Thread: joke of the day
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Old 07-11-2017, 06:43 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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I sat next to an insurance salesmen at the Robbie Williams gig last night.
And through it all, he offered me protection...

.................

I saw a girl busking today. She had a great voice, and an even better pair of legs, emphasised by the short skirt she was wearing.
"Any requests?" She asked the watching crowd.
"Your thong," I replied with a wink.
Everyone gasped in horror, and the girl slapped me.
It's tough being an Elton John fan with a lisp.

.................

Samantha had a lovely skirt,
with splits right up both sides,
and when she shimmied down the street,
the boys could see her thighs.

Samantha had another skirt,
with splits right up the front,
but she wasn't wearing that one today.

.................

I lost the tie-breaker in a pub quiz tonight.
The question was "In what industry should you never work with animals or children?"
Their answer was "Entertainment"
Mine was "Pornography"

.................

How the fuck can the Queen be a tax dodger.
The money she has is tax. Our fuckin tax. Would you like to have to pay tax on your tax?

.................

What's the difference between BSE and PMT?
One effects the cow's brain causing it to go mental.
The other is a illness found in cattle

.................

In the shower with the Mrs.
"Phwoooooar, your tits looks really sexy, babe. All soapy and wet, wobbling up and down."
"Fuck off. And don't keep taking the piss, or I'm getting out." I replied.

.................

"An extravagance is anything you buy that is of no earthly use to your wife."

.................

This girl I like at school told me “I identify as nonbinary gender fluid pan sexual”
According to the headmaster responding with “I’m mentally ill too” is not an acceptable response.

.................

My wife always said that I make her feel like a real woman.
She fucked off with a lesbian.

.................

Nearly had a fight with my army of Twitter followers
It got pretty tense at one stage until they all retweeted

.................

And an old trucker pulls over to give the hitcher a ride. After about 10 minutes of silence, the gender fluid person asks "Well, aren't you curious if I'm a boy or a girl?"
And the old trucker says "Not really, I'm gunna fuck ya either way."

.................

I sat my girlfriend down earlier and said, "Babe, you know how you're always going on about the patter of tiny feet? Well..."
"Oh my God!" she gasped, "You want us to try for a baby?"
"No, we've got rats."

.................

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