Thread: joke of the day
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Old 23-12-2017, 06:46 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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I got up for a piss in the night and noticed somebody sneaking around in next doors
garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and twatted him around the head with a shovel, killing him instantly. He then began to dig a grave with the shovel and bury him.
Astonished I got back into bed. My wife said "darling you're shaking, what's the matter?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen" I replied, " that cunt next door has still got my fucking shovel!!"

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London zoo fire. Meerkats missing.
Insurance job. Simples.

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There is a knock on the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks out, and a man is standing there. Saint Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears.
A moment later there's another knock. Saint Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, but the man disappears once again. "Hey, are you playing games with me?" Saint Peter calls after him, rather annoyed.
"No..." the man's distant voice replies anxiously - "...they're trying to resuscitate me....."

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Saw my Ex today.One thing led to another and we ended up having sex.
The Police were a bit pissed off though ,I was only supposed to identify the body.

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Make Christmas more entertaining by sending a Christmas card to your neighbours with things like "To the prick with the noisy dog hope you have a shite Xmas " Then sign it from an other cunt of a neighbour.

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I put the name Tourettes on the back of my Sunday league jersey.
Now I can curse the referees all I want, and they think it's normal.

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Latest Google Home Mini, TV ad...
"What temperature do I cook a turkey at Google?"
"175"
Well, that should successfully wipe out the OAPs of the U.K. that still use Fahrenheit.

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You still can't snort coke through a rolled-up bitcoin.

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"'Not what we come to work for' Fury as police beaten black and blue in Mad Friday violence"
Makes a change. Usually it's the blue beating the black.

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I was kept awake last night by the bloke next door giving someone a right good fucking.
And as I lay in my bed unable to get back to sleep, I thought, "Thank Christ I'm not his cellmate."

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The American military will be using NORAD to track Santa Claus this year.
It was tough having to sit my kids down and explain to them the meaning of 'Friendly Fire' and why Santa and his reindeer may not make it to ours.

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Some anti-abortion activists were in town today, protesting and waving their graphic and disgusting posters around.
But at least they reminded me to take the giblets out of my Christmas turkey.

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I took my son to school for the first time today and I was amazed at the number of mums turning up in four-by-fours. I thought to myself, "They will never use those for off-roading."
Then I saw them trying to park.

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