Thread: joke of the day
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Old 22-12-2017, 07:42 PM
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IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

Tea is more dangerous than beer. Please avoid drinking tea.

I discovered this last night, I had 14 beers till 3am at the pub while my wife was just drinking tea at home.

You should have seen how violent and angry she was when I got home. I was peaceful, silent and headed to bed as she shouted at me, all night and even into the next morning.

Please ladies, if you can't handle your tea, don't drink it.

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Why did the chicken commit suicide?
To get to the other side...

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While in town today I saw a homeless woman and I remembered seeing something on facebook about giving them feminine products instead of money. Feeling suddenly very generous I rushed into Boots and two minutes later presented the homeless woman with a carrier bag. She thanked me, looked in the bag and with tears in her eyes asked me, "Where the fuck am I going to plug an iron in?

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Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
Except for a Scouse

He's in through your window
He's out with a sack
To take to his dealer
To swop for some crack

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At the National Gallery a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'
After the curator left, a man approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.
'Because I'm the man who painted it,' he replied.
'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all! They're just three Welsh coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.

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I'm absolutely knackered from my French self-defence class last night.
I've never run so far in all my life.

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How much does Santa’s sleigh cost?
Nothing, it’s on the house.

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Disney now owns Star Wars, Marvel, Indiana Jones, Disney World and the Simpsons.
If they acquire my parent’s divorce, they'll own my entire childhood.

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"I've always though its nicer to give rather than receive at Christmas" I said," "quit your shit and pick up the soap" replied buba!

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Whenever someone says “There’s no way that can happen!” just respond “Trump happened...”

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I don't know what's going to be tougher this Christmas
Telling the kids there's no spare money for presents this year, or the look on their faces when they see my new Ferrari.

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Whenever someone plays a rap song, I have the feeling I've heard it before.
My Doctor says I've got Dre-ja-vue.

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When I said I wanted to find a girlfriend with no gag reflex, I didn't mean no sense of humour.

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