Thread: joke of the day
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Old 14-11-2017, 09:24 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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Just a quick apology to those Take That fans I offended earlier.
Whatever I said, whatever I did
I didn't mean it.

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Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies.
Is that a trick question?

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Payslips are like willies.
Although you donít go around comparing yours to other peoples, you always hope itís a little bigger.

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I started my new job today.
My boss handed me a fiver and said, "First things first, I need you to go down to the shops and buy me a glass hammer, a skirting board ladder and a bubble for a spirit level."
I laughed and said, "Do you really think I'm that fucking stupid?"
"What do you mean Simon?" He sniggered.
I said, "That lot is going to cost more than a fucking fiver."

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Facebook Status: "You know it's Christmas when the Coca-Cola advert comes on."
Personally, I know it's Christmas when it's the 25th of December you dickhead!

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I woke up this morning and there was a letter on the doormat.
On the envelope it said 'Please do not bend'
I thought to myself, How the fuck am I going to pick this up?

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Round my area there's lots of "strong independent women" who "don't need no man" but rely entirely on the state for food, shelter and medicine.

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Came out my house earlier and my next door neighbour was scrubbing at his door.
Someone had spray painted the word 'pedo' on his front door.
What's been going on here Bob?" I asked
"Fucking kids aint it" he said, shaking his head.
"Well you deserve it then you dirty bastard" I replied.

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Red riding hood was walking through the forest when all of a sudden the big bad wolf jumped out and said "Take your blouse off so I can suck your tits!".
Red riding hood pulls down her knickers lies on the ground and says "Fuck off, you're gonna eat me just like the book says!"

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My mate does a great Stephen Hawking impression.
Probably the only upside of the crash.

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I was flicking through a copy of Razzle
When I saw, what I thought was a vajazzle
But it wasn't some bling
On her lady pee thing
It was the light on the staple that dazzled.

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My friend asked me if I believed in reincarnation?
"Yes I do," I replied.
"Good!" he said "So what would you like to come back as then?"
"Hmm..." I thought for a minute, "I think I'd like to come back as a swan."
"A swan?" he laughed, "That's a bit fucking gay isn't it?"
"Is it?" I said as I broke his arm.

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how many people with alzheimer's does it take to change a lightbulb?? .....the battle of hastings!

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I noticed on my TV remote, there was a 'Cinema Surround' button. I pushed it.
All of a sudden, a voice came from behind me saying, 'Move your head you fat twat.'

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