100% Biker & Trike Magazine Forums

Go Back   100% Biker & Trike Magazine Forums > 100% Biker > Down The Pub

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1261  
Old 18-10-2017, 07:20 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,698
Default

I got thrown out of a strip club last night for using Monopoly money.
I don’t see why I should pay real money to see fake boobs.

.....................

They say that time is a great healer. That’s why when you go to the doctors surgery they keep you waiting for so long.

.....................

I felt like a real gentleman when I opened the door for my Mother in Law the other day.
Mind you, I was doing 60mph at the time.

.....................

Why is business so hard. I'm closing my restaurant this week. I've advertised on the TV, radio, newspapers and even sent out fliers with no success. It's called ''the G spot''. Nice food, lovely restaurant and good prices. Everyone has heard about it but no one can find it.

.....................

Why do men always give their jackets to woman when they are cold?
Because no one wants a blow job from a woman when her teeth are chattering.

.....................

My Atheist mate was waving a bible around in front of me in a friendly discussion, "You show me one thing in here you can prove and I will buy you beer for a month, " he said. So I took the bible and browsed through it, "There you go, " I said, "lager for a month please. It has 1143 pages. "

.....................

It's not a recession until your internet is cut off and you have to masturbate to the woman in the red bikini on the Special-K box.

.....................

Breaking news: serious coach crash on the M4 near Cardiff. Apparently someone asked the driver how many sexual partners he’d had and he fell asleep at the wheel.

.....................

Bought one of those Motorway service station Meal Deals for £10 today.
A Mars Bar.

.....................

After a succession of failed relationships with younger women my mate suggested I should try a relationship with a cougar.
The fucking thing nearly ripped my nutsack off!

.....................

What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A golden retriever!

.....................

I was just viewing a woman's profile on a dating website, 'Blonde 33 From London Great Personality 5ft 3 Green Eyes.'
Don't get me wrong, I got nothing against short women, but, 3 green eyes?
No wonder she's single.

.....................

Wayne Rooney bought himself a copy of GQ magazine, but he was well disappointed....
He thought it stood for Granny Quim.

.....................

I joined a website to find a hot Russian Single.
3 weeks later a received a record titled На краю in the post.

.....................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1262  
Old 19-10-2017, 07:58 AM
Biker Buster's Avatar
Biker Buster Biker Buster is offline
It's about time I shut the fuck up!
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Near Glasgow
Posts: 1,694
Default

A soldier in the Household Cavalry has been admitted to hospital after a bizarre sex game went wrong, leaving him with 6 model horses lodged in an embarrasing personal orifice. His condition is being described as 'stable'.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #1263  
Old 19-10-2017, 04:59 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,698
Default

"Boob"
"B" is the aerial view
"oo" is the front view and
"b" is the side view

.................

What's the difference between a man and a condom?
Condoms have changed... They're no longer thick and insensitive!

..................

Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.

..................

This year I'm going to a Halloween party in Liverpool dressed as a job application form.

That should scare the shit out of everyone.

...................

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.
So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die.

...................

You know it as it channel 4's Embarrassing Bodies.
I call it "Wank Roulette"

...................

I couldn't believe it when my 19-year old son won the lottery and didn't want to have anything to do with me when I rang to congratulate him.
His foster family have obviously raised him to be a right tight cunt.

...................

" Never put off til tomorrow what you can do today " is my advice to everyone. ..
And that's how I got sacked from the Samaritans.

...................

I've finally found something my wife's bum doesn't look big in.
The distance.

...................

What have Celtic, Theresa May, and 3 pin plugs got in common?
They're all fucking useless when it comes to Europe.

...................

Life is like a box of chocolates.
If you hesitate, you end up with a shit one.

...................

How many accident-prone people does it take to change a lightbulb?
We're on our sixth.

....................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1264  
Old 20-10-2017, 04:21 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,698
Default

Ice Ice Baby.........
Fred West going through his chest freezer

..............

I approached a lady at the bar last night and asked.
"Can I buy you a drink?"
"Hmm," she smiled, "What's in it for me?"
"Rohypnol," I replied.

..............

My wife had her first hot flush this morning.
That's Polish plumbers for you.

..............

Two elderly ladies are enjoying a cup of tea when one says "I'm going to get a boob job"
The other says "That's nothing, I'm going to get my arsehole bleached"
The first one replies, "You know, I can't imagine your husband liking his hair being blonde"

.............

I pulled up next to a 7 year old on his way home from school today. "I'll give you a bag of sweets if you get into the car." I said. "No thanks. And I don't want your sweets." He replied. "Oh come on." I asked. "How about a bag of sweets and a tenner?" "No! Fuck off you nonce!" He shouted. "Ok look, how about two bags of sweets and twenty quid?" I said. "For fucks sake! No!" He replied. "Dad, I Love you, but I am not getting into your Reliant Robin."

..............

The wife and I were walking home from the pub when I saw a filthy white van. I walked over to it and wrote, "I wish my wife was this dirty!" She said, "That's disgusting. It just proves what a pervert you are." I said, "Calm down love. It's only a joke." She said, "I know that, but you didn't need to write it with your cock."

..............

Knock knock.
"Who's there?"
"Dejav."
"Dejav who?"
Knock knock.

..............

Last night I had a dream about shagging my best mate from behind.
I think it's my subconscious trying to tell me he's gay.

..............

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1265  
Old 21-10-2017, 05:20 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,698
Default

I really love my fanbase.
Without it, my fan would fall over.

...............

I've just seen an umbrella fly past my fucking window.
Oh well, R.I.P Mary Poppins.

................

Took me ages to find the Halloween section in Lidl.
Every time I thought I'd found the display it turned out to be customers.

................

A young lad knocked on my door last Halloween and said, "Trick or Treat?"
I said, "What have you come as?"
He said, "A werewolf."
I said, "but you haven't got a costume on, you're just in normal clothes."
He said, "Well it's not a full moon yet is it, dickhead."

................

Went to the cinema yesterday and was buying popcorn, a drink and some sweets.
I said, "I'm ever so sorry, I've only got a £50 note."
The lady said, "That's ok, you can put the sweets back!"

.................

Great day out in London but Network rail are full of shit . A sign said if you stand too close to the edge of the platform you get sucked off... five fucking hours i was stood there.

.................

After sex last night my new girlfriend snuggled up to me and said, 'You know, you’re easily the biggest I’ve ever had.'
Apparently, 'Ditto' wasn’t the correct response.

.................

The United Nations appoint Robert Mugabe as a 'Goodwill Ambassador'.
A bit like making Harvey Weinstein a 'Women's Ambassador'.

.................

My three kids were absolutely furious when I told them that after I die, everything I own is going to Charity.
They're still pissed that I married my favourite stripper after their mum passed.

.................

David Blaine has announced plans to top his stunt on the river Thames, he will live in a confined 6'x8' environment for about 15 years.

.................

I hate it when a couple start having an argument in front of you.
They could at least have waited until I got dressed and left.

................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1266  
Old 22-10-2017, 11:45 AM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,698
Default

Kate and Gerry Mccann have just found out that she is pregnant again.
They've already decided to give it up for abduction.

..................

My wife was watching an old black and white film, "Look, he's in her bedroom and there's not a hint of filth or sex, " she said.
"There won't be, " I replied, "they're married. "

..................

My missus is going to a fancy dress party tonight, she went out yesterday and hired a costume.
She said to me this morning "Wait there, I'll try it on and tell me what you think"?
She came in,I looked at her and said "Wow, that's a fabulous costume, you will easily win a prize with that, it's the most realistic killer whale costume I've ever seen"
She replied "I'm going as a fucking nun, you bastard"

...................

Chelsea beat Watford 4-2 away today, a great result for the team's Gay fans. Nothing like seeing your boys come from behind.

...................

You can say what you like about Hitler but he really saved the history channel.

...................

I can totally relate to batteries.
I’m never included in anything either.

...................

BBC NEWS: Trump to release JFK files.
He reckons it's time to let the world know Colonel Sanders' secret recipe.

...................

They say you should keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
Although that's not working out too well for Palestine.

...................

I just sent a subscription off to a website that promised me instructions on how to make my woman tremble and shake, drive my woman crazy.......
All it said was " Stop flushing the toilet and leave the seat upright"...........

...................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1267  
Old 23-10-2017, 05:56 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,698
Default

The NHS say that masturbating twice a week increases your life expectancy by 20%. I've done the calculations and found out that I'm immortal.

....................

My wife and I went to a therapist as our sex life was shit, "Explain with a film title what you think the problems are, " said the therapist.
"Gone in sixty seconds, " said my wife.
"Enter the dragon, " I replied.

....................

The UN claim their choice of Robert Mugabe was their first ever mistake.
Oh yes! Wasn't it them cunts who made Tony Blair a Middle East Peace Envoy?

....................

A white van man pulls up at a set of traffic lights in the Black Country, he spots a blonde woman, winds his window down and shouts "Love, is there a B and Q in Wolverhampton?"
Blonde replies "Dunno mate but I know there are 2 D's in Dudley!"

....................

What do rednecks do at Halloween?
Pumpkin.

....................

Deja Moo.
That feeling you get when you wake up next to the same fucking cow every day.

....................

Did you hear about the dyslexic Muslim suicide bomber?
He turned up in heaven and was greeted by 72 vegans.

....................

My son will soon be getting to that age where he acts like my cat.
He'll start bringing birds home in such poor condition, I'll have to take them into the back garden and kill them with a brick.

....................

World health organisation cancels Robert Mugabe goodwill ambassador role. Well lets be fair that appointment would have been like giving Jimmy Savile an OBE for children services..... Oh wait?

....................

What do Ronald Koeman and the Titanic have in common?
Neither should have left Southampton.

....................

When I was growing up in the 1970's it was perfectly acceptable for a teenage boy to fiddle with a tranny under the bedsheets at night.

....................

The garage where Steve Jobs founded Apple is to be turned into a museum.
The previous application to turn it into a granny flat was turned down by his estate when they refused to allow windows to be installed.

....................

I went out for a kickaround with my girlfriend last weekend. I must have scored 100 goals against her in the first 10 minutes.
It was then I realised she wasn't a keeper.

.....................

Three actors who previously played Dr Who have been accused of rape.
The Metropolitan Police have opened an investigation. So have the Roman Senate, the Witenagemot, and the Intergallactic Council.

.....................

The Everton job?
Robert Mugabe is available.

.....................

I have a job interview tomorrow, and I'm going to show them that I'm good at delegating responsibility.
I'm sending someone else to it.

.....................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1268  
Old 24-10-2017, 02:36 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,698
Default

The waiter asked, "Would you like to hear today's special?"
"Yes please," I smiled...
"Today is special," he replied, then walked off.

...................

Went to a swinger’s party last night in my army uniform.
Had to leave my khakis in the bowl.

...................

Opinions are like orgasms...
Mine is more important, and I don’t really care if you have one.

...................

BREAKING: Liverpool manager has resigned! He's taking his family home to Germany.
The Klopps go back this weekend!

...................

I was grilling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices started to make my mouth water...
Got me thinking, do vegans get the same reaction when mowing the lawn?

...................

I'm thinking about asking my ex wife to re-marry me.
But I'm worried she will think I'm just after her for my money.

...................

Halloween Pumpkins: Large Orange, scary things with a few teeth missing. Norwich girls: see above.

...................

Was in the Chemist shop earlier and said to the assistant..."Wow..your really going for the Halloween thing this year with the zombie costumes"
"No Sir" she said.."that's the queue for methadone."

...................

"I caught my twelve-year-old son looking up women's skirts today," I told the barman after my second whiskey.
"That's pretty normal for a twelve-year-old, isn't it?" he asked.
"Not on Fucking eBay it isn't!" I said.

...................

As things have escalated between North Korea and America. The Americans have revealed their secret weapon.
British troops.

...................

What do the grammar police and gay men have in common.
They're both concerned: with the improper use of the colon.

...................

As the head started to emerge out of my wife's vagina, I said, "That is beautiful."
"Not really," exclaimed the doctor, "How did she get an action man stuck in her pussy?"

...................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1269  
Old 25-10-2017, 02:03 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,698
Default

After thirty seven years of marriage I've finally found my missus's G spot.
Who would have thought that her sister had it all along.

................

If I ever win the lottery, the first thing I'm going to buy is a pot to piss in.
I've always wanted one of those.

................

I’m a scientist who’s researching bestiality between humans and dogs.
I’ll be in my lab.

................

OMG i can't believe my wife has kicked me out JUST for measuring my penis. Just for the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat..........

.................

I've started my own website which provides videos of people pissing on each other.
It's a streaming service.

.................

I've started jogging again but now I've realised that I've been in pretty bad shape for a long time.
When I ran past the cemetery, two blokes with shovels chased after me.

.................

Tess Daly?
If she was my bird, it would be Tess Hourly.

.................

A White House spokesman has described Donald Trump as a "fighter".
What?
Where was the draft dodging chickenshit when it came to a real scrap in Vietnam?

.................

News: US inmates offered shorter sentences for getting a vasectomy.
My attorney is trying to get my sentence reduced to the rhythm method.

.................

I was watching a sex show in Bangkok with my mate who's not easily impressed. A Thai girl came out and laid down on a snooker table. She opened her legs, fired a cue ball out and potted the black.
"Fuck me!" I said, "That takes some skill. Even you must be impressed with that."
"Not really," he replied, "If she'd put a bit of side on it she could have held position on the next red."

.................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1270  
Old 26-10-2017, 09:24 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,698
Default

He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.

................

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.
But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.

................

My girlfriend just sent me a text: "I will get my son into bed at 7pm tonight, then we can watch porn and have sex, how does that sound? xxx"
I texted back: "It's up to you, he's your son, as long as I can watch? xxx"

.................

Paddy is going really well on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. He's got to £500,000 with all his lifelines.
Chris: OK Paddy, for £1,000,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers was it:-
Ronnie Biggs
Ronnie O'Sullivan
Ronnie Corbett
Ronnie Wood
Take your time
Paddy: I'll take the money Chris
Chris: Are you sure, you've still got 3 lifelines
Paddy: I'm sure Chris,I'll take the money
Chris: OK audience give him a big round of applause, but before you go Paddy I'm sure you'd like to know the answer.
Paddy: I know the answer Chris.
Chris: You know the answer? You've just turned down a million quid, are you mad? are you mental?
Paddy: I may be mental Chris but I'm no feckin grass.

..................

Paddy goes into a builder’s yard and orders 20,000 bricks.
"May I ask what you're building?" asks the man behind the counter.
"Yes, it's going to be a barbecue."
“That’s a lot of bricks just for one barbecue," he says.
Paddy says "Not really - I live on the 18th floor."

..................

I thought I saw my father-in-law in drag yesterday.
But it was just my wife without makeup.

..................

I've always been extremely proud that my father followed long family tradition and named his first born after himself.
My sister Reginald hates it though...

..................

The Sunday Sport once reported a bus had been found on the moon.
The Mail on Sunday reported it was driven by an illegal immigrant and it was forty minutes late.

..................

A couple of Jehovah's Witnesses tried to trick their way into my house but I told them to fuck off.
Sneaky cunts, dressing up in police uniforms and telling me they've got a warrant!

..................

The Pope has been talking to astronauts on the International Space Station: The first time the silly old cunt has spoken to someone in the heavens that actually exists.

.................,

What's got a big orange head and scares people?
A trumpkin.

..................

"Your eyes look red," said the cop, "have you been smoking weed?"
"Your eyes look glazed," I replied, "have you been eating donuts?"

..................

I fancied a change today and one of my colleagues suggested during my lunch break I should try 'Five Guys'.
Not a good idea, this afternoon I'm starving and my arse is really really sore.

..................

I didn't see much of myself in my newborn daughter until I babysat her last night. At feeding time I made up a bottle for her. She drank far too much, then burped, threw up and fell asleep. Now I see the resemblance.

..................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1271  
Old 27-10-2017, 05:28 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,698
Default

I gave up playing rugby at school.
All the teacher kept saying was "nice try"

................

I went into a sex shop today.
I was really shocked to find out how much all my wife's vibrators cost!
She's been sitting on a small fortune!

................

I once Googled, 'How to commit murder and get away with it'.
The first result was, 'Don't Google how to commit murder and get away with it'.

................

Everton have at least 2 more seasons left in the Premiership.
Winter and Spring

................

As child, I was forced to walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.

................

After dropping my new girlfriend home the other night after our first date, she told me I'd have to wait 3 months before she would have sex with me. I told her I totally understood and respected her decision and that I'd ring her again nearer that time.

................

My AA counsellor told me, "If you start drinking again, take a really good look in the mirror."
I wish I hadn't listened to him.
There's blue lights and cop cars fucking everywhere.

.................

I got some of that Rohypnol that Harvey Weinstein was using.
My Mate Dave says to me, "Better check the Best Before date."
So I had a look. It said, 'Best before they become famous'.

.................

Be very careful about agreeing to do it doggy style with a Korean.

.................

I think my wife might have got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for Christmas.
I've just found a big piece of it hidden under her bed.

.................

'Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective'
'You're still fucking late' replied my boss.

.................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1272  
Old 28-10-2017, 07:18 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,698
Default

What's with this vajazzle stuff?
In my day a cunt covered in jewellery was called Mr T.

................

Remember kids. NEVER take sweets from strangers.
Well, apart from this weekend, when everyone is worshiping the Devil.
Then that's fine.

................

3 litres of Frosty Jack for £3.59.
That's why bums go to Iceland.

................

We're quite similar to Muslims really. Last night I was kneeling on a mat, head bowed and praying to God.
The only difference was that I was facing the toilet instead of Mecca.

.................

If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a night it increases the likelihood of a stroke. If she drinks the whole bottle, then she's likely to throw in a blow job as well.

.................

Terrible news. Cowell rushed to hospital after horror fall.
After a seven hour operation surgeons sadly reported they still couldn't remove his head from his arse.

.................

My girlfriend said to me this morning, "Man U were shit last night."
I left in tears.
4 minutes is a personal best for me.

.................

Just bought a massive vagina costume for Halloween.
I'm going as an iphone user.

.................

I was in Subway with my wife earlier.
She pointed at the bread display and giggled "Your cock looks just like one of those."
"What, a foot long?" I replied, smugly.
"No, covered in cheese."

.................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1273  
Old 29-10-2017, 12:30 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,698
Default

I don't agree with the new law on not smoking in a car with under 18's in it. Last week my kids got soaking wet in the rain while I was having a fag in the car. They were literally banging on the windows begging me to let them in, but as I explained to them, it's illegal.

......................

I'm watching Match of The Day holding an x-box controller.
Just to fuck with my wife's head.

......................

Just got back from a week of fly fishing in Ireland. I knew it was going to be a bit of a struggle when I asked the gamekeeper - "whereabouts can I find the most salmon?".
"Between the head and the tail" he replied.....

......................

I remember when I knocked out the school bully, I thought I'd be an instant hero, but apparently it was 'appalling behaviour' for a parent.

......................

I never realised how realistic these 3D televisions were until I fell asleep watching Liverpool the other night on "Match of the Day".
When I awoke, my wallet and stereo had been nicked.

......................

Sex with me is like reading a book.
I don't stop until I reach the appendix.

......................

What's the difference between Frankenstein and Weinstein?
One put a bolt through the neck and scared the shit out of filmgoers, the other put a bolt on his door and scared the shit out of actresses.

......................

I was having sex with a Psychic last night.
But after 2 minutes, she gave me a very disappointed look.
She must have seen me coming.

......................

Who dresses in red and nobody believes in them?
Liverpool.

......................

How do deaf people tell the difference between someone coughing and someone mimicking a blowjob?

......................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1274  
Old 30-10-2017, 06:23 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,698
Default

I was walking down the road when I suddenly thought..
Who picks up a guide dog’s shit?

................

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
Annette.

................

I was in Toys R Us today when I noticed a really long queue. I asked a member of staff, "What's happening there mate?" He said, "That's the Barbie queue." Then like a dick, I stood in it for forty five minutes trying to get a burger.

................

What do you call an elevator filled with intelligent, slim, polite people?
A lift.

...............

Halloween.
The only time paedophiles get home delivery.

..............

I found a badly injured owl in our garden last night so I tried to put it out of its misery. Took three fucking hours to wring its neck.

..............

Just thought I'd nip over to my Nan's, and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch.
She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer...I'll pop back next year!

..............

Lewis Hamilton isn't the only F1 driver with a Scottish town in his name. There's also..Stirling Moss, Eddie Irvine, Johnny Dumfries and Ayr toon centre.

..............

Well, well, well... Welcome to stutter class.

..............

With Halloween coming up, my kids and I were looking through some old family photo albums. "Here's one with granddad dressed as a ghost," laughed my daughter. "I remember that," I said, "But it was weird how all his mates would dress as ghosts too."

..............

I phoned the jaundice clinic.
"Yellow...." said the receptionist.

..............

I gave my grandad some money because he said he badly needed some surgery doing. I walked into his house today and caught him shagging a young blonde woman on the sofa. "Bloody hell, grandad!" I said, "You promised me that you'd spend that money on the surgery that you desperately needed...." "I did," he replied, "doesn't your Nan look great!?"

..............

What's a necrophiliac's favourite kind of woman?
A chilly 'un.

..............

In an effort to improve our home life I promised my wife I would shower her with love.
Apparently, jerking-off on her while she’s asleep doesn’t count.
It’s the spare room again tonight.

..............

I told my boss that someone was stealing my sandwiches so he told me to I should do something to try and catch the thief out. So I told him today how I'd wiped my arse on the bread and spunked all over the cheese. "Hahaha! Brilliant! Did you see who the thief was?" he asked "Nobody stole them today" I said "So I had them myself"

..............

Scientists have found that dogs and humans share a lot of DNA.
This explains why my wife's a bitch, my kids hate a bath and if I could I would lick my own bollocks.

..............

I dream of a better tomorrow when chickens can cross the road & not be questioned about their motives.

..............

Sadly, the town where I live has developed a massive drugs problem over the last few years. I can't get any gear from anywhere.

..............

My boss just told me I've won the employee of the month.
I don't even remember buying a raffle ticket, but I hope it's Carol in the office, she's got massive tits.

..............

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1275  
Old 31-10-2017, 06:58 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,698
Default

I'm not saying my wife's ugly, but she went next door to tell them to keep the noise down and she came back with some sweets.

..................

My daughter asked "Why is the soap in the shower hanging on a rope?"
I replied "Because it's seen your mother naked"

..................

Success is like pregnancy... Everyone congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

..................

What bounces and makes kids cry?
My donation cheque to Children in Need.

..................

I pulled this bird last night and took her back to my place. When I woke up this morning, she was holding a picture "Is this your wife?" she asked with a frown. "Yes it is" I said "She's died" "Oh my God!" she said "I'm so sorry. How did your children take it?" "I haven't told them yet" I replied "they stayed at their Nan's last night"

..................

I hate people who can't let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.

..................

I pulled a bird the last night and took her back to my house. As I lay back on the bed, she slowly unbuttoned my jeans and said, "Fancy a blow job?"
"Of course", I replied, "but I must warn you, the last girl gagged on my cock."
"Oooo! Big is it?" She giggled.
"No, I never wash it."

...................

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are discussing family. Englishman says, "My son was born on St George's Day so I called him George!" "What a coincidence!" says the Scotsman, "My son was born on St Andrews Day so I called him Andrew!" "Jaysus!" says the Irishman, "That's fucking amazing!, wait 'til I go home and tell our son, Pancake!

..................

I'll never forget the time I had to use an oxygen mask for a Ryanair flight.
It was just after the help-desk told me the extra baggage fees.

..................

Theresa may on sex pest ministers: "MPs could have the whip withdrawn" Well that might be a start Theresa but you should probably confiscate the rest of their sex toys as well.

..................

I came into the living room and the kids has the telly on. My missus was talking to her friend when I piped up, "I've always wanted to be in Miley Cyrus". "You mean you have always wanted to be in the show, 'Hannah Montana' STARRING Miley Cyrus, you fucking idiot" she said, laughing with her friend. I know what I meant.

..................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1276  
Old 01-11-2017, 02:37 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,698
Default

I don't mean to brag but I just ate my dinner without taking a picture of it first.

...............

Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all going for a job as a code breaker for Scotland yard. Their first test is to pick the odd one out from 3 objects. A cabbage, a potato and a knife.
The Englishman walks in and the interviewer asks him which is the odd one out.
The Englishman replies, “The knife, because the other 2 are vegetables.” He passes the test and is told to send the 2nd man in.
The Scotsman enters and after being asked he also replies, “The knife, because the other 2 are foods.” He passes and is asked to send the Irishman in.
When asked the odd one out he replies, “The cabbage!” The interviewer says, “What, how did you get that answer?”
The Irishman replies, “Well, you can make chips with the other two!"

..............

Last night the doorbell rang and there was a little kid dressed as Gloria Gaynor.
At first I was afraid........Then I was petrified!

..............

Last Night I saw a host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.
It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.

..............

What do you call a woman who's trying to get to the front of a crowd?
Jocelyn.

..............

I walked in the bedroom to find my wife dead in the bed the other day.
Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go. Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted BOO! Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head.

..............

As I watched the TV this morning I was horrified by what I saw. Why are we subjected to this first thing in the morning?
The twisted mangled wreck of a bike. What a massive cunt!
But anyway. Enough about Katie Price.

..............

My Muslim neighbour knocked on my door today, she asked, "Have you seen Maheed lately?"
"Nope," I replied, "just your eyes."

..............

Las Vegas and Scunthorpe:- the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips....

..............

My wife's got Parkinson's disease.
She's always asking me questions.

..............

What's the point of carrying out a terrorist attack near Ground Zero?
It's like receiving a goat from an ISIS member - you know it's been fucked before.

..............

Darts, the only sport where the players have bigger tits than the promo girls.

..............

I'm going to sue my mother for sexual assault!
When I was a newborn baby she made me suck her tits....

..............

Thank goodness for that... Stoptober is over!
It's time to get some serious training and practice in for " cannae remember December."

..............

The bloke who stole the EastEnders Christmas script is selling it at £4000.
That's like buying the world's most expensive toilet paper and finding somebody's already smeared shit over it.

..............

Apparently Boko Haram have been kidnapping Nigerian children, fuck me!, what happened to all the royalties from "Whiter Shade of Pale!"

..............

"We're going to be together for the rest of our lives," smiled my girlfriend as we flew out to our dream holiday in Hawaii.
"You seem pretty sure of yourself," I replied.
"I am," she said, gazing out the window. "The left wing's fallen off and the engine's on fire."

..............

I think it's a shame that young people today no longer even know why we celebrate Halloween.
None of us would be here today if Jesus hadn't slain that giant pumpkin.

..............

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1277  
Old 02-11-2017, 07:13 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,698
Default

My Granddad knew from the beginning that the Titanic would sink.
He warned everyone but no one would listen.
He tried a few more times until he finally got kicked out of the cinema!

.............

How do you know when you're in a Jewish household?
There's a fork in the sugar bowl.

.............

Just been watching the news and apparently police are holding three men over a fire in West London...
Seems a Bit harsh, I wonder what they've done.

.............

I pulled a gypsy bird last night, she asked did I wanna come back to hers for a good time.....she wasn't fucking kidding I went on the dodgems, waltzers, ghost train and came home with a goldfish.

.............

Following Michael Fallon's resignation for sexual misconduct it is believed Theresa May will soon be forced to resign for fucking the British public.

.............

A 12 year old boy gets hit by a car at a busy intersection.
A woman witnesses the entire event and runs over to the little boy, who’s lying on the ground in a pool of blood.
She gently cradles the boy’s head in her arms and whispers, “Do you need a priest?”
The boy moans, “How you can think of sex at a time like this?”

............

Did you hear about the dyslexic Swedish lesbian who was seen licking her partner's Volvo?

............

My wife suggested we spice up our sex lives with 'doctors and nurses' role play.
So I put her on a trolley and ignored her for two days.

............

William Hill must be shitting it, I only need Richard Gere to get nicked for fucking a goat, and I'll have a 6000/1 accumulator.

............

AK47
A terrorist's favourite poker hand.

............

The body of a woman has been found in Glasgow.
Police say there is evidence to suggest she had been battered.
Fuck me them Scots will try and deep fry anything.

............

I was fired from the keyboard factory today.
I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

............

Asda has stopped selling kiwi fruit to under 25s as people are taking them to the Harry Styles concert and they are throwing them at him when he sings his song Kiwi.
That does it i am taking my 14 year old to the Bruno Mars concert and i cant wait for him to sing grenade.

............

I went along to the local Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting but all the seats were taken.

............

I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old.

It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two, then before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed, then for a stronger buzz, I moved onto ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin. I was a complete mess. I was skint and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

............

I gave my wife a nudge in bed.
"Love, are you awake?" I whispered.
"What is it?" she asked.
"Do you remember the other day you said you'd give me a blow job credit if I mowed the lawn, and then I mowed the lawn?"
"Shit! Yeah I remember."
"Well I used it in work today, thanks."

............

Adam and Eve: The first people to not read the Apple terms and conditions.

............

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1278  
Old 03-11-2017, 07:43 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,698
Default

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mum.

..............

What’s Batman’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA
Grapefruit.

..............

Just seen a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
He said he’ll be fine, he’s just going through a rough patch.

..............

I’m not saying my credit record is bad, but the bank wouldn’t even lend me a pen to fill in my loan application!

..............

Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey and Dustin Hoffman walk into an Irish themed pub in New York.
The bartender says, "Oh no, not Yewtree again!"

..............

My girlfriend asked me if I fancied some domination and humiliation games, so I agreed.

Now we're married.

.............

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two."

She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

..............

I asked this Geordie what time Lidl was open.
He said "Aldi"
I said "No. Lidl"

..............

Ian Brady ashes buried at sea in a weighted urn.
No one will ever find his remains.

How wonderfully ironic.

..............

When my mum was in labour, my head got stuck in her fanny and the midwife had to pull me out.
That's how excited I was to see my little brother.

.............

My daughter came running in and said, "Daddy, I've just seen two fairies at the bottom of the garden."
Humouring her I said, "Really, what were they doing?"
She said, "Sucking each other's cocks."

.............

I think I’ve got a solution to all these sexual harassment claims. It’s so simple I can’t figure out why no one else thought of it! What if we make women wear head to toe shapeless robes (in black of course as it’s slimming), and maybe a headdress to cover their faces. Additionally if they’re meeting a man they’re chaperoned by a member of their family at all times. I’m pretty sure that’ll do the trick.
Oh, hang on a minute.........

.............

Well the sun came out today so I thought I'd give my bike a quick blast.
I saw two girls while I was out and thought I'd impress them by popping a wheelie. I pulled up beside them and put the beast on its stand.
They giggled as I removed my helmet and unzipped my leather jacket.
But I think it was the way I threw my bicycle clips into the front basket that made them go weak at the knees.

.............

My teenage daughter was getting distraught about her breasts not developing.
"It's nothing to worry about, your mother's breasts are tiny," I said to her.
"Yes," she replied. "But look what she ended up with."

.............

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1279  
Old 04-11-2017, 06:58 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,698
Default

How much do Cockney's pay for shampoo?
Pantene.

...............

I was going to commit suicide by jumping off a cliff; I looked down and noticed I was above a nudist beach.
So I tossed myself off.

...............

A man walks into a library and asks for a book on Tourette’s.
Librarian: “Fuck off, you twat!”
Man: “Yes that’s the one!”

..............

Seen on the news Aldi is closing 50 stores. Damn that means like 3 cashiers are gonna be outta work!

..............

BMW to recall one million vehicles in North America.
Finally, they are going to fit some fucking indicators.

..............

I really don't get those 'Baby On Board' stickers. What am I supposed to do? Hang out the window and scream 'Oh she's got her mothers' eyes' from the overtaking lane?

..............

Sports Quiz.

Name the venue and year that a boxer had a shit on the floor straight after being awarded the title.
Crufts 1987.

..............

I phoned the samaritans and said "Im at the top of Beachy head and I'm gonna toss myself off."
The woman on the other end of the line said "what about the people below?" I said "don't worry love they'll probably think it's just bird shit".

..............

When I went to Vegas I Met tons of celebrities.
Kevin Spacey was an amazing Black Jack player because he always hit on everything under seventeen.

..............

My dad got a bit of stick at work when he announced his retirement.
Bit shit really, he was expecting a gold watch.

..............

I think I was 10 years old before I realised that my club wasn’t actually named “West Bromwich 0”.

..............

"British holidaymaker 'faces death penalty' after taking painkillers into Egypt for husband's sore back"
That sounds a Draconian punishment for six kilogrammes of morphine.

..............

The BBC are in trouble again Sooty and Sweep claim that the BBC knew for years that some bloke was sticking his fingers up their arseholes and did nothing about it.

..............

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1280  
Old 05-11-2017, 06:35 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,698
Default

How do I disable the auto-correct function on my wife?

..................

The Mrs started her menstrual cycle today and she’s bet me that I can’t go a week without making a joke out of it.
I said you’re on!

..................

My girlfriend is temperamental.

50% temper.
50% mental.

..................

A group of Hooded teenagers just came up to me outside the shop and asked if I'd get some bangers for them if they gave me the money.
Should of seen their faces when I came out with 5 packs of sausages.

..................

Why the fuck do people say, "He's a nice person once you get to know him?"
They might as well just say, "He's a Wanker, but you'll get used to him."

..................

What will happen at the first lesbian divorce?
How will both of them get three quarters of everything?

..................

Shout out to all the Syrian refugees and immigrants living in the UK this weekend.
Bet you're feeling right at home.

..................

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

..................

Marriage! Been there, done that, she's got the tee shirt.

..................

I wonder if fit girls get a pop up on their laptop saying "A fat bloke from Wolverhampton wants to have sex with you"?

..................

Why don't they have Bonfire Night on the continent?
Every time they set the fireworks off the French & Italians try to surrender.

..................

Guy Fawkes. Keeping people awake since 1605!

..................

I asked my son why he wants to marry so young.
He said it's so he can have sex whenever he feels like it...
He's in for quite a surprise.

..................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1281  
Old 06-11-2017, 07:14 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,698
Default

THE 21ST CENTURY...
Where deleting history is more important than making it.

................

I recently lost my job as a teacher!, I got caught shagging the ugliest teacher in the school.
Gross Miss Conduct.

................

Just got a new job as a waiter.
The pay isn’t great, but it puts food on the table.

................

They say makeup sex is the best!
I must be doing it wrong though, and now I’ve gone and got a lipstick stuck up my bum.

................

Why did Elon Musk choose SpaceX to land on the moon?
Because if he chose SpaceY it would land on a 14 year old boy.

................

The mass shooter in Texas is named Devin Patrick Kelley:
When informed, Trump said: "That's a fucking strange name for a Muslim."

................

What about all these religious cranks asking God to be with the dozens of people shot dead in a service in Texas?
For fuck's sake! He couldn't even look after them in a fucking church!!

...............

Channel 4 are said to be delighted at the viewing figures for the final of the Great British Bake off of 7.1 million.
That's 1.1 million more than the Great German Bake Off.

...............

Lukaku had less touches today than a Tory cabinet minister.

...............

Harvey Weinstein

Helping women put their careers before their moral values and personal integrity since 1980.

...............

Sharon Osbourne says Harvey Weinstein never touched her and wonders why.
Because he's a sex pervert, not a necrophiliac.

...............

My wife used to think that the sun shone out of my arse.....
until she found out that the brown stains in my boxers weren't caused by sunburn.

...............

My firework display last night was so fucking good ISIS have claimed responsibility for it!

...............

I've found out how to make Windows run faster.
I installed the French version.

...............

What's Yellow,White And Blue And Has A Tight Cunt At One End?
An Aldi Bag..

...............

My sex tape is duct.

...............

BREAKING TRAFFIC NEWS

A lorry carrying snooker equipment has crashed on the M56...the driver is under a rest and the cues go back for miles.

...............

What's 2 and a half inches, hard and would make Theresa May blush?
Damian Green's laptop drive.

...............

Some people won't try bacon for religious reasons.
I won't try religion for bacon reasons.

...............

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1282  
Old 07-11-2017, 05:32 AM
Friar Tuck's Avatar
Friar Tuck Friar Tuck is offline
Super Moderator
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Brothertoft, Lincolngrad!
Posts: 11,258
Default

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
So Jack could lick Jill's fanny!
But Jack got a shock!
And a mouth full of cock!
Because Jill is a fucking Tranny!


boom! boom!
__________________
Does my belly look big in this?
Reply With Quote
  #1283  
Old 07-11-2017, 06:43 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,698
Default

I sat next to an insurance salesmen at the Robbie Williams gig last night.
And through it all, he offered me protection...

.................

I saw a girl busking today. She had a great voice, and an even better pair of legs, emphasised by the short skirt she was wearing.
"Any requests?" She asked the watching crowd.
"Your thong," I replied with a wink.
Everyone gasped in horror, and the girl slapped me.
It's tough being an Elton John fan with a lisp.

.................

Samantha had a lovely skirt,
with splits right up both sides,
and when she shimmied down the street,
the boys could see her thighs.

Samantha had another skirt,
with splits right up the front,
but she wasn't wearing that one today.

.................

I lost the tie-breaker in a pub quiz tonight.
The question was "In what industry should you never work with animals or children?"
Their answer was "Entertainment"
Mine was "Pornography"

.................

How the fuck can the Queen be a tax dodger.
The money she has is tax. Our fuckin tax. Would you like to have to pay tax on your tax?

.................

What's the difference between BSE and PMT?
One effects the cow's brain causing it to go mental.
The other is a illness found in cattle

.................

In the shower with the Mrs.
"Phwoooooar, your tits looks really sexy, babe. All soapy and wet, wobbling up and down."
"Fuck off. And don't keep taking the piss, or I'm getting out." I replied.

.................

"An extravagance is anything you buy that is of no earthly use to your wife."

.................

This girl I like at school told me “I identify as nonbinary gender fluid pan sexual”
According to the headmaster responding with “I’m mentally ill too” is not an acceptable response.

.................

My wife always said that I make her feel like a real woman.
She fucked off with a lesbian.

.................

Nearly had a fight with my army of Twitter followers
It got pretty tense at one stage until they all retweeted

.................

And an old trucker pulls over to give the hitcher a ride. After about 10 minutes of silence, the gender fluid person asks "Well, aren't you curious if I'm a boy or a girl?"
And the old trucker says "Not really, I'm gunna fuck ya either way."

.................

I sat my girlfriend down earlier and said, "Babe, you know how you're always going on about the patter of tiny feet? Well..."
"Oh my God!" she gasped, "You want us to try for a baby?"
"No, we've got rats."

.................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1284  
Old 08-11-2017, 07:45 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,698
Default

Thought I'd seen the end of the Trick or Treaters the other night after I'd poured a bucket of piss over the last lot through my upstairs window, but, fuck me, within five minutes two much older looking kids knocked on the door and got the same treatment.
I'd love to see them explain the smell when they took those police costumes back to the fancy dress shop.

...............

At all U2 concerts, Bono starts spouting about starving children:
If the pretentious cunt paid tax, the government could increase foreign aid and feed the poor bastards.

...............

I cannot believe that in this day and age that wearing underwear in the garden would offend so many people...admittedly it wasn't my garden or my underwear.

...............

I've heard if you mix Rohypnol with alcohol it can make you feel spacey.

...............

When Beckham scored I used to drink Becks,when Scholes scored I used to drink skol,When Liam Miller scored I used to drink Miller Lite.
Thank God Seaman was a goalie.

...............

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
Who cares? It's not like they'll ever get the house is it !!!

...............

My wife is like a condom.
She spends far more time in my wallet than on my dick.

...............

I drove past my gran's house today and saw 20 pints of milk on her doorstep.
She must drink a hell of a lot of tea !

...............

My Penis looks like a Space Rocket.
The wife's over the Moon.

...............

My wife & I like to do it missionary style.
We brainwash indigenous natives & rape children.

..............

Rita Ora sexually assaulted me...
I don't care what my wife says, it wasn't a dream.

..............

Applying sunblock does not guarantee protection against harmful rays.
Just ask Steve Irwin.

..............

My girlfriend has just bollocked me for taking the piss out of Stephen Hawking"
She said, "Are you not worried that if he dies, his ghost will come back to haunt you whilst you sleep?"
I said, "Not really. It won't be able to get up the stairs"

.............

At last, Brexit is gathering pace, due to climate change and rising sea levels we are now 1cm further away from France since we voted leave.

.............

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1285  
Old 09-11-2017, 06:44 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,698
Default

Can't wait for Donald Trump to peel off his face to reveal he's been Sacha Baron Cohen all along.

..................

My wife just accidentally hit a cat with her car.
The poor thing was asleep on the couch at the time.

..................

I'll never forget the poignant nature of Anne Frank's very last entry in her diaries.....
"Today it is my birthday. Father has bought me a drum kit...."

..................

Our dogs was so traumatised by all the banging, screeching and wailing on Saturday night that they cowered under the kitchen table and didn't come out until the whole racket was over............
Fookin' X-Factor !

..................

They say a woman’s work is never done.
Maybe that’s why they get paid less.

..................

My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.

“How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.”

I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 19 year old daughters lying naked on the bed.

I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you.

They respond “Get away with ya... Prove it.”

I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?”

He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?”

....................

After a wild party,two girls wake up next morning and one says to the other, "Ugh, my mouth tastes like the inside of a bird cage".
"Well i'm not surprised", said the second girl."You did have a cock or two in there last night".

....................

The 911 terrorists were shit pilots
...it took them 2 years to learn to fly and they still crashed !!

...................

Anal bleach. For that arsehole in your life that just needs to lighten the fuck up!

...................

I was sat in the pub when I told a mate that my girlfriend had committed suicide, today.
He said, "Did she leave a note?"
I said, "Yeah, there were a few in her purse. What you having?"

...................

I went on a date this evening.
I said, "So, are you a vampire?"
"No," she said, with a puzzled look on her face.
I said, "So you can see your reflection and you still come out looking like that?"

..................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1286  
Old 10-11-2017, 06:45 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,698
Default

Anyone remember the 90's, when you'd have to clean your mouse balls?
I'm glad I don't have pets any more.

..................

My wife asked me how I could love her and enjoy watching porn.
I told her, I love my car, but I still watch Formula 1 too.
She was happy with this analogy.
I just never mentioned I also go to Hertz for the occasional rental.

..................

My local pub is rough as fuck.
I went to the quiz the other night and the first question asked was, "What the fuck are you looking at?"

..................

As a society we've become pampered and mollycoddled. We now have apples pre-washed and sliced and put into bags, we can buy cheese already grated, potatoes peeled garnished and put into packs. Even my local dealer has got in on the act, he's started to cut his cocaine with slimfast powder and is banging it out as Diet Coke.

..................

News: California pet shops can now only sell rescue animals.
As long as they taste the same, I don’t care where they come from.

..................

The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
A clock.

..................

Womens cricket.
Australia v England.
Surely that's called The Gashes.

..................

People who say "love is more important than money" try paying a Loan Shark off with a hug.

..................

Anne Kirkbride once said that being in Coronation Street can be "soul destroying".
She should've tried watching it.

..................

England v Germany:
What's the fucking point?
We've only beat the cunts twice since we gave em a good thrashing on Xmas Day 1914.

..................

As a kid, there was one letter I always regretted writing;
Dear Jim,
Please can you fix it for me to go on "It's a Knockout”....?

..................

Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my bathroom scale today.

...................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1287  
Old 11-11-2017, 06:12 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,698
Default

What’s six inches long, has a big purple head on it and sends women crazy?
A twenty pound note.

................

I was in an American school library recently, going through a few magazines.
Then my fucking rifle jammed.

................

So Donald Trump is supposed to meet with Vladimir Putin tomorrow.
Probably for his first annual performance review.

................

Q: What's brown & runny?
A: Usain Bolt

................

In the news today:
'A 32 year old severely disabled man who only has the use of his tongue and right thumb, used hidden cameras to spy on his young female carers whilst they showered.'
Improvise. Adapt. Overcome.

................

I've just put all my dogging equipment up for sale on Ebay.
Haven't had any bids so far but 12 people watching.

................

People think that the Taliban are against all Western values, but I saw some on telly earlier and they were out in the fields growing loads of poppies for Remembrance Day.

................

Today sees the launch of a new safe sex campaign in Wales.
Farmers are to paint an 'X' on the backs of all sheep who bite or kick.

................

I can relate to that new John Lewis advert.
I once went in to a child's bedroom wearing a mask with my balls hanging between my legs jumping in to his bed and they called me a monster.

................

Breaking news: Rocco Siffredi latest actor to be accused of sexually inappropriate behaviour.

................

Sometimes it seems like even dogs are treated better than me.

For example, when mine got one dog pregnant then went and shagged another one, everybody laughed about it. But when my wife was pregnant and I got caught doing exactly the same thing, I was charged with bestiality.

................

I was at my girlfriend's house last night and we started kissing and cuddling. Then as I lay on the bed, she started stripping. At the sight of her young nubile body, I almost came in my pants. A personal best for me seeing as they were 20 yards away on the landing.

................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1288  
Old 12-11-2017, 12:44 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,698
Default

Bought my mum a fridge for her birthday.
You should’ve seen her face light up when she opened it!

................

I went to a cannibal restaurant last night.
£50 a head.

................

A Jewish bloke gets a taxi to take him and his date home.
She's so beautiful...... He can barely keep his eyes on the meter!!

................

"Dad, on my way home from school I saw Santa beating a Pakistani man up outside a shop. "
"Well son, I don't know what to say to you, I'm shocked. "
"So am I dad, I only posted the letter yesterday. "

................

I really hope my 6yr old son is just dyslexic.
He's just posted a letter with no stamp on addressed to Satan.

................

I was out on my first date with this girl and she said, "Ooh, I'm so excited to finally meet you, I've read your profile and I love a guy with racey humour."

"Oh, sorry," I corrected her, "That should read 'racist humour'."

................

My Boss has brought in some changes, we're now an entirely paperless office.
Taking a crap really isn't very pleasant these days!

................

Senator John McCain has gone after Donald Trump because he is not standing up for men jailed in Vietnam for fighting for freedom in a one party country:

Why did McCain even bother? What would a draft-dodging chickenshit know about fighting in Vietnam?

................

This maths test can predict your favourite film. Not sure how it works but it does. Mine was Star Wars.

DON'T PEEP!

Pick a number between 1 and 9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3 to that number.
Multiply by 3 again.
Add the 2 digits together.
Now discover your favourite film!

3. Oliver Twist.
4. Star Wars.
5. Forrest Gump.
6. Saving Private Ryan.
7. Jaws.
8. Grease.
9. The Joy of Anal Sex with Male Sheep & Oiled-Up Lady Boys.
10. Mary Poppins.

................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1289  
Old 13-11-2017, 05:50 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,698
Default

Marks and Spencer`s new Xmas advert states "That it wouldn't be Christmas without M&S".
They're right too.
It'd be Chrita.

..................

My computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what's happening.

..................

Did you hear about the French man who could only count to seven?
He had a Huit allergy.

...................

My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia.
He didn’t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.

...................

I love fat girls.
No matter where you grab them, it feels like tits.

...................

"Sorry" seems to be the hardest word.
Unless you're Chinese, then it's "squirrel"....

...................

London bus with Specsavers advert on the side loses its roof crashing into a bridge.
Some jokes write themselves.

...................

Transgenders! ...Roberts in disguise.

...................

The Archbishop of Canterbury has demanded that schools allow little boys to arrive at lessons wearing tiaras, to combat transgender bullying.
Yeah, because nothing gets the school bully on side quicker than wearing a pretty headdress.

...................

Rudolph Hess edited Mein Kampf for Adolf Hitler, making him the first grammar Nazi.

....................

Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C," he said.
"What, you got cancer?" I asked
"No, dyslexia" he replied.

.....................

What's the difference between graphite and lead?
Daily Mail readers aren't easily graphite.

.....................

My wife wanted to know why I said she is literally worse than Hitler.
I thought it was pretty obvious.
At least the man knew how to use an oven.

.....................

I've just read an article that said in Zimbabwe you can pay the equivalent of £50 for a bag of sugar...
And I thought MY cocaine dealer was a cheating cunt.

......................

My girlfriend got “Gucci” tattooed on her minge because she thought that was the way to get a designer vagina, I didn’t have the heart to tell her it still looked like fucking road kill!

......................

What's the quickest way to dismantle an atomic bomb?
Drop it on a Japanese city.

......................

CPR - the human equivalent of CTRL ALT DELETE.

......................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
  #1290  
Old 14-11-2017, 09:24 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,698
Default

Just a quick apology to those Take That fans I offended earlier.
Whatever I said, whatever I did
I didn't mean it.

................

Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies.
Is that a trick question?

................

Payslips are like willies.
Although you don’t go around comparing yours to other peoples, you always hope it’s a little bigger.

................

I started my new job today.
My boss handed me a fiver and said, "First things first, I need you to go down to the shops and buy me a glass hammer, a skirting board ladder and a bubble for a spirit level."
I laughed and said, "Do you really think I'm that fucking stupid?"
"What do you mean Simon?" He sniggered.
I said, "That lot is going to cost more than a fucking fiver."

...............

Facebook Status: "You know it's Christmas when the Coca-Cola advert comes on."
Personally, I know it's Christmas when it's the 25th of December you dickhead!

...............

I woke up this morning and there was a letter on the doormat.
On the envelope it said 'Please do not bend'
I thought to myself, How the fuck am I going to pick this up?

..............

Round my area there's lots of "strong independent women" who "don't need no man" but rely entirely on the state for food, shelter and medicine.

..............

Came out my house earlier and my next door neighbour was scrubbing at his door.
Someone had spray painted the word 'pedo' on his front door.
What's been going on here Bob?" I asked
"Fucking kids aint it" he said, shaking his head.
"Well you deserve it then you dirty bastard" I replied.

..............

Red riding hood was walking through the forest when all of a sudden the big bad wolf jumped out and said "Take your blouse off so I can suck your tits!".
Red riding hood pulls down her knickers lies on the ground and says "Fuck off, you're gonna eat me just like the book says!"

..............

My mate does a great Stephen Hawking impression.
Probably the only upside of the crash.

..............

I was flicking through a copy of Razzle
When I saw, what I thought was a vajazzle
But it wasn't some bling
On her lady pee thing
It was the light on the staple that dazzled.

..............

My friend asked me if I believed in reincarnation?
"Yes I do," I replied.
"Good!" he said "So what would you like to come back as then?"
"Hmm..." I thought for a minute, "I think I'd like to come back as a swan."
"A swan?" he laughed, "That's a bit fucking gay isn't it?"
"Is it?" I said as I broke his arm.

..............

how many people with alzheimer's does it take to change a lightbulb?? .....the battle of hastings!

..............

I noticed on my TV remote, there was a 'Cinema Surround' button. I pushed it.
All of a sudden, a voice came from behind me saying, 'Move your head you fat twat.'

..............

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:19 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.