Thread: joke of the day
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Old 15-12-2017, 04:05 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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Mrs: How's the ventriloquism going?
Me: Not great
Mrs: But I got you that ventriloquism for dummies book?
Me: I don't think he read it.

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A first grade teacher explains to her class that she's American and asks her students to raise their hands if they're American too.
Not really knowing why, but wanting to be like their teacher, hands explode into the air like fireworks.
There is, however, one exception, a girl named Becky isn't going along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not an American."
"Then, what are you?" asks the teacher.
"I'm a proud Canadian!" boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red and asks Kristen why she feels she's Canadian.
"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."
The teacher is now angry and screams, "That's no reason! What if your mom was a moron and your dad was a moron!? What would you be then?"
A pause and a smile.
"Then," says Kristen. "I'd be an American."

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Give a Nigerian a fish he'll eat for a day.
Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince and start e-mailing people.

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I walked into Asda in Glasgow and there's a man sobbing at the entrance.
"What's up, pal?" I said.
"Nothing", he replied, "I'm the greeter."

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When my wife left me, I missed her so much, I bought a blow up doll.
It's almost as if she is still here.
I just put it on the sofa in front of the TV and go have a wank upstairs.

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My co-workers are like my Christmas lights…
Half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t that bright.

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Have you heard of those George Foreman grills?
I got a Frank Bruno toaster.
It was fucked after 2 rounds.

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No more work Christmas parties for me,I woke up drunk, in a forest of pubic hair searching for the clitoris,"I'm too pissed I can't find it"I lamented, "just above my balls" he said!

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If aliens are monitoring our media and 98% of the internet is porn, they're not giving us anal probes.
They're just trying to speak our language.

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If multiculturalism is such a great moral virtue to display, why then do Leftists hate the British for their historical initiative?

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Civvy street is an Imaginary place where Squaddies dream of going so they can talk of "The Good old days in the Mob."

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Kirk Douglas is mentioned in the Domesday Book.

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I was arrested yesterday for Shoplifting, The Officer said, "You are being charged with Stealing Two Bottles of Wine".
I said, "You can't Charge me for Stealing Two Bottles!"
Officer, "Why not?"
"It was buy one get one free!" I replied

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