Thread: joke of the day
View Single Post
  #1299  
Old 22-11-2017, 06:25 PM
Sir Ewok's Avatar
Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
Talk, Type, Breath, Talk, Type, Breath....
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wherever I damn well Please
Posts: 7,766
Default

Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.

..................

I had a goal to lose two stone by the end of the year.
Just three stone to go!

..................

Just heard that the government is banning Roman numerals!
Well, not on my watch!

..................

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

..................

I can't believe Rebekah Vardy failed her latest trial on "I'm a Celebrity get me out of Here."
I thought going down and taking a star in her mouth would have been second nature to her.

..................

Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write "Last warning. You have a week to get the rest of the money together. Next time we won't be so nice."

..................

The only thing worse than finding out you were given up for adoption would be finding out it was Rick Astley who gave you up!

..................

Dear ITV,
After seeing the contestants of "I'm a Celebrity Get me out of Here"
I assume you are aware of the contents of the Trade Descriptions Act 1968?

..................

How many software developers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. It's a hardware problem.

..................

I have just watched the news and seen all the Africans out in the streets celebrating and dancing. There were cars driving round honking their horns with people climbing all over the roof waving flags.
Tottenham looks a happy place tonight.

..................

Looks like Liverpool did a Theresa May last night.

..................

I like my women like my golf scores, in their 80s with a slight handicap.

..................

What's red and dangles from a cunt?
The budget briefcase.

..................

The dentist said, "Your children's teeth are in a terrible state. Do they use floss?"
I said, "Yes, every day."
He said, "What type of floss do they use?"
I said, "Candy."

..................

I was lying in bed with my blonde girlfriend last night when she said, "I think my boobs are too small, I'm going to get a boob job."
"Hmm," I replied, "my hands are too small... what do you think I should do?"
"Do you want a hand job?"
She's a keeper.

..................

__________________
Been riding for 40 years and my arse is really sore
Reply With Quote