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  #1  
Old 22-08-2007, 08:18 PM
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Default Ralph and Edna

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day...
While they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed
there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news." The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.
I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him... I am so sorry,... but he's dead."
Edna replied... "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
"How soon can I go home?"
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Old 22-08-2007, 08:35 PM
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there's prolly a not really very funny jokes forum this should be in
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Old 22-08-2007, 08:46 PM
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Yes, this is it.......
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Old 22-08-2007, 09:00 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Grav
Yes, this is it.......

I'm sorry, still a noob around theese parts. Still seems unecessary though to post crap jokes liek that



two nuns in a bath. One says "were's the soap?"
the other says "yeah it does, dunnit"

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Old 22-08-2007, 09:34 PM
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Crap jokes are the life and soul of this ere forum and have been for many a year......

.......much to everyones Joy/Chagrin*





*delete as applicable.
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Old 22-08-2007, 09:45 PM
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2 women on the way home from a night out stop in a grave yard to have a wee...one wipes her self clean with her knickers and the one with a wreath.
the next day there husbands are in the pub haveing a drink an one says to the other " i think im going to have to watch my wife, she came home last night with out any knickers on!"....the other says..." thats fuck all, mine had a card wedged in her arse saying ...we'll never forget you from all the boys at the firestation"....


bad i no

Last edited by adamkilledeve; 22-08-2007 at 10:02 PM.
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Old 22-08-2007, 09:59 PM
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It's really a matter of taste, I liked the Edna one and the graveyard one..but then I liked the one that said "How do you make a cat go woof?"... John
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Old 22-08-2007, 10:04 PM
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i think the only jokes i no are rude or crap
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Old 22-08-2007, 10:06 PM
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A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover finally arrives with a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and an old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.




"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
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Old 23-08-2007, 12:11 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by motopat
I'm sorry, still a noob around theese parts. Still seems unecessary though to post crap jokes liek that
Crap, Crap how dare you now this is a crap joke

It's a nice sunny day so Jim decides to go fishing at his usual spot
at a local river. Taking up his usual place, he is surprised to see
another guy sitting on the opposite side of the river. When Jim leaves
that evening the stranger is still sitting there.

When Jim comes back early the next morning, the stranger is there
again and is still fishing when Jim leaves at night.

This happens for a few days until Jim can't contain his curiosity any
more. He walks up to the stranger and says, "Excuse me, I can't help
noticing that every morning when I arrive you are sitting there, and
you're still there when I leave every night. Don't you have a home to
go to?"

"I'm on my honeymoon," replies the stranger. "My wife is in that log
cabin up there on the hillside."

"Shouldn't you be up there screwing her then?" says Jim.

"I can't. She's got gonorrhea," says the stranger.

"What about doing it in her tradesman's entrance?"

"Can't. She's got diarrhoea."

"Well, couldn't you get her to give you a blowjob?"

"Nope. She's got pyorrhea."

"That's terrible," says Jim. "Why did you marry her then?"

"For the maggots."
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Old 23-08-2007, 07:58 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mental Dave
Crap, Crap how dare you now this is a crap joke

It's a nice sunny day so Jim decides to go fishing at his usual spot
at a local river. Taking up his usual place, he is surprised to see
another guy sitting on the opposite side of the river. When Jim leaves
that evening the stranger is still sitting there.

When Jim comes back early the next morning, the stranger is there
again and is still fishing when Jim leaves at night.

This happens for a few days until Jim can't contain his curiosity any
more. He walks up to the stranger and says, "Excuse me, I can't help
noticing that every morning when I arrive you are sitting there, and
you're still there when I leave every night. Don't you have a home to
go to?"

"I'm on my honeymoon," replies the stranger. "My wife is in that log
cabin up there on the hillside."

"Shouldn't you be up there screwing her then?" says Jim.

"I can't. She's got gonorrhea," says the stranger.

"What about doing it in her tradesman's entrance?"

"Can't. She's got diarrhoea."

"Well, couldn't you get her to give you a blowjob?"

"Nope. She's got pyorrhea."

"That's terrible," says Jim. "Why did you marry her then?"

"For the maggots."

much better you sick bastid
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  #12  
Old 23-08-2007, 12:33 PM
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An english man went to ireland for a holiday.
As soon as he get to the coutry it starts to pee it down with rain.
when he reaches his hotel later on in the day, its still raining, and as its fairly late at night he desides that he'll go to sleep and hopefully the rain would have stopped by the morning, he wakes up,and its still raining.
It carries on raining for a couple of days, and as you would have guessed, the english man gets fed up and bored.
On his way to the cafe, he see's this child, and asks, "Does it ever stop raining in this hell hole?"

the kid replies...

"how should i know? im only six"



Oh is that my coat?
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Old 23-08-2007, 12:35 PM
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oh dear, oh dear

A girl and a boy were at the back of the cinema, kissing passionately.
When they come up for air, the boy says, "I really love kissing you,
but do you mind not passing me your chewing gum."

The girl replies, "It's not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis."
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Old 23-08-2007, 12:41 PM
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Martha and Ralph had a ten-year-old son named George. One day Martha was cleaning up around young George's room when under the mattress she discovered, to her horror, a couple of S&M Magazines.

Martha in a state of shock quickly ran to the living room, where Ralph was sitting in his leather recliner contemplating the mysteries of life while smoking his pipe.

Martha handed the magazines to Ralph and excitedly said "Look what I found in little George's room... What should we do ???"

Ralph thumbed through the magazines for a while, pondering what he saw...

Slowly, he took a drag from his pipe and, with great deliberation and somber wisdom, said "Well, Martha, we probably shouldn't spank him."
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  #15  
Old 23-08-2007, 12:44 PM
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I like that
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Old 23-08-2007, 02:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mental Dave
oh dear, oh dear

A girl and a boy were at the back of the cinema, kissing passionately.
When they come up for air, the boy says, "I really love kissing you,
but do you mind not passing me your chewing gum."

The girl replies, "It's not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis."
Thats more commonly known as a Belgian Kiss. Similar to a french Kiss only with more Phlegm.
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Mitch Says " It'll be alright trust me, I'm a yorkshireman..... "
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Old 23-08-2007, 07:41 PM
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Talking Joke.

A blonde walks into a bar and says, "OUCH! that fucking hurt!".

Sorry but I think we have found the level now!

Chopper.
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  #18  
Old 23-08-2007, 07:56 PM
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a pervy is walking down the road looking fr his next victim and see's a little girl under a tree, so he go's and talks tyo her...
'hello, little girl, whats your name........' he grumbles

'my name is apple blossum' replies the girl

'and how did you get that nam' asks the perv

' well when mummy and daddy made me, the apple tree was in full blossum and the petals fell over mummy and daddy whilst they were making love'

the perv suddenly feels pangs of guilt as this was truely a amazing storey to her name.......

a bit later he spots another girl and gos's off to ask the same questions...

'hello, little girl, whats your name........' he grumbles

'my name is cherry blosum' replies the girl

'and how did you get that nam' asks the perv

' well when mummy and daddy made me, the cherry tree was in full blossum and the petals fell over mummy and daddy whilst they were making love'

the perv suddenly feels pangs of guilt as this was truely a amazing storey to her name.......

really thinking that this was not to be his day, the perv spots another girl, but this one is in a wheel chair.....

right he thinks, this should be a piece of piss, 3rd time lucky

'hello little girl, whats your name' grumbles the perv

the girl replies ' breeze block mister, why'
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Old 24-08-2007, 06:33 AM
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Here the one about the woman with three c*nts?























































She was f**ked left, right, and centre!


Open that door I'm coming through!
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Old 24-08-2007, 09:45 AM
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Thirteen...


A young man was strolling down a street in south London. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again.

Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a knot in the wood, and put his eye to the hole.

He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye.

As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen ..."
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Old 24-08-2007, 09:47 AM
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A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we Indians always have long names, while the white men have shorter names, like Bill or Tex or Sam?"

His father replied, "Look, my son, it is part of our makeup that, no matter what happens, we will survive. Indian names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white man, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation.

For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.

Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people. It's very simple and easy to understand.

Do you have any other questions, Little Hole In Condom Made in China?"
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Old 24-08-2007, 06:25 PM
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did you hear about klu-klux-keneval



he tried to jump 50 pakis with a steam roller
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