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  #1561  
Old 04-08-2018, 05:31 PM
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I was devastated when I got home from Argos to find my wife had left me.
I'd just bought a seesaw.

.............

Don't wait till your deathbed to tell people how you feel.
Tell them to fuck off NOW!

.............

I'm sick of all the shit on the TV these days.
To be honest its my fault for putting the Bird cage there in the first place.....

.............

The old lady next door just knocked my door,
"Can you open a jar of pickles"? she asked
"Of course I can" I replied,
"Great" she said " I've just bought some cheese".

.............

A statement has been made regarding the accident I Bradford over the death of four Asians dying after their car hit a tree.
The E.D.L. claim they planted it.

.............

It dawned on me why African kids always have to walk 15 miles to fetch water, instead of just moving closer.
They live in one room huts. It's the only time the adults get to have sex.

.............

You know you're racist when you're watching Scooby Doo and you think he's saying...
"Rag head" instead of "Shaggy"

.............

Sky sources: Money-lender Wonga has received a £10m emergency cash injection from high-profile technology investors to save it from insolvency
Let's hope they make the cunts pay it back at 4000% APR.

.............

The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.

.............

Bad news for that tree in Bradford; the authorities are already looking to charge it with hate crimes and Islamophobia !

.............

"How the Welsh helped build Stonehenge: News"
News? Work was finished on it over three and a half thousand years ago.

.............

My wife sidled up to me and said that if I just did one little thing I could have sex any time I wanted.
So I took the hint and divorced her.

.............

There's no excuse for laziness...
but, if you find one, let me know.

.............

My dog had been ill and after a trip to the vets, I went to the pharmacy for his medicine.
"Fucking hell." Said the chemist, studying the paper. "Was the vet Chinese or something?"
"Actually, yeah." I chuckled. "Is it illegible?"
"No, it's a recipe."

.............



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  #1562  
Old 05-08-2018, 06:57 PM
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I've started a business selling Muslim Womenswear.
Monday sees the grand opening of BurkaKing.

............

I ran out of toilet paper earlier, so I just had to say 'Goodbye Socks!'
It was a daft name for a hamster anyway.

............

Despite what people think, it's not all doom and gloom being a morgue attendant.
This morning I had a right little Chuckle.

............

RIP Barry.

My mate was such a fan, he changed his name from Tommy to Hugh.

............

"Jeremy Corbyn needs to do much better to convince Jews he acts in good faith"
I'm not sure. I think he was right to turn down an invitation from the IDF to shoot suspected Palestinian terrorists on their way home from school.

...........

I went to the police station to report that some twat in a mask had cut me with a knife and taken all my money.
"I'm sorry, sir", said the cop, "but we can't arrest your plastic surgeon."

...........

A ginger guy from work had a rash on his cock, he claimed it was a sexually transmitted infection.
It turns out he'd developed athlete's foot on his bellend, which he caught off his wank sock.

...........



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  #1563  
Old 06-08-2018, 05:47 PM
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Facebook are launching a dating app that's going to let users choose between five genders.
Well, I'm all for equality, and think it's about time they included the other three genders - 'Attention seeker', 'Mentally ill', and 'In denial'.

..............

I met this really fit girl in the pub last night but I had to walk away when I realised she was really childish.
She said she wanted to take me home and ride me like a horse!

..............

Aftershocks from the Indonesian earthquake hit Bali damaging tens of thousands of designer watches and items of luggage including Rolex and Burberry products.
Initial estimates believe the value of the ruined stock could be as high as 50 quid.

.............

I’ve heard that there’s an investigation into Barry Chuckle. It’s titled Operation To You-Tree.

.............

Isn't it about time someone called in Noel Edmonds to sort out this deal or no deal thing?

.............

Fellas: Don't bother using that Vagisil stuff, it doesn't work, my wife is still an irritating cunt.

.............

Do strippers in the Southern hemisphere spin around poles in the opposite direction than strippers in the Northern hemisphere?

.............

My swimming instructor asked, "What's your favourite stroke?"
I said it was the one that finished off Margaret Thatcher.

.............

After our child was born, I turned to the doctor and said with a wink:
"Stick a couple of stitches in for me would you."
"It shouldn't be a problem sir, it was a caesarean birth" he said.
I said, "I meant in her mouth, otherwise I'll never hear the end of it."

.............

I used to think I suffered from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
Apparently not, I'm just a lazy cunt.

.............

The Gaza truce is like the female orgasm.
We all know it's fake but it still makes us feel good about ourselves.

.............

New Scientist reports a new study. It found that ancient cave art from 40,000 years ago was mostly done by women.
For fuck's sake ... Even back then men didn't have a say in the fucking decorating.

.............

Wife: I am not talking to you.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Don't you want to know the reason?
Husband: No, I respect & trust your decision!
And that's when the fight started...

.............

Never employ someone who's obsessed with graphs. They'll always be plotting behind your back.

.............

"Mom, do you still have sex with dad?"
"Yes, but it's mostly oral sex"
"What's oral sex?"
"I tell him to fuck off”

.............



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  #1564  
Old 07-08-2018, 05:24 PM
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All this shit in Indonesia is starting to get on my nerves, people moaning about their homes...
...fucksake after 12 or 13 aftershocks I can't find my house either!

.............

I've always been known as a bit of ladies man.
No matter how well signposted the gents are.

.............

Mallzheimer's: When you go to the mall and later forget where you parked your car.

.............

Theresa May on Brexit charm tour. Funniest oxymoron I have ever heard.

.............

What do you call a Pakistani wife beater ?
Chinda.

.............

I can't understand why those hard-line Imams keep going on about "Death to the West". Don't they realise Fred asphyxiated himself while on remand at HM Prison Birmingham on 1 January 1995.

............

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.

"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

..............

Banned airline items include forks.
Fair enough - anyone excited enough about airline food to bring their own fork is suspicious in my book.

..............

I read that if you're feeling nervous, it helps to massage your anus.
I think it made this afternoon's job interview a bit awkward though.

..............

For anyone confused when reading political party manifestos...
Just change the word 'plans' to 'lies'.

..............

At a clerk interview, the bank manager was enthused by the new applicant.
"Where did you attain your skills with figures?" asked the manager.
"Yale," the man replied.
Impressed, the manager responded, "When did you leave Yale?"
"Yust this Yanuary."

..............



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  #1565  
Old 08-08-2018, 05:57 PM
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I was so offended by Boris Johnson's ignorant comments about the Burka, I decided to write him a strongly worded letter
But when I tried to post it, the letterbox screamed at me.

.............

New Climate predictions say that by 2050 parts of the planet could be uninhabitable.
And if you can't imagine that , check out Glasgow in 2018.

.............

Lots of new sexual harassment claims being made against the late Barry Chuckle.
#Too Me

.............

I was walking through the park today sweating my nuts off in the heat when I saw this 80 year old man sat on a bench with his arms folded and slumped forward with his head in his lap.
I said 'are you ok mate?, is their anything I can do' and he replied in a slow, disturbing voice 'I'm having a stroke, please help me'
Well I was out of there like a rocket, their was absolutely no way on earth I was going to help the dirty old pervert to have a wank!

.............

My Nan died from a stroke when I didn't act FAST.
F – Face. Has their face fallen on one side? Can they smile?
A – Arms. Can they raise both arms and keep them there?
S – Speech. Is their speech slurred?
T - I couldn't remember this one, so I made her some tea and toast.

.............

A Traffic Warden's coffin was being lowered into the ground, and a voice comes from inside. "Please help..I'm not dead..I'm not dead...Please let me out"
The vicar smiles...and leans over the casket and says.
"Too fucking late you Nazi cunt...I've already done the paperwork"

.............

I was doing a crossword the other day. 10 letters, begins with N and the clue was constipation.
That's easy I thought, it's nnnnnnnnnn!

.............

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask
You something...
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if
I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage,
why then did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied, "Because this is Halfords."

..............

Archaelogists digging at Stonehenge have discovered a neolithic manuscript which it is believed will change everything we know an understand about prehistoric writings.
Experts at Cambridge analysed the 4000 year old document with a vast array of scientific instruments and it says
"the DFS sale ends this solstice!"

.............

My girlfriend said that switching off her mum's life support machine was the most difficult thing that she's ever had to do.
She has clearly never tried to not spill a full pint of beer whilst sneezing.

.............

Teacher is going around the woodwork class to see how the kids are doing. He comes up to little Johnny and says 'What are you making Johnny?'
Johnny says 'A portable, sir'
'A portable what?' says the teacher.
Johnny answers 'Give me a fucking chance, I've only made the handle'

.............

A really aggressive guy came up to me in the pub the other day.
"I've met some absolute twats in my life," he roared, "but you are something else!"
I was pretty relieved. At least he doesn't think I'm a twat.

.............

This woman came up to me in a club.
"Hello," she said.
"Aaaaargh!" I shrieked. "Why have you got a tattoo on your face?!"
She looked down. "It's a birthmark," she said sadly.
"Oh," I said. "Why would you want a tattoo of a birthmark?"
Then she walked off. Fucking weirdo.

.............

I'm a very literal person and I suffer with Tourette's. I had to go to court today and was worried how I'd cope. All went well till I was asked to swear on the bible...

.............

"Can you help me, doctor?" asks the patient.
"Hmm," says the doctor. "I think I'll prescribe a course of peat treatment at a health farm."
"Will that cure me?"
"Probably not, but it'll help you get used to damp earth."

.............

I'm writing a book about Zoophilia.
It's called the farmersutra.

.............



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  #1566  
Old 09-08-2018, 06:44 PM
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I walked up to a female member of staff in Tesco today and said, "Do you know where the Weight Watchers meals are?"
"I'm afraid not," she replied, "It's my first day."
"Fair enough," I said, "Let me show you."

...............

Suicide Bombers; first you see one on the street, then they’re everywhere.

...............

Fucking political correctness, just had a bollokin off a copper for shouting "Get your tits out for the lads," to a big titted blonde across the street.
Apparently now I have to shout, "Get your tits out for the lads, lassies, gays, lesbians, transgenders, and anyone else who has not yet chosen a fuckin label. "

...............

I hate those 'pay and display' car parks! Dogging never used to be that commercialised!!

...............

Paul chuckle says he can’t stand listening to the Real Thing’s, “You to Me are everything”, anymore.

...............

Is there anything more harmless than a vegan zombie?

...............

My German girlfriend started a new job with an App based Taxi service.
Her new workmates call her..
Deutschland Uber Alice.

................

Health and safety has gone mad. According to my wife, IKEA now send people out to ensure the furniture is correctly assembled.
This is the 5th time I've come home to find a man in the cupboard I bought from them. And it's every time she tries to have a lie down, too.

................

Just got back from the gun range with a message to all my enemies.
The person just to the left of you is fucked.

................



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  #1567  
Old 10-08-2018, 05:19 PM
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Still amazed that The Bible was so specific in forbidding shops with 280 square metres of floor space to open for more than 6 hours on a Sunday.

.............

Will my continental quilt still work when we leave the EU........

.............

My granddad's just come out the closet.
Probably had another shit in there.
That's alzheimers for you.

.............

"Formed in 1977 in Coventry, England, they are an English 2tone ska revival band whose music combines a steady rock beat with punk attitude. Jerry Dammers and his bandmates achieved fame and notoriety with classics like "Ghost town" and "Too much too young".
"Well that's true", I said to the waiter, "But it's not what I meant when I asked you to tell me about the specials"...

.............

A used vibrator was found on a London underground central line tube train.
Security staff are looking for the owner who got off at every station.

.............

Boris Johnson for Prime Minister?
Huh, I wouldn't trust that cunt to post a letter.

.............

A friend of Donald Trump's told him that he had a fantastic dream the other night.
There was a really, really big, huge parade in Washington celebrating Trump. Hundred of thousands, perhaps millions, of happy people lined the parade route, and cheered and cheered when Donald went past. It was the biggest celebration Washington had ever seen. Really Huge!
Donald was very impressed and said, "That's really great! The best! By the way, how did I look? Was my hair OK?"
His friend said "I couldn't tell. The casket was closed!"

..............

I took my new puppy for his first shots today, but the poor thing threw up everywhere.
Maybe should have started him on something weaker than Sambuca.

..............

Idris Elba as Bond? May I be the first to recommend Tom Cruise as lead in the Black Panther sequel?

..............

I named my weed "The Qur'an"
Because burning it will get you stoned.

..............

Evidently there have been a number of Ebola deaths in Nigeria.
Does this explain why I have heard nothing for two months since I sent my bank details to their government official?

..............

How come, whenever a baby sits and stares at a woman for minutes on end it's "adorable".
Yet when I do it, apparently it's "creepy".

..............

I was telling my neighbour "We thought there was an outbreak of measles at the school, but it actually turned out to be German measles"
"How do you know?" he asked.
"It's killed all the Jewish kids" I replied.

..............

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

..............

One of the boys in my English class has bought a Harry Potter replica wand.
I find this ironic, as he's dyslexic, and therefore can't spell.

..............



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Old 11-08-2018, 05:49 PM
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Paddy drags a huge metal box to the Antiques Roadshow, when it was recently visiting Dublin.
"Where did you get that from?", the expert asks.
"It's been in my loft for 40 years. I think it's an heirloom", says Paddy.
"Do you have insurance?", asks the expert.
"No , should I?" asks Paddy.
"Yeah", says the expert, "it's your water tank."

...............

What goes 'Click click save, click click save?'
Millions of Man United fans screenshotting the premier league table.

...............

Roses are red, your panties are moist. I'd take you to bed but I don't have a hoist!!

...............

My mate said" I'm coming up to see you mate, is there a B+Q in wigan?"
I said "no it's spelt W.I.G.A.N."

...............

We got a new power shower.
It says on the box, "It feels like your getting showered under Niagara Falls".
The first time i used it i got hit on the head by a bloke in a fucking barrel!

...............

"Our ancestors died out because they were ‘lazy’, science claims"
No, our ancestors died out because nobody lives forever. Pillock!

...............

Breaking news: Due to a clerical error it turns out that Mike Ashley has actually spent £90 million on an apartment in Seattle.
He's bought the house of Frasier

...............



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Old 11-08-2018, 09:08 PM
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Re Idris Elba playing James Bond, no more stupid than Tom Cruise playing Jack Reacher.
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  #1570  
Old 12-08-2018, 03:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Grumpy Dave View Post
Re Idris Elba playing James Bond, no more stupid than Tom Cruise playing Jack Reacher.
True, I thought that was the most stupid casting ever. Anybody who has read only ONE Jack Reacher novel would know that a stumpy little dwarf was not the persona of the main character...... As for Idris, he may well make a good Bond (He was bloody brilliant as a rebel leader in a film who's name I cannot remember), I don't write them, I just post those I find that tickle my funny bone.......
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Old 12-08-2018, 03:40 PM
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I hate it when my Scouse girlfriend gets changed into her pyjamas...
...I don't know if she's going to bed or going shopping.

.............

My wife hates it when I go for a shit with the door open!
I don’t know what her problem is..I still keep my eyes on the road?

.............

Was sat in my garden this afternoon when those gypsy bastard sticks his head over and shouts " oy do want your shed retarred?"
I shouted back no I fucking don't.
So he fucking took it.

.............

This morning I made a Belgian waffle.
In the afternoon I made a Frenchman talk absolute bollocks.

.............

I bought an Airfix kit of Jimmy Saville. It was a bit "fiddly"

.............

The Tories have sent Boris Johnson for diversity training.
Ashley Banjo said he has already picked up the basics of street dancing.

.............

On a menu I saw "Golden Soup" listed. I asked the waitress why it's called golden soup?
She said because there's 24 carrots in it.

.............

Tourette's - Enabling sneaky racism since 1924.

.............

Motorcyclists. Save time in the bank by simply throwing a large burka over your helmet when being served.

.............

What's worse than ants in your pants?
Uncles.

.............

Man found hanged in his flat, 8 years after committing suicide.
Sort of proves his point, really.

.............

You know when you're having a No 2, then suddenly realise that there is no loo roll, so you have to get up and do that waddle to get a new roll 😵
Well.......
I'm nearly at Tesco!

.............



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Old 13-08-2018, 04:42 PM
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Looking forward to the next Bond movie,
"The Man With The Stolen Gun"

.............

Security is being reviewed just because someone stole a plane?.
I nicked a sander once and no one even noticed.

.............

What do you call a septic cat?
Pus.

.............

My 3 year old daughter is glued to the TV.
I've also superglued the dog to the ceiling fan. It's fucking hilarious!

.............

I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky."
I said "My name's Louis, but people call me Dick."
She said "how do you get Dick from Louis?"
I replied "you just ask nicely."

............

Putting the milk away this morning, I noticed a gone-off smell so I left a note for my wife; "Please clean out the fridge."
I wish I hadn't now. There's nothing left for supper, and she's laying on the sofa like a python that's swallowed a goat.

............

I think my weight problem might be getting out of control, so this morning I downloaded an app for counting calories.
Later, I entered what I ate for lunch and it uninstalled itself.

............

"You've woken up on the wrong side of the bed," said my wife.
"Shut up," I replied, "and get this fucking mattress off me."

............

What's worse than having a girlfriend with no tits?
Having no girlfriend and tits.

............

Vegans: If pigs are so smart why do 66% of them build their houses with ineffective building materials?

............



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Old 14-08-2018, 06:20 PM
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The driver in the Westminster crash fell asleep at the wheel.
He'd been driving round London for 4 days solid, trying to find a white person to run over.

.............

Fucking sneaky bastard Muslim terrorists. When they are hated by just about every fucker on the planet they go and play their joker by trying to kill a load of cyclists.

.............

Spot the fucking thick cow:
Kay Burley, SKY News.
"I wouldn't like to guess the ideology that motivated the London terrorist."

.............

Every time my doorbell goes my dog hides in the corner
He's a Boxer.

.............

Country is basically emo music for rednecks.

.............

Say what you like about the Amish, but at least they've found a way to stop cyber attacks.

.............

In an attempt to cut down on Americanisms, I've been replacing all my Z's with S's.
On the downside, I now go to bed and wake up feeling deflated.

.............

A woman goes into the bank with a fifty pound note sticking out of each ear
She asks if she can see the manager about her account.
The bank clerk goes to see the manager and says " There's a woman wanting to see you, she says she's one hundred pounds in arrears"

.............

Has anyone considered that jihadist Muslims might not actually be terrorists?
They might just be really shit drivers.

.............

I went up to a lass in the night club last night, "Excuse me love, are you a brick layer?" I asked with a cheeky grin.
"Why are you hoping to get laid" she winked back.
"No, its just with that much make up on, you must be experienced with a trowel".

.............

I was having a pint at a bar in Dover and overheard two guys talking about their military experience in Iraq.
Being an ex serviceman, I joined in the conversation and asked which regiments they were in.
Isis was the reply.

.............

Apparently every woman is bi.
It just takes time to figure out if it's sexual or fucking polar.

.............



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Old 15-08-2018, 05:44 PM
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Why not put Brendon Rogers in charge of Brexit?
He managed to get Celtic out of Europe in just 180 minutes.

..............

A manc and a scouser go into a bakery, the scouser pinches three iced buns and shoves them in his pockets .
The manc says to the scouser "that's just simple theft I will show you how it's done".
He convinces the baker to let him show him a magic trick .
The baker places 3 iced buns on the counter and the manc eats each one in turn ..the baker looks annoyed and want's his money ..the manc says" no it's magic look in the scouser's pockets!"

..............

Aren’t we over-dramatising the “terror attack” somewhat?
2 people have been discharged from hospital.
1 person treated at the scene for minor injuries.
Ford Fiesta.
25 mph.

Not exactly 9 fucking 11 was it?

..............

The first rule of Wank Club is, never shake hands with another member of Wank Club.

..............

Drinkypoos
Something girls think is a cute way of saying drinking.

Drinkypoos
What men get after drinking 8 pints of Guinness

.............

Score update:
Italian bridge builders 35 London terrorist 0

.............

Ben Stokes's lawyer has claimed Hitler only invaded Poland to protect the Jewish populations rights.

.............

Trampoline:
Lube for hobos.

.............

Most people are shocked when they find out...
How incompetent I am as an electrician.

.............

How many Nazis does it take to screw in 6 million lightbulbs?
One. The rest were just following orders.

.............

I told my mum that bukkake is Japanese for noodles.
I sure hope I'm there when she orders it at the restaurant.

.............

"Get behind me Satan," demanded the priest.
And so order was restored to the lunch queue in Hell.

............

How to get over your fear of the dark: As soon as you turn the lights off, start masturbating. No monster wants to see that shit. While doing it, stare at the corner and whisper tenderly, "this is for you"

............
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  #1575  
Old 16-08-2018, 06:22 PM
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I recently converted to Islam and have turned my house into a Mosque. It's been a great success so much in fact my neighbours have thrown a brick through my window so they can hear my call to prayer better.

.............

I saw that advert today where that cunt Bono clicked his fingers and explained that with each click, a child in Africa dies.
I was shocked beyond belief! When I realised that last night in the Kashmir Tandoori, I'd murdered 4 of them ordering more popadoms!!

.............

My mate paddy didn't do too well on dragons den.
He was pitching his range of halal pork sausages and bacon.

.............

The chairman of Luton Town FC has urged the supporters to stop chanting the name of the former EDL leader and far right activist 'Tommy Robinson' during their matches.
For fuck sake, cut them some slack, the poor cunts are watching Luton play, they've got to have something to sing about.

.............

Whats the difference between ISIS and the I.R.A.?
The I.R.A liked to ring ahead .
ISIS like to chop off a head.

.............

When my wife cries, it's like a terrorist attack
A staged event designed to cover up worse behaviour.

.............

Build bridges not walls! ...

Oh unless your Italian, then its best to just stick to building walls.

.............

The Queen’s physician, an expert in homeopathy has died following a collision.
Unfortunately no amount of 6X arnica could save him.

............

A Higgs Boson enters a church:
Priest: "We don't allow Higgs Bosons here"
Higgs Boson: "But without me how can you have mass?"

............

In science class today, I tried the experiment where you attach electrodes to a frog's legs to make them twitch.
It worked, but now I've got to explain to the school about the death of one of their French foreign exchange students.

............

Scientists have found that dogs and humans share the same DNA.
This would explain why my wife's a bitch, my kids hate a bath and, if I could, I would lick my own balls.

............

Why is it called Mooning when you're actually showing Uranus?

............

You don't need to go to University to suffer massive expense and boring lectures hungover after late nights.
Just get married.

............

At a job interview I've always found that "Children are a big focus in my life" is a lot better than "I'm a convicted sex offender."

............

I'm going to try cannabis to cure my cancer.
If it doesn't work, at least I won't give a fuck.

............
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Old 17-08-2018, 05:49 PM
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One great indicator that you're getting drunk is when you find yourself constantly dropping things, like your standards.

............

If you gets a link called 'free porn' dont opin it.
It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and garblis up you riting.
I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it.

.............

A Pennsylvania priest has a heart attack and passes out in the ambulance that takes him to the local hospital. As they are rushing him to surgery, the priest wakes up and asks the nurse, " Am I in heaven?".
"No", says the nurse, "We are just taking a short cut through the children's ward"

.............

My holiday home has just been burnt down by Welsh Nationalists.
It came as a bit of surprise really as its in Thailand.

.............

Someone left a carrier bag in my front garden so I opened it up.
You learn something every day, I never knew Tesco sold dog shit.

.............

Everyone is saying they can't believe Bobby Madley is only , 32 years old, but that's 224 in dog years.

.............

Anyone else ever noticed that Kylie Minogue is an anagram of You Like Minge?

.............

A bird from work was telling me she's off on holiday this weekend,
"Can I come in your suitcase?" I chuckled...

Nobody ever understands my fetishes

.............

Statistically, older people are the most common carriers of AIDS...
Hearing Aids, Walking Aids, Seeing Aids...

.............

In an effort to encourage people to get their five-a-day, my local baker has been adding vegetables to his bread.
Unsurprisingly, his 'pea-dough' isn't his best seller.....

............

I've just been to a paedophile convention and a Radio One Road show has just broken out.

............

My appointment for Job Seekers Allowance is at 10am every other Friday and I'm there promptly at 9.55am, yet I'm still kept waiting until 10.30 to sign on. It's a disgrace.
Don't they know some of us have got fucking jobs to go to?

............

I'm sick of these pop-ups Windows keeps putting on my computer saying that my copy isn't genuine.
Don't you think I knew that when I downloaded it illegally?

............

I was chatting to a girl on a dating website and during the conversation she messaged me "ROFLMAO PMSL"
I thought "Great, she's Welsh" and logged off.

............

My sister warned me the other day that the police are cracking down on illegal downloads and that I should delete all my songs just in case.
Yeah, if the cops seize my P.C, illegally downloaded music'll be the least of my worries.

.............

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what's happening.

.............

I got fired from work today for creating a photoshop picture of the boss's 15 year old daughter sucking on my eleven inch cock and emailing it to everyone in the department.
A few people thought it was funny, most were disgusted but I'm just confused.
What's Photoshop?

.............

In my physics exam today a question asked "What's the unit of power?"
I answered "Correct."

.............
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Old 18-08-2018, 05:43 PM
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Aretha Franklin arrives in Heaven and starts singing.
"R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me!"
"To you." Replied Barry Chuckle.

............

"Do you like the new dildo rail?" asked my wife
"Don't you mean dado rail?" I said
"No dildo rail, I put it up myself" she replied.

............

Wise decision to pull Bobby Madley from the Rovers game this weekend

............

I always find it quite touching that the 6 year old Bangladeshi girls who make my tee shirts always put three kisses in the label. I've still not worked out what the L means but I'm sure it is something equally cute in their custom.

............

Whose the bastard,
Whose the bastard,
whose the bastard in the black....
Labrador?

............

"Doctor, Doctor, my blood sugar levels are exceptionally high"
"How do you work that one out?" he replied
"Well every time I fart I get candyfloss in my underpants"

............

If Donald Trump truly wants a parade, all he needs to do is resign.

............

I think my smart phone is broken....
I pressed my home button but Im still at work.

............

BREAKING NEWS: A gunman has burst into the Celebrity Big Brother house and shot all of the contestants.
Victims are yet to be identified, as no one has a clue who they are.

...........

Whats Albert Einstein's rap name?
MC Squared.

...........

As the ambulance staff lifted my wife into the ambulance after her suspected heart attack, I desperately needed answers...
Like, could they release her arm from her chest just long enough for me to get the TV remote...

..........

'http://dietchef.com healthy meals delivered right to you door.'
Let's face it, if you can't be bothered to walk to the shops, you're not going to be losing weight anytime soon.

..........
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Old 19-08-2018, 05:21 PM
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As we landed in Pakistan the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"
I thought to myself how the fuck do I turn it back to the 12th century?

.............

I've just killed my best friend
I didn't mean to
All I did was give him a spoon full of sugar after his insulin
That Mary Poppins is full of fucking shit

.............

"Waking the dead"
One letter away from the most controversial TV show ever

.............

I'm not convinced these themed gifts are much good! I got a "Womble" pepper-mill...and so far everything's been underground or overground!!

.............

EXPERIENCE what it would be like to be the only one alive after the world had ended by moving to Milton Keynes!

.............

We were going through some things left to us by my wife's polish great aunt.
In it was a piece of paper written in german which read.
6 eggs,
loaf of bread
1/2 kilo sausages
50g butter
1 bar of soap
litre of paraffin oil

danke oskar.

It was another of schindlers lists.

..............

Little Bo-Peep had lost her sheep,
She phoned up Georgie Porgie,
He'd just ate his pie and said with a cry,
Ask Taffy he's having an orgy.

...............

Japanese biologists have discovered a new species of snail. Apparently they migrate by letting themselves be eaten by birds, and then they're later shat out somewhere else.
To my mind that still sounds more attractive than flying with Ryanair.

...............

If prayers worked, who would have a dick less than 8 inches?

...............

I've been drinking like a fish for 25 years, and I can honestly say I don't have a single bad memory to show for it.

...............

I viewed a house yesterday that the estate agent had advertised as having period features.
Too right.
The hall was dark and brooding, the lounge was argumentative and the kitchen was weeping uncontrollably.

...............
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Old 20-08-2018, 05:41 PM
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My uncle billy was a shit ventriloquist, he used to sit me on his knee, shove his finger up my arse and tell me to say nothing.

.............

There's been accusation of someone throwing rubbish onto the pitch at Manchester United.
A Mr Mourinho is due in court in the morning.

.............

Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword will die by the sword"
He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.

.............

"Yes..we have reservations..but we'll eat here anyway!"...what I say to every greeting waiter / waitress in a restaurant!

.............

The BBC couldn't detect a large group of paedophiles abusing kids in their own building; so I wouldn't worry much about them catching you watching the news or songs of praise on iplayer.

.............

The German Lifeguard Association has released a warning that the high number of child drownings this year is down to parents "phone fixation".
Parents and grandparents paying too much attention to their phones and not the kids in the water.
If it gets any worse we will have to employ someone whos job it is to prevent people drowning in the water...

.............

The muslim kid I went to school with was always notoriously late for everything
We called him 9/12

.............

To combat the spate and hit and run terrorists the Metropolitan Police have updated the training of their officers to look out for, ' Anyone driving in an erratic manner, who looks like they are struggling to control the vehicle and who almost hit other vehicle .'
They announced it a success as over the weekend, as they arrested 1.8 million women drivers.........and an 84 year old man visiting from Slough.

.............

Daily Mail online: “Masturbation may help prevent the common cold”
Hope so.. I’ve got no tissues left?

.............

Went round to my uncle Frank's house and found an alien mask, some Vaseline and a long metal tube in a drawer.
Suddenly that childhood memory of an alien abduction that I thought was a dream just got a whole lot scarier.

.............

I've been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately.
The most common one seems to be: "You said you'd be home from the pub three fucking hours ago!"

.............

I don't like light bulbs. Because they look like the ghosts of dead pears.

.............
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Old 21-08-2018, 05:20 PM
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The British woman who fell off the cruise ship has been named as Eileen Dover.

...............

The odds of finding a singer called Fish... Is one in a Marillion.

...............

What do you call an obese Goth?...Vampire, the buffet slayer.

...............

Sometimes I think Kate McCann could do a Lisa Stansfeild tribute act.
"Been around the world and I, I, I,
I can't find my baby. "

...............

Foreign Aid : Poor people in a rich country sending money to rich people in a poor country.

...............

Jamie Oliver accused of “cultural appropriation” over jerk dish. How does that work? He named it after himself.

...............

Women are like computers..
if they're not responding you could try rebooting them.

...............

Liverpool fans are pleased that Loris Karius is on his way to Besiktas. Although they shouldn't count their chickens just yet as the clown still has a flight to catch....

...............

My wife put a note in my pocket saying, 'iMac for my birthday please.'
Anything to keep her happy, but I think it's called Veet now.

...............

I asked a fortune teller to read my future. Suddenly, she went pale and sprinted from the room. So I grabbed the crystal ball, chased the bitch down and beat her to death.
I wonder what the fuck she saw in that thing.

...............

During my marriage I never had to pay for sex...
During my divorce I learned I was actually on the lay away plan.

...............

There's a new magazine for gay military members.
It's mainly just photos of Privates.

...............
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Old 22-08-2018, 06:43 PM
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"Your wife has given birth to a little girl but there are problems, the baby cannot suck or swallow. "
"Fuck me, only a few minutes old and she already takes after her mother. "

.............

Pretend to be a skilled pharmacist by taking half an hour to put some tablets in a fucking bag!

.............

A chip shop in Greenock, Scotland, is selling 'Britain's unhealthiest takeaway'.
It's actually a nutritious salad, but the takeaway is in Greenock so you get stabbed on your way home.

.............

Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows it.

.............

I'm on a quest around the world to find Bigfoot.
I'd originally set out to find a cheap energy supplier, but I decided to keep my goals realistic.

..............

This happened on ONTARIO RADIO LIVE:

Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario, says:
"I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto. I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance."
"That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque; thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy," and the other, a topless bar, would be called "You Mecca Me Hot."
"Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called “Iraq of Ribs."
Across the street, there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret," with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods, and on the other side, a liquor store called "Morehammered."
"All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us.”

..............

Just found out that 'Niamh' is pronounced 'Neve'
Unbeliamhable

..............

An appeal to women on behalf of men:
If you're going you write status about a 'slag who opens her legs for anyone' can you at least be decent enough to name them?
Cheers.

..............

The difference between pray and prey can be several years of therapy for an altar boy.

..............

The police claim I didn't pass my Breathalyzer.
I know for a fact I did.
It was in their car when I overtook it doing 130 mph.

..............

What do Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy and Bill Cosby have in common?
They all come after you're asleep.

..............

The right woman will make you want to be a better man.
This way she ensures she has more to take during the divorce.

..............
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Old 23-08-2018, 09:27 PM
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to all the kids that failed there GCSE's or didn't get the results they wanted 2 things to remember,
1. it's not the end of the world you can always re sit them
2. I don't like gherkins on my big Mac

..............

News: An Amazon tribe has been discovered that has had no contact with the outside world.
Will somebody ask them when my fucking parcel is being delivered.

..............

A Geordie lad pulls this girl in a Barnsley pub, they go round the back and the girl gets the Geordie's cock out and says "Eyup that's a gud'un lad"
He says "What's a gud'un bonny lass"?
She replies "It means a big one"
He puts his hand down the girls knickers and says " Whyaye, that's a canny 'un pet"
She says "What's a canny'un"?
He replies " It's a big fucking valley that loads of people have ridden through"

..............

My son rang me today, devastated because he got three nines. I said, don't be silly, that's the top score you can get, now.
Then I remembered he'd been on Germany's Got Talent.

..............

What's the difference between Donald Trump and and being near open door?
Donald Trump couldn't dodge the draft near an open door.

..............

I think churches would be much nicer places to visit if they didn't always build them in graveyards.

..............

My old dad used to say.."always be up front with everyone!"
Great man!..shit goalkeeper!

..............

"If you're a Necrophiliac and you tell someone they are dead to you, is that flirting?"

..............

Why do women blame men for the wet patch?
If you use a hose to fill a bucket and water leaks out of the bucket....would you start looking for a problem in the hose?

..............

I was telling my mate I had to dump my girlfriend now she was 16.
I carried on, "When we first got together she was 8."
He said, "You dirty fucking pervert. People like you should be locked up. I can't believe what you are telling me."
I said, "Mate, dress size is important."

..............

It's our 'health a safety officers' night out tonight.
We're going to paint the town in a hypo-allergenic red paint, but only to a height of 2 metres, therefore eliminating the need for anyone to climb unsafely or overstretch themselves.

..............
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Old 24-08-2018, 05:39 PM
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How many hookers does it take to change a President?

............

I recently tried to join the Magic Circle, but failed the interview.
They kept asking me trick questions.

............

A lady goes on vacation to Jamaica. Upon arriving she meets a black man.and after a night of passionate love making she asks him what is his name ? I can't tell you the black man said.
Every night they'd meet and every night she'd ask him again what is your name? He always responded with the same answer "i can't tell you". On her last night there she asks again 'Can you please tell me your name ? The black man responded "I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me".
"There is no reason for me to laugh at you" the lady says. Fine my name is Snow the black man replied,and the lady burst into laughter,and the black man got mad and said "I knew you would make fun of it".
The lady replied 'I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking about my husband who won't believe me when I tell him I had 10 inches of Snow everyday in Jamaica.

.............

Israel is determined to make sure the world never forgets the horrors of the Holocaust.
So they're staging an ongoing re-enactment in Palestine.

.............

Chick Flicks

The illusion: A woman meets the man of her dreams and after a struggle, they finally realise that they are meant to be together
The reality: A woman who has nothing but sex to offer in return finally gets what all women think they're entitled to for no good reason at all.

.............

I wish I had Kim Kardashian's talent of not having any talent and making money off it.

.............

I took my son to the local track to learn to ride his bike.
He soon got the hang of it when the train came...

.............

The attractive girl sat opposite me and smiled, she said. "I like to go out to eat, love going to the cinema and taking my 2 dogs for long walks. How do you like to spend your weekends?"
I stared at her for a few moments. "Is this your first time as a volunteer prison visitor?"

.............

Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer.
Better news: It's the printer in my asshole of a neighbour wife's home office... and it's currently printing 500 pages of hard core gay porn addressed to him.

.............

Top Tip!!

Office Managers, need to reduce staffing levels but can't decide who to lay off?
Have a game of musical chairs. The loser is made redundant and has already had their leaving party.

.............

The woman at the Job Centre said, "You're always late, you ignore the queue of people and you are rude to everyone."
I said, "What's your point?"
She said, "Have you ever thought of becoming a bus driver?"

............

I told my boss I couldn't make it to work because of the weather today.
"But it's sunny outside," he said.
"Exactly," I replied, cracking open a beer.

.............

My cousin, from Norfolk, posted a picture of her newborn son on Facebook.
It's got 3 thumbs.
The photo got 80.

............
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Old 02-09-2018, 09:12 PM
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just seen on the bbc website that U2's Berlin concert was cut short due to concerns over Bono's voice........surprised it's taken them 35 years to realise how shite he is at singing.

..............

BBC tonight:
Man Utd, Arsenal, Liverpool, Everton, Crystal Palace, Spurs, Wolves, Man City, Newcastle, will be on Match of the Day.
West Ham will be on Pointless.

..............

I was stood at the airport International Arrivals gate holding up my sign when security approached and asked me to leave.
"Why am I being singled out?" I asked, motioning to the other people waiting there.
"Why? Because none of them have a sign saying 'Fuck off back to your own country'. That's why."

..............

Doing reps in Ibiza is a lot more enjoyable than in the gym........

..............

I don't agree with Vodafone's advertising campaign.
It states, "Be part of the worlds largest mobile community"
Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but that's the fucking Gypsies!

..............

I said to my Scottish mate, "trapped on a desert island eight letters, starting with M"....he replied, "Marooned"
"Thanks, I'll have a pint with a chaser!"

..............

The Proclaimers lawn is getting a bit long, so they have been to a number of B&Q stores looking to buy something to cut it with.
They've been to Bathgate, no mower, Linwood, no mower, Methill, no mower, Irvine, no mower.

..............

I went to the best ever burger van today.
It was so good, it had 4 Michelin tyres.

..............

I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.

..............

Whats 12 inches long and hangs in front of an arsehole?
My manager's tie.

..............

I told my nan a joke today. It wasn’t funny, but she still pissed herself.

..............

Tonight Bear Grylls’ takes on his toughest challenge yet.
Trying to survive A Welsh girl’s hen do in Magaluf.

..............

As me and the wife headed off on a romantic holiday we talked about what kinky things we'd like to do to each other.
She said, "I've always wanted to be handcuffed."
So I planted a kilo of coke in her suitcase.

...............

I've recently started wanking in public. Everyone knows what I'm doing, but nobody dares say anything.
I love my Burka.

..............

Saw a sign at the beauty salon £50 fish spa treatment , you know the ones that eat your dead skin .
So I took my nan , it was much cheaper than getting her cremated.

..............
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Old 03-09-2018, 05:41 PM
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The wife said "you know if I ever got alzhiemers I would commit suicide, rather than burden you with me" .
I said "that's the fifth time you've said that today"

...........

MAKEUP
Because women know that men deserve better.

...........

I joined a Dating website the other day,
they asked me what i was interested in,so i wrote,
'Page 3 girls, I think they're really sexy'.
I wondered why i hadn't had any responses until i realised the letter 'P' on my keyboard wasn't working......

...........

I would like to ask, purely out of curiosity of course, if anyone else has an overwhelming desire to give Justin Bieber to Gary Glitter as a birthday present?

...........

Several Rangers were fans were hurt at the old firm derby game yesterday when they tried to scale the fence of the ground.
Police and stewards were quickly on hand though and made them get back in.

...........

For those of you who are so depressed that you can't even face getting up in the morning because of what faces you, there is good news.
Chris Evans has resigned.

..........

I opened my eyes this morning and thought I was dead, the first time for ages I've woken up and nothing hurts.

..........

Why is it that the older I get, the further away my shoelaces become?

..........

In America somewhere....
"Glock 19, Sig Sauer P938, Ruger LCP, and an AK47 in case it gets hairy out there, Lunch, and books, OK, honey, I've packed your bag, I guess we're ready for school now. "

..........

Why do doctors talk of people being 'morbidly obese'?
Surely 'hilariously obese' is more appropriate.

..........

10 people shot by active shooter in California:
No response from the President.
Conclusion:
The shooter is neither Mexican nor Muslim.

..........

What does DNA stand for?
National Association of Dyslexics

..........

My friend donates a kidney to the hospital, and he's treated like some hero.
I donate five kidneys and I get arrested...

..........

Whoever has lost an iPhone X in McDonalds today...
Please stop calling me, this is my phone now.

..........

Erik Weihenmayer, the first blind man to reach the summit of Mount Everest has said the hardest part of his climb was the last two hundred metres.
"Dragging a frozen labrador's a fucking nightmare."

..........

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies, you'd almost think it was built on thousands of Indian burial grounds.

........,.

There's no way I'd ever pay for my cremation in advance.
What if I die in a terrible fire?

..........

"Breaking News"
The inventor of the Anagram has died...may he "erect a penis"....

..........
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Old 04-09-2018, 06:33 PM
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I saw a £50 note just lying on the pier In Brighton today.
But I decided it wasn't worth risking bending over to pick it up...

............

I've surrounded my property with 3 feet tall concrete dildos.
My neighbour hates it, but his wife is on the fence.

............

Muktar singh has set the world speed record for a man on a bicycle, 110 miles an hour, in india yesterday .
He was on a level crossing when he was hit by a train.

............

I'm afraid it was my fault I was driving too fast and hit the tree.
My wife was killed instantly and I have never forgiven myself .
I went to visit a lady medium to get in touch with my wife and say how sorry I was ..after an hour the ouja board hadn't budged an inch ..nothing .
Then the medium said" that will be £100 please ".
I replied" but fuck all happened "
She replied " clearly she's still not talking to you "

............

I got my hand down my new Afghan girlfriends knickers and said" I cant seem to find your clitoris "..
She said" it's in Afghanistan buried next to my brother's foreskin ".

............

Christians: That Mohamed was a right wrong'un because he married a young girl.
Our God, who impregnated the 14 year old wife of another man without her consent, should smite him.

............

Abdul from next door was discussing why Islam was the only religion to follow, "What did Jesus ever bring into your life? " he asked me. I didn't answer, I just sat there with my glass of wine and bacon butty thinking about the new motorbike my wife had promised me for Christmas.

............

In 'The Usual Suspects' Kevin Spacey says, 'I'll probably shit blood tonight.'
A line repeated by many of the young actors he worked with.

............

Apparently 6 of the 10 biggest winning National Lottery winners have been anonymous.
I reckon the Guy Fawkes mask wearing twats have been hacking the Lotto website.

............

My girlfriend asked me if I wanted a Fitbit for Christmas.....
Well, she’s not getting any prettier

............

My psychic friend is on the Ouija Board of Directors

............

The police need to question the company that named Prams ..... iCandy

............

"You're an animal in bed!" My misses told me.
Not because I'm a good shag or anything......
She say's "It's because I snore like a fkn pig"...!!!

............

What type of blood do you give a pessimistic person?
B positive.

............

Never leave your kid in a Muslim nursery!
I only left my 2 year old daughter in one for an afternoon and now I have to pay for a wedding.

............

The Make a Wish foundation arranged for me to spend the weekend with Kanye West.
It's weird knowing that some dying kid hates me that much.

............

News: New iPhone X screen won't crack or scratch as easily.
Or as my kids put it, "Challenge accepted."

............

Remember, kids; winners don't use drugs.
Not the kind that'll show up on a urine test, anyway.

............

When I was a kid my dad would always say, "Don't forget son, never accept sweets from a stranger!"
"You're diabetic, ask for money instead"

............

Life is like a bowl of soup. You only get blown if you're hot.

............
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Old 05-09-2018, 05:37 PM
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Once when I went to see one of the Harry Potter films, I saw a dog at the cinema sat in the front row . Whenever there was a funny bit he barked. He whimpered at the sad bits and wagged his tail at the exciting bits. When it had finished, I had to talk to his owner and say how amazed I was that his dog enjoyed the film so much. His owner replied “So am I. He hates the books”

.............

Never ask a starfish for directions.........

.............

My granddad was complaining, he wished he could afford three meals a day, not worry about the gas and electric or having to pay rent or council tax. He wished he could sit down watching telly all day in the warmth and read in comfort and be secure in the knowledge someone would get him a doctor if he got ill.
I felt really sorry for him and decided to help him live his dream. So I killed my nan and framed him for the murder.

.............

Grandad always said you should always embrace your fears .
Apparently Great white sharks don't like a cuddle R.I.P Grandad.

.............

Status Quo remained true to their name as they used the exact same tune on 33 different songs.

.............

How do you make a blind woman come?
Wave a dog biscuit in the air.

.............

My sex life is like a unicorn. Horny but non-existent.

.............

I've spent weeks studying the periodic table and I still can't find the element of surprise.

.............

The Archbishop of Canterbury believes the way we run our economy is "mad".
What??
Is there anything more "mad" than the belief in the existence of an invisible, undetectable sky fairy?

.............

I was walking out of ASDA just now with my shopping when a man approached me and asked, "Would you be interested in joining the AA?" Fuck sake, just because I have 20 bottles of beer in my trolley you have me down as an alcoholic. Judgemental bastard.

.............

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.

.............

A bikini is the closest thing to a barbed-wire fence...it protects the property without obstructing any of the view.

.............

The papers report that a marksman has been hired to shoot contraceptive darts into wild horses to stop them over-breeding and destroying the landscape.
Surely he would be better employed in town centres on Friday nights.

.............

A guy from Louth has been convicted of performing an act of sexual penetration with a Staffordshire Bull Terrier.
I can sympathise with him. I've seen a picture of his girlfriend, it's an easy mistake to make.

.............
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Old 06-09-2018, 05:28 PM
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I took my wife out to dinner on our anniversary.
"Order me something that reminds you of the first time you made love to me," she cooed.
So I ordered the fish pie.

............

She asked me if I prefer legs or breasts. I said I prefer a shaved pussy and anal. That's when I got kicked out of KFC.

............

There is a good side to the housing crisis. My wife of 20 years and I have discovered that we can again make love the way we used to when we first met at age 16.
Trying not to wake her parents up who are sleeping in the next room.

............

What do you do if your cat spits at you?
Turn the grill down a bit.

............

I don’t watch Downton Abbey....
I get enough period drama with my girlfriend.

............

Poor old Jeremy Corbyn's in trouble again for choosing McAfee antivirus on his laptop.
They're accusing him of being Anti Symantec

...........

My gran just texted me what the 'video tube website' was called as she wanted to learn some new knitting patterns.
"Redtube", I replied.

...........

I deleted all Facebook friends/contacts that were born in late June- early July. Now I'm cancer free..

...........

I've had sex with hookers while serving in Kosovo, Iraq and Afghanistan.
I think I've got PTSTD.

...........

I was gutted today when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't actually mine.
She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school.

...........

My friend let slip his arsehole was hurting, and I looked at him in shock.
"No, not what you're thinking, I had my arse crack waxed" he explained.
I said, "That's even more gay than what I was thinking."

...........

The teacher asks a pretty female student:
"Name three plays by Shakespeare."
"4 inches, 8 inches and 12 inches."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Much Ado About Nothing, As You Like It and A Midsummer Night's Dream."

...........

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flushes.
Male menopause - you get to date young girls and ride motorcycles.

...........

My mates were taking the piss out of a German guy on the train, making jokes about the War and stuff.
He looked at us and said, "You know, there really is no pleasure to be gained in boasting about winning two World Wars."
How the fuck would he know?

...........
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Old 07-09-2018, 06:55 PM
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I have started a business making horror figurines.
I've just had a big order in to do a 1000 of Dracula , there are just the two of us making them, the deadline is tight so I have to make every second count.

............

Watched an action movie earlier about an inferno at a French car factory.
It starred Burnt Renaults.

............

If God really did exist, surely he would have done the decent thing and made cocks in one standard size.

............

Some girl I know posted on Facebook; "My toddler crawled under the garden fence! Lol, nails and wood will be out tomorrow!xxx"
Fucking hell, crucifixion seems a bit harsh.

............

A black guy pulled a knife on me last night.
I said, "Typical, conforming to a stereotype."
He said, "Get the fuck out of my house!"

............

I've finally finished making my authentic Japanese garden.
I'm just waiting for the earthquake, now.

............

The Labour Party.

For the many, not the Jew.

............

When I see a Maths problem, it looks like this: If I have 10 marbles and you have 11 cats, how many pancakes will fit on the roof?

............

Burt Reynolds has died.
I'm not off to the cremation or wake. It'll be smokey and the band's shit.

............

I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents. We had a lovely evening and after she'd gone, my dad leaned over and said, "Son, I think this one's a keeper."
"Awww dad, what makes you say that?"
"She smells of elephant shit!"

............

I went to see a psychic and she said, "There's something brewing."
I said, "Beer?"
She glared and snarled, "No, something very evil."
I replied, "Non-alcoholic beer?"

............

My wife and I decided to not have children.
The kids are pretty upset.

............

My Maths teacher told me two negatives make a positive.
So I told her she's fat and ugly.

............

As a High School Teacher, I have to be very careful when role playing with my Wife
I'm always the sexy school girl-so it doesn't get weird

............

I love my new job as a Suicide Watch Officer at Birmingham prison.
Day three and I've been summoned into the Governors office.
I think I'm going to get promotion already.
So far I've watched 4 prisoners commit suicide.

............

The Wife asked, "Do I look good in this" as she twirled around the bedroom in her new frock.
"The only thing you look good in is the fucking distance" Was probably Not the best reply.

...........

Some guy told me I was ''Flying Low'' this morning, I just ignored him.
68 civilian deaths and a suspension without pay later, I'm thinking that I really should take more notice of my Co-Pilot.

...........

"I made a new discovery at work today," I said to my wife with a chuckle.
"You've worked at Land Rover for a week, and that joke's already wearing thin," she groaned.

...........

I've just found a photo of me sucking my mums tit.
That was one seriously fucked up party last night.

...........

I was almost arrested for suspicion of having child porn on my phone.
"Cheeky cunt" I said to the police "They're pictures of my own dick"

..........,

I went to a tattooists and asked for a celtic band on my arm, He did a picture of the Pogues.

...........
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Old 08-09-2018, 05:11 PM
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I was chatting up a girl and she asked me, "What do you like doing?"
"Stalking women that I fancy," I replied, smiling.
"Haha, you're funny," she said. "I enjoy long walks and relaxing in a bubble bath."
"I know," I replied.

.............

If Theresa May does Boris Johnson’s divorce, he’ll end up with a huge settlement and still be married afterwards.

............

Looks like Boris Johnson is about to learn the benefits of the single market.

............

The most remarkable thing about the Salisbury attack is that the 2 Russian hit-men relied on the Sunday rail service to get them from Waterloo to Salisbury and then back in to Heathrow in one day!
No sane Brit would have tried such an outlandish gamble.

............

My wife said she's leaving me because apparently I'm an annoying bastard...
... I almost choked on my vuvuzela!!

............

I'm trying to recycle my plastics bin but they just keep emptying it and putting it back!

............

My mate had one of his testicles removed today after finding a lump.
That's how serious he is about mashed potato.

............

Scotland 0 Belgium 4. The scoreline could have been worse but the Belgium team coach didn't arrive until the 72nd minute due to heavy traffic in Glasgow.

............

Cleaning Services, beware, my buddy just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to vacuum the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

............

The Top 5 Jeremy Kyle Movies are:

1.Snow White and the 7 possible fathers. .
2. Alice in Poundland...
3. She cheated on you me an Dupree..
4. Cheaper by the Cousin...
5. The Devil wears Primark...

............

Dad always said you should hold onto the things you love and never let go .
Unfortunately he was a keen collector of hand grenades.

............
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