Thread: joke of the day
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Old 24-11-2017, 05:28 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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For sale, packet of polo's
Unopened, mint condition.

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What do you call an aardvark thatís just been beaten up?
Vark.

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When I was young we were very poor and I sometimes had to wear my sister's old clothes to school. Turned up in the same dress as my teacher one day. Don't know who was more embarrassed, him or me.

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When my kids wake up Christmas morning they will be faced with everything they could ever dream of.
I've got them an Argos catalogue each.

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Black Friday.
You and me.
My place.
All clothes £100% off.

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How many Countdown contestants does it take to change a BLIHBULGT?

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The office Christmas party is nearly here, a time when my colleagues get pissed and have fun while I sit in the corner feeling lonely and desperate.
Or Angela and Denise from Accounts, as they're usually known.

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Whilst most of us are getting 50% off for Black Friday - Oscar Pistorious is getting 100% added on

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I'm a bit confused with this Rohypnol I bought.
On the packet it says, "Best Before Date", but then there's no numbers or anything.

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Just been sent home from work coz apparently I 'misunderstood Black Friday'.
Cost me a fucking fortune in shoe polish too !!!

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Instructor: Can you read that car's number plate from here?
Me: YESSSSSSSS !!!!!! Now can you PLEASE open the parachute !!!!!!!!

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The bigger the better. Not when it's a tumour.

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I wish the Ice Bucket Challenge would come back.
I've not made my wife wet since.

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Theresa May should take a leaf out of Everton's book. That's how you make sure you are out Europe quickly.

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Ever since I told my wife I've been diagnosed with the big C we've had sex twice a night.
Haven't told her it's Clap yet.

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I was in a large queue for the checkout in Tesco earlier.
"Excuse me sir, would you like to use the self-service checkouts to save time?" a woman asked me.
"Fine, but if I'm doing it myself I want staff discount" I replied.

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"Do you know what happens when you die? " this priest said to me,
"Well yes, " I replied, "the kids will argue over my shit, the wife will probably shag my brother again and everybody who thinks I am a proper cunt will go round telling my family what a great bloke I was. "

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