Thread: joke of the day
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Old 05-12-2017, 07:28 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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My dyslexia has reached a new owl.

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Why canít dyslexics tell jokes?
They always punch up the fuckline.

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What do you get if you hold a twenty pound note between your chin and your chest?
A good impression of Stephen Hawking at a strip club.

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I miss my best mate... He used to say funny things like, "Fuck wearing a helmet!"

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A guy walks into a crowded Bar, waving his unholstered Pistol and yells "I have a 45 calibre Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine and I want to know who's been sleeping with my Wife"
A voice from the back of the Bar calls out "You need more Ammo"

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Solid. Liquid. Gas. I hit the trifecta on the toilet this morning.

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My wife says she's leaving me because I take everything that she says the wrong way.
I think she just wants me to give her anal.

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I got into an argument with a bloke down the pub, and I thought "hang on- be a good person. What would Jesus do?"
So I stopped existing.

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My mate recommended I watch '12 Years a Slave'.
He said, 'It's a sad story, set before the American Civil War, about a man who's conned, exploited, and forced into hard labour by cruel masters.'
I said, 'I didn't realise Amazon had warehouses in the 1800s.'

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I got into trouble about this time last year, when all I wanted was some ideas to make my computer look a bit festive.
Turns out Googling "Glitter hard drive pictures" was a bad idea.

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"Do you want me to organise the Christmas party this year?" I asked my boss.
"After last year's debacle? Are you serious?" He shook his head, "Drunken public sex, fighting and arrests?"
I looked at him bewildered. "But nothing like that happened."
"Exactly."

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Why is Santa Claus like a BMW driver who drives below the speed limit and indicates at every junction?
Because neither of them really exist.

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