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  #1  
Old 24-11-2014, 08:43 PM
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Default joke of the day

“A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next several months, he saw her doing this often. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning differently. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, and started stroking himself, moaning, "I need a bike! I need a bike!
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Old 24-11-2014, 09:49 PM
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Little Johnny went to school and saw his mate Hillary Scott-Johnson had a new watch that had a built in GPS and video phone.. "How did you get that" asked Johnny..."I walked into Papa's bedroom and caught him in bed with the maid" replied Hillary "He said that if I didn't tell Mama he would buy me a new watch..
That afternoon Johnny got home early and walked into his dads bedroom where his dad was shagging the next door neighbours wife, dad looked over his shoulder and said "Waddaya want"..."I wanna watch" replied Johnny.."Well shut the bleeding door, there's a draft going right up my arse"

John.
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Old 25-11-2014, 09:19 AM
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After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared,'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile,

'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.
Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration ....

"THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"
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Old 25-11-2014, 11:49 AM
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Fred gets to the dentist - 8:00 appointment - and he said he's in a BIG hurry to get to the golf course. He's got a 9:00 tee time with 3 buddies. He needs a tooth drilled and filled ASAP- there is no way he can wait for anesthesia to kick in.

Doc says, that this is really going to hurt - he recommends the anesthesia.

Fred says, NO WAY, just start drilling. This is the most prestigious course in town, and they've been waiting a LONG TIME to get in. There is NO WAY he's waiting for anesthesia. Just START DRILLING.

Doc says, "OK, if you insist. Which tooth is it"?

Fred says to his wife "Open your mouth, Dear, and show him...."
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Old 25-11-2014, 11:55 AM
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What do you do for a living?

I'm an anaath..err anethn err

I put people to sleep..

Oh, you're an opera singer..
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Old 25-11-2014, 06:06 PM
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The Seven Dwarves were granted an audience with the Pope.

All the dwarves pushed Dopey to the front, "Go on Ask him" they all said. Dopey shuffled forward.

"How can I help you, My Child" The Pope said

"Erm.. Your Eminence, do you have or know of a three foot tall Nun in the Vatican?" Asked Dopey.

The Pope thought for a minute and replied "No, My Son I do not."
dopey turned to his chums with a worried look as they giggled at him. Dopey turned back to the Pope

" Please your Holiness, could you tell me if their is a 3ft tall Nun in Rome?"

The Pope a little puzzled at this line of questioning looks over to his equerry who shakes his head.

"I'm sorry My Son but we have no such nun in Rome" Dopey starts wringing his hat with worry. The chums start sniggering behind him, He turns to them and shoots them a withering look, quietening them down a bit. Dopey turns back to the Pope

"Please your Graciousness could you tell if there is a 3ft tall nun in the whole of Italy then?" Dopey asks

The Pope raises his eyebrows as he looks to his equerry. the equerry just shrugs his shoulders. The Pope turns back to Dopey

" No I am very sorry My Boy (the Pope had a Jewish background) but we do not have any 3ft tall nuns anywhere. Why Do you Ask?"

At this point all the other dwarves fall about howling with laughter and start chanting

" Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey shagged a penguin!"..
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Old 15-12-2014, 10:43 AM
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American chap wanders into an ice cream bar and ordered a chocolate float, Pimply yoof said "we are out of Chocolate", so he said OK then Give me a chocolate sundae, yoof said "we are out of Chocolate", he said OK then just give me a chocolate ice cream cone, the yoof said "can you spell the van in vanilla" he said Yes, yoof said "can you spell the straw in strawberry" he said yes i can, Yoof said can you spell the F**K in chocolate", he thought about it for a minute and said "there ain't no F**K in chocolate", yoof said "that's what i have been trying to tell you".
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Old 17-12-2014, 05:56 AM
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A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patient

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients

"The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:

'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!"

"Tunderin' Lord Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.


"I put drops in her eyes."
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Old 19-12-2014, 12:08 AM
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One day a guy in Alabama was killed in a house fire; he was burned so bad, the coroner couldn't identify him; he thought it might be Bubba, but just couldn't be sure. He talked to the sheriff about it, and the sheriff told him that if anyone could possibly identify the remains, it would be his two best friends, Clem and Billy-Bob. "They are always together." The coroner said he would talk to them, so the sheriff brought them in

The next morning, here comes the sheriff with Billy-Bob and Clem in tow. The coroner explained what the problem was and Clem and Billy-Bob said they would give it a try.

So the coroner brings Billy-Bob in first. He uncovers the body, Billy-Bob stood wide-eyed, and said; "dang, that old boy is burnt bad! I can tell for sure. The coroner, looking disappointed, started to cover the body, when Billy-Bob got excited, and said;

"Hey, turn him over!" The coroner turns the body over, Billy-Bod looks for a minute, says

"Nope! That ain't Bubba!"

So the coroner, looking disappointed, turns the corpse over and covers him back up, then takes Billy-Bob to the waiting room, and said;"wait here." He takes Clem in to the examining room and uncovers the body.

Clem looks, wide-eyed, and says;" DANG!! That ol' boy is COOKED!! " He looks dumbfounded, says he can't tell, then gets excited, and tells the coroner, "Hey! Turn him over!" The coroner looks puzzled, then rolls the corpse over.

Clem looks, and says; "Nope, It ain't Bubba! No way. The coroner sighs, covers the corpse, and takes Clem back to the waiting room. He tells Clem to have a seat. He looks thoughtful for a moment, and says," so how come you couldn't tell looking at his front, but when I turned him over you both said 'no, that ain't Bubba!' How could you tell?"

Billy-Bob says, "shoot, thats easy! This guy only has one arsehole! Bubba, he's got two arseholes!"

" What do you mean, Bubba has two arseholes! I've never heard of that!", replies the coroner.

Clem said,"oh yeah, its true! Every time we would come to town with Bubba, everyone would say, 'Hey! Here comes Bubba with them two arseholes!!"
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Old 19-12-2014, 10:33 PM
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Old 20-12-2014, 09:31 AM
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The teacher is giving class a lesson in English and she asks for a sentence containing the word fascinate.

Sarah bobs her hand up, "At the weekend, Mum took us to a farm and the animals were fascinating".

" Very good", says the teacher, "but I asked for fascinate and you used fascinating"

Rebecca pipes up, "In the holidays, Dad took us all to a working museum and we were all fascinated".

" Good, but again, incorrect. You said fascinated when I asked for fascinate. Who will give me a sentence with the correct word?"

Johnny sticks his hand up and the teacher quails, she has been burnt by him before. How can he ruin this she thinks.....

"My big sister has a shirt with ten buttons on it, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!"
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Old 27-12-2014, 11:49 AM
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Two good old boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from privates to Lance Corporals.
Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Mick says, "Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in."

"But we’re only privates," protests Paddy.

"We're Lance Corporals now," says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. "Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we're privates," says Paddy.

"You blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. "We're Lance Corporals now!"

So they have their drink, and pretty soon one of the Army lasses comes up to Mick.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to shag you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea."

Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what Gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."
So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big thumbs up.
Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea. Mick says to Paddy, "Why the hell did you give me the thumbs up?"

"Well Mick, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhoea affects only the privates & we're Lance Corporals now "
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Old 29-12-2014, 08:28 AM
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Some Glaswegian humour



A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time.
He says, "This is Amanda."

His dad jumps up. "It's a fecking what?"

-------------------------------------------------------------

Final question at a pub quiz in Glasgow last night -

Take That's first album consisted of four words, the first two were "Take That" but what were the second two?

There was a long pause then a wee Glasgow man pipes up with .....

Was it "Ya caaant"..


----------------------------------------------------------

A primary school teacher spots that Johnny, one of her pupils, is clutching a cat. She inquires, "Johnny, why is your cat at school today?"

Johnny, now in tears, replies, "I heard the postman telling Mummy 'when the kids go to school today, I'm going to eat your pussy'!"
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Old 30-12-2014, 12:12 PM
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I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

********************************

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring and farting...so, at least I got home last night.

********************************

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.

"Nationality?" asked the immigration officer.

"German", she replies

"Occupation?"

"No, just for a few days."

****************************************

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at the Traffic wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead, Let me out!"

The vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking in air through his teeth and mutters,

"To late, mate, the paperworks already been done."

*************************************************

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.

Or *foreplay* as she likes to call it.

************************************************

A young man came home last night and proudly announced to his dad that he had had S E X for the first time.

He said "I hope you took precautions?"

"What do you mean?" the lad asked.

"Did you wear a condom?"

"Nah, but I kept my balaclava on."

************************************************

"Jesus Loves You"

Nice to hear in a church but not in a Mexican prison.

*************************************************

Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly I nearly fell in.
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Old 30-12-2014, 07:08 PM
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Specialist Ebola doctors are concerned after a case has been confirmed in Glasgow.

It means the virus is now resistant to alcohol.

---------------------------------

A man in Glasgow has got Ebola.

The virus is so popular, the Scots named a drink after it.

---------------------------
Scotland's first response team sprang into action upon discovering Ebola in Glasgow.

Their first response was 'Send her to England!'

---------------------------------
The Ebola patient from West Africa being treated in Glasgow for Ebola, is being transferred to London.

Apparently she made the request saying "I'm not dying in this shithole"
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Old 05-01-2015, 12:30 PM
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Charlie finally got into the chocolate factory....





Which was great as his girlfriend had been against it for years.....
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Old 13-01-2015, 06:51 PM
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George has been living alone for some years. He's a bit lonely as his life is basically working long hours and spending time at home in front of the TV. So he decides to buy himself a pet for some company. A cat or a dog are no good due to all the hours he works so he thinks a hamster would be okay. So he goes along to the petshop and talks to the owner about buying a hamster and what he would need for it. He also asks about how to look after the little furry creature. Then he goes back home carrying his new hamster, in a shiny cage. He gets home and takes the hamster out of the cage, pets it and feeds it and generally feels quite happy with his new pet. That night he covered the cage with a blanket and the next morning, bright and early, he rushed down to take a look at his new pet. But, there was the hamster, lying dead with its feet in the air! Totally distraught and not knowing what to do, but he decided to phone the pet shop owner. "I'm really sorry to hear that." said the pet shop owner, "We haven’t got any more in stock at the moment but if you come in next week I’ll give you a new one" "But what am I to do with a dead hamster?" George asked. “Well, you can either bury it in your garden, or... if you don’t mind me suggesting it... you can make a special fertilizer for your garden from it!” George was a bit shocked at this, but asked the pet shop owner how to do that. “First you take the dead hamster and put it in a food mixer, add half a bag of sugar, some strawberries and large bucket of water. Mix the hamster, sugar and strawberries and then pour the mixture in to the bucket with the water. Give it a good stir and then go out and spread it on your garden.” Still a little unsure George thanked the owner and put the phone down. He stood there looking at his dead hamster and decided that he would try out the fertilizer recipe and see what happens. After he’d got back from the garden he cleaned himself up and went to bed a little bit upset at what had happened. Next morning he got up and opened his curtains to look at the garden. To his surprise it was full of flowers, bright yellow daffodils all over where he’d spread the fertilizer! He rushed downstairs and phoned the pet shop and told the owner the news... “Daffodils?” he said. “Are you sure they are daffodils?” “Yes,” replied George “the whole garden is full of them.” “That’s very strange” said the pet shop owner... “You normally get Tulips from Hamster Jam!”
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Old 13-01-2015, 08:19 PM
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Fuckin' 'ell Grav... Do you know where the bloody Enter key is?
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Old 13-01-2015, 09:38 PM
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Fuckin' 'ell Grav... Do you know where the bloody Enter key is?
Unfortunately it seems he does!
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Old 14-01-2015, 11:12 AM
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Fuckin' 'ell Grav... Do you know where the bloody Enter key is?
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Unfortunately it seems he does!
These two were funnier than the joke^^
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Old 14-01-2015, 02:48 PM
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An elephant meets a camel and asks, "why have you got tits on your back?"

the camel replies, "thats fu*kin rich coming from a fat c*nt with a dick on his face!!"

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Old 14-01-2015, 02:54 PM
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Fuckin' 'ell Grav... Do you know where the bloody Enter key is?
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Unfortunately it seems he does!
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Originally Posted by Biker Buster View Post
These two were funnier than the joke^^
Mission accomplished.

Snigger....
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Old 20-01-2015, 06:42 PM
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The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held today at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If you smiled, please rise to the occasion and pass it on to someone having a crummy day who kneads a lift.
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Old 23-01-2015, 07:40 PM
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A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

.................................................. .....................................

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

.................................................. ........................................

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

.................................................. ............................................

A baby duck and a baby skunk finish crossing the freeway after just narrowly escaping death. Their families however were all killed by a big-rig. Upon reaching the other side, the little duck tells the baby skunk, "My parents both died and didn't tell me what I am." "Well," says the baby skunk, "You are yellow and you have a bill and webbed feet. You must be a duck." The duck thanked him. The baby skunk then tells the duck, "You know what, my parents didn't tell me what I am either." "Well," says the baby duck, "You're not quite black and you're not quite white and you smell bad. You must be Mexican."
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Old 23-01-2015, 07:42 PM
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After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."
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Old 23-01-2015, 08:32 PM
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Man walks into a pub with a roll of Tarmac under his arm, says to the landlord "a pint of your best and one for the road"
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Old 23-01-2015, 08:47 PM
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Landlord looks at the roll of red tarmac and says 'I'm not serving him, he's a cyclepath'
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Old 30-10-2015, 01:17 PM
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Originally Posted by krish03v View Post
10% monthly interest http://cricketsessiontip.com/10-risk-free/ ,,,, that site provide monthly interest for every one....
what is program min $100 and max $1000 single user can invest here.
If you will invest here $100 after one month you will get $110 .If you will invest here for 10 month you will get $200. This website can help you for increasing your money this is 1st website will provide you that type of interest.....
so visit http://cricketsessiontip.com/10-risk-free/
Sorry, can't beat this joke.....
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Old 30-10-2015, 01:38 PM
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It's all fun and games until grandpa has a flashback during Battleships.

..................................

If you put an infinite number of monkeys in front of of an infinite number of typewriters , they would probably have published the Chilcot enquiry by now.

..................................

I tried my first Irish cream after church today.

Or at least that's what Father O' Brien calls it.

..................................

After my first five sessions of therapy, my shrink said he thinks I'll only need five more sessions and I'll be cured of my random impulses to shout out lyrics from Bon Jovi songs.

Woah! We're halfway there...

....................................

Was reading in the Express a list of eleven things you should NEVER do in Saudi Arabia or you could be risking your LIFE

So I've made my own list of one thing you should never do. Visit Saudi Arabia.

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Women are looking for two things in a man; his own home and his own car.

And I tick both boxes, I live in my car.

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I've sacked my tennis doubles partner.

I told him his services were no longer required.

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Since this Halloween is my Dad's 50th, I'm going to dress up as him. Should give my mum a good scare considering he's been dead for 4 years.

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Just seen that Caitlyn Jenner has been voted as one of the Women Of The Year by Glamour Magazine.

Surely it would have been better to let her win "Best Newcomer"?

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In the news...Vigil held for stabbed teenager.

"Looks like there will be one less character in the next Thunderbirds series then?"

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Britain hasn't produced a decent white boxer in years.

Bloody foreigners, coming over here stealing our jabs.

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I once played Rugby for WASPS in the B team

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There's a new video online of a jihadi getting fucked by some silverbacks...

'Gorillas in the Islamist'

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"I thought you were going to decorate the pumpkins?"
"I have"
"They're orange and faceless?"
"Exactly, it's the cast of Towie"

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My sister likes to break the ice on a date by telling them she's bi......she likes to leave it a few days to add the polar bit !!

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I went to the fancy dress shop earlier to buy a dracula costume and the girl behind the counter gave me a Liverpool shirt.
"Sorry love," I said, "I think you misunderstood me. I said I wanted to look like a count."

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My son came home tonight and said, "Dad, this is my friend Billy, he's got Down's Syndrome."

I said, "Thank God for that, I thought he was a Liverpool supporter for a minute."

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I am so poor, I can't even pay attention

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got told today i couldnt win best halloween outfit because i never turned up,

you should have saw the look on there face when i said "i was maddeline mccann but"

....................................

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Old 31-10-2015, 01:16 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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Posts: 7,775
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My wife says sex with a cucumber is just as good as the real thing.

I disagree. It took me three hours for my cock to break through the skin.

.....................................

The wife chose the wrong night to have a heart attack.


When the sexy paramedic arrived, I sent her away with a handful of sweets.

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So human DNA found in pork sausages,
How did that get there DAVID CAMERON?

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I've been showing mental patients Alfred Hitchcock films all day.

I'm a Psychotherapist.

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The Scottish Premier is to start using goal-line technology.

It's expected Och Aye will be installed at all grounds in time for next season

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Argentina are to invade third place saying that because they played in the match they have a legitimate claim

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A job interview is all about confidence.

So I swaggered in a day late.

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I think the recent dip in Math scores of American students can be attributed to the general belief that its problems are usually not in touch with reality.

Luckily, it can be easily addressed with questions like, 'If Andrew fires four rounds from his gun and two hit Susie and one flies out of the window, how many bullets are still left in the magazine?'.

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Bringing up Baby: A cannibal mother's struggles with bulimia

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Did you know..
If all the pretty girls from Northampton were laid end to end.
I'd shag both of them.

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My wife is going as a nurse on Halloween.

She's learnt Ghanaian and bought a tin of boot polish.

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My wife asked me to dry the dog after its bath.

Totally ruined the microwave.

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What's better than winning Gold in the Paralympics?

Not stepping on the landmine in the first place.

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If you want to change the world,do it while you're a bachelor,because once you're married you can't even change the tv channel.

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I went to the library and asked if they had a book on football

The librarian replied "yes we do actually....currently we have Man City at 5/6 to win the Premiership"

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I've spent many days this summer sat around a load of burning meat, getting suitably shitfaced while trading insults with the wife and picking fights with family members.

That's how we do cremations up north.

.........................................

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