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Old 18-10-2017, 07:20 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,694
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I got thrown out of a strip club last night for using Monopoly money.
I don’t see why I should pay real money to see fake boobs.

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They say that time is a great healer. That’s why when you go to the doctors surgery they keep you waiting for so long.

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I felt like a real gentleman when I opened the door for my Mother in Law the other day.
Mind you, I was doing 60mph at the time.

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Why is business so hard. I'm closing my restaurant this week. I've advertised on the TV, radio, newspapers and even sent out fliers with no success. It's called ''the G spot''. Nice food, lovely restaurant and good prices. Everyone has heard about it but no one can find it.

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Why do men always give their jackets to woman when they are cold?
Because no one wants a blow job from a woman when her teeth are chattering.

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My Atheist mate was waving a bible around in front of me in a friendly discussion, "You show me one thing in here you can prove and I will buy you beer for a month, " he said. So I took the bible and browsed through it, "There you go, " I said, "lager for a month please. It has 1143 pages. "

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It's not a recession until your internet is cut off and you have to masturbate to the woman in the red bikini on the Special-K box.

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Breaking news: serious coach crash on the M4 near Cardiff. Apparently someone asked the driver how many sexual partners he’d had and he fell asleep at the wheel.

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Bought one of those Motorway service station Meal Deals for £10 today.
A Mars Bar.

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After a succession of failed relationships with younger women my mate suggested I should try a relationship with a cougar.
The fucking thing nearly ripped my nutsack off!

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What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A golden retriever!

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I was just viewing a woman's profile on a dating website, 'Blonde 33 From London Great Personality 5ft 3 Green Eyes.'
Don't get me wrong, I got nothing against short women, but, 3 green eyes?
No wonder she's single.

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Wayne Rooney bought himself a copy of GQ magazine, but he was well disappointed....
He thought it stood for Granny Quim.

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I joined a website to find a hot Russian Single.
3 weeks later a received a record titled На краю in the post.

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