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Old 22-12-2011, 05:28 PM
Nik Nik is offline
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Default Health & safety at Christmas

The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is not appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a cellular blanket or micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.
Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A full risk assessment must be submitted before any open sleigh can be considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must take into consideration whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if conditions are icy and passengers are of larger proportions.
Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields.
To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, laughter should be of moderate duration and volume only - not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and a full investigation will be conducted with disciplinary action to follow against those found guilty of this offence. Sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The SPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry. Also included is guidance regarding the number and frequency of rest breaks per four hour plodding period, along with feeding and liquid refreshment breaks.
Please note when carrying out the risk assessment for plodding in a dusty environment, that Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles that may arise as a result of their travel. Also that the donkey may be distressed at being labelled 'little' and you should consider the appropriateness of comment upon his height or lack thereof as this may be an infringement of his equine rights. We recommend he is simply referred to as Mr. Donkey.

We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. We suggest a simple alternative would be a gift voucher, to be redeemed later at the recipientís convenience, or to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipientís name.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely only on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of a routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption.
Please note as per the guidelines from the SPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Suitable eye protection should be provided for the three kings due to the high risk presented by camel spit containing grit, olive pits, date stones, and other foreign objects.

While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without a full risk assessment having been conducted for their seating arrangements. Therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs must be made available.
Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should have the option of watching their flocks via cctv from properly heated and insulated observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Away in A Manger No Crib for a bed
This is definitely one for child welfare services.
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Old 22-12-2011, 05:32 PM
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mick2 mick2 is offline
Type like a Twat Me...
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: carnoustie, scotland
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lol good good
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