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  #1291  
Old 15-11-2017, 03:25 PM
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I think it's terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated the cyclists caught up with the allegations and wrong doing regarding taking drugs whilst competing.
When I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike.

.................

I told my mum I'd opened a theatre.
She said, 'Are you having me on?'
I said, 'I'll give you an audition but I'm not promising anything.'

.................

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction.
My copy of the script said: 'Enter Juliet from the rear'

.................

Two kids are playing football in a park in Manchester, when one of the kids is suddenly attacked by a huge rottweiler, luckily the other kid finds a plank of wood and shoves it in the dogs collar and twists it and breaks the dogs neck!
A man also in the park witnesses this and says to the kid, "That was amazing! I'm a journalist for the Manchester Evening news, I would like to write an article about what just happened."
He starts writing a headline, "United fan saves friend from dog", the kid says, "I'm not a United fan."
He starts again, "City fan saves friend from dog." The Kid says, "I'm not a City fan."
The journalist asks, "Who do you support then?" The kid answers, "Liverpool."
The journalists starts again, "Scouse bastard murders family pet in cold blood!"

..................

There's a Scottish,Irish and Welshman on a beach.....
Watching the World Cup!

..................

"I think I'm a psycho," I said to the doc, "I like men's willies."
He smiled and winked at me, "I like them too."
"Oh good," I replied, "do you want to come see my collection."

..................

Me and the Mrs had Marmite sex last night, I loved it,she hated it.

..................

I’ve just lost my job for constantly asking women if they like it up the arse.
Does anyone know other hospitals looking for a colonoscopist?

..................

I've just been headhunted for a job as an explorer in Papua New Guinea.

..................

Son: Hi dad, I want to tell you something but I'm afraid that...
Dad: Go on son you can tell me anything, you know that
Son: I'm a transgender
Dad: I HAVE NO SON!
Son: Great! I knew you'd understand!

..................

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  #1292  
Old 16-11-2017, 06:50 PM
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Can I just ask everyone a huge favour? Those of you who are planning to put Christmas lights in your gardens, please can you avoid anything red or blue and flashing? Every time I drive past, I think it's the cops and have a mild panic attack. I have to remove my foot from the accelerator, slam on the brakes, put my seat belt on, throw my phone on the floor, hide my bottle of whisky ,swallow my joint, and shove the gun under the seat. It's a major drama. I really appreciate your cooperation and understanding.

.................

What do you say to a Mexican body builder that's ran out of protein powder?
No whey José?!

.................

I said to my friend “My wife’s a peach.”
He asked: “Because she’s so soft and juicy?”
I replied “No, because she has a heart of stone.”

.................

I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic.
"Oh yes, quite a few," the librarian said.
"Sorry to hear that," I said laughing, "They'll all be ruined by now."

.................

Scotland are reported to be the first country in the world to introduce minimum pricing for alcohol.
Bollocks.
Saudi Arabia beat you to it. The minimum price for a unit of alcohol there is 50 lashes.

.................

CNN Headline
“Johnson to leave 'no stone un turned' in case of British woman jailed in Iran”
Great, now the fucker's helping them to stone her to death.

.................

Scientists predict the planet will be destroyed on 18th November 2018 when an asteroid the size of a small American will smash into the Earth.

.................

If electricity follows the path of least resistance...
Why doesn't lightning only strike in France?

.................

My grandparents fought during World War II.
They ended up getting a divorce.

.................

So, the virgin Mary gave birth to a Greggs sausage roll.
To be fair it's more plausible than the original version.

.................

Judas:
"I could murder a sausage roll."

.................

I watched the Battle for the Planet of the Apes last night.
It worried me a little until they said that Robert Mugabe was under house arrest.

.................

Twilight.
A film about a teenage girl choosing either bestiality, or necrophilia.

.................

I'm selling books on how to avoid saying the wrong thing and getting into fights.
Who wants some?

.................

What's the difference between the actor Kevin Spacey and his film 'Pay it Forward' ?
Nothing, they both touched me when I was young.

.................

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  #1293  
Old 17-11-2017, 06:48 PM
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The girlfriend says I’m tight, so to prove her wrong we went out for some tea and biscuits.
It was quite exciting as she’s never given blood before.

.................

My wife loves sad movies, and says she can tell how good a movie is by how many tissues she goes through.
I have the same system.

.................

They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' this Christmas in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London.
Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

.................

My wife and I went to see a psychiatrist.
"What can I do for you?" He asked
"Our son has got an imaginary friend," said my wife.
"There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child to develop, and this is very common and nothing to worry about at all." Said the psychiatrist.
"We haven't got a son." I replied.

.................

Greggs Nativity Scene:
And the three Kings arrived bearing gifts of Ketchup, Mustard, and Branston Pickle.

.................

"Greggs portraying Jesus as a type of food is an abomination" said the Catholics, right after they took Communion.

.................

Statistically, 9/11 planes missed the Twin Towers.

.................

My parents found a bag of ecstasy pills in my bedroom today.
My mum said, "Is there something you'd like to share with us?"
"Not really," I replied. "I've only got ten left."

.................

"Nurseries ban glitter in pre-Christmas drive for cleaner seas"
I can't see the point of that, he's already serving a sixteen year sentence.

.................

I hear that Kevin Spacey managed to get a leading role in this year's panto...
He got Aladdin.

.................

I bumped into my dyslexic mate earlier, he said "you alright mate"
I said no I've got OCD.
He said "that's brilliant."
I said "what's brilliant?"
He said "call of duty."

.................

Not only have the Scottish electorate rejected independence, it seems they now want a vote to abolish devolution.
Self determination is one thing, but putting up the price of drink is fucking serious.

.................

I've got a nice wig made from arse hair.
The trouble is it keeps blowing off.

.................

So Charles Manson died today...
I'm going to miss his music...

.................

"Missing explorer Benedict Allen was caught in tribal warfare"
Serves him right for holidaying in Birmingham.

.................

And their second advert:

Away in Pret-a-Manger
Stale baguette for your lunch
Ours taste miles better
And they're called Tuna Crunch.

.................

I was at a football match last week, when I decided to take my clothes off and run around the pitch waving my willy at the crowd.
I was arrested at halftime, and they had to get another referee to finish the game.

.................

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  #1294  
Old 18-11-2017, 07:48 PM
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A man walks into a library and asks for a book on 'Finding Bigfoot'.
The librarian directs him to the large print section.

..................

I finally got an 'A' on my essay.
Only 1,999 more words to go !

..................

After watching the events in Harare today , Prince Charles has urged his fans to turn out in London tomorrow to tell 91 yr old Queen it's time to go.

..................

I was in bed with the wife. She said, "Did you just fart?"
I replied, "Who else do you think farted?"

..................

Just £3 will buy food and water for family in Africa.
But don't let your heart rule your head.
Morrisons are doing 4 Stella for £2.99

..................

How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Och! It's no that dark.

..................

I can't believe the new iPhone looks just like the old one.
How will people know I'm better than they are?

..................

I've just bought a Jehovah's witness advent calendar.
Every time I open a door on it someone tells me to fuck off.

..................

Greggs have pulled the plug on the 'Holy Sausage roll' for now.
A Spokesman, however says they intend to resurrect it next Easter.

..................

"Hello, and welcome to this year's Children In Need!
Tonight we're going to aim to raise as much as I would have paid in tax last year if my accountant hadn't sorted out that Panama offshore account for me..."

..................

I used to walk home from the supermarket with a few bags every week. Now they charge me 5 pence per bag I find it cheaper to just walk home with the trolley for £1.00.

..................

Did you know Lord Jesus spelled backwards is SusejdRol maybe greggs are correct.

..................

One of the presenters on Children on Weed said, "Pick up your phone and pledge."
I'm still sitting here, with the phone in one hand and a can of furniture polish in the other, wondering what I'm supposed to do next?

..................

I went to a really trendy nightclub last night.
The doorman said to me, "Sorry mate, you've had too many!"
I said, "What, drinks?"
He said, "No, birthdays!"

..................

Played in a cricket match yesterday in aid of people who suffer from diarrhoea.
We lost by 3 runs.

..................

What's red and white and sits in a tree?
A sanitary owl.

..................

I know a man who taught his dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.
He went from Barking to Tooting in an hour.

..................

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  #1295  
Old 19-11-2017, 01:40 PM
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Over 90% of people over 60 believe that we show less respect to others than we did in the past.
Silly old fuckers!

....................

If Hitler was a sea creature he’d be Adolfin.

.....................

What do you get if you cross a pelican and a zebra?
Two streets further away.

.....................

My kids keep on taking the piss out my alzheimers.
Wait till the cheeky little buggers wake up on Christmas morning and find no eggs under the bonfire.

.....................

David Cassidy is in a coma and people are being warned to expect the worst.
Oh No, they must be going to re-release his music.

.....................

At the barbers today, I asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise.
So he gave me a cushion to sit on.

......................

'How To' videos on YouTube;

Because if there's one thing missing from a computer manual, it's bad dance music.

......................

Newton's third law of Emotion: For every male action, there is a female overreaction.

......................

Malcolm Young.
AC/Deceased.

......................

"David Cassidy 'conscious' after being hospitalised with organ failure"
That's a bit dramatic. Anyway, I thought he played the guitar.

......................

When I was a baby I was raised by wolves...
not the Animals, I just lived near the football stadium.

......................

My wife told me I was incapable of multitasking....
So I got drunk and embarrassed her at the same time.

......................

I overheard my girlfriend muttering to herself, "Love that one... Hate that one... Ooh, that one made me cry."
"Are you going through your DVDs again?" I asked her.
"No," she replied. "My dildos."

......................

After my recent prostate exam, which, I must say, was the most thorough I've ever had, the doctor left and the nurse came in.
As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear. She said... "Who was that guy who just left?"

......................

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  #1296  
Old 20-11-2017, 05:44 PM
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A funeral was held today for the inventor of air conditioning.
Thousands of fans attended.

.................

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day
of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did
it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that
you just served?"
The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls
testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on
vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per
day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early
tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next day, the American returned, placed his order, and then that
evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called
to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much
smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins!"

...................

I'm gonna use the numbers from my gas meter reading for my lottery, it works for British gas.

...................

The UK has offered to help Argentina find its missing submarine.
Perhaps they will be kind enough to point out the General Belgrano at the same time.

...................

Jeremy Clarkson has stated that driverless cars are 'dangerous'.
Yeah, but not as dangerous as cars driven by Richard Hammond.

...................

A man has been arrested after trying to scale the security fence at the White House.
Police who led the man away were heard to say, "We don't care how bad it is, you've another three years to serve, Mr President."

....................

My wife's come back home after her breast reduction operation.
And I must say, she looks much better with just the two.

....................

You know you've been watching Jamie Oliver too much when you add olive oil to your Pot Noodle.

....................

Gynaecologists use a device called a speculum to spread open the vagina.
I prefer to call it a flap jack.

....................

A big shout out to all the amazing make up artists on Strictly last night...oh and Debbie McGee's embalmer.

....................

I've finally found my path in life.
Psycho.

....................

Karen Brady is on the apprentice every week taking the piss out of the contestants decision making.
Then she goes and hires David Moyes.

....................

My parents came over to meet my new girlfriend for the first time, my mum described her as "a girl next door type". My girlfriend was really pleased.
She doesn't know they live next door to a brothel.

....................

I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today and it will never happen again.
I didn't get pulled over or anything,
I just showed up to work 20 minutes early.

....................

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  #1297  
Old 21-11-2017, 07:08 PM
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Did you hear about the dyslexic gynecologist?
He wants to look at your vinegar.

...................

Women your husband is the best person to tell your secrets too!
He won't tell anyone because he wasn't even listening in the first place.

...................

I went fishing today with my two friends...
Rod & Annette.

...................

Chris Rea - it's five weeks until Christmas.
Get your fucking car serviced this year.

...................

Imagine The Titanic with a lisp.
It's unthinkable.

...................

Spitting Image is being rebooted in America featuring Donald Trump as a puppet.
Vladimir Putin is suing because he thought of it first.

...................

Don't leave Christmas preparations until the last moment.
Start getting depressed now.

...................

There once was a brickie from Kent
Whose son told him "daddy I'm bent"
"I'll curb your desire"
Said the brickie, with ire
Then he filled up his arse with cement

...................

After hearing recent news reports that Big Ben won't be doing anymore bongs for 4 years, a spokesman for Snoop Dog has said "the star admires the man's willpower."

...................

Judging by the state of my Tesco "bag for life" I've got only about a week left.

...................

I looked out on the destruction: smashed windows, cars turned upside-down, a bus on fire, people running scared, police unsure what move to make...
I turned to the wife and said, "Chin up darling, you did your best, but maybe I should park the car!"

...................

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  #1298  
Old 22-11-2017, 01:18 PM
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Dyslexic gynecologist: in the library looking up Cnuts
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  #1299  
Old 22-11-2017, 06:25 PM
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Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.

..................

I had a goal to lose two stone by the end of the year.
Just three stone to go!

..................

Just heard that the government is banning Roman numerals!
Well, not on my watch!

..................

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

..................

I can't believe Rebekah Vardy failed her latest trial on "I'm a Celebrity get me out of Here."
I thought going down and taking a star in her mouth would have been second nature to her.

..................

Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write "Last warning. You have a week to get the rest of the money together. Next time we won't be so nice."

..................

The only thing worse than finding out you were given up for adoption would be finding out it was Rick Astley who gave you up!

..................

Dear ITV,
After seeing the contestants of "I'm a Celebrity Get me out of Here"
I assume you are aware of the contents of the Trade Descriptions Act 1968?

..................

How many software developers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. It's a hardware problem.

..................

I have just watched the news and seen all the Africans out in the streets celebrating and dancing. There were cars driving round honking their horns with people climbing all over the roof waving flags.
Tottenham looks a happy place tonight.

..................

Looks like Liverpool did a Theresa May last night.

..................

I like my women like my golf scores, in their 80s with a slight handicap.

..................

What's red and dangles from a cunt?
The budget briefcase.

..................

The dentist said, "Your children's teeth are in a terrible state. Do they use floss?"
I said, "Yes, every day."
He said, "What type of floss do they use?"
I said, "Candy."

..................

I was lying in bed with my blonde girlfriend last night when she said, "I think my boobs are too small, I'm going to get a boob job."
"Hmm," I replied, "my hands are too small... what do you think I should do?"
"Do you want a hand job?"
She's a keeper.

..................

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  #1300  
Old 23-11-2017, 06:12 PM
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A sultry, over the shoulder stare followed by a slow, seductive lick of the lips is one of the sexiest things in the world.
Not during a rectal exam though according to my doctor.

..............

I'm guessing you all know the first rule of Assumption Club.

..............

A mate of mine actually managed to die from cannabis.
Smugglers dropped 30 kilos of the stuff out of a plane, and it landed on his head.

..............

Dark Humour is like clean water. Not everyone gets it.

..............

70 people had to be rescued from Cumbria after being inundated with tears after the Celtic match.

..............

"These scales don't seem to be working," said nanna this morning.
"For fucks sake, Nan!" I said, "You've broken my laptop!"

..............

Just been kicked out of a pub for doing my David Cassidy tribute act.
I had only got through my first two bottles.

..............

What do Theresa May and Celtic have in common?
They're both fucking useless in Europe.

..............

"You can't park there it's a disabled space" shouted the parking attendant.
"Sorry but there are eleven empty spaces, it's not as if eleven disabled people are going to turn up at once", I replied.
At which point the west ham team bus turned up to disprove my theory.

..............

As a postman, with Christmas only a month away, I'd like to ask you all to help us make sure that we save time by clearly marking your envelopes:
CONTAINS MONEY

..............

I didn't realise Mugabe was from Yorkshire.
Until I read his name backwards.

..............

I really don't get kids, I just gave my daughter her 5th birthday present, she ripped it open then burst into tears when she saw the enormous spiced Italian salami I'd bought her.
Ungrateful little bitch, that's all she's been bleating on about for months is how much she loves peppered pig!

..............

Don't be ashamed of yourself.
That's your parents' job.

..............

First up was May talking about how the Tories were going to save Britain and make it stronger in Europe; then it was Hammond talking about his budget proposals. Last but not least Jezza piped in about how Labour would win the next election.
Strangest episode of Top Gear I've ever seen.

..............

First up was May talking about how the Tories were going to save Britain and make it stronger in Europe; then it was Hammond talking about his budget proposals. Last but not least Jezza piped in about how Labour would win the next election.
Strangest episode of Top Gear I've ever seen.

.............

What's the difference between Snow White and Celtic?
Snow White had the excuse of being asleep when she let seven in.

.............

If you want to play a real life version of Pac-Man then go to DFS and try and avoid the salesman.

.............

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror I thought to myself...
"I'm going to get thrown out of IKEA in a minute!"

.............

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner...
So I took the battery out of the smoke detector!

.............

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  #1301  
Old 24-11-2017, 05:28 PM
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For sale, packet of polo's
Unopened, mint condition.

...............

What do you call an aardvark that’s just been beaten up?
Vark.

...............

When I was young we were very poor and I sometimes had to wear my sister's old clothes to school. Turned up in the same dress as my teacher one day. Don't know who was more embarrassed, him or me.

...............

When my kids wake up Christmas morning they will be faced with everything they could ever dream of.
I've got them an Argos catalogue each.

...............

Black Friday.
You and me.
My place.
All clothes £100% off.

...............

How many Countdown contestants does it take to change a BLIHBULGT?

...............

The office Christmas party is nearly here, a time when my colleagues get pissed and have fun while I sit in the corner feeling lonely and desperate.
Or Angela and Denise from Accounts, as they're usually known.

...............

Whilst most of us are getting 50% off for Black Friday - Oscar Pistorious is getting 100% added on

...............

I'm a bit confused with this Rohypnol I bought.
On the packet it says, "Best Before Date", but then there's no numbers or anything.

...............

Just been sent home from work coz apparently I 'misunderstood Black Friday'.
Cost me a fucking fortune in shoe polish too !!!

...............

Instructor: Can you read that car's number plate from here?
Me: YESSSSSSSS !!!!!! Now can you PLEASE open the parachute !!!!!!!!

...............

The bigger the better. Not when it's a tumour.

...............

I wish the Ice Bucket Challenge would come back.
I've not made my wife wet since.

...............

Theresa May should take a leaf out of Everton's book. That's how you make sure you are out Europe quickly.

...............

Ever since I told my wife I've been diagnosed with the big C we've had sex twice a night.
Haven't told her it's Clap yet.

...............

I was in a large queue for the checkout in Tesco earlier.
"Excuse me sir, would you like to use the self-service checkouts to save time?" a woman asked me.
"Fine, but if I'm doing it myself I want staff discount" I replied.

...............

"Do you know what happens when you die? " this priest said to me,
"Well yes, " I replied, "the kids will argue over my shit, the wife will probably shag my brother again and everybody who thinks I am a proper cunt will go round telling my family what a great bloke I was. "

..............

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Old 25-11-2017, 06:54 PM
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Lionel Messi goes up girl in a club and says "Get your coat, you've pulled"
She replies "Wow, you're a little forward!"

.................

Black Friday deals?
You try telling my fucking drug dealer that.

.................

What do you call a woman without a clitoris?
It doesn't matter, she's not going to come.

.................

I decided to surprise my wife with some new sexy lingerie, perfume and expensive make up.
She just thought I looked gay.

.................

I went to a travel agent today and asked for the 'Taste of America experience.'
She shot me.

..................

It's wrong to make jokes about the San Juan and I for one shall not plumb to the same depths.

..................

Donald Trump is always off playing golf.
He's probably just getting a feel for spending a lot of time in bunkers.

..................

I bought a record to help feed the desperate, impoverished and forgotten today.
It was the album of last year's X-Factor winner.

..................

What's the difference between a rocker and a jazzman?
A rocker plays 4 chords in front of 4000 people and a jazzman plays 4000 chords in front of 4 people.

..................

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  #1303  
Old 26-11-2017, 12:53 PM
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I used to be addicted to eating soap.
But I’m clean now.

.................

I took the Mother in Law out the other night.
I love being a sniper.

.................

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

.................

Dear Students & Poppy burning Muslims.
Sorry I could not attend your demonstrations last week. This was due to me having to work for a living.

.................

I knew a really slutty Roman girl who kept shouting "509! 509!"
Turns out she really likes DIX...

.................

I was in an important meeting when my secretary came in to tell me I had a phone call.
"Is it urgent Tina?" I asked.
"No, it's from Huddersfield." She replied.

.................

"After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me, 'Maybe life isn't for everyone'."

.................

A backing singer for Joss Stone has accused Sir Richard Branson of 'putting his face in her cleavage' leaving her feeling shocked.
I guess I would feel shocked as well to see 3 tits on my chest!

.................

If God was real, it would definitely be a man... if it was a woman it would have taken 6 days just to choose a colour scheme.

.................

My Mexican wife was always moaning that I don't show any willingness to accept her culture.
The hypocrite left me when I sacrificed our first born son to Huitzilopochtli.

.................

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Old 27-11-2017, 04:48 PM
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My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn’t like it when I use other toothpastes.

................

My girlfriend just asked me, “When we go to Egypt, can we go on a camel?”
I said, “Fuck off, it would take ages to get there on a camel!”

................

My wife has old hoover syndrome.
She makes a constant whining noise and doesn’t suck anymore.

................

I went to a fancy dress party in Birmingham where the theme was "spice".
I went as a chilli but everyone else was an astronaut.

................

My next door neighbour has had the London A-Z Atlas tattooed on his back. He's a bit of a weirdo, but at least you know where you are with him!

................

For fuck sake, just had hospital on the phone, my son is in a bad way in hospital he has swallowed his mobile phone doing some daft prank and it is stuck in his throat ..
I'm gonna ring his fucking neck ..

................

Taking inspiration from 'I'm a celebrity' Get me out of here .
I ate a cows Nipple, a pigs eyeball and a sheeps penis last night.
Or a Lidl sausage roll as it's better known.

................

Women, and noodles.
They both wiggle when you eat them.

................

Ordered 4 Kindles from Amazon and they sent me a Two Ronnies DVD.

................

Family Fortunes: In a 100 people survey we asked name something you lose on holiday?
Kate McCann you answered "Daughter"

................

When people start bullying me about my weight, I cut myself.........
another piece of cake.

................

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Old 28-11-2017, 08:02 PM
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Prince Harry says he doesn’t want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding.
Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a fuck, he's still going!

...............

At this time!..

80 million people are having sex,
95 million people are kissing,
35 million people are relaxing after sex,
1 lonely sod is reading this!, hang in there mate!

...............

I offered my nan £5 for a go on her stair lift.
I thinks she’s going to take me up on it.

...............

My horoscope said my ex would pop up, I've been down the canal all day and thankfully there was no sign of her.

...............

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long for fat people.

...............

Prince Harry has got engaged to Miss Markle.....!!!!
I love those Agatha Christie stories, maybe she can solve The Great Paris tunnel mystery....

...............

The wife and I are inevitably heading for a divorce and she's saying that she's going to make sure to leave me with a balance of £0 in my bank account !
This sure is nice of her, agreeing to pay off my overdraft.

...............

I hear Prince Harry is going to marry Angela Merkel.
I think he's possibly selling himself a little short with his choice, but if it makes Brexit go a little smoother, why not?

...............

"Six Brit soldiers jailed in India on weapons charges since 2013 could soon be free after winning appeal"
I've heard it all now. Soldiers thrown in jail for possessing fucking weapons.

...............

This morning a gay dude asked me for directions and threatened me when I told him to go straight.

...............

My favorite sex position is the JFK. I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

...............

The great thing about having multiple personalities is that a wank turns into an orgy.

...............

Strange that when you have a cold, your friends and family tell you to 'Get well soon'.

But tell them you accidentally have a toilet brush up your arse and they don't want to know you.

...............

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Old 29-11-2017, 05:50 PM
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Royal protection squad members were said to be distressed when prince Philip suggested that Megan Markle be given the phonetic call sign Yankee Zulu.

.................

My wife left me because she thinks I'm old fashioned.
I'll wager a shilling she's courting a coloured chap.

.................

I learned two interesting facts today:
It's not as easy as you'd think, having a shit on a moving train.
And my ban covers ALL Hornby shops.

.................

Bakers who have 'Do not squeeze the baguettes' signs in their shops: I feel your pain.

.................

News: Florida school selling bulletproof inserts for backpacks.
A temporary fix for a problem that obviously requires armoured desks.

.................

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing.
If I "had" any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

.................

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Old 30-11-2017, 05:25 PM
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Why was the snowman looking through a bag of carrots?
He was picking his nose.

................

I've reset my "life goals" to things I've already accomplished, so everyday now, I"m overachieving ...
It's all about perspective.

................

My girlfriend just called and said Gavin from Autoglass came round & injected special resin into her crack.
I'm not normally suspicious but she hasn't got a car.

.................

"Morning mail: war criminal dies after drinking poison"
Cherie Blair said he was the best husband any woman could ever have.

.................

"I'm going out to scrape the car," my wife said this morning.
"Against what?" I replied.

.................

In 1672, a mob of angry Dutch killed and ate their prime minister.
Options. Just sayin’.

.................

They always say you'll find the love of your life when you're not really looking.
Which is true, but by then I'd already run her over.

.................

I'm not saying my wife is looking old.
But when she gives me a blow job it's hard to see where her face starts and my ball bag ends.

.................

As I sat with the missus eating cheese and crackers, she Said this "boursin cheese I told you to get, is to die for... oh shit!... I thought she'd said get foreskin cheese.

.................

Noel Gallagher has said that Ed Sheeran is 'vastly overrated'
Has he actually heard the one about the pot and the kettle?

.................

On my second day in prison I went to see the doctor. I dropped my pants and showed him my arsehole, covered in blood and totally butchered.
"My god, what on earth have you done?" asked the doc.
My cell mate Winston suggested we tried phone sex" I replied.
"I don't understand, how could phone sex leave you with such catastrophic injuries?" the puzzled doctor enquired.
"I was the receiver."

.................

If 2 vegetarians have a fight. Is it still classed as a beef.????

.................

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.
She said, "I'm sick of it. You actually believe that you're a Transformer. It's stupid. I've had enough and I'm leaving you."
I said, "But, Baby, I can change."
She said, "There you go again!"

.................

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Old 01-12-2017, 08:01 PM
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"Your underwear is too tight and very revealing" I said to my wife.
She said, "Wear your own then dickhead."

..................

Tampax have announced that they will be replacing their traditional tampon string with tinsel.
This will be for the Christmas Period only.

..................

FIFA 2018 World Cup Group I
Nothern Ireland
Republic of Ireland
Scotland
Wales

..................

I just applied for a job in the Citroen factory.
I had to send in 2CVs.

..................

My neighbour hanged himself yesterday.

I couldn't believe it, if only he had come and spoken to me.
I'm devastated, if I'd known he was suicidal i would have asked him if he could take the asbestos off my shed roof first.

..................

This Argentinian sub.....wasn't searching for MH370 was it by any chance??

..................

What the hell does Trump care if he doesn't get the red carpet treatment from Britain ?
Anytime he wants it , he's got the freedom of Red Square.

..................

I've just started a new band, we're much better than anything that Robert Smith ever did.
We are called The Prevention.

..................

They round up the people for Jeremy Kyle by shooting tranquiliser darts into farmfoods.

..................

Irony at the World Cup Draw:
Maradona handles the England ball!

..................

"Hope for Argentina Submarine Crew Fades"
I can't say I'm surprised, the Falklands War was over in 1982.

..................

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Old 02-12-2017, 06:57 PM
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If you're sky diving and your parachute doesn't deploy, don't worry..
You have the rest of your life to fix it.

..................

Why are Christmas trees from the Royal Bank of Scotland crap?
Because they have no branches!

..................

Getting the decorations out of the loft, I found an old copy of the 1977 Radio Times, or as its called now, The Sex Offenders Register.

..................

Went to a fundraising disco for the UK Dyslexic Association last night.
It was great until the DJ played YMCA and then it was fucking mayhem.

..................

For years I thought I had a birthmark on my arse. It turned out to be a cigar burn.
Hows about that then?

..................

I've got my wife an artificial leg for Christmas.
It's not her main present just a stocking filler.

..................

I took my boy to see Father Christmas yesterday and he fucking stank of booze and cigarettes.
Fuck knows what Father Christmas thought of him?

..................

I've built my own public gym, and it's surprisingly cheap to run.
All the sad fuckers on the rowing machines are powering the lights.

..................

You know you're bored when you measure your own cock.
Now I'm bored AND disappointed.

..................

I look at Britain these days and think, "This is not the country my Grandad fought for."
Mind you, he was in the Luftwaffe.

..................

I've been invited to the RNLI's Christmas party.
I'm quite looking forward to it - they really know how to push the boat out.

..................

I hear that, on X Factor, you can now download the tracks sung by the contestants.
Sorry, but I'd rather download an attached file from my new friend in Nigeria....

..................

Before I die, I'm changing my name by deed poll to Santa Claus.
So I can spend eternity traumatising kids who visit the graveyard.

..................

Back in the day when Alex Fergusson managed Man U, the club scouts identified a brilliant young Nigerian player and Bobby Charlton signs him up.

The first training session gets underway. The young African lad is stood with the rest of the team and Fergusson places a ball on the ground. "This is "ball", understand? Over there is "goal"" he says, pointing to the goal. He then swings his leg in a kicking motion and "Kick...yes?" "KIIIICK". "Kick....ball...goooooal!"

At this point the Nigerian lad plucks up courage and protests..."Please Mr Fergusson, my English is very good, there is no need to speak to me like that, it is quite patronis....".

"Pipe down lad, I'm talking to Rooney....."

....................

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Old 03-12-2017, 01:27 PM
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They say there’s a person capable of murder in every friendship group.
I thought it was Ben, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

.....................

Why is Santa always so jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

.....................

I've finished my Christmas cards early this year.
Both my Visa and MasterCard are maxed out!

.....................

I'm selling my pet python on ebay.
Some bloke just rang up and asked, "is it big?"
I said, "Massive."
He said, "How many feet?"
I said, "None, it's a fucking snake you idiot!"

.....................

A Muslim lady was denied entrance into Mcdonalds today until she removes her hijab....
Should have gone to Burka king.

.....................

90% of being married is shouting “WHAT?” from other rooms.

.....................

I showed my class of children at my school in Norwich a Dynamo DVD and they were amazed at the magical powers on display.
But then I explained how televisions work and they relaxed.

.....................

Santa Claus probably regrets giving coal to naughty kids now that global warming is threatening his habitat.

.....................

I was walking down the high street yesterday when I saw this scruffy bloke playing the guitar and singing:
'When I was young, seemed like life was so wonderful, a miracle, it was beautiful, magical..."
I said 'That's Supertramp'
He said, 'Ah thanks very much, I've been practicing for ages'.

.....................

"The killer whale came right up to the glass and looked straight at me." said my wife, after visiting Sea World.
"It was probably wondering how you managed to escape," I said.

.....................

I rang up work this morning..
"My wife passed away in the early hours," I told them. "I'm going to need some time off work."
"Oh dear, sorry for your loss," The receptionist said. "And of course we understand. Take as much time off as you need."
"Thank you," I replied. "It'll be about eighteen years, providing I behave myself."

.....................

Some woman got her nipple pierced at the bar last night.
I'm not very good at darts.

.....................

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Old 04-12-2017, 06:16 PM
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I hate it when I'm singing to a song on the radio and the artist gets the lyrics wrong!

....................

There were 10 in the bed & the little one said...
"These NHS cuts are ridiculous."

....................

I think we'll get a real Christmas tree this year.
Asking the kids to imagine one last year was a little unfair!

....................

Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.
"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"
"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."

....................

Ian Duncan Smith went into a bakery.
He said, "I'd like a cake to celebrate the implementation of PiP."
The girl at the counter said, "What would you like on it?"
He replied, "Well, I could murder hundreds and thousands."

....................

I ran into my ex-wife and I asked her how she was getting on.
"I'm with someone now who's twice the man that you are !" she sneered.
This one especially stung, as the bitch left me for another woman.

....................

Women are like snowflakes - beautiful, unique, and fucking deadly on the road.

....................

Did you know... if you counted up all the pies bought at sports events every weekend in the UK, the chances are you're autistic.

....................

Just looking at the nativity scene at my local church and I can't help thinking how it reminds me of the Jeremy Kyle show - a mother, a baby, loads of hangers on and some bloke who isn't the father.

....................

Sooooo i've decked the halls as the song suggested.
Though Mr & Mrs Hall don't share my joy.

....................

I’m looking forward to the donkey derby tonight.
Or Wolves v Birmingham as some call it.

....................

Donald Trump is famously teetotal.
In order to come out with as much crap as he does on the average day, I'd need the best part of 2 bottles of JD inside me. God help us if he ever decides to take a drink!

....................

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes and amens on Facebook.

....................

I've just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden.
And I'm thinking, "Who the fuck's going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?"

....................

My wife looks exactly like a Bond girl.
It's just a shame it's Judi Dench.

....................

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Old 05-12-2017, 07:28 PM
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My dyslexia has reached a new owl.

..................

Why can’t dyslexics tell jokes?
They always punch up the fuckline.

..................

What do you get if you hold a twenty pound note between your chin and your chest?
A good impression of Stephen Hawking at a strip club.

..................

I miss my best mate... He used to say funny things like, "Fuck wearing a helmet!"

..................

A guy walks into a crowded Bar, waving his unholstered Pistol and yells "I have a 45 calibre Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine and I want to know who's been sleeping with my Wife"
A voice from the back of the Bar calls out "You need more Ammo"

..................

Solid. Liquid. Gas. I hit the trifecta on the toilet this morning.

..................

My wife says she's leaving me because I take everything that she says the wrong way.
I think she just wants me to give her anal.

..................

I got into an argument with a bloke down the pub, and I thought "hang on- be a good person. What would Jesus do?"
So I stopped existing.

..................

My mate recommended I watch '12 Years a Slave'.
He said, 'It's a sad story, set before the American Civil War, about a man who's conned, exploited, and forced into hard labour by cruel masters.'
I said, 'I didn't realise Amazon had warehouses in the 1800s.'

..................

I got into trouble about this time last year, when all I wanted was some ideas to make my computer look a bit festive.
Turns out Googling "Glitter hard drive pictures" was a bad idea.

..................

"Do you want me to organise the Christmas party this year?" I asked my boss.
"After last year's debacle? Are you serious?" He shook his head, "Drunken public sex, fighting and arrests?"
I looked at him bewildered. "But nothing like that happened."
"Exactly."

..................

Why is Santa Claus like a BMW driver who drives below the speed limit and indicates at every junction?
Because neither of them really exist.

..................

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Old 06-12-2017, 06:52 PM
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Way to Pub: ↑
Way Home: ↷ ↴ → ↪ ↺ ↲ ↑ ↯ ↓ ↩ ↱ ↶ ↵

................

When I was a child, I always used to search my parent's drawers and cupboards in the run up to Christmas so I'd know exactly what to expect.
Although I never did receive the Vibratron Pleasuremax 3000.

................

Just bought me a Diane Abbot advent calendar. I didn't know there were 43 days in December!

................

Save money this Christmas by simply buying your kids an Easter Egg each and telling them they overslept.

................

Ever noticed how the women who say "there's no one right way to parent" are also the ones who have definitely found the fucking wrong way looking at their kids?

................

I found a mass grave today, full of dead snowmen.
"Dave," shouted my wife, "Come away from the pond."

................

They say the pain during child birth is so great,
A woman can almost imagine what a man with a cold feels like.

................

I'm loving my Oscar Pistorius advent calendar made by Smirnoff.
There's a shot behind every door.

................

I've been arrested for carrying a ghetto blaster.

I was in Brixton with a rocket launcher.

................

Old Man Paddy: "My joints are stiff."
Old Man Murphy: "Maybe you're rolling them too tight."

................

If Theresa May used Ryanair, she'd have to be charged for those bags under her eyes.

................

Katie Hopkins reveals epilepsy made her suicidal.
To cheer her up, we have all clubbed together and have bought her a couple of presents for Christmas.
It's a strobe light and a Gillette razor.

................

I met this woman. She is like a real FOX.....
Because she is hairy and eats out of bins.

................

I don't like to blow my own trumpet!!! That's why the rest of the Brass Band I'm in all have Herpes...!!!

................

Apparently MI5 have thwarted a plot by suicide bombers to attack Theresa May.
Stupid twats! She's doing a bloody good job of self-destructing all by herself.

................

Life is just like an erect penis.
Whenever it gets hard, I find masturbation to be a perfect solution.

................

A beautiful woman walked up to me in the bar and handed me a napkin.
"Call any time." she smiled.
I felt smug until I opened the napkin to find her plastic surgeon's business card.

................

My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains and men nothing?"
I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

................

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Old 07-12-2017, 05:56 PM
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My cat is recovering after a massive stroke.

..............

A bad football team is like an old bra, no cups and very little support.

..............

I found one of my dads old porno videos today.
Did you know, back in the 70's they used to use pubic hair to censor out the genitals?

...............

The Welsh language was invented by a cat walking across a typewriter.

...............

They've published another week of Elizabeth Fritzl's diary.

Monday:- Stayed in, Dad came down and fucked me.
Tuesday:- Stayed in, Got fucked by Dad
Wednesday:- Stayed in, Dad fucked me doggy style
Thursday:- Stayed in, Dad spunked on my face
Friday:- Stayed in, Dad gave my arse a right pounding
Saturday:- Went to watch Tottenham Hotspur play. Wish I'd fucking stayed in.

................

"Islamist plot to kill PM foiled."
...Anyone else think maybe we've given the security services a little too much money now?

................

I was always amazed by Jesus' biblical miracle with loaves and fishes.
That was until I realised what Walker's could do with one potato.

................

Kim's general: "sir, this is a phone the American's made in the 1940's"
Kim: "ah, I think I have the same one"
Kim's general: "yeah, great. Anyway, this is the phone they all use now."
Kim: "amazing!"
Kim's general: "and sir, this is the bomb they dropped on Hiroshima in 1940."
Kim: "motherfucker!"
Kim's general: "yeah...do you see where I'm going with this?"

................

They say that in the third world you can buy a slave for the price of an ipod. But you try getting them to remember 4000 songs.

................

Donald Trump was asked in an interview if wore fake tan because he was worried about melanoma, he replied " my wife lets me do what I want."

................

I designed a web site for orphans.
There's no home page.

................

I tried to commit all of the Seven Deadly Sins.
I never made it past Sloth.

................

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Old 08-12-2017, 07:17 PM
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I showed some hard cunt at the pub what I was made of.
Fragile bones and lots of blood.

...............

As I answered the front door dressed in high heels, stockings & suspenders, leather mini skirt and bright red lipstick, the Avon lady asked "Hello Sir, is your wife at home"?
To which I replied "Take a wild guess love!"

...............

In the 1980's top scientists were predicting that in 2017 there would be flying cars and people living permanently on Mars.
2017 - fidget spinners and spice.

...............

I heard that Caitlyn Jenner is pretty rich these days.
Someone told me she's got a little bit tucked away.

...............

I hate it when people say 'You don't need alcohol to have fun.'
You don't need shoes to run, but it fucking helps.

...............

Daily Mail online: Masturbation may help prevent the common cold.
Hope so, I've got no tissues left.

...............

"37 Years since John Lennon's tragedy."
I for one would love to hear this, I didn't even know he covered Bee Gees songs.

...............

I must look really sexy in my new BMW.
Loads of other motorists have signalled that they plan on having a wank later.

...............

"Boris Iran visit will give jailed charity worker 'hope'"
It'll give us hope if he fucking stays there.

...............

I once knocked a champion boxer out with a single punch.
I'm still banned from Crufts.

...............

Everyone at work calls the boss, Samsung.
Because he's a phoney cunt.

...............

I was so drunk last night.
When i got to the bottom of the stairs, I took off my shoes, coat, t-shirt, trousers, underwear and crept upstairs very quietly....
It was only when i got to the top of the stairs , I realized I was on a fucking bus!!!

................

I was asked by a doctor what my sexual preferences were,
"Oh, I'm not bothered about it any more I told him. "
Married. He wrote down.

................

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Old 09-12-2017, 07:39 PM
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Heard someone moaning about Iceland selling reindeer steak earlier, but no-one ever complains about Lidl donkey.

.................

My girlfriend wanted me to be more like her ex.
So I dumped her.

.................

Just been to my local hospital and I saw a sign saying ‘Thieves Operate Here.’
Surely it would be safer to leave it to the Surgeons?

.................

I told my wife that I heard a Chinese man sing Hero at karaoke tonight.
"The Mariah Carey song?" she asked.
"No, Lionel Richie."

.................

Christmas Party Tip:
Asking for a kiss under the cameltoe is NEVER acceptable.

.................

So an IRA sympathiser has a snowman with a grenade launcher.
Bit risky with no sun screen on and the UVF still around.

.................

Why doesn’t Ray Moore need to defend his innocence?
Because he’s already stolen somebody else’s.

..................

My little mate Raj has been banned from all Star wars conventions.
He only walked into one with his back pack on and shouted "ADMIRAL ACKBAR "

..................

The Scottish version of Chris Rea's festive song has been released.
It's called , " Fuck Christmas , so long as we make it for Hogmanay."

..................

Just been to a German Christmas market with a big fairground.
I was a little reluctant to ride the Hollercauster.

..................

Just a thought...
If Jesus was born in Bethlehem and spent all his time in Nazareth, why were all his disciples called 'John' and 'Mark' and 'Luke'?
Were they fucking gap year students or something? They're not very Jewish names are they?

..................

I was doing a crossword the other day when I got stuck, so I asked my mum for help and told her the clue - 'Overworked Postman'.
"How many letters?" she asked.
"Bloody thousands," I answered.

...................
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Old 10-12-2017, 04:37 PM
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I was so cold today that my jaw started to freeze...
So I gritted my teeth.

...............

I caught the wife masturbating during a Rowan Atkinson movie earlier.
She loves a good Bean flick.

...............

Have you heard about the new Eddie Stobart film coming out?
It looks quite good, i've just seen the trailer!!

...............

So after winning the game, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd, like they do on the T.V.
Apparently, it's unacceptable in bowling.

...............

The Proclaimers' lawn is getting out of control and they are blaming B&Q.
They've been to Bathgate, no mower. Linwood, no mower. Irvine, no mower.

...............

"And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas......."
Just as well really, they would only fucking ask for aid to help clear it away.

...............

Just been on my first naturist holiday and on the last night there was a cabaret act with a nude female ventriloquist...
She was shit though; I could definitely see her lips moving!

...............

I managed to get blood from a stone yesterday.
Took some scrubbing, but at least the evidence is gone.

...............

The X-Factor.......
Putting the TURD into SaTURDay's.

...............

Whenever Friar Tuck's Missus uses the phrase 'I was thinking...,' that means he either has to move, paint or buy something.

...............

Breaking News: Max Clifford's sentence reduced to 3 years and 7 months. Interviewed earlier this month the former publicist said, "I'm dying to be out for Christmas."

...............

What's Max Clifford getting for Christmas?
Rupert Murdoch, with any luck.

...............

I hate the way women bang on about how men can't find a clitoris. I mean, a clitoris is quite tiny.
My cock is 7" long and my wife only seems to be able to find that when she wants something.

...............

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Old 11-12-2017, 08:05 PM
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My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.
Last night I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

................

My friend can only sleep on stacks of old magazines.
He's got back issues.

................

Historians in Ireland have discovered what they believe to be the headstone of the oldest ever living man.
He was 193 and his name was Miles from Dublin.

................

At this time of the year, there's nothing I like better than sitting in front of a roaring fire with a glass of mulled wine, a bag of roasted chestnuts, and singing Christmas carols.
Mind you, it meant I lost my job as a fireman!

................

I'm going to miss my father this Christmas, but I know he'll be up there, looking down at us all.
Moaning about the broken stair lift.

................

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Old 12-12-2017, 05:38 PM
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What's frozen, flies through the air on a snowy winters night and can maim or kill you?
My fucking laptop!

..............

"What did your wife say when she caught you in bed with her sister?" asked my mate.
"Nothing," I replied, "if you take out the swear words."

..............

Nobody has checked to see if I'm alright during this freezing snowy weather.
In fact, the old bitch next door is so lazy she hasn't even taken her newspapers or milk in.

..............

What's the difference between a Christmas tree and a man?
A Christmas tree will stay 'up' for 12 nights, has cute balls and looks good with the lights on.

..............

I told this girl I've started seeing that there's something she needs to know about me... I have a very intense foot fetish.
She gave me a wink and said, "That's more than ok and perhaps we can do something with that tonight !"
For some reason her mood completely changed though when I brought her home and showed her my collection of severed ones.

..............

The three stages of man:

1. He believes in Santa.
2. He doesn't believe in Santa.
3. He is Santa.

..............

I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.
That priest is in jail now.

..............

I see the U.S. will provide financial aid to Ukraine if the leaders confront corruption.
Because if anything stops corruption, it's bribing someone to stop corruption.

..............

Snow. The only time a woman gets excited over 4 inches.

..............

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Old Yesterday, 06:53 PM
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Following a sexist joke I made the other day, the Feminist Society now has my address.
Fortunately none of them can read a map!

................

Proud to say I did my first book signing in Waterstones today!
I managed to write my name in 27 books before someone threw me out!

................

VEGETARIANS. Robert Plant makes an ideal alternative to Meat Loaf.

................

My wife had just given birth to a baby boy.
10 pounds.
Or nearest offer.
I need the money for drugs.

.................

"What a day, the place was full of cheats, paedophiles, liars, and all other kind of criminals. I'm not visiting there again. "
"That bad eh? Which prison did you visit?"
"Prison? I've been to the houses of parliament."

.................

As we sailed into port, I told my pirate crew, "We're going to kill all the men, and rape all the women!"
A cheer went up from the sailors.
I continued, "Fucking get it right this time!"

..................

I called my son's teacher this morning and said, "He won't be coming in today, he's got diarrhea and has just followed through in his pants. And he is embarrassed"
"Fair enough, " he said, "It's going around the school."
"Is it?" I asked.
"Yes," he laughed, "I'm telling everyone."

...................

Princes William and Harry were supposed to play Storm Troopers in the latest Star Wars movie, but due to an unfortunate misunderstanding they showed up in the wrong uniforms.

....................

Just as we were going to bed my wife was looking through her wardrobe,
"Just look at this lot, " she said, "I challenge you to try and see if you can make me look good in anything, "
So I casually turned the light off.

....................

I have tried every trick in the book to make my girlfriend call out my name in bed, but nothing has worked.
My last hope now is to change my name to "Already?"

....................

With only six weeks left to live, I decided to see a faith healer.
I don't think it's done me any good.
The judge said that my execution would go ahead as planned.

....................

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