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  #31  
Old 05-01-2015, 02:47 PM
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

Paddy replied, 'These are Carol's.'
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  #32  
Old 13-01-2015, 06:51 PM
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George has been living alone for some years. He's a bit lonely as his life is basically working long hours and spending time at home in front of the TV. So he decides to buy himself a pet for some company. A cat or a dog are no good due to all the hours he works so he thinks a hamster would be okay. So he goes along to the petshop and talks to the owner about buying a hamster and what he would need for it. He also asks about how to look after the little furry creature. Then he goes back home carrying his new hamster, in a shiny cage. He gets home and takes the hamster out of the cage, pets it and feeds it and generally feels quite happy with his new pet. That night he covered the cage with a blanket and the next morning, bright and early, he rushed down to take a look at his new pet. But, there was the hamster, lying dead with its feet in the air! Totally distraught and not knowing what to do, but he decided to phone the pet shop owner. "I'm really sorry to hear that." said the pet shop owner, "We haven’t got any more in stock at the moment but if you come in next week I’ll give you a new one" "But what am I to do with a dead hamster?" George asked. “Well, you can either bury it in your garden, or... if you don’t mind me suggesting it... you can make a special fertilizer for your garden from it!” George was a bit shocked at this, but asked the pet shop owner how to do that. “First you take the dead hamster and put it in a food mixer, add half a bag of sugar, some strawberries and large bucket of water. Mix the hamster, sugar and strawberries and then pour the mixture in to the bucket with the water. Give it a good stir and then go out and spread it on your garden.” Still a little unsure George thanked the owner and put the phone down. He stood there looking at his dead hamster and decided that he would try out the fertilizer recipe and see what happens. After he’d got back from the garden he cleaned himself up and went to bed a little bit upset at what had happened. Next morning he got up and opened his curtains to look at the garden. To his surprise it was full of flowers, bright yellow daffodils all over where he’d spread the fertilizer! He rushed downstairs and phoned the pet shop and told the owner the news... “Daffodils?” he said. “Are you sure they are daffodils?” “Yes,” replied George “the whole garden is full of them.” “That’s very strange” said the pet shop owner... “You normally get Tulips from Hamster Jam!”
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  #33  
Old 13-01-2015, 08:19 PM
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Fuckin' 'ell Grav... Do you know where the bloody Enter key is?
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Old 13-01-2015, 09:38 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Beer Monsters View Post
Fuckin' 'ell Grav... Do you know where the bloody Enter key is?
Unfortunately it seems he does!
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Old 14-01-2015, 11:12 AM
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Quote:
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Fuckin' 'ell Grav... Do you know where the bloody Enter key is?
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Originally Posted by BikerGran View Post
Unfortunately it seems he does!
These two were funnier than the joke^^
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  #36  
Old 14-01-2015, 02:48 PM
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An elephant meets a camel and asks, "why have you got tits on your back?"

the camel replies, "thats fu*kin rich coming from a fat c*nt with a dick on his face!!"

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Old 14-01-2015, 02:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Beer Monsters View Post
Fuckin' 'ell Grav... Do you know where the bloody Enter key is?
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Originally Posted by BikerGran View Post
Unfortunately it seems he does!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Biker Buster View Post
These two were funnier than the joke^^
Mission accomplished.

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  #38  
Old 15-01-2015, 01:50 PM
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Q: What's it called when a soldier slips into a fox hole?

A: Bestiality.

.................................................. ..................................

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks:

"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.

He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.

He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"

.................................................. ..................................

Three guys die and go to Hell.

Satan asks the first guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?"

"He was a candle maker." So, Satan burns off the guy's dick.

Satan asks the second guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?"

"He was a rope maker." So, Satan rips off the guy's dick with a rope.

Satan asks the third guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?"

The guy smiles and says, "He made lollipops."

.................................................. ..............................

Two guys get pulled over while drinking and driving.

The driver tells his friend, "Peel the labels off these beer bottles, and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now, shove all of the bottles under the front seat. Just let me do all the talking."

The cop walks up and shines his flashlight into the car. "Have you been drinking?" he asks.

"No, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."

"Then what on earth are those beer labels doing on your foreheads?"

"We're both alcoholics," says the drunk. "We're on the patch."

.................................................. ......................................

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A: A Doberman pinscher.
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  #39  
Old 15-01-2015, 04:22 PM
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Jaguar joke.

Porcupine is running thru the jungle. He bumps into Giraffe and asks him "Hey..have you seen my tool?"
Giraffe says "What's it look like?"
Porcupine says "Its about this big, has four points on it and is red. I can't find it anywhere."
"Nope" says Giraffe. "Good luck though!"
A little further on, Porcupine meets Monkey. "Hi Monkey. You haven't seen my tool have you? I really need to find it"
Monkey says "The red one, with four points? The one you're so proud of? Sorry dude, no can help."
Porcupine keeps going, getting more frantic all the time. When he sees Buzzard, he asks if he's seen the missing item.
Buzzard sniffs and says "A red four pointed tool? Sounds pretty stupid to me. I wouldn't notice it even if I did come across it."
All day this goes on, and by evening poor Porcupine is at his wits end. He's searched high and low for his tool, but it would seem that its vanished clean out of the jungle.
Just as he's about to give up, he runs into Jaguar, who asks him "Whats the matter?"
Porcupine tells him the story. "I've lost my tool, and I can't find it anywhere. I've had it for ages and it means so much to me. I don't know what to do!"
Jaguar coughs slightly "Umm, whats it look like?"
Porcupine tells him dejectedly "Its about yea big, its bright red, it has four points on it. You'd know straightaway if you saw it, that it belongs to me. I can't understand why nobody has seen it."
Jaguar looks embarassed "I can. Nobody's seen it because its in my belly."
Porcupine looks up, shocked. "In your BELLY? How'd it get there?"
Jaguar shrugs "I.... I ate it"
"WHAT?!?" screams Porcupine "You ATE IT? Why the hell would you eat it?"

"Obviously" came the reply "I'm a red four-point-tool-eater Jag"

Snigger...............
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  #40  
Old 15-01-2015, 04:23 PM
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Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other was the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

At the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!"

"IMPOSSIBLE", said the groom broom.

"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

Snigger....
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  #41  
Old 16-01-2015, 10:38 AM
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Do you know how to tell the sex of an ant:

Drop it in water:

If it sinks it's a: girl ant

If it floats it's a: boy ant
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  #42  
Old 16-01-2015, 04:28 PM
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I Thought I Was A Real Biker

A biker went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on Harleys. My momma was pregnant with me when she rode on the back of my Daddy's Harley, then as a little boy I rode on the back with my Daddy until I finally got my own Harley. I've been riding a Harley ever since. So yes, I guess I am a real biker."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women." Then she got up and left.

The biker was thinking about what just happened when a man sat down next to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

.................................................. ...........................

Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside. The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop. Then he said to them: "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now." The bear (being greedy) went first. I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done. Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet. It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the neighbouring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle." Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle. The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, and said "I wish the bear was gay" and took off like a bat out of hell.
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Old 18-01-2015, 01:00 PM
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Motorcycle tool-guide

• Eight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 2X4 - used for levering a bike upright after using a hydraulic jack on the bike.
• Hydraulic Bike Jack/Platform - ingeniously-designed tool for flipping bikes onto their sides, usually when you're alone in the shop.
• Wire Wheel - cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Hand me 'nother beer, Bubba!"
• Drill Press - a tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Pamela Anderson poster over the bench grinder.
• Oxy Acetylene torch - used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.
• Vice-Grips - used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
• Electric Hand Drill - normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling roll-bar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.
• Mechanic's Knife - used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing leathers or bike covers.
• Hammer - originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive chrome scooter parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
• Tweezers - a tool for removing wood splinters.
• Phone - tool for calling your neighbor Bubba to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. • Snap-On Gasket Scraper - theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
• E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor - a tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
• Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist - a handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. Almost capable of lifting a Gold Wing off the floor.
• Craftsman 1/2 x 16 Inch Screwdriver - a large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
• Battery - electrolyte Tester A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from scooter battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought. • Hacksaw - one of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
• Trouble Light - the mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found in garages at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
• Air Compressor - a machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and rounds them off.
• Phillips Screwdriver - normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
• Timing Light - a stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

.................................................. ....................

You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks

On the farm lived a chicken an a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for the farmer had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken s pied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!) "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"
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  #44  
Old 19-01-2015, 07:05 PM
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pulled over by the plod.

No dark visor. Number plate legal size and lettering. OEM pipes with kitemark. Pleanty of life in the tyres and brakepads. All lights working well. Blows all clear on the breathalyser. No drugs or weapons found about his person or on the motorbike. Full licence, no points. Tax and insurance all in order. V5 present and correct.

£80 fine for wasting police time.
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Old 20-01-2015, 08:58 AM
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How I lost my teeth

I was in the Cardross Inn last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a munter of a big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the arse.

She said, "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number."

I looked at her and said: "Have you got a pen."

She said, "I sure do."

I said, "Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices
you're missing."

My dental surgery is on Monday.
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Old 20-01-2015, 06:42 PM
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The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held today at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If you smiled, please rise to the occasion and pass it on to someone having a crummy day who kneads a lift.
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Old 23-01-2015, 07:40 PM
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A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

.................................................. .....................................

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

.................................................. ........................................

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

.................................................. ............................................

A baby duck and a baby skunk finish crossing the freeway after just narrowly escaping death. Their families however were all killed by a big-rig. Upon reaching the other side, the little duck tells the baby skunk, "My parents both died and didn't tell me what I am." "Well," says the baby skunk, "You are yellow and you have a bill and webbed feet. You must be a duck." The duck thanked him. The baby skunk then tells the duck, "You know what, my parents didn't tell me what I am either." "Well," says the baby duck, "You're not quite black and you're not quite white and you smell bad. You must be Mexican."
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Old 23-01-2015, 07:42 PM
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After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."
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Old 23-01-2015, 08:32 PM
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Man walks into a pub with a roll of Tarmac under his arm, says to the landlord "a pint of your best and one for the road"
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Old 23-01-2015, 08:47 PM
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Landlord looks at the roll of red tarmac and says 'I'm not serving him, he's a cyclepath'
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Old 25-01-2015, 01:01 PM
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How many nonces can you fit in a cabinet?

Ask Thatcher.

.................................................. ............................

Heard that 15,000 CCTV cameras are being installed in Delhi for Obama's visit.

This is ridiculous.

Just because he's black doesn't mean he'll steal anything.

.................................................. .............................

If I had a pound for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

.................................................. ............................

So I heard that the hackers "Anonymous" are waging war on ISIS and al-Qaeda

Quite ironic that 72 virgins will be attacking the terrorists now!

.................................................. ................................

I've just received the class photo from my son's school in East London with over half the faces pixelated.

I think the school is taking this "no images of Mohammed" thing a bit far.

.................................................. .................................

My wife keeps dropping hints about a sexy gift she wants.
"It begins with 'D' and ends in 'O' .. and it fits snugly in there", she winked as she pointed suggestively at her crotch.
I said, "Where the fuck am I gonna find a didgeridoo?"

.................................................. .....................................

My flat mate just said, "Oh that annoying cunt from Coronation Street has died".

47 guesses later I got it right.
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Old 25-01-2015, 02:17 PM
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You will have to explain the last one to those of us that thought you meant Ena Sharples..

John.
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  #53  
Old 25-01-2015, 08:04 PM
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kidhaf kidhaf is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Biker Buster View Post
How I lost my teeth

I was in the Cardross Inn last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a munter of a big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the arse.

She said, "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number."

I looked at her and said: "Have you got a pen."

She said, "I sure do."

I said, "Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices
you're missing."

My dental surgery is on Monday.
Having been in the Cardross Inn I don't get the joke ...... a fine shower of munters inhabit that fine establishment.
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  #54  
Old 26-01-2015, 12:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by John Hopkins View Post
You will have to explain the last one to those of us that thought you meant Ena Sharples..

John.
Ena's ghost still haunts the Snug, I was, of course, refering to Deidre (dreary) Barlow...
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  #55  
Old 26-01-2015, 01:43 PM
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God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.

The woman said she would try her best.

God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on..

"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I
bent over the lounge suite and my boyfriend caught sight of my long
slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and
made love to me right then and there."

"They don't like that in heaven", said God........

The woman replied: " And they're not too happy about it in IKEA either!"
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  #56  
Old 27-01-2015, 09:03 AM
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The Grim Reaper came for me last night, but I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself , they've lost the plot!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance , so I pushed her over.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was driving into work this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that , 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy says "Mick , I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .”Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well , she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

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I was explaining to my wife last night that some people believe when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.

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Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

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They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham , Bradford , Burnley , Leicester , Luton and London : Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist idiots. I mean , it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
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  #57  
Old 28-01-2015, 12:47 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £280,000 & your mother just lost her job.
There's no way we can afford it.'
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'
Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be fucked if I'm staying here by myself with a £280,000 mortgage & no fuckin bike.
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  #58  
Old 29-01-2015, 01:30 PM
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One day, a man was complaining to his friend about how much his elbow ached and that he was thinking of seeing a doctor. His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the local shopping centre that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00!”
The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing and, after a brief pause, popped out a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labour. It will be better in two weeks…….
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. So, he decided to give it a try – He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
Then, he went back to the store and located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant ……. twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better!

.................................................. .......................

“A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit.”

.................................................. .............................

“A little boy caught his mom and dad having sex. After, he asked, "What were you and daddy doing?" The mom said, "We were baking a cake." A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, "Were you and daddy baking a cake in the living room?" She said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered, "Because I licked the frosting off the couch!"

.................................................. ...............................

“A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was...God, I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get really screwed!”
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  #59  
Old 29-01-2015, 07:55 PM
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A Yorkshireman was taking his driving test and performing all the manouvers asked of him. It was soon time to head back to the test centre and the examiner asked
"Can you make a U-Turn?"
"Aye" he replied, " Ah con mek it's bloody eyes watter"
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  #60  
Old 30-01-2015, 12:28 PM
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1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?

2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?

3. I’m spread before I’m eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?

4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I?

5. All day long it’s in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?

6. I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?

7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It’s my job to stuff your box. When I come, it’s news. What am I?

8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?

9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I’m called a big swinger. What am I?

10. I’m at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?

Answers:

1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4.chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush, of course!

Now Really! Just what were you thinking?

.................................................. .......................

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what’s wrong.

“Well,” replies Paul, “you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?”

“Yes,” replies Jeff with a laugh.

“Well,” says Paul, straightening up, “I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.”

“That’s great!” says Jeff, “When are you going out?”

“I went to meet her this evening,” continues Paul, “but I was worried I’d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn’t show.”

“Sensible” says Jeff.

“So I get to her door,” says Paul, “and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw.”

“And what happened then?”

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

“I kicked her in the face.”

.................................................. ...........................

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome and didn’t really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me.” I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!
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