Thread: joke of the day
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Old 27-12-2017, 07:54 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 8,270
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Tough game for Newcastle tonight.
Football.

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When hiring a prostitute on holiday in Amsterdam, never ask her to sit on your face in a "shilly Dutch akshent"

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I tried to re-marry my ex-wife, but she figured out I was only after my money.

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100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
The stables have turned.

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I entered what I ate over the past few day into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

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I was walking down this street and this really sexy woman tells me, 'Oh my god. You are so hot. I want you to fuck me right now!'
It's true. You can ask Brad Pitt, he was right behind me.

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"I'm sorry for your loss," I said to the guy taking flowers into the funeral parlour.
"Thanks mate," he laughed, "but I'm just delivering for Interflora! "
"I know, and some kid has just stolen your van."

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Society has changed so much.
30 years ago I played a shepherd in my school nativity.
This year my son played an Infidel.

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Yet another Christmas day spent pacing the floors at the A & E.
16 hours not knowing what's going on, out of my head on crack.
They told me there's a new doctor on his way.
Then I can finish my shift.

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I used to have a job holding a Flag.
But now a Pole has got it.

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Remember for New Year's weight loss that chocolate oranges aren't a fruit.

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I ended up in hospital due to a really bad reaction after trying peanut butter for the first time.
My rottweiler bit my bollocks.

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Donald Trump has been on the phone to Vladimir Putin.
Putin replies , " It's very kind of you Donald, but I honestly don't need any help to get me re-elected."

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Happy Birthday to you
Those nails just won't do
They are looking, worn and rusty
So I've bought you some glue...
Happy birthday Jesus!

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