Thread: joke of the day
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Old 30-11-2017, 05:25 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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Why was the snowman looking through a bag of carrots?
He was picking his nose.

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I've reset my "life goals" to things I've already accomplished, so everyday now, I"m overachieving ...
It's all about perspective.

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My girlfriend just called and said Gavin from Autoglass came round & injected special resin into her crack.
I'm not normally suspicious but she hasn't got a car.

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"Morning mail: war criminal dies after drinking poison"
Cherie Blair said he was the best husband any woman could ever have.

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"I'm going out to scrape the car," my wife said this morning.
"Against what?" I replied.

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In 1672, a mob of angry Dutch killed and ate their prime minister.
Options. Just sayin’.

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They always say you'll find the love of your life when you're not really looking.
Which is true, but by then I'd already run her over.

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I'm not saying my wife is looking old.
But when she gives me a blow job it's hard to see where her face starts and my ball bag ends.

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As I sat with the missus eating cheese and crackers, she Said this "boursin cheese I told you to get, is to die for... oh shit!... I thought she'd said get foreskin cheese.

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Noel Gallagher has said that Ed Sheeran is 'vastly overrated'
Has he actually heard the one about the pot and the kettle?

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On my second day in prison I went to see the doctor. I dropped my pants and showed him my arsehole, covered in blood and totally butchered.
"My god, what on earth have you done?" asked the doc.
My cell mate Winston suggested we tried phone sex" I replied.
"I don't understand, how could phone sex leave you with such catastrophic injuries?" the puzzled doctor enquired.
"I was the receiver."

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If 2 vegetarians have a fight. Is it still classed as a beef.????

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My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.
She said, "I'm sick of it. You actually believe that you're a Transformer. It's stupid. I've had enough and I'm leaving you."
I said, "But, Baby, I can change."
She said, "There you go again!"

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