Thread: joke of the day
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Old 04-12-2017, 06:16 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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I hate it when I'm singing to a song on the radio and the artist gets the lyrics wrong!

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There were 10 in the bed & the little one said...
"These NHS cuts are ridiculous."

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I think we'll get a real Christmas tree this year.
Asking the kids to imagine one last year was a little unfair!

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Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.
"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"
"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."

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Ian Duncan Smith went into a bakery.
He said, "I'd like a cake to celebrate the implementation of PiP."
The girl at the counter said, "What would you like on it?"
He replied, "Well, I could murder hundreds and thousands."

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I ran into my ex-wife and I asked her how she was getting on.
"I'm with someone now who's twice the man that you are !" she sneered.
This one especially stung, as the bitch left me for another woman.

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Women are like snowflakes - beautiful, unique, and fucking deadly on the road.

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Did you know... if you counted up all the pies bought at sports events every weekend in the UK, the chances are you're autistic.

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Just looking at the nativity scene at my local church and I can't help thinking how it reminds me of the Jeremy Kyle show - a mother, a baby, loads of hangers on and some bloke who isn't the father.

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Sooooo i've decked the halls as the song suggested.
Though Mr & Mrs Hall don't share my joy.

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Iím looking forward to the donkey derby tonight.
Or Wolves v Birmingham as some call it.

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Donald Trump is famously teetotal.
In order to come out with as much crap as he does on the average day, I'd need the best part of 2 bottles of JD inside me. God help us if he ever decides to take a drink!

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Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes and amens on Facebook.

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I've just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden.
And I'm thinking, "Who the fuck's going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?"

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My wife looks exactly like a Bond girl.
It's just a shame it's Judi Dench.

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