Thread: joke of the day
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Old 06-12-2017, 06:52 PM
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When I was a child, I always used to search my parent's drawers and cupboards in the run up to Christmas so I'd know exactly what to expect.
Although I never did receive the Vibratron Pleasuremax 3000.

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Just bought me a Diane Abbot advent calendar. I didn't know there were 43 days in December!

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Save money this Christmas by simply buying your kids an Easter Egg each and telling them they overslept.

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Ever noticed how the women who say "there's no one right way to parent" are also the ones who have definitely found the fucking wrong way looking at their kids?

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I found a mass grave today, full of dead snowmen.
"Dave," shouted my wife, "Come away from the pond."

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They say the pain during child birth is so great,
A woman can almost imagine what a man with a cold feels like.

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I'm loving my Oscar Pistorius advent calendar made by Smirnoff.
There's a shot behind every door.

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I've been arrested for carrying a ghetto blaster.

I was in Brixton with a rocket launcher.

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Old Man Paddy: "My joints are stiff."
Old Man Murphy: "Maybe you're rolling them too tight."

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If Theresa May used Ryanair, she'd have to be charged for those bags under her eyes.

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Katie Hopkins reveals epilepsy made her suicidal.
To cheer her up, we have all clubbed together and have bought her a couple of presents for Christmas.
It's a strobe light and a Gillette razor.

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I met this woman. She is like a real FOX.....
Because she is hairy and eats out of bins.

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I don't like to blow my own trumpet!!! That's why the rest of the Brass Band I'm in all have Herpes...!!!

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Apparently MI5 have thwarted a plot by suicide bombers to attack Theresa May.
Stupid twats! She's doing a bloody good job of self-destructing all by herself.

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Life is just like an erect penis.
Whenever it gets hard, I find masturbation to be a perfect solution.

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A beautiful woman walked up to me in the bar and handed me a napkin.
"Call any time." she smiled.
I felt smug until I opened the napkin to find her plastic surgeon's business card.

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My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains and men nothing?"
I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

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