Thread: joke of the day
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Old 04-11-2017, 06:58 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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How much do Cockney's pay for shampoo?
Pantene.

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I was going to commit suicide by jumping off a cliff; I looked down and noticed I was above a nudist beach.
So I tossed myself off.

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A man walks into a library and asks for a book on Tourette’s.
Librarian: “Fuck off, you twat!”
Man: “Yes that’s the one!”

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Seen on the news Aldi is closing 50 stores. Damn that means like 3 cashiers are gonna be outta work!

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BMW to recall one million vehicles in North America.
Finally, they are going to fit some fucking indicators.

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I really don't get those 'Baby On Board' stickers. What am I supposed to do? Hang out the window and scream 'Oh she's got her mothers' eyes' from the overtaking lane?

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Sports Quiz.

Name the venue and year that a boxer had a shit on the floor straight after being awarded the title.
Crufts 1987.

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I phoned the samaritans and said "Im at the top of Beachy head and I'm gonna toss myself off."
The woman on the other end of the line said "what about the people below?" I said "don't worry love they'll probably think it's just bird shit".

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When I went to Vegas I Met tons of celebrities.
Kevin Spacey was an amazing Black Jack player because he always hit on everything under seventeen.

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My dad got a bit of stick at work when he announced his retirement.
Bit shit really, he was expecting a gold watch.

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I think I was 10 years old before I realised that my club wasn’t actually named “West Bromwich 0”.

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"British holidaymaker 'faces death penalty' after taking painkillers into Egypt for husband's sore back"
That sounds a Draconian punishment for six kilogrammes of morphine.

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The BBC are in trouble again Sooty and Sweep claim that the BBC knew for years that some bloke was sticking his fingers up their arseholes and did nothing about it.

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