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  #1411  
Old 11-03-2018, 06:16 PM
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Some 'charity' has a slogan, "Treating children with cancer"
If that's a treat, it really makes you wonder what they do to punish kids.

.................

My dad is the kind of guy that won’t let anyone down.
That’s why he was sacked as rescue helicopter pilot.

.................

What's the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV?
Like,oh you've fooled me.
What's behind that blur? Is it an umbrella? An elephant?

.................

Melania Trump was originally allowed to stay in the US because she had a special visa restricted to immigrants with "extraordinary abilities". Finding Donald Trump's penis must be more difficult than we imagined.

.................

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  #1412  
Old 12-03-2018, 06:11 PM
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I went to a swinger’s party in my army uniform last night.
Had to leave my khakis in the bowl.

.................

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

.................

“I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble.

.................

One of my friends is a really stubborn hardcore raver.
She keeps trying to make me rave with her!
She just won’t techno for an answer.

.................

"James Bulger's killer Jon Venables 'wants a new face from plastic surgery and he wants taxpayers to foot the bill'"
How about a few cons oblige him? Stamp all over the little cunt's face until it turns to plastic, and leave the Old Bill to work out how he committed suicide.

.................

I could swear I just drove past sky pundit Jamie Carragher there in his car....
....Well if it wasn't him, it was his spitting image!

.................

Just to make it clear for any Dyslexic readers.
Diddy Doddy did die, Dodi and Di already died and Dido didn't die.
Hope that helps.

.................

Just been told by the guy who works at Subway,that their meat is killed the traditional Islamic way.
How the fuck do they put a backpack on a chicken???

.................

I was walking through a Saudi Arabian market when I saw a guy getting his hand stitched back on.
I said, "Oh, I see you won your appeal!"

................

That's a shame Ken Dodd has died..
..He was brilliant in Beetlejuice.

................

My wife and I play trivia pursuit a lot.
It's where she ignores me until I correctly guess what I did wrong.

................

Shocked to hear about Jamie Carragher managing to spit through a car window and landing it on a 14 year old girl's face.
He was never known for his dribbling skills.

................

Wayne Rooney - "United have won so many trophies I can't count."
He's missing a full stop after trophies there.

................

Look on the bright side Jamie Carragher, at least you'll be within spitting distance of your next job...
Unemployed, sat at home.

................

The good news: The International Space Station will be visible over Wales this week
The bad news: When it crashes on Cardiff.

................

I was viewing some rap videos earlier on 'you tube' and some of the comments mentioned that the music was good for "cooking to".
Personally, I wouldn't want to make a lasagna or anything else while listening to aggresive gangsta rap...

................

Gay marriage is legal in England but weed isn’t.
I reckon I’ve found a loophole though: I’m gonna marry my bong.

................

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  #1413  
Old 13-03-2018, 06:58 PM
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For all you who are sad that Crufts is over, don't worry....
Paracrufts starts in 2 weeks....

.................

So Sky Sports pundit Jamie Carragher spat on a 14 year old girl's face. he should be thankful, if he'd have worked for the BBC he would have come on it.

.................

What a wonderful day for going down to the Soviet embassy, knocking on the door and asking 'Is Len in?'

.................

I don't know if animals go to heaven , but the praying mantis has to be in with a shout.

.................

I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's great, but also quite challenging....
.....It took me ages to get her husbands voice right.

.................

What do you make with epileptic lettuce?
You make a seizure salad.

.................

Apparently you can tell a lot about your general health by the condition of your bowels.
If they're protruding out of your arsehole you're probably not too well.

.................

I was sacked and arrested today over a slight misunderstanding at work.
Apparently taking your work home with you is classed as theft when you work in a bank.

.................

A Christian told me the Harry Potter books are far fetched.
He hates fiction books about magic, virgins, ghosts, people talking to snakes and a man who can't die.

..................

Jeremy Kyle should be an odds-on favourite as a jockey at Cheltenham.
He's yet to fall off his high-horse.

..................

The last four letters in "queue" are not silent
They're just waiting their turn

..................

As I stuck my cock through the glory hole in the pub toilets, I shuddered and recoiled as I felt the disgusting ticklings of that bushy moustache around the mouth that was sucking me off !
She thought a glory-hole fantasy would "spice up the relationship," but no matter where they happen I always hate blow jobs from the wife !

..................

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  #1414  
Old 14-03-2018, 06:57 PM
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Mrs asked, "Would you like a blow job?"
I said, "Do bears shit in the woods?"
Wish I'd just said 'Yes', she's been on Google ever since!

................

Therapist: “What would you say to your dad if he were alive today?”
“Sorry for cremating you, I honestly thought you were dead.”

................

The only thing that flat-earthers have to fear... is sphere itself.

................

“Hopefully, I’ve got a book coming out soon.
Shouldn’t have eaten it, really.”

................

“My grandfather is always saying that in the old days people could leave their back doors open. Which is probably why his submarine sank.”

................

“So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck.
Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.”

................

“My other grandfather was a peeping tom. He used to drill holes in the floor and spy on the people in the flat below. He died recently, but I like thinking about him up there somewhere, looking down on us.”

................

“When I was in America, I really got into the culture. I went into the shop and the guy said ‘Have a nice day’ and I didn’t. So I sued him.”

................

“Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs? I don’t think so… retired mermaids.”

................

“You know the animal that kills the most people in the world?
The Hepatitis Bee.”

................

“A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!”

................

“The school had a big problem with drugs… especially Class A.”

................

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  #1415  
Old 15-03-2018, 06:52 PM
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Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies.
Is that a trick question?

................

A man took an airline to court after his luggage went missing.
Unfortunately he lost his case!

................

Jeremy Corbyn, on hearing of the death of Stephen Hawking, said....
"He was a great man and, like me, had a passion for black holes"

................

I love watching nature programs, you learn so much from them. For instance the duck-billed platypus is a mammal that lays eggs but it also produces milk. This must be the only animal on earth that can make its own custard!

................

I don't see why there is a need for nipple clamps.
Not once have I seen an illegally parked nipple.

................

R.I.P Stephen Hawking;
A truly brilliant Ventriloquist.

................

I want to make a few extra quid doing kids parties, so I bought the ultimate clown starter kit today.... There was....
A red nose, a multi-coloured wig, size 16 red and yellow shoes, face paint, oh and a goalkeeper top with Courtois on the back.

................

In joint Statement: 'No one will miss Stephen Hawking as much as us, his greatest creation, his Children' Said the Daleks

................

Stephen Hawking dies at 76.
I didn't realise those chairs could go that fast!

................

All of these fake Stephen Hawking fans posting memorial statuses and banging on about how much of a great man he was, give me the shits...
I bet most of them couldn't even name one of his songs.

................

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  #1416  
Old 16-03-2018, 06:41 PM
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Did Stephen Hawking have a donor card ?
'Cos I really need bits for my kids go-kart.

..............

England: Instead of boycotting the World Cup, just play the first three games and then come home.
Like you normally do.
Or not bother to play at all Like Scotland, Ireland and Wales.......

..............

So the treasury are considering getting rid of the 1 and 2p coins ...
They need to speak to Theresa May, she knows how to get rid of thousands of coppers.

..............

The pedestrian walkway bridge that collapsed in Florida was designed to bear the weight of 80 people.
Not 80 Americans.

..............

A call to the UK Prime Minister’s office:
“May I please talk to Theresa?”
“She is asleep right now.”
“If she wakes up tell her Vladimir called.”
“What do you mean ‘if’?”

..............

Donald Trump's attitude appals me.
This is a time when America should be building bridges, not walls... oh, wait.

..............

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can't pay its student loans.

..............

As the sperm dripped down my wife's chin, I looked in her eyes and asked "Do you like that? "
"No", she relied. " What the fuck is in this sandwich? "

..............

The door bell went earlier.
I hate living in Liverpool.

..............

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  #1417  
Old 17-03-2018, 07:31 PM
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FAIRY LIQUID USERS: Stop being tight twats and buy your fucking kid a toy spaceship.

...............

Janet Street Porter walks into a bar & says, 'Can I get a large aperitif?'
Barman says, 'I doubt it'

...............

The backlash against Coronation Street's male rape storyline has led ITV bosses to consider whether it ought to drop the soap.

...............

Happy "would you like me to tarmac your diveway" Day.

...............

At my cousin's wedding last weekend, I got talking to a man who was wearing a kilt.
I said, "You've probably been asked this loads of times already, but can I ask you the traditional question?"
He grinned and replied, "Oh, go on then!"
I said, "Do you realise you look a complete fucking knob?"

..............

My girlfriend loves it doggy style.
Mind you, she is a Labrador.

..............

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex.
We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.

..............

I got back to my wife's hospital room around an hour after she 'd given birth and she said "Where have you been?"
"Just the Registry Office," I replied. "How's Adolf?"
She said, "Who the fuck is Adolf?"

..............

A Geordie bloke phoned his mother-in-law & told her that her daughter had gone into labour.
"Is she dilated?" asked the mother-in-law.
"I don't know cause she's off her heed on gas & air reet now, but i'm fucking over the moon like.

..............

Dear American students
If the guns don't kill you, the bridges probably will.

..............

I’ve discovered I have a logic fetish.
I can’t stop coming to conclusions.

..............

I just told my wife that I had sex with another woman.
She said, "Can you please repeat that for me?"
I said, "Sure, I'm seeing her again tomorrow night."

.............

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  #1418  
Old 18-03-2018, 06:58 PM
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Mo Salah is the most dangerous Muslim attacker since Osama Bin Laden.

.............

My boiler needs a good servicing.
I'm going to need some Viagra.

.............

Russia have tit-for-tat expelled 23 diplomats after Britain 23 expelled diplomats. Now Theresa May is considering what to do next.
She should kill herself, then Putin will kill himself.
The world will then be free from a horrible tyrant ... AND Putin will also be dead.

.............

Research today shows that essential oils cause 'male breasts to grow'.
Just how many pints of essential oils is James Corden drinking a day?

.............

After Jennefir Lopez rebranded herself as J-Lo, Pete Doherty has decided to use a similar idea, but hasn’t really thought it through as he decided to go with Pe-Do!

.............

90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house.
The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.

.............

What was the last thing heard by passengers of the Titanic ?
A band on Ship.

.............

LIVERPOOL: Pretend you love Muslims now that you have one that can score goals.

.............

I was fuming when my family clubbed together to get me some psychiatry vouchers for my birthday.
I wanted a dead kitten.

.............

The Russians are worried about the result of the polls:
When they hear the result the Poles will begin to worry.

.............

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.
She nearly took my fucking eye out!

.............

How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?
Who cares? They never get the house anyway.

.............

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  #1419  
Old 19-03-2018, 07:29 PM
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Breaking NEWS: Britain expels Aleksandr and Sergei meerkat.

................

What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?

.................

MAGISTRATES: When you give Anthony Mcpartlin his community service for drink driving, do the country a favour and make him do it on a Saturday night.

.................

“Please, take extra care on the roads.”
“Ice?”
“No ...just seen Ant McPartlin get into his car.”

.................

At the Anger Management course my counsellor said, "You've been starting fights your whole life. It's because you are essentially an addict. You constantly try to 'prove' something through violence, but because the world doesn't work that way and most people are civil, you're always having to create conflicts with others. Would you agree that afterwards you perform mental loop-the-loops to portray yourself as the victim, and all the while it's because you are an addict and you can't admit that you have a problem?"

And that's when I decked him. Cheeky cunt, asking me if I had a fucking problem.

..................

Pauline at work accused me of being sexist yesterday because I always whistle at her when she walks into the office but I don't do the same when Frank walks in. So I have taken on board what she said and instead of whistling at her, today I greeted her with 'morning cunt' and dipped my balls in her coffee when she wasn't looking, just like I did to Frank.

This equality thing works better than I thought.

..................

Hotel California is basically a negative Tripadvisor review with a two minute guitar solo.

..................

Forgive me Father, for I have Dennis.
- Dyslexic confession.

..................

Ant McPartlin has gone into the recording studio to do a new version of And and Dec’s 1994 hit, “Let’s Get Ready to Rhumble”.

Lets get ready, ready
Lets get ready, ready
Lets get ready, ready
Lets get ready to rum and coke!

Watch me wreck the car!
Watch me wreck the car!
Watch me wreck the car!
SHITE!

..................

I'm struggling to write a porn movie.
There's just too many holes in the plot.

..................

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  #1420  
Old 20-03-2018, 06:45 PM
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I need to re-home a dog.
It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot.
If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

...............

People claim to be into recycling, but watch their faces as you rinse out a condom.

...............

I asked my wife do you think your mother would prefer River Dance or something more Fred Astairish?
She replied. "I think she'd prefer it if you stayed off her fucking grave all together you sick bastard."

...............

Too many cocks spoil the breath.

...............

NEWSFLASH!!!!
Self-driving Uber car kills Arizona woman pedestrian.
NRA calls for more guns.

...............

I faked an orgasm last night.
Afterwards, I smoked an e-cigarette.

...............

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.

...............

I hate it when a dog starts barking and every other dog nearby upvotes it.

...............

As soon as women see me, they want to get in shape to impress me.
So they start running.

...............

SKY WORLD NEWS....

Uber self-driving car crashes and kills cyclist in Arizona....
....lucky it wasn't run by Microsoft or there'd be multiple crashes.

...............

Mr Tickle wanted to marry the girl of his dreams.
However, Tess was reluctant to take on his surname.

...............

What could be bigger than the national debt?
Ant McPartlin's car insurance renewal quote.

...............

Women will not date a guy who lives with his mother but they will date a guy who lives with his wife.

...............

I'm not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there's so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

...............

I called up the Catholic diocese and told them I wanted to report a miracle.
"What have you witnessed, my son ?" replied the deacon.
"I've been using my computer for a week straight and not once has it restarted to install updates !"

...............

ITV bosses have said after considerable thought they have taken the decision to drop Ant McPartlin from his role on Saturday Night Takeaway.
When interviewed, Mr McPartlin said he wasn't too bothered by the ITV bosses decision, as he has been approached by the BBC who have offered him a position as a new presenter on Top Gear.

...............

Irony:
Oklahoma suspends death penalty due to lack of drugs , just as Trump wants to give Drug Dealers the death penalty!

...............

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  #1421  
Old 21-03-2018, 07:37 PM
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Ha - mildly amusing
Haha - laughing
Hahaha - saracstic laughing
Hahahaha - Staying Alive

...............

Have you heard about all these atheists going round killing each other to prove they're a better atheist than the others...
No ,me neither.

...............

I'm still in shock with regards to Ant McPartlin.
I mean seriously.
How the fuck did he manage to fit that forehead into a Mini?

...............

I'm still in shock with regards to Ant McPartlin.
I mean seriously.
How the fuck did he manage to fit that forehead into a Mini?

...............

All I'm saying is, I've never seen my mother in law and Satan in the same room.

...............

Anyone else heard the new single called "Lets get ready to stumble" by PJ and Drunken?

...............

There's nothing funny about syphilis.
Well, unless your doctor has a lisp, then it's fucking hilarious.

...............

#DeleteFacebook? You must be joking!!??! Where else would I be able to do a quick quiz that tells me what member of the Nazi party I would have been?

...............

I met a girl on a dating website last week and we had been having some fantastic phone sex.
"I'm rubbing my big, throbbing penis whilst I talk to you."
It was at that point, I decided she probably wasn't the one for me.

...............

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast,
my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

...............

Have you ever wondered about those people who pay a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards!

...............

I realised my parents favoured my twin brother when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

...............

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  #1422  
Old 22-03-2018, 07:00 PM
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When a woman is on her period you're not meant to go camping in North America, this is in case you come across a bear and she bites its head off for no apparent reason.

..............

Q. What's the odd one out?

1. A Crab
2. A Lobster
3. A Fish
4. A Pakistani run over by a steam roller.

A. The fish the rest are Crustaceans.

..............

Although Jesus was known as a carpenter.
He never actually sang on any of their albums.

..............

I may be getting older, but I remember back in my day,
if you took pics of yourself to show all your mates, you were a faggot.

..............

Paddy asks Murphy if he wants any fags when he goes on holiday.
"Aye, I'll have 200 lambert & butler please".
Two weeks pass, Paddy brings Murphy his 200 fags to the local pub.
"How much do I owe you" asks Murphy.
"Just call it £125" says Paddy.
"Be'Jesus Paddy, says Murphy, where the feck did you go on your holiday?"
"Butlins" said Paddy.

..............

BBC News : Man United apply to have women's team
I thought they already had one !

..............

True. I once met Harold Shipman a man
Who killed an estimated 200 plus people
Making him 1 of if not the most prolific serial killers ever .
So in my lifetime ive met two of the most
Evil people on history him and my ex wife.

..............

"Primary school erects 10ft fence to stop crime wave"
It may stop it during school hours, but once they let the little bastards out at four o'clock, the vandalism, shoplifting and mugging start all over again.

..............

It's nice to see, with all the money she's saved up with the cutbacks and austerity.
Theresa May is trying to treat herself to a war with Russia.

..............

How many pedants does it take to change a lightbulb?
The correct term is 'replace', actually.

..............

Went to a party on my own last night. Felt like a fish out of water.
Had a fucking asthma attack.

..............

Some days, you're titanic,
some days, you're the iceberg and
some days, you're the guy who jumped off
and hit the propeller on the way down

..............

The wife was getting dressed up for a night out with her mates, walked into the lounge and asked me to rate her.
"8 or 9 at least." I said.
"Out of 10?" she smiled... "Thanks, Babe, I'm flattered."
Didn't have the heart to tell her I meant pints.

.............

A Nigerian scam artist was so disappointed with my bank account, he started a GoFundMe page for me.

.............

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  #1423  
Old 23-03-2018, 05:58 PM
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I've just been offered The Daily Mail for £1 a month for three months.
I may take this up, that's a saving of around £57 on my usual toilet paper.

...............

UK government - Legalise cannabis and use the tax money to repair the roads.
Call it operation pot-hole.

...............

NEWS: Russia behind hacking of Toys Я Us logo.

...............

I am holding a quiz about masturbation
It will be called "A Question of Spurt"

...............

At work there was a discussion about who was worse, Fred or Rose West.
I said I hated Kanye more, at least Fred & Rose only killed people, not fucking music.

...............

I played a benefit gig earlier.
I was busking outside the Job Centre

...............

Q. Why do the French go shopping on a Thursday?
A. Because it's murder in the supermarket on Friday.

...............

I'm in Amsterdam at the moment, and there are England hooligans all over the place.
I saw a group of them staggering out of a bar and into a 'coffee shop'.
So I shouted, "You're going home in a fucking ambience!"

..............

The state of education in this country is absolutely appalling.
I went to my son's class recently to give a presentation, and not one kid there could even find England on the map.
Seriously thinking about pulling him out of this "School for the Blind."

..............

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  #1424  
Old 24-03-2018, 06:36 PM
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Nobody talks about Jesus's miracle of having twelve close friends in his thirties.

.................

A judge asks a surly defendant if he has anything to say for himself.
The defendant mutters, "fuck all."
"What did you say?" asks the judge.
The court clerk turns to the judge and says, "the defendant said, "fuck all", your honour."
"Really?" replies the judge, "I could have sworn I saw his lips move."

.................

LIVERPOOL'S HIGHEST MOUNTAIN....
....KILAMANFORAGIRO.

.................

Suzuki have cancelled their advert featuring Ant & Dec.
However, Ant & Dec have said they are excited about their new exclusive deal with Jack Daniels.

.................

How many amoeba does it take to change a light bulb ?
1..2..4..8 ..wait 16 no 32 ..64..128, oh Fuck it!

.................

Started dating a girl who works for the Ministry of Defence.
Can't wait to debrief her.

.................

"Queen to start marathon (remotely from Windsor)"
That's a big headstart, but I think it more than a little unwise for her to take up any sport at her age.

.................

All that French hero in Trèbes did was surrender himself as prisoner.
Old habits die hard.

.................

Whats the difference between Boris Johnson and a scarecrow?
Scarecrows do a real job.

.................

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  #1425  
Old 25-03-2018, 05:54 PM
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Christ has returned and performed one of his old miracles.
He fed five Americans with only five thousand loaves and two thousand fishes.

......................

What's the difference between Anusol and Deep Heat?
I'll tell you once I've finished fucking crying.

......................

HELP..... Does anyone know how to cancel an eBay bid?...
I made an offer for a mickey mouse outfit and now I'm 6 minutes away from owning Liverpool Football Club.

......................

Under interview in the police station, the sergeant asked me why I kept beating my wife.
“Height and weight advantage, longer reach and quicker footwork” was my reply.

......................

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

......................

My high school Geography teacher was the best.
I wouldn't have swapped him for all the tea in Denmark.

......................

Punctuation is very important...
There's a Maypole dancer.
Theresa May, pole dancer.

......................

Injury Lawyers 4U are shite.
When our 15 year old daughter cut herself on the garden fence, they told me to take a picture of her gash.
I'm up in court next week.

......................

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Old 26-03-2018, 05:14 PM
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Just had a weird message from my girlfriend on my walkie talkie
"Our relationship is"

................

Alan Smith
Just now ·
You can tell a lot about a person by the type of paper they buy.
...If a person buys the Guardian paper they’re liberal lefties.
...If a person buys the Mail paper they’re right wing reactionaries.
...If a person buys Sandpaper they’re Australian cricketers.

...............

Fifty three dead in Russian mall blaze.
The Russians and their nerve gas are no match for Theresa May and her box of matches.

...............

I don't mind going back to daylight saving time.
With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year.

...............

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
The structure of the wall was incorrect.
So he won 10 Grand with claims direct.

...............

BBC weather: possible white stuff in May,
depends how drunk her husband is I guess.

...............

What do call a man with an elephant on his head?
An ambulance.

...............

My mates wife found a hidden FHM magazine collection and went ballistic. "I've been looking through these and I want a divorce!" she yelled.
"It's not a dirty mag," He tried to explain. "OK, it's full of gorgeous women but you never see any nipple or bush. In fact most of it is about male grooming and fashion. Fuck, I'm gay aren't I?" He said.

..............

Dec reveals he is going to be a dad.
His wife Ali has already said she is going to have a cesarean-section "If the baby takes after him, there's no way I'd be able to push that forehead out " she said.

..............

Russian President Vladimir Putin has been nominated for a Nobel prize in Medicine for his work on clinical depression.
Apparently he can predict who will commit suicide the next week in London by just picking up his phone.

..............

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Old 27-03-2018, 03:52 PM
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A black guy in a library asked me where the coloured printer was.
I replied, "Mate, it's 2018, you can use any printer you want."

................

To anyone suffering from Paranoia...........You are not alone.

................

My girlfreind has a fanny like a mouses ear.
A Hippopota mouse.

................

Australian accused of ball tampering.
Rolf Harris adamant he has never been to Cape Town.

................

I was so excited thinking I was to star in an episode of ‘Undercover Boss’.
But I was actually being investigated by the social.

................

When a girl seductively tells you, “You can stick it wherever you want.”
Apparently in her sister is NOT one of the options.

................

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Old 28-03-2018, 05:31 PM
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My old dad used to say " always, always be up front with everyone!"
Great man, shit goalkeeper!

................

Passed an RAC van at the lights earlier.
When I looked over I saw the driver was crying.
I think he was heading for a breakdown.

................

I read that a banana a day helps to keep your colon clean.
I just wish they'd told me I was supposed to eat them.

................

I've just driven past the Jehovah's Witnesses Assembly Hall.
So that's where they make the fuckers.

................

My twin's birthday party was the quietest ever.
I made them a birthday cake and misread the recipe and covered it in Temazepam.

................

I identify myself as part of "LGBT" community.
I eat bacon sandwiches. With a gherkin.

................

My old Grandad was always saying "The grass is always greener on the other side"
Nice bloke, fucking awful at laying turf!

................

Bargain Booze latest High Street chain to go into administration...all 2,600 job losing staff are reported to be well pissed!

................

The last time I masturbated in the shower, I got kicked out of Auschwitz.

................

My elderly Jewish neighbour didn’t have a shit for the whole of World War 2.
They sent him to a constipation camp.

................

I was washing my car just now when my annoying neighbour shouted over to me, "You can clean mine next if you want, Ha ha?"
Jesus, it's bad enough I have to fuck his wife for him.

................

The Irish government has advised local councils to save money on lollipop men and women by moving all the schools over to the other side of the road!

................

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Old 29-03-2018, 05:07 PM
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Never trust an Electrician with fuzzy hair.

.................

When you fancy a wank and your computer shows "2 minutes power remaining."
Challenge accepted.

.................

These days Gender is like the twin towers.
There used to be two, but now its a really sensitive subject.

.................

The E.U has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country after Brexit.
I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.

.................

I've been banned from this years easter egg hunt.
Last year I painted my balls yellow and hid in a bush.

.................

In South Africa, a Christian preacher has been badly mauled by lions after running towards them to prove that man has dominion over the animals, as stated in the Bible.
What he's actually just done there is prove Darwin's theory of Natural Selection.

.................

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Old 29-03-2018, 07:36 PM
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The KKK are again in trouble for burning crosses, but apparently it was all a misunderstanding.

A spokesman was quoted as saying "all we were doing was trying to dry Jesus off"
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Old 30-03-2018, 06:06 PM
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Interviewer: "Describe yourself in three words."
Me: "Efficient."

................

It's my son's birthday today and he is 4.
Seeing as money is very tight at the moment we are not going to tell him.

................

It’s Good Friday!!!
…. said Robinson Crusoe as his manservant sucked his cock.

................

I told my wife I had been to a recruitment agency & got a job in a bowling alley.
"Ten pin?" She asked
"No, it's permanent" I said.

................

Just been banned from my church's Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren't "Ta-Daa!"

................

BBC News - A humpback whale has been found dead, floating in the River Thames.
It wasn't an American tourist as originally reported.

................

When I heard there was an Australian tampering scandal I had assumed Rolf Harris had been released....Turns out it was about cricket.

................

A few months ago my mate said he didn’t understand irony.
I’ve just heard, he’s been caught shoplifting gloves in Saudi Arabia.
I think he will now.

................

RIP Bill Maynard.
He may have been a shit actor but he made great wine gums.

................

Ferrero Rocher sales plummet due to global ambassador crisis.

................

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Old 31-03-2018, 05:30 PM
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I'm fucked if I know what I was drinking last night but my throat feels as though it's been tampered with by an Australian cricketer.

................

My wife thinks I'm a sex machine.
Or, as she puts it, "A dildo."

................

I asked my dinner guests what kind of salad they would like.
A lot voted Romaine, but leaf won.

................

Five arrested after Northern Ireland's biggest ever bust of herbal cannabis.
Gardai believe they were working for Irish Gangta rapper Puff Paddy.

................

Wouldn’t like to say that the owner of my local halal restaurant is tight; but he only puts on an all you can eat offer during Ramadan.

................

Can anyone help me with my Easter Crossword?

I'm stuck on this clue:
2 across - where Jesus was nailed.

................

Donald Trump has declared that April will be National Sexual Assault Awareness Month.
I think it's well out of order for a sitting President to use his position to publicise his hobbies.

................

My wife is like a precious oil painting.
Her name is Lisa, and she's always fucking moaning.

................

Stephen Hawking’s funeral is taking place today.
They’ll press Ctrl + X. Then empty the recycle bin.

................

My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party.
So I invited a couple of her friends over and made them clean the house.

................

Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree.
That makes it a plant.
Therefore, chocolate is salad.
Happy Easter!

................

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Old 01-04-2018, 04:23 PM
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I walked into a bar & shouted "All Man Utd fans are wankers".
A big bloke at the back stood up & said " I take offence at that"
"Why" I asked "Are you a Man Utd fan?"
"No" he said "I'm a wanker"

...............

Me and my mate where having a few drinks last night telling each other our best chat up lines
Some of his were so good, I ended up back at his place.

...............

April 1st, officially the worst day of the year to have a cardiac arrest.

...............

I asked my mum if by any chance I was adopted, she replied "hilarious, why on earth would we have chosen you?"

...............

I had a twenty one minute doggie with the missus last night ( Thats three minutes in human time.)

...............

Simon Cowell has been stung by a jellyfish whilst swimming in the sea in Barbados.
"The cold slimy invertebrate brushed against my skin filling me with nausea and revulsion I felt physically sick" Said the jellyfish.

...............

When my son was six , I threw him into the pool thinking he would instantly learn to swim.
He probably would've if it had water in it.

...............

Some bully at work just did an April Fools prank on me.
Jokes on him though, as April Fools Day isn't until May this year. My mum told me this morning.

...............

Easter makes me think ... is there such a thing as coming back from the dead after being crucified?
We'll only know if West Brom return to the Premier League next year.

...............

I have clean conscience.
I haven’t used it once.

...............

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Old 02-04-2018, 06:02 PM
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I just don't get it with these Ethiopians and Kenyans. They have no problem running 26 mile marathons. But when it comes to them walking 5 miles for clean water all they do is bloody moan!

...................

I was in a queue in a bank in Northampton the other day, this fat, ugly, loud woman and her 2 kids were behind me. She was yelling like fuck at them when I asked her "Lovely kids you have there, are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops yelling long enough to say "No they're not fucking twins, one is 9 and the other is 7, why the fuck would you say they're twins, are you blind or fucking stupid?"
"I'm neither blind or stupid madam" I replied "I just can't fucking believe someone would shag you twice!"

...................

Authorities in Belfast have responded with haste to the recent water shortage.
They've closed lanes 1 and 2 at all of the local swimming pools.

...................

Ever noticed how jesus was born and died on a bank holiday, coincidence or what.

...................

I bought a smart phone today.
And it came with unlimited 'Staring at your phone to avoid contact with other people' minutes.

...................

Watching my wife getting fingered by another woman, I decided to do what any normal man would do and had a wank...
...The midwife wasn't happy though and I'm now banned from the fucking hospital!

...................

Whoever coined the phrase" as different as chalk and cheese"
obviously doesn't shop at lidl.

...................

There’s renewed hope in Malaysia for the discovery of flight 370.
My wife has agreed to help; she’s an expert at digging up negative shit that everyone else has forgotten about.

...................

Couldn’t sleep last night. So I watched the Joshua v Parker fight again.

...................

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Old 03-04-2018, 05:58 PM
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What's a pikey kids favourite song?
"The wheels on the house go round & round".

...............

Was Moses the first bloke to download data from the cloud to his tablet?

...............

Winnie Mandela fought against Apartheid tirelessly.
But not tyrelessly.

...............

My dad always said "Do something you love & you'll never need to work a day in you life".
He was a heroin addict.

...............

My wife told me she would love to sell all her clothes and buy a whole new wardrobe, so I took the liberty of doing it for her.
I don't know why she wanted that though, now she has two wardrobes and no clothes to put in either of them.

...............

People often comment that my wife is "the man" in our marriage.
And I think they definitely have a point. She's the one with the moustache.

...............

Is my ex-wife's new husband my ex-husband in-law?

...............

I probably shouldn't have driven home from the pub last night...
Especially as I walked there in the first place.

...............

Little kid has a dad who is a welder.
One day he takes his dad's welding mask and gun and goes out to play.
Nonce pulls up in his car, offers the lad sweets and asks him if he wants to go for a drive. Boy gets in and off they go.
Nonce: "Do you do blow jobs"
Boy: "ummm"
Nonce: "do you like anal"
Boy: "Errrh"
Nonce: "How about spit roasts"
Boy: "Umm"
Nonce: "Howabout teabagging. Do you do that"
Boy: "I'm not a real welder you know"

...............

I met a guy today in a wheelchair. His face was all battered & bruised.
"What happened to your face?". I asked.
"I'm training for the paralympics" he said
"Boxing?".
"No.....hurdles"

...............

Thousands of people have gathered outside Nelson Mandela house after the death of his wife.
Delboy and Rodney have told them all to fuck off!

...............

The crime rate is so bad in Liverpool, that last week a bank robber was mugged on the way back to his getaway car!

...............

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Old 04-04-2018, 05:38 PM
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Meghan Markle once asked the queen "What's the secret of a long life?" To which the queen replied "Wear a seat belt and don't piss me off!

...............

Police say their investigation into the shooting at the YouTube headquarters has been hampered by having to sit through a 5 second advert before interviewing each witness.

...............

Q: Who takes the second shot in a game of snooker.

A: Find out after the break.

...............

Today on Loose Women:
A group of middle-aged, multi-millionaire women with their own TV show tell us how unfair life is.

...............

I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.

...............

Shooting today at Youtube headquarters in California.
There would've been more victims, but loading times were slow.

...............

My Dad always used to say, "We should embrace our mistakes".
Then he'd give me a Big Hug.

...............

My son joined ISIS ten years ago and I never thought I'd see him again.
When I at last saw him yesterday I couldn't believe how different he looked.
They don't fuck about with those drone attacks.

...............

Watched a Pretenders’ tribute band.
They were called The Authentics.

...............

Went to the hole in the wall earlier as I felt like treating myself.
You just can't beat a blowjob from a stranger.

...............

My grandad was highly decorated in WW2,
Its often thought that it was the tinsel on his helmet that got him shot.

...............

Car salesman - this does 0 to 25mph in 15 minutes and will not go any faster.
"I'll take it" said the man I get stuck behind every fucking morning on my commute to work.

...............

I went to the local pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if they sold Benylin?
'For cough?' he said
'Alright mate I only asked!'

...............

I recently ended a 5 year relationship.
It’s OK though, it wasn’t my relationship.

...............

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Old 05-04-2018, 05:27 PM
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When a woman says "ready in 5 minutes" and a man says "home in 5 minutes" they mean exactly the same thing.

................

Haven't seen Liverpool fans this happy since their benefits went up....

................

Starbucks,KFC and Macdonalds have announced today that they have no gender pay gap.
In a joint statement, a spokesperson announced " We have no need of a gender pay gap within our organisations, we are all paid shite, male,female or any other gender"

................

The youngest competitor at the Commonwealth games in Australia is just 11 years old.
Rolf Harris is gutted that he can't attend. He'd have definitely got a meddle.

................

'Hell does not exist,' says Pope Francis
He’s obviously never been in Primark on a Saturday afternoon.

................

There’s a lot of abuse of overweight Americans , it’s not fair most of them suffer from an over active knife and fork and have a lot on their plates.

................

North Korea will be able to reach UK shores with an intercontinental ballistic missile within six to 18 months, MPs have said.....even faster if they use Hermes instead of Royal Mail Parcelforce!

................

For every bloke who fails at life there is usually a woman somewhere with a free house.

................

A Welsh soldier fighting in Syria against ISIS has been accidentally killed in a drone strike.
He was hit by a leek seeking missile.

................

I'm calling my wellies George Michael.
They got sucked off in a bog today.

................

I never completed my Duke of Edinburgh Award but I'm not going for a hip replacement just for a certificate.

................

"Tax sugar, alcohol and tobacco to help the poor, say experts"
These people have very little money, so take more off them and they'll be richer, right?

................

Not seen Scousers this happy over 1 leg since Paul McCartney met Heather mills.

...............

If your parents stopped having kids after you were born, it means one of two things. Either they achieved the perfection they were searching for or they were too fucking scared to try again.

...............

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Old 06-04-2018, 07:34 PM
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I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words.
She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect.
Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

...............

Eric Bristow has passed away.
I fucking loved his gravy.

...............

My favourite sex position is the JFK.
I splatter all over her as she screams and tries to get out of the car.

...............

I went to the bank. The teller slipped me a note that said "There are 2 armed men here."
So I wrote back "That's great. I don't want a one-armed man counting my money."

...............

Metropolitan Police appeal for an end to knife crime.
London gangs say they will give it a stab.

...............

I said to the wife, “I’m going to be watching the Grand Prix at the weekend.”
She replied, “Bahrain?”
I said, “Don’t care what the weather's doing, I'm still watching it.”

...............

In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.
Which means the UK will still have a functioning government.

...............

A plastic surgeon's office is the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose.

...............

If you're 10% Polish, does that make you a tad pole?

...............

Bloody autocorrect strikes again.
The other day I sent my best mate a text saying 'Hey Dave, do you fancy coming for a wank along the river?'
I mean, how embarrassing.
I meant 'canal'

...............

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Old 07-04-2018, 06:48 PM
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It’s going to be awkward if Mr and Mrs Burr ever lose their son Tim in a forest.

................

Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday. He was over the moon.
Bounce on that fucker was far stronger than I thought.

................

A lot of times my wife will suddenly start talking about the football, but she's incredibly annoying and has no bloody idea what she's talking about, and she'll go on and on and won't shut up !
It still amazes me she got hired to broadcast for Sky Sports.

................

Plans are being put in place to merge the two existing Euro tunnels into one larger single tunnel. In a change of fortune, Danniella Westbrooke has been asked to perform the opening ceremony.

................

After years of wondering why i didn't look anything like my two brothers, i finally asked my mum if i was adopted.
"Yes son, you were." She replied, tearfully "But it didn't work out so they sent you back to me".

................

My missus was watching a Nigella Lawson cookery program on TV the other day.
She said "I wish that I could look that good"
I replied "Well, with a bit of carefully applied make up, you could do alright"
She said " Do you reckon I could look like Nigella then"?
"Oh, sorry" I said, "I thought that you were talking about that fucking potato"

................

On Friday my work colleague said that I couldn't get any more annoying. Challenge accepted.
On Monday I will be wearing my tap shoes.

................

Tried my new chat up line on a girl in a club last night. I winked, “If you were in my bed tonight darling, you’d not be able to walk for a week.”
She told me to fuck and off! .... And wheeled her chair to the other side of the room.

................

These days "The Great Train Robbery" is known as "buying a ticket."

................

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Old 09-04-2018, 06:32 PM
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Give a Scouser a fish and he'll eat for a day.
Give him a fishing rod and he'll steal your car keys from your hall table.

................

What does a Man City fan do, straight after beating Barcelona in the Champions League final?
Turns off his Playstation & jumps back into bed with his sister.

................

Everyone's entitled to my opinion.

................

The police knocked on my door this morning.
"Where were you at 8.05pm last night sir" asked the officer.
"I took the wife upstairs for some love making at 8pm last night" i said.
"That's true" my wife shouted "But fuck knows where he was at five past".

................

It's said that the pikey burglar Henry Vincent had a heart of gold.
I'm just wondering who he stole it from.

................

Lost for centuries, volume 2 of the Irish Dancing Manual has finally been rediscovered.
It's titled "How to Move The Arms"

................

Depression: Once I fall into it it's a real struggle for me to understand how I got there and dig myself out of it.
But usually, I stay away from the wife's side of the bed.

................

I could never be a paedophile.
I like tit wanks too much.

................

Think I've upset the gay Mafia, I woke up and found a my little pony head on my pillow.

................

My husband just opened the car door for me, which would have been a really romantic gesture if we hadn't been going 70mph at the time....

................

JESUS SAVES

....not on a zero hour contract he won't

................

I was in a traffic jam when all of a sudden these two little fuckers are trying to remove my hubcaps! Luckily I keep a golf club in the car, so I jumped out and started laying in to the bastards.
Before I knew it there's a whole fucking gang of them attacking the car and I'm on the floor. The missus and the kids were screaming and I was taking a real hiding, before a couple of guys came over to break it all up.
"Cheers mate", I said to one of them, "Can you believe the cheek of those twats? Having a go at my car in broad fucking daylight?"
But apparently it's "what the monkey's do", and now I'm banned from Knowsley Safari Park.

.................

Harry and Meghan are asking for charitable donations instead of wedding gifts.
Starting with £2m from the taxpayer.

................

Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?

................

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