Thread: joke of the day
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Old 21-10-2017, 05:20 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,764
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I really love my fanbase.
Without it, my fan would fall over.

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I've just seen an umbrella fly past my fucking window.
Oh well, R.I.P Mary Poppins.

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Took me ages to find the Halloween section in Lidl.
Every time I thought I'd found the display it turned out to be customers.

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A young lad knocked on my door last Halloween and said, "Trick or Treat?"
I said, "What have you come as?"
He said, "A werewolf."
I said, "but you haven't got a costume on, you're just in normal clothes."
He said, "Well it's not a full moon yet is it, dickhead."

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Went to the cinema yesterday and was buying popcorn, a drink and some sweets.
I said, "I'm ever so sorry, I've only got a £50 note."
The lady said, "That's ok, you can put the sweets back!"

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Great day out in London but Network rail are full of shit . A sign said if you stand too close to the edge of the platform you get sucked off... five fucking hours i was stood there.

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After sex last night my new girlfriend snuggled up to me and said, 'You know, youíre easily the biggest Iíve ever had.'
Apparently, 'Ditto' wasnít the correct response.

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The United Nations appoint Robert Mugabe as a 'Goodwill Ambassador'.
A bit like making Harvey Weinstein a 'Women's Ambassador'.

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My three kids were absolutely furious when I told them that after I die, everything I own is going to Charity.
They're still pissed that I married my favourite stripper after their mum passed.

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David Blaine has announced plans to top his stunt on the river Thames, he will live in a confined 6'x8' environment for about 15 years.

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I hate it when a couple start having an argument in front of you.
They could at least have waited until I got dressed and left.

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