Thread: joke of the day
View Single Post
  #1331  
Old 24-12-2017, 09:22 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 8,267
Default

"Can you get some bleach, washing powder and some shake and vac while you're out?" My wife asked.
"Can you not wait until you’ve opened your presents tomorrow?" I replied

................

I hate Christmas Shopping for my wife.
Just wasted 35 minutes in a queue discovering Poundland don't do Gift Vouchers.

................

Just went into the pub and asked for a pint of anything except Stella.
"What's wrong with Stella?" Asked the Barman.
"I had 12 pints of Stella last night and the next thing I remember, I was fucking skint." I replied.
"12 pints of anything costs roughly the same, mate." He said.
"Yeah, I know." I replied. "But Skint is my dog."

.................

My Wife was running a temperature so I rang the doctor.
He said, "Is she very hot?".
I said, "Well, with a bit of make-up on she's not bad..."

.................

I convinced the wife to work for MI5.
So she wouldn't be allowed to tell me about her day.

.................

Santa Clause had better watch out. If you are going to grow a massive white beard and live in a grotto its only a matter of time until the Americans bomb you.

.................

A 29-year-old man has been charged after a snowman holding a rocket launcher was painted on the window of an office in Londonderry.
It's political correctness gone mad. Is a traditional Irish Christmas not allowed nowadays?

..................

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...
I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors.

...................

I didn't realize that Santa was gay. I held his sack, while he came up my chimney.

...................

"In two hundred metres, take the third reich."
Nazi Sat-Nav.

....................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote