Thread: joke of the day
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Old 03-12-2017, 01:27 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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They say there’s a person capable of murder in every friendship group.
I thought it was Ben, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

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Why is Santa always so jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

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I've finished my Christmas cards early this year.
Both my Visa and MasterCard are maxed out!

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I'm selling my pet python on ebay.
Some bloke just rang up and asked, "is it big?"
I said, "Massive."
He said, "How many feet?"
I said, "None, it's a fucking snake you idiot!"

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A Muslim lady was denied entrance into Mcdonalds today until she removes her hijab....
Should have gone to Burka king.

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90% of being married is shouting “WHAT?” from other rooms.

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I showed my class of children at my school in Norwich a Dynamo DVD and they were amazed at the magical powers on display.
But then I explained how televisions work and they relaxed.

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Santa Claus probably regrets giving coal to naughty kids now that global warming is threatening his habitat.

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I was walking down the high street yesterday when I saw this scruffy bloke playing the guitar and singing:
'When I was young, seemed like life was so wonderful, a miracle, it was beautiful, magical..."
I said 'That's Supertramp'
He said, 'Ah thanks very much, I've been practicing for ages'.

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"The killer whale came right up to the glass and looked straight at me." said my wife, after visiting Sea World.
"It was probably wondering how you managed to escape," I said.

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I rang up work this morning..
"My wife passed away in the early hours," I told them. "I'm going to need some time off work."
"Oh dear, sorry for your loss," The receptionist said. "And of course we understand. Take as much time off as you need."
"Thank you," I replied. "It'll be about eighteen years, providing I behave myself."

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Some woman got her nipple pierced at the bar last night.
I'm not very good at darts.

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