Thread: joke of the day
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Old 17-11-2017, 06:48 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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The girlfriend says Im tight, so to prove her wrong we went out for some tea and biscuits.
It was quite exciting as shes never given blood before.

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My wife loves sad movies, and says she can tell how good a movie is by how many tissues she goes through.
I have the same system.

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They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' this Christmas in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London.
Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

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My wife and I went to see a psychiatrist.
"What can I do for you?" He asked
"Our son has got an imaginary friend," said my wife.
"There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child to develop, and this is very common and nothing to worry about at all." Said the psychiatrist.
"We haven't got a son." I replied.

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Greggs Nativity Scene:
And the three Kings arrived bearing gifts of Ketchup, Mustard, and Branston Pickle.

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"Greggs portraying Jesus as a type of food is an abomination" said the Catholics, right after they took Communion.

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Statistically, 9/11 planes missed the Twin Towers.

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My parents found a bag of ecstasy pills in my bedroom today.
My mum said, "Is there something you'd like to share with us?"
"Not really," I replied. "I've only got ten left."

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"Nurseries ban glitter in pre-Christmas drive for cleaner seas"
I can't see the point of that, he's already serving a sixteen year sentence.

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I hear that Kevin Spacey managed to get a leading role in this year's panto...
He got Aladdin.

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I bumped into my dyslexic mate earlier, he said "you alright mate"
I said no I've got OCD.
He said "that's brilliant."
I said "what's brilliant?"
He said "call of duty."

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Not only have the Scottish electorate rejected independence, it seems they now want a vote to abolish devolution.
Self determination is one thing, but putting up the price of drink is fucking serious.

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I've got a nice wig made from arse hair.
The trouble is it keeps blowing off.

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So Charles Manson died today...
I'm going to miss his music...

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"Missing explorer Benedict Allen was caught in tribal warfare"
Serves him right for holidaying in Birmingham.

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And their second advert:

Away in Pret-a-Manger
Stale baguette for your lunch
Ours taste miles better
And they're called Tuna Crunch.

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I was at a football match last week, when I decided to take my clothes off and run around the pitch waving my willy at the crowd.
I was arrested at halftime, and they had to get another referee to finish the game.

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