100% Biker & Trike Magazine Forums

Go Back   100% Biker & Trike Magazine Forums > 100% Biker > Down The Pub

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1501  
Old 11-06-2018, 10:05 AM
Biker Buster's Avatar
Biker Buster Biker Buster is offline
It's about time I shut the fuck up!
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Near Glasgow
Posts: 1,767
Default

I was sitting at a long stop light yesterday, thinking about what I could do to keep busy during retirement, minding my own business and patiently waiting for the light to turn green.

An old Nissan full of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-British
slogans, with a half-burned union Flag duct-taped on the boot of their car and a “Remember Manchester” slogan spray painted on the side, stopped next to me.

Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah! Death to British infidels” and took off before the light changed.

Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler truck came speeding through the junction and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.



For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself,

" Fuuuuuuuck!.....that could have been me!”




So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver!
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #1502  
Old 11-06-2018, 05:25 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 8,750
Default

I've nothing against these feminists really, but I wish that they would channel all that enthusiasm into cooking and cleaning.

.............

Whats the Difference between Red & Green ?
Fuck all apparently if you’re on a bike

.............

Two Dinosaurs holding hands on a beach watching a ship sail away into the sunset.
One turns to the other and says "That Noah's a Cunt"

............

Happiness is when you don’t try to change the world but rather yourself. No need to cover the world in leather when you can simply wear sandals. They’re easy to get.. Outside mosques.

............

I was in an Irish restaurant. I said at the end of the meal, “Can I have the bill please?” He said, “Did you have the duck?” I said, “Yes”. He said, “Sorry but the chef threw it away.”

............

I’ve seen two stories today about Lily Allen ....
Story 1 – She claims she’s £1 million in debt.
Story 2 – She admits she spends 5 hours a day on Twitter.
Someone join the fucking dots for her!!

............

Some Muslim cunt smashed my car's windscreen today.
"Fucking bastard," I yelled, although I probably could have swerved around him.

............

Trump is said to be very nervous about the summit in Singapore.
At the same time He's really excited to finally get a selfie with Michael McIntyre.

............

Me and my girlfriend play the "England World Cup Squad" sex game - neither of us know why we're there or what we're doing, there's little passion or communication and we rarely even make it past the first stage. It's often accompanied by lots of unnecessary noise, horrible dribbling and never a clean sheet. It's always over far too quickly and when it does end we know it'll be at least another 4 years before it happens again.

............

A Woman rugby international who faked brain cancer to seduce a 15 year old girl, has been convicted of sexual assault.
The judge put her on the sex offenders register, sentenced her to custody, a restraining order and 2 points for a conversion.

............

Exam Question:
Brenda is 16. at least she said she was.
How much shite are you in?

............

"Body found in search for missing debt collector"
Somebody will pay for that.

............

Breaking News on the big summit:
Donald Trump suddenly had a relapse when his bone spur began to play up as he flew over Vietnam on the way to Singapore.

...........

Latest news from the Singapore summit:
"We'd love to see democracy established in North Korea" - Donald Trump.
That's a bit rich coming from the fat orange head who became President after receiving 3 million less votes than his Democrat opponent.

...........

What’s Silver and parked out the front?
A trolley outside a house in Thorplands that was clearly stolen from Tesco

...........

I gave my wife £50 and told her to go out on Thursday and leave me in peace while I watch the World Cup. "I won't need that much," she laughed. "You will," I said. "It's got to last you five weeks."

...........

My town just had its annual incest competition,
I entered my sister.

...........

My girlfriend doesn't swallow, she spits.
Should have thought that over before I started dating a camel.

...........

Fitness tip: running your mouth is not considered exercise.

...........

Q: Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

...........

I saw my my ex girlfriend and her daughter today.
"Look at you, you've got so big," I smiled.
She said, "I know, she's almost five now."
"I didn't mean her," I replied, "I was talking to you."

...........

Attached Images
 
__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1503  
Old 12-06-2018, 06:57 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 8,750
Default

A Scotsman was up in court accused of shagging a cat.
The Magistrate let him off because in forty years of being on the bench, he'd never heard of a Scotsman putting anything in a kitty.

.............

"Dad, I've just heard that The World Cup is going to be increased to forty eight teams, so we'll have more chance of qualifying then, right?"
"No son, I'm afraid it means we'll still be Scottish. "

.............

"We shall fight on the beaches"
- Winston Churchill

"One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind"
- Neil Armstrong

"Defeat is good"
- Usain Bolt's chiropodist

............

Raheem Stirling has defended his deliberate dive in the penalty box in the England friendly against Nigeria.
Apparently it was in tribute to his dad who was seen diving for cover before he was shot dead.

............

Leslie Grantham's doctor struggles to keep a straight face as he recommends an Angiogram.

............

An advert for the world cup came on when my wife turned to me and said, "You needn't think you're sitting here for the next month watching fucking football!"
"Of course not, babe," I replied. "I'll be watching it in the pub."

............

Asked about a meeting with the worlds most evil leader, Donald Trump said “I will never meet that cunt May”

............

I felt faint earlier with the heat so I decided to climb naked into bed for an hour!
Long story short I'm now banned from Ikea!

............

What have Theresa May and a three-pin-plug got in common?
They're both fucking useless in Europe.

............

I wish Russia's pitches were not laid with turf, but with copies of the Sun, Telegraph, Mirror, Guardian etc.
It's said that England are a world cup-winning team on paper.

............

Being wanked off and cooking are so similar.
Plenty of people will do it for you, but your Grandma does it best.

............

My wife has done an amazing job of cutting her carbon footprint.
She's given up cooking.

............

Buffalo wings and chicken fingers are clear evidence that genetic modification has been going on for decades without any major side effects.

............

Having a girl with a tattoo on the back of her neck is much like having a bathroom with a magazine in it -
It gives you something to read while you're in the shitter.

............

A man walks into a library and asks for a book on illegal immigrants.
The librarian says, "Which book? There's just so many of them!"
"Yes, that's the one."

............

The entire 15 years my wife and I have been married we only had one fight
and it's still not over.

............

What is Donald Trump's favourite nation?
Discrimination.

............

My doctor told me to start killing people.
Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.

............

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon can we have sex?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes"

............



............

At last, a running race can Manage.....
Attached Images
 
__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1504  
Old 13-06-2018, 05:35 AM
Friar Tuck's Avatar
Friar Tuck Friar Tuck is offline
Super Moderator
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Brothertoft, Lincolngrad!
Posts: 12,583
Default

/We were in the kitchen the other day when the missus asked me " Does my bum look big in this?" admiring her new jeans. "To be fair " I said, "This is a small kitchen"......
__________________
Does my belly look big in this?
Reply With Quote
  #1505  
Old 13-06-2018, 05:45 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 8,750
Default

That Halifax advert with Top Cat in it is spot on.
A few years ago I took out a mortgage with the Halifax, and now I live in a bin in an alleyway.

............

My black colleague said to me.."every time you talk to me there's some sort of subtle racism involved."
I said.."now wait a cotton-pickin' minute!"

............

What does a Korean call their pet lion??
Ryan....

............

My carrots think I take too many drugs.

............

Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on eBay?
I put one in for a Cowboy Outfit yesterday, now I'm only ten minutes away from owning Network Rail.

............

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”

............

Polish fans have been officially warned that if they cause any trouble during the World cup in Russia 2018 they will be deported back to the UK.

............

I asked my five year old daughter what she wanted for her birthday.
"I want unicorns, rainbows and fairies," she giggled.
Ok, LSD it is then.

............

It would be horrific if farting was contagious like yawning.

............

What`s got wings and sucks blood?...........
Always Ultra

............

Had a bet with my scottish pal over englands performances in the group stages .
I get £300 only if we win all 3 matches .
But drunkenly and boastful I agreed to do a forfeit for any match we lose .
Tuna fish makes me wretch so if we lose to Tunisia I have to eat 4 tins of tuna I'm allergic to cocoa so if we lose to Belgium I have to eat 2 large boxes of Belgian chocolates.
God I really hope we don't lose to Panama, because if we do I have to let gay Tony free entry into my canal.

............

Hello, and welcome to another game of " arousing birds of prey"
Fingers in Buzzards please...................

............

I was once stuck on a ski lift for hours.
Then the acid wore off and my Gran was yelling at me to get off her rocking chair and give her walking stick back.

............

A couple fell to their deaths while taking a selfie of a hotel balcony in Portugal.
I would like to thank all mobile phone companies for their help in proving natural selection exists.

...........

To be fair to Trump, he was pretty convincing today...
For a guy who thought he was in North IKEA

...........

Drew Barrymore....
Now I just need to colour him in....

...........

I was pulled over by the police after a shift at the abattoir.
Maybe telling them "I killed pigs for a living" wasn't such a great idea?

...........

I was on the phone to the wife and said, "I'm almost home love, please put the Tassimo on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?
“Yea” ...... she replied “I don’t think the Tassimo wants to talk right now”

...........

My Korean friend died last week.
So Yung.

..........

I hesitantly typed in my credit card details, paid the £145.00 and joined the world's largest paedophile ring.
Or the BBC as they call themselves.

..........

UN: Climate change could threaten worlds supply of fruits and vegetables
Americans: Let us know when it starts affecting pizza and cheeseburgers

..........

My wife told me I had a small penis, so I said it was big enough to hurt her
"There isn't a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing" she said
I then showed her a video of me shagging her sister
"I've never been so hurt in my life" she said
"Argument won" I replied

..........

I’m not antisocial. I’m selectively social.
There’s a difference...

..........



...........
Attached Images
 
__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1506  
Old 14-06-2018, 05:38 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 8,750
Default

A report has concluded that paedophiles should be re-educated.
What a great idea, let's send paedophiles back to school.

..............

My boss said he's going to fire everyone with bad posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.

..............

If you're ever in Africa and come face to face with a lion,
take one step sideways and then one step back.
Repeating this process lets you move obliquely away from the lion
and prevents you from standing in your own shit.

..............

Quote of the day: Whenever you're feeling powerless, just remember that just one of your turds can shut down a whole swimming pool.

..............

I called a child abuse hot line earlier.
A kid answered, called me a fat cunt and told me to fuck off....

..............

One written for the Friar.....

My wife reckons I'm going through a mid-life crisis but she's talking shite. If I want to put on my leathers and bandana and straddle the old two stroke that's up to me.
Anyway..it's my fuckin' ride-on mower.

..............

"Great clean tackle Harry Kane."
"Cheers Mr Southgate, now can you fuck off out of the shower."

..............

Some people say Theresa May acts like she doesn't care.
Not me though, I don't think it's an act...

..............

My grandad died of asbestos poisoning, took two fucking months to cremate him.

..............

Tonight I am holding a candle lit vigil outside my local London tower block thats clad in flammable material with my new group of friends... the Keep Kensington Klear group.

..............

Held a coconut shell up to my ear and I could hear the sound of a one legged horse standing very still.

..............

I once had a lot of arguments and rants with my bank manager. But then I decided to consolidate all my rants into one simple monthly outburst.

..............

A South African friend said that he got me a kindle for my birthday.
I was very excited until he told me he got a matching Barbie as well.

..............

Whilst in South Africa, I had a go on their National Lottery...
...or 'unprotected sex.'

..............

I just came back from holidays in Kilkenny, Ireland.
They take the South Park cartoon way too seriously over there.

..............

Sky News: "Black Teenager stabbed in South London"
Ugh, I hate watching repeats.

..............

A guy who lives down the road from me was selling his car, he said he wanted £800 for it or he'd take the nearest offer.
So I stood right next to him and offered him a tenner.

..............

a newly wed blonde speaking to her mother she says "my new husband was still a virgin when we got married"
mother; "how do you know?"
blonde; "his cock still had the plastic cover on it"

..............

I persuaded my Korean neighbour to come dogging last night, still don't understand why he had a knife and fork with him......

..............

Fuck you, bitch. You ripped my still-beating heart from my chest and shat on it. I hate you, you fanny battered slut monger.
Oops, silly autocorrect, I meant "Yeah sure, I'd love to still be friends xxx".

..............

What's the difference between a tramp and an MP?
One sits about on a bench all day, usually falling asleep, enjoys long liquid lunches and contributes nothing to society.
The other's a tramp.

.............



.............
Attached Images
 
__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1507  
Old 15-06-2018, 05:27 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 8,750
Default

Looks like Saudi Arabia will beheading home soon.

...........

"Rocking up for a gig in the gig economy.."

What it sounds like
..you and your pop star mates step out of a limo, snort some coke do a few bottles of jack daniels in,before stepping out on stage in front of thousands of adoring fans .
What it is
You get off the bus turn up for work to do
a few hours cleaning ,as and when required stipulated in your zero hours contract .

...........

Looks like Russia are off to a flying start. Good thing as last time the Saudi's got a flying start some towers came crashing down.

...........

Picked up this woman last night, big tits, curvy arse, amazing legs, short skirt. She was a little bit out of it ... But one thing led to another and we ended up having mind-blowing sex.
I’ve now been sacked as an ambulance driver.

...........

I’ve been watching a wasp on my window. It got in easy enough but now struggles to escape, despite there being a clear way out.
A bit like Britain with Brexit.

...........

The Uruguay players are all eager to get their World Cup campaign under way. One player in particular can't wait to get his teeth into it.

...........

My wife has text me saying she's blocked the shitter.
I didn't even know she had Piers Morgan on her facebook.

...........

Anyone else thinking this World Cup opening ceremony scandal surrounding Robbie Williams is a thousand times more entertaining than his fucking music?

...........

I hope Poland get knocked out of the World Cup in the group stages.
My cars fucking filthy!

...........

My girlfriend has got that many shoes in the bedroom that it looks like I'm outside of a Mosque.

...........

Math:
Bob buys a 3 litre box of wine for 13.99 on Tuesday afternoon
He drinks 3 litres that night
How long before his wife speaks to him?

...........

As part of a school project on cultural diversity, my son invited a local Korean family around for dinner.
The school reckons it's the first case of the homework eating the dog they've ever come across.

...........



...........
Attached Images
 
__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1508  
Old 16-06-2018, 07:25 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 8,750
Default

Computer games are said to be a bad influence on kids. Nonsense - my generation grew up playing Pac-Man, but did we end up dashing around dark rooms and swallowing white dots while listening to electronic music?

............

I wish Denis the menace had beaten that soft cunt Walter to death when he was a kid.
The cunt only grew up and changed his name to Jacob Rees Mogg.

............

Score update:
Grenfell 1 Glasgow School of Art 2

............

It’s not all bad news for the Glasgow School of Art.
At least now they’ll never run out of charcoal.

............

I've just heard the official song for the England women's football world cup team.
Steam irons on a shirt.

............

For fuck sake, the local bowling alley is closed due to a strike.

............

I dropped my phone in the bath a couple of nights ago.
It's been ringing wet ever since.

............

Haven't seen this many French go down since The Battle of Trafalgar

............

Relationships are a bit like self assembly furniture. One screw out of place and the whole fucking thing falls apart.

............

I cannae believe Scottish politicians are recognising Islam.
It's doing my fuckin eid in!.

............

I remember my grandfather telling me how much he loved the Jewish people.
Lovely man, terrible Gestapo officer.

............

Steven Spielberg spent millions making Schindler's List, and he was showered with praise and umpteen Oscars.
Yet when I lock a few Jews in my garden shed, gas them and post the footage on YouTube, I get sectioned indefinitely under the Mental Health Act. As usual it's one rule for big-shot Hollywood directors, and another for independent low-budget film-makers.

............

Whoever said white boys can't jump has never seen footage from 9/11.

............

For a birthday treat I took my wife to London for the weekend and we visited Madame Tussaud's. While walking through the chamber of horrors, the curator came over to me and said,
Excuse me Sir, would you mind asking your wife to keep moving, as we're doing a stock take'

...........

It's funny how you think you know someone so well.
Then one day you bang his wife and then his true colours start to show.

...........

Saw a couple walking with their baby, the guy was wearing a "Who's the Daddy?" shirt.
Seeing the colour of the baby, it was a genuine plea.

...........



...........
Attached Images
 
__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1509  
Old 17-06-2018, 05:27 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 8,750
Default

I’m having to watch Croatia v Nigeria on an old black and white TV but it’s surprisingly easy to follow.

..............

I laughed like fuck at this daft cunt with three lions on his t-shirt.
Mind you he shouldn't have got out of his taxi in the safari park.

..............

You should never give up on your dreams!
So roll over and go back to sleep.

..............

I really hope the Germans have to play Nigeria in the world cup. I've no interest in the match I just want to see if they put Nig Ger in the corner of the screen.

..............

I didn’t know Steve Tyler had left Aerosmith to manage Peru.

..............

It's a bad day I have to tell the wife the mortgage the credit cards and the woman I've been having an affair with are all 3 months overdue .

..............

I remember the headline: John Hurt Dead.
These were last three stages of Elvis Presley's life.

..............

Persil have just invented a washing powder so strong that it can remove Staines from Middlesex.

..............

I heard recently that, on average, Theresa May has been sent two shits in the post every week since taking office.
What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?

..............

Fella went on Stars in Their Eyes as Glenn Miller - he walked through the mist and no one's seen him since.

..............

Anyone checked that the Scots weren't just trying to deep fry the Glasgow School Of Art??

..............

Congratulations to Germany on reaching Moscow. At least it's a bit further than they managed in 1942.

..............

Article in today's Guardian:
Why Are Dutch Teenagers Among The Happiest In The World?
Don't think I even need to read it.

..............

Scientists have discovered the most quiet thing in the Universe
A racist in the presence of Mike Tyson.

..............

I filled out a job application for the local council today and under disabilities I put narcolepsy and tourettes syndrome.
So not only will I be able to sleep at work, but if someone tries to wake me up I can tell them to fuck off.

.............

Anal sex is like my first car.
I didn't want it, but my uncle gave it to me anyway.

.............

My next door neighbour is a mime artist and we don't get on at all.
So last night I played a blank DVD at full volume just to annoy the bastard.

.............

Local Muslims have opened a boxing gym at the end of our road. We've renamed the street, Mohammed Alley.

.............

The Secret Service got a real scare when someone threw a beer at Donald Trump
Fortunately, it was a draft, so he was able to dodge it.

............



............
Attached Images
 
__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1510  
Old 18-06-2018, 05:31 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 8,750
Default

I hate those people that knock on your door and tell you how you need to be 'saved' or you will 'burn'....
.....fucking firemen.

............

‘Moped thieves stole Sajid Javid's phone as he tried to call taxi’
If only we had a Home Secretary, strong on law and order who could stop this type of thing.

............

Formula one cars can rev to 19000 RPM.
That's nothing special, I've had Hertz rental cars that can do that.

............

I was once a man trapped inside a womans body ..
Then I was born.

............

The Mexico football team know the field better than anyone else, because they're the ones who cut the grass.

............

Three people have been killed after being hit by a train between Camberwell and Brixton. This will have a detrimental effect on services.
Unless one of the three was Transport Minister Chris Grayling.

............

Fathers Day: The most confusing day on council estates.

............

South Korea's coach says he made his players wear different numbered shirts in recent friendlies to confuse opponents who he says cannot tell them apart. Of course, this would be a valid strategy, if every player in your team wasn't equally shit.

............

A lot of people are surprised by Germany's loss to Mexico the other day, but not me.
Anyone who studies history can tell you that the Germans are known for going into Russia unprepared.

............

Mark Lawrenson - the Dignitas of football commentary.

............

I've just ordered the personal number plate BAA BAA.
Should look cool on my black jeep.

............

The Ford Motor Company is unveiling a car with a body entirely made of plastic. I believe they're calling it the Cher.

............

If it wasn't for the war we'd all be speaking German, I pondered as I loaded my Lidl shopping bags into my Audi.

............

If I had to use something to choke Nigella Lawson.
It wouldn't be my hands.

............

Tomorrow is just another workday. Another 8 hours of sitting in front of a screen typing and reading pointless crap.
I can't wait till it's over, and I can get home and spend the evening on Facebook.

............

My girlfriend said that I could pick a couple of my favourite fantasies for some roleplay to spice things up.
So now I need a new girlfriend, but at least I ticked snuff and necrophilia off my bucket list.

...........

I've spent the last 20 years traveling the globe researching breasts of all shapes, sizes and colors.
My conclusion?

Women's are best.

...........



...........
Attached Images
 
__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1511  
Old 19-06-2018, 05:12 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 8,750
Default

Train tags 3 graffiti artists

...........

One for FT.....

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your
willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance
compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing
is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch."

The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how
many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your
wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a
nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one
before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might
be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken
with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're having granite worktops"

............

Endless love ....
Stevie wonder and ray charles playing tennis

............

Security escorted me out of the job centre to day after I lost my temper and called them all lazy uncaring selfish useless cunts.
Fuck them, I fucking hated that job anyway.

............

The music industry tells us that money made from piracy goes to fund the illegal drug industry. Surely rock stars do the same with the money they make through legal record sales.
When they stop breaking the law, so will I.

...........

My new football manager said to me, 'Alright son, since its your first game I'm gonna pull you off at half time.'
That's great I thought. At my last team we only got oranges.

...........

My mate said, "It must be awful for you having a surname like Depressant."
I said, "It's a lot worse for my Auntie."

...........

A friend of mine was allergic to water.
Well I say 'allergic', he drowned.

...........

I got to work this morning and couldn't give a fuck.
Then after just one can of Red Bull i couldn't give a flying fuck.

...........

My cock is a lot like a tsunami. It's big, wet, salty, and it strikes fear into the heart of Asian people.

...........

Definition of embarrassing:
Being rushed to hospital with Miracle Gro burning the skin off your cock.

...........

I was really impressed with Colombia Airlines' new flight simulator.
It comes with five condoms packed with cocaine to stuff up your arse.

...........

For sale: Homeless man.
Still in the box.

...........



...........
Attached Images
 
__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1512  
Old 20-06-2018, 05:31 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 8,750
Default

Poland fans have gone on a rampage in Russia....
Police have reported that 350 cars have so far been washed, polished and hoovered !

.............

"So, I guess you've never been with a prostitute before then" she said.
I replied.." well, no, but how can you tell?"
She said.." look, don't worry about it, just take the pound coins out my fanny and we'll start again"

.............

I rang Northampton Town F.C. about a place for my wheelchair bound wife at the ground.
"Well I think she'll be OK, " I was told, "but she'll probably have to play in goal. "

............

What's an Austrialian kiss?
Same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

............

Masochists. Don't waste £200 per hour on specialist sex workers to get your kicks. Just visit the clap clinic at your local hospital and explain that you have yellow discharge from your penis. You will then get to strip off and an 18 stone, moustachioed, greasy haired bitch in a nurses uniform will stick an 8 inch cotton wool bud down your japs eye for you.....free of charge.
God bless the NHS.

............

FUCK ME! Haven't seen the Japanese fight this hard since Pearl Harbour!

............

In the jungle, a group of explorers hear distant drumming. Their native bearers suddenly seem very afraid. The expedition's leader asks them, "What's going on?"
A native bearer replies, "Very bad when drumming stops."
So the leader asks, "Why, what happens then?"
The bearer explains, "Bass solo starts."

............

My wife is a sex object........ everytime I ask for sex she fucking objects!

............

When Theresa May was Home Secretary, she vowed to create a 'hostile environment' for immigrants coming to live in Britain.
Nice to see she wanted them treated the same as those of us who were born here.

...........

A teacher is explaining biology to her 8 year-old students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter."
A little girl raises her hand and says, "I had a kitty cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "FUCK," the Rottweiler ate him!"

............

My doctor told me that fish oil strengthens your joints.
I just tried it and it didn't work, it was too soggy to light!

............

I once read this great book, about a family of lions who kicked the gay one out.
I think it was called, 'Pride and Prejudice'.

............

The genuine refugee rebuilds his dreams in your paradise. The fake refugee comes to turn your paradise into a hell of his belief.

............

I'm not saying my estate's rundown, but the Syrian refugees keep telling me just how happy they are to be home.

............



............
Attached Images
 
__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1513  
Old 21-06-2018, 06:45 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 8,750
Default

A Muslim cleric once stated that women shouldn't be allowed to watch men's football games.
Y'know, just sometimes they get it fucking spot on.

............

I was at a BBQ the other night and I made some really nice sausages.
I asked my mate if he wanted one.
He said " No thanks mate, I'm Jewish."
"Don't worry," I replied, "they're free."

............

My dad said you should always be up front with everyone .
Great bloke shit goalkeeper!

............

My Wife got injured during a football match yesterday.
She tried turning the world cup over.

............

Good news if you're considering assisted suicide;
You don't need to go to Switzerland, just book yourself into Gosport Hospital.

............

England Versus Panama is live on the BBC on Sunday.
I wonder what they will be showing at the same time in Scotland and Wales, Wish You Were Here?

.............

What's the difference between Dr. Jane Barton and the Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt?
Barton actually did something about the NHS waiting lists.

.............

Love Island Star Sophie Gradon Found Dead
Her Intelligence Levels Remain The Same As The Average Viewer.

.............

"Big fish, little fish, cardboard box"
I fucking hate doing stock-takes for Birds Eye.....

.............

Jokes about school shootings aren't funny. Seriously, my brother died in one. I even remember his last words.
"You'll never take me alive, pigs!"

.............

Went to a curry house in Liverpool and ordered a chicken tikka mo salah

.............

My dad got a selfie stick for his phone.
He can now hold it far enough away to read text messages.

.............

How do you recognise Indian pirates?
Their flag - The Jolly Rajah.

.............

My American Indian neighbor phoned me: "The smoke signals from your bbq are really funny"
"What do they say?"
"The meat is burning"

............

I don't know what's sadder.
The number of people having to send posthumous Father's Day messages on Facebook or the number of people who believe in an afterlife.
Especially an afterlife that's got internet access.

............

Is a dolphin just a gay shark?

............



............
Attached Images
 
__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1514  
Old 22-06-2018, 05:15 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 8,750
Default

I haven't seen Argentina defend this badly since the Falklands in 1982.

............

Like many people, I had no idea what to do after I left school.
But after thinking about it for a while, I decided to go home.

............

I can't see why female linesman and referees could be any worse than the idiots we have now.
I mean, if there is something women are good at, it is pointing out mistakes made by men.

...........

I was in blissful heaven walking through endless meadows of wildflowers with my beautiful girlfriend ...
Then the L.S.D wore off and I realised ,
I was chained to lampost dressed as a pirate and dragging a popped blow up doll around in circles in asda carpark .

...........

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

...........

After losing 3-0 to Croatia in the World Cup, reporters said Argentinians are at their lowest point since 1974.
I think they've forgotten about the General Belgrano in 1982.

...........

I’m a bit of a drifter .....
Can’t complain too much though, most of the other passengers drowned.

...........

Breaking News:
Melania Trump visits food bank wearing "Let them eat cake" top.

...........

My wife bought a catsuit the other day.
Cat looks a right twat in it.

...........

A little lad was sat on his garden wall whistling away and swinging his feet to his hearts content wearing his dads welding mask, gauntlets and leather apron when....
Alongside pulls up the local pervert in his car..
"Excuse me" say's the perv..." But would you like to see some puppies" ?
"Fucking yeah" say's the little lad and gets into the car...
Once into the car the perv asks him..."So little man, what do you know about cock sucking and pornography"?
The little lad replies "Now't, I'm not a proper fucking welder" !

............

"Every dog has its day!".
At our local Korean restaurant, it's Thursday.

............

My dog looked really bored this morning so I thought I'd borrow next door's bitch to liven him up with some sex action.
To be honest, he didn't seem that bothered until I offered him a go.

............

I saw a homeless man with a 3 legged dog next to a sign: "Help, I'm starving."
He can't be that hungry, he hasn't even finished his dog.

............

God noticed His tortoise trying to make an escape from The Garden Of Eden.
"Not so fast," He shouted, unaware of how strong his magic had become.

............

People used to believe in multiple Gods.
Now they believe in one God.
They're getting closer to the actual number all the time.

............

About 50% of analysis is anal.

............

Some people need a religion. They need something they can always turn to for answers.
I just use Google.

............

What's the height of conceit ?
Faking an orgasm while having a wank !

............

Dear Deidre,

The other day standing by my bedroom window, I saw my neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless in the garden. As I was knocking one out, I turned to notice my Wife standing there, arms crossed and staring at me......Is she a pervert?

............



............
Attached Images
 
__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1515  
Old 23-06-2018, 06:48 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 8,750
Default

With petrol prices now at £1.30 a litre, it's actually cheaper to buy cocaine and run everywhere instead.

...........

A lot of Americans don't believe in evolution
To be fair, it didn't happen to them.

...........

Most serial killers are men.
That's because women like to kill one man slowly over many many years.

...........

I watched a documentary on cannabis last night
It was very enjoyable. I think I am going to watch all documentaries like that in future.

...........

Tens of thousands march through London protesting Brexit:
What a great idea!
If England lose to Panama, let's march in protest and demand FIFA replay the game.

..........

Did you hear about the guitarist who locked the keys in his car?
They had to break a window to let the drummer out.

..........

You know you’re unfit when the security guard catches you before you reach the exit.

..........

I've just read that the pollen count is exceptionally high this year. That would explain why my 14 year old son is getting through so many boxes of tissues, poor little mite.

..........

How can you tell if somebody was on the protest march against Brexit?
Don't worry, they'll fucking tell you.

..........

93% of dog owners say their dog has made them a better person in at least one way, a study found.
This same study found that 99% of cat owners say they feel their cat has told them to fuck off, at least once, this week.

..........

I may have to kill my doctor. I'm pretty sure that anal thermometers should not have a pulse....

..........

My doctor advised me to exercise three times a week to get my heart pumping and my pulse racing.
I've decided to start shoplifting.

..........

I went down the local green grocer's today and asked for three pounds of Potatoes.
The guy shook his head "Its kilo's nowadays mate"
"Oh, Three pounds of Kilos then please"

..........

This really fit blonde moved in next door last week so was compelled to introduce myself and ask her out, but she just called me a creepy cunt and stormed off.
I don't know why though, I was nothing but nice.
I even told her I loved the way her hair smelled when she's sleeping

.........

I read that eating bananas makes your spunk taste nicer, so I've been eating about 20 every day.
There's been a real improvement in the customer feedback reviews at the Burger King where I work.

.........

Israelis and Palestinians could be prevented from encroaching each others territories if someone were to build a wall out of pork between them.

.........



.........
Attached Images
 
__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1516  
Old 24-06-2018, 06:24 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 8,750
Default

I'm so grateful to all those soldiers who fought and died in all those wars
All to preserve the freedom of some skank on Facebook to say 'All men are wankers'.

...........

"He used me for sex"
No, you used sex to get something else out of him and it didn't work.

...........

I was in Morisson's this morning and there was a foreign couple in front of me. I heard the cashier ask if they would like help packing their bags, and my first impression was, "Fuck me, this Brexit is having a bigger impact than I first thought".

...........

I was having a piss in urinal at the pub, and a midget was pissing in the one next to me
I noticed that he kept winking at me
I said "what's up with you pal are you gay or something?"
He replied "no I'm not, your piss just keeps splashing in my eyes "

...........

On the immigration debate, Donald Trump said of other countries: "They're not sending us their best people."
On a side note, Mary Anne MacLeod illegally migrated to the US in 1929. A few years later she gave birth to Donald Trump.

...........

Humpty Dumpty sat on a rock.
Little Bo Peep was sucking his cock.
As soon as he came she started to weep.
She knew by the taste he'd been fucking her sheep.

...........

I got an internet advert asking if I wanted to improve my sex life, so I answered all the questions and waited for the advice. It was a short answer.
Change hands.

...........

My bookworm son told me that "Beetles, crocodiles and alligators are technically all dinosaurs."
I replied, "Well, the surviving Beatles are certainly dinosaurs."

............

A man has been arrested in Greenwich after his wife's body was found buried in the back garden.
In his defence, he claimed the evidence was a plant.

............

"Now if you'd like to drop your pants and trousers and bend over the table there, I'm just going to examine your prostate."
"Well okay if you like, but I really came here about my dog," I told the vet.

............

We can’t have the Germans going out in the group stage, the last time it happened it was 1938, to say they took it badly was an understatement.

............

I find it offensive when cashiers look at money like it's fake.
If I knew how to counterfeit money I'd be doing wilder shit than coming to Starbucks.

............

I'm a sex addict but fortunately I have a wife who is helping to wean me off it.

...........

I'm at that age where the most enjoyable part of sex is the wonderful sleep you get just afterwards.

...........

The year 2035, The first manned mission to Mars has just touched down, the astronaut opens the door and puts his foot down on to martian soil. Suddenly, he receives a text message........
There are Hot local girls online in your area looking for sex "

...........



...........
Attached Images
 
__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1517  
Old 25-06-2018, 05:27 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 8,750
Default

Saudi Arabia have just launched an online advert for mass recruitment of clutch replacement specialists.

............

I planted Emo grass in my lawn....
It cuts it's self.

............

If Rene Descartes had been born in Nigeria
Would he have said "I think therefore I scam" .

............

My girlfriend broke up with me today because she say's I'm crazy.
I'm starting to regret all the effort I put into protecting her from the king of the potato people.

............

"Durham police chief calls for legalisation of cannabis in UK"
The magistrate said he agreed in principle, but he still had to enter a plea.

............

According to the maths teacher, I'm morally incorrect to help with my son's homework.
Apparently 5 x 12 is not "ya mum's order from the Chinese"

............

Don’t spend two quid to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it and put it on a hanger, next morning buy it back for seventy five pence.

............

My Mum is disgusted I am wasting my life spending all day watching porn.
What does she know? I am now fluent in five European languages.

............

When I was a kid I used to hide behind the sofa when Doctor Who was on.
I still do, although these days it's because I don't want my wife to see I'm wanking over Jodie Whittaker.

............

I've been registered as blind.
I can see perfectly but my wife came with me to the appointment and the doctor just put two and two together.

............

I like to call my wife's pussy 'the Tardis'.
It's not massive inside. It's just that 12 doctors and a dog have been in it.

............

Doctors say each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.
Based on that math I should have died in 1732.

............

My Doctor says that I'm really sick.
Well, that's the last time I'm lending him a porno.

............

One time a policewoman took my DNA.
You can't beat a swallower.

............

A new study has revealed that women with big bums live longer than men who mention it.

............

Even at 86, my grandad likes to get an adrenalin rush by taking on dangerous challenges.
Last night, he had a glass of water before bed.

............

I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

...........



...........
Attached Images
 
__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1518  
Old 26-06-2018, 07:00 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 8,750
Default

After watching Iran, Morocco, Saudi Arabia, Egypt and Tunisia crash out of the World Cup, I'm beginning to think FIFA stands for Football Isn't For Arabs.

...........

Pretend you're footballing superstar Ronaldo by peeling onions for ninety minutes and falling all over the place if the cat brushes it's tail against your leg.

...........

I accidentally threw the dog’s ball off a cliff.
Ah well wont be needing it again anyway .

...........

Dani dyer who is the daughter of east end cockney Danny Dyer has got with a bloke called Jack on Love Island.
We now have Jack and Dani.
Sometimes folks this stuff just writes itself.

...........

I went to pick up the results for my priest exam today.
The Cardinal said to me "Why didn't you answer the question:
What should you do if you see a choir boy being sexually abused by a member of the church."
I said " I didn't see it."
"Is the correct answer." he replied.

...........

I just had a bake sale.
Hotcakes didn't sell as well as we'd been told they would.

..........

It's the KKK coffee morning tomorrow and I have been asked to bake the cakes.
So I have decided to bake some brownies.

..........

I signed up to a 'Pro-Life' bake sale today.
I'm selling cupcakes of uncooked batter insisting they are actually cupcakes.

..........

Confucius say 'Man who squirts cream into a tart isn’t necessarily a baker...'

..........

Me...."I just bought Tupacs of Eminems for 50 cents"...
Wife.... "That's Ludacris, how Kanye West your money like that?"

..........

The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

..........

My three year old son fell over in the park today and grazed his knee.
He was howling in pain, holding his leg, rolling around and crying.
I never saw a particularly bright future for him, but after that performance, I reckon he'd make a great premiership footballer.

..........

To all the people who said that I'd never be able to write a joke about Bukkake: hah, in your face!

..........

Men! There's only one shopping day left before Christmas ...
It'll be on 24th December.

..........



..........

10 mins after attempting to build an IKEA wardrobe.....
Attached Images
 
__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1519  
Old 27-06-2018, 06:01 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 8,750
Default

I was in the park at lunchtime, sat down enjoying a nice juicy hamburger.
A little old lady with a dog sat next to me and the dog was constantly yapping and begging for some of my burger.
I asked the little old lady "Do you mind if I throw him a bit"?
She replied "Of course not"
So I picked the little fucker up and hurled it into the duck pond.

.............

"Spend an hour a day on the treadmill," said the doctor. "You can even watch tv whilst you do it."
So, I'm laying here thinking, "This isn't very fucking comfortable."

.............

The T in T-Rex stands for Thalidomide because of their funny little arms.

.............

Did you hear about the dyslexic suicide bomber?
When he got to paradise he was greeted by seventy two vegans.

.............

Unfortunately tonight's Self Harmers Anonymous group has been cancelled due to staff cuts.

.............

Unfortunately tonight's Self Harmers Anonymous group has been cancelled due to staff cuts.

.............

Posh, Ginger, Scary Baby...
It's nothing to do with the Spice Girls.
It's what will happen when Meghan and Harry have a kid.

.............

See Shakespeare wrote a play ‘Much Ado About Nothing’.
He’d obviously met my wife complaining about a toilet seat being left up.

.............

I dropped my guts earlier .....
Stepped on a fuckin’ landmine!

.............

My wife said that I'm hopeless at mending electrical appliances.
Well, she's in for a shock.

.............

The Germans are out of the world cup
Don’t mention the VAR

.............

A survey said people that sleep with thier pets get less allergies also it helps the immune system and they can live longer..
Bullshit I tried sleeping with my goldfish I nearly fucking drowned

.............

My wife has just left me saying that I was “useless in the trouser department “
This was quite ironic because it was the same day that I was sacked from Burtons menswear.

............

My old dad often used to say, “Son, try to end each day with a smile”
Great advice.
South Korea 2 - 0 Germany

............

Germany
Not the first time they have been humiliated in Russia.

............

Last time Germany got knocked out of the World Cup in the group stages was in 1938 and we all know how well they took that...

............

I just saw a pensioner do a tribute to the German football team.
She got off the bus, looked a bit confused and lost, then got back on the bus and went home.

...........

A friend of mine on Facebook posted this on her newsfeed
'Do something today that your future self will thank you for'
I unfriended the twat

...........

My ex is threatening to post full frontal nude photographs of me. I'm not worried. I've seen them and you can barely make out my cock

...........

A woman stopped me and asked why I was wearing sunglasses.
"I'm blind" I replied
"Oh, I see" She said
"Fuck off, don't rub it in"

...........

Got talking to a Chinese girl at Uni the other day, she was saying how almost every single piece of clothing she owns was hand-made by her own grandmother.
She didn't laugh when I said that she'd probably made a fair few of mine too.

...........

Anyone who doesn't believe a zombie apocalypse could really happen has never been to the all you can eat buffet at my local Chinese restaurant.

...........

A recent study has found a direct link between a man's penis size and his mathematical ability.
Apparently 70% of men compensate for their small penises by excelling at maths, while the remaining 45% make up for their lack of mathematical skills with their 12 inch penises.

...........



...........
Attached Images
 
__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1520  
Old 28-06-2018, 05:29 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 8,750
Default

Macron to bring back National Service.
How hard can waving a white flag be?

...........

Good news on the beer shortage. There’s plenty of stock in Germany no longer needed. Get it on the trucks lads.

...........

If women think all men are the same, why do they take so long to choose one?

...........

France is the only African team to make it through to the second round.

...........

You know the voices in my head are ok I can deal with them .
It’s the voices outside my head that bother me and fuck my life up.

...........

Weeping and wailing:
Germany hasn't seen this much emotional devastation since Bomber Command flew over Dresden.

...........

Raised hundreds of pounds at my bronchitis support charity event last night.
Everyone coughed up.

...........

The young football team who are trapped in a cave in Thailand are now all feared dead.
But on the bright side, they are now 34 places above Scotland in the FIFA world rankings.

...........

I was chatting up a nurse "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
"Unfertilised" she giggled then handed me the results of my sperm count.

...........

There's a picture of a Geep, a rare crossbreed animal that results from a sheep mating with a goat.
Big deal. I once saw a Shelshman.

...........

'Politics' is an anagram of 'colpitis', an illness that results in inflammation of the vagina.
Explains why most MPs are irritating twats.

...........

My girlfriend said I never have anything positive to say.
That's when I told her the results from the sexual health clinic check-up.

...........

A man goes to the doctor to get some test results back.
The doctor says to him, "Well sir, I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?"
The man asks for the good news first so the doctor frowns and says, "The good news is we're naming it after you."

...........

There was one major deficiency in the German camp.
Concentration.

...........

I sent my wife Katie an anniversary card. It read: "To my Katty,
I want to fill you in the way you filled my soul."
Fucking Funky Pigeon, they got the Ks and the Fs mixed up.

...........

A good name for anti virus software would be 'Condom'
As it affects performance you don't really see the need for it, until it's too late and your either riddled with shit, or someone is taking all your money.

...........

I knocked on a door in a hospital. When a woman opened it, I said, "Are you the lady who gives advice on getting pregnant?"
She said, "Yes, come inside..." and then shut the door again.

...........

Women: If you tell a man to get a grip remember to be specific.

...........

Hobbling out of Pizza Hut, I realised that the 11" Italian for £5 was NOT as expected.

...........

Beyonce has just discovered that Roy Castle was really her father.
Can't see her taking his surname somehow.

...........



...........
Attached Images
 
__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1521  
Old 29-06-2018, 05:30 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 8,750
Default

When will someone tell Gareth Southgate he’s at a football match .... not a wedding reception.

............

Common sense is like aids
Some are born with it....
Some have to have it pounded into them .

............

I was up on Saddleworth Moor with a red Indian pal of mine,
"Fuck me, look at that, " I said,
"Yeah, " he replied, "what a fucking great book. "

............

Ronseal... "Does exactly what it says on the tin"
Funny, I can't seem to find where it says ruins your best fucking jeans...

............

I had to take my son to the doctors the other day. Every time he coughed, he put his right hand in the air and said “Seig Heil”!
The doctor reckons it’s nothing to worry about, just a Nazi cough.

............

I went into Waterstone's earlier and bought a book.
As I was leaving the assistant shouted, "Don't forget your receipt, Sir!"
I replied, "Uh, I'm pretty sure it'll work."

............

What’s the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and accesses your data, the other is a hardware standard.

............

I don't get it, there's been a shooting at a newspaper office but it says he went through 2 magazines?

............

Any mention of rohypnol gives me flashbacks of the worst night of my life.
I spiked a fat bird and put my back out trying to get her in the car.

............

It's all fun and games until Grandpa has a flashback during Battleship.

...........

Sleepless nights, cold sweats, panic attacks and flashbacks are destroying my life ever since my accident.......
or wedding as some call it.

...........



...........
Attached Images
 
__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1522  
Old 30-06-2018, 06:26 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 8,750
Default

Diane Abbott has been asked what she thinks of VAR?.
She said Labour will keep it at 12.5%.

...........

'I went to a fortune teller. She looked at my hands and said, 'Your future looks pretty black.'
I said, 'I've still got my gloves on.'

...........

This morning I made my hamster an extra strong espresso coffee and crushed some caffeine pills up in his food ...
I'd hate for him to fall asleep at the wheel.

...........

Really pleased to get lottery funding for a garden project that is aimed at refugees and transexuals with mental health issues who can't work.
I realised you have to be smart with the application to get a grant, so that's why I dressed it up a bit and put garden, not mass grave.

...........

Argentina sunk by 4 French exocet missiles.

...........

A massive shark has been seen off the coast of the Isle of Man.
Yeah, it’ll be the fucking tax man lamenting lost revenue.

...........

I went to the bank today to ask for a loan.
"What do you need the money for sir"
"It's for a car"
"Oh nice what are you getting"
"Just some unleaded"

...........

Don't cry 4-3 Argentina

...........

I made love to a woman against her will last night.
I have a fetish for legal documents.

...........

"So how long are you in for? " I asked my cell mate.
"Only for a couple of minutes, then I'm usually done" he replied as he carried on thrusting.

...........

Lying next to the girlfriend after sex, I said, "I think I would be good in a porn film."
Without a second thought, she said, "There is already a film called Gone in Sixty Seconds..."

...........

Please take care and look out for your elderly relatives during this unusually hot weather.
My 93 year old grandma nearly succumbed to heatstroke today, only being saved by a vigilant healthcare visitor.
She unbuttoned the old cunt's cardigan and turned her fire down.

...........

I said, "My, what big eyes you have!"
Followed by, "My, what big hands you have!"
And then, "My, what big teeth you have!"
My charity gig for Children with Disabilities did not start out well.

...........

My wife caught me wanking.
She said, "You make me feel sick."
I said, "The alternative is for us to have sex."
She said, "Sorry to disturb you, carry on."

...........

Just burned 2,000 calories.
That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

...........

I feel sorry for Jesus.
He spent most of his life trying to do good deeds, yet more people celebrate his death than Hitler's.

...........



...........
Attached Images
 
__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1523  
Old 01-07-2018, 05:15 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 8,750
Default

"Online dating has never worked out for me. I always attract weirdos who end up in jail," said Lucy Smith, aged 12.

............

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot.

............

Portugal have a new captain
His name is Pedro and he’ll be flying the team home.

............

I saw a brilliant nigerian scifi page on the web last night ...
How to get your own robot name.
you input all the numbers on your credit card, the expiry date and the last 3 digits on the back .
Then it randomly generates it for you mine's ...
1D10T

............

Good news for Scotland.
You're as good as Germany, Argentina and Portugal.

............

Following the recent mass immigration into the country, the German national anthem has been rewritten.
It now goes; "Deutschland, Deutschland, Unter Allah..."

............

"Lewis Hamilton makes singing debut on Christina Aguilera's latest album"
Nobody is bothered about that. All eyes are on next week's big race when she makes her Formula One debut driving his car.

............

During this heatwave please remember to dress for the body you have, not the body you wish you had.

............

If I had a pound for every time I've used algebra in my life
I'd have n pounds.

............

I walked through the door and said to the guy at the desk, "I've come about the undertakers job."
He said, "Right, ok. Have you any experience dealing with the dead?"
I said, "Yeah, I've been sleeping with my wife for 15 years."

............

Wife: 'signing divorce papers' I’m sorry I ever married you.
Me: Apology accepted.

............



............
Attached Images
 
__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1524  
Old 02-07-2018, 05:54 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 8,750
Default

What's the best part of having a prostitute die on you?
The second hour is free.

............

I banged on my neighbours door and said, “Your cat has just urinated all over my rhubarb!”
He said, “Sorry, to hear that. Is it bad?”
“I’ll bloody say!” I huffed, “I was eating it with custard at the time.”

............

If any of the toys in "Toy Story" died.
Andy wouldn't know and he'd carry on playing with it's corpse.

............

Dear optimist and pessimist,while you two cunts were arguing about the half full or half empty glass.
I drank the contents.

Yours sincerely
An opportunist.

............

World Cup penalties:
There're more grass burns on David de Gea's arse than Saddleworth Moors.

............

One time my wife says to me "What are you doing?" I said "Farting in the container before putting on the lid, It's hilarious!" She says..."Get the hell out of my moms casket!"

............

Astrology: because millions of planets and stars have spent billions of years lining themselves up just to let her know that she'll "meet someone with nice eyes today."

............

When I first got my girlfriend to nosh me off, I didn't tell her when I was about to come as I didn't think it was a big deal.
In fact, I was surprised that she brought it up afterwards.

............

An injured Andy Murray is emotionally devastated and on suicide watch:
Nice to hear he sounds more joyful than usual.

............

When I do something wrong. I hate it when people ask me, "What were you thinking?!"
Obviously I was thinking I will get away with it and not have to explain.

............

BBC "Celebrities celebrate NHS at 70"
Surely if they want some Z class celeb to really experience the NHS at 70, they should leave them for 16 hours perched on a trolley outside the A & E department in Wigan hospital?

...........

"Storms for Devon and Cornwall as mercury soars over 30C"
Mercury is never less than 300 degrees, you fucking idiot. It's a lot closer to the Sun than us.

...........

I like to call my penis The Kraken.
It sneaks up on unsuspecting sailors at night.

...........

My penis is so polite, it stands up so girls have a place to sit down.

...........

Have you heard about the new American radio station called WPMS?
Each month, they play two weeks of love songs, one week of blues, one week of ragtime and two days of death metal

...........

How does shit even come in contact with a fan in the first place!?
Where the fuck are you people pooping!?

...........



...........
Attached Images
 
__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1525  
Old 03-07-2018, 07:23 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 8,750
Default

Due to the water shortage in Ireland, Dublin Swimming Baths have announced that they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

............

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

...........

Little known facts on England footballer Danny Welbeck, his father was in the bomb disposal unit ... he was called Stan

...........

I can't help but think those Samaritan ads that are on the back of some buses would be much more effective on the front.

...........

A mate of mine has been diagnosed with Chiari Malformation; that is, part of his brain is too large and presses on the inside of the skull.
He was facing invasive and risky surgery, but I got him a subscription to the Daily Mail and his brain shrank in no time.

...........

Was there anything before the Big Bang?
Yes ... a little girl getting on an inflatable trampoline.

...........

I see after his latest comments on the split of Cheryl and Liam the Daily Mail has referred to Piers Morgan as a "journalist."
In much the same was as they referred to Fred West as a "keen amateur gardener and patio enthusiast."

...........

The young Thai footballers have been told they will need to learn to dive in order to escape from the caves.
Neymar said he will be on his way to teach them as soon as Brazil get knocked out of the World Cup.

...........

Remember the old days when you had to get up and walk across the room to switch over the telly channel?
Nowadays all you have to do is run round the house for half an hour shouting, "Where's the fucking remote gone?!"

...........

12 Thai boys and their teacher lost in caves for 10 days found alive & well.
Everyone is reportedly overjoyed at the news, except their teacher Mr G Glitter, who is devastated.

...........

Just heard a woman on the radio saying her aim to lose weight is so she can fit into her wardrobe.
"Jesus Christ, how fat must she be?!" I thought.

...........

My demented grandma found a dead bee in her dinner. It's then I had to remind her none of the alphabet spaghetti was alive.

...........

Police in Birmingham have discovered a shop where Muslim extremists are hiding explosives in cans of alphabeti spaghetti.
A spokesman said if one of them had gone off it could've spelt Disaster...

...........

Remember, after this game is over, they'll still be finding Japanese players who refused to hear the final whistle for the NEXT THIRTY YEARS.

...........



...........

Now Harley-Davidson are moving production offshore....
Attached Images
 
__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1526  
Old 04-07-2018, 06:47 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 8,750
Default

My wife says she wants a car that gets her from A to B...
...I'm up for anything that makes her tits bigger.

............

Did you know you are supposed to pull anal beads out slowly?
I didn't...
I started the wife up like a fucking chainsaw.....

.............

RAHEEM STERLING: Wish the Colombian players well before they leave. In fact, show them your lovely tattoo to remind them of home.

.............

You can't get quicker than a Kwik Fit fitter.
Which is great because, when looking for crucial repairs and modifications on a vehicle to which I entrust my life daily, I'd definitely take speed over quality every time.

.............

I asked a mate what he thought about England
“Well the big one up front next to the little black one are prominent, a little bit mixed up in the middle, but I think the back four are a bit green”
“Fuck off “ I said “Your talking about Southgates teeth”

.............

Breaking news.

Football manager Steve Bruce has offered the 12 young Thai footballers a trial at Aston Villa.
One kid quickly replied:
"Fuck off, It's bad enough being buried alive."

.............

My girlfriend told me that she slept with 5 people before we met.
I usually wouldn't mind but I was only 20 minutes late!

.............

I visited America last month and decided to soak up some of the culture.
A shop keeper said "Have a nice day!"
I didn't.
So I sued him.

.............

Why don't the Brits don't celebrate the 4th of July? Surely 242 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.

.............

Spent an afternoon in bed with my wife watching the women's tennis action at Wimbledon.
She commented that there was a huge gap between the women's number 1 and the women's number 2.
Which kind of ruins my normal excuse of claiming it slipped in by accident.

............

Once again the time has come for 200 men to strap on some lycra and cycle thousands of miles through beautiful French countryside, up mountains and through the streets of Paris so we can find out who is this year's best drug dealer.

............

Happy Independence Day America!
Or, as it is known in Britain: "The day we decided that we'd rather keep India..."

............

Next time you're having an argument with your dad and you're losing, tell him that you've been further inside your mother and made her scream louder than he ever has.

............

My son said "Tell me about the time you fell in love with mom"
I said, "I was 22, I walked into a bar and spotted the most gorgeous blonde I'd ever seen. Cupid fired his arrow the second I saw her."
He said, "So what happened?"
"Nothing. The arrow missed and hit your Mother."

............

They told me straight away at the interview that I wasn't suitable for the job.
"You haven't had any experience in the restaurant business as a Sous Chef, have you?" they said.
"How could you tell?" I asked.
"Well," came the reply, "the eagle feathers and warpaint."

............

My son asked me for homework help to describe the difference between 'being' & 'doing'
I looked up from the tennis & said "Look at Maria Sharapova. Most women wouldn't mind being her, whereas most blokes wouldn't mind doing her"

............



............
Attached Images
 
__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1527  
Old 05-07-2018, 06:31 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 8,750
Default

John F Kennedy, Indira Gandhi, John Lennon.
History shows us that if you don't want your child assassinated, don't name them after a fucking airport.

............

A snail went to the police station to report that he had been mugged.
He said "Ive been robbed by two tortoises"
The desk officer said "can you describe the incident"
The snail replied "no not really it all happened so fast "

............

NOTE: In this hot weather, don’t leave your dog in the back your car.
..... Unless you’re a Korean making a casserole.

............

My grandmother was interviewed by Holly and Phil today in relation to the nhs’ 70th birthday, she has been involved in the nhs since the beginning.
She’s been on a trolley in the corridor of the royal Manchester since 1948.

............

Wimbledon authorities are complaining that FIFA have arranged the World Cup final to start at the same time as the final of the men's singles.
This is a bit like a band from Peckham complaining Bruce Springsteen has arranged a concert at Wembley Stadium at the same time they're playing at the back of a local pub.

............

I witnessed a Police arrest earlier. A member of the local travelling community had dressed as a soldier and was collecting door to door for Help For Heroes.
As the policeman asked his name I couldn't resist shouting.." Don't tell him, Pikey"

.............

A Day in the Diary of a BMW Driver
"The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars. First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn. Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph! Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way. Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car. Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my driver’s licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me! See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW! "

............

I've just been in a car accident with an ice cream truck.
I'm claiming for Mr. Whippylash!

............

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: A female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

............

My parents must love me. They bought me a ticket to Switzerland to go to this really cool festival for young gay gingers call Youthanasia.

............

I said to my mate, "If you keep smoking like that you'll be dead soon".
He said, "Smoking like what?"
I said, "The way you're holding it: you look Gay. This is a rough area."

............



............
Attached Images
 
__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1528  
Old 06-07-2018, 05:47 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 8,750
Default

Britain should be divided into these two categories:
1) People who watch The X Factor, watch Love Island or read The Sun.
2) People who are allowed to vote

............

I can't wait for my Thai bride to arrive in the UK. She has an amazing sense of humour. I asked her to send me a nude pic and she only went and photoshopped a massive dick between her legs haha what a girl she is lol.

............

You know when I was growing up I thought modern medicine would have cured everything.
I still can’t believe it’s nearly 1993 and they haven’t found a cure for alzheimer’s.

.............

Me: "What are you doing in the other room?"
Wife: "Watching Love Island, what are you doing?"
Me: "Just checking today's jokes"
Wife"You sad bastard !"

.............

Air New Zealand has caused controversy by altering its menu to serve business class flyers a vegan burger.
Personally I don't see what the fuss is about as long as the vegans were humanely killed!

.............

We were just about to have our daughter christened when the vicar approached my wife and myself,
"I'm sorry, but I just need to be sure about this, "he said, " are you sure you want to name your daughter Jenny Mr Talia? "

.............

As Neymar went down like a sack of potatoes and rolled around in agony the referee immediately approached Eden Hazard the Belgium captain and showed him the yellow card.
"For fucks sake ref, " said Eden, "I only shook his hand, we haven't kicked off yet. "

..............

My wife looked out of the window and said, "It's not going to stop, is it?"
"Of course it fucking isn't", I shouted, "You didn't put the handbrake on!"

..............

Brazil are playing their quarter final later on today....... and I'm betting Neymar is ready to roll....

..............

As a fun gesture, and to keep the country interested, Brazil’s ‘banco de Brazil’ one of the country’s largest banks, yesterday temporarily renamed itself ‘Bank of Neymar jnr “.
It collapsed this morning.

..............

What's the difference between children and logic?
Women never use logic as a weapon.

..............

I hope Suarez doesn’t pick up Neymars habit of rolling around the pitch if tackled....
With them fucking teeth he’d leave plough lines.

..............

I had a stand up gig in an old folks home last night.
No one laughed, but they all pissed themselves.

..............

My mate said "I've heard that everybody down the pub last night was saying you're fucking my wife. Is this true?"
"I don't know" I replied "I wasn't down the pub last night."

..............

Wet Dreams: Handjobs from God.

..............

My wife is trying to lose weight. She said she wants to have sex five times a week to burn calories. I told her to put me down for two.

..............

My mate didn't believe me when I said I could do a cartwheel.
He said "Prove it."
So I showed him the splinters on my cock.

..............

Ever since my wife left me for being an alcoholic, I can't stop drinking about her.

..............

When asked how far down are the Thai football team, a rescue diver replied "quite a way, but I think they will finish above Sunderland."

.............



.............
Attached Images
 
__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1529  
Old 07-07-2018, 06:36 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 8,750
Default

Your Server just blocked my IP address? Have to reload all todays jokes over again.....
__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1530  
Old 08-07-2018, 06:46 AM
Friar Tuck's Avatar
Friar Tuck Friar Tuck is offline
Super Moderator
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Brothertoft, Lincolngrad!
Posts: 12,583
Default

Is it ok now?
__________________
Does my belly look big in this?
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:20 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.