Thread: joke of the day
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Old 16-11-2017, 06:50 PM
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Sir Ewok Sir Ewok is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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Can I just ask everyone a huge favour? Those of you who are planning to put Christmas lights in your gardens, please can you avoid anything red or blue and flashing? Every time I drive past, I think it's the cops and have a mild panic attack. I have to remove my foot from the accelerator, slam on the brakes, put my seat belt on, throw my phone on the floor, hide my bottle of whisky ,swallow my joint, and shove the gun under the seat. It's a major drama. I really appreciate your cooperation and understanding.

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What do you say to a Mexican body builder that's ran out of protein powder?
No whey José?!

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I said to my friend “My wife’s a peach.”
He asked: “Because she’s so soft and juicy?”
I replied “No, because she has a heart of stone.”

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I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic.
"Oh yes, quite a few," the librarian said.
"Sorry to hear that," I said laughing, "They'll all be ruined by now."

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Scotland are reported to be the first country in the world to introduce minimum pricing for alcohol.
Bollocks.
Saudi Arabia beat you to it. The minimum price for a unit of alcohol there is 50 lashes.

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CNN Headline
“Johnson to leave 'no stone un turned' in case of British woman jailed in Iran”
Great, now the fucker's helping them to stone her to death.

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Scientists predict the planet will be destroyed on 18th November 2018 when an asteroid the size of a small American will smash into the Earth.

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If electricity follows the path of least resistance...
Why doesn't lightning only strike in France?

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My grandparents fought during World War II.
They ended up getting a divorce.

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So, the virgin Mary gave birth to a Greggs sausage roll.
To be fair it's more plausible than the original version.

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Judas:
"I could murder a sausage roll."

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I watched the Battle for the Planet of the Apes last night.
It worried me a little until they said that Robert Mugabe was under house arrest.

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Twilight.
A film about a teenage girl choosing either bestiality, or necrophilia.

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I'm selling books on how to avoid saying the wrong thing and getting into fights.
Who wants some?

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What's the difference between the actor Kevin Spacey and his film 'Pay it Forward' ?
Nothing, they both touched me when I was young.

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