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Old 20-09-2017, 06:26 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,614
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How do you change a duck into a soul singer?
Stick it in the microwave until it's bill withers.

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Someone in the street just started throwing cheese at me..
I shouted "That's mature."

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What do Liverpool and Richard III have in common?
They both got buried in Leicester.

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A young lady walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the chap who'd had his wicked way with her the previous evening, after they had met in a club.
He was stacking washing powder boxes on the shelves.
"You lying bastard!" she shouts," last night you told me you were a stunt pilot!"
"No," he says, "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team."

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"Been drinking tonight sir?" The policeman asked.
"I had one earlier, but that was all," I replied.
"I think you've had a few more than that sir. Would you step out of the van please."
"Why?" I asked.
"Because the Postman Pat ride isn't really designed for adults and there's children waiting for their go!"

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RYANAIR: Stop your pilots going on strike by charging them £10 for the ballot paper.

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My missus disappeared suddenly three weeks ago, the Police have been round today and told me to prepare myself for the worst.
So I've had to go back to the Charity shop and buy all her clothes back.

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The Pakistani family down my road won the jackpot on the lottery last week. Being a generous bunch, they shared it out between their family.They got £4.28 each.

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The Pope has warned that consulting fortune tellers and reading horoscopes will send you straight to hell..
I'm pretty sure fucking little boys gets you there too ..

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"I know we've been married forty years now, but tonight I'd like you to pretend to be a thirteen-year-old schoolgirl."
"Ewww, you're disgusting! Get the fuck away from me, you filthy pervert!" "That's the spirit, love!"

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Think i just been to a ISIS fund raiser The Band playing was:
Quran Quran With Sharia Twain

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I once bought and used a packet of "Joe Hart Condoms".
They were extra slippery and I didn't catch anything.

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I was arguing with some bloke in the pub and he squared up to me. I said, "You better watch yourself pal, when I was in the Army I killed men."
My wife said, "But you were in the Catering Corps."
I replied, "Yeah, but I'm not a very good cook."

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I was having an argument with my Dad last night. During a particularly heated exchange he shouted, "Just you remember son, you could just as easily have been an abortion".
"Yes Dad", I sighed, "Or even worse, I could have been yours."

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