Thread: joke of the day
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Old 19-12-2017, 08:01 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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Why does Santa always come through the chimney?
Because he knows better than to try the back door.

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Will someone take pity on Chris Rea and give him a fucking Sat-Nav?
Poor bastards been trying to get home since 1988.

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A woman with a clipboard just knocked on our door and asked if we would have a refugee for Christmas.
We normally have a turkey but fuck it, I'll try anything once.

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An elderly Jewish woman wins $30 million in the lottery...
She goes to her rabbi to discuss what to do with the money.
She says, "I'd like to spend $10 million on myself and my family."
The rabbi replies, "It would be good to enjoy your winnings and family is important."
She then says she'd like to donate another $10 million to the synagogue and the charity they run, since the synagogue has always been there for her, she'd like to give back.
The rabbi says they could always use the money.
Then she says, "I'd like to spend the last $10 million on a ten-foot golden statue of Adolf Hitler."
Naturally the rabbi is quite horrified.
"Why would you want to memorialize such a monster?" he cries.
She rolls up her sleeve and responds, "He gave me the winning numbers."

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Just heard that the Queen Elizabeth is suffering a leak.
Well , she's not getting any younger you know.

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What’s long and hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber.

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I went for a bite to eat at an upmarket burger van last night...
It had 4 Michelin tyres.

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Christmas these days is a lot like having sex, the build up is great but when it finally comes, I regret spending all that money.

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Woke up this morning after a huge night out and it felt like a badger had shat in my mouth.
Why did I agree to go to Bear Grylls's stag do?

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"Crash victim was drug dealer involved in 130mph chase"
Ironic, isn't it? A drug dealer killed by his own speed.

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Where do Muslims buy their car parts?
Halalfords.

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Couldn't reach the Northamptonshire Police website because it "took too long to respond."
No change there, then.

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My driving instructor told me that I should wear a seatbelt because if I were to crash, the force could throw me out of the car.
I can't believe that he thinks star wars is real.

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I bought an Internet Explorer advent calendar.
It takes fucking ages to open a window.

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The EU has ruled that obesity qualifies as a disability.
From next month, every space in McDonald's car park will have a wheelchair painted on it.

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Star Wars:
Incest, intergalactic racism, beings with disfigured bodies and six fingers and others covered head to toe in body hair.
Does anyone else think "a galaxy far, far away" is actually Norfolk?

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