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  #1231  
Old 20-09-2017, 06:26 PM
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How do you change a duck into a soul singer?
Stick it in the microwave until it's bill withers.

.....................

Someone in the street just started throwing cheese at me..
I shouted "That's mature."

.....................

What do Liverpool and Richard III have in common?
They both got buried in Leicester.

.....................

A young lady walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the chap who'd had his wicked way with her the previous evening, after they had met in a club.
He was stacking washing powder boxes on the shelves.
"You lying bastard!" she shouts," last night you told me you were a stunt pilot!"
"No," he says, "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team."

.....................

"Been drinking tonight sir?" The policeman asked.
"I had one earlier, but that was all," I replied.
"I think you've had a few more than that sir. Would you step out of the van please."
"Why?" I asked.
"Because the Postman Pat ride isn't really designed for adults and there's children waiting for their go!"

......................

RYANAIR: Stop your pilots going on strike by charging them £10 for the ballot paper.

......................

My missus disappeared suddenly three weeks ago, the Police have been round today and told me to prepare myself for the worst.
So I've had to go back to the Charity shop and buy all her clothes back.

......................

The Pakistani family down my road won the jackpot on the lottery last week. Being a generous bunch, they shared it out between their family.They got £4.28 each.

......................

The Pope has warned that consulting fortune tellers and reading horoscopes will send you straight to hell..
I'm pretty sure fucking little boys gets you there too ..

......................

"I know we've been married forty years now, but tonight I'd like you to pretend to be a thirteen-year-old schoolgirl."
"Ewww, you're disgusting! Get the fuck away from me, you filthy pervert!" "That's the spirit, love!"

......................

Think i just been to a ISIS fund raiser The Band playing was:
Quran Quran With Sharia Twain

......................

I once bought and used a packet of "Joe Hart Condoms".
They were extra slippery and I didn't catch anything.

......................

I was arguing with some bloke in the pub and he squared up to me. I said, "You better watch yourself pal, when I was in the Army I killed men."
My wife said, "But you were in the Catering Corps."
I replied, "Yeah, but I'm not a very good cook."

......................

I was having an argument with my Dad last night. During a particularly heated exchange he shouted, "Just you remember son, you could just as easily have been an abortion".
"Yes Dad", I sighed, "Or even worse, I could have been yours."

......................

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  #1232  
Old 21-09-2017, 01:28 PM
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Relationships are like fat people.
Most of them don't work out.

.....................

Nothing ruins your Friday like finding out it's only Thursday.

.....................

I've been married to my wife ten years today!
Having sex with just one person in ten years is pure dedication.
I don't know how she does it.

.....................

What do Butlins and Liverpool FC have in common?
Both of their seasons end in September.

......................

My mate just phoned me to tell me he had changed his name by deed poll to spinal column.
"Can I call you back?" I asked.

......................

Merseyside.
The only place in England where you can be labelled a Paedophile for shagging someone's mum.

......................

The upside to living in a famine ravaged, war torn country.
You can stand on a land mine and don`t weigh enough to set it off.

......................

I caused a bit of a scene at my summer barbecue when I told my next door neighbour Abdul that his wife was cheating on him.
She wasn't, but I needed my rockery moving.

......................

So on my first day as a crane driver I had to lift some portaloos to the top floor of the construction site.
I'm taking shit to a whole new level ..

......................

Stalking is when two people go on long, romantic walks together.
But only one of them knows about it.

......................

I took the shell off of my racing snail thinking it would make it go faster.
If anything it made it more sluggish.

......................

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  #1233  
Old 22-09-2017, 07:58 AM
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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water……

My wife came home this morning and said there was a nasty bug going round. The front door bell went after lunch. I answered it and a 6 foot cockroach kicked my friggin’ head in……..

John was a fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

A Mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY".........And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel ever again!!!

7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton, Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jug
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  #1234  
Old 22-09-2017, 03:42 PM
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A lot of women turn into good drivers…
So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women who are turning.

.....................

Wife said "if u get a tattoo make sure u have it done in a place that doesn't matter"
So I’m off to Norwich...

......................

What do you call a Scottish man who works in a cloakroom?
Angus McCoatup

......................

Madness are releasing a charity record for the victims of the Caribbean hurricane.
It's called, "Our house, in the middle of someone else's street."

......................

A bloke I know had a terrible accident at work, he fell into an industrial grinder... He's fine now.

......................

I was once abducted by aliens.
They made me wipe my face, blow my nose and eat my greens.
I think I was on board the mothership.

......................

Reporter to the leader of China: "Is China concerned about the narcissistic megalomaniac with his finger on the nuclear button?
Leader of China: "Of course we are, but we're also worried about the other nutter in North Korea."

......................

My mum's starsign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died...
She was eaten by a giant crab.

......................

Why have Rangers got more fans than Celtic? Because its far easier to shout "Fuck the Pope" than it is to shout "Fuck the Moderator of the Free Church of Scotland."

......................

Sex with me is like a game of chess.
It usually involves two old men in a park.

.......................

My wife wanted to spice up our relationship with role play.
She pretended to be a naughty schoolgirl and I pretended to be interested.

.......................

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  #1235  
Old 23-09-2017, 10:37 AM
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What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller.
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  #1236  
Old 23-09-2017, 07:08 PM
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“Now you're married how’s your sex life?”
“A bit like my Ferrari”
“You haven’t got a Ferrari”
“Exactly.......”

..................

A woman's orgasm is like the weekend. It seems to take ages to get there then when it finally arrives you're too tired to enjoy it

..................

I was an award-winning swimmer when I was a lot younger.
A sperm cell, to be precise.

..................

In divorce women have all the rights and men have all the lefts...
Left homeless.
Left penniless.
Left childless.
Left for another man.

..................

I fucked my missus froggy style last night.
It's just like doggy style but you aim an inch higher and watch how high she leaps.

...................

The wife of the couple next door has just given birth to Siamese twins.
My missus has just knitted a W neck Cardigan as a gift.

...................

Just been promoted to a new position within Yorkshire council. My job requires me to find suitable land to build houses for our ever increasing Sikh community.
I'm t'urban development officer.

...................

A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon. I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.
I thought, fuck me, I might win this.

...................

More people have died taking selfies than shark attacks, You have to love natural selection ..

...................

I just bought a new "intuitive" car stereo powered by Cortana.
I said 'country' and it started playing Johnny Cash
I said 'rap' and it played Eminem
I was so busy trying it out that I almost knocked down two little boys that had ran onto the road.
Fucking kids, I murmured and the stereo started playing Gary Glitter.

....................

"He shoots, he scores" has never made any sense to me.
In my my world I need to score before I can shoot.

....................

Pentagon - US flew nuclear-capable B-1B bombers just off coast of North Korea.
Well, it's really close to Nagasaki and Hiroshima in Japan, so they already know the flight plan really well ..

....................

Today I found myself having to argue that "breast is best" while having breakfast at the local cafe.
The waitress replied, "Sir, I can top up your coffee with milk from the jug, or you can get the fuck out."

....................

BREAKING NEWS The inventor of the red card has sadly passed away.
He was given a good send off.

....................

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  #1237  
Old 24-09-2017, 12:04 PM
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I was looking for a new flat, and found a nice place in the centre of town that seemed ideal.
"It's only £600 a month," the woman told me. "But no children or pets."
I had to turn it down. It was a bargain but I wasn't willing to give up my sex life.

...................

I came home late last night and my wife noticed some scratches on my neck. "What the fuck's been going on?" she yelled, "Been shagging another woman, have we?" "Of course not," I protested, "It's from my mate's cat." "Oh, well that's alright then," she said. I just don't understand that bitch. Sleeping with other women is frowned upon, but fucking a cat is acceptable?

...................

Whenever my wife says we need to talk I counter with "let's have sex, then talk."
Checkmate!

...................

Mrs Browns Boys is to be remade for the Pakistani market.
Mrs Patels brown boys will be aired in the spring.

..................

They say nothing last's forever.
Try wanking over Susan Boyle.

..................

The best thing about being schizophrenic is that it turns a wank into an orgy.

..................

What's red and hangs from a cunt?
Donald Trump's tie!

..................

My son was playing on one of his video games and he screamed he'd just won a life.
I thought how ironic.

..................

Trumps says any player that doesn't stand for the National Anthem should be fired .. This is coming from the coward who dodged the Army draft 5 fucking times ? ..

..................

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  #1238  
Old 25-09-2017, 12:30 PM
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ITV1+1
So that people on benefits don't have to get up so early to watch Jeremy Kyle.

...............

Q) Who’s the coolest person in a hospital?

A) The ultra sound guy.

And when he's on holiday it's the hip replacement guy.

...............

How do you weigh a chilli pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!

...............

Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat?.. Then I remember they just feed off attention.

...............

Ran into my ex today.
She wondered if we'd ever get back together someday.
I doubt it -- I'm sober now.

...............

Have you ever noticed that if Britain goes 5 days without an Islamic terrorist attack, the threat level drops to 'Who Gives a Fuck'?

...............

What is the most competitive event at the Invictus games?
The scramble for the 6 disabled parking spaces outside the stadium.

...............

I got attacked by 3 guys last night while walking home, luckily I managed to knock one out.
Not the best time for a wank - but I thought it might be my last!

...............

I hired a German plumber to install a new shower.
Hooked it up to the gas supply, looks like old habits die hard.

...............

MPs are debating whether to rename the August Bank Holiday after the late Margaret Thatcher.
I think it's a great idea.
I can't think of a better reminder of her legacy than telling people not to bother coming in to work on Monday.

..............

Santa Claus has been asked if he wants to be buried when he dies.
He said , No , he'd prefer to go up the chimney.

..............

When I first met my wife all she wanted to do was fuck me and wank me off. Now all she does is call me a wanker and tell me to fuck off.

..............

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  #1239  
Old 26-09-2017, 02:09 PM
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Call the wife beautiful 100 times & she won't notice!
Call her fat once & she will never forget!
That's because elephants never forget.

....................

Was on a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said "Is King Kong Coming?"
I said "No it’s just the paste off my brush"

....................

I've learnt a life lesson today.

Next time I walk into the house and see my wife crying, I'm not going to say, "Is it because of your new haircut?"

....................

What song is played at a Jehovah's witness' funeral?
Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door.

....................

You know why Bruce Willis keeps making the same films.
You know what they say about old habits.

....................

I've been dating a homeless girl for a while now, it's going really well.
I'm thinking about moving out with her.

....................

The German Election:
5 million Germans vote for the hard right and Mrs Merkel becomes worried.
10 million Germans vote for the hard right and the Jews become worried.
20 million Germans vote for the hard right and everyone in Poland becomes worried.

....................

Women always say they are looking for the bigger picture but when I send it to them over whatsapp they call me a pervert and tell me to fuck off.

....................

Apparently the reason they are called the French Foreign Legion is because the concept of fighting is foreign to them.

....................

Whatever you do don't go and see IT.
It's got fuck all to do with information technology, just Ronald McDonald killing kids, but not with cheese burgers this time.

....................

After sex there's nothing worse than looking down and seeing that limp, spunk-filled condom hanging off the end of your dick...
Especially when you hadn't put one on.

....................

They must hate Spurs in the Caribbean.
Harry Kane's been tearing through their defences.

....................

After a few pints down at the local, talk got round to who had the most expensive watch.
I showed mine first. "That's a Rolex Oyster, worth two and a half grand," I grinned.
My mate John smiled and proudly pointed to his wrist. "This is a white gold Patek Phillipe. I paid the best part of twenty grand for it."
Dave rolled up his sleeve to show his watch. "What do you think of that then? It cost me £200,000."
Me and John stared a while then I said, "Dave, Thats a Casio."
"I know," he sighed. "My ex-wife bought it for me then found it in her sister's bed."

....................

I married my wife for her long legs and big tits.
Now she has long tits and big legs.

....................

I saw a guy with a really cool bacon tattoo on his face.
"Where did you get that?" I asked.
"In a house fire," he sighed.

....................

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  #1240  
Old 27-09-2017, 12:42 PM
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Just opened my first present of the day!
Yorkshire pudding mix!
Thanks Aunt Bessie.

...................

If you rearrange the letters of "Postmen", they get very annoyed.

...................

Apparently Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac once turned down a marriage proposal from William Shatner.
She didnt want to be known as Stevie Shatner-Nicks.
And if Isla Fisher had married Barry White, she would have been Isla White.
Then if she divorced him and married Bryan Ferry, she would be Isla White - Ferry.!

...................

Got banned from Laser Quest today.
They didn't like it when I used a knife to save ammo.

...................

What did Freddie Mercury and Colonel Gaddafi have in common?
They both died after some fellas entered their sewage pipe.

...................

When you see someone praying after a disaster.
Who are you praying too , the God who did this tragedy , or the one who refuses to do anything about it ?

...................

I put a picture of my slap up tea on facebook and within minutes I got hundreds of friend requests.
All from Ethiopia.

...................

I think my Dog maybe smarter than me.
He understands several words and commands, and yet I don't understand a single bark ? ....

....................

An article in The New Scientist suggests that a small nuclear war on the Korean peninsular could actually reverse the effects of global warming. ..............and for most of our neighbours that seems to be an awful lot easier for them than sorting the rubbish into the right bins!

....................

Welcome to the Alzheimer's Information Website.
Please enter your 15 digit password.

....................

Why do elephants drink so much?...to help them forget!

....................

Welcome to Feng Shui club, and I'm very happy to accept the position of the chair.

....................

I was getting undressed in front of my new blonde girlfriend, I dropped my underpants and she said. "I thought you told me that you had at least a foot" "No, I said that I'd got Athletes Foot"

....................

The star of Sabrina The Teenage Witch, Melissa Joan Hart, has admitted in her autobiography that she had experimented with lesbianism and hallucinogenics. It explains a lot really. . . . . .
I always wondered why she lived with two 'Aunts' and used to talk to a cat.

...................

Jeremy Corbyn:
The finest left winger since Ryan Giggs.

...................

"Go and have a look at the size of the shit I’ve just done in the bathroom!” I said to my wife.
“No thanks,” she replied.
“Please, just one quick look,” I said, “You won’t believe it.”
She pinched her nose, ran in, looked down the toilet, then ran out and said, “There’s nothing down there, you must’ve flushed it.”
I said, “It’s on the scales.”

...................

"Did I come out of mum's tummy?" asked my son.
"Yes, mate," I said. "I know it's hard to believe but, five years ago, that's where you were."
He looked at my missus slouched on the settee. "Dad? Are there still some people in there?"

...................

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  #1241  
Old 28-09-2017, 03:14 PM
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My sexual fetishes have slowly been getting more perverse.
It wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realised I had hit rock bottom.

....................

In the same week that Uber lose their licence to trade in London, Ryanair announce they're taking on 125 new pilots.

Worrying?

....................

Don't forget as winter will soon be upon us and our native birds are finding food scarce. Please go to the pet shop and buy a mesh and a bag of nuts for our feathered friends. There is no finer sight on a winter's morning than a pair of tits around your nutbag.

Just remember however, it's a bit too late in the year to expect a swallow.

.....................

"For fucks sake, " I can't read this, " said the minister as he read the script for Hugh Hefner's eulogy.
"Why not?" asked the undertaker.
"Because the fucking pages are stuck together, " replied the minister!

.....................

Women always think they're right. I bought my 10-year-old some socks for his birthday, and the wife said, "Don't just wrap them, put them in a box it will look better." Well, she was wrong, it didn't help at all if the look on his face when he first saw the PlayStation box containing the socks was anything to go by!

....................

So, Saudi women are finally being allowed to drive.
I suppose the car of choice will be a 911....

....................

My 13-year-old son came home from school today and said, "Dad, can I ask you a question?"
"Sure," I replied. "What is it?"
He said, "There's a pretty girl in my class who keeps flirting with me. She has great tits and is dirty as hell, but she has a boyfriend. What would you do if you were in my situation?"
"About 4 years in prison," I replied.

....................

Why are people who are "born again" generally people who shouldn't of been born in the first place?

.....................

Hugh Hefner RIP
Thanks for the mammaries.

......................

What's the difference between "slightly open" and "ajar"?
I didn't have to go to A&E and 3 in the morning with "slightly open" wedged in my rectum.

......................

Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night.
"My mate came off his motorbike today." he said.
"Oh really?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied, "He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye."
"Fuck me," I said, "No wonder he came off it then."

.......................

Now Hugh Hefner has died millions of men have come forward saying he made them touch themselves when they were younger.

.......................

"Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Wally, Not Wally..."
Where's Wally Audiobook

.......................

My Boss described me as "one to watch" in our office.
Sadly, he was talking to Security at the time.

.......................

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  #1242  
Old 29-09-2017, 03:02 PM
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Just had some people at my door trying to convince me that 'brown bread' was better than 'white bread'..
They were Hovis witnesses.

...................

I don't know what all the fuss is about with this Drugs live on TV.
I was on channel 4 years ago and was given E, WEED and MDMA
That has to be the hardest Countdown conundrum ever.

...................

I don't quite know what this country is coming to, you have school children dressing like whores and whores dressing like school children.
I don't know if I should carry more money or more sweets.

...................

Everton FC have submitted a request to UEFA to have last nights result against Cypriot minnows Appollon Limmosol overturned 'apparently the gas fitter that plays in mid field is not Corgi registered.

...................

I once thought I had a Japanese friend...
...But it was just my imagine Asian.

...................

Breaking News:
Rio Ferdinand has announced his boxing career will begin with a fight against Ben Stokes.

..................

Someone has been killed with a starter pistol !!!
Police think it might be race related..............

..................

They should just send the B52's to Afghanistan and Syria.
A couple hours of love shack on repeat will make anybody surrender!

..................

Kim Kardashian West announces another brat on the way, fuck me, based on the size of her arse she must be shitting it out!

..................

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Old 30-09-2017, 02:59 PM
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Last night after a few beers my mate asked if he could stay on my sofa.
I had to explain to him that I'm married now so that's where I sleep.

...................

"Black really is slimming on you, you've never looked sexier" I assured the missus.
"Turn the light back on you twat!" she replied.

...................

Me and the wife went up to the Ryanair check-in desk. The clerk said, "Do you have reservations?"
I replied "Yes, but we're flying with you anyway!"

...................

A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar. "For fuck's sake!" the bloke cried, "what the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar!" "Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep"

....................

I bumped into my ex at the pub last night.
"When I'm with my new girlfriend, I often think about you," I said.
"Really," she smiled.
"Yes," I replied, "it stops me from coming too quickly."

....................

Just a bit of dating advice for Plenty Of Fish users.
Never use more than one of the woman's' interests for date ideas.
When I met up with the girl who liked baby seals and clubbing it didn't end well.

....................

Trying to find a fit girl in my area is similar to crazy golf.
You want the perfect hole, but your ball always end up bouncing around some hippos teeth.

....................

My boss asked me to stencil out numbers 1 to 10 in the car parking spaces. When he came out he asked, "Why is there a number 2 between the 5 and 6?"
I said, "Sorry, I was desperate and there was someone in the toilet."

....................

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Old 01-10-2017, 12:15 PM
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I remember once standing at the front of the class with a bodybag and unzipping it to reveal a dead Pakistani who had been run over by a HGV.
Everybody reeled back in horror, including the teacher.
Apparently I had misunderstood when she said bring in an example of a Crustacean.

.....................

I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me.
My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take her ages but eventually, there she was standing beside me.
I gave her a loving smile and said: "Get that trolley over here love.
They're doing 12 packs of Stella three for the price of two."

.....................

Israel is determined not to let the world forget the Holocaust, so they're staging an ongoing re-enactment in Palestine.

.....................

“You’re not Neil Diamond!”, the man exclaimed.
“I am”, I said.

.....................

People compare Donald Trump and Hitler all the time.
I think it's unfair - clearly there's a major difference.
Hitler was good at making speeches.

.....................

I love to shave with a new razor. It reminds me of making love to a beautiful woman for the first time.
All the excitement, a little blood, and I am holding a razor.

.....................

My wife says i only have two faults.
1: apparently i don't listen.
2: some other shit she was banging on about?

.....................

There is now an Eastern European section in all major supermarkets.
It's called 'The Staffroom.'

.....................

"You haven't completed the 'Sexual Orientation' box," said the interviewer. "I know," I replied, "I didn't understand the question." "Well," he explained, "if you find women sexually attractive, you are heterosexual. If it's men, you're homosexual. If you find both attractive, you're bisexual. And if you aren't attracted to men or women, you are asexual." "Put down 'asexual' then" I replied, gazing longingly at his border collie.

.....................

I wonder what Facebook employees do to waste time at work?

.....................

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Old 02-10-2017, 06:26 PM
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What's got no teeth and smells?
The gearbox in the wife's car...

...................

Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 6 years.
It's now a supermarket!

...................

RIP Diane Abbott.
Oh Sorry it's Hugh Hefner who died.
I thought it said Huge Heifer.

...................

I was trying to get home in time for the football, but I was being held up by a learner driver.
She was driving very slowly and kept stalling. "Come on, you stupid twat!" I shouted. "Get a fucking move on!"
She started crying and said it would be her last lesson with me.

....................

I'm not allowed to smoke in the car with my 8 year old son anymore, but it will do his long term health the world of good.
Now the fat bastard has got to walk to school.

.....................

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them.
So I did that, and now I feel much better.
But do I keep the letters?

......................

I was reading an article on Autoerotic Asphyxiation and thought I'd give it a try. I climbed in a wardrobe and tied a belt round my neck and on the top rail, then I set about spanking the monkey furiously. I lost my footing and passed out. Next thing I knew was this blinding light and a guy with a white beard standing over me. I said "are you Saint Peter".
He said "no. I'm the Homebase manager, now fuck off out of my store".

.......................

I’ve just been fired from my job at the clock-making factory…
After all those extra hours I put in.

.......................

Great news for Ryanair: monarch have loads of desperate, redundant pilots!

.......................

What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?
Gracias.

.......................

BBC News: "God will tell me when to flee Bali Volcano."
Natural Selection at work...

.......................

Those who say a border wall can't work in the US just need to look at Israel. No Mexicans there.

........................

What's worse than 50 dead Americans?
Tighter gun laws.

.........................

Saw a bloke today whose girlfriend was a midget.
I thought "There's a pedophile that has found a loophole"

..........................

I think I first realised that my drinking had got out of control when my doctor referred me to a Bacardiologist.

..........................

Theresa May says she wants to increase the prison sentence for animal cruelty while she hopes to repeal the fox hunting ban.
The silly old cow wants to ride a horse traveling in two directions.

...........................

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Old 03-10-2017, 04:32 PM
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Roy Hodgson just drove past me at about 100 mph, no seatbelt on, beeping his horn...... He'll do anything for 3 points!

........................

Jurgen Klopp the worst pool manager since Michael Barrymore.

........................

"No possible way to stop mass shootings," says the only nation on earth that regularly has them.

........................

I got my head kicked in at school today.
I told my dad he'd been touching me in his office.

........................

I went to a country music festival in Las Vegas, And all I got was this bloody t-shirt.

........................

An Israeli arrives at Heathrow (not on Monarch of course)
"Name" asks the customs officer
"Avi Mayer" replies the Israeli
"Occupation?" Continues the customs officer
"No, just visiting" replies the Israeli.

........................

What's the difference between a Muslim that kills 58 people and a white man that kills 58?
Ones a terrorist, ones a mass shooter.

........................

The Islamic council of America have condemned the actions of the Las Vegas shooter.
Apparently it's cultural appropriation.

........................

Brevity: the force that keeps a toasted sandwich from flying into space.

........................

I can't tell whether my girlfriend is kinky or just a nutcase.
She shaved her pubes as part of my birthday present...
But wrapped them up.

........................

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Old 04-10-2017, 03:45 PM
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Last time I was someone's type...
I was donating blood.

...................

My mate lost an arm to a snake bite.
He had twelve pints and fell through a window.

...................

Apparently on FIFA 18 to score an over-head kick with your left foot you have to do a 'Stan Collymore'.

Hit the 'X' repeatedly.

...................

I am now worried that the entire 2nd amendment was based on a spelling mistake by a guy who just wanted the right to wear a sleeveless top...

...................

One good thing to come out of the Las Vegas shooting.
My wife wanted to go line dancing, but I told her we'd better not risk it.

..................

ISIS: 0
One old, fat, white guy: 527
Showing them how it's done in America.

..................

'Guns don't kill people. People kill people'. Yes, but it'd be a lot harder for people to kill people if they didn't have fucking guns!

...................

Me and my mates out on a Friday night have started playing the Pistorius drinking game.
When someone goes to the toilet you have to take four shots.

...................

Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween.
I guess they don't appreciate random people coming to their door?

...................

My Uncle had his tongue shot off during World War II.
He doesn't talk about it, though.

....................

'Woman accused of snorting dead woman's ashes at house party.'
It's claimed she snorted half a gran...

....................

Theresa May's speech interrupted by a guy who hands her a P45.
There's no joke involved, that guy is just my new fucking hero and deserves recognition.

....................

The symptoms of diabetes are: excessive urination (especially at night), increased thirst, tiredness, genital itching and blurred vision.
Fuck me, I've been a diabetic every Friday night for years.

....................

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Old 05-10-2017, 05:08 PM
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Anyone want to swap some bum jokes?
I've got piles...

....................

Why have abs when you can have kebabs!

....................

Just had a chat with my neighbour's teenage daughter.
Turns out she's well into UFOs!.
Which is handy as she's getting abducted tomorrow.

....................

In hindsight i should of put my status as "blew the gasket on on my 52 plate ford" Rather than "I just fucked a 15 year old escort. "
Police have confiscated my laptop ,and the wife has gone back to her mothers.

.....................

Piers Morgan being his usual smug, annoying self whilst interviewing an NRA spokesman.
Where's a gun-toting nutter when you need one?

.....................

The scariest thing about Trump and Kim Jong starting World War III is that we are on the German's side.
They've not won one yet.

.....................

Teacher says to Johnny "Where's Pakistan?"
Johnny replies "Out in the play ground with Pakisteve"

.....................

I hate it when my Chav girlfriend gets changed into her pyjamas.
I don't know if she's going to bed or going out shopping.

.....................

Why is it on those 'French for beginners' courses one of the first lines you learn is always "Ou est la bibliotheque?" or "Where is the library?"
If I can barely speak French, why would I want to go to a library filled with books I can't fucking understand?

......................

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Old 06-10-2017, 03:17 PM
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Friday is my second favourite F word.

....................

Winter is coming....
That time of year where the poor have to make tough choices between feeding their kids, heating the house, or getting a massive new tattoo.

....................

My penis is a lot like a toaster.
If the crumpet is too fat, it won't pop up.

....................

Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber.
He died recently, surrounded by his family.

....................

I looked outside and it was pissing it down.
I thought, 'Fuck it, I'm not going out in that. I'll pick the kids up from school tomorrow.'

....................

I was telling Dave how my time machine experiment went drastically wrong when I went back in time & ended up inadvertently having sex with my own mother.
"Oh shit, so you could be your own father then?" he asked
"Well not really, I only went back two days"

....................

27 years later, my wife still looks just the same as she did at our wedding... Mouth full of cake.

....................

As I stood swaying from side to side at the British Airways ticket desk last night, the guy looked at me and said, "Can I help?" "Yes," I slurred, unzipping my superman costume and pulling my wallet out, "One ticket to Amsterdam please." "You're unable to fly, sir." he replied, "You're far too drunk." I said, "I know mate, that's why I'm getting a plane."

....................

Have you noticed that wives do not want to hear what you think.
Wives want to hear what they think but in a deeper voice.

....................

Historians: Prince Harry marrying Meghan Markle would be groundbreaking. Not because she's mixed-race or divorced, but because they're not related.

....................

Knock Knock
'Who's there?'
'Its me Jesus, let me in'
'Why do you want to be let in?'
'I want to save you!'
'Save me from what?'
'From what I'll do to you if you don't let me in'

...................

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Old 07-10-2017, 06:12 PM
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My old man would never go down without a fight.
That's why I'd never get in a lift with him.

.....................

My daughter said, "Dad, can my boyfriend stay over tonight?"
I said, "Can he fuck!"
She said, "Like a rabbit!"

.....................

They should make another Taken movie, about Liam Neeson being underappreciated for trying to keep his family safe.
"Taken 4: Granted"

......................

What do you call a Scotsman with diarrhea?
Bravefart.

......................

I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a works function, we were having a drink and I said to him "Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"?
He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife"

.......................

In wake of his passing I hear they are releasing some old Tom Petty and Johnny Cash collaborations.
Just need to come up with a catchy name for them....

........................

I'd like to thank the girl with no sports bra who ran with me through the last few miles of yesterday's marathon.
Your lack of support got me through.

........................

News: Women now allowed to drive in Saudi Arabia.
Just a few short years after cars were allowed to drive themselves.

........................

The other day I got pulled over by a cop. When he walked up, I pulled out my 9mm.
Once he stopped laughing, he wrote me up for indecent exposure.

........................

Breaking News: Nicola Sturgeon has declared independence in Caledonia !

........................

Suffering from OCD nearly drove me to kill myself; Fortunately , I could never write a suicide note I was entirely happy with.

........................

Just had that difficult conversation with my kids about internet porn.
All I could manage was, "I was young, needed the money and it was cold."

........................

Gay marriage.
For those of you confused about the idea, it's like normal marriage but with blowjobs, anal and less arguments about who left the toilet seat up.

.........................

My wife is registered disabled. When she was asked for proof her of disability recently she showed our marriage certificate.

..........................

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Old 08-10-2017, 02:17 PM
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John Major has told Tories to show Teresa May "loyalty."
A bit like he showed his wife whilst fucking Edwina Curry.

....................

Experience has taught me not to hit on any girl wearing a ring.
It just gets you thrown out of the pool and called a paedo.

....................

I've just had to change my relationship status on Facebook to 'It's Complicated' after breaking both of my wrists.

....................

In the four hours it took before the police announced the London Museum traffic incident wasn't a terrorist attack, how many fuckin' mugs rushed out to buy a stack of balloons and scented candles?

....................

What's the difference between Lewis Hamilton and Hitler?
Lewis Hamilton can finish a race.

....................

It's my birthday today and off my wife, I got a long slow blow job.
I didn't have the heart to tell her I got the same from her sister.

.....................

Had my Brummie friend round last night for a few drinks. "You want to watch a film?" I asked.
"Yeah ok." She replied.
"What about Titanic?" I said.
"What's that about?" She asked.
"Yeah." I said. "A fucking big one. Struck an iceberg and sank."

......................

On the way home from the pub last night, I found the instructor from my Karate club at the pavement edge struggling to get to his feet. He had a broken nose, two black eyes and a broken arm. I helped him up and said, "Wow mate I thought you were a black belt." he said "I am but it doesn't work against cars."

......................

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Old 09-10-2017, 07:19 PM
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A woman walked into a library & asked for a book on euphemisms.
The librarian took her up the rear aisle and let her have it.

.................

What do you call a Scotsman at the World Cup?
Ref.

.................

RUSSIANS: Want to get away from all the world cup fuss next June?
Try a holiday in Scotland.

.................

I see Scotland are out.
Mind you, I thought the bright pink kit was a bit of a give-away.

.................

My wife's really worried about another terrorist bombing and she doesn't want our daughter to go to the upcoming Lady Gaga concert.
"There's no need to worry," I said to her, "Every single person in there will have their eyes on that suspicious package on stage."

.................

What do you call an Irish Rastafarian?
Eamon.

.................

I just watched a documentary about Adolf Hitler.
He sure was a popular guy.
Everywhere he went, people shouted "Hi Hitler" and gave him a little wave.

.................

I was stood in front of my wife's hospital bed and turned to the Doctor. 'Look' I said, 'I know she's my wife, but I can't bear to see her in pain, you have my permission to switch off life support'.
My wife slowly turned her head looked at me and said 'Fuck right off Dave, it's only an ingrowing toe nail'.

.................

Unexpected item in the baggage area.
That would be a fucking real life cashier then?

.................

The van was overloaded and listing to the left when we got pulled over. "Would you follow me?" said the copper. "I have reason to believe you're overweight....."
"Don't you fucking start as well," snarled my wife.

.................

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Old 10-10-2017, 07:18 PM
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The wife said she wanted to go & see Jeremy Kyle live for her birthday.
So I got her sister pregnant!
We're on next Wednesday!

.................

Can someone tell me who played Forrest Gump?
T.hanks.

.................

Trying to book flights to Moscow for the World Cup next summer. All the flights from Heathrow and Gatwick are fully booked.
Then I found out there are loads of flights available from Glasgow airport.

.................

"I'm proud to be Asian." Said the Asian.
"I'm proud to be black." Said the African.
"I'm proud to be white." Said the racist.

..................

I recorded the England game from last night and it played on fast forward without me realising.
It was almost like watching a normal game.

..................

Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.

..................

The Police called me today to tell me that my wife was in a serious car accident.
"Oh my God! Is she ok?" I asked
"Well she has a couple of big bumps and a huge gash" said the copper
"I know she has, but is she injured?"

..................

I was telling my mate that I saw a woman pushed in front of a train this morning.
"Oh my God! Was it moving?" he asked.
I said "Well a few on-lookers were crying but I was fine."

.................

I was just leaving the McDonald's car park when my son said "Dad, why is that dog on top of the other one?"
I said "They're making beautiful tender love" as I pulled the car up.
"Is that how you and mummy made me?" he asked.
I said "Yes. In this very car park while people watched"

.................

So the fifth round of brexit negotiations get underway in Brussels this week . If past form is anything to go by, we should reach the semi-finals then get knocked out on penalties.

..................

With Hugh Hefners death the Qur'an have changed their pledge on 72 Virgins to used only once.

...................

Trump proposes ‘IQ tests’ face-off with Tillerson, after secretary of state calls him a ‘moron’.
I'm actually surprised Trump can spell 'IQ' .

...................

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Old 11-10-2017, 05:59 PM
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I'm not saying my wife's fat or anything, but the longest diet she's ever been on was the 15 minute walk to the cake shop!

..................

Bought a pedometer the other day, it came with step by step instructions.

..................

B.B.C News :The Vatican is still against surrogate mothers.
Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

..................

Tantric Sex practitioners have developed a new technique called 'The Brexit'. You try to pull out, but end up getting fucked twice as hard as before, it drags on forever, and both parties end up completely unsatisfied.

...................

Sex has gone downhill with the wife, so I bought her a dildo.
"It looks like a carrot!" she said.
Which is ironic as her fanny looks like a donkey yawning.

...................

I rang my boss earlier "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter" I asked.
"I don't know" he replied.
"I'm not coming in this morning" I said.

....................

I was walking through Bradford when all of a sudden 10 Asians jumped out and started chasing me. I ran as fast as I could but they still caught me. The sat me down, shouted, "Allahu Akbar" then cut my hair, trimmed my beard and moistened my skin, whilst another applied aftershave and seaweed facial pack. Fucking Muslim Grooming Gang.

....................

I was stood in the chemist and I said to the lady behind the counter. "Do you have anything that will clear up diarrhea?"
"We have some Imodium plus." She replied.
"No, I don't think you understood my question - I just shit on your floor"

....................

I thought my luck had turned when I saw two magpies.
Then I got run over by a woman named Joy.

.....................

"Dad, " said my son, "I don't know how to break this to you, I love you and I don't want to hurt you, but I have to be myself and I can't live a lie anymore. I'm gay. "
"Oh my God, thank fuck for that son, " I replied, "I thought you were going to say you were a vegan. "

.....................

My Gran has just been given 2-3 months to live.
She's just had the letter about the 8% gas increase.

.....................

Almost all serial killers are men.
That's because women prefer to kill one man slowly over many many years.

.....................

I'm starting to think that maybe the gym isn't really for me.
I was in this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups and woke up 2 hours later.

.....................

"Police offer £50,000 bounty for UK's most wanted killer"
I thought Tony Blair had state immunity for the Iraq War.

.....................

My wife bought me a fitness DVD called "10 Steps To The Body You Deserve". It should be pretty easy, it takes me 4 steps just to get to the DVD player.

.....................

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Old 12-10-2017, 07:04 PM
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My grandfather was a baker for the army..
When he went to war, he went in all buns glazing.

................

What do you call a Pakistani Elvis impersonator?
Amal Shookup.

................

The day my son told me he was gay, I turned my back on him.
That was my first mistake.

................

When my wife thought she smelled gas and I forgot to call someone around to get it looked at, she was fuming.
Well, the little bit left they found of her was, anyway...

................

A Policeman has been fired for suggesting that Muslim terrorists should be wrapped in bacon.
What do you expect from the Pigs?

................

Cara Delavigne has now come forward and claims she was sexually harassed by Harvey Weinstein.
Considering she's got a face like a Gremlin, he was probably just wondering what would happen if he got her wet.

................

The worst thing about a Colostomy is finding a pair of shoes that match.

................

I went to the best ever burger van today.
It was so good, it had 4 Michelin tyres.

...............

Apparently, news that the 'White Widow' used to be a Punk Rocker cast doubts on the fact that she was blown up for being a Jihadist and could be related to a retaliatory strike by music lovers, it has been claimed.

...............

They say the best drug dealers are the ones who don't use their own products...... Using that logic, I'd be hell of a treadmill salesman.

...............

Just seen a very confusing book:
'Ventriloquism for Dummies'..

...............

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Old 13-10-2017, 06:25 PM
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I consider any Friday that I'm in work an unlucky Friday.

...................

Baa baa black sheep,
Shit hes got a gun!
"Allahu Akbar!"
Everybody run!

...................

My wife has just said she needs to give our little collie something to make her sick because she is coughing a lot with a trapped fur ball in her throat.
"Cook her a meal, " I said.

...................

I don't mean to brag, but I've got a really nice bum.
I Found him asleep in a box behind Tesco's.

....................

Every time I post a joke about paedophiles it gets taken off. It's starting to piss me off.
The CBeebies website is shit.

....................

More bad news for Harvey Weinstein.
Bill Cosby just unfriended him.

....................

Religion?
Faith is the boast of the man who is too fucking lazy to investigate.

....................

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD Pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.

....................

I had such an unpleasant experience with Ryanair that I found myself crying mid-flight.
Cunts charged me 80 quid emotional baggage.

....................

I beat the shit out of a Black belt kick boxer this morning....
Apparently it's nothing to brag about if shes only 12.

....................

Religion? The only business that promises dividends only after the death of the stockholders.

....................

I was watching the news, with my blonde wife tonight. There was a demonstration by some tree huggers, about the impact of wind farms on the countryside. "Fucking idiots." I moaned. My wife said, "Well I agree with them, I think it's cruel to farm wind, it should be left to roam free, as nature intended."

.....................

My doctor said I should consume more fruit, so I've bought over a hundred quid's worth of grapes.
A case of vintage Cabernet Sauvignon.

.....................

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Old 14-10-2017, 05:17 PM
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Where do vegetarians go on holiday?
Quornwall.

................

My husband is going to a fancy dress party tonight as a Rastafarian and he’s asked me to do his hair.
I’m dreading it.

................

While digging a hole today, I found a box full of old five pence pieces.
I couldn't hold back my excitement, and I ran indoors to tell the wife...
And then I remembered why I was digging the hole.

................

I got home last night and said to the Mrs; "I can't believe it, I've just seen the Crystal Palace team playing football with a hedgehog".
"Sick bastards", she replied.
"It's ok", I said, "the hedgehog was 4-0 up".

................

Two deer were leaving a gay bar.
One turned to the other and said, 'Man, I can't believe I blew twenty bucks in there.............'

................

I see Crocs are making a comeback.
Just like pubic hair and racism.

................

Does anyone know if the Arachnophobia Helpline has a website?

................

I took my wife dogging and she got attacked by a pack of Alsatians.

................

What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and global warming? People still care about global warming.

................

I was teaching my wife how to drive today.
I said, "You're on the wrong side."
"No, I'm not," she yelled. "I'm still on the left."
I replied, "Yes, but we're upside down."

................

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Old 15-10-2017, 12:29 PM
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Today I looked at my wife and thought.
This is the only investment which has doubled in my lifetime.

...................

The landlord at my local pub announced there's going to be a hefty cash prize for this years best costume for Halloween.
Last year my wife won it and she only fucking came to pick me up.

...................

I'll never forget the day, 26th March 2015. A spaceship landed and I was approached by an alien who gave me six numbers. "Use these on your lotto, " he said, "I will return in one week, please be here. " So I rushed off and used the numbers on the lottery. They were shit, not a fucking penny. So I went to the meeting place a week later and sure enough the craft landed again and the alien approached me, "Well I said, those numbers were a waste of time, what the fuck was all that about?" "We've been studying your language and customs for many years now, " replied the alien, "April fool you cunt."

...................

My mate did'nt think having six fingers was much of a deformity.
Till I pointed out they were on his foot.

...................

So New York has built a 'Park in the sky' then?
Hope it works better than their 'Airport in a skyscraper' idea.

...................

About 18 months ago, my son came to me with a problem. Dad, my girlfriend wants to get married, she is nice, and really pretty, but i do not love her. I love someone else. She insists we get married, and will not leave. I thought about it and said. "Go kinky. Keep trying weird stuff until you find something she hates, and leaves." a few months later, he come to me again. "it didn't work. I tried everything i could find. Golden showers, gimp masks, ponytail butt plugs, anal, Cleveland Steamers, Rubber play, leather, i even asked her for a lesbian show, she brought home a girl from work.... Dogging, asphyxiation.... Dad, she even fucked the dog. She still wants to get married. She is obsessed with it." "I don't love her though. I love another girl." Eventually,i came up with a solution. And he and his new stepmother get on very well.

....................

When I was a kid my dad used to always hit me with his camera...
I still get flashbacks!

....................

What do you get if you cross a motorway with a fridge?
Run over.

....................

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  #1259  
Old 16-10-2017, 05:23 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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Posts: 7,609
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What gets longer when it's pulled..
Fits between breasts..
Inserts neatly into a hole..
And works best when jerked?
A seat belt.

..................

“We never had a TV in the family when I was younger” said my grandad.
“Well you have now” I said as I adjusted my dress.

..................

I said to my Doctor "You’ve got to help me, I’m addicted to Twitter!"
Doctor: I don’t follow you.

..................

I bumped into an old school mate yesterday, I said, "Blimey, I've not seen you for donkey's years, how are you and what are you up to nowadays"? He said "I'm fine, at the moment I help giving out clothes to poor people" I said "That's great, a very charitable job" He replied "No, not really, I work as a checkout assistant in Primark"

...................

I had five hundred Kit Kats in my fridge and my mate had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.
That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.

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With these strong winds, I’m worried about the caravan's in my garden.
They weren’t there this morning.

....................

Trump already offering help to storm victims in Peurto Sligo

....................

What's the difference between cigarettes and Eastern European murderers? You can only bring 200 cigarettes into the UK before the authorities start asking questions!

....................

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  #1260  
Old 17-10-2017, 05:26 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,609
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I live for my alarm clock collection.
It's what gets me up in the morning.

.................

Parenting tip. Find out which of your children are in the house by simply turning off the Wi-Fi.

.................

Some people see images of our lord and saviour in their toast. Some see him in the clouds. Now it seems to be in toilets.
Every time I have a shit at work I always hear the person who goes into the cubicle after me say, "Jesus Christ".

.................

My girlfriend just admitted that she used to be Christian, so I broke up with her. It might seem judgemental, but I’ve only known her since she was Christine.

.................

My girlfriend says she doesn’t trust me.
I guess that’s just one more thing she has in common with my wife.

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Susan Boyle has leapt to the defence of Harvey Weinstein stating “I met him four times in Hollywood to discuss movie scores and he never laid a finger on me !!

.................

Can’t seem to get my Gary Glitter Tribute Act up and running.
I should probably have focused more on his musical career.

.................

Why is the Storm Ophelia so dangerous?
Because it's first name is Paed.

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I have spotted a pattern to when England win the World Cup.
It is every 900 years after the Battle of Hastings.

.................

So Ed Sheeran has broke his arm and can't play the guitar, Shame he didn't break his vagina, might have stopped him being a cunt.

.................

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