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  #1381  
Old 09-02-2018, 06:58 PM
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I had my lunch outside a supermarket yesterday, or as the Italians call it...
"Al Tesco"

.................

Last night I bought an alcoholic ginger beer.
He wasn't happy about it.

.................

Morrison's are doing a Valentine's Day Meal Deal for one this year.
It's a 9" Pizza, a litre of Vodka, and 48 Paracetomal.

.................

Everyone is going on about how well Kylie Jenner did to hide her child for that long.
I think Gerry and Kate McCann won that one.

.................

the Winter Olympics: giving white people a chance to win at sports that no black people can afford to learn.

.................

My girfriend has been working out a lot recently.
For instance, today she worked out that I've been shagging her sister.

.................

Camila Parker Bowles goes into the butchers and says "You've got a horses head in the window?"
The butcher says "That's a mirror".

.................

As a child my parents played Madness & The Specials all day every day.
It was horrendous.
They proper Ska'd me for life !!!

.................

Wife asked her Husband for £10,000 to get a Gastric band fitted
He said "Here's a fiver, get a padlock for the Fridge"

.................

Donald Trump's wife has offered to give up her pubic hair, so Husband, Donald can have a much needed transplant.
A top American Surgeon said,"This is a first; we've never transplanted hair from one cunt to another, before".

.................

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  #1382  
Old 10-02-2018, 09:37 PM
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When a woman says, "we need to talk"
Why is it never about football?⚽

.................

First rule of Thesaurus Club...
You don't talk, converse, discuss, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gab, gossip or natter about Thesaurus Club.

.................

A man is walking home with his nine year old son, when the boy asks "Dad, what are those little boxes on the back of all those satellite dishes?
His father replies "Council houses son."

.................

Why are there no mods in Syria?
Who the fuck, would ride a slow, Italian scooter through the streets of Damascus with a target on their back?

.................

Didn't realise my mate was so knowledgeable about Korean Ice Skaters.
He told me he was looking forward to seeing Poon Tang in the Ladies Singles.

.................

That awkward moment when you phone your child and tell her how proud you are of her.
On Babestation.

.................

Definition of irony:
Advertising the opening of a sperm bank with the words " coming soon".

.................

I like to give most of my money to charity...
I work for Oxfam and charity is my favourite hooker.

.................

The four ISIS 'Beatles' are all now either dead or in custody.
An ISIS spokesman said they will be succeeded by a new act, Taking Heads.

.................

I was minding communications at base when I got a call on the radio from Lance Corporal Sanders...
I said, "Sanders, you're breaking up!"
"Hold on a minute," he replied, "Let me try something...... How about now?"
"No, it's no good, " I told him, "your wife's still leaving you."

.................

I call my wife Bambi, she thinks its because she's cute with big brown eyes.
Actually it's because I would like someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.

.................

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  #1383  
Old 11-02-2018, 12:54 PM
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As I lay in bed I was gently nodding off when I felt a warm hand slip inside my boxer shorts and gently start to caress my balls. It was very nice, but I wasn't in the mood. "Not tonight" I said "I'm tired."
"It fucking doesn't quite work like that in here" said my cellmate.

..................

My mate said, 'Who's your favourite solo artist?'
I replied, 'The Bee Gees'.

..................

This Valentine's Day, I will almost certainly be inundated.
Sorry. *In, undated.

..................

2 Yanks are on holiday in Amsterdam and visit a brothel. "Have you got a fat bird with no teeth, a heroin addiction and a minge like a vandalised bus seat?" they ask...."Fuck you boy's are really kinky".. says the madam..
"Are we fuck" they say "We're just looking for our mum!"

..................

My Hotdog stall at the Winter Olympics is going well.

..................

Did you hear about the Irishman who thought that a cortisone injection was a sports car.

...................

I got a call on the radio from the head of my battalion, he said, "we're under heavy fire, we need more ammo."
"Hang in there, " I told him, " I'm only a few clicks away! "
Unfortunately, they all died before I could get there, but I wasn't going anywhere until I'd completed that rubix cube.

..................

I got a call from my sister in Australia yesterday. She told me my nephew has got himself addicted to heroin.
He's really shot up since I last saw him.

..................

Having a fetish is nothing to be ashamed of, unless your fetish is being totally humiliated then you are a dirty little pervert.

..................

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  #1384  
Old 12-02-2018, 03:17 PM
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What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.

.................

FACT

If humans stood in a single file line around the equator, most of them would drown.

.................

Paddy got a job as a Bus Driver and on his first morning he just sat at the Depot waiting.
The Bus Inspector came over to see and asked what the problem was.
Paddy said, "l'm waiting for the Ticket Conductor."
The Bus Inspector informed him that all the Buses were now One Man Buses.
So Paddy drives off in the Double Decker Bus.
Twenty minutes later there is a call to the depot "one of your buses has been involved in a traffic accident."
The Bus Inspector goes down to the Crash and there is Paddy and the Wrecked Bus.
Bejesus Paddy, "How did this happen?" Asked the Bus Inspector.
Paddy shrugged his shoulders, and said.....
"Fucked if I know. l was Upstairs collecting the Fares at the time."

..................

My wife came into my shed yesterday, "you're wasting your time and money on all these inventions!'' She said. It was at this point that the Slap-a-Twat-automatic 3000 proved her wrong.

..................

I bought a 24ct gold necklace the other day, but when I put it on my skin started going a funny blue colour, so I suspected it was fake.
Turns out it was a bracelet.

..................

I met Prince Harry earlier at a civic function. Although things got a bit confusing when I invited him to take part in my triathlon charity event by asking, “Sir, how would you like to enter a mixed race?”
He gave me a wink and said, “I already have mate, I already have ....”

..................

The Irish have an easy way of telling the difference between an apple, and an orange.
There is no such thing as an apple bastard.

..................

My wife's into S&M.
She sleeps, I masturbate

..................

God how I hated school in the 80s
"Sir, I've forgotten my bag"
"You'll have to do the lesson in your underwear then, boy!"
Worst History teacher ever!

..................

I farted earlier in the classroom and 4 people turned round....
......I thought I was on The Voice.

..................

Knock Knock
Who's there?
One Direction.
One Direction who?
Oh well that's show business.

..................

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  #1385  
Old 13-02-2018, 09:08 PM
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Happy Pancake Day!!
Tossers!

......................

My business making clothes out of cheese has gone bust...
Turns out that fromage frays.

......................

Donald is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun. A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"
Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous.
I meant to shout "Donald, duck!"

......................

Who understands Roman Numerals?
I for one.

......................

Everyone has a little racism in them, unless you're a Conservative, then it's a bit like money,
you probably have more than you need.

......................

IS have already recruited a new group to replace the Beatles....There called Jihadiwaddy.

......................

During my girlfriends labour, the nurse came up to us and said, "How about Epidural Anaesthesia?"
"Thank you, that's a great idea." I replied. "But we've already picked a name."

......................

Have we all somehow forgotten the real meaning of St. Pancake's Day?

......................

A wealthy Arab Sheikh was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "
Aye laddie, but I have Scottish blood in ma veins now".

.........................

Pancake Day is over-commercialised these days.
Eggs, flour and milk have been in the shops for months.

.........................

A Conservative MP walks into a library and asks for a book on irony, The librarian replies, "Sorry but no, this is Pawn shop, you closed all the libraries...."

.........................

That 500kg German WW II bomb causing havoc near the City Airport in London, why not repatriate it back to Germany ?
I understand the Battle of Britain Memorial Flight is currently looking for more flight training time.

.........................

I'm so successful with the ladies, a TV documentary has been made about my numerous conquests.
Although they didn't call it a documentary. They called it a "series of reconstructions".

.........................

Arm-wrestling.
Two men sitting close together across a table holding hands, grunting and sweating , while staring into each others cum face.

.........................
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Last edited by Sir Ewok; 13-02-2018 at 10:01 PM.
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  #1386  
Old 14-02-2018, 01:32 PM
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I splashed out on some new lingerie in Ann Summers.
Now the assistant says I have to pay for it.

...............

Just noticed the wife is wearing her sexy underwear today!
This can only mean one thing...
She’s behind with the washing!

................

Wife rang "Three girls in my office just received flowers, they're absolutely gorgeous"
I said "That's probably why they received flowers"

................

I've been getting a Valentine's card from the same secret admirer for the past 20 years.
So I was sad not to get one this year.
First my Gran dies and now this!

................

Jeremy Hunt announces new plan to reduce burden on NHS by asking Daniel Sturridge to retire.

................

I was showing an American colleague who was over on a business conference the sights, "Wow, " he said, "I can't believe how small and compact everything is. Your cars, your buildings, your TV's even your food portions. " He said. Then I introduced him to my wife. That shut him up.

................

Valentine's Day.
A day where you can find both single men and women with a box of tissues and a film.

................

Awwwwwww Valentines is so romantic, someone has left lots of flowers on a lampost by the busy main road, must be where they first met.

................

I woke up this morning with a one pound coin stuck up my arse.
I must have been completely trollied last night.

................

Roses are dead. Love is fake. Weddings are basically funerals with cake.

................

My mornings play out like a nursery rhyme
Hump
Tea
Dump
Tea

...............

You can't please some women. I bought my wife 250 flowers for Valentine's Day.
So what if they spell out 'Grandad'

...............

It’s not often you find the perfect match on Valentine’s Day.
But Real Madrid v PSG tonight looks pretty fucking good.

...............

I just got 34 valentines cards, I'm totally shocked & breathless.
That security guard in Clinton's gave quite a chase.

...............

As I was snorting cocaine off Kelly Brook’s tits, whilst having my cock sucked by Megan Fox on a beach in Hawaii, I thought ...
Where the fuck has it all gone wrong?

...............

Well pleased - just went down to my local cheapo store and got a cut-price copy of a Mott The Hoople album.
Aldi Young Dudes.

...............

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  #1387  
Old 15-02-2018, 10:02 PM
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I gave blood earlier today.
I know it’s not the usual sort of thing you give your wife on Valentine’s Day, but it came from the heart.

................

Do Americans use the metric system?
Yes....they use 9mms at school.

................

For Dads .. Fathers Day
For Mothers .. Mothers Day
For Lovers .. Valentines Day

but for Wankers .. Palm Sunday

................

It's getting like Ethiopia in some parts of America.
The kids never get old.

................

What's orange, 25 metres long and smells of kebab?
The queue for the morning after pill in Chelmsford today.

................

I remember the first time i had sex.
As she unzipped my jeans and pulled out my cock she said, "Is that all you've got?"
I said, "Yeah, why, how many cocks did you expect me to have?”

................

I dunno why women are always bragging about being able to multi-task.
It's really just a side effect of their complete inability to make up their mind.

................

Going to school in America?
It's safer to go on your holidays in Syria.

................

"'Outcast' charged as Trump reacts to school massacre."
They're sorry Ms. Jackson. They never meant to make your daughter cry.

................

Guns don’t kill people.
Americans with guns kill people.

................

Roses are red,
and fucking expensive,
buy guns instead,
and launch an offensive

................

I'm as broke as the Tooth Fairy in a meth den!

................

With all the talk of suicide prevention this week, I want to say to everyone that's having a bad time.....
........ hang in there.

................

My wife asked me how she compared with past girlfriends?...
...So I told her she was the only one I had been with!..
... The others were all eights and nines.

................

My wife sent me to the local health food shop to buy some vegetarian sausages.
The woman behind the counter said "Do you want Linda McCartney's?"
I said: "Won't they be stale? She's been dead since 1998".

................

What’s has arms and often goes under a desk?
An American schoolkid.

................

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  #1388  
Old 16-02-2018, 09:47 PM
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"Does this uniform make me look fat?"
Insecurity Guard

..............

"Can I have a pack of condoms?"
I asked the pharmacist..
"A small box?" she asked..
"I hope so!" I replied.

..............

Sick & tired of hearing these Olympic athletes say "how much work they've put in & the sacrifices they've made"
What do they want?..
A fucking medal?

...............

I bumped into J K Rowling yesterday so I asked her about Harry's father and she thinks it's James Hewitt too!

...............

Nowadays when you see a news report saying smoke has been seen coming from the Sistine Chapel, you don't know whether the Pope has died or he's just torching his hard drive.

...............

I'm not saying staff at my local Tesco are inept, but I've used self checkout twice and I've already been named Employee of the Month!!

...............

"Come into the bedroom, and I'll show you a good time" I said to the wife. When she came in I showed her pictures of me and my mates before we got married.

...............

What have to Florida shooter and Barry Bennell got in common?
They both unloaded on to unsuspecting teenagers.

...............

You've got to give Barry Bennell some credit, he's the most prolific attacker that Manchester City have ever seen.

...............

Sperm Donor
Worst kebab you'll ever try

...............

London News Headlines: A man spends 3 days trapped in London sewer after he falls down drain. He wandered through the pipelines for up to 72 hours desperately trying to get out. When he was finally rescued and realised he'd wandered into Romford, he asked his rescuers if they would kindly put him back.

...............

In Australia, not even SPF50+ protects you from all the harmful rays.
Just ask Steve Irwin.

...............

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  #1389  
Old 17-02-2018, 10:10 PM
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Lizzie Yarnold takes Team GB’s first gold medal of the Winter Olympics and becomes double Olympic champion and immediately thanks David Beckham for his great input of how to ride a skeleton over the years.

..................

The Irish bobsleigh team at the Winter Olympics are refusing to race until the course has been gritted!

..................

I can't believe the racist tone of some of BBC commentators at the Winter Olympics.
Just heard one saying" and now over to the slopes for some skiing action"

..................

I'm setting up a help group for bike riders who ignore red lights.
Please fell free to join Cyclists Unable to Notice Traffic Signals.

..................

My 5 year old son just asked me what a 'Cunt' is.
"Don't ever say that word again." I said firmly. "It's a very naughty word. It's another word for a vagina."
"Daddy, what's a vagina?" He asked.
"Erm. Well, it's something very special." I told him.
"Oh that's good." He answered. "I heard Mummy talking about you to her friends today and she thinks you're something very special."

..................

Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.
Terrible joke. Only three stars.

..................

Former UNICEF consultant Peter Newell, a leading children's rights campaigner who led an anti-smacking campaign, has been jailed for raping a 13-year-old boy.
What a fucking hypocrite. Told the rest of us not to give children a sore arse.

..................

If crime doesn't pay how come the police get wages?

..................

For those of you who voted for Brexit, you will be pleased to know that thanks to today's earthquake, we are now 2cm further away from Europe.

..................

The United States of America
The only country in the world, where Man v. Food is advertised as a diet show.

..................

My ex-wife just texted me, "Guess what, I now know what a real dick is like."
I replied, "Yeah, I've seen you with him."

..................

I just passed a skinhead on the street, who told me he was on his way 'to torch that place where all them kiddy-fiddlers hang out, hiding behind their so-called religion'.
So as soon as I get home I'm calling Father O'Malley to warn him.

.................

I said to my mate in the pub, “It could well be fight of the year tonight.”
“Oh! You mean Groves v Eubank Junior?” he interrupted.
“No mate”, I sighed, looking down at my new text message.
- "The wife’s just found out I've been shagging her sister.”

................

Six Sigma is by far the most useless martial art.
There was a bloke down the pub last night time boasting about having a black belt in it. Wiped the floor with him.

................

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  #1390  
Old 18-02-2018, 09:50 PM
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"Have you ever seen a dinosaur? have you any proof they existed? The so called relics can easily be man made, " said Father O'Malley.
"Have you ever seen God? have you any proof he exists? religions can easily be man made, " I replied.

.................

"You have to tell me the truth," my barrister said. "It doesn't matter to me if you're guilty or not, I just don't want to be surprised in court."
"OK, I raped and murdered those prostitutes." I admitted.
"Interesting, but can we get back to this shoplifting charge please?"

.................

A war hero is walking along the street dragging his right leg along the pavement due to an old war injury. As he's walking he sees another man coming towards him dragging his right leg along the pavement aswell. As he's passing this man he points down to his foot and says "Vietnam, 45 years back". The other guy points down at his foot and replies "Dog shit, 45 feet back!"

.................

Why are teenagers like earthquakes?
They both get felt in Swansea on a Saturday.

.................

A man hates his wife"s cat so much he drives to the next town and dumps it.
When he gets home, it"s there.
Next day he drives 50 miles and dumps it.
When he gets home, it"s there.
So the next day he drives to the other side of the country and dumps it.
One hour later he rings his wife and asks, "is the cat home?"
"Yes, why?" asks his wife."
Put the cunt on," he says, "I"m fucking lost."

..................

I paid off all my gambling debts, it only took me a second...
mortgage.

..................

What has only one finger and is very demanding ?
A Ransom Note.

..................

As soon as I got my cock out, my one night stand said:
“That looks like a bit of a monster doesn’t it?”
“Really?” I smiled, “I didn’t think it was that big.”
“It’s not” she replied, “it’s fucking green.”

..................

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  #1391  
Old 19-02-2018, 08:47 PM
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I'm not saying my last girlfriend was a bit of a slag,
But, when I first met her, she had a higher sperm count than me.

..................

I went to visit my son not long after he had been sent down to prison. When I saw him, I was shocked to see he now had two "teardrop" tattoos under each of his eyes, and also the word "KILLER" inked in huge letters on his forehead.
"I guess the new tattoos are a bit shocking, huh dad," he said to me.
"You stupid cunt," I said to him, "You've ruined your fucking life."
"Sorry dad," he replied, "If it's about the tattoos, I just wanted to not get fucked with in here and maybe even one day be top dog in prison."
"Top dog in prison !" said to him, "You're serving one month for cheating on benefits. How the fuck will you get a job now ?"

..................

I've got a Crystal Meth Lab.
He's a fucking nightmare to walk.

..................

Harley-Davidson began as a sewing machine company, which explains why they often leave their riders in stitches.

..................

So I’m at a Sushi restaurant and they ask me what I want.
I tell them I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
And now I know what Basashi is.

..................

I once won silver for curling and bronze for the Bob ... yet hairdresser of year still eludes me.

..................

I was watching the FA Cup highlights there and I just bumped into my TV and Dele Alli fell over.

..................

I got my fathers double chin, receding hairline and big stick out ears....
...It was the strangest will reading I've ever attended.

..................

The first time I saw Back to the Future, it was at a cinema in Norwich.
As I was watching, I thought "Oh my God, he's going to fuck his mum !"
Thankfully though, before they were actually able to do it, the usher came and chucked them both out.

..................

The inventor of the jigsaw puzzle died today.
His wife is said to be in 1500 pieces.

..................

This bloke just came in my workplace shouting “Vodka, tequila, sambuca!”
I said “Hey! I call the shots round here!”

..................

People tell me that my grammar stinks...
What do they expect? She’s 89.

..................

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Old 20-02-2018, 07:23 PM
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The RSPCA have said I can’t keep my pet dolphin in the bath.
Apparently it’s not fit for porpoise.

.................

A bad football team is like an old bra, no cups and very little support.

.................

They say that football is a game of 2 halves.
Not for me though.
I can get through at least 6 pints.

.................

I said to the wife, "it's my birthday tomorrow so why don't we try something from the Kama Sutra?"
"Lovely," she said, "I'll have the Chicken Biryani."

..................

If DHL are delivering to KFC restaurants, perhaps the chicken is behind their bins?

..................

My Grandfather had Parkinson's disease.
He could never stop interviewing people.

..................

If we manage to convince the Chinese that Jihadists' testicles are aphrodisiacs, within ten years they'll have disappeared...

..................

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To strut past the closed KFC.

..................

One day a Rochdale blind man went to visit a brothel for the first time. Because he couldn't see the ladies who were on offer he ended up with a pox ridden old hag. When they got to their room upstairs they both undressed and got into bed. As he ran his hand over her spotty arse he recoiled in horror. "It's okay" she said "It's just a bit of acne"
"Thank God for that" he replied "I thought it was the price list"

..................

One of my mates has told me he's gay! Although not in so many words ... said he watched the figure skating with his mum last night.

..................

Kirsty Sharman needs to pray that she doesn't need the services of the Stoke ambulance service in the next few years.

..................

Couldn't get the wife her hormone replacement therapy medication today ... KFC were bloody shut.

..................

I’ve just lost my job at Argos.
I was only offering some Jewish pensioner some advice as I told him he was missing a number from the code he had seemed to write on his arm.

..................

BIG SHOUT OUT to the partially deaf....

..................

Why would anyone trust their mental health to someone whose professional title is Psycho the rapist?

..................

Midgets don't like being called Midgets...
And they really REALLY don't like being called "People McNuggets"

..................

I just won 10 million on the lottery and gave my brother a new home....
....it was the box from my new 70 inch TV.

..................

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Old 21-02-2018, 07:20 PM
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I went into a vegan restaurant as I was told the menu was quite tasty.
Well to be fair, it was a bit cardboardy, but it was still better than any of the shit that was on it.

..................

Does anyone know if Oxfam are recruiting?

..................

KFC Runs Out Of Chicken.
Must be a slow news day. Now if I ever see the headline Chicken Runs Out Of KFC, I'll pay some attention.

..................

“Our Grandparents fought Nazis so we could be called Nazis for believing what our Grandparents believed.”

..................

The woman at the job centre said, "You're always late, you ignore the queue and you are really rude."
I said, "What's your point?"
She said, "Have you thought of becoming a bus driver?"

..................

My missus has just taught the car a new trick, she got it to roll over yesterday.

..................

Did you know ... the letter H looks like a Frenchman in the war.

..................

Brexit to cost £2 million a week
Jose Mourinho wants to sign him for Manchester United.

..................

I don't know what all the fuss is with arranged marriages, I spent 6 months arranging mine and it went alright.

..................

I took a dip in the pool earlier.
Stupid really, as I got a load of water in my hummus.

..................

"'Dirty meat': Shocking hygiene failings discovered in US pig and chicken plants"
I don't believe anything this newspaper says. How are we expected to take them seriously when they think a chicken is a plant?

..................

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints.

..................

The new Justin Bieber video has amazing 3D.
It's almost like you could just reach out and punch him.

..................

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Old 23-02-2018, 07:19 PM
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Two men were arrested for masturbating in my local newsagents...
It was all over the papers.

..................

I don't mind coming to work on a Friday but the eight hour wait to go home is a bitch!

..................

Might wake up early and go for a jog.
Might also win the lottery... odds are about the same.

..................

Just rang the local restaurant..
"Hello, Do you do takeaways?"
"Yes"
"What's 157 - 73?"

..................

Disgusted to hear that despite of the recent fiasco of DHL failing to deliver KFC products that they have now gone and won the Cadburys contract, great timing just before Easter!
Problem is they now don't know what to deliver first.. The chicken or the egg!

..................

I perfected my time machine and couldn't wait to try it out, so I set it for 100 years into the future, when I got there I couldn't believe it it, flying cars, no illness, no wars or hunger, the world was finally at peace.
Oh, and Liverpool still haven't won the league.

..................

Republican lawmakers in the USA say they are trying to 'bring prayer back into our schools'.
As a secular atheist, you might think I'd be against this, but you'd be wrong.
If I were a schoolkid in America I'd spend all fucking day praying that no-one shot me.

..................

In response to Donald Trumps suggestion of arming teachers with guns to prevent shootings, US fire departments are to have their hoses replaced with flamethrowers.

..................

'Don't bite your nails mate, it's a nasty habit'
'Fuck you, pull them out!', screamed Jesus.

..................

Hedgehogs and badgers must be the laziest fucking animals in the world.
All they seem to do is sleep at the side of the road.

..................

Shooting deaths in America:
If the shooter is Muslim, it's "keep the fuckers out of the country"
If the shooter is Mexican, it's "build a fucking wall"
If the shooter is black, it's "we need more fucking coppers"
If the shooter is white, it's "thoughts and prayers"

..................

Sky News: " Britain soon to ban Plastic Straws "
Typical. Americans are holding onto their AR-15s , while we give up our pea-shooters.

..................

I've just heard that my best mate is in hospital this morning with a sports related injury.
That's what happens when you don't pay your bookie.

..................

Will you miss me?’ is a good way to bid farewell to a firing squad.

..................

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Old 24-02-2018, 06:18 PM
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Just bought a Lord of The Rings themed kitchen.
My wife especially loves the hob bit.

................

Why do men twist their wedding rings?
They're trying to work out the combination.

................

A group of women were watching the children playing in the park,
"My, they grow up so quick, " said one of the mothers.
"Not ours, " said the American mother.

................

The wizard of Oz.
A film about two women fighting over a pair of shoes.

................

I hear the factory worker at Pepsi got the sack....
....he tested positive for coke.

................

I just got a new personal best in the 100 metres sprint....
....73 metres.

................

Stephen Fry's Doctor has given him the"All Clear"
It won't help with the cancer but at least he'll be dandruff free.

................

I bought my Italian boss a present ....
A tie with a large eye printed on it ....
And that my friends, is how you do subtle racism.

................

Arming teachers? I don't think so. They did enough damage when they had canes.

................

I once dated a girl who wrote mystery novels, but it didn't last.
Her hand jobs always ended with a surprise twist.

................

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Old 25-02-2018, 07:16 PM
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How much do Cockney's pay for shampoo?
Pantene

...................

After my prostate examination the doctor left, then the nurse came in & whispered 3 words that no man wants to hear "who was that?"

...................

How to work out your twat name...
Take your first name and replace it with Donald.
Now take your surname and replace it with Trump.

...................

I just asked my wife if she fancied a takeaway?
She said, "Are you talking Chinese?".
I said, "No, did it sound Chinese?".

...................

The speed at which a women says 'nothing' when asked 'what's wrong?' is inversely proportional to the severity of the on coming storm.

...................

If having a bad night’s sleep gives you bags under your eyes,
Can only assume Theresa May kips in a fucking phone box.

...................

According to the doctors at the intensive care unit, when your wife has been brutally gang-raped and is on her death bed, taking her hand and looking into her eyes before whispering, 'Were they bigger than me?' is considered in poor taste.

...................

Pablo Escobar taking a picture in front of the White House whilst being a wanted drug lord is the level of fucks I aspire to not give.

...................

A big freeze is on its way this week
Wife's found out I’ve hired a busty secretary.

...................

I told my boss, “Sorry but there are certain lines I’m just not prepared to cross.”
He said, “Ok fine ... You're sacked from this football team.”

...................

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Old 26-02-2018, 06:21 PM
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I think we're in for a bad spell of wether.

....................

My new girlfriend really takes my breath away.
She's inflatable.

....................

I've decided to paint all my clothes rather than buy new ones.
Just finished the second coat.

....................

American teachers will now be armed with 9mm Glocks.
Librarians will be issued silencers.

.....................

Why is it, when girls wear skimpy, revealing bikinis on holiday, they don't mind you staring at them?
Yet if you catch them wearing only their bra and knickers, they scream and shout and cover themselves up with a towel?
Sort it out Ladies.
I didn't climb up this fucking ladder for the good of my health you know.

.....................

Fifteen years ago, the wife got a tattoo of a unicorn on her tit.
Now it looks like a giraffe with a brain tumour.

.....................

I said to my wife, "If you lick my balls I'll come."
She said, "Fuck off, you're going shopping with me, whether you like it or not."

.....................

Saw an old French bloke struggling in the street earlier. So I went up to him and said, “Do you need any help, mate?”
Curtly he replied, “No thanks, I can manage.”
I said, “That 3-0 mauling by Man City would suggest otherwise.”

.....................

Got my test results back today - negative - phew.
What is IQ anyway?

.....................

Don't you hate it when you wake up from a night on the piss, look in the mirror and see the words " I LOVE COCK " written on your forehead? Especially when you've been drinking alone at home!

.....................

Instead of spending tax payers money on jailing failed suicide bombers why not spend a little more by strapping their sorry arses to a tomahawk cruise missile and deporting them straight back to whatever shitty hole they came from.

.....................

A Broward County deputy walks into a bar...at least he got a shot

.....................

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Old 27-02-2018, 07:41 PM
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Have you been hit with a rhythm stick!
You may be entitled to personal Ian Dury

.................

A guy goes to the golf club for his first lesson.
The professional shows him how to hold and swing his Club and address the ball.
They then proceed to the first tee where the hole is a 350 Yard par 3.
"Right", says the pro, "Hit the ball as close as you can to the flag".
The guy takes a huge swing and lands the ball about 4 inches from the cup.
"What do I do now", he asks.
"You knock it into the hole", says the pro.
"Why the fuck didn't you tell me that when we were on the tee".

..................

Going to Subway is like seeing a prostitute.
You pay somebody else to do your wife’s job.

..................

Top tip ...
When visiting a professional dominatrix refuse to pay her.
Then she’ll kick the shit out of you
... and it’ll all be free.

[Sent from my hospital bed]

..................

I was standing at a urinal in the gents yesterday when this bloke in a wig and a dress stood at the one next to me and started staring at me. I was just about to rant what a perverted disgusting mentally ill abomination to society he was, but I thought, no rise above it. So I just wiped my arse and left.

..................

I had a review at the Benefits Office today.
The interviewer said, "It says here you're registered as an alcoholic."
"That's right," I replied, "it's a crippling disability."
"Would you say you're really disabled enough to be claiming benefits, though?"
"Damn right. I can't even take twelve steps, for fuck's sake."

...................

When the wife said ‘the beast from the east has arrived’ I nearly had a fucking heart attack.
Her mother lives in Norfolk.

...................

If I had a pound for every time I thought about my wife,
I'd probably start thinking about her.

...................

My dick is a lot like Marmite.
My wife hates it when I rub it on her toast.

...................

Me and the wife decided to make our own sex tape.
She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.

...................

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Old 28-02-2018, 06:12 PM
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❄ I know they say Christmas gets earlier every year, but this is fucking ridiculous❄❄

..................

All I heard in my house this morning was, "Yeeeeees! It's snowing, I don't have to go to school! I can stay at home and watch TV all day."
I wish my wife would take teaching more seriously.

..................

After I won the local pub quiz last night two gorgeous blondes came over to me.
The first one said, "We find intelligent men incredibly hot and sexy."
The second blonde said, "Do you know what three way is?"
I replied, "Yes, it's the name of the dog in Hart to Hart."
Dumb blondes will need a better quiz question than that if they want to get the better of me, I thought smugly to myself as I left the pub!

..................

Travellers are being urged not to make unnecessary journeys over the coming few days.
In other words, stay in your caravans.

..................

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Don't fuck around, Buzz. Who the fuck do you think it is?"
" Oh Sorry, Neil."

..................

You know it's cold when you have to use your wife's hair straighteners to hold your cock while taking a piss.

..................

I fingered my wife good and proper last night.
Phoned the police and told them she’d been shoplifting.

..................

They've just commissioned the latest speed camera technology on the M25.
What a fucking waste of public money.
They would rake it in if they introduced parking fines.

..................

Donald Trump says he'd face a psychopathic shooter without a gun.
Old bone spur is now orange, pity he was yellow during the Vietnam War!

..................

While having breakfast this morning I heard an advert on the radio that said, "Work smarter, not harder."
So I phoned in sick.

..................

I've got one of those lighters with a pink flame.
I use it to start camp fires.

..................

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Old 01-03-2018, 07:33 PM
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What’s white, cold and unstable?
A bi-polar bear

...............

Wrote a play about weather, we had 5 actors dressed as clouds for the rehearsal.
On opening night 6 clouds turned up..
It was overcast!

...............

Like Charles Dickens' other novels, "A Tale of Two Cities" was originally published in serial form, in this case in two local newspapers.
It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.

...............

If you’re the one who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will make you pay.
You have my Word.

...............

Fuck me it's that cold a woman who has just dropped her kid off at school was wearing two pairs of pyjamas.

...............

The Tories Are A Lot Like The Snow
It Covers Everything Up & Lies Everywhere.

...............

Mick goes to visit Paddy and finds him building a brick wall in his living room.
“Bejesus Paddy!” Said Mick. “What the feck is going on?”
“It’s because of the snow,” replied Paddy.
“But what’s snow got to do with you building a brick wall in your living room?” asked Mick.
“I’m working from home,” said Paddy.

...............

I love my work in the job centre. I've just sent an epileptic for a job in a strobe factory.
I'm sure he'll fit in.

...............

A conspiracy theorist walks into a bar ....
OR that’s what the government would have us believe.

...............

I recently visited Auschwitz and found it very moving and quite disturbing. But at the end of the tour I couldn't help feeling they've missed a trick.
No gift shop, I mean everyone loves a t-shirt or a fridge magnet.

...............

I'm not saying my pubes are getting too long, but when I get an erection, it looks like Pinocchio has gone and joined the Taliban.

...............

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Old 02-03-2018, 07:15 PM
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Meaningless statistics are up 17% today.

................

Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to stop me from savagely beating one of my coworkers with a keyboard.

................

SCHOOLS: Why not teach skiing so you won't have to close every time we get a bit of fucking snow.

................

Imagine how different the music scene would be if, Karen Carpenter had eaten Mamma Cass's sandwiches.

................

Paddy is having dinner with his wife...
His wife says "I'm having an affair!"
Paddy hands the menu back to the waiter and says "I'll have the affair as well".

................

Be a rebel, go against the government warnings and make as many unnecessary journeys as possible. Don't let them order you around like this because of a bit of snow.
Buy a car if you have to.....

................

I'm going to build a time machine, go back to Germany in the 1930s and find Hitler before he got into power.
Then I'll tell him to shave that little moustache off. He looked absolutely ridiculous with it.

.................

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Old 03-03-2018, 06:35 PM
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My wife said "You'll never guess who I saw in town!"
"OK then" I said. "I'll carry on watching the football"

................

My girlfriend has been working out a lot recently.
For instance, today she worked out that I've been shagging her sister.

................

It's that cold, I thought I'd check on my 80 year old next door neighbour Mike, to see if he needed anything from the shop.
He said he did, so I gave him a list of things I needed as there's no point of us both going out in the snow and getting cold.

................

Paddy is working in a posh house when the woman asks him if he'd like a Coffee.
"Excellent coffee," says Paddy.
"Thank you," says the woman. "My husband brought it back from Brazil."
"Amazing," says Paddy, "and it's still hot."

................

My cousin told me he was gay today.
What an idiot, coming out in weather like this.

................

How much more snow needs to fall before we can start looting?
Asking for a friend.

................

My mum didn't believe in hitting kids.
She just used to iron creases in the front of my jeans, and let all the other kids hit me.

................

My doctor has given me some anti-gloating cream.
Now all I want to do is rub it in.

................

I called on a friend to make sure he was coping with this severe weather we are getting from the east. It was fucking freezing. I returned really pissed off with him. On his door he had a notice "No Cold Callers" Ungrateful bastard.

................

My mate Mohammed refuses to eat bacon.
I don't have a problem with that but I am quite surprised, he doesn't look Jewish at all.

.................

My wife’s just told me if she doesn’t get to black up and wear a straw boater soon she’s going to go out of her mind.
I think she may be pre- minstrel.

.................

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Old 04-03-2018, 02:04 PM
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Did you know that some saltwater crocodiles can grow up to 20 feet!
But most only have 4.

................

The Manchester City coach was delayed on their way back from Wembley last week.
They had to stop at IKEA to buy a cabinet.

................

As I got into my car this morning my neighbour Paddy came over and said, "Simon, can you give me a lift somewhere? It won't take long?"
"Sure," I replied, "Jump in."
He said, "Do a left here and then another left after 800 yards."
"Ok," I replied.
"Now do another left here," he continued, "And then another left at the end."
"After a few minutes he said, "Now stop."
I said,"Paddy, we are back at your house!"
He said,"I know, there's no way I'm jogging in this weather."

................

I went private for my op because the doctor said that he'd have me on my feet in two weeks.
Too fucking right, I had to sell the car to pay his bill.

................

The wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday.
I said, "I would really love a blow job".
She said, " well my dad asked me to find out so I will let him know".

................

Apparently the gunman outside the White House earlier had been told in the past about gun safety..... but it went in one ear and out the other.

................

A bloke went into a pub on St.David's day with a leek pinned on his lapel.
The landlord said " What sort of strange vegetable is that then"?
"It's a fucking Welshman" replied the leek

................

Q: What's the difference between a bit of snow and a llama?
A: The British media don't know how to milk a llama.

................

B.B.C News : Melon kills 5 people in Austrailia
As if they don`t have enough fucking wildlife to do that job already

................

Footballer – He shoots, he scores!
Drug addict – He scores, he shoots!

................

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Old 05-03-2018, 06:47 PM
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"Your underwear is too tight and very revealing" I said to my wife
She said, "Wear your own then dickhead"

.................

Sir Bradley Wiggins has denied taking drugs to help him win the Tour de France, claiming it was a fair win. He added that he had to cycle really fast to escape the colossal razor-toothed fire-breathing luminescent dragon that was chasing him.

.................

If you haven't looked in on that elderly neighbour yet. Forget it!
A couple of days ago you'd have been a hero, now you'd be a suspect.

.................

Ladies: If you get a message from a bloke saying he wants to "kick your puppy" - don't ring the RSPCA, he's just not very good with predictive text....

.................

The Winter Paralympics are set to get underway in South Korea this Thursday.
Athletes who broke their necks in last month's regular Olympics are said to be looking forward to it.

.................

"Hot Cross Buns"was actually the name of Jesus' first aerobic DVD.

.................

I've joined Athletics Anonymous.
Whenever you feel like exercising, they send someone round to drink with you until the feeling passes.

.................

My girlfriend is a stunner!
She works in an abattoir.

.................

Yesterday I hired a new guy to work in my specialty bondage shop.
I spent all morning showing him the ropes.

.................

I entered one of those Iron Man contests last year, and what a joke that was.
I was the only one there that even bothered to build a suit, and as soon as it started everyone just fucked off for a swim !

.................

Vice President Mike Pence says the survivors of the Florida school shooting need a "belief in Jesus".
Someone needs to tell the know-nothing fantasist that what the kids need are bulletproof vests!

.................

Funny how Hitler and Charlie Chaplin were never seen in the same room together.

..................

The last person to call me pretentious copped a demitasse of skinny macchiato to the face.

..................

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Old 06-03-2018, 06:41 PM
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My bank just called me about suspicious activity on my account.
They didn't believe I bought a gym membership.

................

Monday is a lot like me..
It comes too quickly.

.................

Just failed my driving test. When the examiner asked me "what sign would you expect to see down a narrow country lane?" Apparently ‘fresh farm eggs for sale’ wasn’t the answer!

.................

Taylor Swift's song 'We are never getting back together' is about her legs.

.................

If anything good comes out of global warming it will be that in a few years Dancing on Ice won't be on my fucking telly!

.................

Sadly I think my family are a bunch of racists.
I started dating a black girl recently. So i decided to bring her home to meet the family.
The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.

.................

According to the news, Elton John has put on so much weight recently, he is having to have his trousers specially made for him.
Time to say 'Goodbye normal jeans' then, Elton.

.................

I came home drunk last night and my wife wasn't happy.
"How much have you had to drink?" she asked, staring at me.
"Nothing" I slurred.
"Look at me!" she shouted, "It's either me or the pub, which one is it?"
I paused for a second and said, "It's you, I can tell by the voice."

.................

I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.
Obviously, it wasn’t called that. It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion’

.................

Still can't believe Roger Bannister is dead.
He was my favourite James Bond too.

................

First Alexander then Sergei never mind the Russians I'd be looking at that Go compare twat.

................

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Old 07-03-2018, 07:15 PM
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Whilst cooking today I accidentally rubbed some herbs in my eyes.
I’m now parsley sighted.

..............

Just found out my uncle has left me a stately home in his will...
I have no idea where Sod Hall is, I'm just off to Google it now!

..............

Gary Oldman spent months pretending to be Winston Churchill, and ended up winning an Oscar.
I spent months pretending to be a photographer for a kids' swimwear catalogue, and ended up on the Sex Offenders Register.
As usual, it's one rule for the luvvies and another for Joe Public.

..............

I told my wife I'd just been to the cemetery.
She said "Who's dead?"
"They all are"I replied

..............

I had unprotected sex last night.
Shagged the wife with the lights on.

..............

My Nan is always fond of saying, “boys will be boys”
She’s obviously never been to Thailand.

..............

My girlfriend dumped me because she said, "I can't handle your selective hearing, it's frustrating! It's so long since you've done anything romantic, it hurts!"
I don't know what she's talking about, I don't have selective hearing!
Anyway, when the lads down the pub asked why she finished with me I told them "It's so long it hurts"

..............

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Old 08-03-2018, 07:15 PM
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Today is international woman's day. It was supposed to be yesterday but they took too long to get ready.

..............

Does anyone know how to fix a sat-nav?...
...Mine is broken, it keeps telling me Tottenham's in Europe.

..............

Did you hear about the dyslexic Muslim suicide bomber?
He turned up in heaven and was greeted by 72 vegans.

.............

You'd never get planning permission to build a city on rock and roll.

.............

A Scouser applies for a loan at a bank and said "I've good credit history, think I'll walk it". The banker replies
"But you're from Liverpool,you'll never walk a loan"

.............

I came in from work earlier and my wife said "Your brother Harry that's in the army phoned"....
I said "How is he?"
"He's just been promoted" she said...
"Great news" I said "What's he been promoted to?"
"A court martial" she replied.

............

I was voted the most likely to become a school shooter by my class mates...
They'll fucking pay for spreading bullshit like that.

............

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  #1408  
Old 09-03-2018, 06:42 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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A man died today due to his obsession of taking photos of himself next to a boiling kettle.
We believe he had serious selfie steam issues.

................

My tips for the Cheltenham Festival

Lunchtime - 12-1
V Neck - Good Jumper
Dusty Carpet - Never Been Beaten
Ronseal - Good Over Fences

................

My wife came home from work to find me sitting watching the football..
"I've decided I'm leaving you, all you do is talk about football you think about nothing else," she said. "I'm also seeing someone else truth be told".
"Really?" I replied. "What team does he support?"

................

We can all agree Jimmy Saville was a terrible human being but he did do great work backstage at top of the pops.
Rumour has it he introduced Cream to Small Faces.

................

A bloke is sat next to a Muslim on a plane, the Air Hostess asks the bloke if he would like a scotch and water.
"Yes please, thank you" he replied
The Air Hostess hands the bloke his drink and asks the Muslim if he would like the same
The Muslim says "I would rather have ten whores tending to my every desire than have alcohol"
At this point the bloke hands his scotch back to the Air Hostess and says "Can you take this back,I didn't know that there was a choice"

................

International Women's Day.... Political correctness gone too far yet again....
Why does 'spring cleaning' need a new name anyway??

................

Apparently scientists have discovered female hormones in beer....
In scientific tests on men, they observed that after ten pints they suddenly talked shite, were irrational and couldn't drive....

................

If the Russian victims had left Wetherspoons and not Zizzi, would it have even made the news?.

................

If I was a ghost, I would open doors while people were masturbating.

................

I invited my girlfriend round to eat something my Mum made.
"Ooh! Really? " she said. "What is it?"
"Me."

................

Donald Trump is considering building a wall on the border with Canada now, after someone told him there are four moose limbs to every elk up there.

................

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Old 10-03-2018, 08:06 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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My wife started cooking for our guests and told me to go and prepare the table.
So I told them all about her terrible cooking.

...............

My wife has just left me due to my love of horse racing.
She's at the gate....and she's off!

...............

Buy your Vegan friend a Venus Flytrap and show them even plants think they’re wrong.

...............

Three cheers for the very brave man who's agreed to meet a fucking lunatic:
Kim Jong-un deserves a medal for valour.

...............

I was watching Crufts on TV, but the missus turned over to 'Take me out' when I went for a pee....
It took me 20 minutes before I noticed.

...............

American 'Pharma Bro' Martin Shkreli has been sentenced to seven years for fraud.
The irony is that he bumped up the price of a drug he'll probably need after his stint in prison by 5000%.

................

Transracial - the word for someone who wants to be a different race.
We already have a phrase for someone who wants to be American:
Trans fat

................

Brilliant idea - gonna brew and market my own beer, and call it “Responsibly”. Advertising slogan will be a doddle: “Please drink Responsibly”.

................

shops and news agents have now got barriers blocking you being able to see the cigarettes now, apparently its a deterrent to stop you wanting them as you can't see them..
load of shit..
come on boobs are covered by bras and that doesn't stop you wanting the goods.

................

ISIS Awards Night

The 2018 best suicide bomber award goes to Mohammed.

Unfortunately Mohammed can't be with us tonight.................

.................

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Old 11-03-2018, 01:20 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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What was Whitney Houston's favourite type of co-ordination?
HAAAANND EYYYEEEEE...

................

Sky News have just confirmed that the Leicester based company Walkers Crisps is to be taken over by a mega rich Arabian Consortium led by Sultan Sheikh.

................

My wife won't let me watch porn because "it gives men unrealistic expectations about love and relationships."
Meanwhile she's been showing our daughter Disney movies since she was born.

................

If you are the older twin, call your twin a few times a day and say, “when I was your age” and then describe what you did 7 minutes ago.

................

If I ever got the chance to name a Road, I'd call it 'Skin Road'
Just so I could laugh at the people at number 4.

................

A gay guy robs a bank and on his way out a policeman sees him and shouts, "Freeze punk!"
He stops suddenly in his tracks, turns around and says, "Free??"

................

The word nun is just the letter n doing a forward roll.

................

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