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  #1591  
Old 09-09-2018, 04:49 PM
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Is it me or is June in the new sun life advert really looking forward to her own funeral.

...............

I'm watching celebrity big brother and thinking where is a suicide bomber when you need one.

...............

Now that I'm in my forties, I have to face the fact that sixteen-year-old girls just don't want to have sex with me.
For me it's just like being sixteen again.

...............

I used to be very naive sexually. My first girlfriend asked me to do missionary and I fucked off to Africa for six months.

...............

You know you’re a ginger kid, when you have to give the peadophile sweets to touch you.......

...............

My wife threatened to leave me due to my sexual fetishes.
I said "fine, just slam the door on my cock on your way out".

...............

Dear Britain,
If you go, that's it! We don't want any drunken phone calls in the middle of the night a few months later, telling us what a huge mistake it was to leave.
Regards, The EU.

...............

Q. whats the difference between a small yacht and Boris Johnson's cock.
A. A small yacht has still got the chance of entering a Marina.

...............

According to a 2007 study, 76% of Americans can't point out France on a map of Europe.
What's new? It was the same in 1939.

...............

Scientists have discovered the best method to determine whether or not someone has the intellectual capacity to make their own choices
If they put spaghetti hoops on a full English breakfast, they don't.

...............

The difference in the cultures between Glasgow and Edinburgh in Scotland.
If you see a bloke walking down the street in Edinburgh carrying a golf club, It's a pretty good chance he's off to play golf.

...............

"Cum" is such an ugly word.
I prefer Crème du Pénis.

...............
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  #1592  
Old 10-09-2018, 05:33 PM
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One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

...........

Two blokes chatting in hospital first one says "I'm in for an endoscopy, they are going to see whats going on down my throat , "what you in for ".
Second guy says " oh camera up the arse ".
The other guy says " colonoscopy its called ".
The other guy replies "nah mate camera up the arse, the wife caught me taking pictures of the neighbour's tits "

...........

Hidden Britain by Drone.
I know Tony Robinson hasn't got the most inspiring vocal delivery but that's a harsh title.

...........

New health food restaurant just opened in Glasgow.
"I Can't Believe It's Not Battered"

...........

Tomorrow we are reminded of a terrible tragedy in American history. The thick fuckers say their days and months the wrong way around.

..........

Apparently anti-mosquito sprays cause hallucinations?
I didn't believe it at first until a mosquito told me about it.

..........

Manchester United have an under-18 academy player named Di'Shon.
He's mustard.

..........

Teresa May is reportedly having to cope with a catastrophic split.
Serves her right for trying to dance like a Zulu warrior at her age.

..........

I went to the Jobcentre to see if they had anything for me
The advisor said "There's a position in Data Entry available"
"Sorry,but I can't use a computer"
"You can't use a computer? In this day and age? Do you have learning difficulties?"
"No, it's one of my bail conditions"

..........
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  #1593  
Old 11-09-2018, 05:23 PM
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The singer Cliff Richard has been suffering from much online abuse since the court case
He’s got himself some spying, talking, tweeting, stalking, living trolls.

..........

How do you make a big apple crumble?
First, you'll need two planes..
Happy 9/11 people.

..........

I was in Glasgow last week and I passed a sign that said '' battered women's centre'' I though, Fuck me, these people will deep fry anything.

..........

"Muslims forced to drink alcohol and eat pork in China’s ‘re-education’ camps, former inmate claims"
Free beer and bacon butties?!?!
Fuck, someone get me a koran and plane ticket to China!!

..........

9/11 has come round again so quickly.
It feels like just yesterday it was the 10th of September, and now here we are, in November.

..........

I love getting compliments at work.
For example today I had a supplier call me and tell me my "payment was outstanding".
I felt great. (And to be honest, I don't even remember paying them.)

.........

Report: Police struggling in fight against victims of 'self-harm' due to cuts.

.........

On this day seventeen years ago, 2,606 went to work, 343 firefighters started their morning shift, 60 police officers started their patrol, and 8 paramedics their shifts, and they all got to finish work before 10 AM!

.........

What does the average Pakistani weigh...... sweets.

.........

What’s the difference between 11/9 and 9/11?
0.4040

.........

My local chippy has started using magazines instead of newspaper.
I'm eating them out of House and Home.

.........

Why are the twin towers and genders so similar?
Because there used to be 2 of them, but it's offensive to joke about that now.

.........

Prior to 9/11, I used to have body scans and genital fondlings performed by my doctor
Since 9/11 I have them done at airports.

.........
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  #1594  
Old 12-09-2018, 05:05 PM
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Theresa May awoke this morning to the sound of pigeons in the back yard of No. 10 going "coup, coup, coup."

............

I was walking through a field in Vietnam with my mate when I spotted a silver disc on the ground.
As I bent down down to pick it up, my mate stopped and shouted "Stop! That's a mine!"
I said "Bullshit. Finders keepers! Anyway why you suddenly talking like an Italian?"

............

Just saw a chap in Homebase shouting abuse at cans of adhesive.
Must be awful to be glue tin intolerant.

............

There was a security alert at Birmingham Airport today following the discovery of an unusual item in the baggage claim area.
It turned out to be a British passport.

............

A priest walks into a Glasgow cocktail bar and asks for a "Choir Boy"
"What is it?" asks the barman.
"It's a 10 year old Scotch with a bit of peach fuzz on the bottom"

............

Just remember, no matter how gorgeous she is...
Some bloke, somewhere is sick and tired of her shit.

............

What's the biggest difference between 9/11 and the Oklahoma City Bombing?
Foreigners once again prove they can do it better and more efficiently.

...........

Mo Farah's magnificent performance in the Great North Run has been described as the fastest run since Donald Trump received his draft papers for the Vietnam War.

...........

My girlfriend is either sleeping with an eczema sufferer behind my back or eating crossiants in bed.........

...........

My stoner friend used a page of my agenda notebook to roll up his joint.
He is now high on my list of priorities.

...........

Before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked...
"How old was your husband when he died?"
"He was 98" she replied. "2 years older than me"
"So you're 96" the undertaker commented.
"Yes" she responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

...........

My Doctor isn't happy with me.
He said that my asthma is getting worse and he wanted me to show him how I use my inhaler, so I did.
Apparently, using it before smoking marijuana to get more of a hit is not correct.

...........

A momentous and historic day in New York yesterday...someone ordered a salad in MacDonald's !

...........
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  #1595  
Old 13-09-2018, 05:46 PM
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My brother plays football for a team called the Musketeers.
They started the season well..with three wins and a draw..
all 4-1 and one 4-all....

............

I bought my new wife a full set of cookery DVDs for her birthday to help her learn to cook properly.
A month later she bought me a porn DVD for my birthday.

............

I went to a porn stars reunion today.
It was nice to come across old faces again.

............

My wife looked out of the window and said it's not going to stop is it?
"Of course it fucking isn't", I shouted, "You didn't put the handbrake on!"

............

My friend is half Indian.
Ian

............

Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other - two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what's 'penetrating gays'?
Me: Er... read me the whole sentence
Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze"
Me: Ohhhh rigghht!

............

Got a phone call at home last night from a police officer at the hospital .
He said "Sir I'm afraid your wife had been in a serious road traffic accident"
I said "Oh my god is she critical?"
He replied "She's not stopped fucking complaining since she got here "

.............

Apparently the small bumps around a woman's nipples are braille for the blind.
When read it says, 'Suck here'.

.............

Fuck me, just wasted £1100 on a romantic trip to Rome, who'd of thought the sightseeing capital of Europe was Salisbury.

.............

Last week was a bad one, my wife left me for my best mate, I lost my job and to top it off the doctor has diagnosed cancer.
At least I’ve a holiday booked to Florida, fly out tomorrow. Wish me luck.

.............

The Boxing board of control have issued the first licence to a diabetic.
Every bout he has will be a needle match.

.............

People with secret eczema...
appear as normal people...
but scratch the surface...

.............

I was telling Dave how my time machine experiment went drastically wrong when I went back in time & ended up inadvertently having sex with my own mother. "Oh shit, so you could be your own father then?" he asked
"Well not really, I only went back two days"

.............

I was walking through town today and a woman stopped me and said, "Hi, I'm from the spastics society and we're having a collection today. Could you help us?"
"I am sorry," I said, "I don't actually have any spastics!"
I've never been called a cunt by a charity worker before.

.............
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  #1596  
Old 14-09-2018, 04:00 PM
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A cub scout knocked on my door and said "give me 5 quid or I 'll tell my dad you touched my willy "
I didn't have any money so I thought well as you're going to tell him anyway.

...........

My wife is leaving me because of the way I treat her friends.
"You're not even a qualified Gynaecologist," she said.

...........

As we stood outside her front door, she kissed me and whispered, "Do you want to stay here tonight?"
"No," I replied, and went home.
Why would I want to stand outside her front door all fucking night?

...........

I was having an affair with my English teacher, but she dumped me after we had anal sex.
She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

...........

I was recently asked how successful I was when I used to be a professional musician. I said, “Well put it this way, I had a swimming pool built in the shape of a guitar...
amplifier”.

...........

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

...........

Belly button piercings aren't sexy.
Men think they are because it reminds them of a staple in a porn mag.

...........

I feel a bit grubby after watching 'Serial killer with Piers Morgan '.
What has the poor bastard done to deserve being with Piers Morgan?.

...........

Old Russian Proverb:
"Spire, spire, - pants on fire"

...........

I saw two guys facing off today, "Do you know who I am?" One asked..
To which the other guy replied, "No, Do you know who am?"
It's always a hoot visiting my grandad in the care home.

...........

The Skripals left their house at 0915 and were found frothing at the mouth after lunch at Zizzis restaurant.
Russian agents passed their house at 1148 and put Novichok on the doorknob.
The conclusion, according to MI5: the Russians must have developed a time machine.

...........

I always blow a whistle when ringing a call centre, just in case they want to use the recording for 'training porpoises'

...........

I was showing an American colleague who was over on a business conference the sights.
"Wow," he said. "I can't believe how small and compact everything is. Your cars, your buildings, your TV's, and even your food portions."
Then I introduced him to my wife. That shut him up.

...........

A Jewish man asks, “Rabbi, what should I do? My son has converted to Christianity”
“I don’t know,” answered the Rabbi. “Come back tomorrow, and I’ll ask advice from God”
The man comes back the next day.
“I can’t help you,” says the Rabbi. “God told me he has the same problem.”

..........

My friend told me that he was at the doctor the other day, and was diagnosed with 'sports induced asthma'.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

..........

Top tip. Never shout, "PUT IT DOWN!" If your dog picks something up at the vet's.

..........
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  #1597  
Old 15-09-2018, 06:11 PM
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AMERICANS, stop your house from being blown away by hurricane Florence by simply placing your 90 stone arse on top of the roof!

............

“£4 for a bucket of popcorn??? The last time I was at the cinema it was only 50 pence!”
“Oh, well, you’re in for a big treat, sir. They’ve added colour and sound to the pictures since then.”

............

I have just found a photo of myself in the days when I was a boxer.
If you turn it sideways it looks as if I'm standing up!

............

I can't understand when people say they could shit through the eye of a needle.
When I have airhead, I lack that kind of accuracy.

............

I'm not sure if my wife's doing yoga or trying to find the best position for shaving her arse.

............

I'm all for rehabilitation of offenders and I know that the NHS is strapped for cash but the sign I saw in the hospital car park was I thought taking things a bit far.
CAR THIEVES OPERATE HERE.

............

Hahaha Bisexual.... isn't it just gays getting it right occasionally?

............

If the B in LGTB stands for Bi doesn't that mean there are only two genders?

............

I saw a guy walking down the street with a black binbag in each hand.
I thought to myself his dog must be massive.

............

Set up a dial a prayer service for atheists. You ring up, nobody answers.

............

No matter how hard I try, I don't understand why people drop gum in urinals.
There's always still plenty of flavour left in them.

...........

My friend Paddy decided he needed a double barrelled name to enable him to climb up the social ladder.
Unfortunately Patrick Sawnoff-Shotgun wasn't a good choice.

...........

I won the award for laziest man alive last night.
I originally finished second but as I couldn't be arsed collecting my runners up trophy,
the voting panel were impressed and promoted me to champion.

...........

My wife has been going to the gym and she is starting to look that good that I've had to tell her sister that she'd better start to get herself in shape.

............
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  #1598  
Old 16-09-2018, 07:08 PM
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We were so poor growing up
For Christmas I'd have a pack of batteries with a label on it that said 'Toys not Included'

..............

In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth... After that, everything else was made in China.

..............

I've just found out my two new female neighbours are lesbians, so it looks like I'm definitely going to have my hands full with them.
Binoculars in one, dick in the other.

..............

When I'm on holiday I text my Grandkids, "Just got in" when I wake up in the morning.
They think I'm one cool pensioner.

..............

with all these months now having slogans connected to them for doing something such as "stopping drinking for Stoptober,growing a Mustache for Movember" and such like
This is a good thing but i will be drawing the line at "Gaypril"

..............

Frankenstein enters a body building competition and finds he has seriously misunderstood the objective...

..............

Beeriod : noun
Described as usually a twice-weekly malady suffered by men after a night on the lash.
Symptoms include headache, mood swings, bloated stomach, sometimes the shits .
Treatment .many paracetamol, extra long lie in , fry up , serious beeriods may involve a day off work.

General use
"For fucks sake love leave me alone, I'm on my beeriod".

..............

I met a Moon landing conspiracy theorist, he was insisting that it was all captured in a studio somewhere in the US. He claimed it was an elaborate hoax to win the space race against the Soviets.
I said “So you believe in the Moon? Open your eyes mate don’t believe everything they feed you” fucked him right up.

..............

I don't trust atoms.
They make up everything.

..............

Some people say we have no idea what terrible lengths and conditions these migrants have gone to on their perilous journeys.
I have. Once I travelled on a Mega Bus.

..............

When my wife went to hospital to give birth, they laid her on the bed, took off her clothes, pumped her full of drugs and told her it wouldn't hurt.
Which made me laugh, because that's exactly how I got her pregnant in the first place.

..............
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  #1599  
Old 17-09-2018, 05:15 PM
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My girlfriend called me last night.
“I’m just sitting here watching soaps, I’ve got my face mask on, my hair in rollers and I’m painting my nails.”
She said, “I swear you’re a bender.”

.............

Inside the White House, President Trump was informed that Hurricane Florence is causing trouble.
He replied “Give her the same deal we gave Stormy Daniels”.

.............

L'Oréal - because she's a pretentious cunt that thinks money grows on trees...

.............

A range of alcoholic drinks is being produced named after famous authors....
Dickens Cider is proving very popular

.............

I've never ordered from a Chinese takeaway before, until now...
Does anybody know what this little bag of polystyrene is for?

.............

I was chatting up this really hot girl in the pub last night when she said 'if you want to come back to mine i'll let you lick my pussy out'
So I made an excuse to go for a piss then fucked off out the back door, I'm not into that bestiality shit!

.............

I must be really good at sex.
My wife never moans when we do it.

.............

You know you have taken muff diving to the extreme limit when you need time in a decompression tank to recover from the bends.

.............

What do you call an Indian geometry teacher?
A tan gent.

.............

What do you call a Millennial Irishman?
I. Findthis-O'Fensive.

.............

They say that time is a great healer.
Which would explain why doctor's surgeries make you wait 3 weeks for an appointment.

.............

I pissed off two people today by calling them hipsters.
Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

.............

Did you hear about the guy with square balls?
He had cubic hairs.

.............

Married sex is like the national lottery, same old balls, no chance of a 69 and after ten seconds it all ends in a fucking rollover.

.............

I got into a fight with a snail.
It was a real slug-fest.

.............

What's the difference between a cue ball and a Cuban?
If you hit the cue ball hard enough, you might get a little English out of it.

.............

Although we have some real monster rows, I'd never raise a hand to my wife.
I wouldn't want to leave my balls unprotected.

.............

If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body. If he says you're pretty, he's looking at your face. If he says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother.

.............

I was sexually harassed at work the other day. Oh, the joys of being self-employed.

.............
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Old 18-09-2018, 04:28 PM
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I was at a family party yesterday when my Mum started reminiscing about the Summer of '69.
It could have been worse, she could have told everyone about her Autumn of anal.

...............

At a Glasgow Pub Quiz, the final question to win £1000 pounds is :
Take That's first Album had a four word title, the first two words were "Take That" what were the second two.
After a lengthy silence a wee Glesga man stands up and says.." was it.. Ya Bastard?"

...............

Last night my date said, "So how come you haven't already been snapped up?"
I replied, "I've been married before, but it didn't work out. She said I was far too inattentive."
"Oh, that's so sad! Did you have any kids?"
"Probably."

...............

As I lay on the couch, I glanced across at him as he sat studying me and asked, "Am I delusional?"
"No," replied my teddy bear.

..............

I often stare at a prominent sign on the wall at my Gym that declares,
"NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE".
And every time I think "Whoever wrote that never tried to cancel their membership."

..............

Don't run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.

..............

Scientists have discovered the cause of the ‘butterfly’ sensation people get in their stomach, when they meet someone they’re strongly attracted to .
It’s due to common sense trying to get out of your body !

.............

I said to a Policeman "If I called you a cunt would you arrest me?
The Policeman replied "Yes I would arrest you".
I said "What if I was just thinking you're a cunt"?
"There's not much I can do about that" he replied.
"Good" I said, "Because I think you're a cunt"!

.............

Gerry adams walks into his local, the barman picks up a pint glass and says "bitter Gerry"
Gerry replies " I'm not bitter Michael I fully embrace the peace process ".

.............

My son and I were having a kickabout at the park.
I accidentally tripped him and he fell to the ground clutching his knee, crying and wailing like a little girl.
Anyway, a Liverpool scout saw the whole thing and signed him on the spot.

.............

I came down the stairs and said to my wife, "I've just caught our son shaving."
"Well he's thirteen now and growing up. You'll have some competition now for the man of the house," she giggled.
"I don't fucking think so. The gay twat was shaving his legs."

.............

Read today that they are making jetpacks that would allow soldiers to run faster.
I imagine the French are ecstatic.

.............

I was asked today if I had ever paid for sex. I replied "only emotionally".

.............

How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Not sure, first they have to figure out which way to spin it.

.............

I got sacked during a meeting after my boss said,"Could you please quit acting like you don't give a fuck?"
I said,"I'm not acting at all"

.............
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Old 19-09-2018, 04:29 PM
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I've just bought some state of the art garden shears.
They're the latest in cutting hedge technology.

................

A jew goes up to a prostitute and asks
“how much to wank me off?”
The prossie says looking him up and down.
“£50 to you darling, shall we go round the back ?”
He replies "No thanks, I just wanted know how much I'm saving, every time I do it myself !"

................

Recent records show that 58% of marriages end in misery...
The other 42% get divorced.

................

The wife hates it when I snore.
Especially when we're having sex.

................

I had a vasectomy because I didnt want any kids.
But, when I got home, they were still there.

................

Do you ever go into a room and forget what you went in there for?
Well, that’s how my dad lost his job as a fireman...

................

Still cannot believe Gary Speed had depression and topped himself. Good looking bloke, fit wife, gifted footballer. He seemed to have it all.
Leeds must be a right miserable shithole.

................

My wife has a new hobby which involves distressing furniture.
The other day she climbed into a wardrobe and sang some of her folk songs.

................

The level of pollution in the world today is becoming intolerable.
Only the other day I opened a can of sardines to find it was full of oil and all the fish were dead.

...............

It's a little known fact that Adolf Hitler loved animals . I wouldn't expect anything less , after all he was a veteran Aryan .

...............

I went to a SKA pub for tea.
I chose something off the Specials board.

...............

My wife said, "When you wake up do some fucking gardening!"
So I soiled the bed.

...............

Video games are great, they let you try your craziest fantasies.
For example, on The Sims, you can have a job and own your own house.

...............

What do you call a Muslim with a slice of ham on his head?
Hamed.
What about a Muslim with 2 slices of ham on his head?
Mohammed

...............

What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Syria?
A salesman.

...............
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Old 20-09-2018, 05:12 PM
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I was watching the New Avengers Assemble movie when my wife said, "What super power would you have if you could have any?"
"Invisibility." I replied.
"I'm intrigued." She went on, "What would you do if you were invisible?"
"Sit here and watch the TV in fucking peace." I replied.

.............

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

.............

I've asked my wife to mark on the calendar the days she's on her period.
It worked, but hopefully next time she'll use a pen.

.............

Seen on Facebook:
'Kiss her until she sighs. Caress her until she shudders. Fuck her until she screams.'
I must be good, they always start screaming before I even manage to get their knickers down.

.............

I just found out сосk fighting is done with chickens.
That's 12 months of training gone to waste.

.............

Scouser is wailking down the banks of the river Ganges in India .
He hears screaming, and run towards it, only to find an indian man being eaten by a crocodile , just his head sticking out .
The Scouser says "Dats fucking boss mate where did you get your Lacoste sleeping bag? I want one".

.............

The wife was trying to be sexy for me last night, when I went upstairs she was lying naked sucking a lollypop, then she stuck it up her vagina, I said "be careful with that love, you will need it for getting the kids across the road tomorrow.

.............

I had a threesome with two anorexic girls last night......
Two birds one stone

.............

My wife said, "Give the dog a stroke, he looks sad."
"Wouldn't a fatal heart attack be a kinder way of putting him out of his misery?" I asked

.............

Why does Theresa May always feel the need to tell us her 'daddy' was a vicar?
In the 21st century, you don't gain fucking rational credibility by boasting that your old man believed in the existence of an invisible, undetectable sky fairy.

.............

Scientists say, that one day, it may be possible to live on Mars.
What a load of crap.
I tried it for a month, gained nearly 3 stones in weight and developed type 2 diabetes!

.............
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Old 21-09-2018, 05:22 PM
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Caught my wife going through the neighbours bins.
She's not nosey. Just shit at parking.

..............

"I'm very concerned about our daughter, she's very overweight and she taken the toaster up to the bathroom with her, " said my wife.
"I don't think we need to worry, " I replied, "I've just seen her take a loaf of bread up and half a pound of Lurpak. "

..............

I said "alexa What do women want?”
The damn thing has not shut up for the past three fucking days.

..............

I just went into my local shop & asked for a bottle of water.....
Shop keeper said “Still water”
I replied “Yeah, I haven’t changed my mind”

..............

The Croydon Cat killings, originally blamed on a burgeoning psychopath who would eventually turn his attention to humans, now believed to be the work of a peckish fox.
Police are now re-examining other crimes and investigating the hypothesis that the Yorkshire Ripper murders might have been the work of a startled barn owl, the Moors Murders could be down to bored badgers and the Shipman Killings are likely the result of disgruntled magpies.

..............

I always thought my parents were overprotective, watching me cross the road every time I went out.
But then I found out about the bet...

..............

This older woman caught me looking at some fancy scrolled numbers tattooed on her arm,
"Hello love, "she said, "13-07-1998, it says, the birth of my lovely son. "
"Oh, I'm sorry, "I replied, "I thought it was your best before date. "

..............

My Dad went bald in his 40s, so I started using Rogaine before I was 40. Trouble is, I don't know if I might not have needed it and I can only find out if I stop using it.
I've got Schroedinger's hair.

..............

Regret is a useless emotion.
I wish I’d known that a long time ago.

..............

Woman on dating site: 'I want a man who will make me his priority and give me his undivided attention. I want to be treated like a princess and if you are lucky enough to date me, I won't have sex for at least three months. I'm proud of my curves. Drivers only'.
Wow, how come someone hasn't snapped you up already love?!

..............

Its true that dogs are loyal.
But cats don't tell the police where your drugs are hidden.

..............

Poll: 11% of Americans think Trump is "very liberal."
I assume they mean with his makeup?

..............

Chris Evans has wisely named his twins Ping & Pong.
The lifetime of merciless bullying should serve to divert their attention from the more distressing fact that their dad is a particularly ugly talentless annoying ginger cunt.

..............

Just been reading the line-up for the new 2019 Playboy calander..

Jenny January
Krystal February
Kiki March
Jakki April
Theresa May..

Ewwwww, wtf, I don't think I'll be buying that!

..............

Peter Sutcliffe, The Yorkshie Ripper, currently serving twenty concurrent life sentences at Franklin Jail, County Durham, was, last Sunday, forced to spend some time in Sunderland, surely a cruel and unusual punishment !

..............

Basil Brush to convert to Islam.
BOOM BOOM.

..............

The Birmingham council have announced they will protect people by putting concrete bollards around their Christmas market:
I know the Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Christmas, but this is definitely going over the fucking top.

..............

The inventor of hard boiled eggs wrapped in sausage meat has just died.
RIP Scott Chegg.

..............

Why haven't aliens visited our solar system?
They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.

..............
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Old 22-09-2018, 04:48 PM
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What do you call a camel with four humps?
A Saudi Quattro.

............

After Brexit we will not be able to purchase Venetian blinds so it will probably be curtains for all of us!

............

I insisted to my good friend that suicide was not the answer. Anyway he insisted that it was, he was correct but we lost the pub quiz by one point and the mardy twat hasn't spoken to me since.

............

I got in touch with my feminine side this morning.
I crashed my car.

............

I only have two words for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object.
Hi babe.

...........

I asked my wife what 'Apparent' meant.
She said, "Isn't it obvious?"
I replied, "Not really, no."

...........

I hid in the wardrobe naked and as I heard my girlfriend getting closer I burst out and pounced on top of her.
Anyway, innocent mistake seems it was another Ikea customer.

...........

Donald Trump has vowed to curtail abortion rights for Americans.
Ironically, his presidency is the single best reason to fucking extend them.

...........

I almost forgot to mention. It’s World Alzheimer’s day today........
I have Alzheimer’s, but at least I haven’t got Alzheimer’s

...........

Chas Hodges died of organ failure...well I didn't think too much off his piano playing either...

...........

Why have elephants got four feet?
Cos they would look stupid with six inches.

...........

Saw something unusual at the match earlier today. One of the players was wearing black boots.

...........

"Can I help you, sir?"
"I'd like a jacket potato."
"This is a clothing shop, we don't sell food."
"I didn't ask for food spudface, I want the jacket behind you."

...........

Why is a hard Brexit like an erection?
Because it'll either be wank, or someone is going to get fucked.

...........

Church is like a weekly book club, where you read the same book over and over again. And if you don't go you have to apologize to one of the main characters.
And if you get REALLY good at explaining the plot to everyone, they all chip in and buy you a private jet.

...........

Have you heard the new Rockney band?
Chas 'N' Grave.

...........

"'Miss Hitler' beauty pageant removed from Russia social network site"
He killed twenty million of them. I wouldn't have thought they missed him at all.

...........
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Old 23-09-2018, 05:38 PM
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I’ve recently joined my local boxing club and the trainer there suggested that I tried skipping to get fitter.
After doing this for an hour, he handed me a rope and said, “Use this, you won’t look as gay”

..............

I've been having a problem with nuisance phone calls. The most common one seems to be "You said you'd be home from the pub three hours ago!

..............

If you squeeze the end of your penis till the end turns blue.
The person sitting next to you on the bus will get up and move.

..............

I just hate when your sending a text, and your so rudely interrupted by a stupid jogger, bouncing of your windscreen.

..............

My son was playing on one of his video games
and he screamed he'd just won a life
and I thought how ironic.

............

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you haven't fallen asleep yet.

............

I hadn’t had a fuck for six months.
My ex girlfriend called and said she fancied a casual shag.
Now I'm not saying I was so keen to get there before she changed her mind.
but I did manage to set off two speed cameras on the way to her house.
Which is quite impressive considering I was on foot.

............

Oktoberfest has started in Bavaria. Are the Krauts responsible for the original American calendar?

............

The Americans think they're clever because they put the first man on the moon.
We're the clever ones...We knew there was fuck all up there in the first place.

............

The Army is to introduce a new "Gender Neutral" fitness regime next month.
It lies in that awkward grey area between Queer Bashing and Square Bashing.

............
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Old 24-09-2018, 05:08 PM
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I'm looking forward to reading Brendan Rodgers autobiography. "How to fuck up the easiest job in world football."

..............

"What does Allahu Akbar actually mean?" I asked Muhammad at work today.
"It has two meanings," he replied, "The first meaning is 'God is Great'".
"And the second?" I asked.
"Run like fuck!" he said.....

..............

I was invited to attend a lesbian rally.
Two hours of shit driving? No thanks.

..............

Hey girls, don't you hate it when your ex makes you so mad that you want to key his car, but he doesn't drive, so all you can do is bend his bus pass.

..............

Ossie Ardiles has joined the tributes to Chas Hodges who died at the weekend. Speaking from his Buenos Aires pile Ardiles said "Chas always made me feel welcome at Tottingham. He would always say to me Remember The Falklands, Hope and anchor which I took as a warm tribute to my cousin who perished on The General Belgrano.

..............

What do Nike & the KKK have in common?
They both make black guys run faster.

..............

As they lowered the coffin into the ground, suddenly there was a huge roar of thunder, and a massive lighting bolt that lit up the sky. The old man at the grave raised his head, and said "Well, she's his fucking problem now".

..............

I saw a bloke wearing a T-shirt that said, “This is what a feminist looks like”.
Right enough, he was a cunt had no tits and a bit of a moustache.

.............

Me and the mrs are into that S&M.
She sleeps whilst I masturbate.

.............

Ladycare is a new magnetized device that menopausal women put in their underwear to alleviate symptoms.
I can't help thinking that someone must have already trademarked the name 'Fanny magnet'.

.............

Facebook Status: "Dus nyone no wat itz lyk wen ya feel lyk ya waystin ya time no matta how ard ya tri"
Your English teacher?

.............

I'm sick of the way society's going in regards to privacy and political correctness. These days a guy can't even wank off to Pornhub videos without being monitored and judged.
In my case it became so bad that I had to join a new library.

.............

At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my lecturer, “Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?”
The lecturer replied, “sorry. No Time.”

.............

People treat me like a god.
They ignore my existence unless they need something.

.............
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Old 25-09-2018, 05:38 PM
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Nigerian philosophy: I think, therefore I scam.

.............

I’ve just had 40 winks on the train…
I knew I shouldn’t have worn this pink t-shirt

.............

Well I'm having a shit day. I came home to my wife having sex with my best friend! I said to her "pack your things and leave. I never want to see or hear from you again". As for my best friend, I hit him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper and yelled "BAD DOG! VERY BAD DOG!"

.............

I'm going to France tomorrow for the annual "flicking a ruler on the edge of a desk" competition...
...it's held annually in the Dordogne

.............

I was looking straight at the keeper with the ball at my feet, he came out shouting and waving his arms, evidently trying to put me off. He was unsuccessful, I rounded him and unleashed a ferocious shot..
And completely smashed his beehive to bits.

.............

"Economists say Britain likely to resemble Somalia after Brexit"
Well, I don't think things will improve that much, but here's hoping!

.............

A man came up to me and said "sorry to bother you", I seem to be lost, do you know the Glasgow turn off? "certainly do mate, I replied, "I have been married to her for twenty years.

.............

FACT OF THE DAY
Chas & Dave have had more hits than Rihanna.
Apart from when she was dating Chris Brown

.............

Who says that Liverpudlians are work shy? My mate from Liverpool has got a job at the local abbatoir stunning the animals...
...They've never seen a Scouse with a job before.

..............

Toasters are tanning beds for bread.

..............

Convince Americans you have a gun by telling them every time you try to use the M25 it's jammed.

..............

My wife came home the other night and screamed at me, "You had sex with my sister, You twisted bastard, Whats wrong with you"?
I replied, "Well,she was just lying there, naked in my office, what was I supposed to do."?
"The fucking autopsy, you sick bastard" Was her reply. !!

..............

Anyone want some staples? Hold your hands out!..[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[....enough?

..............

Pretty sure the zombie apocalypse started the day smartphones were invented.

..............

I tried to have sex in the toilet on a flight back from Ibiza.
Ended up getting anal from a tap.

..............

When you decide to marry your long term girlfriend you notice there's a subtle shift in your sex life. It shifts from anal to annual.

..............

I walked up to a gorgeous woman at the party, who looked like an angel, and said, "I'm going to take you home and fuck you senseless."
"You're the second man to say that to me tonight", said the bride.

..............

How many grammar Nazis does it take to change a light bulb?
Too.

..............

Emma Watson has said that she is disappointed after it was revealed that a threat to publish nude photos of her online was a viral marketing hoax.
She's disappointed? I've just wasted £2.09 on a box of mansize Kleenex.

..............

The benefits of joining ISIS:
* A new identity.
* Intense religious indoctrination.
* A virgin bride to marry.
Oh, sorry... That's Scientology.

..............
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Old 26-09-2018, 05:37 PM
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Sad to hear that the inventor of motorway breaks has died. He will be remembered at a number of services across the country.

..............

I watched Eastenders last night and Mick Carters prison scenes were so unrealistic.
It looked fully staffed.

..............

Sir Alex Ferguson's wife went to see his doctor to ask if it would be possible to take Sir Alex out for the day as he was getting very bored at home. Yes said the doctor, but under no circumstances must he get overexcited, so she took him to Old Trafford to watch United playing.

..............

I had sex with this girl I met last night. It was inevitable it was going to happen, you could tell, just by the chemistry.
Rohypnol and chloroform.

..............

I don't need anger management.
I need for it to be socially acceptable to punch cunts in the throat.

..............

Walking through Chinatown late one night, I was propositioned by a girl asking for sex. "No" I said "you are way too young!". She said, "How you know my name?"

..............

That Beluga whale lost in the Thames,
must have the same fucking shite sat nav I bought.

..............

Just seen on the M6 in Lancashire, "Max Speed 50"...
...happy birthday Max!!!

...............

If you have a homeless relative and you win the lottery and don't give them the box from your new 80 inch TV then you're an arsehole.

...............

I went to the doctor to get the results of a knee scan and he started talking about rectal tissue damage. Seeing the mix-up, I interrupted him.
"I think there must have been some sort of a cock up," I said.
"I agree," he replied. "Probably a donkey, looking at the X-rays."

...............

My girlfriend found out about my addiction to necrophilia. She was very upset. While trying to console her, she broke down in hysterics.
"How you could do this to me? It's so disgusting! I wish I were dead," she sobbed.
I broke out in a grin. "See, Honey? That's the spirit!"

...............

A Muslim schoolgirl is complaining that she has been excluded from her Camden school for wearing a veil.
Ironically, if she lived in a Muslim country she could wear a veil to her heart's content, she just wouldn't be allowed to go to school.

...............
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Old 27-09-2018, 06:32 PM
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I was on a plane recently and the stewardess said that in the event of an accident i had to stick my head between my legs.
I couldn't help thinking, 'if i could do that i wouldn't be flying to Thailand in the first place.'

..............

I was taking a bath earlier when I suddenly stopped and thought to myself,
'Maybe this burglary thing isn't for me.'

..............

Sober for October? Better chance of me being gay for May!

..............

What's got two wings and a halo?
A Chinese telephone!!

..............

Apparently Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac once turned down a marriage proposal from William Shatner.
She didnt want to be known as Stevie Shatner-Nicks.

..............

A good romance starts with a foundation of trust and friendship.
A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la.

..............

When you see someone praying after a disaster...
Who are you praying to, the God who did this tragedy, or the one who refuses to do anything about it?

..............

Wife got upset because I demand from her too many handjobs.
But I told her she should take it up with her father: He was the one who gave me her hand in marriage.

..............

A husband walks out of the bathroom naked and starts to climb into bed. His wife gives him a pained look as she says, "I have a headache."
"That's okay," he replies, "I was just in the bathroom powdering my cock with aspirin. Would you like it orally or as a suppository?"

..............

My wife is not best pleased with me.
I got up this morning, took the kids out and left her in bed...
Okay, no-one is perfect; so I forgot to tell her the house was on fire - big deal!

..............

As the growing list of evidence mounted against me, a bloke stood up in court and screamed,
"HANG THE FILTHY BASTARD!!!"
Not really what you want to hear from your Defence Counsel.

..............
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Old 28-09-2018, 06:12 PM
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I've always wondered why traffic lights, speed humps, mini roundabouts and contraflow systems are known as 'traffic calming measures'.
All they do is piss me off.

.............

Dear Slimfast.. you're not fast enough!!

.............

I recently went on holiday to Croatia and went into the local Lidls to see how similar it was to the one at home.
There's loads of cheap tat in the middle of the aisles, food on the shelves with strange names, strange food like peanut flavoured crisps, loads of cheap beer and fags, plus shit loads of Croatians pushing passed you and calling you a cunt in their language.
The one in Croatia is exactly the same.

............

As I was walking out of the public toilet an American guy said to me 'In America, we never walk out a toilet without washing our hands'
I replied 'in the UK, we never walk into a school with an assault rifle'.

............

Sophie Turner, of Game on Thrones and X-men fame, says she cried in a closet for "five minutes" the first time she met Justin Bieber.
Yes, his singing does that to me as well.

............

The female Dr Who.
The first 'What do you call this fucking time?!' Lord.

............

Newly discovered writings unearthed by academics reveal that Sir Isaac Newton predicted the end of the world.
Bit overdramatic, it was only a fucking apple.

............

In 5 years there will be no such thing as a baby gender scan.
You will need to wait until it's 10 years old for it to tell you if it's a boy, girl or a fucking frying pan.

............

What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language.

............

The only thing I've gained so far in 2018 is weight.

............

Two year old spits food on the floor.
Wife: "We don't spit! If it's in your mouth you swallow it!"
Me: *Raises eyebrows*
Wife: "You shut up!"

............

"Hello, is that Mr Ewok?"

"Speaking," I answered.

"Morning Mr Ewok. It's Geoff Mayo here, of Mayo and Son's Funeral Directors. Doctor Smith has looked at your test results and asked us to give you call."

............

Archaeologists discover a skeleton couple holding hands for 700 years.
C'mon mate, it's been 700 years. Make a move!

............

They should just send the B52's to Iraq and Syria.
A couple hours of love shack on repeat will make anybody surrender!

............

A builder has found 22,000 Roman coins estimated to be worth around £100,000...
Although the builder reckons it might be closer to £200,000

............

My Boss described me as "one to watch" in our office.
Sadly, he was talking to Security at the time.

............

So, I asked my grandfather why he doesn't have a life insurance
His answer? "Because I want you to be truly sad when I'm gone."

............
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Old 29-09-2018, 06:12 PM
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I was driving home when my satnav said "Turn off in 200 yards"
Sure enough, my wife was stood there.

...............

Sit your kids on your cars dashboard and drive at 120 mph. Eventually the Police will send you a high quality photo. The points and fines are a lot cheaper than buying school photos.

...............

Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.
He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.

...............

Was in Glasgow and I asked a local "Is it true you batter Mars Bars up here?"
He said "No, pal, you're thinking of wives".

...............

A priest was telling me about hell and the unhappiness, sorrow, and pain that awaits us sinners.
Bit rich coming from a twat who's never been married.

...............

Facebook have had a major security breach.
I’ve always insisted on strict security and privacy on my Facebook account, especially pictures.
I managed to look up some revelling pictures of a girl I work with, some in her bikini on a recent holiday.
She’s lucky it’s me that’s masturbating over her and not some pervert.

...............

If your girlfriend buys you FIFA 19 today, she's not cute and the best in world. It's a smokescreen, she's cheating on you........

...............

Boris Johnson's Brexit plan has more holes in it than a Florida classroom.

...............

My wife was complaining that all the
" Magic" had gone from our marriage.
So I sawed her in half 🤣

...............

We live in a pretty rough neighbourhood.
The kids in my street were playing tag yesterday.
They sellotape iPods to their ankles and scream "You're in breach of your fucking curfew!" at each other.

...............

I went to see psychiatrist for the first time today but it was a complete waste of time - I left with more questions than I came in with.
Who's this Rorschach guy?
And why did he make so many drawings of my uncle molesting me?

...............

When I queued to meet William Shatner at the Sci-Fi convention, I got a bit of stick from the hard-core trekkies because I was wearing my Stormtrooper costume.
"He's Jewish, you Nazi twat," they said.

...............
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Old 30-09-2018, 06:15 PM
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Does anybody know where Bruce Springsteen was born?

.............

If you're feeling a little down and insecure, why not illegally park in a disabled parking space?
The world and his wife will rush over and tell you that there is nothing wrong with you!

..............

"Man loses leg after ignoring shark warning!"...Bet he's kicking himself now!!

..............

My wife went into hospital last night after an acid attack, "Will I still be attractive?" She sobbed.
The doctor had a quick look, and said, "Sure, but you may have to have some facial reconstruction and wear a mask.... How does that sound to you?"
"Not good!" My wife replied, "The acid only hit me on my leg."

..............

President Trump walks into the oval office at the whitehouse .
Everywhere all his black staff are oiled up, lying on tables being worked on by a team of masseurs.
Trump turns to his aid and rages " I said we need to get back to the oval office to massage the figures you deaf cunt "

..............

I walked into the pet shop and said
“I bought two hamsters from you yesterday, "This morning they were both dead.”
She said “did you give them plenty of water like I suggested?”
I said “yes, I filled their tank right to the top”.

..............

I've just joined the McDonald's Customer Loyalty Programme.
I've got type 2 diabetes.

..............

I went round my Ethiopian mates house today.
"Why you got a framed picture of a bar code on your mantlepiece?" I asked.
"That's a family portrait" he replied .

..............

Jose Mourinho has said he wants to go back to Portugal and never be seen or heard again. The McCann’s have offered to help

..............

Kanye West has changed his name to Ye.
Probably because he doesn't know how to spell 'cunt'

..............

I've just been to the barbers and had a Jose Mourinho haircut.
Fuck all at the front, nothing at the sides and mess at the back.

..............

After months and months of trying I finally got the phone number of the hot girl who lives opposite my house.
I was quite lucky really because at one point she almost caught me rummaging through her wheelie bin.

..............

Dogs are clever because they mark their territory with urine. They pee on it, they think it's theirs.
Imagine if people did that, the homeless would own everything.

..............
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Old 01-10-2018, 06:06 PM
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I'll never forget how furious my father was with me the day he caught me crossdressing.
I had the last laugh though when I got on that lifeboat.

..............

I'm half Jewish.
I've got a Two Skin.

..............

Geoffrey Hayes from Rainbow has died.
"I don't even remember the cunt being in the band, " said Ritchie Blackmore.

..............

The dog was stood in the lounge with a hard-on doing an air fuck and the missus said "Oh bless. What does he look like?"
Then I remembered. Theresa May's African dancing.

..............

I was doing so well......
But I caved in and had 14 pints, a joint and some meth. Fuck Stoptober....

..............

Breaking news Geoffrey from Rainbow devoured by zippy... oh wait my mistake! he's just snuffed it and been put in a body bag.

..............

Accidentally filled the escort with diesel..
SHE DIED..

..............

My Nigerian mate has just been jailed in his own country for fraud.
He was caught sending a legitimate email.

..............

I went a Nigerian porn site last night.
It kept asking for my wank details.

..............

I saw a brilliant Nigerian sci-fi page on the web last night ...
How to get your own robot name. you input all the numbers on your credit card, the expiry date and the last 3 digits on the back. Then it randomly generates it for you.
mine is ... 1D10T

..............

Most of my jokes are like the contents of a Nigerian's house.
Stolen and of poor quality.

..............

I've played the Nigerian version of Cluedo
It turned out to be Abasiama Dideoluwakusidede, in the mud hut with somebody else's bank details.

..............

If a pizzeria is a place with pizzas, what is Nigeria?

..............

I came home completely piss drunk and decided to surf some porn on my laptop.
It wasn't till half an hour later I realised I'd been wanking into a pizza box.

...............

The binary version of 101 Dalmatians isn't nearly as impressive as the original...

...............
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Old 02-10-2018, 06:28 PM
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Me and my girlfriend were talking names for our baby, she said, "I want something original!"
I said, "How about Werthers?"

.............

"Damn, this is going to get ugly," I thought.
As my wife removed her makeup.

.............

I use comedy as a defence system.
A lot like Jose Mourinho.

.............

My Grandpa is a Vietnam Vet.
He's not real busy though, most of his clients eat their dogs anyway.

.............

My wife threatened to leave me due to my extreme sexual fetishes...
I said, "Fine, just slam the door on my cock on your way out!"

.............

Former Rainbow presenter Geoffrey has passed away at the age of 76...
Bungle and George have sent their condolences...
Zippy's remained tight lipped.

.............

"People who talk to cats are mentally disturbed"
Anyway that's what my dog said.

.............

A large fat, big mouthed American is on a tour of London and has been bragging on about how everything is bigger and better in the good ol' US of A and how everything is small in Great Britain.
He points his podgy finger at a small building and says to the tour guide "See that building over there, why if that was in the States it would be a hundred times bigger".
The tour guide says "I'm not surprised. that's the obesity wing of the hospital".

.............

"Trump Excludes China From NAFTA!"
I thought geography did that.

.............

The BBC have a new cooking show, hosted by women who have been victims of domestic violence.
It's called "Can't Cook? Right Hook!"

.............

Planning my wife's funeral has been one of the hardest things I've ever done.
She never leaves the fucking room.

.............

Knock Knock
Whose there?
Grandad
QUICK, STOP THE FUNERAL.

.............

A consensus between two politicians is like an agreement between two thieves to pick your pocket.

.............

I think I first realised that my drinking had got out of control when my doctor referred me to a Bacardiologist.

.............

I'm not allowed to smoke in the car with my 8 year old son anymore, but it will do his long term health the world of good.
Now the fat bastard has got to walk to school.

.............
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Old 03-10-2018, 05:42 PM
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Me : Do you have that new book on Cunnilingus for begginers?
Librarian : Sorry love, I'm new here and I don't know where anything is.
Me : Yeah, that's the one.

...............

My wife has got to an age where she's not bothered about the size of her tits any more.
It's the length she's bothered about now.

...............

Manchester University have today banned clapping, whooping and cheering .. Fuck me old news!
They've been doing that for weeks down at Old Trafford.

...............

Medical staff were quickly on the scene to check Steve Bruce hadn't been hurt when a cabbage was thrown at him. When asked what action they should take Steve answered,
"Just put it on the pitch with the rest of the vegetables. "

...............

I've just started an online dating site for Siamese twins! It's called Connect 4

...............

Police were called to an alleged sexual assault incident at the Teddington Lock chapel of rest earlier as mourners queued to say farewell to Geoffrey from Rainbow and a wild brown bear went to rod Jane and Freddy.

..............

There's a whistle attached to your life-jacket for you to blow on in case nobody heard the chaos of the plane crashing.

..............

School is getting really hard these days. It's English & my 7 year old granddaughter can't get the hang of it, can anyone help?
1) المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخB 4ب من دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من> الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

...............

Breaking News: Caitlyn Jenner claims Bruce Jenner sexually assaulted her over 30 years ago.

...............

I was attending the funeral of Geoffrey from Rainbow and I couldn't believe it when a woman with two dicks turned up.
I thought Rod, Jane and Freddy had died years ago.

...............

remember the first rule of golf always keep one eye on the ball
second rule don't try and catch it with the other one.

...............

{Phone Rings)
"We've removed your sons picture from our milk cartons"
"you found him?"
"No, people stopped buying milk"

...............

My new girlfriend is so needy...
She keeps making demands like, "Untie me! Tell me who you are!"

...............

My favourite sexual position is the Quasimodo
Having a nice big hump with her swinging on my bell end.

...............

I now have herpes after having a wild night with two lovely ladies.
Apparently Colgate 3-in-1 toothpaste for 3-way protection does NOT work better than a condom during threesomes...

...............

I got the job of face painter at our local village fete. My tiger, my cat, and spiderman were really popular, it was my japanese bukkake that got me wrestled to the ground.

...............

I saw a load of Polish people the other day.
I said to one of them, "why the fuck don't you lot go to France instead?"
He said, "'cos, every time the French see a pole they stick a white flag on it!"

...............

I've signed up to a dating website and I'm advertising myself a nice, honest, attractive male with a good job and a lot of love to give. So if you want a relationship with someone who wants you for your mind and not your body then go checkout my online profile

PussyPounder69

................

I think 'Sober October' is a really good idea, the people doing it are amazing.
Less queuing at the bar for me!

................
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Old 04-10-2018, 05:39 PM
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The wife was in the kitchen the other morning cooking me bacon & eggs when I suddenly heard a loud thud. Running in I found her collapsed on the floor & not breathing. I was in a blind frenzy, I had no idea what to do.
Then I remembered, Wetherspoons do an all-day breakfast for just £3.99

.............

So, Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween.
I guess they don't appreciate random people coming to their door.

.............

I've just been given a six months suspension from football.
I caught an opponent with a tackle which actually broke both his legs.
I'll admit the tackle was a bit late.
He was getting into his car at the time.

.............

I see Luke Shaw has won Man Utds player of the month.
That's just like winning a tallest dwarf competition.

.............

What do you call a man with 11 pricks?
Jose

.............

The wife was in court today for mooning Simon Cowell, The witnesses couldn't agree which was the biggest arsehole.

.............

My pal recently joined a study which focuses on the long term psychological effects of a hostile environment.
Apparently, it's really good and he plans on signing me up for marriage counseling too.

............

If laziness was an Olympic sport.
I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

............

Why did Buddha start pulling coins out of his arse?
Because change comes from within.

............

Wife: I am not talking to you.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Don't you want to know the reason?
Husband: No, I respect & trust your decision!
And that's when the fight started...

............

I was sleeping with a granny prostitute the other day when my wife suddenly burst in.
"How could you do it?!" She screamed. "With a horrible old bag like that!"
"I know luv," I said, "but she wasn't that bad when I married her."

............

"What's the rugby score?" I shouted to my wife from the kitchen.
"Well, England were winning, but Australia are scoring a point every second," she shouted.
"The score's the one above the timer," I shouted back.

............

I was called into my manager's office today because of my dress code.
He said, "You can't wear pyjamas for work."
I said, "Everyone else does."
He said, "That's because they're patients."

............

I hate my boss.
There's a sign behind her desk that says 'You don't have to be mad to work here, but it helps!'
Mind you, she's written it in her own shit...

............

Whenever some says that something is "Better than sex", I always think "Better than sex with you maybe"

............

BBC News: A 14-year-old girl from Bedfordshire with an allergy had to go to hospital after a kiss from a boyfriend had traces of nuts on his lips.
Not the best way to find out your bloke is gay, one would assume.

............
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Old 05-10-2018, 05:49 PM
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I made my wife a Caesar salad last night......
The dog was really pissed off though as it was his last tin!!..

.............

An Englishman in Birmingham has been arrested today for impersonating a taxi driver.

.............

They've published another week of Elizabeth Fritzl's diary.

Monday:- Stayed in, Dad came down and fucked me.
Tuesday:- Stayed in, Got fucked by Dad
Wednesday:- Stayed in, Dad fucked me doggy style
Thursday:- Stayed in, Dad spunked on my face
Friday:- Stayed in, Dad gave my arse a right pounding
Saturday:- Went to watch man utd play. Wish I'd fucking stayed in.

.............

I wanted to find out some more information about Islamic State so I looked them up on the internet. Apparently they currently stand 3 places above Scotland in FIFA's world rankings.

.............

Me : I want to divorce my wife.
Lawyer : On what grounds?
Me : She's out all night, every night, going from bar to bar.
Lawyer : Are you saying she's an alcoholic or do you think she's cheating?
Me : No, she's looking for me.

.............

The Fermi paradox is a question about intelligent life in the Universe. There should be millions maybe billions of highly advanced civilisations, according to the Drake equation, so where is everyone?
The answer could be they are intelligent so they don’t visit here.

.............

CBS Minnesota have reported that due to early frost the birds are getting drunk from eating fermented berries and are becoming a nuisance.
Really.......
They want to try spending a weekend up in Newcastle.

.............

Rage Against The Machine's debut album has some great tunes on it decrying the capitalist system and the slavery it results in.
It sounds awesome on my iPhone.

.............

Just been listening to the radio in the car
Didn't realise Newcastle played an away match abroad last week, and lost.
Apparently Indonesia has been wrecked by the "Toon Army"

.............

Just got a text from my mate saying he was going to kill himself and ignored it.
"Don't you think you should do something?" asked my girlfriend.
"He's on T-Mobile," I replied, "the funeral was last week."

.............
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Old 06-10-2018, 05:49 PM
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Pub landlord, holding a phone: Dave, it's your wife.
Dave: Tell her I'm not here - stupid fat bitch.
Landlord: I can't, she's behind you.

...............

When it comes to women, I'm like an ant: I pull three times my own weight.

...............

Anyone identify with this situation:
I'm Starving.
Me: “Chinese takeaway tonight?”.
Wife: “Yeah OK but I’ll have a look on the menu to chose what I’ll have”
An hour passes.
Wife: “I’ll just have my usual”.

................

My wife loves flowers and I bring her a lovely bunch home twice a week. It always makes her feel loved and wanted, in return I get the best meals, go out when I want, all the sport I can watch on the telly and any kind of filthy fabulous sex I want.
Yes, moving near that accident blackspot was the best thing I ever did.

................

I was thinking I could do with losing 2-3 stone, until I saw John McCririck.

................

Please buy our charity compilation album .procedes to go to the the indonesian tsunami disaster fund ..
Track listing
1.Eruption . One way ticket .
2.Bill hayley . shake rattle and roll
3.Status quo. rockin all over the world.
4.Elvis presley . All shook up
5.katrina and the waves .walking on sunshine
6.Soft cell . say hello wave goodbye
7.Surfaris . Wipe out
8.Samuel e .wright . Under the sea
9.The drifters . Float on
10.Mud . Tiger feet (asian mix )
11.Black sabbath . Aftershock.

..................

I've just been kicked out of the magic circle..so i'm quite disillusioned!

..................

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.

..................

"What you up to?"
"I'm just watching The X Factor, dad"
What a way to find out your son will never make it to University.

..................

I'm usually quite an unlucky person, but I can't believe my stroke of good fortune today.
I was watching Manchester United and my Satellite connection went down.

..................

I bought a packet of those 'Everlasting Gobstoppers' as a child and twenty-five years on they're still going strong.
On closer inspection it turns out I actually bought a packet of Marbles.

..................

"Daddy, when will mummy be home?" My four year old asked, "I don't like it when there's just us two in the house."
"I don't know," I replied, "Now stop ringing me when I'm in the pub and go and see why your little sister's crying."

.................

Interpol having no luck searching for their missing Chief of Interpol.
They are now turning their attention to searching for irony.

.................
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Old 07-10-2018, 05:45 PM
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I drove past a gypsy wedding yesterday. I have to say, it was remarkably like the Royal Wedding.
Everyone was inbred and the taxpayer is footing the bill.

.............

Paddy read that you could increase the value of your house by knocking 2 rooms into 1.
Now his living room is 15 foot high and he has one less bedroom.

.............

The poor lad attacked by a shark while on honeymoon has died. But he didn't suffer as he had only been married 5 days.

..............

What do babies do when they don't get their own way?
You'll find the answer on the pitch at Old Trafford.

..............

Parents are ordered not to cheer their children at football matches in a bid to take pressure off youngsters.
No problem for me. My son is shit.

..............

What is it with Tina Turner collecting body parts from husbands? She's had a kidney from her latest one and got a few right hands off Ike.

..............

Ideally, I'd like to shag Tess Daly.........
And Keira Knightley.

..............

Brett Kavanaugh has been sworn onto the Supreme Court with his hand on the Bible:
What a cunt!
The creepy lizard should've had his hand on Harvey Weinstein's diary.

..............

BBC News: Glastonbury sells out in 30 minutes.
They sold out nearly 20 years ago when they put fucking Daphne & Celeste on the bill.

..............

Japan has built humanoid robots to do construction work! The robots are so human like that they've had 3 reported for sexual harassment!

..............

I'm sat reeling in sadness at the clips and images of these poor dishevelled people.
Please give £3 a month so Man Utd can buy a new team.

..............

I'm putting a candy vending machine in my yard this Halloween.
Fuck you and your damn kids. I've got bills to pay.

..............

As a painter, I’m proud to say some of my work is in the national gallery.
I did the skirting boards.

..............

I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a works function, we were having a drink and I said to him "Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"?
He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife"

..............

URGENT ADVICE NEEDED!
Could anyone out there possibly explain to me the exact position of a woman's clitoris, as I am concerned that I may have been licking my new girlfriends piles for the last two weeks.

.............

I just found out, The Chinese family next door had waffles for breakfast this morning...
Bastards...
I loved that cat.

.............

Was watching that tsunami disaster on the news, and some cunt was moaning "that they had no water"
I sat thinking .....
FFS there's no pleasing some people.

.............
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Old 08-10-2018, 06:42 PM
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I got touched inappropriately at work today by my boss
But it’s fine i’m self-employed.

...............

Did you know that the flame of a candle smells like burning nasal hair?

...............

DIABETICS: Mary Poppins does not have your best interests at heart.

...............

I woke up this morning to the sun coming through my bedroom window...
Doesn't give a fuck, that new paperboy.

...............

I'm not saying that Riyhad Marez's penalty was a little high or anything, but another Malaysian flight has gone missing.

...............

On a recent visit to ireland i thought i would try a spot of fishing , i went into a sports shop, to buy a rod , The assistant asked of it was for fresh water or sea fishing, i didn;t know there was a difference, he went on to explain the the finer points. While i was there i also asked about a baseball bat, certainly now sir , would that be for a wedding or a funeral ?

...............

The single mum next door is known locally as the Helipad.
As soon as one chopper departs, another replaces it.

...............

Photons have mass.
Which surprised me, as I didn't even know they were Catholic.

..............

Leaked scripts have revealed that this series of Doctor who will be the last.
In the final episode the Daleks set the TARDIS controls to land in a Yorkshire lorry park in the 70s.

...............

The last time i was in America I got pulled over by a cop. When he walked up, I pulled out my 9mm.
Once he stopped laughing, he wrote me up for indecent exposure.

...............

The feminists are right. I need to stop calling them Feminazis.
It makes real Nazis look bad.

...............

Can't wait to move to America with my pet lions
They may kill kids, but that's apparently less important than my right to own them.

...............

I hear Conor McGregor was feeling pretty rough on Sunday morning there, after he went for a Khabib on Saturday night.

...............

If Jesus was real, they wouldn't call it the crucifixion...
They would call it the crucifact.

...............

Orgasms can lower a woman's risk of heart disease, stroke, breast cancer and depression”
Call me! Your health is important!

...............
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