Thread: joke of the day
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Old 23-10-2017, 05:56 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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The NHS say that masturbating twice a week increases your life expectancy by 20%. I've done the calculations and found out that I'm immortal.

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My wife and I went to a therapist as our sex life was shit, "Explain with a film title what you think the problems are, " said the therapist.
"Gone in sixty seconds, " said my wife.
"Enter the dragon, " I replied.

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The UN claim their choice of Robert Mugabe was their first ever mistake.
Oh yes! Wasn't it them cunts who made Tony Blair a Middle East Peace Envoy?

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A white van man pulls up at a set of traffic lights in the Black Country, he spots a blonde woman, winds his window down and shouts "Love, is there a B and Q in Wolverhampton?"
Blonde replies "Dunno mate but I know there are 2 D's in Dudley!"

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What do rednecks do at Halloween?
Pumpkin.

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Deja Moo.
That feeling you get when you wake up next to the same fucking cow every day.

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Did you hear about the dyslexic Muslim suicide bomber?
He turned up in heaven and was greeted by 72 vegans.

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My son will soon be getting to that age where he acts like my cat.
He'll start bringing birds home in such poor condition, I'll have to take them into the back garden and kill them with a brick.

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World health organisation cancels Robert Mugabe goodwill ambassador role. Well lets be fair that appointment would have been like giving Jimmy Savile an OBE for children services..... Oh wait?

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What do Ronald Koeman and the Titanic have in common?
Neither should have left Southampton.

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When I was growing up in the 1970's it was perfectly acceptable for a teenage boy to fiddle with a tranny under the bedsheets at night.

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The garage where Steve Jobs founded Apple is to be turned into a museum.
The previous application to turn it into a granny flat was turned down by his estate when they refused to allow windows to be installed.

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I went out for a kickaround with my girlfriend last weekend. I must have scored 100 goals against her in the first 10 minutes.
It was then I realised she wasn't a keeper.

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Three actors who previously played Dr Who have been accused of rape.
The Metropolitan Police have opened an investigation. So have the Roman Senate, the Witenagemot, and the Intergallactic Council.

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The Everton job?
Robert Mugabe is available.

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I have a job interview tomorrow, and I'm going to show them that I'm good at delegating responsibility.
I'm sending someone else to it.

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