.
Anywhere else, it would've been called a teethbrush.

................

More pain and suffering is to be inflicted on the people of Syria as it was announced today that a release of a charity single by Bono is imminent.

................

Adele called her albums ‘19’, ‘21’ and ‘25’ because those numbers are significant to her.
They were the only ones which came with rice.

................

"Sir Cliff felt violated by the BBC."
His friend Leroy has since apologised.

................

Fairy liquid's ads have been updated to reflect modern England.
"Mummy why are your hands so soft?"
"Cos i'm only 14 init, now shut the F*ck up and eat yr pot noodle before your dad gets home from school."

................

I took my missus to Specsavers the other day.
Even they couldn't see why I married her.

................

I've always wanted to be sucked off on a plane but now I'm not so sure.

................

It's a bit hot today.
In tact I'm sweating like a Southwest passenger with a window seat.

................

Last time I ate in a restaurant in France, I found a fly in my soup. Showing off my French, I told the waiter there was "un mouche dans ma soupe." He corrected me, telling me that it was "une mouche."
Say what you like about the Frogs, but they've got fucking good eyesight.

................

At work today a few of us were discussing the Starbucks race row over in the USA.
Ishmael said, "I wonder if they discriminate against Jews too?"
I replied, "Doubt it. The price Starbucks charge for a cup of coffee, they've probably never had any come in."

................

The 2016 Australian General Election was fought around the issue of immigration.
The Government said that there were around 600,000 illegal immigrants.
An Aboriginal spokesman said there were more like 24 million of the bastards.

.................

Sex with my wife is like suporting Brighton and Hove Albion.
To get a result I nearly always have to come from behind.

.................

"I've just built a model of Mount Everest"
"Is it to scale?"
"No, just to look at"

.................

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  #1450  
Old 19-04-2018, 05:40 PM
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I'm always puzzled when people praise a pilot's bravery for getting a plane down safely after an emergency. Doesn't the pilot have a personal interest in getting a plane down safely?

..................

HMS Windrush. The world's longest 'All inclusive' holiday package.

..................

You know you’ve got a good tan when kids spray ‘Paki’s Out!’ on your front door.

..................

Why did the walrus go to tupperware parties ?
To find a tight seal !

..................

Why do women want the lights off during sex?
Because even then they can't stand seeing a man having a good time !.

..................

Dale Winton has died.
Apparently, he’d been looking off colour for some time ... Orange.

..................

"Merkel condemns attack on two men wearing Jewish skullcaps in Germany"
Better late than never, but 85 years late?

..................

I called up my boss and told him I couldn't come in to work today because of the shingles.
He said to me, "Fuck off and get here, in 20 years I've never seen a lazier roofer."

..................

I think Vodafone must be run by pikeys.
The adverts ask you to join "The largest mobile community".

..................

When Bagpuss "went to sleep" all of his friends "went to sleep" too.
That was a grim day at the vets.

..................

We've got an aviary at home, but one of our birds of prey will only exercise at night to 80's music.
Our Kestrel Manoeuvres In The Dark.

..................

I was vegan for a while. I lost 6lb, but most of that was personality.

..................

Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.

..................

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  #1451  
Old 20-04-2018, 05:56 PM
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A man before marriage, a dude.
After marriage, subdued.

...............

"I want to sleep at your place tonight," she whispered in my ear.
"Ok," I said, "but I want to be on top."
"Ooh," she smiled, "I love a man who's masterful."
My bunk bed, my rules!

...............

Next time your at the supermarket and you hear that beep.
It won't be Dale Winton cos he'll be 6ft deep.

...............

My girlfriend said I'm a typical man always thinking with my dick .
I said "OK smart arse blow my mind!"

...............

I call the wife Doctor Who.
She has a box that looks small on the outside, but once your inside it's fucking massive.

...............

Another French leader runs away from an area from which the troops are under siege, won't fight or defend properly.
Sorry, I mean Arsene Wenger has resigned.

................

That’s the last time I use ISIS to take wedding photos. They were awful.
All the heads had been cut off.

................

Theresa May. "One of my constituents is going to the Caribbean."
Interviewer. "Jamaica?"
May. "Yes."

................

IKEA has been accused of evading over £500m in taxes.
Apparently, prosecutors have been after IKEA for years, but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.

................

Dale Winton's cremation: Orange is the new black.

................

Tony Blair has admitted that he speaks to God ...
"But never for less than £100,000," he said.

................

Arsene Wengers time at Arsenal parallels my sex life with the wife.
We did plenty in the early years and it was glory but for years we haven’t done fuck all so although it’s probably too late, i’ve finally decided its time for a change.

................

NASA is currently recruiting people for their 'Rest Studies Programme'.
Participants will be paid $18,000 to spend 70 days in bed and smoke different strains of marijuana.
So far, they've only had half a billion applicants.

................

Taylor Swift and Adele have loads of songs about bad relationships, but not one song about giving a decent blowjob.

Coincidence?

................

Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years.
Dogs run and they live for 15 years.
Turtles don't do anything and they live for 150 years.

LESSON LEARNED!

................

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  #1452  
Old 21-04-2018, 07:04 PM
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I walked up to the bar and asked for a white wine.
"Sure." said the barman. "There's too many immigrants and they're taking all our jobs."

.................

I bought my dog an inflatable sex toy.
It's a blow up leg.

.................

Avicci - Wake Me Up......... No fucking chance of that now !!

.................

I went to the dog rescue centre last night.
Or a singles bar as it's better known.

.................

Woke up this morning and decided I needed a more original opening line for my latest blues song.

.................

Disneyland Paris has temporarily shut down its Haunted House after a visitor was found dead inside this morning.
At least those last few customers really got their money's worth ...

.................

Some scientists are saying that one day we may be able to store data in our sperm.
If that’s true, then my bedsheets are a supercomputer.

.................

My gran just walked in on me having a wank.
She was so shocked she had a stroke.
What lovely soft old hands she has.

.................

Scientists say that millennials are, on average, two inches shorter than a generation ago...
probably because they're constantly looking down at their phones.

.................

What with Arsene Wenger's retirement coming shortly after the Dale Winton news, that means there's two more vacancies up the Arse' this week.

.................

I'm on a group tour holiday of Germany, but everyone else in the party has stopped talking to me.
I only asked the guide why so much of Dresden's architecture is 1946.

.................

I just bought some new "Harry & Meghan" condoms. They are not the only Royal Contraceptive on sale though - you can also buy photos of Camilla for your headboard.

.................

There’s a report out that one in 10 Brits are conceived in an Ikea bed ...
which must mean that people putting Ikea furniture together are at least using one tool correctly.

.................

A food festival in Liverpool has announced they'll be holding a seminar on cooking with weed.
What you do is, you put a frozen pizza in the oven and then you find it the next day when you wake up.

.................

I just put 400 pounds on a horse.
Poor fucker, but the wife insisted on riding it!

.................

I was having trouble with my computer at work so I called IT Support...
He said, "Have you tried disabling cookies?"
I said, "Well, I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man?"

.................

I was having trouble with my computer at work so I called IT Support...
He said, "Have you tried disabling cookies?"
I said, "Well, I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man?"

.................

Doctor - You have a disease, but we can treat it.
Patient - What’s the Cure?
Doctor - It’s an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith, but let’s try to stay focused...

.................

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  #1453  
Old 22-04-2018, 07:28 PM
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Verne Troyer once told the BBC that he felt like an adult stuck in a child's body, which ironically is what most of the BBC aspire too.

.................

I got cut up by a taxi driver last week.
I was walking through town today and I recognised him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank.
I got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station ?"£5 said the driver.
"And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.
"That's disgusting" he said "Get out of my cab"
I got in the second taxi and said "How much to the station ?".£5 said the driver.
"And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.
"I'm not having any of that" he said "Get out of my cab"
I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of each taxi in turn,
until I came to my target at the back of the queue.
"How much to the station ?".
£5 said the driver. "Okay" I said "Let's go"
As we pulled out and overtook the other taxis I wound the window down and gave all the other drivers
a thumbs up with a big grin on my face.
That will teach the cunt!

..................

A bloke in Newcastle led police on a 15-mile chase on Thursday night in a stolen street sweeper machine.
It's the only time anyone's ever completed their Community Service before they got arrested..

..................

What do you call a dead Swede with three eyes?
Avicii

..................

I was lost in Great Yarmouth, searching for the hospital after getting a call that a friend had been admitted while on a night out. After attempting to communicate with a native in the hope of directions it became clear the accent barrier was simply to vast.
Slowly however we began to make some ground,
"Big important building.... lots of people in pyjamas on medication". His wary nods became an understanding smile and I was directed immediately to Asda.

..................

Is Kim Jong Un going to be succeeded by Kim Jong Deux?

..................

It's a fact that more money is being spent nowadays on boob jobs and Viagra than there is on Alzheimer's Disease.
Think about it, by 2040 there may be an elderly generation going around with perky tits and massive hard on's without having a fucking clue as to what to do with them

..................

My son said, "Dad, can I start going ballroom dancing?"
I said, "No, it's too dangerous."
He said, "Why is it?"
I said, "Because I'll break your legs, you fucking little puff."

..................

I saw my first Ethiopian DJ last night.
MT Stomach.

..................

I thought slash-and-burn was a farming method until I caught the clap.

..................

Next season Spurs will be sponsored by Viagra, because they can't get past a semi.

..................

I'm quite a handsome guy, in a certain light.
A 15 watt one.

..................

If a Crackhead dies
Do they become a Methylated Spirit?

..................

Sorry we missed you.

Your parcel has been taken back to our sorting office because:

☐ You were showering
☐ You were pissing
✓ You fucking blinked

..................

The only reason I took up running was to hear heavy breathing again.

.................

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure, how much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase!

..................

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  #1454  
Old 23-04-2018, 05:43 PM
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Don't you find It's quite ironic that 'strap on' backwards spells 'no parts'

.................

When I want a sauna I must have the whole thing to my self.
I have selfish steam issues.

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I don't know why they say Carlsberg is probably the best lager in the world?
I found half a can on my wall this morning that tasted like piss?

................

An Indian bloke has been arrested at LAX for trying to smuggle £16,000 worth of gold up his arse.
His lawyer reckons he'll walk.
His proctologist says he won't.

.................

The Germans have came up with a new treatment for ADHD sufferers where they are sent away for a few weeks in which they learn techniques to help them cope.
It's called Concentration Camp.

.................

Need a St Georges flag for today but your local shop is sold out? Go around to your French neighbours, ask to borrow theirs. Then simply paint a red cross on it. Job done!

.................

Just got lunch from the new delicatessen near me they only sell meat from homosexual animals, I had a L.G.B.T on a ciabatta.
That's lettuce gay bacon and tomato, it was delicious mayo was a bit salty though.

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After watching the fight last night, I take back everything I said about the mayor of London. That dude knows how to box.

.................

The Duchess of Cambridge has been admitted to hospital in labour on St George’s day.
So if it’s a girl the baby could be named after my mother-in-law, then ....
Dragon.

.................

I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture.
But when I got home the tables were turned.

................

Name a sport that starts with a T?
Apparently Golf is not the correct answer.

................

Dear Monday,
I want to break up.
I'm seeing Tuesday.
Dreaming about Friday.
It's not me,
It's you.

................
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  #1455  
Old 24-04-2018, 05:36 PM
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As the royal baby was born on St George's day he should be named to reflect what it's truly like to be English in 2018.
So then, Prince Mohammed it is.

................

‘French plumber takes DNA test to find out if he really is Hitler’s grandson’
That’s a bit of a long shot, to determine why you’ve got a knack for fixing up showers.

................

I invited my Muslim neighbours round to sit in the garden for a BBQ.
Half way through, I informed the husband that his wife had been unfaithful to him with lots of men.
She hadn't but I needed the rockery moving.

................

At last, the Government have got something right. Instead of the usual, up their own arse, politically correct policies influenced by jumpy minorities and liberal do gooders; they’ve chosen to give us an annual ‘Lawrence’ day.
Better late than never I say. All that essential sabotage work he did in Arabia during the First World War. Such a tragedy about the motorbike crash. A real hero; about bloody time we commemorated a true Brit who helped make the country what it is today.
.....”what?”.....
....... “Oh for fucks sake! I knew it was too good to be true.

................

Knock Knock
Whose there?
Granddad
QUICK, STOP THE FUNERAL.

................

Was telling my friend how I should get a blind dog for the mother law,
Do you not mean a guide dog he replied.
Nah definitely blind if the dog sees her it will probably go for her throat.

................

"Your driving is fucking terrible," I said to my wife.
"Oh come on!" She protested, "It's not that bad!"
I just shook my head as I took a deep breath, got out of the car and swam to the surface.

................

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.
"Do you have any kids?" she asked.
"Yes," I replied, "I have one child that's under two."
She said, "Listen, I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

................

How do we English demonstrate our patriotism?
By commemorating some foreigner who contributed to the extinction of an endangered species.

................

I can't believe it but Greggs now have some ethnic foreign shite on sale
Cornish Pasties

................

My wife tripped and spilled the laundry basket all over the floor.
I watched it all unfold.

................

When I was a kid my mum used to tuck me in.
I think she really wanted a daughter.

................

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  #1456  
Old 26-04-2018, 05:05 PM
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Mr and Mrs D’Valley were asking their son why he was being arrested in Cardiff every Saturday night.
“All I ever do is tell the policeman my name like you told me to mum.” Said Ron.

.................

The year is 2050; A lad sits down with his two gay fathers.
“Dads, it’s only fair that I tell you this before you find out for yourselves. I’ve been looking at women recently and I just can’t stop myself finding them attractive; I don’t want to disappoint you but I think I might be straight.”
“After all we’ve done for you.........”

................

I was talking to an old friend today, he looked really rough.
He told me he couldn't afford to eat or drink.
"But you have a great job what went wrong? I asked.
"I'm a T.S.B customer". He said.

................

I saw a video online yesterday entitled “Holly Willoughby Gets a Lesson in How to Groom Her Cat,” and it had only been viewed 700 times.
If they’d titled the video “Holly Willoughby Gets a Lesson in How to Groom Her Pussy,” it would have been viewed seven million times.

................

Watched the Liverpool v Roma match last night. Couldn’t believe what I saw! It was unbelievable!
Old Ian Rush sat with that gorgeous hot young brunette.

................

Good ... A gorgeous girl hugs you.
Bad... You get an erection.
Worse...You realize it’s not yours.
Worst...Now you've got an erection!

................

Amazon will now deliver packages to the boot of your car.
Which is right handy, because since I started work with the tight-fisted cunts that's where I've been living.

.................

Two builders chatting one says
"Came home saw the wife crawling around on all four's with spunk dribbling out of both sides of her mouth , what does that tell you?"
His mate says "dunno that the floors level?"

.................

“Mother and baby are doing well”. Fuck me, that’s an understatement.

.................

I've bought some really cheap handguns and automatic rifles from America.
Their "Back to school" sales are awesome.

.................

A hospital near Vatican City has offered to look after terminally-ill infant Alfie Evans.
I'm not sure the Vatican is the best place to send a young boy who is unable to make a statement to the police.

.................

"On behalf of the labour party I would like to congratulate the royal couple on the birth of their new baby which weighed six pounds and seven pence. "
Announced Dianne Abbott.

.................

I just watched a DVD called Bald and Barely Legal, so there I was sitting...cock in hand only to realise it was a DVSA documentary about minimum fucking tyre tread depths.

.................

My kids treat me like a god. They ignore my existence until they need something from me.

.................

On hearing of the £121,000,000 Euro million lottery win, by an Englishman, the Queen was heard to say,
"How the fuck is he supposed to live off that?"

.................

For those of you wondering what it’s like to be married…
I just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having.

.................

I got arrested in america for killing a black man in self defence .
They charged me with impersonating a police officer.

.................

I've just seen an advert on Harrods website.
They're selling an Armani toaster for £6000.
Here's an idea ... Just buy a normal toaster and stick £6000 in it.
Same result.

.................

They said the best way to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror.
But the restaurant manager asked me to leave even before I had finished my starter!

.................

The media have been calling Kate Middleton the new Princess Diana, which is ironic really, because its because of the media we need a new one in the first place.

.................

The Vicar at my local church has had a terrible accident with a power drill.
...two, three... "He's got a hole whirled in his hand...."

.................

Just overheard a conversation on the bus home. "What's the nightlife like in Shetland? "
"It's like deliverance without the music"

.................

"Covering the Murder Case That Shook Denmark"
Not another new bloody production of "Hamlet".

.................

The first ever Black Friday sale was held in 1719 by Robinson Crusoe.

.................

Just been thrown out of my local dog grooming parlour. What's it there for if you can't be nice to the dogs and then offer them treats to lick your cock?

.................

I was in the local garden centre when something caught my attention.
It was a bag of compost which said on it, "With added John Innes."
I've phoned the local police, but they don't seem to want to know.

.................

3 boys are talking in the playground. The 1st boy says, "My Dad's the fastest man in the world." "How do you know that?" Asks the other boys. "Because he can fire a bow and arrow and run and catch it!" He replies."That's nothing," says the 2nd boy. "My Dad can fire a gun and run and catch the bullet!" That's nothing says the 3rd boy, "My Dad works for the Council, he finishes at half 4 and he's in the house for 2."

.................

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  #1457  
Old 27-04-2018, 05:52 PM
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I was at my mate's stag night yesterday, when him and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid.
"Drink it" they said giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realised the prank the bastards were trying to pull.
Carlsberg.

.................

When i was a kid i was abused by the 'chuckle brothers'

#Me too you.

.................

I rode to the off license yesterday on my
bike
I bought a bottle of vodka and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave I thought for a moment, if I fell off the bicycle the bottle would fall out of the basket and break.
To avoid that, I drank some of the vodka
At least if I fell off all the vodka wouldn't
be wasted ,
then I fell off luckily the bottle didn't break
so thought better drink the rest.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike another seven times before I got home.

.................

The new FitBit Primo can actually print out a health report which adapts to your particular choice of exercise.
I just got my report which told me if I continue with the exercise regime I'm on, I'll be blind in 4 days.

.................

A Muslim walks into a pub, and the barman asks, "Why the wrong place?"

.................

My Dad is in hospital having surgery for Crohn's Disease.
I thought I'd cheer him up by putting in some requests to the hospital radio station.
They're going to play James Brown's song Papa's Got A Brand New Bag for him.

.................

An attractive waitress approaches a table of two men and asks them what they would like to order.
“How about a quickie?” asks one man. She immediately throws his water in his face and storms off to call the manager.
His friend leans over and says
" Mate it's called a quiche !"

.................

The best thing about being schizophrenic is that it turns a wank into an orgy

.................

My wife called me a sexist pig, and accused me of being far too obsessed with football.
I said, “What makes you say that, babe?”
She said, “Well for one, there’s this card you gave me for my birthday.”
I said, “But to be fair, you’ve not kept up with the housework recently, so you were lucky it was only yellow.”

.................

Spoilt rich kid spends a rare weekend with his dad.
‘Son, this is your weekend, have anything you want; “Ask and ye shall receive.”
After a little thought the lad says, ‘Dad, dad, dad; I want a donkey.’
The father wasn’t expecting this strange request, but he was a man of his word, ‘Okay son, Ask and ye shall receive.’
The next day, they go to the local pets at home and buy a donkey. When they get it home the lad chirps.
“Dad, can I call the donkey Wanker.”
“Don’t be so....” and then dad remembers the promise “... of course son , Wanker it is.”
The lad then spends a fantastic day getting to know his new pet.
That evening, they tie the donkey up in the garden.
The next morning, the lad wakes up early and looks out of the window; to his horror the donkey has broken free, jumped the fence and is nonchalantly munching grass half a mile away.
The lad panics and runs into his dad’s bedroom.
“Dad, dad, dad; Wanker’s off over the field.”
“Look son, I know I made a promise, but there are limits!”

...................

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

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ME: "I'm worried that the instability of the current global political climate is marching us slowly towards irreconcilable conflict and destruction on an unprecedented scale - a cruel legacy for our children."

WAITER: "I meant is everything ok with the meal..."

...................

I just got a phone call informing me that 'you are entitled to thousands in compensation for the accident you were recently involved in.'
Well that's a relief. I thought I was looking at losing my licence, some serious jail time and compulsory rehab.

...................

During a lull between the speeches at a White House ceremony, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with the Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson.
"You know Rex, I bought Donald a parrot for Christmas. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!"
"Wow, that's pretty impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize that he just speaks the words, he doesn't really understand what they mean."
"Oh, I know," Melania replied, "Neither does the parrot !"

...................

As I lay on the couch, talking about my childhood and sobbing, I said, "Do you think I'm crazy?"
"Yes," replied the DFS sales assistant.

....................

So then, Cosby will be doing time.
I hope Stills and Nash keep going.

....................

BBC NEWS: Bill Cosby Left Feeling Disoriented After Jury Slips Conviction Into His Verdict.

....................

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  #1458  
Old 28-04-2018, 05:31 PM
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During meditation, a monk asks his master…
“Master. If a man shaves his ass, is he gay?”
His master thought for a moment and replied:
“A man who cleans his house, clearly expects a visitor.”

.................

What’s the difference between a Lesbian in a porno and a real life one?
About 8 stone

.................

I got home and caught my wife fucking a transformer,
"It's not what it looks like, " she said.

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“I caught my twelve-year-old son looking up women’s skirts today,” I told the barman after my second whiskey.
“That’s pretty normal for a twelve-year-old, isn’t it?” he asked.
“Not on eBay it isn’t!” I said.

.................

I stayed at a hotel in Blackpool recently. It overlooked the sea......unfortunately it also overlooked hygiene, good service & edible meals.

.................

The other day it was our wedding anniversary, and I told my wife "she was like Heroin." ”Why, because I'm potent dangerous and once you try me you get addicted?” She giggled. ”No”, I replied, ”because you've fucking ruined my life.”

.................

Definition of eternity
The time elapsed between you coming and her going

.................

This week, Home Secretary Amber Rudd has lied through her teeth about not knowing about forced deportation targets.
Incompetent, out of her depth and trying to bullshit her way out of trouble.
I think we have our next PM-in-waiting.

.................

St James Palace - "The wedding service will be the epitome of Britishness "Cant wait for the Royal wedding car to get clamped by a Nigerian.

.................

I tried teaching my dog to dance.
Turns out he's got 2 left feet.

.................

The only difference between a good salad and a good time is where you put the cucumber.

.................

I bought some brand new underpants... I'm now entering unsharted territory.

.................

Camilla has decided last minute to go with new shoes for the Royal Wedding.
The local blacksmith is said to be pissed off at having to work late.

.................

I found a builder who advertises “No job too small” so I’ve got him tiling the bathroom in my daughter’s dolls house.

.................

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  #1459  
Old 29-04-2018, 03:58 PM
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I'm in a band called The Taxpayers
We've supported Queen and Prince for years.

.................

What does every women in the world want?
Nothing, they’re fine.

.................

RECREATE that ‘sat in the audience at a Jeremy Kyle show’ feeling by sitting in the order collection area at Argos.

.................

There was a touching moment at Buckingham Palace today, when Prince Louis and Prince Phillip both shat themselves at the same time.

.................

My best mate came out the closet today, so I beat the shit out of him.
My dirty cheating wife got the same.

.................

The government in Saudi Arabia is upset about a plot to assassinate their ambassador to the UK.
They said, "Saudi Arabia condemns all acts of terrorism..."
but forgot to add, "...unless, of course,we're sponsoring them."

.................

You can call me sick if you want but, after my whole family died in a terrible accident, the first thing i thought about was the next X Factor auditions.

.................

I like to tell people I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth.
I don't tell them it had burn marks underneath.

.................

My wife said she loves cheesy puff's, so I bought her a Westlife CD.
Turned out she meant deep fried corn- based snacks.

.................

Everybody can remember where they were the day President Kennedy was shot.
I’ll never forget it; there I was, crouched behind this picket fence in Dallas....

.................

I was driving through an industrial estate today and I saw a big sign that said "Joe's Tool Works".
I thought, "So does mine but I don't put up a big fucking sign bragging about it."

.................

Did you see the 41-gun salute for the new prince the other day? I particularly liked bit where Kate stuck her head out of the window and shouted, "Shut the fuck up! I've only just got the little bugger off to sleep!"

.................

"Sheffield police officer allegedly sexually assaulted during arrest of suspect"
Dude, when NWA said "Fuck tha police", they didn't mean literally.

.................

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  #1460  
Old 30-04-2018, 06:02 PM
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A doctor looks at recently deceased patient and asks, “What were his final words?”
The nurse replies, “None, Doctor his wife was with him to the very end.”

...............

My mate just asked me, "If you were stuck on a desert island, and you could have 3 records, what would they be?"
I said, "The long distance swimming one would be good!"

..............

When someone makes you angry, pause and count backwards from 10.
When you get to 7 punch him in the throat. He won’t be expecting that.

..............

A guy said that my clothes were gay…
“Well, yes”, I told him, “they came out of the closet this morning.”

..............

So amber rudd has resigned ..
But not really she's just no longer the minister that fucked up.
No she's still an MP on over 100k a year of taxpayers cash .
So if the head of the fire service resigns does he go back to riding around on a shiny red fire engine.
no he's on the dole ..where she should be.

...............

My aunt told me about when she was a teen groupie and went backstage to meet the stars.
She said, “I went into that room a girl and came out a woman.”
I thought: What a rotten time to get your first period.

...............

Amber Rudd has resigned over the Windrush scandal. Who will replace her?
Hopefully, someone with bigger tits ...
Step forward Boris Johnson.

...............

I was doing 95mph on my way past a primary school this morning when the cops pulled me over.
In a sardonic tone the policeman said, "Do you know why we pulled you over, Sir?"
I replied, "Well you've not much chance of making the charges stick if you've already forgotten."

...............

That Jimmy Savile was one sick, twisted bastard.
How could he do what he did to all those children?
Encouraging their parents to vote Conservative.

...............

I like my woman like my Tesco workers - Dumb, Foreign and do anything for £7.20 an hour.

...............

Alan Smith
Just now ·
I’m now absolutely convinced that the BBC are totally out of touch with their audience.
They’ve just announced that people won’t need a TV license to watch the Royal wedding.
How the fuck does that benefit anyone in Liverpool?

...............

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

...............

In light of the proposed merger between Asda and Sainsbury's it has just been announced that Poundstretcher and Marks & Spencer's are to merge too. It will now be known as Stretch Marks.

...............

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A genealogist looks up your family tree.
A gynaecologist looks up your family bush!

...............

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  #1461  
Old 01-05-2018, 06:40 PM
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▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► Sorry, I just dropped my bag of Doritos!

..............

I was referee at a women’s football match yesterday. It was brilliant.
I booked two for muttering under their breath, one for the silent treatment and I sent one off without explanation and left her wondering what she’d done wrong.

..............

My son is three years old and yesterday I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket.
Now, I didn't buy it and he certainly didn't buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre and let him loose in the jewellers.

..............

I really don't get why women fake orgasms.
It's not like us men actually care.

..............

I bought my cat a litter tray and all it ever does is shit and piss in it.
He's never put any rubbish in there at all.

..............

The prostitute I frequent has only one arm, but somehow I still got the clap.

..............

God created man, stepped back and said “perfect!”
He then created woman, stepped back, had a long look and said “Oh fuck! this”ll have to wear make up!”

..............

My neighbour says his son’s death came as a huge shock.
I said, “Car accident?”
“Electric chair.” He replied.

..............

The BBC are releasing a new programme on BBC2: Siamese Twin Ducks
They're starting with a double bill.

..............

I was in Minneapolis the other day …
Until Mr. Apolis returned home unexpectedly.

..............

My wife reckons she should have married Satan instead of me.
Kinky bitch. Incest is still illegal in this country.

..............

Professor Peter Waddington, a policing expert who invented kettling, has died after a cardiac arrest.
Bit of a bummer having to share eternity with all those who died after a police arrest.

.............

Policeman with sniffer dog said
"My dog tells me you’re on drugs!"
"I’m on drugs?, you’re the one with the talking dog!"

.............

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Old 02-05-2018, 05:30 PM
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PRETEND to be a skilled pharmacist by taking half an hour to put some tablets in a fucking bag.

................

MAKE your child a delightful mermaid action figure by simply gluing the top half of Barbie to a mackerel fillet.

................

Don’t try to understand women.
Women understand women and they hate each other.

................

RECREATE the magic of browsing Poundland's DVD section by taking out a subscription to Netflix.

................

I saw that pic on the news of Sajid Javid doing the 'power stance' the Tories seem so fond of.
Proof if you needed any that Labour have at least one sleeper agent in the Tory PR machine...
"So then I told him he'd look masterful and authoritative if he stood like a right fanny!"

................

My son got in trouble in school because I helped him with his homework.
'Name the country that has over 40 names for snow'
Cheeky bastards tried to tell me it wasn't Columbia.

................

The missus and I have decided to go on a diet before our holiday in the States.
We don't want to feel self conscious on the beach.
It's going well, so far we've both put on five stone.

................

Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents?

"He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter."
"Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family."
"They died together, the perfect couple till the end."

Makes me glad I'm a TWAT!!!

................

Took the Mrs to subway today, I asked the girl to make me a sandwich, she said, "Yes, no problem," I turned to the wife and said, "Now, how fuckin hard was that?"

................

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Old 03-05-2018, 06:09 PM
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IF YOU’RE behind someone at a cash machine let them know you're not a threat by gently kissing their neck.

...............

FIND OUT how loud your partner can scream by waking them up on an aeroplane flight wearing your life jacket and oxygen mask.

...............

I was having sex with my wife last night when she suddenly yelled, “Dave! Get your cock out of my arse!”
"Just relax.” I said, “You might like it.”
“Relax?” she screamed, “What the fuck is Dave doing here?”

...............

Today is Prime Minister Day.
May the Turd.

...............

I’ve lost my scapegoat.
I have nobody to blame but myself.

...............

Three-inch dick: “It’s tiny!” she laughed.
Three-inch spider:”It’s enormous!” she screamed.
So I’ve had a spider tattooed on my dick.

...............

Emitting a silent fart whilst opening a dairy lea triangle....will convince your dinner guests It's an expensive french cheese.

...............

Harry Redknapp gets a letter delivered to his house..
Opens it,it's an electricity bill for £17,000 forwarded on from Tottenham hotspurs Football Club..
He rings the club, "I think there's been a mistake, you sent me a bill but i haven't worked for you for years"......
No Harry sorry, but there’s no mistake......
You were the last person in the trophy room in 2008 and you left the fucking lights on"......!!!

...............

Cyclists pretend your in the olympics keirin race by following a domino's Pizza moped for miles then as It pulls over break into frantic sprint for a further mile.

...............

What do you call a Glaswegian with a puppy farm.
A Dug Dealer.

...............

This glass of wine is not only delicious.....
It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of wine.

...............

I hear that Fred and Rosemary Wests old house has just come back on the market. Who the fuck would want to live there......Gloucester.

...............

Create the exact sound of a florence and the machine album....
By locking an owl in a wind chime shop

...............

If any of you are tempted to protest the state of the political system by drawing a cock on your ballot paper, don't.
Technically it counts as a vote for the Tory candidate.

...............

Fair play to that cunt Stormzy. There can't be that many fuckin ugly grime artists willing to let Donald Trump fuck them and cum on their tits, let alone then go public with it. I might buy his CD after all.

.............

That moment Eileen realised the true meaning of Bukkake at the Dexy’s Midnight Runners back stage party ...

.............

The Catholic Church has a strict policy when it comes to dealing with paedophiles. Three strikes and you're transferred.

.............

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Old 04-05-2018, 04:31 PM
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I see they buried that thieving gypsy today. Anyway they reckon they spent £100k on his funeral. Why didn't the thick bastards just give him £100k when he was alive and he wouldn't have had to rob old peoples houses at £100 a go.

................

I’ve recently joined my local boxing club and the trainer there suggested that I tried skipping to get fitter.
After doing this for an hour, he handed me a rope and said, “Use this. You won’t look as gay”

................

Same sex marriage?
Fucking hell I would be happy with some sex marriage!.

.................

A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, “Give me your wallet or you’re science!”
The man says, “Don’t you mean history?”
The mugger yells, “Don’t try to change the fucking subject!”

.................

I asked my new cellmate "how long are
You in for?"
He said, “until I shoot my load bitch!"

.................

Apparently according to my so called doctors, teeth marks on the cock are not classified as a serious head wound.

.................

My girlfried had agreed to have some kinky fun and games at my house last
night.
she lay handcuffed to the bed wearing a blindfold , I said, “Right, now I’m going to shag you.”
“You’ve been shagging me for the last 5 minutes.” she replied.
“No I haven’t,” I said, “That was my dad.”

.................

Chancellor Philip Hammond says that the recession ended in June of last year.
What he conveniently forgot to tell us is that the next recession began in July of last year.

.................

Saw a woman dressed from head to toe in a shroud. I said, "This is England. If you want to dress like that why don't you fuck off back to wherever it is you come from? "
Now her convent has reported me to the police.

.................

FOR SALE

I pair of 10 oz Professional Boxing Gloves.
Brand new. Never been worn.
Contact: Mr R Ferdinand

.................

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Old 05-05-2018, 05:13 PM
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I've just released my own fragrance.
But nobody on this bus seems to likes it though.........

...............

My girlfriend called me last night and said, "It's 11:30pm, where are you?"
I said, "I'm in a strip club with all my mates, we're all pretty drunk and the girls are absolutely gorgeous."
" Are you having a laugh?" She said angrily.
"Of course I am," I replied, "They're a great bunch of lads."

...............

They say to never go shopping for food when you’re hungry but it’s been a week already and I keep getting hungrier and hungrier.

...............

I used to work at a cats' home, but I had to jack it in.
They reduced meowers.

...............

The missus told me she wanted decking for her birthday.
Anyway, when she gets out of hospital she’s divorcing me.

...............

You know you're getting old when you're watching a porn movie and think, "Damn, that bed looks comfortable."

...............

I’ve just had 40 winks on the train…
I knew I shouldn’t have worn this pink t-shirt

...............

The Brits conquered the world in boats made of wood, powered by wind & navigated by the stars. For the yanks to be in the same league they'll need to have sent Neil Armstrong to the Moon.........on a Hang-glider!!

................

I was looking straight at the keeper with the ball at my feet, he came out shouting and waving his arms, evidently trying to put me off. He was unsuccessful, I rounded him and unleashed a ferocious shot..
And completely smashed his beehive to bits.

................

I was trying to find a way to kill my wife without raising suspicion.
So I bought her a car.

................

I'm laying in hospital because of something on my dick.
My mate found his girlfriend on it.

................

Swallowing cum, is not gay.
It's extreme paedophilia.

................

I can't stand those interfering people who bang on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"
Fucking firemen.

................

I asked a bloke at the station when the next train was coming?
He said "Have a look online!"
I said "That's a bit dangerous isn't it?"

................

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Old 06-05-2018, 09:35 PM
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The DWP refused my deaf, blind and dumb kids application for disability benefits.
They said he was fit for work and could test pinball machines.

..........

“G’Day mate, Aussie help line here
What’s the problem,…. Cobber?”
“I’m in Darwin with my Sheila and she’s been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up.”
“Bummer, mate…!!!”
“Thanks mate, I hadn’t thought of that. Bye.”

...........

Parents say that giving your child a little smack now and again doesn't hurt them...
Not sure Bob Geldof would agree!

...........

An American cop was asked why he shot a black man five times with his revolver.
Hanging his head in shame, he replied, "I missed once."

............

Commenting on Fergies brain haemorrhage, David Beckham said "My thoughts go out to Will I am and the big bloke who looks like a red Indian".

............

Jacob Rees-Mogg has said that when Donald Trump visits Britain, 'he should get the reddest of red carpets'.
And there's a good chance he will, if his bodyguards aren't on the ball that day.

............

Is it a coincidence that Tony Blair's birthday falls on World Laughter Day?

............

I’m sure my dog’s gay!
I’ve got pure hardcore porn on the telly.....
But he just sits there watching me wank.

.............

1981
Liverpool win European Cup.
British prince marries.
A Pope dies.

2005
Liverpool win European Cup.
British prince marries.
A Pope dies.

2018
Liverpool in Euro final.
British Prince to marry.
Pope shitting himself.

............

My wife was getting annoyed that I kept leaving freezer door open and it kept on defrosting.
We’ve since split up, it’s all water under the fridge.

............

Burnt some food indoors? Make it edible once again by taking it outdoors, pretending it’s just been cooked on a barbeque.

............

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Old 07-05-2018, 05:15 PM
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"Fast food lowers sperm count and quality."
Looking at MacDonald's clientele, I reckon that's natural selection doing its job.

..............

In the 1960's, the Beatles sang 'All You Need Is Love.'
But, as a lot of celebrities have been finding out, even back then, you also needed consent.

..............

Sometimes I wonder if you even remember what my face looks like,”
Said my girlfriend’s tits.

..............

My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?”
I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”
He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”
So I went away and prepared a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

..............

Princess Diana, staying at The Ritz, Paris.
Died.
Margaret Thatcher, staying at The Ritz, London.
Died.
I think it's a conspiracy, but everyone else thinks it's crackers.

..............

I walked into Subway and said to the cashier, “I’ve just bought a sandwich from you, I took one bite and 2 teeth fell out.”
“Maybe you bit down too hard?” she replied.
“They’re not my teeth.”

..............

Us men are just big babies!
That’s why we love sucking tits!

..............

Keep hearing voices telling me to murder a prostitute. The weird thing is I don’t even drive a lorry.

..............

Drinking in the UK: "Hi, could I have 2 Jagerbombs please?"
"They're 3 for a fiver."
"Oh, I'll have 9 then."

..............

"Police appeal to help find man with 'stab injury' after woman raped in Droitwich"
He stuck his little prick in her, so she stuck a big one in him.

..............

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Old 08-05-2018, 06:55 PM
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My wife walked in today and screamed, "you and all your fuckin tools, nuts and bolts on my fuckin table! None of your fuckin inventions ever work anyway!"
That's when the Slap A Cuntamatic 3000 proved her wrong.

..............

I was flirting with a drunk girl in a club last night, when I slowly ran my hand up her skirt and slipped my index finger into her minge.
As she started panting, 1 finger became 2, then 2 fingers became 3 and before I knew it she had 4 fingers inside her.
That’s when I looked at my mates and said, “will you three just fuck off?”

..............

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

..............

My wife said she caught my 12 year old boy playing soldiers in his bedroom today.
"What's wrong with that?" i replied
She said "he was dipping his cock in a soft boiled egg."

..............

I hadn’t had a shag for six months until last night, when my ex girlfriend called and said she fancied a fuck.
Now, I’m not saying that I was keen to get
there before she changed her mind,
but I did manage to get flashed by two speed cameras on the way to her house.
Which is quite impressive considering I was on foot.

..............

Getting Kwik-Fit to service your car is like getting your gran to set up your new iPad.

..............

Dear Peter Kay. Having watched Car share last night can you either go back to your family and let us all respect your privacy, or make it interesting by getting that red head to finger herself and rub her tits whilst we listen to YMCA.

..............

Mirrors
Skyping for schizophrenics

..............

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Old 09-05-2018, 05:29 PM
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My wife says she's leaving me because she's never seen me sober.
Fucking hell, I got married?

...............

Bought a can of fly spray from the supermarket today. ........ Sprayed it all over myself.
I still cant fucking fly.

...............

I met a bloke in a wheelchair today, his face was a right mess, all cut and bruised.
I asked him what happened and he told me he was a Paralympian.
"What sport,boxing"? I said
"No" he replied, "110m hurdles"

..............

What is it with these Paralympians?
They can run and swim much faster than me,lift heavier weights than I can, yet they get to park much closer to Asda.

..............

My wife gives me oral every night before I go to sleep.
Nagging cow!

..............

Dear Peter Kay. For your next episode of Car Share, can you swap the ginger tart for James Corden and drive over a fuckin cliff whilst Magic FM play Shiny Happy People by REM?

..............

My flatmate said" you're out tonight so I've got a bird coming round , what’s the best way to guarantee a shag?”
I handed him a bottle of rohypnol and said, “Here try this if she isn't in the mood”
I got home later and found the daft cunt unconscious on the living room floor.

..............

Sky News are reporting that '300 million euros worth of priceless art' has been stolen from a museum in Paris.
Wait a sec.
If it's 300 million worth of priceless art, it is not really priceless ... Is It?

..............

BMW..fix the indicators on your cars during this recall I'm not a fucking medium.

..............

Two Scousers are riding a bicycle on a road about 15 miles outside of Manchester. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Scousers ask him for a ride. He tells them they can ride in the trailer if they could fit in with 20,000 bowling balls he is hauling.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. Wanting to make up time the trucker speeds up. Sure enough a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding. The officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies, "Scouse eggs."
The Blonde Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so she takes a look in the trailer. She opens the back door and shocked, quickly shuts it and locks it. She calls for immediate backup & a SWAT team. The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that requires so many officers.
"I stopped a Tractor-Trailer with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it. Two have hatched and they've already stolen a bicycle!"

................

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Old 10-05-2018, 06:08 PM
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Theresa May saw a little old lady struggling with two shopping bags,
"You shouldn't be struggling with those two bags, " she said, "let me help. "
So she halved her pension so she could only afford one in future.

..............

I'm not saying my blonde girlfriend's thick but she thinks Iran is an apple treadmill machine.

..............

Denis Law has been to visit Sir Alex Ferguson in hospital today.
“His speech is improving and he can nearly string a sentence together”, said Fergie.

..............

A strange woman looked through my window this morning and saw me naked, watching porn and masturbating furiously.
Thankfully after about ten seconds of shocked embarrassing silence the lights turned green.

..............

whilst constructing smart motorways how come they can find electricity for average speed cameras but not for streetlights?

..............

One legged transsexual looking for black, lesbian, shit eating dwarf who is into bondage and water sports.
Must have pierced tongue and own goat.

(No weirdos please)

..............

I just phoned up one of them African charities.
“I’ve just heard about the dam bursting in Kenya”, I said.
“Oh I know it’s terrible, would you like to make a donation?”, she asked.
“Erm no”, I replied, “I’d like my £2 a month back as they will no longer have to walk 5 miles for water.”

..............

Ever noticed how the older a man gets, the further he had to walk to school as a boy?

..............

I was the getaway driver for a robbery at a paper factory in Bristol last night.
We took the A4.

..............

This guy from across the road was talking to me earlier.
“My wife’s just told me she’s been having an affair with Dave the milkman,” he confided.
“What? That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?”
“Yes,” he laughed, cheering up.
“Why would Dave the milkman want to fuck that?”

..............

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